


Identity Crisis

by k_waifu



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Adultery, Adventure & Romance, Divorce, F/M, Older Characters, Post-Canon, Post-War, Psychology, Romance, Slow Burn, Undercover Missions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-03-25 22:12:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 259,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13844085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/k_waifu/pseuds/k_waifu
Summary: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet."Wife to the sole Uchiha survivor, mother to the only Uchiha child, the name Uchiha seemed to consume her identity-but who was Sakura when she wasn't playing those roles? Sakura held herself back whenever Sasuke was around and everyone knew it.  Ino. Naruto. Sarada. It wasn't until she was crying half-naked in Kakashi's lap that she realized that was there was no going back.





	1. Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first work of fan fiction I have ever written and it's still in progress. I've been publishing it exclusively on fanfiction.net until now.
> 
> I'm still relatively insecure about the first 4 or 5 chapters, but I hope you will bear though them as even I was able to see my growth as writer from that point on. I plan to go back and revise the beginning, but I'll wait until Identity Crisis is complete to do that.
> 
> Despite that, I truly hope you enjoy it and I really appreciate everyone that has followed my story and supported my writing until now!~ <3
> 
> Thank you lulu42 for helping update my summary!

_ Not tonight, Sakura. I'm tired _ .

The sound of running water filled her ears.

_ Sasuke-kun, I'll miss you. Before you go, can we-- _

Her skin was submerged in cold flowing water.

_ Sakura, I need my energy for this mission _ .

Staring blankly ahead of her, she allowed her mind to be consumed by their exchange, or lack thereof, from the previous night. 

All she wanted was to show her husband affection- _ intimate  _ affection-before he left for his mission. Because she didn't know when she would see him again, the longing to  _ feel _ her husband's love for her was immediate. She needed it, as she did every time, and as usual, Sasuke wouldn't fulfill that desire. 

When this happened, Sakura would typically lay on her back with the gravity of defeat and rejection weighing her down, pulling her burning tears down each side of her face and pooling in the hollow of her ears. 

She would feel an immense emptiness -- the same emptiness that devoured her in their younger years; the same emptiness she felt each time she encountered him out on the field; the same emptiness she felt when he would refuse her as a travel companion; the same emptiness that amplified her turmoil when he would refuse to come home. 

As she curled up in bed beside her distant husband, she would try her best to contain her uncontrollable shaking -- her pain manifesting in the only kind of release her body could find. She would succumb to the hollow feeling in her chest, and it would become unbearably worse the moment she heard Sasuke's light breathing grow heavier. 

She would wonder if he even cared about her feelings. And if he did, she wondered how he could pretend as though he didn't know his rejection hurt her-even sleep knowing it! Each time she attempted to become intimate, the routine was almost  _ by the textbook. _ It had been this way for a while, particularly after the birth of Sarada, and each time it happened, she would inwardly ask herself,  _ Do I deserve this? _

Suddenly, the water overflowed and spilled onto her feet.

"Mama," said a young voice, cutting through her thoughts. "Are you alright? The sink is overflowing." 

As soon as her daughter asked this question, her father came down the stairs.

Sakura quickly shut off the water and pulled the drain plug. 

"Ah, yes," she replied with haste. "I'm alright. I was just carried away in thought, that's all." 

Forcing a smile, she turned away from the sink and towards her family. Sarada was sitting at the table holding her little video game console, pausing for a moment to assess her mother, and Sasuke stood at the base of the stairs staring quizzically at his wife. 

For a moment, he tilted his head, allowing his black hair to fall completely over his rinnegan, but soon centered his head again, realizing the nature of his wife's claim.

"Are you all packed and ready to go?" she asked Sasuke in a forcibly concerned tone. She walked away from the sink to approach him, deciding that the dishes could wait.

"Mostly," he responded curtly. "Can you help me upstairs? I can't seem to find some of my things."

Sakura noticed his eye flicker towards their daughter, who methodically resumed her game at full volume when Sasuke had posed the question. She nodded, knowing the he was looking for his special kunai, one that Sarada had wrapped a braided red and purple tassel around which she made in school for him, and headed upstairs with Sasuke following behind her.

Once they were in their bedroom and the door clicked behind them, Sasuke spoke, "She did this last time. Why is she hiding things from me?"

Sakura walked towards the window and leaned on the frame, body turned slightly toward the street view outside.

"Why do you think, Sasuke?" 

Sasuke gave a little scoff as a reply, as if to suggest he was saying,  _ You too, huh?  _ "I won't be long."

She chuckled and asked, "What exactly is your definition of long? A few years? Months?"

He didn't answer. He simply stared at her, no emotion registering on his face, and began to approach her by the window. 

"Maybe she hides your things because she just wants her father to stick around, or at least show that he cares."

Once he was standing directly in front of her at the window, he slipped his arm around her waist and said, "I care." 

The admission was still as nonchalant as ever, but Sakura knew that she would never get anything much more than a few simple statements here and there. To give some semblance of disapproval, Sakura lightly tried wiggling away from his touch, but she knew it was all an act. 

"Sakura…" he cooed, tightening his embrace upon her movement.

She knew she could really stop him if she really wanted to. The truth was that she yearned for his embrace and she was sure he was aware of that truth. 

He dropped his chin onto the top of her hair. Sakura knew him well enough to know that he was trying to say,  _ Don't let me leave like this _ .

She slipped her arms underneath his cape and nuzzled her cheek onto his purple vest. 

"I know," she admitted,  partially believing it herself. "We'd just really like it if you'd show it to us more." 

He didn't move and so Sakura continued. 

"In some ways, she's just like you. I know you see a fiery little me most of the time, but she doesn't quite understand how to deal with your absence. When you were gone, she didn't know you. Now you're here, and all she wants is a steady relationship with her father." 

Sakura looked up at him, "She's quiet when you leave… Causing bits of mischief here and there, like stealing kunais." 

She smiled at her husband  weakly, making small fun of Sasuke's turbulent past in an attempt to make him understand. 

He lowered his head, pressing his nose and cheek on her forehead. These were the small bits of affection that she knew she would have to settle for. He'd never been a particularly affectionate person, but he was the man she'd loved since childhood. At least, that's how she would justify it.

"Should I just leave the kunai with her?" he asked .

Sakura chuckled and shook her head, "You really don't understand women, do you Sasuke-kun? She wants you to ask for it. Letting her keep it is a mistake."

He released her then, turning his body to imply that he'd like to head downstairs. She walked ahead of him through the hallway and let him pass before heading down the stairs. 

When they arrived in the kitchen, Sarada sat playing her game, but the kunai had materialized on the dining table next to her.

"I found your stupid kunai, papa." Sasuke approached her , crouching beside her before taking the kunai in his hand and running his thumb over the tassel.

"Thank you.”

She did not respond. Sasuke stored the kunai in his pouch, and reached out for his daughter's face. He brushed her hair behind her ear and  gently swiped a thumb over her cheek.

Surprised and blushing at this unusual contact, she turned and asked, "W-what are you doing?"

Sasuke held her chin as he looked at her in confidence. 

"Showing I care." 

He glanced toward his wife with a smirk on his face before returning his eyes toward Sarada. 

With eyes wide, her frowning mouth morphed into a grin, realizing that this was more affection than her father would  normally give. 

His hand dropped down to her wrist, where she wore a braided bracelet that was similar to the tassel she made for her father. 

"Purple for rinnegan?" he asked.

"Red for the sharingan!" she chirped back excitedly, dropping her moody tone. 

And with that, Sasuke rose tapping her forehead to say  _ until next time. _ He then walked to Sakura, who was also warm inside from witnessing that exchange between father and daughter, and gave her the same loving tap.

She gave a genuine but soft smile, caressing his hand before letting him go. 

He walked away then, heading towards the door and letting it shut behind him. 

Silence then filled the room, the same as the sound of running water did when she was washing the dishes. She glanced at her daughter, whose happy expression faded, and was staring  blankly at her paused video game the way Sakura had done with the dishes. 

Sakura's eyes then returned to the door, hoping that he would walk back through it and announce that his mission was cancelled. And when he didn't, that same feeling of emptiness radiated throughout her chest, and her tears spilled over the edge in the same way that she allowed the sink water to overflow.

  
  



	2. Nostalgia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: So, set up may take a few chapters. As inexperienced as I am, I do feel like character development is relatively important. I'm trying to make it relevant, at least.

Life without Sasuke was surprisingly easy to adjust to, as she had lived without his presence for most of their teenage and adult lives. 

Since the last war, Sakura had found a place as the head of the hospital. At this point in her career, she found herself managing shifts, assigning medical shinobi here and there, confirming inventory or signing off orders for more supplies. To her, this task seemed mundane in comparison to her old exploits, and so she even arranged to be the primary medical practitioner for her friends.

Even then, given their skill set, they wouldn't usually come in with more than a few bumps, or a few shallow cuts here and there. It did serve as good company, though, and she did get to maintain some semblance of a relationship with those who were on the active mission roster.

Likewise, Sarada had easily readjusted to her father's absence. She would always leave to train with her team or depart for some short mission. Sakura thought that it must've been nice to have such a fun, but also dangerous distraction. 

Despite that, Sakura understood as she was a shinobi herself, and even found herself pining for those excursions again. 

Medical life, after all, did not bear the same satisfactory rewards as completing missions did. 

That life, she thought, must be resigned to the younger generations.

Today, however, she found herself feeling much more nostalgic than usual. With that nostalgia, she decided that she'd like to spend time with her teammates, even if that meant one was missing.

With that decision, Sakura resolved to finish her paperwork swiftly so that she could ask them to join her for dinner that night.

* * *

 

"Naruto!" Sakura melodically called from behind the door of the Hokage's office, and knocked briefly before entering the room. She found him staring pensively out of the window, eyes and mouth stretched into a thin line, lips poking out slightly. 

"Ridden with stress today?"

"Ehh," he replied in an annoyed tone. "Nothing more than the usual." 

Sakura followed his eyesight toward Hokage Mountain to see the words "Baka Hokage!" sprawled across Naruto's stone replica. 

He crossed his arms, exhaling a quick huff, and said, "That baka Boruto! I thought we were past this since we've fought together."

Sakura stood beside him and chuckled, "Just like his father, huh? Baka."

Naruto turned to Sakura with a large goofy grin and asked, "Well, what's up?"

"I was just thinking about our old missions together, and I felt like spending some quality time with my team." 

Naruto's began to rub his chin after Sakura's request, and Sakura suddenly felt silly. 

"That's if you're not too busy of course!" 

She put her hands up and wagged them in his direction, dismissing her own invitation.

He continued to hold his thinking face, sputtering small  _ hmms _ while holding Sakura in anticipation for a little longer than she would have liked. 

She was seconds away from apologizing and excusing herself, until suddenly Naruto exclaimed, "Sakura-chan! I have an idea. I can't have dinner today, but tomorrow, I can have Hinata cook. Let's invite Sai and Ino, bring Sarada-chan, and we will have a family dinner, dattebayo!"

_ Family dinner?  _ She thought, the emptiness returning while envisioning Naruto laughing with his complete family at the dinner table.  _ What is a family dinner without Sasuke? _

Naruto noticed a change in her expression and softened his tone, "I'm sorry that teme isn't here… He asked to change his status to active, you know. I tried to insist that he spend more-"

"Naruto-kun, it's alright. It's better that we know where he is and that we at least know that he will come home." 

She forced a smile, ignoring the growing yet oh-so-familiar hollowness in her chest. He smiled at her with concern, rubbing the back of his head. 

"Tomorrow night? Sarada-chan is due back from her mission then, ne?"

"Yes, she is. Tomorrow is perfect, dattebayo! I'll tell Hinata and Sai and even Kakashi-sensei!" 

Any concern dropped from his face then, and was replaced by pure childish excitement.

Sakura couldn't help but reflect the same smile and enthusiasm. Naruto would never change, even if he was the Hokage. 

"Don't exert yourself. You're busy enough. I'll find Kakashi and Sai," Sakura said.

"Sai is coming in to turn in his latest mission report, so I've got him covered. You tell Kakashi-sensei."

"Hai, mission accepted!"

* * *

 

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura yelled from beside the wooden posts on training grounds. 

She had come here because Kakashi continued to train, or sleep, once Naruto inherited the Hokage position from him. His rationale was that retirement shouldn't mean living like a sloth, which was quite ironic given that Kakashi lounged around before and after he became the Hokage anyway. Such was the humor of the Rokudaime Hokage.

When Kakashi didn't appear from his hiding, she decided to approach the trees whose boughs he frequented. When she found him, she began yelling again. 

"Kakashi-sensei! Hey!" 

He simply grunted from his perch with the classic  _ Icha Icha Tactics _ resting over his face. His right arm was resting behind his head and his left leg was bent toward his body. Since his retirement, he no longer wore his olive flak jacket and opted to wear his navy blue long sleeve. Of course, he continued to wear his mask, but no longer covered his eye since losing the sharingan. 

Kakashi remained unmoving and so Sakura channeled her chakra to her feet to walk up the tree, until finally she swung her leg over the branch and sat by his foot.    
  


In a calm and collected demeanor, Sakura said, "If you keep ignoring me, Kakashi-sensei, I might have to start throwing punches."

"Well," he said, finally removing his book from his face, peering at her with one heavily lidded eye, "if you stopped calling me 'sensei' like I asked, I might be more inclined to respond."

Sakura gave a heavy sigh, "It's just a habit. I don't say it out of spite for your request, you know." 

She looked out toward the setting sun from underneath the leaves and began swinging her legs from where she sat. She remembered how often he had asked Shizune-san to stop with referring to him as Kakashi-sama.

Kakashi waved his hand in the air and responded, "I know, I know. But it won't stop me from insisting. I haven't been your sensei for years. You're a jonin now. We've been the same rank for a long time."

"True, but only one of us has the title of being the famous copy ninja and a Hokage."

"And only one of us is known to be the medical ninja protege equipped with Tsunade's fists-of-doom." With that Kakashi leaned forward and rested his arm on his knee. "So what do you need?"

"Well, Sasuke and Sarada are out on missions and in  _ my solitude, _ " she emphasized with a joking tone, "I started thinking about our days together as team 7." She heard him hum quietly. "Naruto and I want to have a team dinner tomorrow at the Uzumaki house. What do you think?"

Kakashi leaned back on the tree, " _ Solitude _ , huh?" 

Sakura looked at him slightly confused. She was about to repeat herself about Sasuke and Sarada being out on missions, but Kakashi continued. 

"He asked to be placed back at on the active roster, eh?" 

Sakura looked down to her lap and said nothing, admitting this was true with her silence. 

"I know a thing or two about a life of solitude," he said.

Sakura rolled her eyes and added sarcastically, "Solitude my ass. All the girls fall at your feet when you walk by. There's no way you haven't been with a few of them, given the type of books you like to read in public."

Kakashi hopped down from the tree and landed gracefully on his feet. He stuffed his hands in his pocket, and began to stroll slowly. 

He echoed Sakura's words, " _ All  _ the girls, huh? Well, it's an interesting read. You should try it one of these days. You know, since you're living solitary life and all."

Sakura ignored his suggestion and followed shortly behind. "Hey, you didn't answer me. Will you come to Naruto's tomorrow for dinner?"

Kakashi waved his hand in approval and kept walking. 

As he walked away she pondered on what she would do next. All of her paperwork was done and Sarada wasn't coming home tonight so she wouldn't need to cook dinner. Surely Ino and Hinata were cooking for their families already. 

The thought made her quite sad. 

While her friends had settled into their roles, she was moving in and out of hers. She was a mother when Sarada was home, a wife when Sasuke was home, and a medic when she herself wasn't home. But when she wasn't any of those things, she wondered,  _ who am I exactly? _


	3. Pandora's Box

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: NSFW! Is this what you call "Limey?" Ummm, well... This was kind of weird for me to write because I've never written one. It feels kind of early, but I guess it's okay since it's a solo "mission."

When Sakura arrived home, she slammed the door and kicked off her sandals. She hastily walked toward the dining table, threw the paper bag down, then she sat down with both her arms and legs crossed tightly. Chest heaving up and down, huffing powerfully; if anyone was around, one would be able to tell that she she was having an internal battle the moment Sakura started tapping all her fingers rapidly against her arms.

_ Fuck!  _ Sakura thought to herself.  _ Did I really stoop this low? Am I that lonely? _

Images of Kakashi played in her mind from childhood to adulthood. Every memory of him had one thing in common.  _ Fucking Icha Icha. _

When Kakashi left her alone on the practice field, she paced for half an hour trying to think of what to do before realizing she had absolutely nothing to do. All she had was Kakashi's suggestion: " _ You should try it one of these days. You know, since you're living the solitary life and all."  _ And so against her better judgement, she succumbed. At the time, she figured that she needed a good distraction. Perhaps the book would keep her distracted enough to be invested in the story, but provide comedic value in the form of sex scenes. Jiraiya wrote them after all, and that man was a pervert. She couldn't imagine that they were actually very good-for a woman's needs anyway. And maybe she would even understand Kakashi's unnatural obsession with it, and if not, make fun of him for it.

And so she bought the first three books. But once the bookstore clerk gave a muffled chuckle upon checkout, she became incredibly self-conscious about her decision. On her walk home, she realized even more. What would happen if people found out she was reading these books?! Naruto would never let her live it down. He would make fun of her for the rest of her life! Ino would tease her endlessly with sexual jokes, more so than she already did. She didn't even want to think about how Sasuke would react.

Finally she stopped tapping her fingers. Staring intently at the package, she had to admit, she  _ was _ curious about the contents. And she certainly had to admit to herself, though no one else, that she did feel quite lonely. A book was a book, and if Kakashi could do this publicly, why couldn't she have read it privately?  _ I'm an established kunoichi with a family and I can do what I want.  _

_ Hmph. _

And with that, she unwrapped her books and picked out the first one, the turquoise one:  _ Icha Icha Paradise _ . She lifted herself up from the seat and made her way towards the couch.

_ Well, let's get started… _

_ "Takeshi -san…" she whispered breathlessly as he approached her with heavy hooded eyes. _

_ Takeshi held his body flush against the princess, sliding his left hand around her waist while the other held her chin tightly upwards so that she had to look at him. "Yes, my lady?" Princess Ayame returned the pressure against his body and attempted to lift her face towards his and pull him into a kiss. His firm hold on her stopped her advance. He looked at her almost amusedly, a flicker of heat in his eyes. She whimpered in response, her folds growing moist and ready. Takeshi lowered his head towards her ear, and in a low treble tone that shook her entire body, he said, "Your majesty, I'm here to protect you and to serve you." His breath in her ear sent a jolt of electricity through her body. "What can I do for you?" _

_ Ayame knew what he was doing. This would not have been the first time they made love in secret, but Takeshi would never just let it happen. He was teasing her because he knew she wanted it. He wanted her to tell him exactly what he wanted her to do. A glint of determination crossed her eyes. She would not give in to his game. _

_ Takeshi moved his hand from her chin to firmly but painlessly grasp the hair at the nape of her neck. He lowered his lips down to hers just enough to brush her lips. Ayame was resolved not to take what she wanted to avoid giving Takeshi the satisfaction. In response, Takeshi pushed Ayame against the wall, completely covering her with his body. _

" _ You're not supposed to play rough with the Princess, sir," Ayame said coyly. She smirked and put her head back. _

" _ Oh, but on the contrary… I think you like it rough," Takeshi responded, moving his lips down to her neck to suck on her milky skin. Ayame moaned involuntarily, the action and his words lighting her loins on fire. "Mmm, don't you, my princess?" Still, Ayame refused to respond. Takeshi then began to unfurl her nighttime yukata to reveal more of her skin. He then spread her legs with his and began to lift her with his rising knee. Her barely covered breasts were just below his chin then, and so he used his teeth to remove the remaining garments hiding the sacred fruits. He kissed them gently first and Ayame held her breath in anticipation. When the first bite on her nipple came, she had to hold her scream of pleasure in. She wanted to cry out, but she knew her attendants would be able to hear if she was too loud. "My delectable fruit, I will have you make that noise for me," he said to her with another bite and then began sucking. He used his hand to massage the other breast, and used his free hand to start toying with her sensitive pearl. _

_ Ayame couldn't help but let out a tiny moan, "You dirty samurai…" _

_ As she began to writhe and pant, his fingers moved in a quicker circular motion. He smirked and joked, "But don't you like my sword?" _

" _ No!" She managed to say through her moaning. _

" _ No?" he asked. He stopped moving his finger, grabbed both legs and lifted her onto his pelvis. He pressed it against her, pushing her harder onto the wall, letting his clothed erection lay right on top her pearl. He ground it against her. "Don't you want it?" She wouldn't answer but began to rock her hips against him and threw her head back. "Ayame, answer me. Do you want it?" _

_ She moaned loudly and felt herself coming closer to her climax. "Yeeesssss….." she said slowly. _

_ As composed as Takeshi seemed, he almost lost his control and came close to throwing her clothes aside and slamming into her right there. But he wanted to hear it. He needed Ayame to say it. "Unnhh…" he groaned, "Yes, what? What do you want me to do to you?" _

_ Ayame was soon going to cum, but she needed him to push her over the edge. She needed him to be inside of her. "Yes, please…" she moaned, "I need you inside me, please!" _

_ Before she knew it, Takeshi had flipped her over, pressed her face against the wall, and lifted her opened yukata. Somewhere in the mix of that, he had pulled down his pants and the head of his length was pressing slowly in and out of her tightened opening. He was teasing her. He reached one hand around the front and began rubbing her pearl again. She felt so near that she began to buck her hips into him with the sensation, but he wouldn't allow himself to go in all the way. He bent over her, continuing to tease her with the one thing he knew she wanted most. "What do you want, Ayame?" he whispered lowly into her ear. "Tell me exactly what you want from me." _

_ She couldn't take it any longer. She needed to cum. "Fuck me!" She cried out, and in one swift motion, he was fully sheathed within her. "Uunngghh! Yes!" _

Before she knew it, Sakura's breath was catching. Her cheeks were warm from the intensity of the scene. She flung herself into a laying position on the couch and had to stop reading just to  _ breathe _ . This book was like opening Pandora's Box. She couldn't deny it at this point. She was close to the end of  _ Icha Icha Paradise _ and she was thoroughly enjoying it. Jiraiya was a decent writer after all. She was right; it was a good distraction, but it was also an incredible reminder of just how lonely she felt in that moment. Sakura dropped the book under her chin and looked up to the ceiling. She heard nothing around her but her own breathing. She put her arm over her head and rested the back of her palm on her forehead.  _ Hot, alright.  _ At that moment, the other hand decided to slip away from the book and trailed over her own breasts. She hovered and dragged her fingers lightly until they were at the hem of her shirt. She pulled the front up to expose her chest to the cool air, hardening the nipple at contact. She began to trace the mounds on her chest with that same hand, slowly making its way towards the nipple itself. And when she finally did, she rolled the nipple between her fingers and slightly arched her back, knocking to book off of her chest and onto the floor. She took the entire breast into her palm then and began to knead. She bit her lip, imagining the she was Princess Ayame, and the Takeshi was doing those same things to her. She brought the other arm down, and in the same manner, trailed that hand lightly and slowly down her chest and stomach until she finally reached her own pearl. She was already wet from reading, and so she had more than enough to begin swirling her finger in delicious circles. She arched her back higher and started to moan softly. As the scene in her mind progressed, her walls grew tighter, calling for something that wasn't available to her. 

Nevertheless, she persisted and kept rubbing while her other hand kept kneading. Soon, her breath was catching again, and she felt herself coming close to her own climax. The pleasure began radiating from her core. She felt herself growing tighter and tighter, rubbing more furiously as she went and holding her breath until-release. She moaned loudly and let the wave of pleasure rise from her belly up to her neck. The first tremble of her walls came then, followed by a second, and third, until she was finally released from the grip of her own orgasm.

Panting slightly, she thought,  _ look at me...hands all over myself… _ She wondered how pathetic she looked. Not that this was the first time she had masturbated, no. Sasuke was gone for years. She had to manage somehow. But this was the first time she had been turned on by something  _ external- _ -something that wasn't the thought of Sasuke. She quickly pulled her shirt down and slipped her hand out of her shorts. She stood up and looked at  _ Icha Icha Paradise  _ on the floor, feeling suddenly ashamed, as if the book itself was judging her. And with that thought, she felt that it was time for bed. As she rose up the stairs, a final thought crossed her mind:  _ I shouldn't need to do this… Sasuke should be here. _


	4. Not Your Sensei!

Sakura awoke to knocking on the door. At first, she thought she was hearing things, but when the knocks persisted, she knew someone was actually at the front door. The room seemed nice and bright from the sunlight filtering through the window, and she was so cozy under her comforter that she didn't want to get up. She stretched in bed, flipped the covers off, and swung her feet to the floor.

Once she reached the door, she could sense a familiar chakra that immediately irritated her. Swinging the door open, she said flatly, "Yes, Kakashi-sensei?"

Standing at the door way with smiling eyes, Kakashi leaned on the door frame and asked, "So, how was it?"

Sakura rubbed her eyes and asked confusedly, "How was what?"

"The Icha Icha series."

Alarmed, Sakura immediately stopped rubbing and snapped her eyes wide open. She instinctively clawed at his blue long sleeve to pull the man inside her house. "Oi, oi!" Once inside, she slammed the door behind him.

"How did you know about that?! Were you spying on me?" Sakura tried to restrain the anger in her voice. What if Kakashi knew what she had done on the couch?! She would really have to kill him for spying if that was true…

Kakashi backed up against the door and put his two hands up in defense. With his eyebrows curled upwards in either concern or fear, he replied, "No, Sakura-chan, I frequent the bookstore in the mornings and I noticed the Icha Icha section was short of their copies. I asked the clerk who had purchased the books and he said that a pink haired lady bought them. Who else could that have been?"

"Anyone!" she responded sarcastically, almost relieved by his admission but also quite irritated with the clerk for his lack of confidentiality.

"So you took me up on my suggestion, eh?" Kakashi leaned his head back, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and shifted his weight to one side. She could tell he was smirking underneath the stupid mask of his.

"I wanted to know what the big deal was. Can't really see  _ why  _ you're so obsessed." She lied. She totally wanted to keep reading.

"Hmm… keep telling yourself that. There's no going back once you crack that cover open." His eyes darted behind her to the small turquoise book lying on the floor beside the couch.

"Whatever," she said, attempting to deflect. "Is that why you came here?"

"Well," he said, smiling again with his eyes, "that, and this!" He held a paper bag she hadn't noticed before.

"What's that?"

"Tonight is the dinner and I thought that we should contribute to the meal."

"Let me guess: grilled saury."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his hair. "That obvious, huh?"

"I think that I can read you like a book by now, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura declared triumphantly.

"That's a strong statement," he replied with a laugh.

Chuckling to herself, Sakura added, "Uh-huh, and that's how I know that you're going to try to get me to cook this for  _ us _ by myself, to which I'm going to refuse--that is unless you actually help me cook it."

"About that," Kakashi started, lifting his arm to run through the back of his head and smile with his eyes closed.

"Ah, what a shame," Sakura replied sarcastically, "all this tasty fish going to waste tonight."

"Alright, fine…" Kakashi put his hands in front of him to signal defeat. "I'll come back at four."

"Make it three." Sakura that no matter what she tried, knew he would show up late anyway.

* * *

 

At 3:30, Sakura began slicing up pieces of eggplant and sweet potato. The oil pan had been preheated and was ready to fry. After the egg wash and the breaking, she dropped the vegetables into the oil, listening to the sizzle as she let go of each piece. As they were frying, Sakura took it upon herself to dice up small pieces of chashu pork. Earlier, in her boredom, Sakura decided to take a quick trip to the market. She wanted to accompany the saury meal with something, and so she picked up some fresh eggplant-one of Kakashi's favorites-and a sweet potato-her favorite. On the way back home from the market, she passed by Ichiraku to pick up Naruto's favorite pork. She knew they wouldn't be having ramen for dinner, but surely Naruto would appreciate an element of it. She decided she would also make Chashu fried rice. It wasn't the healthiest choice, but it was one of Sarada's favorites, and she was sure Naruto would like it.

Once the Tempura was ready, she pulled them out one by one using her chopsticks. She dropped them on a drip pan and returned to her chashu.

At that moment, Sarada walked into the door. "Tadaima…" She walked slowly toward the dining table, pulled out a chair, and slumped into it.

"Sarada! How was your mission?" Sakura briefly glanced at her sulking daughter before turning back to the cutting board.

"Boring... long," She replied with disinterest.

"Tell me about it."

"Not much to tell. More missions that involve chasing lost cats or rounding up rogue bears. And not to mention, Konohamaru-sensei really just watches."

"Huh, I thought you all had stopped doing those kinds of missions since the Chunin exam."

"Hokage-sama said that there aren't nearly as many missions right now as he normally would have-at least not at our level. He says there's a lot more jonin stuff." She sighed heavily then, seeming tired for the lack of excitement and fighting. "Why are you cooking so much, mama?"

"Well," she paused smashing up pieces of rice, chashu, and green onion. She turned around to face her daughter, back leaning on the counter. "We are going to Boruto-kun's house for dinner tonight. I think Inojin will be there too."

Sarada looked surprised for a moment, and then slumped onto to table, attempting to look displeased. "Do I have to go, mom? I just spent an entire mission with Boruto."

Sakura could see a tiny blush spread across Sarada's face despite her forced frowning. Ever since the attack on the Chunin exams, Sarada had been showing signs of infatuation. Sakura thought it was cute at first, but now, she wasn't too sure how she felt about Boruto as the target of her affection. He was like Naruto, but he was different in a way. Perhaps she just never considered the possibility of their children falling for each other. She didn't absolutely hate the idea, she just didn't know how to feel about it. But despite her daughter's facade, she knew that Sarada would want to go-she just needed a social "out" to make it seem like it was not in her control. After all, Sakura was a teenager once and so these instances were not alien to her.

* * *

 

As Sarada sprawled her arms across the table, she concealed her giddiness at the invitation to have dinner at Boruto-kun’s house. She couldn’t  _ just _ accept, Sarada told herself, because if she did, her stupid crush would be  _ too  _ obvious.

Sarada felt her cheeks flush, and she attempted to shield it by shoving her face into her arms.

"Well, I'd like you to go--for me, if not for anything else," said her mom, definitely appealing to some kind of pity. Sarada peered up from her arms then. Sakura continued, "Your mom doesn't get to go on missions anymore, you know. I'm cooped up in an office most of the day while all my teammates are out doing missions or being the Hokage."

Once her mom had mentioned  _ all _ her teammates, Sarada noticed a change in her mother’s tone. Although Sarada didn’t really  _ need _ to be guilted into going, she suddenly felt a little bad for making this a bigger deal than it needed to be. Visibly conceding to her mother’s request, Sarada looked toward the floor and agreed, "Fine, I'll go."

Just then, a knock on the door came and Sarada kicked herself off of the dining table chair and went to answer the door. Kakashi stood at the doorway smiling with his eyes, and surely with his mouth if it were visible. "Sarada-chan, you're back."

"Rokudaime… Hokage...sama…" Sarada bowed slowly and stared in wonder.

Kakashi sighed, "How many times do I have to tell you, Kakashi-sama is fine. You don't have to refer to me as the Hokage you know."

Sarada heard her mother chuckle from the kitchen, "Kakashi-sensei, this is going to be a never ending battle for you. I think you should resign from trying."

At that, Sarada moved over to let Kakashi enter. He nodded in Sarada’s direction, acknowledging her and thanking her for the greeting, and then he walked over to Sakura in the kitchen.

"It's Kakashi to you, Sakura. I'm not your sensei anymore," he reminded playfully. Sarada stood in awe of her mother and the Hokage. Although she had heard many stories of their time together, she couldn't quite fathom the informal nature of their relationship. They seemed close, as though they were people who knew each other very well, as many years would do for a relationship. This was also a side of the Rokudaime Hokage that Sarada wasn't used to seeing. At school, she only really interacted with him on formal occasions. He did come over occasionally when she was younger, but she was too young to remember.

Kakashi peered over Sakura's shoulder to see a tray of eggplant and sweet potato tempura, and a large bowl of chashu fried rice. "You've really outdone yourself, huh?"

"Do you think it's too much? Did I overdo it?" She looked up at Kakashi with a hint of concern.

"We've got a lot of mouths to feed," he shrugged while searching the counter with his eyes in hopes that Sakura did  _ all _ the cooking.

"Nope!" Sakura chimed with determination. "No saury for you. I said you'd have to help and I meant it." Kakashi seemed to be pouting underneath his mask when Sakura slapped a bag of fish in his hand. "There's a grill outside. I'll bring you the bag of charcoal." Kakashi dragged himself to the backyard while Sakura watched him in a very mom-like fashion. Her right hand was on her hip as she leaned in that direction, watching him sulk the way a child would after being told to finish their chores.

As he went, he whined "Sakura-chaaaaaan…"

She sighed heavily and then smirked, "It's Sakura to you! I haven't been your young subordinate in years!" She stormed after him hastily and Sarada couldn't help but giggle. It wasn't often that she saw this dominant yet playful side of her mother. When her father was around, it seemed as though they were both on eggshells--unsure of how their words would be received by Sasuke. But when he wasn't around, it was strange how she and her mother could be more like themselves.


	5. Revelation

"Ahhhhhhhh!" exclaimed Naruto as he slammed down his sake cup. "Sakura-chan, Hinata! This dinner was amazing!"

Presently, the remaining adults sat around the table, pleasingly full of delicious food, and savoring the company of the team. Hinata smiled beside Naruto as she poured him another cup of sake. "Naruto-kun, not so loudly. The kids are sleeping." After a few hours of bickering amongst themselves, Sarada and Boruto settled in on the couch to listen to their parents recount their adventures as a young shinobi, but they fell asleep somewhere during the story telling. Inojin had not come after all. Ino, inspired by Sakura's sudden feeling of nostalgia, had decided to host a dinner with her own teammates. Sai explained that she wanted Inojin to stay with her as she felt as though he should grow closer with Shikadai. As such, Sai attended this dinner alone.

All but Hinata had been drinking throughout the night. Naruto was clearly affected; he never could control his volume nor his grinning when he was drunk. Kakashi and Sai seemed as unaffected as ever-no outward signs of the alcohol affecting their pale skin. Sakura felt a little tipsy herself after a few cups of sake. Her cheeks were painted a nice rosy shade of pink, and she noticed her reaction times slowing. She leaned back against her chair and sighed in content as she was certainly happy for the company. Kakashi was to her right, and an Sarada's empty chair to her right. Naruto and Hinata sit across from them at the table. The chair beside Hinata had Himawari's teddy bear on it; she had adorably excused herself for bed and promised that the stuffed animal would take the place of her absence. At each end of the table were the seats of Sai and Boruto. Of course, Boruto feigned annoyance as he typically did when his father was around, and Sarada was quick to point it out, causing them to argue amongst themselves. When this happened Naruto and Sakura would glance at each other across the table with a smile, seeing themselves in their younger counterparts. Meanwhile, Hinata would attempt to calm her son. Kakashi remained characteristically quiet and relatively uninvolved, occasionally returning to his book as he ate and drank.

Sakura sighed heavily as she pushed the book down to get his attention, "Kakashi-sensei, you are at a dinner table with your teammates, you know?"

"Yeah, Kaka-sensei! Have another glass of sake with me!" Naruto yelled quite loudly as he took the jug from Hinata and poured for him.

Resigning, Kakashi set the book down. "Fine," he responded, "I was just brushing up on some light literary content. It's brilliant."

Sakura snorted at the use of "literary content" while Sai inquired about the contents. "Kakashi-sama, I have seen you reading the same book for years. What do you like about it anyway?"

Kakashi picked up his sake cup and threw the contents back, swallowing loudly and setting the cup down. "Well," he mused, "perhaps we should ask Sakura-chan. She recently picked up the series." He quickly looked in her direction with the most annoying smile he had ever given.

She vowed that she would get revenge as she turned beet red. Naruto almost spit out his sake at this bit of information, and loudly whispered, "Sakura-chan! You're reading Ero-sannin's porn now?!"

Hinata began blushing wildly as she spoke, "Naruto-kun…"

"Porn?" inquired Sai, "What is porn?"

Kakashi couldn't help but let out a chuckle at the question and Sakura raised a clenched fist.

"It is NOT porn--OKAY, yes, I read one book! But it's because Kakashi-sensei told me to!"

"I did not instruct you to do any such thing."

"Okay, he recommended it. And I wanted to know why he was so obsessed with it anyway!"

At that, Naruto seemed to be content with this explanation, but his curiosity was piqued. "So, did you like it?"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow in her direction and seemed to be paying attention intently. Given that this was Sai's original question, he was paying close attention too--characteristically so without much emotion.

"Well…" Sakura began, "It's not terrible. I suppose Jiraiya wasn't such a horrible writer-"

"So you enjoyed it after all," Kakashi stated in an _I-told-you-so_ manner.

"No!" Sakura waved her hands dismissively and defensively, "It's porn after all! With all those lengthy sex scenes, there's no other way to describe it! You _are_ a perv."

"But you finished an entire book," Kakashi retorted quickly. Sakura's irritation was evident on her face.

"I hardly remember them. Jiraiya used to have me read them, but I was bored by them back then." Naruto rubbed his chin and looked toward the ceiling. He looked as if he were considering re-reading the series himself. Hinata's cheeks turned a shade darker once she realized that Kakashi was reading a book full of sexual encounters at her dinner table.

Kakashi shrugged and insisted it was sensual poetry. Sai cut in and said quite simply, "Sex is enjoyable." It was clear then that Sai had never really outgrown his streak for rudeness. He never understood what was socially acceptable, and so these occurrences were not strange to Team 7. Naruto nodded enthusiastically, while Kakashi shot Sakura victorious glance. Naruto chuckled teasingly and Sai smiled with his eyes. Hinata remained as uncomfortable as ever.

Feeling as though her morality was attacked, she felt the need to continue: "Look, I was just bored, okay? Like I said, I wanted to see what the big deal was. Both Sarada and Sasuke were on a mission and I don't have anything to do when they're gone." Sakura's tone became stern then, and the table realized that they were crossing a dangerous line for her. Sasuke's absence was as loud as ever, and it was a topic that all adults attempted to avoid all night. Yet here it was, as palpable as an absence could be, causing a member that they loved so much an evident amount of pain. It was no secret to them. Sakura was lonely. Why else would she suggest this dinner? Even Naruto, as dense as he could be at times, was aware of this fact.

The table became quiet then, the members of the table--besides Kakashi who was staring at the ceiling--regarding Sakura intently. She dropped her head slowly then, realizing the nature of the silence. Naruto cleared his throat and put forth an unexpected offer: "Sakura-chan, I want to put you back on the active roster."

Sakura quickly raised her head to meet Naruto's authoritative gaze and stared at him wide eyed. "Wh-what?"

"Sakura, staying in the village isn't doing you any good. Your family is out on the field, and I can tell you need it."

"I can't just leave the hospital, Naruto. I'm the head--"

"The hospital will manage. Tsunade-no-bachan and Shizune-san are here. Besides, Ino has been doing well with her Medical Ninjutsu. We need a skilled medical ninja on the field, and you're the best. I'm sure Sarada-chan has told you that we have no genin-level missions, and that all of the requests are jonin ranked."

Sakura stared at him wide-eyed. She was torn. She wanted this more than anything. She missed being out on the field every day, but she was a mother now. She had responsibilities. And she hadn't been on the field for years. "But… Sarada-chan…"

Kakashi put a hand on her shoulder and cut in, "Sarada-chan in 13 now. She can manage on her own."

Hinata added, "Sakura-chan, I understand what you are feeling. I miss the missions too, but I have Boruto and Himawari. She isn't old enough to go on missions yet. But don't worry, I will always check in on Sarada-chan while you are gone." Naruto smiled widely as all of the hurdles Sakura could possibly put forth had been handled thanks to Hinata.

"This is a mission for team 7," Naruto stated excitedly. “I won't be there, but Sai, Kakashi-sensei. You'll all be involved in this mission."

Kakashi looked surprised as well. He had not been on a mission since becoming Hokage--at least, not any official ones. "Well, if my Hokage needs me, I'll do it," Kakashi concluded as he looked toward Sakura to remind her of her duties to the village. And although she returned his glance with confusion, she understood. She must answer the Hokage's request, even if she was absolutely unsure of herself.

He grinned even wider, "Well, you're an old Hokage that reads porn books all day, but I want you there for Sakura-chan. And I need your reconnaissance abilities. Sai… well… He just won't be able to talk to people the way you would."

Sakura and Kakashi nodded then knowingly, given that Sai still had his awkward conversational tendencies. He seemed as if he did not comprehend Naruto's suggestion.

"Report to the Hokage Tower at 2."

Hesitant nods could be seen around the table.

* * *

 After cleaning up the dinner table, Sakura excused herself to return home. Kakashi had kindly volunteered to carry Sarada back home. Although she was thirteen, she was out like a light from the fatigue of her mission. Together, they approached the doorway, slipped on their shoes, and turned to greet Hinata farewell.

"Thank you so much for dinner, Hinata," Sakura bowed to Hinata. Kakashi nodded behind her, and made his way outside.

She gave a genuine smile and replied with a shrug of her shoulders, "Sakura-chan, I'm sorry for Naruto…"

"Don't be,” Sakura replied gratefully, “Naruto is trying to look out for me in the only way he knows how to." She smiled at Hinata, attempting to reassure her that she was still happy with the outcome of the night. "Besides, I'm still so happy that we were all able to get together."

Hinata seemed relieved and softly spoke, "I promise that I will look over Sarada-chan."

"Thank you…"

* * *

 

The walk home had been quiet. Kakashi silently walked with Sarada on his back while Sakura paced forward with confusion sprawled across her face. He watched her closely, not quite sure how to approach the situation, settling on the ever-familiar comfort of silence. It was always easier to stay silent. Conversations were not typically his forte.

But Sakura's mind would not stay silent. In fact, inner Sakura was battling with her as they walked. On the one hand, she was excited to have this opportunity-to feel needed, independent, important. It's not like she wasn't any of these things at home, but it was overshadowed by a sense of loneliness, especially when Sarada left. And even when she wasn't gone. She was especially lonely while she slept in her marriage bed by herself--again, continuously haunted by Sasuke's absence. And when he was home, those feelings of loneliness remained because he refused to be intimate, or talk to her about anything really. On the other hand, Sarada needed her mother. With her father's constant absence, could she really justify leaving her alone too? It was bad enough that Sasuke was rarely home, but to add her mother to that seemed to Sakura like abandonment. This is why mothers leave active roster to begin with. Someone needs to be home. Who would cook for her? Do her laundry? Check in on her before and after her missions?

Sakura looked up at her sleeping daughter on Kakashi's back. The more Sakura listed the things she did for Sarada, the more inner Sakura reminded her that Sarada did those things by herself anyway during her late nights at the hospital. She was in independent child, quite like her father, and didn't absolutely need the attention that was required of younger children.

Kakashi looked down to meet Sakura's eyes then, and Sakura's glance shifted from Sarada to Kakashi, concern clearly swirling in that head of hers. "Kakashi…" she began.

Kakashi knew that she would say something eventually. They couldn't cruise in silence forever, especially knowing that the topic in question was a mission they'd have together, and of course, the young girl on his back. He wasn't ignorant to the fact that this was the first time she simply called him _Kakashi_ , and not sensei. "Sakura," he smiled with his eyes as he responded, "Stop worrying. Sarada will be fine. Hinata is a great mother. She will look after her."

"I know," she breathed heavily, "It’s just… _I'm_ her mother. That's _my_ job. Don't you think it will look bad to the villagers if _both_ her parents are off on missions?" She looked away from Kakashi then. Her eyes began to well up with tears at the thought of Sarada's loneliness and she didn't want him to see it.

Kakashi pretended not to notice that she was avoiding his gaze. "Sakura, Sarada is fully capable of taking care of herself. It's not like you will be gone permanently. We don't even know how long this mission will be. For all you know, this mission will only last a week."

"A week is a long time…" she responded quietly, as if she almost had no emotional strength to speak.

"Not for shinobi, which is also your daughter's profession."

Sakura sighed then, and continued with her same worries, "I'm a mother now, not a kunoichi…"

"You will always be a kunoichi," he stated in a matter-of-fact tone, then suddenly he lowered his tone and spoke freely, "And you're not just _any_ kunoichi, you're the prodigy of a medical Sannin, and one of the greatest ninja in this village. Don't you think it's a little unfair that only Sasuke gets to go on missions, when you trained so hard to get to where you are today-to catch up them?"

Kakashi's words struck her directly in her heart. Suddenly, tears began to fall down her cheeks as they so often did when she considered Sasuke and his absence, added with the feelings of inferiority that she felt when they were teenagers. She remembered how much it hurt to feel like she was never enough, watching Naruto and Sasuke grow exponentially while she was left all alone in Konoha. The feelings returned in full force.

Turning to him, knowing that she could no longer hide her emotions, she admitted her fears: "Kakashi, I haven't been on mission in years. Over a decade since becoming a mother. I could be rusty! What if I don't react as fast as I used to in battle? What if I can't dodge a kunai? What if I d-"

Kakashi knew where she was headed with this and he knew he had to stop it.

" **Stop** ," he said sternly. Both of them ceased to move and faced each other. "You will **not** die out there, Sakura." He looked at her with determination--with a look that told her in one glance that he truly believed in her abilities. He also looked at her with a softness that she'd never seen from him before.

But this look was not new to Kakashi, as he realized that he had looked at her this way once before--when Sasuke put her under a genjutsu after she attempted to make him stay once they defeated Kaguya. He had looked at her back then with sorrow, regret, and care. He understood only too well the tumult she had been feeling, and he hated that these feelings did not end, not even after her marriage to Sasuke. At the time, the barrier between teacher and student faded. He had caressed her cheek with concern as she lay unconscious on the battlefield, wondering how someone she loved could put her through so much emotional pain.

And that barrier would fade once more--formalities, whatever was left of them, would be put aside for a moment.

"Sakura," he said, as he reached for her cheek to wipe away her tears. She looked at him in shock--in her mind, he had never shown this kind of concern for her before. It was quite unlike him, as he would usually remain quiet or find the quickest way to leave the scene. "Listen to me," he said, even softer than he had already been speaking," I am your--I mean, I _was_ your sensei. Your safety _was_ and _still_ is my concern. Just because you aren't my student anymore doesn't mean I don't know what you are capable of. And if I thought for one second that you couldn't do this, I wouldn't even entertain this idea of you going on any mission." Kakashi was even shocked with himself. This wasn't like him. He was never the type to speak so freely about what he actually thought, but perhaps he was just too triggered by Sakura's emotional state. He moved his hand away from her cheek and placed in on the top of her head, the way he would when she doubted herself as a teenager. "You'll be fine. Trust me. I won't let anything happen to you, not that you need my protection anyway."

He dropped his hand and placed it back under Sarada's leg to keep her sleeping figure hoisted up. She stayed silent for a moment to take in the man before her and the words he had spoken. Was this really the Kakashi she knew? In all of the years she had known him, he had never outright confronted her silliness in such a thoughtful yet direct manner. Her tears, however, would not stop as she replayed his words in her mind.

 _I'm enough,_ she told herself inwardly. _I'll be fine._ And she realized that, for the first time since Sasuke's departure, she felt comforted. And she was comforted by Kakashi of all people. For weeks she had been tormenting herself, crying about her loneliness, wondering just who she was when everyone she loved was fulfilling their roles elsewhere.

 _Who am I?_  she asked herself inwardly while staring at Kakashi.

_Who am I when I am not a mother?_

_Who am I when I am not a wife?_

_Who am I when I am not a doctor?_

Finally, she stopped staring at him in shock. Kakashi, who was typically comfortable with silence, was not comfortable in this instance. He was waiting for her to say something, _do_ something--even though he didn't know what. And finally, he saw her sadness morph into shock and then contentedness. It seemed like he finally got through to her. She smiled warmly at him--and for some reason, he felt a strange tug in his chest. _He did that_. That kind of cause-and-effect was not something he was used to.

"Thank you," Sakura softly, yet in a pleased tone. "You're right. I _am_ a kunoichi." Confidence suddenly radiated from her being. Her tears refused to cease, but the meaning behind them changed entirely. "I'm a kunoichi," she repeated, her voice breaking as the tears dropped.

Whatever this moment was felt like freedom, the heaviness and doubt that she was experiencing evaporated away with her tears--at least for now. She was happy with this revelation, and she had Kakashi to thank.

"You are," he replied quietly, with pride peeking through the tone of his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I sort of liked the ending of this chapter. I felt like the conversation seemed somewhat natural, even though it feels slightly out of character for Kakashi. I really wanted it to show that Kakashi really cares for her well-being, even if he only shows it sometimes. The dinner scene gave me some trouble though.
> 
> New A/N: I am aware that I had written in a completely omniscient perspective in this chapter and that I was alternating abruptly between Kakashi and Sakura. As the story progresses, I do get better in maintaining a single narrative voice per section, but for now, these chapters remain unaltered. In the future, I'd like to change it so that the narrative focus remains on only one character.


	6. Presence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New A/N: This chapter was originally inspired by episode 15 of Boruto.

_"Naruto," Sasuke spoke softly. He waited silently for his friend to finish his thought. "Give Sakura a message for me. Tell her I'm sorry. For everything." He detected a hint of regret in his voice before the raven-haired shinobi disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a swirl of leaves._

_"I'm the one who's sorry…" Naruto admitted to himself quietly._

_As he sat on that tree top staring into the moon, he was ridden with guilt. Naruto couldn't quite pinpoint the origin for his guilt. All he knew was that he felt it. For all the years that he'd known Sakura, she had been suffering ever since Sasuke's first departure. He remembered when she cried her eyes out, begging Naruto to bring Sasuke home. She'd been hurting ever since--and to an extent, so had he. He couldn't fulfill that promise, and she recognized that it hurt him too. She  unsuccessfully tried to tell Naruto that she loved him so that he would stop killing himself over Sasuke's seemingly lost cause._

_When Sakura and Sasuke finally got married, Naruto had been so happy. He believed that Sakura would finally find the happiness she deserved. She would receive the love she always longed for. Sasuke would stay and rebuild his clan. But then Sakura bore a daughter for him, and he left. She didn't get the love she deserved after all. Was it his fault that Sasuke was never in the village? He agreed to Sasuke's request to go on missions, partially because he understood his thirst for adventure, but mostly because he was afraid that if he didn't, Sasuke would leave anyway. And at least this way, he knew where he was, what he was doing, that Sasuke was coming back. But was that agreement the continual cause of all of Sakura's pain? He left again. And again. And again. Would it ever end? Was it his fault, or Sasuke's, or both?_

_Unable to answer his own questions, and because he couldn't shake off the dreadful feeling of guilt, Naruto left his perch, his kage bunshin disappearing into the darkness, awakening all of these heavy revelations in the real Naruto, the one sitting tirelessly in the Hokage's Office._

* * *

That meeting between Naruto and Sasuke happened years ago. Sarada was still in the Ninja Academy with Boruto when it had happened, and she had yet to meet her father. She was tormented by it--so much so that she awakened her sharingan through an enormous misunderstanding about her parentage. But would it have happened if Sasuke had been around?

Naruto stood at the window of his room, arm perched above him, watching Sakura walk away from his house with Kakashi beside her. It was a familiar image--it was normal to see someone else by her side, and even more normal for that person to be Kakashi. He was always alone too, and they had that in common. Naruto was grateful to his sensei then, because he knew that Kakashi understood the pain and loneliness that she felt. Naruto hoped that perhaps sending them on a mission together could relieve that loneliness in both of them. In that moment, he was glad that he decided never to tell Sakura what Sasuke had said. He couldn't bear to see her happy expression change into undeniable hurt in front of him. He couldn't bear to watch Sakura hold back her tears and pretend to be grateful for the message. He just couldn't do it.

And as he watched Sakura walk away, he wondered if he had made the right decision. He clenched his fist above his head. What could he do?

"Naruto-kun?" An arm slide around his hips from behind him. Hinata laid her cheek against his back, her warm breath heating up his skin under his shirt.

"Hinata…" he never turned to face her, and continued to watch his teammates walk away. "Did I do the right thing?"

Hinata nuzzled closer as she wrapped her other arm around him before responding, "You are doing your best. You're worried about Sakura-chan. We all are. She knows that you just want to see her happy."

He exhaled sharply, "I'm just _so_ tired of Sakura looking so unhappy... She's been through so much. I really thought that their marriage would put a stop to all of this. And Sarada-chan's birth..."

For once, Hinata had the courage to ask about Sasuke's absence, "Naruto-kun, she always tells us that Sasuke is busy on an important mission. And I'm sure he is, but is it true that it's so important that he can't visit his family?"

Naruto turned around then to return his wife's embrace, leaning against the glass of the window and taking her with him. "He is on a mission," he stated simply, then proceeded to change his tone, "but if Sasuke can send me messages, or meet with me on treetops, he can do the same for his family... At least _once a year_. I want him to do that actually."

"He meets with you?"

"Not often. But he does... He even told me to tell her he was sorry for everything years ago."

"Did you ever tell her?"

"No... I just didn't want to see her cry."

Hinata shifted her body against him, putting her forehead into the nook of his neck. "Well, if he apologized, at least that means he still cares."

"I never doubted that he cared. I know he loves Sakura, but... I guess he just doesn't know how to show it. Sure, he loves her. And she loves him, but when it comes down to it, Sasuke _isn't here_. There's only so much of being gone that someone can take, and I think she's reaching her limit."

Both Naruto and Hinata considered this statement for a few seconds, Hinata realizing the hurt she would feel if Naruto was gone any more than he already was as the Hokage, and Naruto realizing the same thing. Hinata wondered if she could truly handle Sakura's circumstances. No matter how much she loved Naruto, she knew that it would hurt greatly. She couldn't bear to think what it might've felt like if she rarely saw Naruto for the equivalent of 13 years. Naruto, having a similar thought process, allowed his emotions to get the better of him. He had always been personally involved in the feelings of his teammates, and especially those involving Sasuke. Resting his head against the glass, he looked up and gave an exasperated sigh. Hinata looked up at her husband, worried, and reached out for his face.

"Hinata..." he said softly. "I know you struggle with how busy I am with as the Hokage..." He looked down at his wife lovingly, softly-nearing tears.

Seeing this, Hinata smiled gently and began to caress the back of his neck. "Naruto-kun, this village is your family. You know I understand. I'm so proud of you."

"I know..." he dropped his forehead to meet hers. "And I know it shouldn't be this way, but if you ever feel like I'm not here with you, don't you ever hesitate to come to me... This village _is_ my family, but you are the most important."

Hinata, feeling the love of her husband, feeling emboldened by his heartfelt admission, raised herself on her toes, signaling that she was reaching for a kiss. Naruto dropped his head further, kissing his wife lightly first, then increasing the passion. Breaking away from the kiss, Hinata looked up at her husband and said, "You're here, Naruto... With me. Always."

"I love you, Hinata." He picked up his wife then, moving her legs around his torso and lifting her up. He ravaged her neck with little kisses and nips, growling playfully at her neck.

"Now," he said teasingly, "...about that _Icha Icha_ book." He began sucking on her neck then.

"N-Naruto-kun!" Hinata exclaimed in shock and in pleasure, but she moved her head to the side to allow him more access.

"Say my name like that again, Hinata..." he said seductively, his kisses growing stronger as he carried his lovely wife towards the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I just posted this story yesterday, and I can't believe how many people have been reading this story, and so quickly! I have to be honest, seeing the viewer numbers go up, the followers, favorites, and reviews-it makes me want to keep going. And I will try my best to do so. School is starting this week, so realistically, I can probably update once a week or so. These last 4 chapters have been sitting on my phone for months, and I only had the courage to post them now. Thanks for your encouragement!
> 
> Additionally, I feel the need to comment on this: I am NOT ANTI-Sasusaku. In fact, I would actually prefer it if their relationship worked out. It's just that, the way that it's been unfolding, I have my doubts. Seeing Sarada upset about his absence just sort of makes me mad, even though I know he sticks around for a bit after the Boruto movie (maybe his stay is more permanent given Boruto's apprenticeship, but until I see it, who knows?). Seeing him say he was sorry through Naruto, seeing her say their date only lasted 2 minutes and that he must've forgotten... I just get so sad for her. I've been reading the pro-sasusaku stuff, and I totally understand the preference for him and their relationship. I get that this is a fictional setting. But if I place myself in Sakura's shoes, I would be fucking heartbroken every day. This is an anime-we have no real sense of progression of time. But in real life, that shit hurts. I could never ever see myself going through what she's going through. Add a child into that? It would hurt too much. 
> 
> So... In short, my decision to pair Sakura with Kakashi (when we get to that point) is literally based on a sliver of life experience and realistic expectations of a relationship. Yes, I understand that Sakura and Sasuke are emotionally connected, but at the end of the day, in real relationships, that can only take you so far. I would never want to be in a relationship like that, and I figure most people wouldn't, no matter how much in love you are. I tried to use Naruhina as springboard for that exact idea.
> 
> I hope you understand. It may seem like I am anti-Sasuke, but at the end of the day, I'm really not. I'm just writing a fictional piece that will help me visualize happiness for Sakura in the end.


	7. Companionship

"Chaaaaaa-narrrrooo!"

Earthquake. Ground shatters. Crumbling of rocks everywhere.

It was glorious.

Sakura's fist hit the dirt on trainings grounds three and Kakashi's kage-bunshin blinked out of existence, revealing the real copy-nin's location-stabilizing himself on the edge of Sakura's spreading crevices. Kakashi crouched, eyes locked on hers from across the jagged battlefield, hand spread parallel to the ground.

"Chidori!" He spat out rapidly, and began hopping from rising boulder to rising boulder with blue sparks flickering from his arm, heading in the pink assassin's direction.

Head tilted downwards and eyes peeking up from under her lids, Sakura smirked and released the byakugou mark on her forehead, chakra visibly wrapping around her face, then swirling down her arms and legs.

Kakashi maintained his composure, the only outward hint of his inner fear manifesting itself as a tightly knit brow.

Feeling the release of chakra in her body was euphoric. She hadn't felt this surge of power in years and oh, did she want to  _ use it.  _ She was magnificent; she stood waiting for him intending to take the hit because  _ she could. _ She could heal through it and regenerate herself afterwards.

As Kakashi charged toward her, he began to hesitate. Why wasn't she jumping out of the way? And with the visual focus that the chidori required, he knew she could. Speed was not her forte, but without his sharingan, it wouldn't be  _ too  _ difficult for her. But as his eyes remained on hers, he watched a smirk spread across her face and her eyes relaying pure confidence, he realized it--she meant to take the hit. He couldn't help but hesitate. She had released her byakugou with the intention to heal through it, but he was worried regardless. And right before he reached her, he let his chidori disperse. He refused to risk it. He hastily began weaving the signs for his mud wall before his target stopping short of being flung from the wall himself.

" _ Doton: Doryuheki _ !"

Sakura noticed. She allowed herself to be thrown upwards, maneuvering herself into a flip to land behind him, slide her palm around his ankle before flipping him into the air, and jumping to smash him onto his back.

Kakashi found himself on the ground with a few broken ribs and a Sakura hovering over him as the dirt settled, her green eyes triumphantly peering down into his pained expression.

"Kakashi," she said coolly and quietly.

Only then did he notice the sharp pain and the warm blood dripping down his neck. She had him with a kunai.

"What happened to ' _ Don't go easy'?" _

"Well… about that," he chuckled, coughing a little bit and wincing in pain.

Sakura sighed, retracted her byakugou, and sat down beside him while unzipping his flak jacket She placed her palms on his hardened chest, and began to repair her damages.

Kakashi silently watched her face as she healed him, with the ambient glow of green that matched her eyes. He watched the black swirls coil itself back into the tiny spot in her forehead, and was in awe of her chakra control-as always. She had changed in the last few months. She looked proud again. Confident. Strong. With purpose. Her hair was ruffled, covered in a thin film of sweat, her cheeks were scratched with dirt and blood, and she had a few tears on her shirt, but all he could see was green. She was radiant. Every time they trained together he recognized it just a little bit more. And the more confident she grew, the more that recognition grew. His chest was warm, not only from her palms and her chakra flowing through him, but…  _ from what? _

The patter of running feet broke his concentration.

"Mama! Kakashi-sama!" Sarada came running to them.

Sakura patted Kakashi's chest when she was done and turned her attention to the teen. He slowly began to sit up to watch the exchange. "Sarada! What did I tell you about running onto my broken battlefield? You could slip and really hurt yourself."

Completely ignoring her mother's warnings, she exclaimed with incredible emphasis, "That was so cool!" She jumped from foot to foot in glee of the spectacle. "You really have to teach me how to get my own byakugou, mom."

Sakura giggled at her daughter's wishes, "Of course, but first, you have a lot of your own training to do before we even get to that point." She was still a genin, as the completion of the Chunin exams had never been resolved after the attack. Kakashi and Sakura had been training together for three months since that night at Naruto's house, and Sarada would do her best to come and watch every training. When she was told that her mother was returning to the active roster, she was doubtful at first-unsure of her mother's abilities as she had only seen them a handful of times-and then excited. She constantly wanted to be reminded of the epic woman she would one day become-added with the strength and accuracy of the sharingan. During these trainings, Kakashi would often attempt to make Sarada practice throwing kunai, or her Goukakyuu no jutsu, but she would get too easily distracted by the rumble of her mother's fists. And so, after Sarada got her fill of watching, she would be so inspired to run off and train with her team.

"I know," Sarada replied, "I've got to master my chakra control first. You've said it before." 

Sarada turned her head towards her pack and rummaged through it to produce a small packet of wet wipes. "Here," she said handing it to her mother, "Wipe your faces before you go back into town. You're covered in dirt--as usual." Her mother smiled and thanked her. "I've got to go meet Konohamaru-sensei, now. Bye!" And she was off, jumping from rock to rock and disappearing into the trees toward other training grounds.

Sakura watched her daughter run off silently. Kakashi reached out and swiped one of the wipe packets from Sakura's grasp, forcing her to turn her attention towards him. He pulled down his mask and vigorously began to wipe his face-his hair getting caught in some of the motions. "Ahhh," Kakashi let out. He leaned back onto his arms and dropped his head backward, allowing the light breeze to dust across his moist face, making his skin tingle as if he applied mint. He noticed Sakura hadn't said anything since Sarada ran off, and so he lifted his head to discover the reason for her silence. She was staring at him intently; her eyes were sort of wide and caught in a trance as if she didn't recognize the man in front of her.

"Sakura?" he asked quietly. Finally, awareness registered in her face and she loosened her body posture.

"Sorry," she replied, "After all these years of you hiding your face, I guess I will never get used to the idea that there's actually something under there."

He smiled in her direction and chuckled. He didn't miss the light dusting of pink spreading across her cheeks. "Well, take it all in. Who knows when you'll see it again." And with that, he secured his mask into place. She gave a little  _ hmph _ , and decided to begin wiping the dirt off of her own face. At that moment, Kakashi's stomach began to grumble.

"Shall we grab a bite?" Kakashi asked, standing up to stretch, then offering his hand to help her up.

She took his hand and pulled herself up, but felt the need to boast a bit: "Shouldn't it be me helping you up after the thorough beat-down I just gave you?"

"I  _ suppose _ that's true. Luckily, your healing skills are first-rate and so I don't  _ need _ your help to get up."

"Sure sounds like help to me, if I had to heal you."

"Can't a man just be a gentleman?"

Sakura laughed sarcastically as she straightened her clothing. Once she had smoothed the creases on her top, they began to walk toward town together. 

"Where to?" she asked energetically. Kakashi shrugged, leading Sakura to exclaim excitedly, "Udon it is--again!"

* * *

 

"Mmmmm!" Sakura expressed, appearing extremely satisfied as she chewed on the last piece of noodle to enter her mouth. "So good!"

Sakura's favorite thing to order at this restaurant was a cold niku udon dish with an extra hard boiled egg. She loved to eat this particularly after a good training session because she felt that the cold was refreshing-and she could order a stick of dango afterward.

Kakashi had already finished his own donburi and was simply watching Sakura scarf down the rest of her meal. "So," he said simply, "Naruto wants us to come in tomorrow."

"Another mission?" she asked, reaching for the dango on the plate beside her bowl.

Kakashi nodded, "Seems so."

Naruto had been sending them on small reconnaissance missions here and there-missions that didn't last longer than about a week but didn't really provide much action. Naruto had selected Sai as their team leader, given that he was the only of the three consistently running missions. Since the invasion on the Chunin exams, Naruto wanted to make sure that they were seeking out any potential traces of another invasion or resident alien. Their missions ended up with no information and their leads essentially unfounded. As uneventful as they were, the only real action Kakashi and Sakura faced were during their training sessions-to ensure that they were ready if a fight were ever necessary out there.

"Well," Sakura responded flatly, having finished a piece of her dessert, "Hopefully you won't doubt me again while we're out there."

Kakashi shrugged with his palm facing upward, attempting to resolve her irritation to his hesitation earlier that day, "Well..." he started. He paused, not wanting to bring up the  _ true _ reason for dissolving his chidori. Besides, he wasn’t sure Sakura even really knew  _ that _ story. "I don’t know. Sorry..."

She stared back at him, leaning her cheek on her left hand, swirling the stick in her mouth with her right hand. She didn't respond.

Kakashi continued genuinely, "I just didn't want to really hurt you, but I know you could've taken it. I’ve always said that shinobi should train with the intent to kill--"

"Five to three," she cut in, still swirling the skewer on her lips.

"What was that?" he asked, attention shifting from the swirling stick to her eyes.

"Our score. I'm catching up." Sakura stopped twirling, not really noticing his attention on the skewer. She started to chew instead. "And, thanks. For not actually stabbing me. We were just training anyway. Just as long as you know that I beat you fair and square."

"Maybe after a few more rounds, we'll be tied."

"And it felt good today. Releasing my Byakugou. I haven't done it in years."

Kakashi leaned back against his chair crossing his arms. "I'm sure it did. I haven't seen you like that in years either."

"Do you mean amazi-"

"Piercing eyes," Kakashi interrupted firmly.

Sakura stopped talking and looked at his with a bit of shock, the rumble of his voice transforming his words into something hypnotizing. "Green eyes that looked like they were ready to kill me at any moment. An unshakeable will to show what you could do."

Kakashi found himself once again getting lost in his words--unaffected by the normally existing boundaries. She kept listening.

"You were brilliant," He said softly, eyes smiling. Sakura's chest tightened involuntarily.

Why he said it, he wasn't too sure. He knew he meant it though, because it wouldn't have come out otherwise. He had been noticing how lovely she had become as of late--the more time they spent together. He told himself that it felt like she was his  _ partner _ , not in a romantic way of course, but in the way of mutual understanding. Both of them alone, seemingly left behind with time, unexposed to the new dangers of the outside world, and trying to rediscover themselves. As he had consistently been reminding her, they were no longer teacher and student, but equals. And he felt that the two of them would fight well together--had they ever encountered the need. There was a different kind of trust between them, multiplied both by the years but their shared experiences, and he felt no need to refrain himself when his intentions were strictly platonic. But he couldn't quite understand why he felt a strange sense of freedom and nervousness at the same time.

A moment of silence passed between them before Kakashi decided to add, "I've noticed that you look happier lately. The more we practice the happier you look." He smiled.

Sakura felt like she could reenter the conversation then, "Well, I do get to kick your ass here and there, so that helps."

"You do, and you won this one fair and square--even if I didn't stop myself you would have won."

"Which means that we should celebrate," she leaned forward and teasingly stated. "Dinner's on you."

"About that..." Kakashi hummed sheepishly, raising his arm to rub the back of his head.

"Don't you DARE!" Sakura yelled, but before she finished her sentence, Kakashi's figure disappeared behind a cloud of smoke, leaving her yet again with the entire bill.

* * *

 

As Sakura walked home from her dinner, she looked out into the setting sun and reflected on her day. She really did have a good time, and admittedly, she was a little bit tired from exerting a tiny bit of her chakra stores. But she certainly felt powerful. She could hear Kakashi's words in her mind--that she looked happier--and Sakura felt that she was.

Perhaps part of that happiness was due to realizing that  _ this _ was what she was meant to be doing-fighting, protecting the village--even if the last few missions didn't quite become anything groundbreaking (literally and figuratively). She was happy to be out on the field; she loved the wind whipping her cheeks and flowing through her hair. She liked the feeling of jumping branch to branch with agility. She liked being able to blend in seamlessly with her surroundings, knowing that danger was right around the corner with the smallest mistake. And most of all, she loved that she could pull it off.

But she knew that not  _ all _ of her happiness could be attributed to the journey. Some of it was simply companionship. Having a constant person to talk to. Feeling like she was part of a team. Sai was her leader, but once they returned to the village, he was off somewhere to report or be with his family. Understandably. And even on the field, Sai was always sort of calculated and removed. Unlike Kakashi, who would nod in her direction, or support her in a multitude of ways. There was an unspoken level of understanding between them-that they were in this re-discovery thing together. They were both finding themselves as shinobi again. But with that sense of re-discovery, it was also the feeling of having a companion that  _ knew _ you-sometimes better than yourself. Kakashi could always premeditate her moves on the field, and he would execute his support role flawlessly. She would do the same for him; it was that  _ little nod _ that said everything, and they could pull off anything.

His companionship did not end on the field either. They trained together often. They trained on the days when she didn't have to shadow Ino or Shizune, who were taking to role of co-interim Hospital Director in her absence. They especially trained when Sarada was gone, but when she was home, she would make it a point to spend some of their day together. Now, that was usually on the training field so that she could watch the spar. But during those sessions, it was clear that the support was there, even when they were battling each other. They respected each other. He said that they were equals now, and she  _ felt that _ . She didn't feel like he was her teacher trying to  _ show  _ her how to do things. They were, again, rediscovering themselves and their abilities--together. And although he stuck her with the bill, she was slightly annoyed, but she viewed the situation favorably. She knew he was playing around, and that meant their relationship was comfortable enough for him to do that. Thinking about the trick honestly made her smile.

Sakura felt warm under the sun, and as she reached her front door, she realized she was grateful for Kakashi's companionship. She  _ was  _ happier because he helped her realize that underneath all of her other roles, she was still a kunoichi.

When she entered her front door and closed it behind her, she kicked off her shoes lightly. The shoe tumbled over a larger purple sandal, causing her to pause in realization.

Sasuke was home, and suddenly all of her contentedness just seemed to drain away in an instant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I think this is the longest chapter I've written so far. I've never written a fight scene, so I hope it was okay.  
> First time for everything... Including writing in general! ^_^


	8. Short End of the Stick

"Sasuke's home," she spoke quietly to herself.

With a million thoughts racing through her mind, she walked slowly into her living room. She searched the room with her eyes, peered into the kitchen, and when she didn't see him there, she figured he must be upstairs in their room. She moved toward the staircase like a phantom-ghostlike. She didn't know why. Why was she so nervous to see her husband? Why did she suddenly feel like everything was going to change? As if the progress she made in the last few months would just disappear?

Sakura lifted her hand to clutch her chest. She took the first step onto the staircase. Her heart was twisting. _Second step._ It wasn't entirely out of pain. She knew that she should be happy to know that her husband was here, and she was happy. _Third step._ It was just that... when he came home, she couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense that he was going to leave again. _Fourth step._ And the temporary nature of his stay haunted her from the moment he made his presence known, until the moment he would announce his departure. _Fifth step._ It was like she couldn't allow herself to be happy because she knew she would just be disappointed again. _Sixth step._ And Sarada...? _Seventh step._ Would she have to see her daughter upset time and time again? _Eighth step._ When would it all stop? Would Sasuke ever really stay? Would he ever decide that it was time to be a husband? A father? _Ninth step_ . She wondered if it was fair to expect him to stay now-now that she was doing missions again herself. _Tenth step._ But would she have ever felt the need to go back to doing missions again if Sasuke had stayed home?

Her feet creeped slowly towards their bedroom door. She paused, still clutching her chest tightly, placing her other hand lightly on the doorknob. Her heart was knocking on her chest so strongly that it felt as though it could knock on the door for her.

 _Breathe_ , she said to herself. _Push_. The door opened.

"Sasuke-kun?" she called weakly. Hesitant. Unsure of herself.

She stood partially behind the door as she advanced to find her husband rolling over in bed, wearing a light sweater and lounging pants, to face her in her direction, beginning to prop himself up.

"Sakura," he said simply. He stared at her without much emotion registering on his face.

"Okaeri..." she replied, almost in a whisper. _Welcome home_.

Sasuke patted the bed beside him to motion her toward him. "Where have you been?" he asked calmly.

"I was training with Kakashi," she replied to him, staring at him with raised eyebrows, communicating a puzzled and surprised look.

"At this hour?" he asked.

"We went to eat afterward. We were hungry. How long have you been home?" All of Sakura's words had been slow and drawn out. Time did not seem to be moving regularly in front of her. The heaviness in her chest did not allow her to simply accept that her husband was now home. He had left so many times, and at this point, his return was just a reminder that he'd leave again soon.

"A few hours," he replied. Sasuke looked at her with no expression, but perhaps showing as quizzical a face as he could. "Training? Why?"

She didn't respond. She didn't know how to. She just stared at him with the same dumbfounded look because, after all these months, not once did she consider how she would tell Sasuke that she decided to go on missions again. She never considered that he might disapprove until now. She was afraid that he would, especially since she had felt so happy and free since she began to do them again.

"Sakura," he called with a hint of concern. He placed his hand on top of hers on the bed and slipped his fingers around her wrist. He leaned his head over her right shoulder and pulled her body toward him. She lifted her knees to allow the action, and she nuzzled herself in the nook of his neck, still silent. He kissed her cheek lightly once, lifted her chin up to face him, before kissing her cheek a few more times. He moved her hair out of her face and placed his head on her forehead, his warm breath passing over her lips.

Sakura looked into his eyes. Purple and black. She was entranced by the intensity of his gaze. And although she was caught off guard from his return, this was her husband after all. She did miss him. She missed his touch. She hadn't had him for months.

And it only took his breath and a few kisses to make her breath catch and stagger.

Sasuke heard this little breathy invitation and kissed her roughly before laying her down and moving beside her. He raised his arm as he continued to kiss her harder, placing his hand on her hip before slowly running it up her body to grasp her breast. Sakura gasped. He knew how she liked to be touched there; he kneaded her breast before pinching and rolling it. For a second, he ceased his motion, took her hand, and brought it down to touch him, indicating that he wanted her to start rubbing.

She grasped him tightly. He was growing hard, and with each downward motion, he seemed to be growing harder. Meanwhile, Sasuke continued to bite and nip at her neck, his hot breath sending jolts of desire down her spine. He released her chest and trailed his hand down to her pants. He unbuckled it and began to push both her pants and panties downward, exposing a bare hip.

"Touch yourself…" he let out in a low voice. Sakura abided to his command. She slowly allowed her free hand to slink down her stomach, slip under the elastic of her panties to remove them, and kicked off the remaining fabric. She reached up again and pushed her fingers into the deep of her own folds-just like she had not too long ago after reading Icha Icha

She closed her eyes and rolled her fingers in a circle while her hand danced up-and-down on Sasuke's length. _Icha Icha?_ she thought as her fingers swirled. She couldn't help it. In bringing up Icha Icha, her cheeks flushed, and she couldn't help but think of Kakashi by association. _What would Sasuke think if he knew?_ she thought. She imagined again, as Sasuke was sucking on her body, that she was Princess Ayame, and the man touching her was Takeshi. She wanted that kind of fire ignited within her--that sensation of danger and pure passion.

"Annhhh…" she let out as Sasuke slipped under her buttons, loosening her shirt, to reach her bra. He hastily dug his hand into her cup, squeezing hard before pushing it aside to clasp his mouth onto her breasts. And as she rubbed, her walls began to tighten and tremble, waiting for Sasuke to bring her to her peak.

Sasuke peered up from her chest, still licking and sucking her, enjoying the sounds escaping her lips. He released, "Sakura…" he called in a deep voice. A request. She knew it well. Without really asking, he was urging her to go down on him. This was something he needed, every time.

Sakura propped herself up on her arms, and Sasuke watched her with arousal and intrigue. She was beautiful; her hair was ruffled, and her shirt looked crumpled and ravaged, exposing a sexy bit of her chest. He watched her unbutton the rest of her top, allowing it to open in the front and slip down her arms, leaving only her disheveled bra on her body. She hovered directly above him, pulling down his pants to release him. She took his member in her hand, lowering her head slowly before allowing her tongue to swipe across the tip. She lightly allowed her lips to encase him, knowing he loved the feeling of her lips teasing him. She licked again before sucking the tip ever-so-softly. She heard him exhale in pleasure before taking him fully into her mouth, swirling her tongue over the underside of his shaft, and allowing him to hit the back of her throat. He could hear him letting out small mutterings of pleasure as she licked and sucked.

Sasuke reached down to her head to grasp her pink locks. He loved it when he felt Sakura's lips wrapping around him. He loved it even more when he felt her flick the bottom of his length with her tongue, caressing it softly, and applying just enough pressure for the top of her mouth to graze the tip. His hand massaged his way through her hair, grasping and pulling tightly as she sucked up and down. Letting out a shallow groan, he released her hair and dropped his hand to hold her chin tightly into place. She was doing it just the way he liked it, and he couldn't stop himself from moving his hips, lightly bobbing himself in and out of her warm, slippery mouth.

"Sak-ura…" he let out in a jagged growl. He dipped a finger into her mouth as he re-adjusted his grip on her mouth. He wanted to stop, flip her over and take her then, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Her mouth was just so fucking good, so soft.

Sakura did his bidding with fervor. It was a rare occasion for Sasuke to initiate, and--despite her unresolved turmoil--she wouldn't have had it in her to say no. And she wouldn't have wanted to. Her bodily pleasure was entirely something separate from her thoughts. For now, she just wanted to be taken away by Sasuke. She enjoyed doing this to him. Hearing his harder-than-usual breathing and the occasional low groan would kindle an intense fire in her belly, causing her to melt inside so that she would be ready to take him. But the longer and longer she went, the more impatient she would grow. This was typical behavior for him to let her continue until her jaw grew sore, until he was just about ready to-

"I…. need to…!" Sasuke suddenly spoke in a seemingly pained expression, holding himself back from the end. Sakura moved over to allow Sasuke to climb over her, spreading her legs as he fit himself between them. He held himself steady, positioning himself onto her entrance and hastily shoved himself inside her. She instinctively inhaled sharply as he slipped himself in, sliding her hands around his toned arms.

 _Finally_ , she thought, allowing herself to revel in the feeling of being filled.

Sasuke lowered his head into the nook of her neck, leaving little bites as he continued to thrust without any particular rhythm-something he would do when he was close to the edge.

"Can you… finish?" he asked though his grunts.

"Mhmm…" Sakura allowed, releasing her right hand from his arm and reaching down between them to the place where their bodies met. Her fingers lightly grazed her clit, carrying the wetness toward it, before beginning to swirl vigorously. With the mix of her own touch and Sasuke slipping in and out of her, she began to feel herself tighten around him. Each thrust carried with it a more intense tingling sensation as she went, and she knew we would be finishing soon. She was repeatedly held her breath, and allowed it to escape sharply, giving him small moans here and there. She was so close. She just needed a little more of him.

"I'm going to…." Sakura started, "Please, just… I need you inside."

But Sasuke, who was much too close to his orgasm had started to take himself out of her in an attempt to hold himself back. But with Sakura's needy words, he found himself unable to hold back any longer. "Sakura, I can't anymore…" and with that, he re-entered her with a new speed. Sensual, reaching deep inside her, but she knew that meant it was going to end.

 _Oh god_ , she thought. This is what she needed but she needed more of it. _Please… Not yet. I'm going to finish._ And so Sakura rubbed furiously to match his pace, begging her body for the release. And as Sasuke groaned loudly and began spilling inside her, the small twitches of his length, and the warm sensation filling her core was just the push she needed to cum. And she did, trembling violently around his member, and moaning loudly to match his passion.

Sasuke looked down at his orgasming wife, waiting for her to come down from her elated state. Her back was arched, neck thrown back, with her head pushing into the mattress. When her body movements calmed, he slowly slipped out of her, some of his mess dripping out as he removed himself. He quickly gave her a kiss on the lips, and pushed himself upward to clean himself in the bathroom.

Sakura lay on the bed, head tilted toward the bathroom, watching Sasuke's bare bottom illuminated in the light he turned on. He grabbed a towel and tossed it in her direction so that Sakura could clean up as well. Gripping the towel, she continued to watch as Sasuke retreated into the shower. And although she knew she should get up and do the same, she was both of two things: tired, still recovering from her release, and reminiscent. For some strange reason, she couldn't stop thinking about Icha Icha. It's not that she wasn't satisfied with the sex she was getting from her husband, but she wondered why he couldn't act more like Takeshi did toward Ayame. Dominating, but at the same time incredibly concerned with Ayame's pleasure. She wanted to feel that when they made love. She wanted Sasuke to pay more attention to her needs, and not just his. And she thought for a second that maybe he did, but she knew she was just tricking herself. Inwardly, although she knew he would have to settle for it, she knew that Sasuke wanted her to lick him for so long for _his pleasure_ , not paying any mind to her own. She knew that Sasuke tried to _give her_ time to finish _herself_ , but at the end, he couldn't because he succumbed to _his own pleasure_. And she knew he didn't do it purposefully, he had just always been this way. She knew he loved her in his own way, but she began to wonder if it was enough for her. Would it ever be enough, especially if he couldn't bring himself to stay? Was she compromising too many of her own needs?

And so again, she found herself pondering about her position in her life.

_Who am I right now? A wife serving her husband…?_

_But what about me…?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Unlike the other chapters, this title is more implied than it is directly stated in the story. This may not be the focus pairing that I promised in the description of the story, but I feel like I need to do some necessary set-up first. It'll come, eventually. Yay for characterization and understanding where Sakura is coming from (or trying to). I personally enjoy fanfictions with a lot more character development and emotional investment, so this is part of my attempt to get there! Sasuke isn't my favorite person to write for, but I have to for the sake of the story. As I mentioned in the past, I don't necessarily dislike Sasuke, and so his actions aren't necessarily intended. He's a character with a lot of baggage, and so that's why I put it in here that he does love her in his own way. Hope it's okay (and that it makes sense as to why I did this in a later chapter!) Cheers!


	9. The Mission

Sakura awoke to the sound of birds chirping and a warm, heavy arm, slung over her waist and a hand securely tucked under her waist. Sasuke was directly against her back, sleeping soundly and breathing onto the back of her neck. Sakura placed a hand on top of his, lacing her fingers between his. She scooted into him, closing the remaining space between them, and pulled his arm even tighter around herself. In this moment, she felt happy, as if this is the way life should be and had been, filled with love and feeling anything but loneliness. Sasuke, roused by her movements, tightened his hand around hers, burying his face into her hair, and embracing her tighter.

"Good morning," Sakura said softly. She wiggled in his grasp to make room for herself to turn around and face him. Sasuke looked at her, still sleepy, but growing more aware. She placed a hand on his cheek, brushing his hair back with her thumb, and then placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Morning," he replied groggily but with a straightforward tone. "I have to meet Naruto in his office today." Sasuke rolled onto his back with his eyes closed for a moment before exhaling sharply and sitting himself up.

Sakura regarded him with worry. "Are you leaving for another mission?" she asked quietly, hoping that he'd say no, and instantly feeling heavy in her chest. When Sasuke didn't answer and instead moved his glance towards the window, she decided to ask a different question. "Do you think you'll be leaving today?"

Sasuke turned his head to face her, tilting his head a little before replying, "No."

Sakura sighed in relief and rolled onto her back. Sasuke got up and retreated to the bathroom; he wanted to get ready for his day. Meanwhile, Sakura stared at the ceiling. She, Kakashi, and Sai had a meeting with Naruto as well. She had to be at the Hokage tower by 10 AM. It was currently 8:15.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura called out over the sound of running water, "What time is your meeting with Naruto?"

"9:15," he replied after splashing cold water on his face.

That was right before her meeting. She wondered if their meetings were connected somehow, given her appointment slot was right after Sasuke's. Sakura started to feel slightly panicked. 

Should she talk to him now or later? But she quickly decided to put those thoughts away-for now. If Sasuke was going to leave soon, she wanted to at least try to make it pleasant, even if her heart wouldn't easily allow it. Sakura swung her legs over the edge of the bed and walked into the bathroom to join her husband. She embraced him from behind for a moment, pressing her cheek against his back before sliding her arms over to the other side of him as she walked to reach for her own toothbrush. Sasuke peered at her through the mirror. She smiled back at him, tooth brush wiggling in hand.

* * *

 

As Sakura and Sasuke descended the stairs, they found their daughter sitting at the breakfast table smiling happily with a spread of plates, rice, miso soup, eggs, and diced tomatoes. "Papa!" Sarada said excitedly. "I knew you were home when I saw your shoes!"

Sasuke smirked, pulled a chair, and sat down in front of his daughter. "Is this for me?"

"Yup!" Sarada grinning wide, swinging a victorious arm in front of her. "Welcome home."

Sakura couldn't help but feel warm inside. Sarada loved her father and decided to wake up early to cook them a family breakfast. The thought made Sakura's eyes sting with a thin rim of tears. She blinked quickly to make them go away and took her seat beside Sarada.

"Sarada-chan," Sakura said in a cheery tone. "Thank you so much for breakfast." Sasuke nodded, and Sarada continued to grin as she grabbed her chopsticks.

"Itadakimasu!" Sarada clapped her hands together and dug in. Sasuke silently followed her lead. "So, papa..." she started in between chews. "What did you do on your mission?"

"Sarada," Sakura interrupted. "These missions are classified. You know that."

Sarada looked at her mother, acknowledged her statement and rectified the conversation, "Right. So then, how long will you be home?"

Sasuke closed his eyes for a moment and finished chewing rice before glancing up at his daughter, "I don't know."

Sarada's eyebrows curled upwards and remained silent for a moment, but knowing that she couldn't have expected more, she decided to continue the conversation. "I see..." she replied slowly and quietly. She gave herself another moment before speaking further, "Papa, did you know that mama is an awesome kunoichi?"

Nervousness struck Sakura, and she hesitantly chuckled and looked in the direction of her daughter. Sasuke looked at Sakura through his hair and replied, "I wouldn't have married her if she wasn't." For some reason, this both pleased and annoyed her, but she knew that he was attempting to compliment her.

"Well, I've been watching her on the training grounds for WEEKS now," Sarada emphasized. "She's AMAZING! I can't wait to get my own byakugou, papa. Could you imagine how strong I'll be some day with both the sharingan and the byakugou?" Sarada could hardly contain her excitement. She was wiggling in her seat with her eyes closed, clearly dreaming about her future self. And while Sakura nervously kept her eyes on her daughter, she could feel Sasuke staring at her from across the table.

"Your mom mentioned her training to me when she came home last night," Sasuke said. "I didn't know it had been that long, though." Sakura knew that statement was his request to fill him in on the situation.

Sarada, however, was completely oblivious to the personality quirks of her father, and continued anyway, "Well, yeah. Didn't mom tell you? She's going on missions again."

Sasuke's stare intensified; she noticed his eyebrow twitch. Sakura looked at him apprehensively, worried about what he was going to say next. "Missions," he said flatly, "No, I didn't know."

At that moment, a knock on the door came. Sakura couldn't have felt more relief as Sarada quickly kicked her chair back to run towards the door. When she opened it, a familiar silver-haired man waved at her. "Ohayou, Sarada-chan!"

"Kakashi-sama," Sarada said respectfully as she bowed. "Ohayou. I made breakfast. And Papa's home. Would you like to join us?" Sarada left the door open behind her and quickly ran back to the kitchen to grab a place setting for Kakashi. Kakashi looked down at the purple sandals, removed his own, and began his approach to the dining table. Not once, during this whole exchange, did Sakura and Sasuke break eye contact.

"Sasuke," Kakashi chirped with some enthusiasm. "Welcome back."

"Thanks," he returned, finally breaking eye contact from his wife to look at Kakashi who was pulling up a chair beside him.

"Kakashi-sensei, what brings you over?" Sakura asked cheerfully, though she very well knew the reason. He was here to come and get her for their meeting with Naruto.

As a more adept adult, Kakashi could almost taste the tension in the air. He noticed Sakura's hesitant demeanor and decided to tread carefully. Something was amiss here. "Heard Sarada-chan here made a great breakfast. Couldn't miss out. And I heard that Sasuke had returned."

Sakura relaxed in relief; if she could, she would have thanked Kakashi with a look, but she knew Sasuke would notice if she did. And as Kakashi said those words, Sarada returned with a small plate, bowl, and chopsticks set for Kakashi. She set it down and responded, "No way. Your nose can't be that good, Rokudaime."

Kakashi chuckled with his hands up and feigned defeat. "Pakkun told me," he lied. He didn't, of course, know that Sarada had prepared breakfast. He just said it to relieve the tension in the room. "By the way," he added, "Didn't I ask you to stop calling me that?" Sarada giggled and repeated that it was out of habit. Sakura chuckled, knowing that Sarada learned that response from her. Meanwhile, Sasuke sat observing the conversation. Bowing his head and grabbing his chopsticks, Kakashi recited thanks before deciding he could eat. He wouldn't though, not while Sarada was watching.

Just then, Sasuke stood up from his chair and pushed it inward.

"Are you leaving already, papa?" Sarada asked, her attention now diverted (and a sneaky Hokage scarfing his food in a second. Sakura watched and held in a giggle.)

"I have to go to the Hokage tower," he said as he placed a hand on top of her head. "Thank you for breakfast.

Sarada rose too in excitement. "Can I walk with you? I need to meet my team near there anyway." But then Sarada looked back at the table, realizing that she had to clean up, and slumped her shoulders.

Sakura smiled at her daughter, knowing how desperately she wanted to spend time with her father, and shooed her with her hand. "Go ahead," Sakura urged, "Kakashi and I will clean up."

Sarada smiled and jumped from leg to leg in excitement. "Thanks, mama. Kakashi-sama." Sasuke made eye contact with his wife before signaling Sarada to follow him. Sakura was simply relieved that they were leaving. She got up and followed them to the front door, Kakashi sending a wave in their direction, and watched them put on their sandals.

"Have a good day," Sakura said happily. She smiled at Sasuke, who gave her an unreadable glance, and then at Sarada who smiled back.

"Bye mama," she called back as she and her father went through the door. And when it clicked behind them, Sakura's shoulders slumped and she released the longest exhale of her life

"He doesn't know, does he?" Kakashi called out from the breakfast table, leaning back against his chair, and resting an arm over Sasuke's empty one.

"No," Sakura replied heavily, "Well... He sort of does now." She walked back to the kitchen table and leaned an arm on top of it as she faced him. He looked at her with interest in the topic. "Sarada mentioned it at breakfast."

"Ah," he said with amusement, "No wonder it was so tense in here. Bet he wanted to ask questions, but couldn't do it in front of Sarada."

"So you could feel it too?" she asked while pressing a hand against her forehead.

"You could cut the tension with a kunai," he replied jokingly.

"I'm glad my suffering brings you enjoyment," she retorted sarcastically, and a little irritated.

"Hey," he said softly as he stood up. He began to collect empty dishes. "You'll be fine."

"I just have a feeling that he's going to try to stop me," she said quietly, taking his cue to clean up.

"Then don't let him," he said simply with his intonation rising at the end, pausing for a moment and looking at her in the eye.

She stared back. How could he say it so simply, as if it were that easy? She tried to imagine the conversation that would ensue had she simply said  _ no _ to Sasuke. Sasuke was her husband, after all, and she knew that his reasons for making her stay would be legitimate--for Sarada's sake. But then she felt the inner anger that she knew she would feel the moment Sasuke tried to oppress her desires, and she started to wonder if he even had the right to tell her how to live her life when he couldn't live his in the favor of his family.

When Sakura didn't respond, and he saw her emotions rioting within her through her eyes, he knew he had to say more. "Sakura," he said, putting a dish down and placing his hand on her shoulder, "Do what's best for you for once.

Sakura looked at him with surprise, unconsciously tilting her head a little towards his hand. Her look morphed back into a subtle worry, "It's just that… I don't want her to resent me. I know I've said this before but I can't shake the feeling."

Kakashi moved his hand away from her shoulder and stuffed it into his pocket. "Do you really think she will? Don't you see how excited she is when she sees you fighting? For all you know, she's out there bragging to her friends about her fierce and independent mother. Has she said anything to you yet about the missions you've taken?"

Sakura thought back. "No," she replied. "Usually, when I get home, she's out on her own missions or training. And when I see her she just hugs me and everything is back to normal."

"See?" Kakashi said, as if all his thoughts on the matter were confirmed. And then he continued softly again, "Talk to Sarada if it's really bothering you, okay? I'm sure she'll understand." He smiled at her with his eyes, and Sakura felt a warmth in her chest. She had found in these past few months that Kakashi had a knack for endearingly irritating her-as good friends do-but also to comfort her when her bouts of insecurity came. And he was really good at it. She always felt better when Kakashi talked her through it because he always had sensible words of advice. He helped her approach each situation with clarity

"Thank you, Kakashi." And then Sakura smiled at him. She gave him the same smile that she had the night they walked home from the Uzumaki house, when she had been crying out of uncertainty yet found her resolve. Kakashi regarded her with a warm and welcoming gaze, and without precedent, Sakura suddenly found herself moving to embrace him. She slid her arms around him, locking her wrists together in place behind him, and leaned her head on his chest. 

Kakashi was not prepared for this contact, and looked down at the top of her head with surprise. He could smell a flowery fragrance exuding from her hair and could feel the softness; and although he already knew it, he acknowledged the difference between his frame and Sakura's smaller one. Sakura's eyes were closed but she was still smiling lightly. He hesitantly placed a hand on her shoulder blade, lightly returning the affection, wondering about the appropriateness of the situation. But then, he realized that sometimes he too seemed to cross the border of formality from time to time.

Sakura looked up, and smiled wider and said, "I don't know what I would do without your support Kakashi. You always make so much sense."

Under his mask, he found himself smirking. And he was thankful for the mask because he felt his cheeks grow a bit warm. Perhaps he was blushing from this unusual contact. He raised an arm and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well," he said shyly, "I would hope that I do."

"You do," she chirped before letting go. Then she stood in front of him still smiling. She didn't think about her actions. All she knew was that it felt right and that she was grateful. He was an important person to her. Surely some affection was okay between friends. She had hugged Naruto before too.

"Well, we have about 15 minutes," Kakashi noted, looking at the clock.

Sakura followed his gaze and perked up. "Let's finish up here," and then the two of them proceeded to take all of the dishes to the sink; Sakura filling the basin with warm water.

* * *

 

"Naruto," Sasuke said sternly as he entered Naruto's office, finding him buried behind stacks of paperwork and looking pensive.

He looked up at his friend with a serious expression; he had the intention to confront Sasuke before they spoke about the upcoming mission. "Sasuke," he replied in all seriousness, knowing that the conversation would be relatively unpleasant.

"Why is my wife being sent on missions?" Sasuke, who had gathered his information from Sarada, cut straight to the point. He sounded as impassive as ever, but with a slight twinge of irritation behind it.

Naruto did not intend to lie, but he wanted to lead into this conversation gradually. "We need more highly qualified jonin," he said. "Shikamaru and I discussed the need for more information gathering, the hiring of ninja for services, and the protection of the village."

"We have Anbu for most of those things," he said impatiently, eyes closed and with a closed fist.

"And she's happier doing it." Naruto rose from his chair then and moved around his desk to stand in front of Sasuke.

"She needs to be taking care of Sarada," he rebutted.

"And she is. When she's home," Naruto added. "And when she isn't Hinata and Himawari take care of her and check in on her often. Sarada is our family too. She always has been to us."

"It's not the same," he said, "a mother should be caring for her child."

"And what about the father?" Naruto asked plainly, implying the hypocrisy of the situation.

Sasuke clenched his fists tighter, "She has Sakura. I'm on a mission."

"I know. And it's an important one. I'm not saying you shouldn't be, but shouldn't you at least think about your family from time to time?"

"Personal feelings get in the way," he said, beginning to really lose his sense of calm.

"And that's why you don't see what you are doing to them," Naruto replied quietly. The two of them had never seen eye to eye on this matter. Sasuke insisted that he should be emotionally removed, whereas Naruto, throughout his entire ninja career, immersed himself fully into any situation he was in. He found success in that; perhaps that is why he was able to reach so many and become the Hokage. But Sasuke had never functioned in that way, and Naruto knew he couldn't change it. They were opposites, after all. Naruto continued, "Sakura is hurting. Your daughter is hurting. And even if they know your mission is important, it doesn't make it hurt less."

Sasuke didn't reply. He stood there with a straight face. Naruto crossed his arms and continued, "I put Sakura back on missions for Sakura's sake. And I'm not just sending her out there with anybody. I'm sending her out with the most capable team, the people who know her second-to-best, Kakashi-sensei and Sai."

When Naruto realized that Sasuke's continued silence was due to his unwillingness to have this conversation, he thought of Sakura and hoped that she would be able to manage her husband better. He figured, however, that he should spill the news before Sakura and Kakashi arrived. "I'm sending her on this next mission," Naruto admitted quietly. He watched Sasuke's jaw clench and his brows tighten.

* * *

 

Right on the dot, at 10 AM, Shikamaru knocked on the door, followed by Kakashi, Sakura, and Sai.

Sasuke moved behind the desk to lean against the window sill. He looked at his closely wife who approached the room apprehensively at first, and then relaxing as her teammates stood beside her.

"Well, isn't this a pleasant picture?" Shikamaru joked as he moved to stand beside Naruto's desk, referring to the complete team 7 in one room.

Naruto grinned as the team stood before him. "Kakashi-sensei, Sai, Sakura-chan."

"Yo," Kakashi said calmly, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"So, let's get started." Naruto's demeanor changed into a much more serious one. "Sasuke has been out on missions looking out for any trace of Kaguya's kind with his rinnegan. When he came back, he had picked up a trail at Artisan Village."

"I couldn't pinpoint it… but I know something is going on there," Sasuke cut in. "I stayed for a few days speaking to the tradesmen of the village. They informed me that a trade school had recently opened up, promising skill and increased riches for the craft. Ever since then, travelers have been showing up to enroll… said that people have started to go missing or act strangely, and I was sensing an ominous aura from the school building itself."

The team listened intently, Kakashi deciding to enter the conversation, "And you figured it was better to report back to Konoha to come up with contingency plan rather than to charge into the unknown."

"Exactly," said Shikamaru. "That's where I come in. Anything involving Kaguya's race is too dangerous to go in without a plan. Kaguya almost wiped out the entire human race, and we almost lost Naruto during the Chuunin exams."

Naruto began nodding with his eyes closed, looking deep in thought, as usual, when something challenging arose. "And that's where team 7 comes in. All of you."

Sasuke stared directly at Sakura after Naruto's comment before looking back at Naruto. She kept her face stoic, determined to ignore Sasuke's seeming disapproval.

"What do you need us to do?" she asked in a serious tone, attempting to portray to Sasuke that she was resolutely committed to serving her village.

"Well," Shikamaru cut in. "Sasuke can't return to the village for more intel. He's already made his rounds there, and it'll look suspicious if he shows up to ask more questions. And we can't just send a team over there for quick intel--they might miss something. This is an inside job. We need someone to go undercover and infiltrate the school--figure out who's running the show and what is  _ really _ going on over there."

"So, I'm assuming you want Sai to enroll, and Sakura and I will be his backup," Kakashi stated, having thought about the contingency plan given the circumstances. Sai, who was accustomed to taking any role that came his way, looked to Kakashi and back to Naruto for confirmation.

"No," Naruto said. Kakashi and Sakura looked surprised. Sasuke continued listening as he looked out the window. "Kakashi-sensei and Sakura-chan will infiltrate the school."

Sasuke lightly dropped a fist against the glass. Sakura looked, but he didn't move again after that. He continued to listen.

"Approximately how long will this mission last?" she asked, curious about the involvement of this mission.

_ "I n definite _ _,"_ Shikamaru emphasized while rubbing the back of his head. Finally, Sakura's eyes gave in and flashed a look of panic and confusion. Sasuke finally turned his head to look at her. "What a drag..." Shikamaru insisted before continuing. "Here are your roles: Kakashi and Sakura, the two of you will play the role of husband and wife."

"What?" Sakura interjected, shocked. Kakashi stood silent.

"The villagers will be much more inclined to trust you if you look like you're nesting. Your role is to blend in and adapt to the village life, attend the school, and gather information," Shikamaru replied, ignoring her look of bewilderment.

"And my role?" Sai asked, wondering how he would fit into the dynamic of this infiltration mission.

"Sakura and Kakashi will enroll in the school because this mission is about  _ building relationships _ with the villagers and instructors. You need charisma to do that. They will enroll as students interested in learning the trade of calligraphy and painting. Sai, you aren't a people-person, but you will be the mastermind behind their sudden artistic growth. We'll send you with plenty of canvas to work with, but you'll need to infuse some chakra with ink. It'll need to appear invisibly on the canvas until either Kakashi or Sakura activate it. We hope that this will get the attention of the school authorities." Shikamaru nodded in the direction of Sai, who understood his orders.

"And Sasuke," Naruto added. Sasuke looked ahead blankly. "You will be their contact. Your mission is to act as a point of contact between Konoha and the team while continuing your scouting duties. With Sai as their backup, you don't need to be there longer than necessary. You will check in once in awhile. We can't afford to have you stationary and not looking for more leads."

The group remained silent once Naruto concluded. "Report to Sasuke and do not act without communicating with Konoha first, got it?" Naruto asked. Kakashi, Sai, and Sakura nodded. "Good," he said in a serious manner, "You depart in a week."


	10. Flash Flood

Kakashi was strolling around the village with no particular goal. He just wanted to think. After he had left the Hokage Tower, he watched Sakura and Sasuke walk in the direction of their house in utter silence and what seemed like 6 feet of space between them. He couldn't help but wonder about the unpleasant night that awaited Sakura when they returned home. As he walked, he thought about the Sakura he had known for years. The Sakura who put on a facade of happiness, a facade that wasn't fooling anybody except-perhaps-herself. And then he thought about the Sakura who seemed to be at her emotional limits when she had come to seek him out “in her solitude,” and again, after they had left the Uzumaki house.  _ That _ Sakura, he remembered, always seemed like she was withholding the vigor he  _ used _ to see on the battlefield. She seemed especially reserved when she was around Sasuke, like she could never fully express how she felt or what she wanted to say out of a fear that Sasuke wouldn't approve or be seen as a bad wife. This was the same young girl who, at one point, was willing to drop everything for the sake of a rogue shinobi boy.

But then he thought of the look she gave him when she realized that she was still a kunoichi. That smile-the smile that was stained by tears but communicated a sense of warmth and gratitude to him. He thought of her transition since then-that moment of self-discovery. She began to blossom again, as if she were a barren tree bough for years, blooming again with the sweetest scent. She grew happier. She smiled more. She teased him more. She made him laugh.  _ She _ laughed. And she fought. Discovered her strength, scared the  _ shit _ out of him sometimes. On missions, she quickly re-adopted a leadership position, delegating, coming up with ideas, executing plans flawlessly. She was an excellent kunoichi.

But  _ today,  _ he realized.  _ Today _ she reverted back to the Sakura who seemed to shrink beside her husband, like a snail retracting its feelers out of the fear of harm. She was alert and instinctively on the defensive. She was worried again, about his perception of her, about his approval.  _ And he hated that he saw it _ .

And so when Naruto assigned her to this mission, and assigned her to this mission with him, he couldn't help but feel like it was a personal victory. Sasuke had had his way for long enough. Sakura wasn't Kakashi's responsibility by any means, but he cared about her, and he didn't want to see her like that anymore. She became something like a companion to him-the only other person he knew who was experiencing a similar kind of stagnancy. Her understood her. He wanted her to be happy. Was it selfish of him to feel that he could help her find it? Even if he knew that she would rightfully be thinking about her daughter at home?

Kakashi sighed then. He realized that, no matter the situation, Sakura was at odds with something.

Could he even do something about it? He didn't know, but he did know that he was going to try. He was going to help her feel like  _ this _ \--going on this mission--was the right decision for her happiness. Sakura needed to relearn how to love herself, and then, maybe she could return to her life here feeling renewed.

When he came to recognize his surroundings, he realized he was in front of the post office. Yes, he was going to  _ try _ , for her sake, and perhaps he recognized that this adventure was going to make him  _ somewhat  _ happy too. And so, he shook his wrist in his pocket, listening for the jingle of coins, and walked into the post office with a personal mission in mind.

* * *

 

“You're not going," Sasuke stated composedly after slamming the front door behind him, and kicking off his sandals.

The group had remained in Naruto's office discussing the mechanics of the trip. Sarada would take temporary residence in the Uzumaki house and Naruto would assign her village tasks to keep her mind occupied during Sakura's absence. Kakashi and Sakura were to pack a trolley of items, playing the role of moving travelers the moment they left the gates of Konoha. Living arrangements in Artisan Village were discussed as well. Throughout the meeting, Sasuke lingered by the window wordlessly. Even once Sakura and Sasuke had left together, he was silent. Until now. In the confines of their home.

Sasuke began to walk away from her towards the living room, and Sakura quickly removed her own sandals to follow him. Sakura felt she had to calculate her approach. She had been thinking about it during the entire walk home, knowing it was an inevitable conversation. "Why not?" she asked.

"It's dangerous," he answered, as if it were a sufficient response.

"I've been in much more dangerous situations, Sasuke," Sakura informed him.

"You haven't been  _ for years! _ " he emphasized

"So what are you saying, Sasuke? That I'm incapable? That I can't handle it?" Sakura asked loudly, letting her frustration free.

"Of course not, Sakura. I  _ know _ you're not a weak woman, it's just that I don't want you to be in danger! Is that so hard to understand? The thought of you facing something out there like Kaguya, even just a chance encounter-I just! ... You're not going."

"I can handle danger," she stated as a matter-of-fact.

"Yes, you can, but  _ anything _ can happen out of there, Sakura. Think of our family-our daughter." The frustration in his voice was evident; he was losing patience

Sakura scoffed and continued, "Look, I get it. You're worried about my safety, but my mission  _ isn't _ to charge into battle, Sasuke. It's to collect information-"

"And to pretend to be someone else's wife." Sasuke cut in. "You're placing yourself in danger  _ and _ publicly pretending to be married to Kakashi."

Sakura recalled the conversation she had with Kakashi when she left the Uzumaki home, "Sasuke, I'm a kunoichi. If the Hokage needs me, I must respond to the call. I pledged my life to this village-just like you did, just like Sarada. It's my duty. But my role on this mission is just an  _ act _ !"

"You're a mother now, not a kunoichi. Your job is to stay right here, at home, taking care of Sarada." Sasuke's anger was rising faster than usual. He had been holding it in during that entire meeting, and now, finally, he had the opportunity to let it out.

But Sakura was ready for that  _ very comment _ . "Why can't I be both? Aren't you a father and a shinobi at the same time?"

Sasuke's eyebrows furled in anger and his fists quickly tightened. Naruto had confronted him with the same argument, and clearly, it was a sore spot for him-an emotional trigger. " _ Yes, _ I am," he emphasized, "but I'm doing this to protect the village."

"AND SO AM I," She exclaimed. "And I love my daughter! With  _ all my heart _ , and I've  _ been  _ here. I always will be!"

"Sarada needs her mother," Sasuke asserted unabashedly.

"And  _ where _ does her father fit in to the picture, huh?" She asked, dangerously quiet, as if the roar of anger were going to burst out of her at any second. When Sasuke didn't answer her, she couldn't hold back. She had to let him have it. She began to raise her voice, "You hardly ever come home, Sasuke. And I get it, the mission is important, I know! I fucking know, okay? But you know what  _ you _ don't understand? I wake up every morning  _ alone _ . I watch my friends go home to their husbands  _ every day _ . I see them laughing with their families regularly. But what do I come home to every day? An empty house, Sasuke. My daughter is out doing genin missions, and I don't even know when the hell I'm going to see my husband again. And so what do I do? I go to sleep  _ alone _ . And I cry because I miss you, and I miss my child. And then the cycle starts over again in the morning." Suddenly, Sakura realized that tears had been rolling down her cheeks, and they wouldn't stop.

Sasuke stared at her expressionless. Was it going in one ear and out of the other? She didn't care at this point. It just felt too good to let it out.

"And you know what's worse?" she asked, not giving him time to react, "When you come home,  _ I still feel lonely _ . Because you hardly talk to me, you don't say a word, you're not intimate. You feel like you're still out there, not next to me!  _ And so I still feel like crying at night _ ! I NEED this, Sasuke. All of my team members are out doing something amazing, and I'm  _ just here _ , just like I always have been since we were kids. I'm DONE with feeling left behind!"

Sakura threw her hands up in the air in frustration before covering her eyes with her hands. Her heart was twisting, the memories of feeling inadequate rushed through her, taking residence in her heart and causing her inescapable pain. And the notion that she was also leaving her daughter made the feelings of sadness worse. It was like she couldn't win either way. She'd be bothered if she stayed home, and she'd be bothered if she left. Why couldn't she just ignore these feelings? Why couldn't she just  _ be happy _ ? The turmoil was just too much. She dropped down to her knees and started weeping, "I can't, Sasuke... I can't anymore."

"Sarada..." Sasuke spoke quietly, taking one shallow step forward.

For a moment, Sakura was confused by Sasuke’s response--and then it hit her. Sakura instantly felt a sharp stab through her chest, as if she hollow sadness wasn't enough. She dropped her hands, and turned her head behind her in surprise, feeling petrified.  _ Did she hear everything? _

Sarada was standing behind her in the doorway, peeking her head ever-so-slightly around the door frame. She was crying too, eyes wide, fingers trembling on the frame.

Sakura quickly stood to approach her, but before she could, Sarada turned and ran out of the front door, leaving it ajar behind her, the wind slowly shutting it afterwards. Sakura reached out toward the empty doorway, as if she were gearing up to call out to her daughter, but the words wouldn't come out. And so she turned back to Sasuke, hand now gripped tightly around the fabric over her breast. The feeling in her chest was taking over, spreading over her body, the sadness manifesting as a physical pain and tightness. It was hard to breathe. It was like the heaviness was tugging on her throat, forcing her towards uncontrollable sobbing--a flash flood of all the pent up sadness bursting over whatever inner dams she had held up for so long.

Sasuke focused on his wife, watching and understanding the first time the extent of his wife's pain. Her eyes communicated to him a level of sadness he had never seen in her. She was going to break down in front of him, harder than ever before. Finally, a look of worry and anguish registered on his face. He took a step forward, ready to receive her.

"Sas...suke..." she cried softly as her free hand reached toward him, trembling, tears overflowing like a faucet, drenching the fabric over her chest. The steps between them only amounted to about four paces, but the approach felt like miles. He was so far, and Sarada was farther. "Sasuke!" she pushed out of her throat again, looking at her husband, who she recognized was finally seeing her misery. He reached out and grabbed her hand, thrusting her forward toward him, and pulling her into a tight embrace.

She couldn't stop it anymore. She started wailing into his chest, her breathing labored and agonizing, chest threatening to tear apart from feeling so tight. His shirt was instantly saturated by her wet cheeks and flowing tears. She was soon hiccuping and fighting to inhale, her breath growing shallow, and her intake desperate. She grasped his shirt tightly as she cried loudly, unashamedly. She just could not hold in the pain any longer, and Sarada's tragic expression was the last straw.  _ Did she just lose her daughter? Did Sarada resent her for everything she said?  _ Her legs were giving in. If not for Sasuke's frame, she would have fallen.

Sasuke had to support her body. And although he didn't want Sakura to go on this mission, he was beginning to understand. This woman he loved, his wife--this was the pain Naruto was talking about. How long had she been holding this in? How did he not see this happening before? But Sakura had been good at hiding it--to an extent. He knew she'd been upset, but he didn't know that it was quite like this. And so he held her tightly, each hiccuped breath, and subsequent wail showering him in tears, going through his chest like a knife. "Sakura," he whispered. He picked up his wife, supporting her under her knees and behind her neck. She repositioned her face into his shoulder, crying still, fisting his shirt tighter. "I'm sorry," he admitted faintly. "I'm sorry..."

This admission almost renewed the strength of her tears. He kept repeating himself as he began to kiss her forehead, holding his wife intensely. But although her tears fell steadily, he felt the energy leaving her body. She was growing weak and exhausted from this kind of emotional exodus. He carried her slowly up the stairs and to their bedroom. "I'm sorry," he repeated, placing her onto the mattress, continuing to kiss her forehead and rock her body within him.

Sakura could no longer register her husband's actions. She was empty. Numb. The tears had drained every thought, every bit of energy out of her body. Her eyes were wide, stinging, cold, cheeks wet and stained by salt trails. 

But Sasuke was, for once, patient with his wife. Holding her, resting his cheek on top of her head, listening to her breathing until her the hiccups faded away and each breath slowly reverted to normal. He waited until the tears stopped flowing, until the woman in his arms fell asleep from utter emotional exhaustion. And once she had, he had slowly laid her down, covering her with a blanket, noticing for the first time the puffy eyes and sad expression that seemed to permanently dominate Sakura's resting countenance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: So, I had originally planned a longer and more intense fight between the two of them, but then the chapter sort of ended up writing itself. I did not plan Sakura's breakdown, it just happened. And Sasuke's reaction just happened too. And I'm okay with that. I guess I'll let the story unfold as it wants to. I had additional ideas, but I felt like it was appropriate to end it there and let the emotions resonate for a bit. My intuition is just leading the way! It wouldn't feel right to jump to a new, possibly lighter section, after that kind of heaviness, so here it is! Until next chapter!~


	11. Daybreak

When Sakura awoke the next morning, she felt the heaviness of her lids, and the residual dried tears near the edges. Blinking slowly and staring up at the ceiling, she reached up with her hands to wipe it all away. She felt Sasuke's weight on the bed beside her, and she thought about the night before, how Sasuke had cradled her as she cried, letting her fall asleep in his arms. She was still in her clothes from yesterday, but she was tucked securely under the sheets beside him. She wondered what had been going through Sasuke's mind at the time. Did he understand? Should they talk about it? But although she knew that what he did for her was sweet, it didn't change that he was partially the reason for her break down; she wasn't ready yet to speak to him about what had happened.

Sakura slowly peeled the covers off of her, careful to not disturb Sasuke, and made her way towards the bathroom, shedding her dirty clothes behind her as she went. Once she reached the mirror, she leaned her hands on the sink and stared at herself. Swollen eyelids. Her waterline with a tiny tint of red. A little bit of salt still on her cheeks. She sighed heavily, lifting a land to caress her eyelid.  _ Sarada _ , she thought. She wondered where her daughter had run off to, and if she had come home. She wasn't too worried about her safety as Sarada did have her strength and Konoha had been much safer since the war. But she knew that she had to talk to Sarada-immediately. She started to consider-again-if Sarada might be angry with her, the thought producing a slight sting in her eye. But she didn't want to cry again-not yet at least-and so she shook her head, rubbed her eyes to disperse the formed tears, and entered the shower.

Sasuke had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. And so when Sakura awoke and rose from the bed, he was attentive. He considered turning towards her to hold her again, but he wasn't sure if it was right. Maybe Sakura wouldn't have wanted it, and when she left the bed, he understood that he had made the right decision. She wanted space. And as she walked towards the bathroom, he watched her peel each of her clothes off and drop it on the floor behind her. She left the door open, and so he had a full view of her-bare, examining herself, sighing hugely, prodding at her eyelids, clearly reminiscent of the night before. As he watched her, he couldn't help but reminisce a little either.

_ I wake up every morning alone _ , she had said to him last night. He wondered if this is what she would do every morning when he was not here. Although he hadn't responded, or said much of anything after that, he realized then that he did understand. After Itachi had eliminated the Uchiha clan, and before he had decided to abandon Konoha, he would wake up every morning  _ alone _ . He would cook alone. He would sometimes think back to the days in which his family was living. And he remembered that he felt lonely. And that loneliness is what drove him to insatiable anger and a desire for revenge.

But Sakura wasn't like him. She had continued to stay in their home with their daughter for years. She didn't grow hateful. And she wasn't truly alone, just more alone than perhaps she would have liked. Sasuke couldn't help but compare circumstances. It wasn't the same, but yes, he did understand. And just because Sakura's situation wasn't  _ as extreme _ as his had been, that didn't mean she wasn't feeling intense emotions. For all these years, Sakura had always taken her feelings and made her intentions known; she wanted to be beside one person-him.

And then he remembered,  _ You feel like you're still out there, not next to me _ . Although the idea registered in his mind, he didn't quite know what to do with it-or about it for that matter. His wife and daughter would ask him about his departure every time, and every time, he could only respond with silence.  _ When was he leaving? _ Not sure.  _ When will you come back? _ He didn't know. But even though he was now beginning to see the problem, he knew he could not provide a solution-not the one that they were looking for, at least. Yes, he loved his daughter and his wife, but even if there hadn't been a potent threat out there, would he have it in him to stay? For the first time, triggered by the tears of the girls he loved most, he was reflecting on the matter with absolute honesty. He just couldn't see it. He couldn't see himself permanently staying at home, living a civilian life. He wasn't able to imagine himself at home, wasting away when he had one of the most valuable assets on the planet-his sharingan and the Uchiha name. And sure, he was happy when he was home to visit his family-he had a home waiting for him at a moment’s notice. But perhaps, the reason  _ why _ Sakura felt that he wasn't present despite his physical attendance  _ was, _ in fact,  _ because she was right. _ He needed and quite truthfully longed to be out there because  _ that was the only life he knew and craved for _ . A journey. Self-actualization. Getting stronger. Victory. And this was not to say that he didn't actually care about the welfare of the village and his family-he certainly did-but he knew that the call for action was the strongest. That was  _ who _ he was, who he always had been.

When he watched Sakura slip into the shower, her plea had entered his mind:  _ I'm just here, just like I always have been since we were kids. I'm DONE with feeling left behind _ . After much rumination on the matter, and realizing that he could not simply  _ stay  _ in Konoha, he understood that Sakura was living the life that he had secretly refused. And because he had come to that conclusion, he partially understood why she was so unhappy. She wanted him, but if she couldn't have him the way she wanted, then wasn't the next best thing adventure? This left him unsettled as the threat of Kaguya's race was still rampant, and his wife was to run straight into a potential danger zone. But he did recognize that his wife was strong, and that she had grown tremendously since they were kids. Despite that, he couldn't bring himself to fully allow this. Was it selfish of him? Perhaps. And that thought was not lost on him.

* * *

 

When Sakura emerged from the shower, Sasuke had rolled over and his back was facing the bathroom door. She decided not to interact with him because she was too concerned about Sarada. Sasuke would have to wait. And so she dried herself, put on fresh clothes, and made her way out of their bedroom door. Sarada's room was just beside hers. She stopped in front of the door, placed a hand on the knob, and turned slowly. And there she was. Sarada was lying in bed, like her father, facing away from the door.

She stepped in as slowly and as noiselessly as possible. Sarada, just like her own mother, had fallen asleep in her clothes from yesterday. Her glasses were still on, and worn crookedly due to the pressure of her head on the pillow. Sakura noticed the tear stains left on her daughters cheeks. She couldn't help but feel in awe of the girl in front of her. Sarada mirrored her parents in so many ways: the way that she slept, her unbridled emotions, her physical and mental strength. Sakura couldn't help but regard her child with so much love and tenderness. Although she was 13, this girl was indeed her baby and she always would be. Sakura reached a hand out, placed it on her daughter's head, and tucked her black tresses behind her ear. She decided then to lay in the bed beside her daughter and hold her, just like she had when Sarada was a small child. When would she see Sarada again? She wasn't sure. And she couldn't ignore that danger was certainly out there. Sasuke was right.  _ Anything _ could happen out there.

But Sarada roused at the movement on her bed and the embrace of her mom.

"Mama...?" she asked quietly as she came into awareness.

"Sarada," Sakura replied gently.

And then there was silence between them. All of the unresolved and unspoken words from the night before lingered in the air between them. Sakura felt it, but it was necessary to be here. Her daughter needed her, and in truth, Sakura needed her daughter in the midst of all this confusion. In all the years, if there was ever one thing that was certain, it was  _ this right here _ .

And suddenly, Sakura felt her daughter's frame grow tense, seeming to hold back her trembling, breathing held in. She heard the drop of tears make contact on the pillow.

Sakura held her daughter tighter, and pressed her cheek onto Sarada's head.

"Is it going to be a long mission this time?" Sarada asked faintly, attempting to sound emotionally unaffected, as if she wasn't crying.

"I think so," she replied regretfully. "I'm not sure when I'll be back."

Silence again. Sakura placed a hand on her daughter's forearm and began to caress it with her finger, attempting to comfort her.

"Is it... my fault?" The emotion was finally breaking through, voice wavering.

"Oh Sarada... what could possibly be your fault? Nothing is your fault." Sakura's eyes began to well up. She lifted her head in anticipation for a response.

"I heard you last night," Sarada replied weakly. "You said that you come home to an empty house because Papa and I are on missions."

Sakura shut her eyes tightly, regretting that she didn't have more discretion with Sasuke. "Sarada," she began, "That's not it. I'm so incredibly proud of you." Her daughter began quivering freely, realizing that she couldn't hide her emotions any longer. "You are the best of your Papa and I. Smart. Beautiful. You have the sharingan, and you have such strength." She kissed her on the top of her head. "I wouldn't ask you to stop  _ for anything _ . You are everything I wanted to be when I was your age, and I am so proud to watch you grow."

"I'll miss you," Sarada responded, not knowing how to take the compliments when the issue at hand was her mother's departure. She wiggled free of her mother's grasp and turned around to face her. She rested her head onto her mother's chest, the way that she would do so as a child, and placed her hand on her mother's stomach.

Sakura repositioned her head over Sarada's ear, still embracing her daughter. But she heard  _ it _ , the very thing she was afraid of: Sarada's heartbreak over being essentially parentless. It was killing her. The tears rolled down her cheeks, dropping from her chin onto Sarada.

"I'm sorry," Sakura said softly. She started to rub her daughter's back. "This is selfish of me. I'll stay..."

Sarada's head perked up suddenly to look at her mother's face. "No," she said, startled, her tears stopping. "I'll miss you so much but... I want you to go." She used her arms to prop herself up.

"I don't want you to be alone," Sakura added, "Look at how upset I've made you."

"No, mama," Sarada replied. "Do you remember that night we had dinner at Boruto's house?" Sakura nodded. "I remember what you said that night."

Sakura's head tilted in anticipation.

"You said that you didn't get to go on missions anymore, and that all of your teammates were out doing something awesome. I remember. You sounded sad, mama..." Sarada reached out to touch her mom's wrist. "And now, you have a chance to go out there again."

Newly formed tears dropped from Sakura's eyes.  _ When did my daughter become so mature? _

"I thought about it," she continued, "and I have so much fun while I'm out on missions. All I want to do is get stronger." Sarada stared at her mother's eyes. "And I thought about how I would feel if I had to stop... I'd be unhappy too," she concluded.

Sakura reached up to wipe her own tears, and then pulled her daughter back into an embrace.

"You're amazing, mama. I've seen you out there with Kakashi-sama. You're the best kunoichi I've ever seen. And I know Papa doesn't want you to go, but... maybe he's just forgotten that you're the best." Sarada then returned the embrace, "I want you to go and I want you to be happy. You'll be the best. Now  _ I  _ get to be proud because I have the coolest mom on the field."

Sakura didn't know how to respond. She was sad, amazed, and full of love all at the same time. She was so lucky to have a daughter like Sarada. She couldn't help but think about if she was doing the right thing, but here she was, receiving permission from the only person she needed it from.

"Thank you..." Sakura spoke softly and with intense gratitude. "I love you so much, Sarada."  Sakura's embrace tightened as she placed her hand on Sarada's head.

"I love you too, mama... now could you let go? You're crushing me..."

Sakura chuckled and released her daughter. "Why don't we go downstairs and have breakfast? And then we will go out today. I want to spend all of the time I have left here with you."

"Okay," she said enthusiastically. "But wait! Could you promise me one thing?"

"What's that?" Sakura asked curiously.

"When you get home, can you teach me how to get my own byakugou?"

Sakura laughed heartily, placed her hand on her daughter's head again and agreed. "Yes. We'll go over the basics. It'll take years, Sarada, but we'll start. I promise."

* * *

 

Feeling better about the events that took place, Sakura headed downstairs to prepare breakfast for her family. Sarada remained upstairs to groom herself before coming down, and giving Sakura time to do some of her daily errands. Sakura first picked up and disposed of any remaining litter from the tables and counters, and then she washed the dishes. Afterwards, she started boiling water and placed some bread into the oven, readying her ingredients for the morning's meal. As those things were warming up, she made her way out the front door to check the mail.

When she walked out, the sun was just slightly peeking out over the edge of the clouds. It was warm with just the right amount of breeze, the clouds moving swiftly, getting rid of the overcast sky, exposing more and more of the morning sun. It was going to be a good day, Sakura decided. She didn't want to cry anymore, she just wanted to move forward.

She walked towards her mailbox and peered in. There was only one letter today. Sakura reached in and pulled it out. It was a small flimsy envelope that seemed to jingle with coins. The front read: "Sakura-chan" with her address, but it did not include a return address nor a name. Curious, Sakura opened the envelope right then and there. She pulled out a small piece of paper that had been ripped off of the edge of a whole piece and some money.

_ Money?  _ Sakura thought.  _ Who would send this? _

She then looked at the ripped piece of paper which read in sloppy handwriting:  _ To celebrate your third victory. Dinner's on me. Sorry I ditched you. _

Sakura couldn't help but smile widely and let out an audible laugh.  _ Kakashi,  _ she thought. He didn't even have to leave a name. She knew it was him. And it was just like him to say something--or rather send something--that made her feel better. He always knew what to say and do. Smiling still, she re-read the small note her sent her, and then looked up again at the sky. The sun was fully visible now, and she could feel the heat on her skin. Even though she knew he was talking about their sparring session, she felt like she had a separate victory in her home. She was okay now, and she was ready--excited, even-to go on her mission.  _ Kakashi, _ she thought again. She was filled with gratitude--both from her daughter's acceptance and Kakashi's siliness.  _ Thank you _ , she thought to herself, hoping that her feelings would somehow reach him.

Yes, today was going to be a good day after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Lots of emotions in the last two chapters. I'm excited to start moving on to more positive interactions. In the meantime, I felt that this conversation between Sarada and Sakura was necessary. I also wanted to give some insight on Sasuke's character. Like I said, I don't dislike him. He has a lot of reasons for acting and feeling the way he does. I enjoy the reviews you all leave! It makes me excited to keep going. Thanks for the support and encouragement for a newbie writer!


	12. Kindling

"Kaka-shiiiiiiii..." Sakura droned, sighing sluggishly and drooping her shoulders.

The silver-haired man hummed in response, hands resting behind his head, elbows high in the air. He was walking in front of her as he had been for the past 6 hours. Sakura was lugging a wagon full of their effects behind her. They had packed plenty of civilian clothing, food and drink, blankets and pillows, and an assortment of Sai's canvases. Some of them were already painted and visible-to make it seem like they were artistically-inclined upon arrival. 

Essentially, they were trying to portray to the townsfolk that the two of them shared a life together and that they were moving. As such, they couldn't just rush their way into Takumi Village. They had to walk at a relatively normal pace, lugging their "life together" behind them. A trip to the River Country that would normally take a week would take them two and a half at this pace. In preparation for this, they had even packed a small tent. Too many nights would be spent outdoors, which was fine, but they figured if they were trying to look like ordinary people starting a life somewhere, they might as well try to look relatively normal-not like shinobi who were accustomed to sleeping in the woods.

They had been on the road for 10 days. Kakashi and Sakura had been taking turns to pull the cart. For the most part, the trip had happened in comfortable silence with spurts of conversation here and there. The most they had spoken was when they had left the gates of Konoha. Kakashi had witnessed Sakura trying to fight back tears as she waved goodbye to her daughter. Sasuke, of course, had been his typical detached self, likely under the desire to keep their personal problems private. He looked at Kakashi and plainly asked him to keep his wife safe, and that was that. He would meet them at Takumi Village, arriving with Sai as a late addition to the mission. 

This simple goodbye had irritated Sakura and Kakashi noticed. Once they were far enough from the gates, Kakashi had turned to her and asked her if she was alright. And at that time, they spoke about the fight between Sakura and Sasuke, how neither of them had addressed the topic since, and how she spent the rest of the week with Sarada. And although Sakura felt that she left her husband behind with unresolved tension, the conversation had concluded with a positive thought--Kakashi told her that he was glad that Sarada was supportive and that Sakura would surely make her proud.

But now, after a full day of lugging the cart like a mule, Sakura needed some distraction.

"Kakashi..." she repeated, whining louder, calling for him to give her the attention she was looking for. She knew he was ignoring her because they had made a stupid bet that morning. She had been complaining about the speed of their travels and discussing how it's much more entertaining to run at full speed on trees. Running through trees, she mused, forced her to concentrate on her balance at the very least. Kakashi had teased her for not being able to appreciate nature, and Sakura, who was naturally fiery and somewhat of a competitive type as of late, disagreed and bet that she could walk  _ all day  _ taking in nature, and that she didn't need his company to be entertained.

But alas,  _ he was right _ . She was bored out of her mind. She wanted to talk.

"Yes, Sakura?" he inquired cheerfully, which, she figured, was an attempt to get a rise out of her. Here he was, comfortably strolling along, gazing at the sky, and feeling the breeze, while Sakura pulled their belongings.

"You win," she groused in annoyance. "I'm bored."

Kakashi turned his head to look back at her, surely smirking under his mask. "And so what would you like me to do about it?" he asked playfully, feigning complete ignorance on the matter.

And she knew what he was doing. He wanted her to tell him that she enjoyed his company after all. It was enough that she had said  _ you win _ in the first place, but there was no way that she was going to let him get that kind of victory. Kakashi slowed his pace to walk in step beside her, grinning and keeping his eyes closed, yet tilting his head in her direction. "Sakura-chaaaan?" he sung melodically, awaiting his prized answer.

She huffed haughtily, snapping her head away from him and letting out a sassy  _ hmph!  _ Kakashi let out more sarcastic  _ hmms _ and whined playfully, pretending to be disappointed, "And here I thought that maybe you were looking for some company." He rubbed his chin over his mask, still smirking, and continued, "Well, I guess I'll just return to my spot  _ ahead  _ of you."

Although Sakura's eyes remained shut, and she pridefully kept her head turned away from him, she reached out and tugged on his navy blue long sleeve before he could march away. "You're so annoying," she grumbled, a small smile playing on her lips behind the facade of irritation. She pulled him back beside her and let go, finally turning to look at the grinning man beside her.

"I think that's why you enjoy my company," he joked, "even if you won't admit it."

Kakashi then stretched his arms out into the air, groaning in relief, and stopping as she moved forward.

"Well," he said. "Let's stop here and make camp."

Sakura looked behind her and raised an eyebrow, "Why? It's hardly past sunset. I can still go for another few hours."

"Because," Kakashi stated frankly, "You lost the bet. And for that, you'll need all the rest you can get. You're pulling the cart tomorrow too as payment."

"What!" Sakura yelled in surprise. She lifted a fist in the air, eyebrow twitching, but in truth, she didn't mind. It's not like it was tiresome-she was strong enough to do so. In reality, she was just delighted to be talking again, even if Kakashi was an aggravating man.

* * *

 

Sakura had just completed her task of setting of camp and building a fire while Kakashi had gone to the nearby river to catch some salmon. They had just passed the border from Fire Country to River Country, and so Kakashi had taken it upon himself to catch their dinner. When he returned he, deposited his flak jacket and crouched by the fire to begin cooking.

"How far is the river?" Sakura asked, placing a log on the ground to take a seat near Kakashi as he skewered a fish.

"Northwest. Maybe 5 minutes if you run," he replied.

"My favorite mode of transportation. Finally," Sakura dropped her head back to look up at the sky. It was getting dark, and she figured that she should bathe while she had the chance.

"Eat first, go after," Kakashi requested, almost as if he was reading her mind. He picked up a skewer, turned it, and then looked toward Sakura. "We're in River Country now. We should probably change into different clothes."

Although neither of them chose to wear their hitae-ate, they both donned their adventure gear. Kakashi was in his typical navy blue pants and long sleeve combo, wearing the newer dark olive flak jackets with the black waist band and red armband. Sakura had chosen to wear her old jonin uniform, the sleeveless red tunic with the black waistband, but instead of her of black shorts, she had opted to wear knee-length leggings.

"Hmm," she pondered with passive interest. "You're probably right."

"And," he emphasized, pausing before continuing, "We should probably talk. About our relationship."

Kakashi adjusted both skewers of fish above the fire before standing upright and then he walked toward Sakura. She looked up at him, seated from her log, and suddenly, Kakashi dropped to the left of her, the right side of his torso flush against her left arm. His left leg was bent and he rested an arm upon his; his other leg was stretched out in front between them. Sakura's body instantly tensed and she was about to ask him why he was seated so close to her when he suddenly slung a warm arm around her shoulders.

Sakura wasn't sure exactly what he was doing. They had a close relationship, but they had never been quite  _ this _ physically close--save for their sparring sessions. She couldn't help but feel her cheeks flare while her breath caught in her throat. "Kaka.." she started, but he cut her off.

"So,  _ wife, _ " he enunciated, moving his head closer to hers, lips near her ear. She could feel his warm breath spreading across her cheek, radiating down her neck. He was speaking powerfully, but there was a low reverberation quality to his voice that--for some reason--sent her into a strange unease. "How should we spend the night?" he asked smoothly, pushing his body towards her, causing her chest to tilt further to the right. She felt the bass of his voice collecting in her chest. In response, her eyes widened and her head tilted away from his, unintentionally bringing her chin closer to his mask. The tip of his nose grazed her earlobe lightly. She was holding her breath and she didn't know why. What was this?

And then, suddenly, he jerked his head back and chuckled. His eyes were closed as he let out his enjoyment, and he moved the arm that rested on his leg to pat her thigh. "Sakura-chan, you're so easy to rile up." He grinned behind his mask and Sakura's face turned a shade of red.

"Well, what the hell was that!" She was yelling at him more so in the form of a statement than a question. She crossed her arms gruffly and snapped her head away from him. The strange feeling in her stomach did not dissipate, but it instead morphed into a strange sense of light embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," Kakashi responded playfully, leaving his arm around her but creating a bit of distance between them. His arm slid across her shoulders as he moved, the warmth of his hand leaving her right shoulder cold as it retreated. "Honestly, Sakura-chan, you're fun to tease."

Sakura hastily turned toward him and shoved Kakashi's chest with her palms. He didn't budge and instead, slid his hand back onto her right shoulder, pulling himself closer again. "Hey," he said, continuing to chuckle casually, "I may have been joking, but we do need to convince others that we're married." He rubbed her shoulder as if he were attempting to comfort her out of her irritation.

"Well," Sakura replied in a teasing tone, "Looks like we're going to be successful in convincing others. I already can't stand you."

Kakashi let out another joking snicker again, "Okay, okay. I'll try to be less troublesome. If I can help it."

Sakura then relaxed under his arm, adjusting to the weight and warmth of his arm. They did have to convince others that they were married, and that meant that she'd have to get used to his touch--especially in public. It'd be wise to get used to the feeling of him now rather than to tense up in front of others.

"Have you thought of a story for us?" he asked, using his freehand to reach out for the skewers of fish on the fire and then hand one to Sakura.

"Mmm..." she let out as she considered. "Well, if we're playing new identities, I was thinking of going by the name Haruna."

Kakashi reached for the cooked fish by the fire as she spoke, handing one to her before responding. "Haruna?" He asked. "How did you decide on that name?"

Sakura laid the fish on her lap upon a cloth napkin and began to pick at it, steam rising from her meal. She lifted a finger and tapped her lips as they poked out. "I can't use Sakura. What if someone recognizes me from the war? There are only so many girls with pink hair--and medics at that."

Kakashi listened to her intently, holding his fish to let it cool before eating.

"And so I was thinking... I'm the wife of an Uchiha now. I haven't been referred to by 'Haruno' for some time. If I just change it to an ‘a,’ it's a new name."

"I like it," Kakashi said simply. He lowered his mask and then he took a bite of his dinner.

Despite Kakashi's physical proximity to her, she couldn't help but look up at him when he lowered his mask. After he bit, he tilted his head slightly in her direction to return the look, eyebrow raised. Sakura instantly turned pink and looked away.

"What about you?" she asked, attempting to divert her attention elsewhere. "Have you thought of a name?"

He continued to look at her for a moment before looking away again to take another bite. "I want to to be simple, an easy transition," he said in between chews. "I was thinking of just changing some letters."

Sakura giggled before popping a piece of fish in her mouth, "Of course. Don't want to try too hard, right?"

Kakashi smirked slightly and agreed, "I could use that time to read." He shrugged.

At the mention of reading, she  _ knew _ he was referring to Icha Icha. She instantly scoffed, "Did you bring those books?"

He simply raised an eyebrow in her direction, suggesting that she should know the answer. "I don't know why I asked..." she sighed.

"Have you finished the series?" 

"No!" Sakura protested the thought, even though she  _ did _ sort of want to know how it ended. "I wouldn't dare after you  _ embarrassed me _ at Naruto's house!" She used her shoulder to shove him again. Again, he didn't budge. She looked up at his face with a furrowed brow, pretending to be upset.

Kakashi laughed softly, chewing a new piece of fish, and then swallowed. Although she was looking at his face, Sakura saw the defined muscles of his neck move as he ate. "Well," he continued, "if you get bored again, I'll let you borrow them."

"No way," she stated firmly.

"Who knows," he shrugged, "Maybe you'll pick up some tips on how to be romantic."

Suddenly Sakura's cheeks blazed red, warmth spreading to her cheeks. She wasn't sure if she was truly blushing or if she was upset. "I know how to be romantic!" Sakura squawked, tilting her body away from Kakashi, forcing a few inches of space between them. Kakashi's arm slid past her neck again and he decided to remove it, placing his arm back onto his leg. Her shoulders instantly felt the breeze, and although she would never admit it-even to herself-her body missed the warmth.

The corner of Kakashi's lip curled into a crooked smirk. He looked ahead of him into the fire, letting out a tiny exhale of a scoff, and then threw his empty skewer into the flames. He turned his head to look at her with that same sly smirk, as if he had some witty reply to Sakura's outburst, but he effectively held it in behind his smooth expression. He raised the arm rested on his bended knee and rested his temple on the back of his palm.

"Okay, tell me," Kakashi requested, partially teasing her but also partially serious, "What did our amorous and charming Sakura act like during her romantic days?" His eyebrow perked up in interest.

Sakura instantly started stuttering. "I-...Sasuke...we just..." Suddenly she was frustrated and glared at her partner.

Sakura stared at his relaxed expression, getting slightly irritated by his slick smirk and his cool demeanor; she felt like he was trying to indicate her that he knew more about romance than she did. "How about this," he revised. "Tell me about your first date with Sasuke."

"That's none of your business," Sakura huffed.

"That may be true," Kakashi hummed, lowering his chin, but still looking at his partner. "But right now, you and I are supposed to be married. And from the looks of it, you'd be very uncomfortable with any public affection, so I'd like to know what  _ romantic _ means to you."

Sakura looked away from Kakashi and into the fire as she considered his words. They  _ did _ have to pull this off somehow, and pulling this off  _ would _ mean more than simply living together and standing beside each other. They had to convince people that they were in love in order to earn the trust of the villagers. People would ask them questions and would see them interact. She had to be prepared. But when she considered Kakashi's question, she asked herself if she  _ really _ knew what it meant to be romantic. 

Suddenly, her mood seemed to change. She didn't feel quite so playful anymore as she replayed her  _ dating life  _ with Sasuke. When they traveled together, Sasuke was distant at first. As usual, it was Sakura who had to make the first moves. She would sit closer to him. She would pretend to be cold. She was even the one who held his hand first. And Sakura knew that, slowly, Sasuke began to accept her when he didn't protest- and especially when he closed his hand around hers the first time. Sakura blushed at this thought; she remembered the giddiness she felt when he started to return any semblance of affection. And the first time they kissed-well... Sasuke had ultimately allowed himself to stay inexperienced, until  _ she _ made the move. They made love that same night, both losing their innocence to one another. They were taken away by the physical feelings and the closeness of each other's bodies. Sasuke held her at night after that, initiating frequently after his first dose of a woman's touch.

But... they didn't _really_ _date_. Not like a normal couple. And although these little moments were in fact tremendous by Sasuke's standards--and especially anyone that _knew_ Sasuke, she considered for the first time that maybe she loved those moments so much because _he let her in_. A normally closed-off Sasuke allowed _her_ of all people into his life, to share intimate moments with.

Sakura gave out a long exhale before looked back at Kakashi, who seemed to have stayed in place the entire time she was thinking about Sasuke. The sun had set completely now, and Kakashi's face was only illuminated by the flicker of the fire beside them. Although he had finished eating, he hadn't replaced his mask, which was pulled comfortably across the tip of his chin. His smirk had faded in watching her. Now, he looked like he was wondering just what exactly Sakura was thinking about, waiting for her to respond.

"You're right," Sakura admitted quietly, looking back at her partner, half expecting him to smile again in victory. "I don't know what it means to be romantic." When Kakashi didn't react to her words the way she expected, she started to hold her breath. Kakashi's stillness and the way that he was looking at her made her nervous. She didn't know why. "But what do you know," she said, attempting to break the still moment between them, "You haven't been with anyone to my knowledge."

Without moving, Kakashi's lips curled back into a half-smirk. Still resting on the back of his palm, his eyes hinted a sense of playfulness again, "Not to your knowledge," he echoed slyly. Sakura couldn't help but blush heavily, but it was shielded by the dark of the night, the only color playing on their skin was the orange of the flame. "But I've definitely  _ been with _ some women," he emphasized, insinuating something naughtier, keeping his voice low. The feeling in her stomach returned. She couldn't pinpoint it, but for some reason, Kakashi's low yet strong voice, paired with his unmasked face lit by the fire, was causing a physical reaction in her stomach. Each word seemed to pass within her, like the sound of a smooth orchestra moving through her body. She tensed.

Again, she had to break this alien feeling within her, " _ Being with _ some women doesn't mean you know a thing about romance." She tried to bring her playful tone back, but she had ultimately failed in doing so.

Kakashi's smirk turned into a wider smile. He lifted his head off of his hand, and began to lean in her direction again. Sakura tilted her body in the opposite direction, repelling herself away from him in anticipation of what he was going to say or do. Her heart was racing. She was so nervous. As Kakashi moved, he pressed his chest against her shoulder and moved his hand onto the top of her forearm. "Sakura-chan..." he said seductively, slowly, eyes low and hooded as he looked at her, his face slowly getting closer and closer to her. Sakura held her breath. She looked at him, eyes wide, color rushing to her cheeks, setting her entire body aflame. His palm rested on the top of her forearm and he gradually let it glide down her arm-setting her skin on fire, tingling-and as he shortened the distance between his hand and hers, the distance between their faces disappeared. Just as his warm hand slid on top of hers, and he coiled his fingers between hers, his face was a mere centimeters away from hers. She knew she should have snapped her hand back, but she couldn't move. She was frozen in place. She must have looked like a deer in headlights as she looked up at him. Kakashi's hooded and dark eyes looked directly into hers, refusing to break contact, ordering her attention onto his eyes, smirk still plastered across his bare mouth.

_ What was he doing to her? _

Kakashi's nose was about to graze hers. She could feel his breath playing on her lips despite the fact that she was completely unable to release the air in her lungs. He was fixated on her eyes, and her eyes were fixated on him. Finally, Kakashi broke the silence, continuing in the same, deep, low, reverberating tone: " _ How do you think I got those women in my bed? _ "

She gasped, her little intake of breath revealing a tremble. But Kakashi didn't let up. She thought she was going to faint. 

"So,  _ wife..."  _ he repeated, in the same manner as he had earlier that day, but she didn't notice. She was too shocked by the events that were taking place. He then nudged his nose onto hers and placing his forehead over hers.

Sakura began to panic, but she still couldn't bring herself to move.  _ What was he doing? What he going to kiss her? What was this? _ Sakura’s body had never felt this kind of intensity before--her whole body was on fire and it petrified her. 

"Why don't you let me  _ show you _ what real romance is like..." Kakashi used his other hand to place it on her chin, tilting her chin upwards towards him. 

His lips  _ almost  _ brushed hers, eyes drooping lower, before he suddenly smiled widely and quietly gave her the following instructions: "Breathe..."

Sakura finally exhaled and shoved his chest away from her, actually putting a little bit of chakra into it for once. 

Kakashi's body moved in the opposite direction, tipping a little bit before rebalancing himself. He chuckled and put his hands up in front of him, "Sakura, it's just too easy. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" 

He was laughing then, a genuine laugh that any one rarely heard from the silver-haired man. He was always just  _ so cool _ .

Bewildered, Sakura didn't know how to respond. Her heart was still racing and her cheeks were definitely still warm. "What the hell was that!" she repeated, in the same manner that she had earlier, but with a lot more fury.

"I couldn't help it," he replied, amused by the situation, bringing the mood back to a lighter place. "You're just too cute, Sakura."

This served to irritate Sakura further. Not only was he teasing her for being romantically inexperienced, but he was  _ toying _ with her intentionally.

"I'm married," Sakura stated matter-of-factly. "You can't just  _ almost _ kiss me."

"I know," Kakashi acknowledged, "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have anyway. Unless the mission called for it."

She didn't reply. She just stared at him, calming herself as the word "mission" swirled in her head, as if it were a magic eraser. But although her irritation seemed to fade away, the image of his eyes and the heat of his breath didn't. She wondered for a moment  _ how  _ Kakashi appealed to other women.  _ Did he do it just like that? _ He managed to leave her breathless despite the fact that he was joking around. She wondered if the experience would have been amplified if he were serious. For the first time, she realized that there was a side to Kakashi that she didn't know.

"I'll behave," Kakashi stated, attempting to further quell her irritation.

Sakura smirked, "You better. Besides,  _ that _ wasn't even romance. It was seduction."

"Sakura-chan," Kakashi joked, "Are you saying that you were seduced?"

She instantly swatted her shoulder and furrowed her brow, "No!"

He laughed again in response and then added, "I won't do it again, but..." he paused. She looked at him curiously, wondering what would come next. "I think, if you've never experienced a  _ real _ date before, I'd like to at least give you some of those experiences."

"Kakashi," she began to protest.

"In our roles, I mean. If we're going to pretend to be husband and wife, we should be going out together."

She considered this for a moment. "Fine," she concluded, "but no funny business."

He waved his hand, conceding, "Nothing beyond the ordinary public affection, I promise."

"Good."

"It's a date then," Kakashi said smiling. Sakura couldn't help but blush a little.

Changing the subject, she realized he hadn't answered her questions from earlier, "Kakashi, you never told me what name you chose."

"Hmm," he mused, finally looking away from her and back into the fire. "I'm going to choose Takashi."

Sakura laughed, "That's such a simple switch..."

"But it  _ is _ a new name.”

"Hey," she remembered as she started giggling. "Isn't the love interest in  _ Icha Icha _ named Takeshi?"

"Ehhh," he paused, "Yeah. You remembered." Kakashi lifted his arm and started sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.

"Perv," she scoffed.

He shrugged in response and the two of them sat in a silence, watching the fire crackle and pop before them. She wondered what exactly Kakashi meant by  _ giving her _ some new experiences, especially in regards to dates. She knew that they'd have to be seen in public, and she knew they'd have to act romantically while they were out. But she considered again the feelings that went through her when he was a mere millimeter from her mouth.  _ What was that _ ? She wondered. And she wondered if she would feel it again in the future. 

But although she was asking herself about the emotion, she knew that this feeling wasn't  _ new _ to her. She had many times before, sitting by the fireside with Sasuke those many years ago. She felt a stronger yearning in her chest back then, and the feelings pooling in her stomach were stronger beside Sasuke at the time. Sasuke, however, had never really initiated any moves; it was always her own strong desire for him. 

But this revelation made her a little nervous. She couldn't quite comprehend it, but with a few movements and words, Kakashi had managed to ignite those long-gone alien feelings that she once experienced  _ for _ her husband and it frightened her. Even if the intensity wasn't nearly as strong as it had been for Sasuke, she was afraid that it would develop. 

And she was afraid because it came from  _ Kakashi _ , her partner, her ex-sensei. Not Sasuke. But she was even more afraid because, despite all of those things, she realized that the kindling of that fire was not  _ just _ Kakashi's deep voice and heavy lidded eyes, but it was that he- _ this exact interaction- _ was forbidden: she was married, he was older, and he was her ex-sensei. She couldn't shake the small feeling of excitement that crossed her when thinking about the future of this mission.

She tilted her head away from the fire to give Kakashi a sidelong glance.

And this time, he didn't have to say anything. She didn't have to hear his voice. The many considerations swirling in her mind mixed with the handsome profile of her unmasked partner illuminated by the light emanating from the dying campfire was enough to kindle  _ yet again _ the internal fire growing deep within her.

But as quickly as she acknowledged it, she shook her head and forced herself to dispel the thought.

_ I'm married.  _ She repeated to herself.  _ I'm married. I'm married! Sasuke is my husband. _

But each time she considered Sasuke's name in repetition, she couldn't help but allow the bitterness to creep into her heart for  _ allowing _ her to leave Konoha the way she did: upset with him for making her cry, upset with him for his constant absence, and upset with him for  _ rarely ever initiating anything _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Sorry for the wait. Super long chapter. It's the longest yet, but I'm not 100% satisfied with how things happened; I might go back and change it in the future. Who knows? But a little bit of a tease happening here. I actually just planned for him to talk to her about romance and how their acting would play out, but it turned out into a quick teasing session and a metaphoric parallel development of the physical outside fire and the sudden growing attraction to Kakashi. And so it begins!


	13. Under the Cover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N 1: Despite the title, this chapter is not rated M! It's more of a metaphor. See if you can find all the different kinds of "covers" both being placed and being removed. ^_^
> 
> Original A/N 2: Oh, I got a comment/review asking about Sasuke's perspective. Was he bothered that Sakura was getting closer to Kakashi? I guess that depends on the circumstance. Do you mean in general? Because, no. I think that, in this world, his desire to keep her home and safe overpowered any concerns about Kakashi. I mean, the two of them had been in the same village for years, working on the same team. I would imagine that, given Sasuke's general difficulty with relationships, he wouldn't see Kakashi as a threat since nothing has happened between Sakura and Kakashi before. Unless you meant in the last chapter, to which my response is: Sasuke wasn't there, so he didn't see anything happen between Kakashi and Sakura. He's going to meet them in Takumi Village later.
> 
> Original A/N 3: Why did I create a story in which infidelity seems inevitable? Well, honestly, I adore Sarada. I wouldn't write her out of the Naruto Universe for anything-I'm sure Sakura, in any universe, would feel the same. Sorry if adultery makes you uncomfortable; I would just rather approach this story with the set-up for breaking away/divorcing from Sasuke rather than pretending that the clean break already happened. I like fan fictions that are somewhat based on the foundations of the actual published storyline, because then it's somewhat realistic, and not absolutely implausible for these things to happen. AUs aren't really my thing. Although I love seeing a lot of readers, I would recommend that one discontinue following this story if adultery really upsets them.

Within the tent, Kakashi felt Sakura stir underneath the sheets behind him. A couple of minutes before she woke, she would always start tossing and turning, pulling the blankets and rolling it under her as she moved, leaving Kakashi partially exposed to the air. Additionally, she would end up tucking all of that extra blanket between her legs. They had only been on this mission for 11 days, and already he was starting to pick up on Sakura's little habits. Her breathing would even out and grow quieter; although she didn't snore, she would sometimes breathe heavily when she slept, especially after a long day. Even funnier, occasionally she would inhale a little too rapidly, causing a tiny quick singular snort-waking herself a little-and then fall asleep again.

Admittedly, Kakashi didn't know if it was the most hilarious thing in the world or the most adorable. There was something endearing about all of Sakura's quirks. For all of Sakura's talk and sass, she was still-besides her monstrous strength-a relatively normal person. It wasn't something he was used to-learning to adapt to someone else's ways-but he already considered it as somewhat of an enjoyable challenge.

He was waiting to use the snorting bit against her at some point. He couldn't wait to see her turn beet red once he revealed that he knew about her snorting tendency.

The blanket issue, however, was something he stopped trying to rectify after the third night. No matter how many times he brought it up, he realized she didn't know how to stop stealing the blanket. She would justify it every time with being used to sleeping alone and never needing to worry about another body. And although Kakashi pretended to agree-given that he too sleeps alone-he secretly would ask himself why she had to move around so much. But somewhere around night 5, Sakura's nightly shifting had an interesting development: her back would sometimes rest against his. At first, it would only happen briefly, and when she would stir and gain quick consciousness, she would scoot a little to create distance. As the days passed, she seemed to do so more frequently, unconsciously-now was one of those moments. Sakura's back was hunched over as she lay on her side, pressed closely against his back. He didn't think much of it-she was warm and he assumed that it was comfortable for both of them in the cold of the night. Clearly, it meant she felt safe enough to fall into a deeper slumber-thanks to Pakkun, who had to be bribed to keep nightly watches for the sake of appearances-but it also meant that she was absolutely comfortable with  _ him _ . That notion was not lost on him.

As Sakura began to stir beside him, back wriggling against his, her face rustling the pillowcase as she nuzzled her head into the fluff, he smiled a little yet kept his eyes closed.

She rolled onto her back, pushing him over just a little bit, and opened her eyes. He felt her stretch her legs out before sitting up silently. He knew she was observing the scene-her back had been upon his, the entire blanket was removed from his body and tangled completely around hers. She sighed a little, which he deciphered as self-annoyance, and then heard her lift herself and shuffle out of the sheets.

She feathered and fluffed the blanket over him, pulling it lightly over his shoulder and into the crook of his neck, ensuring that it was indeed covering all of his body. He then heard her reach into her pack to grab what sounded like clothes and toiletries before she exited the tent quietly.

"Pakkun," she cooed quietly.

Kakashi heard the pitter-patter of small paws approaching her outside of the tent.

"Well, good morning sleeping beauty," he said sarcastically. "I hope you had a great night."

"Yes, yes. Thank you, Pakkun, really," she began tirelessly. "I'm going to take a quick bath, okay? Just keep an eye out for Kakashi, and as soon as I get back, you can go, alright?"

Kakashi heard Pakkun grumble in approval and mutter something about extra biscuits as Sakura's footsteps drew further away.

When she was gone, he heard Pakkun's paws pass by his head just outside the tent.

"I know you're awake," his furry companion said with slight annoyance, following by the snort of a scrunched up nose.

"Not yet," Kakashi murmured playfully, pretending to sound extra sleepy. He lifted the blanket up further with his shoulders, nuzzling his face into it the way Sakura had with her pillow. It sort of smelled like her. No, it definitely did. And he couldn't help but feel a little bit of warmth, not only from being within a blanket for once, but because Sakura had taken it upon herself to cover him in his "sleep" and instructed Pakkun to guard him in her absence.

_ She really is adorable sometimes _ , he decided, smirking lightly, before allowing himself to slip into a short nap.

* * *

 

A naked Sakura tentatively dipped a toe into the river-covering her chest with her hands--to test the water for its warmth. Ice cold, even on this warm morning. She figured that she would have to make this quick; a slow entrance would cause her absolute agony and so she hastily jumped straight in. Teeth immediately chattering, she hastily grabbed her shampoo, squeezed the contents into her palm, and lathered it into her scalp. Her skin seemed to quickly adjust to the cold. She dipped her head back into the lake, suds floating away as she ran her fingers through her pink hair.

She thought of being warm while in the cold water-thoughts trailing back to the feeling radiating from Kakashi against her back. As she reached for the wash cloth and rubbed it against her bar of soap, she considered the  _ closeness _ of the situation. They had agreed to sleep in the tent for appearances-as normal people don't just carry sleeping bags around-and the tent was quite small. They had to be close, but they didn't have to be  _ touching _ . But despite that bit of information, she sort of liked the company. He was warm-even if she stole all of the blankets and didn't need any additional heat.

As she dragged the wet wash cloth across her arms, she thought back to the previous night-his hand sliding down her arm, fingers intertwined, the fire, his eyes, his breath, the feeling in her chest. She recognized the danger in those thoughts-that she was thinking, even just a little bit, about another man. Not Sasuke. And not just any man, but Kakashi. But the thought of his words, reignited the burning in her belly:  _ How do you think I got those women in my bed? _

Her cheeks instantly flared--in fact, Sakura was no longer conscious about the freezing water surrounding her.

Although Kakashi had managed to--quite honestly--seduce her through his playfulness, Sakura's fiery nature wouldn't allow Kakashi the victory. He was looking at her as if she were a naive, inexperienced girl. She thought of it now as a challenge. She would get him back for last night, and oh, would he pay for it.

Of course, she didn't know how she would do it-not yet at least. Because, although she felt challenged, she wouldn't allow herself to admit  _ again _ that he wasn't wrong. She'd figure it out though. And she was just about to contrive a plan when she felt faint chakra signatures--weaker signatures, probably at the skill of chuunins-approaching her. She dipped in the water one more time before exiting the river to put on as much clothing as she could before they arrived.

* * *

 

"Kakashi," Pakkun barked, alerted.

"Mmm..." he responded weakly.

"I know you sense the chakra..." Pakkun stated dully, as if it was redundant to mention it.

"Mmm..." he repeated.

"There are two men with Sakura-chan. I can smell them," he said hesitantly, as if Kakashi should do something about it.

Kakashi sighed heavily, sitting up in their sheets and pushing the flaps to their tent aside to climb out. He stood up straight and stretched his arms wide before responding: "Yeah, I can sense them. They're weak though. For all I know, Sakura is carrying them over here on her shoulders."

Pakkun sniffed the air, "Well, Sakura doesn't seem to be alarmed."

"Hide," Kakashi instructed. He kicked dirt over their old fire pit, and shoved his hands into his pocket--waiting. Pakkun ran into the tent and under the sheets.

Soon, Sakura emerged from the trees wearing only her leggings and a bra, with two men behind her. Both of them were grinning mischievously; one held Sakura's arms behind her back with a kunai to her neck, the other holding her clothes. Kakashi and Sakura made eye contact for a mere second, instantly understanding the situation.

She was playing with them. He smirked behind his mask, and quickly decided to play along.

"Well,  _ hello there _ , Mr. Husband," one of the men said to him coolly. Both of them were wearing maroon long sleeves and pants. Kakashi figured that they were from a rural Sand Village before finding their hitae-ate on his hips with a deep scratch over the sand symbol.

"What do you want?" Kakashi asked, pretending to sound concerned for their well being.

"Takashi..." Sakura said breathlessly, feigning a sense of fear, yet signaling to him to start playing their role.

"Haruna, it'll be okay," Kakashi said quietly, sweetly even.

"Will it?" the Sand Chuunin asked treacherously, placing her mouth directly beside her cheek, "Your pretty little wife here pleaded with us to spare her... Said you had some valuables that would be worth our time."

Kakashi put his hands up, "We do," he said pleadingly, "We're moving. All of our belongings are right here with us, you can have anything you want. Just, please. Don't hurt my wife."

The shinobi holding onto Sakura looked over his partner, urging him with his chin to move towards Kakashi to look through their goods. The second shinobi tossed Sakura's shirt onto the ground in front of him, stepping it on and swiveling his foot onto it, dirtying the top, before proceeding.

"Better be some good stuff," the shinobi spoke, licking his lips. The kunai held onto Sakura's neck began to trail down her neck, slowly passed her neck and down to her navel. She forced a tiny whimper, playing into the shinobi's false notion of power. Sakura's flashed a low eye in Kakashi's direction, a slick grin spreading across her cheeks.

One look and he understood. He lowered his chin in agreement, almost signaling her-- _ do it.  _ That was all she needed. Their glances said everything, and no one but them would know it.

The unsuspecting shinobi sneaked towards him, kunai forward, warning Kakashi to be cautious as he went, to avoid trying anything stupid. But the shinobi behind Sakura slithered his unwanted words in her ear: "Yell, and I'll kill you. Once we're done with your husband... we're going to deal with you."

At that very moment, Kakashi and the other shinobi reached their wagon. Before he knew it, Sakura grabbed the hand "holding" onto her wrist behind her, threw the shinobi up, and punched him hard into the ground, completely knocking him out. Before the other shinobi could even turn fully, Kakashi grabbed his arm, held it flush behind him, and had a kunai at  _ his  _ neck.

He whispered to the shinobi: "Now that we’re done with your partner... we're going to deal with you."

Sakura dusted her hands off, picked up her shirt off the ground, threw it over her shoulder, and walked over to the shinobi within Kakashi's hold. When she stood directly in front of him, he grimaced both in fear and a little bit of pain before asking, "Who are you people?"

Before Sakura socked him straight into his gut--holding back some chakra for Kakashi's sake--she made damn sure that he heard: " _ We're out of your league." _

* * *

 

Before Kakashi and Sakura had packed up their tent, Sakura had ripped up one of their sheets and rolled the shinobi into a tight bundle. Meanwhile, Kakashi had taken one of their spare ropes and tied them up by their feet, swinging them onto a tree. With a bright red marker, Sakura had written onto their bodies "murderous thieves," warning any passerby travelers to proceed with caution. Additionally, when the two shinobi came to consciousness, Kakashi put them under a genjutsu, altering their memories and removing Kakashi and Sakura's face from their recollection.

Sakura had changed into a simple white Yukata; she didn't want to look too extravagant as travelers. Her hair, which was long enough to tie into a ponytail and rest over her shoulder, was parted down the middle with loose strands hanging from the sides and front. She justified this change as part of her new identity. She figured that she had to look a little different, given the rarity of pink hair to begin with.

Kakashi, on the other hand, had changed into an olive green yukata shirt, and dark brown loose pants. Although he attempted to wear his mask, Sakura argued that  _ Kakashi of the Sharingan _ was too famously known for his covered face, and urged him to remove it.

When he emerged, Sakura's eyes almost popped out of her head. For the first time ever, she was seeing Kakashi without his mask--neck completely bare, skin exposed and leading down into the yukata.

"You look handsome," she said teasingly, smiling lightly with pink cheeks.

Kakashi lifted his arm, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, avoiding eye contact with Sakura. "I feel exposed," he responded shyly.

"Most people consider showing their faces normal, you know."

Sakura stood in front of him--despite his uncomfortable stance--taking in his image: his messy silver hair which fell over his eyes, his defined yet lightly stubbled jaw, the tensed muscles in his neck when he swallowed, his thin lips, and the cute mole speckled onto his chin. Her mouth went a little dry. It wasn't fair, she thought, to be this attractive and be over 40 years old. She felt that Kakashi didn't look a day over 35. But as she marveled at the man in front of her, she also found herself feeling a little proud and possessive.

_ How many other people have ever seen Kakashi like this _ ? she thought. She immediately felt privileged, but also a little selfish; she didn't want to share it as she had waited so many years for this very view.

Kakashi's eyes drifted in her direction, observing her in her wide-eyed state, a tint of pink on her cheeks. He wondered what she was thinking. The stare reminded him ever-so-slightly of the surprised look she had given him the night before when he--very stupidly--decided to come onto her as a joke. At the time, he hadn't considered the possibility of Sakura allowing him to continue. He had expected her to swat him away immediately; instead, he was met with staggered breathing.  _ Had she even noticed _ ? He wasn't sure, but he realized then that he was an absolute moron. This was Sakura--his former student, his teammate, a married woman. But even though he had acknowledged that, he couldn't stop himself from continuing the second time. There was something strangely addictive about it--seeing another side to her, knowing he could  _ make her _ react to him. And when she stopped breathing as he was a mere millimeters away from her face, the thought finally crossed his mind that--maybe, just maybe--she wouldn't have stopped him from kissing her.

Her staggered breathing echoed in his mind.

And he  _ knew _ that this was wrong.

Yes, he had recognized in recent months, especially in their time training and eating together in Konoha, that Sakura had grown to be quite attractive, but she of all people was off limits. He couldn't do something like that again, especially if he had any indication that she wouldn't stop him.

But here was Sakura, staring at him in silence--again, not quite knowing what she was thinking about--in his most  _ seemingly _ vulnerable state. He felt that he may as well be naked. No one had ever seen Kakashi quite as fully as she was right now--at least, not anyone he hadn't  _ slept _ with.

And suddenly, Sakura reached out slowly with her hands--it looked like she was reaching for his face. Was she about to touch his cheek? But when he hand moved past his cheek and into his hair, he was instantly confused. She started to comb it out, creating more of a side part, and tucked the smaller section of his hair behind his ear.

"We've got to do something about your hair," she almost whispered before smiling.

"What's wrong with my hair?" he asked, equally as quiet. Something was strangely intimate about this moment.

"It's messy," she replied, "And just like your mask, it seems to be just so uniquely  _ you _ ." She ran her fingers through the front bangs of his hair, attempting to move them backwards. Then she dropped her thumb and traced it slowly over his scar.

_ This time _ , Kakashi stopped breathing.

She didn't notice.

Instead, she asked him to wait, and then left to rummage through her bag. When she returned, she was holding a tiny jar of beige cream. Sakura stood in front of him again, gazing at his scar. Without breaking eye contact, she dipped her finger into the jar, and lifted her hand toward his face, balancing herself on her toes to reach him.

Kakashi gingerly grabbed her wrist. "What are you doing?"

"Trust me," she responded gently. He allowed her wrist to slip out of his grasp, and her finger dusted lightly across his scar. As her finger drew closer to his eye, her touch became softer, and he closed his eye to allow her movements. Without realizing it, Sakura was on her toes--her face near his, intently focused on the task at hand. They were almost chest-to-chest, maybe four inches away from each other.

_ This _ , however, was not something he had  _ ever  _ allowed. Never had he allowed a woman to get  _ this _ close to him, see him  _ this bare _ , touch his scar  _ this _ lightly. In fact, he had never allowed anyone to touch his scar.

"There," she whispered, delicately swiping her fingers on more time through his hair, parting it, and smoothing it down the sides. She finally lowered her feet to the floor, pulling a tiny mirror out of her pack, and handed it to Kakashi. Not once during this entire exchange had he moved his gaze from hers. She wasn't cognizant of it as she was so fixated on his scar, but he couldn't help but be in awe of how she somehow made her way into his personal bubble. He wondered for moment if he could blame the mission-- _but would he have stopped her if she tried this elsewhere_?

He didn't know. And the more he watched her, the more the decided that he didn't think he would. Pretending to resist would be futile.

What  _ was _ this relationship?

All he knew was that Sakura was, or maybe always had been, closer to him than most people--growing closer still with each moment of training, each separate mission, with each passing day of  _ this _ mission. And he wondered--just how much closer would they get now?

Only when he felt her slip the mirror into his palm did he break his gaze. He lifted the mirror to see what Sakura had done. His scar was gone--covered, of course, by whatever she had dipped her finger in, and his hair was groomed. Now, he looked at himself in awe. He wondered how long it had been since he'd seen his face unblemished by past traumas.

He looked back at her wide-eyed. She responded only with a smile. And then a silent moment passed; he seemed to be frozen in place, unsure of how to proceed, unsure of how to comprehend how  _ she _ seemed to move past his vulnerability. He realized suddenly that  _ this _ must have been what Sakura felt the night before, when he was teasing her. Frozen. Shocked. Affected. But the difference was that he did it sort of intentionally. Sakura did it by... just being herself.

"Takashi," she spoke suddenly, breaking him from his trance.

"Huh?" he asked, still not used to the new name.

"No one would know that you are actually the famous Copy Nin now." She giggled and then walked away to return her make-up into her bag.

Kakashi watched her walk away, feeling the moment slipping away--both in relief but also with a little bit of yearning. She turned to look back at him and signaled him with her arm. 

"Let's go," she chirped, totally oblivious of the revelations Kakashi was having in his mind.

He forced himself to move. And to speak. "Ne, Sakura-chan."

"Hmm?" she asked, taking hold of the reigns of their cart. He moved beside her, taking the cart from her hands before he started pulling. The two of them walked in stride.

"When we get to Takumi Village, can we buy a king-sized blanket?"

"We don't need a king-sized blanket!"

"Easy for you to say," Kakashi teased, "You're not the one who sleeps in the cold at night."

"Hmph," Sakura huffed, snapping her head off to the side. "I told you I was sorry. How about this: you get your  _ own _ blanket."

"Nah," Kakashi chuckled. "Because then I can't get my revenge for all of the times you stole the blanket from me."

She swatted his arm lightly with a grin on her face. "Now that I think about it, I'm not sorry. You deserve to sleep in the cold."

He pretended to pout before he continued in a mock-whining tone."Sakura-chaaan, that's not a very nice thing to say to the man whose only source of warmth is  _ your back _ and the man who wakes up every night to your snorting."

Sakura blushed furiously, "Wh-what?! I do not!"

"You definitely do," Kakashi guffawed. "But don't worry, you're quite a nice partial blanket, so that makes up for it."

"Shut up," she replied, crossing her arms tightly and turning away from him.

"Fine," he teased, shrugging his shoulders, "We can walk  _ all day _ in silence again, if that's what you really want. You  _ do _ enjoy nature."

She snapped her head back in his direction, "Ugh! You're so annoying!"

Kakashi smiled genuinely in her direction before laughing slightly. "I've heard."

She really was adorable. How was it exactly that she went from cute, to badass, to sweet, and feisty again--all in the span of one hour? He wasn't sure, but he couldn't deny that her volatility was probably the very thing he enjoyed about her company.

_ Yes, _ he thought,  _ This is going to be a problematic trip.  _ He admitted to himself inwardly that he was enjoying this mission in ways that he never should have--especially not with someone off-limits like Sakura. He didn't know what he could do about it, but he also knew he didn't have it in him to stop.


	14. Sight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Thank you so much for the comments on the characterization and development between the two of them! Your comments were beyond nice, and I couldn't believe some of the things that you had said! I'm so flattered. Sometimes I wonder if it's too much, and so I'm super grateful for the reassurance. Thank you. 3

The last 6 days of travel had occurred without a hitch and developed as a routine. Every night, Kakashi would leave to catch fish and they'd eat it by the fire. Every night, Kakashi would summon Pakkun, who would grumble about his assignment. Every night, Kakashi and Sakura would somehow end up back-to-back, Kakashi without a blanket. And every morning, Sakura would take out her jar of concealer and delicately apply it to Kakashi's face.

Despite the frequent touching and close proximity of their bodies, Sakura never quite grew accustomed to seeing him without his mask-especially his neck-and Kakashi would still feel a nervous, butterfly-like sensation when she would brush her fingers over his scar.

But they had continued on with that secret discomfort, keeping it to themselves as the days passed, falling into a routine of partnership.

As they grew closer and closer to Takumi Village, Kakashi found himself thinking about the last time he had been in Takumi Village. He had heard a rumor many years ago--when Sakura and Naruto were about 13--he was about 26 then. Back then, Takumi Village was known for supplying shinobi with tools and weapons, but their trade had begun to slow in more modern times. He'd had to investigate a rumor about the Artisans; Konoha had heard of suspicious activity, and he had discovered-through Pakkun and the gang-that Artisan Village had been abandoned, and the leaders were attempting to resurrect their founder, Seimei. He was 46 now and Sakura was 32. It had literally been twenty years since he'd been here. He wondered if the village had changed a lot since then. He'd heard that people resettled in Takumi Village, and that they'd expanded their trade to other kinds of art.

That, of course, was why they returned. Because an art school had opened and they had heard dangerous rumors about it.

As they walked, he gave Sakura a sidelong glance, who seemed to be observing her surroundings. The color of the trees and bamboo stalks had started to slowly morph from a light green to varied shades of yellow, green, and orange. It was autumn, and the color of seasons was not something that people of the leaf saw often. Konoha, as it seemed, always remained green--despite the seasonal cherry blossoms. And so, Sakura was glancing around, taking in the color around her. And in recognizing that 20 year difference, he wondered, too, just how different the two of them had become since they had been here.

Sakura was a woman now, not a child. And she had her own child, who was now the same age as Sakura had been back then. She had her own marriage too--a troubled marriage--and had a lifetime of experiences behind her. He examined her countenance; the once soft and delicate features were now more matured. She was taller--her chin lengthened and her jaw defined. Her eyes more piercing and captivating. Her hair styled and prim. Her neck elongated and elegant underneath her exceptionally roseate hair. Her arms slender and powerful, hands that seemed so delicate but were the mightiest weapons in their current arsenal.

As Kakashi observed the woman beside him, he saw a woman who held her head high-sure of herself, so unlike that long lost girl who felt that she had something to prove. Kakashi felt dull in comparison--sure, he had become the Hokage--but if he compared himself to the rate in which _she_ had matured, the rate in which _she_ moved through the staged in her life--both personally and professionally--had surpassed him. He realized that--although he had been considered a genius throughout his life--his life would ultimately amount to _dust;_ he would be left forever as a stone carving on Hokage mountain. He had no love, he had no family, he had no children. The Hatake line would end with him. He had focused on his career and village for so long that he had never taken the time to focus on his happiness. Sakura _had_ those things--she had both a family and her career, prestige and reputation... well, at least most of it. Because despite all of those successes, she had one source of unhappiness--Sasuke.

In the middle of his thoughts, Sakura had turned to look at him. She gave him an inquisitive look.

"Do you remember the last time we were here?" Kakashi asked, attempting to make it look like _that_ was all he was thinking of.

"Hardly," she responded. "I was so young... All I remember was that we came out here to save Gaara."

"Yeah," Kakashi concurred, "You were young." And then there was a brief moment of silence then. "But you've grown a lot since then."

She nodded, adding, "Yeah, I was weak then." She gave a small laugh and smiled in his direction. "I owe a lot to Tsunade-sama."

He tilted his head, pausing for moment before responding, "Tsunade-sama could only _lead you_ to where you are today."

"What do you mean?"

"You were never _weak_ ," he emphasized. "You had the potential for that ability all along. She taught Shizune-san too, but she never accomplished what you did." Kakashi let go of one of the cart's ropes and he lifted a hand to place a thumb on her forehead. He gently swiped onto her byakugou twice. "This right here--this is _you_ . Tsunade can't _teach_ capacity. She could only teach one who _had_ the capacity in the first place." He dropped his hand.

She stared back at him silently but with humbleness in her eyes, like one who didn't know how to accept a compliment. But he wasn't simply complimenting her--he meant it.

"By the way-" he added, "Do you plan to hide it? That mark is pretty recognizable."

Her eyes widened slightly in response. "You're right," she admitted and began digging into her pouch. "Since I can't feel it, I easily forget about it."

When she pulled out her make-up pot, Kakashi put his hand over hers and dug his fingers into her palm to retrieve it. They both stopped and faced each other. "Let me," he suggested softly--it seemed more like a request than a statement.

Sakura's mouth curled into a slight upward curve. "Do you know how?"

"Well," Kakashi started, as he removed the cover and rubbed a finger into the cream, "I know what it _feels_ like from when you put it on me every morning." She didn't respond. He felt a strange warmness in his chest-butterflies.

"Let me try." He slowly raised his finger onto her forehead. Perhaps he had a little bit too much cream on his finger, because when he pressed it on her, it applied like a glob. He tried rubbing it out gently. With each stroke, the purple mark on her forehead began to disappear. Sakura dug out her pocket mirror.

Kakashi dropped his hand to recover the pot, and Sakura looked at his handiwork. "Not bad," she confessed.

"I _am_ studying to be a painter, after all," he joked. She scoffed in response. "Let's make a deal," Kakashi offered tenderly as Sakura gazed at him curiously. "Every day, I'll cover you and you'll cover me." When he said it, he wished he could slap his forehead with his palm. It didn't come out _at all_ the way he wanted it to, but when Sakura's eyes widened slightly, a small smile peeking from her lips, he knew she understood.

"Okay," she said, and Kakashi returned her smile with one of his own.

* * *

 It was nearing sunset by the time they arrived. The gates of Takumi Village were not at all what they had remembered. Instead of the average red traditional gates, it had been replaced with an ornately carved and decorated arbor. It was finely painted with a variety of colors, flowers and animals carved into the bases, swirled clouds leading up a red base arch of fine wood, with a circular medallion attached in the middle, adorned by a beautifully hammered filigree in the shape of the Takumi emblem. They were met by two gate-keeping shinobi donning purple slacks and a tank top, their arms also covered by purple clothes, their hitae-ate a sandy beige. It was instantly clear to Sakura and Kakashi that they were not very strong--Takumi Village never had a consistent flow of well-trained shinobi and they always focused more on weaponry. Perhaps now, Kakashi thought, that they were trying to change that. But these shinobi were much too inexperienced to come to the conclusion that two legendary shinobi were about to pass their gates. When approached by the shinobi, Kakashi had introduced them as Akiyama Takashi and Haruna. He had produced moving papers that Shikamaru had forged for them: a false marriage license that Kakashi had filled in once they decided on names, and a notice of a change of address to Takumi Village from the Hidden Sand-a document that was forged with the Kazekage's permission.

The two were welcomed warmly by the shinobi once Kakashi had produced the paperwork, and female shinobi offered to lead them to their new quarters, which Kakashi had explained was found through a catalogue. Her name was Kyoko; she was a young shinobi of approximately 16 with long flowing blonde hair in a ponytail at the nape of her neck and eyes a light blue. She was, to Sakura at least, reminiscent of Ino. The main gates were stationed in front of a a forest of bamboo with but one path to proceed. As the shinobi led them through the bamboo thicket, Sakura looked all around her, taking in the variety of colors, the length of the bamboo, and the golden sun trickling through the leaves above them, kindling spots of light all throughout their pathway. It was intensely beautiful; so contrary to the world she knew at home which seemed to remain a singular vibrant green. When her gaze returned forward, she found that both the Kyoko and Kakashi were looking at her with a slight smile. Kyoko looked amused, but not in a condescending way. The look she had was more one of pride-as though she knew her village was beautiful and she recognized that acknowledgement in Sakura.

"Isn’t bamboo so beautiful in autumn?" Kyoko asked warmly.

Sakura nodded in wonder, "It's just so much more beautiful than the vast expanse of sand where we lived before..."

The chuckled and turned forward then, "I bet," she said. "I hope you will be happy here. The villagers have been working so hard to make a new name for ourselves."

Kakashi looked at her with a raised eyebrow, responding in a pleasing tone that indicated small talk: "We hope to contribute."

"Why did you chose Takumi anyway, if you don't mind me asking?"

"My wife and I plan to study at the new art academy. We heard it was a good school." It occurred to Sakura that Kakashi was already gathering information. They waited for Kyoko's answer in anticipation. They watched her warm smile fade slowly; she looked as though she were entering a stage of deep thought.

"Masuyo Institute is an amazing benefit to our community." Kyoko continued to look forward, all emotion seemed to drain from her face. The pitch of her voice sounded almost robotic, like one reciting a piece for an advertisement. Kakashi and Sakura kept their heads straight, but shot each other a quick sidelong glance. They both recognized the strangeness of Kyoko's change in demeanor. She continued in the same tone, "Masuyo Institute is filled with master artisans in a wide variety of trades, ready to prepare potential apprentices for a lifetime of success."

Sakura didn't know what to say; she was creeped out by the lack of variation in Kyoko's voice. Luckily, Kakashi seemed to be unfazed.

"That's good to hear," he responded without a hitch."Are the people in this village welcoming?"

Suddenly, the light in Kyoko's eyes seemed to return and all the previous energy flooded back into her being, "Oh yes!" she exclaimed excitedly. "People here are very supportive of each other's businesses. There are tons of veteran artisans who love helping people adjust here."

Sakura felt like she should say something to relief Kakashi from all of the work, "It sounds like a lot of people have been moving here lately."

Kyoko paused again, the monotonous register returning once more when she finally came to speak, "Masuyo Institute is effective at training their students, and the alumni often leave the city to start their trades elsewhere."

"I see..." Sakura responded, again taken aback by the change in response. At that moment, the three of them had reached a clearing at the end of the road. They were entering the main square of Takumi Village-two to three story white buildings with red tiled roofing throughout, a plethora of artisan booths scattered amongst the courtyard, ground scattered with dry fallen leaves, the sound of leaves crunching and commerce filling the air.

"See?" Kyoko said brightly, leading the way into the square, "Lots of support for the arts here! And, you're just in time for the autumn festival tomorrow."

Kakashi walked behind Kyoko, pulling the cart, but was also looking around. Most of the booth artisans were in their fifties. There were booths of all kinds of trades: ninja tools (from which Sakura felt the need to resist), crocheted throws, clothing, jewelry, ceramic wares, paintings, wood carvings, etc. Other adults were busying themselves hanging banners and various decorative items for the festival. She saw men setting up new booths, which seemed to be for future food stalls. "Wow," Sakura chirped, excitement clearly peeking through. Her eyes were wandering left and right, the endless purchasing possibilities swirling through her mind. Kakashi raised an eyebrow in amusement as he watched Sakura. Kyoto took one look at him, giggled, and proceeded to walk with a smile.

Soon, they had passed the main square, and wandered into a residential area. The houses seemed small and older, like they hadn't been updated in some time, but many houses were adorned by cute trinkets that reflected the personality of the resident: various pinwheels, wind chimes, stained glass, painted murals... Sakura thought that the village seemed so fun and eccentric _._ Most houses had the facade of the main buildings in the square-they were all white with red tiled ceilings, most of them two stories. After a series of turns, Kyoko led them to a smaller house, one that seemed slightly older than the rest, but of similar style. It looked like a duplex apartment-one unit downstairs, and another unit above.

"Here we are," Kyoko reported cheerfully. She swiveled in front of them with her hands on her hips and smiled. "Do you already have the key?"

Kakashi had already turned to dig into the wagon before producing a small iron key with a wooden stick for a keychain. "Got it," he said coolly.

Sakura turned to Kyoko and bowed, "Thank you so much, Kyoko-san."

"Ah, it was no problem at all," she replied. "Welcome home, Akiyama-sama, Akiyama-san. If you need anything, you know where my post is."

Kakashi nodded and gave a small bow as well, Kyoko waved off as she walked away, quickly disappearing around the corner.

Kakashi and Sakura turned to face each other, both looking a little sheepish due to being referred to by their _married_ names.

"Akiyama?" she asked, "When did you choose that name?"

Kakashi put his hand on his hip and put all of his weight on one leg, slipping a hand into his pocket. He smiled gently, "When I saw you looking at all of the autumn colors in the forest." Sakura's eyes widened a bit in surprise, and then softened into a smile. "Shall we go into our _home?_ " Sakura nodded excitedly, feeling jitters in her stomach. She didn't know why, but she was nervous for some reason. A good kind of nervous. She was excited to nestle in and make it _feel_ like a home, especially since they were going to be there for some time. She was especially excited because the very first thing she wanted to do was: one, take a real shower; and two, write to her daughter in Konoha.

* * *

 Once Kakashi pushed the key into the lock and jiggled the doorknob, he pushed the door open and let the door slowly swing open. Sakura placed a hand on his bicep and poked her head forward, peeking a glance from behind him like a curious feline that needed to survey the area before proceeding. Kakashi looked down at her with an eyebrow raised. _She really was so cute_. Kakashi took a few steps forward, and to his surprise, Sakura's grip on his arm tightened as he went, pulling herself with him as he moved. They stood near each other, glancing at their surroundings in silence until finally, Kakashi decided to speak. "Quaint," he said as though he were amused. His voice echoed in the empty chamber.

Sakura nodded. It was a studio apartment that seemed to be divided into four sections based on the sparse furniture. Her gaze ran across the dark brown floorboards. The area on the left seemed to be the sleeping quarters; the singular full sized bed was approximately two feet away from the window. There was one chest a few feet away with four drawers. Not to far away from it, to Sakura's immediate left, was a small, fluffy looking loveseat couch with a tiny coffee table in front of it, it was beside a doorway to their small wooden balcony. To Sakura's immediate right was the kitchen. It had a wooden dining table for two. The cabinetry behind it was painted white with dark grey tiles, a narrow stove inserted between two cabinets. The cabinetry curved into an L-shape, and on the other end, Sakura saw an old looking refrigerator beside the sink, which had another window above it. On the back right of the room was a sliding door to the bathroom. Letting go of Kakashi's arm, she walked towards the door to peer inside. She slid the door open to find matching white tiles, a toilet beside a small sink and a circular mirror. The best part was that it had a bathtub beneath the shower.

She turned back to Kakashi, "We have a tub!" She said excitedly.

Kakashi gave a smirk in response, leaning his body weight to one side, and slid his hands in his pocket. Finally, Sakura seemed comfortable enough to move freely. She quickly moved past him, and out the door to begin moving their things inside. Kakashi followed her quietly, still amused, but before he was down the staircase, Sakura was already carrying a huge bundle of blankets and pillows up the stairs. They didn't bring much, which was typical of movers heading to rural villages. They had blankets, clothes, picture frames (holding solo shots of them), a few plates, bowls, cups, pots and pans, and lots of canvas. He went to carry the kitchen items while she fluffed out the sheets and prepared the bed. When he returned with their clothes, she quickly unpacked the boxes of cooking materials, and set them inside the cabinets. When he finished moving the cart to the back of the property and carried the canvas up, she was already working on folding the clothing into the drawers.

"You have the bottom two drawers," she called out, not turning her head as she worked.

"Well, I think that's hardly fair," he joked. Finally she paused to turn around.

"How so?" she asked, looking as though she were expecting a punchline.

"I'm the taller one. It's easier for you to crouch down."

Sakura chuckled, adding in a teasing tone, "Ah, right. And you're _old_ too. Much easier for the younger, more nimble ones like me to reach the bottom drawer."

As soon as the the word _old_ left her lips, Kakashi seemed to strut beside her with energy and started to help fill the bottom drawers with his clothes.

"You're right," he added joyfully, "it is _much_ easier for us younger men to use the bottom drawer." Sakura continued giggling beside him.

"Right, _I'm_ the old one," she said, feigning ignorance since she was getting the drawers she wanted after all.

* * *

 Once they had finished unpacking the few things that they had brought with them, the sun had set, Sakura had taken a long needed _real_ shower. While she had been bathing, Kakashi had taken it upon himself to find the nearest market, introducing himself as Takashi, and brought home some miso soup and rice. Given that they were most likely going to sleep soon, he figured that he didn't need to find a full meal for them. They'd deal with the groceries tomorrow. And so by the time he got home, Sakura was waiting for him on the couch, in short flannel red pajama shorts and a loose scoop neck cream-colored sweater, hair parted on the side in her signature way, boldly reading _Icha Icha Tactics_.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow as he opened the door, taking a quick glance at the length of her legs, and tried to jiggle the key out of the socket. "Catching up on our favorite series, I see?"

At that, Sakura slapped the book shut with an audible _thwap!_ "I guess so," she conceded, "I realized that there's not much for us to do in here on our downtime. Not at night at least."

Kakashi pulled out the small to-go containers of soup and rice; Sakura, smelling the cue to approach the dining table, kicked herself off of the couch, walked towards the table, and dropped herself into the chair.

"True. So how far did you get?"

"I'm at the part where Princess Ayame sees Takeshi for the first time after returning from his voyage to the burning village, and she's excited about getting him alone, even though she's seated at the court beside husband-to-be from that other kingdom." Sakura removed the lid of her containers.

"Hmmm," Kakashi mused, doing the same. "I recommend you keep reading. It gets pretty interesting when they finally _are_ alone together."

"You're such a perv," she said before taking a sip of her soup, "But maybe I'll continue. What else will I do around here?" Kakashi gave a short chuckle in the form of a curt exhale and shrugged. "Thanks for picking up food, by the way. I feel like it's been awhile since I had something that wasn't either caught fish or dried food."

Kakashi nodded, "Not a problem." He began to eat a bit of his rice before continuing the conversation, "Hey, did you notice anything strange when we arrived?"

"Yeah," Sakura responded, putting her bowl down. "The town seems to be flourishing, which is great, but Kyoko..."

"Seemed almost robotic," Kakashi added, completing Sakura's sentence for her.

"Especially when she was talking about Masuyo Institute... and for some reason, I doubt that her answers were simply rehearsed."

"I agree." He put his elbows on the table and held his hands together in front of his chin. "There's something more to it. She had so much energy when she was talking about other things. It was almost like Kyoko left her own body when Masuyo Institute came up."

"Maybe it's some form of jutsu hypnosis," Sakura stated, posing it somewhat like a question.

"Perhaps," Kakashi answered, clearly deep in thought, "but I haven't heard of anything of this nature. The shinobi are still functioning, but Masuyo is the trigger for the behavior change..."

"Well, we're here to investigate. Let's find out more tomorrow and see if we get similar responses. But I wonder how one school could do so much for this place." Kakashi nodded at Sakura's reply. She continued, "Now that we're here, we can head over to the school tomorrow morning and let registration know that we've arrived. Do you have the papers that Shikamaru gave to us for registration?"

Kakashi pointed over to the dresser by the bed. "It's in my clothes drawer. We also need to talk about finding some work. Part-time will probably be fine, but the villagers will definitely get suspicious if we don't involve ourselves in more ways than just the school."

"Okay," sighed Sakura, suddenly feeling the weight of this mission falling onto her shoulders. "Let's try to get all of this set up before Sasuke and Sai show up." She began to cover her food, the brief thought of Sasuke leaving as quickly as it came. "But tonight... I just want to relax. We've been traveling for days... Why don't you take a shower?" she asked, "You went to get the food. I'll clean up."

"Thanks," he replied, rising from the table. He walked over to his drawer, crouched down to grab fresh clothes, and headed into the bathroom, sliding the door shut behind him. Sakura sat silently, listening for some reason, hearing his clothes drop onto the floor. When the water turned on, she was suddenly faced with the thought that-behind those doors-was a completely naked Kakashi. She started thinking about his face again, and how no one had ever been so lucky to see him _this exposed_ for such an extended time. She thought about his jawline, his rippling neck muscles, the lips she had never had the chance to grow accustomed to seeing. She blushed, finally pushing herself off of the chair, picking up their empty food containers and tying them into a bag before tossing them. She grabbed a new washcloth rag that she placed by the sink, wet it, and then wiped the table-forcing herself not to think about how-behind those doors-was a very attractive man. _Sakura-chan_ , she heard again in her mind, hearing his deep voice again from the time they were beside the fireplace, _why don't you let me show you what real romance is like?_

 _Damnit_ , she thought, scrubbing the table a little too thoroughly, _why do I keep thinking about that night!_

It was like poison. She had been given a _taste_ -so to speak-of a secret side to Kakashi, and now, she couldn't _unsee_ him, even when he was acting perfectly normal. He was the same supportive Kakashi, the sensible and thoughtful one that she had gotten to know in Konoha as of late, but back then, she didn't quite see him like _this_. It was this mission, she concluded, and she worried about what would happen now that she was seeing him as an undeniable attractive man. She realized that, even though she spoke his name earlier-Sakura had not really thought about Sasuke. She was enjoying Kakashi's presence too much, taking in the surroundings and crafting what she thought she could fit into their fake lives together.

Sakura headed towards the bed, the small full-sized bed, and wiggled herself into the plain yellow bedding that she brought with them. Seated somewhat in the middle, she realized that there wasn't much space on here. But she also realized that she and Kakashi had been sleeping back-to-back for a few nights now. She heard the water turn off. And she looked around and thought, _Where is Kakashi going to sleep?_ She gave into a short moment of panic because she realized that they didn't _have_ to sleep beside each other now that they were in an enclosed room. She knew that they _shouldn't_ sleep beside each other because they were partners in a mission and she was married. But something was tugging her heart inside of her, making her feel a strange sense of longing, a mourning for a time that was past. And although she _wanted_ him to sleep beside her, she really knew that she was wrong for feeling that.

Suddenly, the door to the bathroom slid open, and Kakashi walked out rubbing his hair with a white towel. He was wearing his sleeveless shirt with the mask extension again, and he didn't even look at her. Sakura watched him while sitting up at the bed, now feeling all sorts of conflicted about their sleeping arrangements, and now his mask. She forced herself to speak, "Are you really wearing that thing again?"

"Yup," Kakashi replied nonchalantly before turning off the lights by the front door. "You wore your hair the way you used to, and this mask is what I used to wear. We're both comfortable like this." He walked toward the couch, sat on it, and laid down, his hand rested behind his head.

 _This is it_ , she thought as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. _What do I want?!_

But before she could answer her own question, she smoothly blurted out, "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, tilting his head backwards to look at her from the couch.

"Why are you on the couch?" she asked sort of quietly, but seemed, to him, genuinely confused.

"Aren't we going to sleep?" he asked, wondering where she was going with this.

"Umm... yeah, but..." she started, but suddenly froze. She realized what she _wanted_ to say, and where she was going with this, but the thought that Kakashi would say no seized the words in her mouth. _This is stupid,_ she thought, _he's a professional man, of course he would try to sleep on the couch! We're partners!_

She was mentally beating herself up. Even in the dark and the simple light of the moon filtering through the window, Kakashi saw that she looked troubled when her eyebrows started to furrow. "Sakura?" he asked, wondering. But by now, he sort of had an idea.

"Umm..." she started again, feeling the warmth of embarrassment spreading across her cheeks. "You don't have to sleep there," she finally pushed out, quiet, sounding absolutely shy about her statement.

Kakashi paused for a second, staring at her, not sure how to respond.

And then Sakura started chuckling nervously, then felt the need to back pedal rapidly, "I mean, it's stupid, I know! If you want to sleep there you can, I just thought that it wouldn't be fair to make you sleep on the couch for so many months especially if we don't know how long we're going to be here and besides it can't be good for your back, so I thinking that it was only-"

"You don't mind?" Kakashi asked her softly, cutting off her rambling and catching onto her nervousness.

"No..." Sakura said, even quieter than before.

And with that, Kakashi lifted himself off of the couch and headed towards the side of the bed by the window. He moved himself under the covers and leaned back against the headboard beside her. "Thanks Sakura-chan," he said smiling with his eyes in the dark. There wasn't much space between them. Definitely not enough space for a pillow. Her leg seemed to be a jostle away from touching his.

Her eyes darted down to his mask only to be met by a cloaked smirk. Sakura didn't realize she would miss seeing his mouth so much; she couldn't see his real smile.

"Just don't steal the covers from me tonight, okay?" He didn't move. His eyes were still smiling, and she couldn't see an expression underneath, but she quickly swatted his arm, gave him a little _hmph_ and slid her body down until her head hit the pillow. Kakashi wriggled his way down too. They were side-to-side, their arms and thighs lightly touching one another, radiating heat from one body to the other.

But then she turned her head toward him while they lay side-by-side, and added, "Kakashi, now that I'm looking at you, I feel like I haven't _seen_ you in so long."

He tiltled his head in her direction, "I've been with you all this time."

"I know," she replied, "But I guess your mask just really makes you _you_."

"Sakura-chan," he joked at a very low volume, "Are you saying that you miss my face already?"

"Kind of," she admitted. He didn't expect that. "When I look at you without your mask, I'm not sure if I'm even looking at Kakashi."

He stayed quiet. "I had waited so many years to see what was under that mask."

She thought of his now visible scar too, but figured she shouldn't dare mention it.

"I guess I'm a pretty handsome guy," he teased again, "If you miss seeing it already."

"You're alright," she giggled softly, responding slowly. "But you're definitely going to have to choose a physical job."

"Why is that?"

"Your neck and shoulders are too muscular for you to be a _just an artist,"_ she said quietly, beginning to drift off to sleep.

He laughed in response, "I guess you're right. Gotta hide this impeccable shinobi body somehow."

"Yeah, you do..." she said as she began to lose consciousness, eyes fluttering closed, her fatigue of the travels catching up with her.

Kakashi decided not to respond then, allowing her to sleep, eyes roaming across her face, and settling on the purple byakugou that was now exposed on her clean forehead. He felt the strange butterflies again because he knew that even though she was just teasing him, he knew that Sakura was complimenting him.

She was _seeing_ him for the first time, and he realized that he was not the Kakashi she had always known. She'd seen him without his mask. They were sharing a bed. They were closer than he had ever been with _anybody_. And as he watched her breathing even out underneath the light of the moon, he wondered just what the hell he was doing in bed beside her. Even if he was invited here, and her reasoning made sense, he knew that it wasn't the best choice given the strange feelings that had been stirring up within him. But the warmth from her body and the breathing he heard beside him seemed to reach him in his chest.

This was really comfortable. It was a nice routine to be living with somebody, and it was certainly different from anything he had known since childhood. Sighing, he turned his head away from her, and rotated his entire body to face the window. Surprisingly, Sakura hadn't even falling into a deep sleep, but she seemed to respond to his movements in her slumber, rotating herself away too so that their backs were touching again.

Kakashi couldn't help but smile a little bit. He really _did_ enjoy these small little habits of Sakura's, and although he thought he had been _seeing_ her for who she always was, it was definitely fun to learn something new.

He closed his eyes then, but the light of the moon was still visible beneath his closed lids. He thought to himself before drifting off to sleep, _We're going to need to put up some blinds…_

And then he was gone too, taken away by the comfort of a bed--finally--and the warmth of the woman beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Much more stuff in here about the mission than anything else. There are so many scenes that I'm just excited to get to now that they are in Takumi, but I'm realizing that there's going to have to be so much other stuff about the mission! Inevitable, I suppose, but the mission will be integral for Sakura's growth. We'll just have to bear through it, even though we all know that what we really want is some Kakasaku (and it'll come, I promise)!  
> Thanks again for the support. ^_^


	15. Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I know I keep mentioning it, but I'm seriously so encouraged by all of the reviews. They seem to be increasing in number too, which is always such a surprise for me. Although I'm new to this, I'm really happy to hear that people are enjoying my story. To address some comments/questions left in the reviews: I agree that an older Sakura makes more sense. I like the dynamic of their relationship better this way, when she has a lot more life experience behind her. As far as an angry or understanding Sasuke goes, I would imagine myself writing him with a little bit of both. Even if Sasuke understood, that doesn't mean he would necessarily be free from anger. I think that's a very valid human response. Additionally, even if he understood, as he has in past chapters of this story, does that mean he would have it within himself to make the necessary changes to fix the problems? Last but not least, we are so far from the end. There is just too much to develop: the mission, the relationship between Kakashi and Sakura, the relationship between Sakura and Sasuke, and her own personal growth. I hope you'll stick around until the end, and I truly hope that I'll be able to write something that's worth sticking around for!

"Mmmm…"

Sakura wriggled into the warmth of the bed, growing more conscious as she slowly awoke, unconsciously refusing to let go of the comfort of truly undisturbed sleep. It was the first time in weeks that she was able to sleep in something plush, the first time in weeks that she wasn't desperately trying to cover her entire body and face, as the exposed skin was much too cold in the outdoors, and it was the first time in weeks that she didn't have to be alert for any sudden dangers that could approach her in the night.

She smiled groggily as she shifted her legs, pulling one upwards and letting the other stretch out—that is, until the back of her legs grazed against the front side of Kakashi's leg. She didn't jerk away but her eyes snapped open, remembering that she was but an inch away from the man behind her. Despite her better judgement, her body liked the closeness—and although she wanted to remain close, she decided that a little distance would be wise. She slowly pulled her leg back just a tad, and pushed her hips a bit closer towards him. If anyone else had been looking, it'd look like they were spooning. But they were far enough not to be touching consistently, yet close enough for one of Kakashi's inhales would bring his chest to just barely touch her back. It was like a tickle—but it was sweet, causing a giddy feeling in Sakura's chest. And it was from these light moments of bodily contact that Sakura realized two things: she hadn't stolen all of the blankets last night and Kakashi's body was like a furnace. Who could ever want to leave the covers when it was just so warm and the air outside of the blankets would shock the hairs straight on the body?

And so she didn't leave. Instead, she was fully conscious and now listening to the breathing of the man behind her. His breathing was even. Long. Slow. Quiet. But strong enough to cause the hairs on the back of her head to flitter with each exhale. This observation seemed to bring her a strange sense of peace; how many people had ever been so close to witness Kakashi so unguarded, comfortable enough to fall into a deep sleep? Yet here she was, listening to the breath of a legendary shinobi—her partner, an ex-sensei, a huge source of leadership in her life. And with each one of Kakashi's exhales, she felt something flutter within her. It wasn't necessarily heavier palpitations of her heart, but it was the recognition that _this man_ at one time in her life was a role model to her. She remembered seeing him for the first time as a young man in his twenties; and even though her eyes were set on Sasuke at the time, it was impossible for her—even then—to deny that she had been assigned to a handsome sensei. But he was untouchable—not only in age, but in his heart; he was broken from his past. She remembered his tougher exterior despite his playful moments and how it took him some time to warm up to them. She remembered the first time she saw Kakashi's _real power_. When they encountered Zabuza and Haku—how impressed she had been in her intense fear. How Kakashi's expertise, bravery, and threatening demeanor had shaken her—his subordinate and ally—to the absolute core.

He was the _first_ amazing shinobi she had ever met and truly witnessed. She _felt_ this memory beside him now as a new kind of fondness—in a way she had never allowed herself or even thought to feel before. Only now, in the quiet and undeniable intimacy of their private temporary quarters would she ever had been able to come to this kind of reflection about him.

But she couldn't deny that there were times that he had overlooked her potential in her formative years. Much of his attention was always thrown in the direction of Naruto and Sasuke. At the time, she did feel neglected. But now, as an older woman with a teenager of her own, she felt no resentment and even understood his previous tendency. Who could ignore the thrashing and ever-yelling rebellious Naruto? And who could ignore the clear and parallel plight of the revengeful and disastrous Sasuke? In contrast to her teammates, Kakashi _couldn't_ give her the same kind of attention because there was nothing about her that commanded it. _They_ were the students with problems; _she_ was the one who didn't need to be managed. And she realized that, even then, Kakashi didn't feel like he had to manage her. Perhaps it was indeed an oversight, but she would have to be remiss to think that he—after consistently commenting on her intelligence and chakra control—did not instinctively trust her to manage herself. She wanted to believe he did, and she felt that he still did to this day. And she became a better kunoichi because of it.

Now, they were equals in rank, and that seemed to be the loudest consideration in contrast between then and now. This was at the front of her mind while laying next to the man who used to be all of those things to her. It was overwhelming—in a positive way.

And then suddenly, Kakashi shifted behind her as he exhaled heavily. Breaking her from her thoughts, she felt him curl his body, unintentionally dropping his forehead into her hair and his legs directly cupping against hers.

"Mmmph…" he expressed before inhaling sharply. "...Sakura?"

"Good morning, Kakashi," she replied lightly, smiling a little.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to get so close," he said in a partial grunt, still warming up his vocal cords from a night of unuse. He began to shift away from her.

"It's okay," she giggled. "We can't control how we move when we sleep and we haven't slept fully in a while… how did you know I was awake?"

"Mmm? Oh… your breathing." He nuzzled his head roughly into his pillow, "I picked up your breathing habits while we were on the road."

"Oh," she responded plainly, a little dumbfounded that it was so simple for him.

"I'm not really used to sleeping beside other people, so I guess you could say I'm more alert about my surroundings."

Sakura shifted in the bed and turned to face him. Her hand was tucked underneath her cheek as she looked at his masked face. "Well you didn't sound very alert today," she said jokingly, but in a soft way.

"Should I have a reason to be alerted beside you?" he asked in an equally playful tone, eyes finally open behind messy hair, but his eyelids drooping lazily above his mask.

"You never know," she grinned lightly, "I could be cooking up a plot to throw away your masks forever."

"That's only fun when you _haven't_ already seen what's underneath it," he chuckled, closing his eyes; he wasn't quite awake yet.

"I mean take all of your masks so that you can't ever use them again. Maybe you shouldn't be so comfortable around me. I might make my move in your deep slumber." She slowly picked up her other hand and attempted to take hold of the thin sheet of material. She was about to graze her fingers on it when Kakashi lightly grasped her wrist.

"I don't know," Kakashi said with a small scoff, "for some reason, I don't think I have to worry about this particular shinobi woman trying to see my face as I sleep… I think I'll continue to sleep just as deep. It was quite nice." He smiled again with his eyes. Sakura wished that she could see his real smile.

"Hmmm," she replied, not removing her wrist from his loose fingers. "That's no fun."

"Half the fun is waiting to see it," he teased. "You'll just have to anticipate it all day." He suddenly let go of her wrist, reached for his mask, and lowered it to just barely expose his mouth. He stuck out his tongue playfully and closed one eye before snapping his mask securely in place.

Sakura blushed suddenly. "Hey!" She shoved him just a little, and they both laughed softly. _Was this flirting?_ she asked herself. Sasuke had never really played around with her like this--he was always so serious. But all she knew was that her chest was warm and that she felt a little tickle within her; it was giddiness. This felt so intimate yet it was just a conversation between partners-two people on a mission together, two people who had never shared any romantic events between them. So why did she feel this way? What was so intimate about it?

Kakashi finally sat up in bed to look out of the window and she watched, his arm propping himself up, his defined arms so clearly visible in the streaked morning sunlight that was filtering through his hair.

"Shall we get going?" he asked, turning to face her again.

"Yeah," she responded. "Let's check out the town and get our registration papers in."

Kakashi rose from the bed and went directly to the bathroom. "Wait here," he requested as he walked away. She watched him go and then return with something in his hand-it was the make-up pot and a moist towelette to wipe her face. He sat in front of her, on her side of the bed, and handed her the towel with a smile.

"Ready?" he asked, removing his mask completely, exposing his fresh smile that she indeed anticipated since he put it back on.

"Yeah," she responded, smiling shyly-feeling the routine _butterfly-like_ discomfort from their morning rituals.

* * *

 "Registration papers please," the attendant at the desk looked up sleepily from his post as Kakashi handed the man papers for the two of them. "Hmm…." he thought aloud, reading the paperwork. "Akiyama Takashi and Akiyama Haruna…"

"That's us," Kakashi noted monotonously.

"And you're signing up for…. Painting and calligraphy," Stated the attendant. Kakashi nodded, hands in his pocket, Sakura standing closely beside him. "Who is taking what?" Kakashi looked at Sakura, realizing that they hadn't discussed exactly which subject they preferred to take. She looked back at him, but he quickly realized that they couldn't discuss it now.

"I'm taking calligraphy," he responded, looking away from Sakura. "Haruna is taking painting."

"Ohhhhhhh-kay," he confirmed, shuffling through folders to retrieve handouts for them. He pulled out two white sheets from different folders. "Haruna-san, the painting class is on Mondays and Wednesdays, 8:30 AM in Studio 24…" He paused. "Your instructor is… Imada-sama. Bring canvas. And your best work." Sakura nodded to confirm.

"Takashi-san," the attendant continued, "your class is on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10 AM. You'll be in Studio 12 with Miyamoto-sama. You need to bring a notebook, a calligraphy brush, and some poetry samples. Classes start next week."

Kakashi also nodded in response. "That's it," he concluded. "If you need anything else, you know where to find me." The attendant then slumped over in his desk, turning to a book that was previously face down in front of him.

"Hey," Kakashi added. The attendant peered up from behind the book. "Is Masuyo Institute really as great as the rumors say?"

Suddenly, even the annoyed and drowsy look drained from the attendant's face, "Masuyo Institute is an amazing benefit to our community." Just as Kyoko before him, all emotion and personality was absent from the attendant. Kakashi and Sakura looked at each other uncomfortably. He continued monotonously, "Masuyo Institute is filled with master artisans in a variety of trades, ready to prepare potential apprentices for a lifetime of success." He paused then, and afterward, when the awareness seemed to return to his face, he looked up at Kakashi expectantly, somewhat annoyed about the question. "Anything else?" he asked.

"No. Thanks," Kakashi replied calmly.

Once Kakashi and Sakura left the building, Sakura had slipped her arm around Kakashi's and drew herself closer to him. She needed to speak to him quietly.

"He was just like Kyoko.”

Kakashi looked sternly ahead, jaw clenching a little bit as he swallowed, his discomfort on the matter showing. "Yeah, there's definitely something strange about this school."

"Do you think it's what I suggested yesterday-some sort of hypnosis jutsu?"

"I don't know what else it could be. The victims don't seem to be aware that it's happening-and even stranger, is that they continue on with their conversation as if it genuinely came from their own thoughts…" Kakashi pursed his lips, thinking hard. From his knowledge, there was no shinobi that used a jutsu like this-was it a kekkei genkai? And if so, _who_ was the inheritor and _from whom_ did he or she inherit it? The closest he could think of was the Saimin Dojutsu within the Uchiha clan, but even then, the victim had to be within visual range of the user. It just wasn't possible-there was no living Uchiha with that ability and how could the user be watching his victims at all times?

"Hey," Sakura cut in, breaking him from his thoughts, "We'll find out more. Don't worry."

Kakashi looked at her with an expression of slight defeat; he wasn't used to _not knowing_. "We're here for intel, that's why we're stationed here. The answers aren't supposed to be right in front of us."

"You're right," sighed Kakashi, shrugging his shoulders and dropping his head back to look at the sky.

"By the way," she asked, "since when did you get to pick which classes we took?"

"Sorry," he replied dismissively, "we just didn't talk about it before… and I figured it might look suspicious if we discussed it right in front of the attendant."

"Well," Sakura said with amusement, "I'm glad I got painting. Poetry?"

"Roses are red… violets are blue…" he started jokingly, "If Sakura-chan can paint, I can write poetry too." Sakura guffawed in response, to which Kakashi continued, "Sounds pretty good if you ask me."

* * *

The two of them returned to the main square arm-in-arm, walking a little closer than they regularly would, attempting to look extremely comfortable beside each other. They had a few objectives in the square: one, buy some materials for their class; two, make public appearances; three, purchase some groceries. For now, they felt that it was a little too early to be seeking employment, and figured that they should just start exposing themselves to the villagers first.

Just like the day before, the marketplace was bustling with sellers of all sorts of trades. There were a little more fall-themed flyers up informing villagers of the festival start time and the fireworks show. The two of them happened to pass a post with a flyer stapled to it; Kakashi glanced at the information while Sakura looked forward, distracted by all of the shopping around her. Her attention was soon caught by a nearby booth.

"Takashi, look!" she exclaimed, pulling his arm in the direction of a scarf booth. The seller had a display of all sorts of colors, knits, silks, tie dyes, lengths, etc. He followed behind her silently and complied with her tugging. Sakura was immediately running her fingers across all of the of scarves hanging above her, her hands catching and stalling on a long purple silken scarf. Kakashi watched her look at it longingly.

"Hello, beautiful lady!" the seller made her way around to the front of the booth. She was an elderly woman of short yet thin stature, but her posture was elegant, and her gray hair was knotted in a bun at the nape of her neck.

"Oh, hello," Sakura replied amiably, hands still clutching onto the purple scarf.

The seller smiled warmly, noticing Sakura's fixation on the item, "Silk from the Land of Forests, dyed from crushed violet flowers."

"It's so soft and pretty," Sakura cooed, still caressing it longingly.

"I hope you don't mind, but I think I've got two colors that might suit you better," she suggested kindly.

"Ah, no," Sakura let go of the fabric and smiled warmly, "When I see this, I think of my niece. She's got short black hair, and it would suit her..." she lied. She was thinking of Sarada, and was thinking of a way to send it to her.

"A gift, then?" the woman asked. Sakura nodded. "I haven't seen either of you here before," she said, looking back and forth between Kakashi and Sakura. "Are you travelers?"

"No," Kakashi replied politely, "We've just moved here from the Sand Village. We recently married and wanted to start our life anew."

"Oh, how exciting!" The woman then moved closer to grab both of Sakura's hands, "What a lovely couple the two of you are, certainly a sight for sore eyes in this village." Sakura blushed lightly in response. "Call me Fujiko," she requested with excitement.

"Fujiko-san," started Sakura, "I'm Haruna, and this is my husband Takashi Akiyama." She bowed respectfully.

"Haruna-san, Takashi-san," she smiled. "I'm pleased to meet you. Tell you what, pick any scarf you like."

"Oh no," Sakura protested, "We couldn't."

"Nonsense! I am old woman with few opportunities to do good. You're villagers now, which means I'll be seeing you a lot. Take it as a wedding gift from an old humble merchant."

Sakura returned her eyes to the purple scarf, and then looked at Kakashi who was smirking at her with a raised eyebrow. He figured that the dark-haired niece was indeed Sarada. She smiled softly back at him, eyeing his lips, his jaw, his neck. And then a thought crossed her--she looked back at the purple scarf. Beside it was a thicker burnt-orange scarf. She tugged at the orange scarf to remove it, and then reached for the purple one.

"Orange?" Fujiko asked, "For you?"

"No," Sakura replied, shaking her head as she grinned. "For my husband," she turned her head then to make eye contact with Kakashi. He looked surprised yet began to smile warmly.

Fujiko turned to Kakashi then to comment, "What a sweet thing you've married," she chuckled, taking the scarves from Sakura's hands to begin wrapping them in a bundle."

"But Fujiko-san," Sakura interrupted. Fujiko looked up at her and stopped her movements. "I'd like to purchase the purple one from you. For my niece."

Fujiko smiled again in Kakashi's direction, adding to her previous comments, "And a generously humble one too."

Kakashi chuckled politely in response, "I'm certainly a lucky man."

Sakura fumbled in her purse to take out her money, retrieving some bills to hand to her. Meanwhile, Fujiko was bagging the bundled scarves into a gift bag.

"Here you are," Fujiko said as she handed the bag to Sakura. "Stop by to say hello sometime. I'd love to see you wearing the scarves!"

"Of course," Sakura offered, bowing again as she retrieved the bag. Kakashi flashed a tiny wave as the two of them began to walk away. "Until next time… thank you!"

Fujiko waved as they left, Sakura's arm finding its place again around Kakashi's.

"Well, aren't you the sweetest thing?" Kakashi joked lightly, "For me?"

"Oh don't feel too flattered," she teased. "I just thought how cold your neck must be after hiding beneath that mask for so long."

"I am a little chilly," Kakashi admitted with a chuckle. "It's autumn, after all."

"That," she paused before concluding playfully, "and I told you that you'd have to hide your neck."

* * *

 By the time they returned home, it was about noon and neither of them had eaten. Sakura had jiggled the key into the door and pushed it open. Kakashi followed behind her, carrying a bunch of bags in each hand. For the first time, Kakashi understood what it meant to shop with a woman-he'd heard all sorts of things, but had never quite experienced it himself. Sakura walked towards the dining table and stood beside it, eyeing Kakashi expectantly, waiting for him to put the bags down.

As soon as he did, her hands were digging within them, pulling out all sorts of decorations and living necessities for their studio. Kakashi watched her with amusement. _Never get in the way of a woman who's nesting_ , he thought to himself. Sakura was doing just that--trying to figure out a way to make this place seem more like home. But as his stomach gurgled, he approached the table to join her, his hands digging into bags full of produce, bread, rice, and fish. He decided to put the groceries away and whip up a meal for them.

Sakura, on the other hand, didn't quite know where to start. She had bought cute scalloped green blinds for their "bedroom" window. She had bought a crocheted table runner for their dining table. She had bought two towels, a pink one and a gray one, two multicolored rugs for the bathroom and their bedside, and even a little yellow-glazed ceramic vase to put fresh flowers in--which she also bought from the market. At first, Kakashi had protested the amount of purchases, but Sakura argued that these items would not only bring her some happiness, but it would give them more opportunities to meet the villagers. To that, he conceded.

In a separate bag were their materials for classes. Sakura had bought some paints, brushes, and paper to practice on. Although Sai had provided her with plenty of chakra-infused canvasses, and although he would be sending more, he had taught her the basics of painting. She figured that she should try it out anyway to make the sudden growth seem more realistic. There were also some calligraphy brushes and ink pots for Kakashi, in addition to a heavy-bound notebook for him to practice in.

Admittedly, Sakura was just a little _too_ excited for this mission. And as she placed one item here, and moved another one elsewhere, Sakura could smell the ambient scent of vegetables and fish filling the air.

She stopped, "Mmm!" Turning her attention to Kakashi, she walked over to check out his activities. "Looks delicious."

"Would you mind setting the table for us?" he asked.

"Sure," and Sakura was off. She removed all of the bags from the table and had placed them beside the couch, then retrieved two plates and chopstick sets from the cabinets. She set them on opposite sides of the table with their brand new crocheted table runner between them and a vase of white roses set in the middle. Soon enough, Kakashi was approaching with the pan, ready to drop piping hot fish and vegetables onto their plates.

When the two of them sat, Kakashi rested his arm on the table and placed his cheek in his palm. "Well, someone had fun at the markets today."

Sakura closed her eyes as she chewed and looked pleased, "I did. Doesn't the place look at least a _little_ cozier now?"

Kakashi chuckled as he nodded, also taking a bite of the food. "It does. It's cute."

She smiled triumphantly, eating quietly.

"So, the purple scarf," he started, "how will you send it to Sarada-chan?"

"I already figured it out," she stated, "When we see Sasuke, I'm going to send it back with him."

"Smart," he concluded, noticing that--for once--Sakura didn't seem to be upset at the mention of her husband. He was reminded then of the last time Sasuke came up in conversation, when he suggested that Sakura knew little of romance, and how upset she looked for a moment as she thought about it in silence. He remembered his promise too--to give her some of the experiences that Sasuke didn't give her--at least, while they were _playing_ the role of husband and wife.

And so, Kakashi thought of the flyer at the square. The fall festival. The fireworks that would happen later that night.

"Hey, Sakura?" Kakashi asked softly.

"Hm?" She looked up from her plate as she chewed.

"The fall festival is tonight. There'll be fireworks." Kakashi started feeling a little nervous; unwelcomed butterflies fluttering within him.

"Oh, right. Kyoko mentioned it yesterday." Her eyes lit up as he mentioned it, and although she seemed excited, his nervousness didn't dissipate.

"And…" he started lowly, displaying a false sense of confidence, reaching for a flower in the vase, pulling it out and holding it out towards Sakura, "I was wondering if _my wife_ would like to go on a date with me to the festival." He smirked slightly, his eyes a little low and lazy. No blush crossed his face, but he certainly felt warm.

From Sakura's view, the look Kakashi was giving her was reminiscent of the view she had from the fireplace in the woods--no mask, a slight curve of the lips, his face rested upon his palm, head tilted slightly to the right. He was just so handsome, she admitted to herself. Feeling the pink dust her cheeks, and the giddiness forming in her chest, she gave a little scoff with a genuine grin.

She remembered: _"I think,"_ he'd said by the fire, _"If you've never experienced a real date before, I'd like to at least give you some of those experiences."_

And how could she say no to his smile?

"It's a date then," she replied happily, Kakashi's smirk turning into a grin of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! I particularly enjoyed writing the intro section-Sakura's reflection. Lots of movement and conversation in this chapter. Until next time!


	16. Almost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Hello again! I have been feeling extra motivated lately-not only by all of your kind comments/reviews, but 100 followers, and 10,000 views. What?! I suppose in comparison to other fanfics, that's not a lot, but I honestly thought like 10 people maximum would read this, and so to see a whole bunch of people saying that they need more is craziness to me! Also, I'm excited to finally be heading towards the meaty sections of my story. I'm sure you've noticed. Sometimes, I publish once a week. Other times, I'm too busy and can't publish for two weeks. Three updates in the same week! Who am I?
> 
> Original Response to lulu42: Thank you so much! You had a lot in your reviews and I'm definitely appreciative. I'd like to address some of it. I battle a lot with myself over scenes that seem sort of cliche and common-sometimes I wonder if they are absolutely avoidable; other times, I conclude that they're not and only hope to at least add my spin on them. Today is probably one of those days. You're right, the drama is sort of inevitable-there are so many kakasaku fics out there that I'm sure every scenario (especially the smutty romantic ones) have been done before. We all have this constructed image of a sexy dominating Kakashi-how many other directions can we go in? Haha! I am certainly glad that my other insights about these common exchanges are adding depth. I also have seen other stories with slower pacing and so I'm trying to find a balance. No, I have never written fanfiction before-ever. I have a degree in English Literature though and so I've read a lot of fiction. That doesn't necessarily mean I would be a good writer, but I would hope that my exposure to a lot of literature can help shape who I become as my own writer. I've liked Kakashi since like Episode 2 of Naruto, but my ship with Sakura didn't really kick off until the end of Shippuden and the start to Boruto (especially due to Sasuke's absence). In fact, I didn't even really start thinking about relationships throughout Shippuden until the supposed "happily ever after" and it suddenly hit me that KakaSaku would work together. Anyway, I hope that my story doesn't end up becoming a disappointment! I'm trying! I have a plan for the arts school (maybe that's my humanities bias), but I might have to admit that developing the technical parts of the mission could be my weakness. I'm discovering that everything that isn't relationship building is a bit difficult for me. We're probably transitioning away from pure honeymoon phase very soon.

A few days had passed since the fall festival. The two of them had begun to make their rounds around town, introducing themselves to various villagers and engaging in small talk. Sakura felt that it was time to start looking for work to make themselves look as though they were assimilating into the life of this village. Right now, they were still in the relational building phase of their mission. Sasuke had not reached out to them for a meeting, and honestly they had little to report. But classes would be starting soon, and the two of them were busy trying to come up with something presentable enough to warrant enrollment at an art school.

It was a little after 1 PM and Kakashi was spread across the couch. One foot resting on the armrest at the end of the couch, and his other leg was raised, crossing over the bent one. The arm on the outer side of the couch was tucked behind his head, while the other arm held an Icha Icha book open. Sakura had left for the morning--it turned out that Fujiko had sneakily places a rolled up pastel yellow scarf into the bag for Sakura, and Sakura felt the absolute need to go and thank her. Sakura also felt that she wanted to talk to other villagers more, make herself visible, and seek out any potential seeds for employment. Kakashi had offered to go with her, but she insisted in going to alone; she wanted to have solo appearances throughout their time and not look like a married couple that were attached to the hip. She felt that that was more abnormal than a little bit of independence. He agreed.

Since she left, Kakashi decided to revel in this alone time. He wasn't annoyed with Sakura's constant presence--quite the opposite actually--but he figured that they wouldn't have as much alone time as they were used to. So he lay on the couch, attempting to catch up with his favorite reading, but no matter how many times his eyes moved across the same sentence, he couldn't focus on the words. Kakashi dropped the book on his chest and sighed, running his now free hand through his silvery bangs.

He couldn't stop thinking about _that night_.

He couldn't stop thinking about Sakura, sitting at the dining table, applying light makeup and fixing her hair a little; it was the thought that she was readying herself for him, even if it was for appearances. He couldn't stop thinking about the chunky light beige knitted sweater with her white pants; Sakura had decided to wear the creamy light yellow scarf to compliment her outfit. He considered if watching someone get ready for a date took the magic away, but felt the opposite--it seemed to make his nervousness flutter.

He couldn't stop thinking about the moment that Sakura's grasp slid down his forearm to weave her fingers through his and the comfortable look that she wore on her face. They were just about to approach the main square where the festival was being held; the look of surprise hid beneath the loosely wrapped orange scarf around his neck. He considered then how he had teased her about being uncomfortable with physical closeness, and how in reality it was he who became unsettled by it. He thought about the glances of other villagers as they walked past the booths--Sakura, who was taking in her surroundings, thinking of what to eat, buy, or play, was completely oblivious to both of the men and women who continuously looked in their direction.

He couldn't stop thinking about her adorable laugh at the play booths and the ridiculously strong desire he had to win something for her. Kakashi declared that he would win her a fish, and when he didn't due to his own nervousness, she giggled and teased him for it, a hint of pink on her cheeks as she smiled. He thought about her funny pout when they concluded that she shouldn't play the "break-the-glass" game due to her monster strength. Instead, he offered to play for her, and he had won her a small pink teddy bear. The smile of gratitude she gave was breathtaking.

There was something about her in all of these moments. Or was it him? He couldn't help but wonder about what was happening between them. Was it real? Her blushes, her smiles, her giddiness. He felt all of it--the supposed authenticity of it--and he knew that he was returning all of those soft looks and smiles to her. They held hands the entire night that they walked. That had to have been by choice--right? Not just because of appearances… Kakashi shook his head and closed his eyes. He placed his fingers on his forehead and sighed deeply. _It couldn't be_ , he told himself--forcing himself to purge all of these thoughts. Sakura was Sakura. She was married to Sasuke, someone who was equally important to him as she was. Kakashi and Sakura had been friends for years. It had to be for the sake of the mission… right?

Again, he pulled himself away from those thoughts. It just couldn't be. Sakura had loved Sasuke for so many years. She was his wife, the mother of his child. And so he told himself that, even though he was experiencing all of these strange emotions for Sakura, he had to suppress it. His feelings for Sakura were wrong, and he began to feel immense guilt because he thought that _simply feeling these things_ were already enough of a betrayal to Sasuke. And as much as he was currently focused on Sakura's well being, he still cared for the wellbeing of Sasuke too.

But then he remembered the two of them sitting on the bench, watching the fireworks zoom and boom past the clearing of trees and bamboo into the dark sky. Sakura was sitting so close to him--so warm against him in the cold air--his arm around her, her hand holding onto the teddy bear and her head resting on his shoulder. Sakura must've been a great actress because she certainly could have fooled anyone--she was even fooling him. And by some strange pull of the moment, Kakashi turned her head to look down at her. Her body didn't move, but her head shifted to return his look, chin now resting on the top of his shoulder. His heartbeat could have matched the intensity of the exploding fireworks; her face was just so close, and she looked up at him warmly, eyes open, full of affection and emotion. He figured that he must've given her the same look, except he was looking down, his eyes hooded, but his lips stretched into a light smile.

Her lips were parted, he felt her breath on his own lips, and he swore that the smallest of movements would have resulted in a kiss. Soon, he saw her own eyes fluttering, her eyelids drooping down, and her sight fixating on his lips. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought that both of them were feeling a strange electricity in that moment, both of them wanting to kiss each other, but both of them frozen, thinking: _should they continue? Was it real? Was it an act?_ Yet after he posed these questions to himself, Kakashi would justify their behavior. _We're on a mission. We're supposed to act like this--right?_

But then, the pop and fizzle of the fireworks finale shocked them out of their moment. They both turned their heads away from each other, bodies still close, Kakashi deciding that maybe that was for the better. He remembered how strange his chest felt- _it was longing, desire, confusion, happiness._ All at once. He had never felt the desire of wanting something he knew he shouldn't have but could have--until that moment. He saw it in her face--Sakura wouldn't have stopped him.

Afterwards, the two of them pretended like that moment didn't happen--because Kakashi still couldn't decide if it was real or if he was imagining all of those things--projecting his own stirred feelings for Sakura onto her actions. But in thinking about that moment, he felt the same tightness in his chest-- _this_ was different from all of the romantic interactions that he'd had in the past; those interactions were sexually driven and he knew that they'd be temporary. Given his reputation, it wasn't particularly difficult for him to attract other women-the women came to him.

He couldn't deny that now he was starting to want something he couldn't have, and with that admission came a wave of slight bitterness. _Sasuke_ . If Sasuke had been around more often, Sakura wouldn't have been so unhappy in Konoha. If Sasuke was making Sakura happy, Naruto wouldn't have felt the need to send her out on missions, and if she wasn't on this mission, he might not have started having feelings for Sakura. He wouldn't be feeling _the torture of almost_ having what he was missing from his life-the very things he was missing from his _real_ life in Konoha.

 _Damn it_ , he thought to himself, grunting loudly once before covering his eyes with his arm, knowing that he couldn't really blame Sasuke for all of it; after all, it was _he_ who felt these inappropriate feelings for Sakura. But… he selfishly started thinking… would Sasuke do all the things that Kakashi had been doing for her? Did he have it in him to cook her dinner, take her out on dates, make her laugh, make her smile? But did it matter? He was her husband. She chose him.

Groaning loudly, he had to stop himself from going back and forth, from justifying his feelings to feeling immense guilt about it. He didn't know what to do about his conflict, but he knew that continuously ruminating on it wasn't doing him any good. And so he picked up the book and attempted again to read the words on the page, begging himself for a distraction.

_Takeshi shut the door behind him, staring intently at the woman who was waiting in anticipation for him. "Ayame," he called out darkly, his eyes lowering as soon as he saw his prized princess sitting on the bed, her expression of need beckoning him to come closer._

Kakashi imagined Sakura's figure on the bed. He shook his head roughly and continued reading.

_He advanced slowly, seeing the blood rise to her cheeks and her breathing start to hitch. Ayame's loose yukata started to rustle off of her shoulder as she placed a hand in front of her on the mattress. Takeshi thought he'd lose his mind when he saw her needy eyes, and as he approached, he began to loosen his own garments, revealing his bare chest to her._

Kakashi could only hear Sakura's staggered breathing by the campfire. He sighed sharply, feeling a tightness forming down below.

_Takeshi placed a hand on the bed as Ayame whimpered his name. "Takeshi," she whispered with a tremble, "I've been waiting for you to come back."_

_He pulled himself onto the bed, moving to hover over her as Ayame willingly began to lean backwards, ready to receive exactly what she had been waiting for in his absence. Her yukata unfurled further, exposing the crevice between her breasts and drawing a bare leg to him as in invitation. The hand on the bed was now sliding up her leg, past her knee, grasping roughly onto the soft flesh of her thigh. She gasped audibly, bringing his face right in front of her, their lips hardly a breath away from each other._

Kakashi imagined his hand sliding down Sakura's forearm before lacing his fingers through hers, and the shock that it had produced from her when he did it. His own hand moved lower, fingers grazing over the hardness that had formed beneath his loose pants before pushing down on it with his palm. He let out a long labored sigh.

_"I've been waiting for this too," he said roughly, grabbing onto her ass and laying himself directly above her. He pushed himself onto her, allowing her to feel his desire, eliciting a loud moan from her mouth. "Shhh…." he instructed her through his grunt, "Your attendants might hear you…"_

And then he shut the book along with his eyes. He felt himself straining in his pants, but the guilt was returning tenfold. The book that had offered him an escape for years was now assisting in his dilemma; the Princess had suddenly taken the shape and form of Sakura in his imagination, and he couldn't allow it. He felt like he would be reducing her to another one of those women, the ones that he entertained for his pleasure and release, and he didn't want that. He respected her too much. Kakashi grunted one more time in frustration and tossed his book onto the ground. He couldn't do that-he _refused_ to touch himself, not to the thought of her-his partner, his friend, someone else's wife, an important someone's wife. And so, he lifted himself off of the couch and began peeling his clothes off as he made his way toward the bathroom. He needed a cold shower… and then afterward, he was going to cook, write poetry for this mission, something-something, anything, _anything_ that wasn't _this_.

* * *

 

When Sakura returned home a few hours later, she opened the door excitedly calling out for Kakashi. Kakashi looked up from the table, which had a spread of papers, his notebook, and some pencils; beside the flower vase was Sarada's scarf and a little red stationery set. He looked like he was trying to come up with some poems. "Welcome home," he said coolly behind his mask, seemingly unaffected by her arrival, wiggling a pencil in his hand.

Although Kakashi had just been incredibly bothered by thoughts of Sakura, surprisingly, he realized, that Sakura's presence was just the distraction he needed. Being herself, making him laugh, talking to him-all of these things served as a method of not thinking, because it seemed to him that his worst enemy in this situation was to be alone with his own thoughts.

"Guess what," she exclaimed, pulling up a chair and sitting in front of him. Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"When I went back to thank Fujiko for her gift, she asked me about why we moved here and how we planned to survive. I mean, I wasn't planning to ask her for work or anything, but I told her honestly that you and I were planning to figure it out." Sakura was fiddling with her thumbs excitedly as she explained her story. Kakashi remained looking at her with some interest. "And then she said that wouldn't do, and that she could offer me some work. She said she was too old to crush flowers and dye all of these scarves!"

"Wow, nice. That takes a load off of your shoulders," Kakashi responded, seeing the relief in her face.

"Yeah," she responded energetically, leaning back into the chair and tucking a pink lock behind her ear. "And that's not all!" She quickly leaned forward again and reached out to grab his hand holding onto the pencil. "She said she was friends with the local butcher and that he is looking for help!"

Kakashi seemed a little surprised. "Oh," he said as enthusiastically as he could, his attention focused on the hand that grasped his, "that's great."

Sakura started to pout a little but didn't let go. "You don't want the job?"

"No, no, that's not it," he stated apologetically. "Sorry, I've been trying to write a poem and it's just a little frustrating. I've never done this before."

Sakura smiled in response, "What do you have so far?" She let go of his hand then, and then took hold of the notebook to drag it in her direction. Kakashi's face grew warm in embarrassment as he sat up straight and looked away.

" _In the dim of the night,_ " Sakura read aloud slowly, leaning over the table, " _and the dark corners of my mind, the only light I see is you…_ " Sakura then leaned back with eyes slightly widened.

"I know," he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. "It's stupid. Cliche."

"No," she said dismissively, a hint of surprise in her voice. "It's pretty good, especially for your first poem."

"Thanks," he responded shyly, seemingly unsure. Sakura could see a hint of his nervousness manifesting beneath his mask.

"No really," she encouraged, smiling. "I like the deep stuff anyway. _Roses are red, violets are blue_ wasn't cutting it for you." She pushed the notebook back in his direction.

Kakashi took the notebook and closed it, sighing. "Anyway," he said, "It's not important right now. Tell me more about the jobs you found us." He put an elbow onto the table and waited for her to speak.

"Well, I don't know too much about your job, but I know that the shop owner's name is Zenhichi-san, and I think that he's a little off of the main square towards the back side."

"Hmm," Kakashi mused, rubbing his chin. His seriousness seemed to be melting away through Sakura's company. "A butcher, huh?"

"Yup," she smiled, "It's perfect for you and your neck." The two of them laughed a little and then relaxed against their chairs. "So when you have the chance, talk to Fujiko-san so that she can tell you about it."

He nodded, "What about yours?"

"I'm going to start next week," she said while imagining it. "Fujiko wanted me to get settled in first and start class. I'm sort of excited. When have we ever had such seemingly normal lives and jobs?"

"True," he said with a chuckle, starting to pull back on his chair, "Hungry?"

She looked up at him as he stood up. "I could eat," she replied, "But are you sure you want to cook? I can do it. You've cooked every meal for us so far."

"I don't mind," he said as he approached the counters to go through their goods. "I can do this for us every day. I actually enjoy it. Besides, you were the one who went out today and found us work."

She stared at his back for a moment before accepting, thinking about how she should make him breakfast or something soon. "Okay, well, I don't mind cooking for us either, so you just let me know."

She turned back to the table and reached for the notebook and pen. With the other hand, she grabbed the scarf and stationery set. She pushed herself off of the chair and headed towards the couch, intent on using the notebook as a hard surface to write on. Nuzzling into the couch, she lifted her leg up to use as a backboard for the notebook, and tucked the other leg beneath it. Sakura unwrapped the letter paper of the stationary and put it upon the notebook. She began to write:

_Dear Sarada,_

_Kakashi-sama and I have finally arrived at our mission location and it wasn't at all what we imagined. It's colorful, lively, and the people are so friendly. I hope that I can take you here someday, when it's safe, and the two of us could go shopping at the markets together. They have so many cute things here, and it makes me miss you so much._

_The trip itself wasn't so bad. Kakashi is a funny person to travel with, believe it or not. It took us about a week and a half since we had to walk slow, but we made it, and now we're settling into our temporary apartment._

Kakashi had noticed that Sakura had fallen quiet behind him. He turned his to look behind him, holding a pot and a spoon in his hands. "Sakura?" he asked, finding her seated upon the couch, intently writing on his notebook.

"Yeah?" she asked, looking up from behind it. She was biting her lip and focusing, but she looked pleased with whatever she was doing.

"I just noticed that you were quiet. What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm finally writing that letter to Sarada-chan," she replied in a cheery tone.

"Oh, tell her I said hello in it." Satisfied with the reasons for her silence, he returned to his task.

_Right now, Kakashi is cooking dinner for us and he asked me to tell you hello for him. A week ago, there was a fall festival with fireworks-I wish you could have been there with us. I remembered all of the things we used to do when you were small._

_Today, I found a nice lady who offered me a job dyeing and selling scarves. I bought one for you. It's purple, and I hope you like it. The moment I saw it, I thought of you and your black hair, and how cute you would be in it. I hope you'll wear it while I'm gone, especially as the months get colder. I plan to send it back with your papa, so I hope you receive it soon. Is everything going well at Hinata-san's house? Are you eating? Are you keeping up with your studies?_

_Anyway, I'm starting to run out of space. I just wanted to let you know that we made it. Thank you again, Sarada, for being understanding and allowing me to go on this mission. So far, everything has been safe and I've been enjoying myself. I feel young again, and I feel happy. The only thing that's missing is you._

_Be good. I love you always,_

_Mama_

Sakura sighed, her lips resting into a light smile as she re-read her letter and signed it with a heart. Satisfied, she folded it up and placed it into the cute red envelope with flower stickers, then, she tucked it behind the ribbon that was holding the rolled up purple scarf into place. Sakura grinned looking at her love package before putting it onto the small coffee table in front of her, feeling content.

At that time, Kakashi brought a tray over holding two bowls. Sakura looked up at him as he slowly lowered himself onto the couch while balancing the tray. When he sat, the tray rested on his knees. "Here," he said softly, urging her to take one of the bowls.

Sakura stretched her neck forward to peer onto the tray before exclaiming excitedly, "Udon!"

"Yeah," Kakashi said with a smirk as he watched her hastily grab one of the bowls with one of the napkins he had brought over.

"Itadakimaaaaaasu!" she said before taking her chopsticks. "Thank you, we haven't had udon since our last training together in Konoha."

"You're welcome," he chuckled, happy to see Sakura so excited to have one of her recent favorite meals.

"Are you done with your letter?" he asked.

Sakura nodded with chopsticks leading noodles towards her mouth. "And I hope we see Sasuke soon too," she added. Kakashi felt a brief moment of heaviness until she concluded her thought, "so that I can make him take it to her."

He said nothing in response, only lowered his mask to begin eating.

"What did you do while I was gone?" she asked in between chews, looking up at him from the side of her eyes as she ate.

"Hmm..." he began after he swallowed a bite, thinking about what he should reveal to her. "Just some light reading. Maybe some naps and then a shower."

"Sounds relaxing. Don't you ever get tired of reading Icha Icha? There hasn't been a new one for years and you've been reading the same ones over and over again."

"Never," he lied jokingly. He wasn't about to tell her that he would have to stop reading it because of her.

"What do you like about it?" she asked.

"What's not to like?"

"I mean, the first one was pretty interesting I guess, but I can't imagine it having the same effect after reading it over and over again."

Kakashi considered Sakura's statement for a moment, "So… are you saying you were affected?"

Her eyes widened and a blush spread across her cheeks, "You know what I mean!"

He laughed. "Well what did you like most about it?"

"I'm not telling-you're just going to turn it into something perverted," she huffed.

"I won't, I promise. I really am curious."

"Well, I dunno…" she began. "I guess it's nice to read about how they're so in love and passionate about each other, even if the odds are against them." He listened intently. "I like how, even though they have to keep their relationship a secret, they don't give up. And Takeshi seems to really pay attention to her, you know? Tell me one thing… does she ever leave that prince that she's being forced to marry? Do they end up together?"

Kakashi laughed in response, "I would never give up a spoiler… You'll just have to keep reading."

"Maybe I will," she concluded with a huff, slurping up the last of her noodles before putting her bowl down on the coffee table. "Aahhhh, delicious. You're the best."

"I've been told," he responded, doing the very same as she.

"This must be how you attract women," she teased.

"Women?" he asked. Since his arms were now free, he leaned back against the couch and put his arm across the back rest-not totally around Sakura, but near her, above her.

"You know," Sakura said, eyes bright. She tucked both of her legs underneath her on the couch. " _How do you think I got those women into my bed,_ " she continued in a low mocking tone. She was teasing him.

Kakashi laughed at the tone of her voice. "Is that what I sound like?"

"Definitely," she smiled raising an eyebrow and nudging him with her elbow.

"That doesn't sound very seductive," he chuckled again.

"It wasn't," she lied, crossing her arms. "After all, it didn't work on me."

Kakashi smiled as he stared at her, showing no real indication of doubt, but in his mind, all he could think was, _are you sure?_ Again, he imagined briefly how her breath hitched at his voice.

But then she continued, "But all _this_? Teasing girls with your face, winning teddy bears, taking them to see fireworks, writing poetry, cooking for them? That must be how you do it."

He laughed again, something within him triggered, a playful line that he instinctively crossed without thinking about it. "No," he said, lowering his voice, drawing himself closer to her in the same way he did by the fire.

The moment that deeper sound slipped passed his mouth, she knew they were re-entering that dangerous playful territory again. She instinctively felt latent excitement.

"Only _special women_ get that treatment…" he continued, voice growing lower still. "The other women… those women come for me." By the time those last words left his mouth, his lips were beside her ear, and the hair on the back of her neck was rising. There was a heated chill that shot through her spine, the familiar feeling of his seductive voice pooling and collecting into her chest.

 _Do I want to keep going?_ She asked herself again through her shivers, remembering that she vowed to get him back for teasing her like she was a little girl. But she already knew the answer. The truth was that she had been sort of waiting to hear him speak like that again. And she knew what he was doing-he was going to try and tease her.

"Really?" she asked, equally low, keeping her playful voice up while smirking a little. Her hands left her lap and both of them moving to hold herself up in the space between them. She leaned in his direction. This surprised him, and it caused him to move his head backwards. "I can't at all see why they would do that."

"I don't know," Kakashi replied with a playfully feigned ignorance, his eyes hooded as he looked at her, curious about her advance and what she was playing at. "You seemed to like what you saw underneath the mask. Perhaps they wanted to see what you saw too."

"Maybe," she said, almost as a whisper, still smirking. She brought herself closer, and suddenly swung a leg over his lap and hovered herself over him. "But like you implied, _I'm special._ "

Instinctively, Kakashi leaned back into the couch and Sakura's hands landed on his shoulders to hold herself above him. _What the hell was she doing?_ Although he was somewhat shocked, his eyes remained low, the smirk still plastered on his face beneath the mask, his hands settling on the couch beside him, but aching to touch something. But then she started sliding her hands past his neck, slowly, tantalizing-her eyes just as low as his, hair pink hair unfurling over her shoulders, her lips parted. Before he knew it, her fingers were curling underneath his mask and pulling it downward and dropping it, exposing his neck to the cold air. She was drawing her face towards him, and he, with all his might, had to focus on not getting an erection when he had a beautiful woman-the particular woman that he was pining for earlier-holding herself right above the place he needed the most release.

His chin was tilted upward as her face lowered over his, and his breathing was growing rough. He was losing this battle. "Sakura," he said quietly, voice strained. "What are you doing…?"

She heard what she wanted to hear. _Victory_. She had him and she knew it. She drew herself closer still to his face, holding his face in place with her hands as she lowered herself towards his lips. She felt the power in her hands, yet the slow pleasurable burn radiating between her legs.

"I don't know," she replied seductively, "After all, _what do I know about romance?_ " And with every word that left her mouth, her lips moved against his, just lightly grazing it, and then she smiled.

This is when he realized it: she definitely was playing with him, making fun of him and what he did to her by the fire pit in the woods. But this, this was _too_ much. It was much _too soon_ after he refused to deal with his "problem" on the couch earlier. It was much _too reminiscent_ about the kiss they almost shared during the fall festival.

And so, he decided to take control. He had to stop her. He couldn't allow this, and besides, he knew that he had more experience with these kinds of games.

His hands shot up, one rest on the small of her back, and the other brought up to lightly grasp the hair at the nape of her neck, painlessly tugging her head away from his and causing her to tilt her neck back. He simultaneously moved his back off of the couch and moved his chest forward, pushing her whole body backwards, causing her legs to lower and sit on his lap. She was straddling him now, and he knew that she could _feel_ what she'd done to him when she lowered onto him and gasped. But her eyes didn't change, instead, he saw them turn into a look of submission, and he saw her cheeks flare. And when he looked straight into her eyes, it was almost like looking into the memory of the fire pit. The heat was reflected there. It was _that night_ that started this: his stupid actions, a joke gone too far and allowed them to cross boundaries like this. He realized then that the night by the fire pit would follow them forever-it had permanently changed their relationship with each other. And although his own desire for her had been clouding his judgment, he _knew this to be true with absolute clarity_.

"Fuck," he muttered, burying his mouth into her neck and biting her flesh roughly as he leaned forward, unintentionally causing his hardness to push onto her core, causing more desire to rush through him.

Her exhale was strong and staggered as her mouth dropped open; she was by no means hiding that she was turned on. All he could see and think was _the fire... the fire._ It was consuming his body, her body, their relationship.

"Sakura," he spoke deeply and powerfully, his voice causing strange and intense tingles that were shooting down her spine. "Don't play with fire unless you want to get burned," he warned, indicating something wicked, freeing his hand to grab both of her wrists and hold it behind her.

This caused her to lean back even further, and push down on his hardened length even more. She whimpered, and began to bite her lip. And then he roughly moved her onto the couch to hover over her, his knee rising and wedging in the space between her legs, her body clearly engulfed in her own passionate needs. She peered down at his hardened length, which was straining through his pants, and her eyebrows furrowed.

Following her gaze, Kakashi lowered himself next to her ear. Tightening the hold on her wrists, he warned her as if it were a threat for their future, "We both know you don't want that."

Suddenly, he hastily pushed himself off of the couch and walked somewhat angrily towards the bathroom. She propped herself up on her arms, trying to gain her wits about her, and watched him retreat into the bathroom, sliding, almost slamming the door shut behind him. She heard the water start to run.

Sakura was frozen yet breathing heavily. _What just happened?_ She asked herself, still hazy from the moment. _What did I just do?_ But despite her questions, she felt that her whole body would combust at any moment-and the burn that she was feeling was more intense than anything she'd ever felt before. She realized that she had never been more turned on in her entire life, not even with Sasuke. And although that frightened her, she was hardly even thinking about it. All she knew was that behind that door, with the light peeking through the frame acting embers of their own, Kakashi was most likely pleasing himself to the thoughts of her--he had to be after what just happened.

She considered a moment when on earth she became _so immoral_ , getting turned on by another man who _wasn't_ Sasuke-her _husband_ -with thoughts like this _._ But the inferno she felt in her core would not go away; it was begging for something was wasn't available to her-or, _shouldn't_ be available to her by any means and was-if she'd just make the choice. Lost in the haze, she found herself considering her options in this moment; she had never felt this kind of torture- _of almost_ having something she wanted and desperately needed, but knowing that she couldn't or shouldn't have it.

Tears start to form on the rims of her eyes--but not from sadness--from all of her senses absolutely overwhelming her. To some degree, there was a level of guilt. She recognized that she didn't want Sasuke in this moment; he was hardly in her mind at all. But she also felt pent up sexual frustration of all these days and nights of physical closeness. Kakashi had never _really_ made a move on her, but he was so sweet, so attentive to her, but so undeniably sexy--as if he had an entirely separate persona from the Kakashi she _thought_ she knew--and it was the mixture of his affection and newfound raw manliness that caused her to want Kakashi _this_ badly. And as Sakura lay on the couch, almost panting, she felt all of those conflicting desires manifesting itself into a tight trapped feeling in her throat: a cry of confusion, a groan for her frustration, and a whimper of pleasure.

Sakura couldn't hold it in any longer, and she didn't care to. Her mind was beyond rational thought; so she threw her head back, and dug her hand into her panties knowing that Kakashi was doing _absolutely the same thing_ to himself behind that sliding door.

"Kakashi," she said quietly as she let out a small moan, reaching the place that she needed to touch most.

 _I'm sorry_ , is what she wanted to call out, unable to audibly finish her sentence as her fingers swirled the thoughts of her plight _far, far away_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: That was probably unexpected for all of you. It certainly was for me. I mean, I knew this was coming, but I didn't know it was going to be now nor did I know exactly how it was going to come out. However, it has a purpose. I'm not putting it in here for the sake of angsty smut; in fact, I think sex is a huge part of romantic relationships, and so therefore, sexy times will just be one mode of plot development. As you can see, I brought a lot of elements from other chapters in here too; I personally love symbolic motifs. And this scene is going to play a huge role when Sasuke shows up. Don't worry. Things won't stay weird between Kakashi and Sakura. They'll talk about it in the morning like clear-headed adults.


	17. Blurred Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: A/N: Sorry for taking so long! Honestly, I was sitting on 5000 words for at least a week, not totally pleased, but too busy to make any steady progress. Anyway, of course, more missions stuff means less couple-y stuff, which is what the last few chapters have really consisted of. I'll probably need to be alternating here and there, so it won't be as fluffy as often as you might be used to in this story. So, in the last chapter, I had a bit of a climactic peak going on, and now there'll be a little bit of a tension drop, BUT the scenes have a later purpose... and it'll come full circle at some point.
> 
> Animagirl: I really liked that perspective, "her [Sarada's] father is a prisoner of his past while her mother is a prisoner of her obligations." I couldn't have explained it better-very concise.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for the reviews! I've really recognized that it’s all of your interest that keeps me writing this story. I'm surprised at myself for sticking to it, but when I come back and see new comments, I tell myself that I started this and need to end it. Even I get upset when I find a fanfic I like only to discover it wasn't completed. Here's to trying my best not to do that.

When Sakura awoke, she was laying on the bed, tucked relatively tightly underneath their light pale yellow sheets, pillows beside her as if to barricade her from feeling as though she was sleeping alone. She slowly opened her eyes, blinking absently in thought of the night before, thinking about the events that must've transpired for her to be here.

When Kakashi walked out of the bathroom last night, he didn't look at her when she sat up. He walked quietly towards the door-eyes unreadable, face uncovered but indifferent as she had seen him many times before in their past-and he put on his shoes before exiting their apartment. She didn't say anything when he left. She watched the door close, unsure if she should say anything, but also unsure if silence was the best answer. At the time, she didn't know what to say-her little play at revenge had gone too far and it had affected both of them. But even though Kakashi was not present, she felt that removing herself from the couch would seemingly belittle what had happened-as though moving away from that spot would signify that she was over it and no longer troubled.

That idea was silly, she knew, but she couldn't bring herself to leave the couch. So instead, she lay down again, feet towards the door, waiting for Kakashi to get back, even if she didn't know what she should do when he returned. She stared ahead blankly, looking straight at the bathroom door yet not registering its image. If there was any time that Kakashi and Sakura needed space, it was now. She thought how nice it would have been for them to be able to retreat to their own homes and take some time, but then she realized that this particular event might not have ever happened if they weren't together like this. This recognition was a strange paradox for Sakura: she realized that it was the circumstances creating these foreign feelings for Kakashi, but she also felt a sense of discomfort at the idea of being removed from these circumstances. She  _ was  _ enjoying this mission--all of the negative feelings that were consuming her in Konoha were entirely absent after their departure, other than the distance from Sarada. She didn't want to go back to those kinds of feelings, and so she wondered how she could deal with this  _ new _ problem.

Because when Kakashi walked out of the door, she was reminded of the feelings she felt when Sasuke walked out the door--a strong pull of longing in her heart. When Sasuke walked out of the door, she felt years of emptiness and emotional disconnect. As if she didn't  _ really _ know the man who was leaving, and she had a fear that if she stopped him from leaving, he would simply brush her off or perceive her as  _ annoying _ . There was something outside of her control that exhausted her when Sasuke left. But this feeling was different. When Kakashi walked out of the door, she instead felt a longing for the supportive and caring nature of the man that she  _ always had _ from him. She knew that  _ she _ had created the cause of his departure. She knew that she had a part in it-whereas with Sasuke, she didn't know how she fit into any of his decisions. Sakura  _ knew _ she had the ability to fix whatever this was with Kakashi. Kakashi would listen to her, and he would be attentive to what she was saying.

Sakura rolled from her side onto her back, sighing heavily as she gazed at the white ceiling, her hair tucked underneath her neck from the movement. She bent her knees upward and allowed the to fall towards the right, supported by the cushioning of the couch. Her arms rested on her stomach with her hands tucked under each arm.  _ Was she consciously comparing her partner to her husband?  _ And what was her purpose in doing so? To simply wallow in her unhappiness of her marriage? Or because she thought Kakashi could give her what she was missing? And by thinking that, was she admitting to herself that she might entertain the possibility of leaving Sasuke? She shook her head. She  _ was _ unhappy with her marriage, but if only Sasuke would  _ stay,  _ maybe she wouldn't be. Besides, just because Kakashi was turned on by her didn't mean that there were any real feelings-he was a man after all, and she came onto him. Just because Kakashi spoke to her lightly and made her feel happier didn't mean that he wanted a relationship with her. For all she knew, it was only because  _ Sasuke _ was not doing those things for her that she was noticing Kakashi's actions. After all, she had never known what it was to have a man so consistently around her in a domestic way. And because there were so many  _ " _ what if" scenarios swirling in her head, she understood that she wasn't in a place to make any real decisions about how she felt.

But she did know that she had to do two things: see how she felt when she saw Sasuke, and fix whatever mess she started with Kakashi. She would just tell him  _ why _ she did what she did and apologize for it. And she would do it over breakfast.

Once that decision was made, she was  _ out _ \--asleep on the couch as she waited for Kakashi to return.

* * *

 

Sakura sat up on the bed and her eyes hovered toward the couch. As she expected, she saw silver hair peeking over she top of the arm rest. When Kakashi found her asleep on the couch, he must have carried her to the bed and occupied the couch for the night. The thought was sweet but also sort of sad-she instantly felt more than a physical distance between them. But she had a plan to fix it. So she peeled the covers off of herself, swung her feet onto the floor, and quietly made her way towards the kitchen area to start cooking. And as she silently began to pull ingredients-eggs, rice, chicken, ketchup, onions, mushrooms, oil. With her ingredients laid out in front of her, she silently turned back to look at Kakashi on the couch, who was facing away from her, head buried into the cushion of the back support. He was probably awake-unlike him, she wasn't as tuned into the distinct differences in body language between sleeping and awareness-and she figured that it would be impossible for a shinobi of his calibur not to have been awakened by the sounds of her cooking anyway.

He'd have to just listen.

And so she started-she chopped onions and mushrooms, diced chicken, frying them until the pink hue was gone. Meanwhile, she had prepared some tea. She drenched the pan in a generous helping of ketchup and swirled the three ingredients together before adding a huge clump of rice. She shaped it with her spatula before moving it onto a plate, then she quickly whisked the eggs in a bowl with her chopsticks before cooking it on the pan. When it was ready, she transferred the egg on top of the of the rice and drew a little happy face on it with ketchup. Satisfied with her work, she was about to take the plate and turn towards the dining table when Kakashi spoke behind her.

"Looks good," he said quietly. He didn't have quite as much energy as she was used to.

She jumped a little in surprise, holding the plate in her hands, and turned slowly. Her eyes unknowingly wore a look of concern on them, and when she met his sleepy eyes above his mask, he recognized her expression.

"Umm, yeah..." she began hesitantly, forcing a smile as she looked up at him. "I made it for you."

He stood staring at her for a moment and then he smiled with his eyes. Sakura instantly felt a little bit of relief. "Thank you, Sakura."

She stepped aside to place the plate on the table. Kakashi followed her lead and sat at the table. As he passed her, she was returning to the drawers to retrieve new chopsticks for him, a little saucer of soy sauce-just in case-and a cup of tea. She set the items on the table around the plate and then sat down across from him.

"Where's yours?" he asked her with a raised eyebrow.

In response, she leaned her elbows in on the table and rested her cheek in her palm. Ignoring his question, she cut straight to the point. "Kakashi," she started softly, a look of worry registering on her face. "What I did last night... I'm sorry."

Kakashi leaned back and sighed. Sakura wasn't sure of what to make of it, and then he suddenly rose from the table and headed towards the cabinet. Sakura watched him collect another plate, a pair of chopsticks, and another cup of tea. He returned to her, and the moment he set the plate down he said in a mumble, "No, I'm sorry..."

Sakura looked up at him in surprise and followed him with her eyes as he sat down. "But I..." she started, "I'm the one who came onto you." 

Kakashi didn't respond to her, he simply focused on his task of splitting the breakfast and sliding the other half onto the second plate for Sakura.

When he pushed the plate back in her direction, he spoke in a straightforward manner: "I shouldn't have touched you like that."

"No," she replied almost unbelievably, knowing that he was talking about the bite on her neck and the way he held her. "Please listen.  _ I _ did that. I was the one who went on top of you and I allowed it to go that far."

Kakashi didn't respond, he only lowered his mask and continued to listen as she asked of him.

"It was stupid of me," she continued, looking down at the plate in front of her. "I was just so set on getting back at you the way you did it to me when we were on the road... when it happened, I just..." She stopped before admitting to him that she was almost ashamed that he was right-she had little experience with romance. "I didn't think about how it would affect our relationship."

"And that's why I'm sorry," he said sincerely. Sakura looked up, eyes briefly glancing down to his exposed mouth before settling on his eyes. "If I didn't tease you then, would last night have happened?"

Sakura was stunned for a moment. She considered his words and agreed to an extent, but was resolute in believing that despite his admission, it was still her decision to do what she did last night. "We both did something we shouldn't have," she concluded, offering him a slight smile to decrease the tension of their conversation. He nodded, chewing with chopsticks in his mouth.

But Sakura was not appeased by this conversation, even felt the unsettled nature in her chest. It wasn't enough. She didn't feel like it cleared the air, and she felt like she had to go deeper-tell him what she had really been feeling-at least some of it. "I'm happy here," she said, smiling at him softly as he ate. "Can I... admit something to you?"

Kakashi stopped chewing and put his chopsticks down, looking expectant.

"Ever since we left Konoha together, all that unhappiness that I had been feeling just... went away." Kakashi didn't know what to say. Sakura continued, "Every day, when I was at home I would ask myself questions about my life. Sasuke was never home... Sarada was always out on missions or training. And I always wondered if there was anything more for me," she paused to break eye contact with Kakashi, "It's been years since someone has been around me so consistently. And now here you are."

She looked up again nervously only to see Kakashi slightly wide-eyed. At this moment, she realized that she was really struggling to figure out how to say what she wanted to say. She knew it wasn't coming out the way she wanted it to. She didn't realize that expressing  _ some _ of the truth would be so hard. He was speechless, unsure of how to respond which seemed to be so normal around Sakura.

"I have to admit, it feels really good to have someone to wake up next to, to laugh with, to cook for, to walk around town with," Sakura smiled softly again, thinking about the experiences they'd shared during this mission so far. "Sometimes, it really sort of feels like  _ you are _ my husband. Like  _ this _ is what a marriage is supposed to be like." 

Although she was still nervous and a little unsure of here words, Sakura was comfortable with Kakashi's silence; besides, she didn't know how he could respond to her anyway. 

"Maybe this isn't making any sense, but... I've known you for so long, Kakashi... and if there was anyone I had to go on this mission with, I'm so glad that it was you. No one else could make me feel as comfortable and capable as you have on this mission." And finally, Sakura smiled genuinely, feeling as if that was the  _ closest _ string of words that she could have formed, the closest thing to represent what she was actually feeling.

Kakashi was stupefied. Little did Sakura know, he was experiencing  _ the same _ things that she was-he too was enjoying her company, and he too realized that it wouldn't have played out this way had he been assigned to this mission with any other woman in Konoha. And so, he forced himself to say something; he didn't want Sakura to feel like he wasn't listening, or if she was doing all the talking, or feel embarrassed for continuing to talk without any reciprocation.

"I... feel the same way," he established audibly, smiling softly in return in an attempt to show her that-despite his seeming hesitation-he meant what he said.

"Really?" Sakura asked quietly, leaning forward onto her elbows, and resting her chin on her palms. "You don't have to just say that, you know."

"Really," Kakashi stated, "I mean, you know me. I've been alone all of this time. I've never really spent this much time with  _ any _ woman. But you're an important person to me, Sakura, and so I really mean it. I'm glad that I was assigned to this mission with you too."

She smiled, looking incredibly relieved for a moment, and then her eyebrows curled back into a hint of worry, "But... I don't want what happened last night to change anything. We're both enjoying each other's company... and when we go home, we won't have this anymore. Naturally, the things that we've been doing on this mission have sort of blurred the lines of our relationship..." Sakura began to struggle with her words again.

"Sakura," Kakashi interrupted, noticing that she was fumbling. He thought that he understood what she was trying to say. "It's okay. Nothing will change between us."

But even though that was what Sakura wanted to say, inwardly she wasn't entirely sure that was how she felt. Was Kakashi confirming that they were only friends, and nothing more? And Sakura knew then that she was dancing around a topic that she wasn't fully ready to recognize herself. When Kakashi said that nothing would change between them, she realized that her discomfort with that statement was that she  _ did _ feel like Kakashi was now more than just an important friend to her. "That's not..." Sakura began, but she wasn't able to complete her sentence.

Kakashi sighed and then stood up in his chair. He walked over to her side of the table, took her warm hand, and then tugged her off of her chair and onto her feet. She was standing in front of him, peering upwards with her hand in his, waiting, confused, anxious. He looked down at her for a moment with a serious yet warm look on his face and then he embraced her. His hands slid around her back, and her cheek was nestled in the space between his arm and torso. She was silent and absolutely stunned, but Sakura slowly lifted her arms to wrap them around his lower back anyway-her heart beating a little faster than normal. Something about his embrace, although still a foreign experience, made her feel full inside. Of  _ what _ , exactly, she didn't know.

"I think I know what you are trying to tell me, Sakura..." he said softly, still holding her. The bass of his voice was transferring onto her body as a vibration. "Both of us have sort of been alone all this time, and now, we have the opportunity to experience something we were both missing in our lives. You're enjoying it, but you can't bring yourself to completely admit it because you're married to Sasuke, who hasn't been treating you right. And because you can't admit it, you're torn between creating distance between us during this mission and continuing to enjoy it. And it's bothering you because you  _ shouldn't  _ be enjoying it  _ because _ you are married and I'm only supposed to be a friend to you. Does that sound right so far?"

"Yeah... it does." Sakura admitted, face still pressed nervously on his chest but feeling a little bit of relief and surprise at the same time. Was she that easy for him to read?

"Is it okay if I continue...?" he asked quietly, placing his palm softly on the back of her head, pressing down on her hair. He felt her nod under his hand. And so he began, quieter still, and softer than he had before: "And because we've been spending so much time together as husband and wife, getting physically closer, our relationship as friends is getting confused..." he paused, waiting to feel her react or tense. She didn't. "And that physical relationship might be causing us to  _ feel _ things that friends wouldn't normally feel for each other."

When he admitted everything she couldn't bring herself to say, Sakura raised her head from his arm and lifted her chin to meet him in the eye, his palm sliding down to rest at the base of her neck.

"I feel it too, all of it... even the guilt of enjoying the company of a married woman," he whispered wearing an expression of affection on his face. Sakura's eyes widened and she felt her cheeks grow warm.

"That's not fair," Sakura whispered in return. He raised an eyebrow as she spoke. "I made breakfast so that I could talk to  _ you,  _ tell you how  _ I _ felt, and to tell you  _ I _ was sorry."

"Well, you sort of  _ did _ do those things," Kakashi chuckled lightly.

She smiled then and continued softly, "But you said everything better than I did, and more than I could have brought myself to say. How do you figure me out so easily?"

"Like you said," he grinned warmly, "We've known each other for a long time." When Sakura continued to gaze at him in affectionate wonder, he decided to put forth a proposal. "How about this..." he started pulling her head back into his embrace, "No more teasing. We're both experienced adults and don't need anymore confusion between us. We've already sort of crossed the comfort lines between friends and our mission requires it in public. We can't stop entirely, but we can try to keep it friendly while we're at home. And if you want us to stop altogether, we will. We're both enjoying this, but I respect your decisions  _ and _ your relationship with Sasuke. When you see him, maybe you should talk to him... Maybe  _ that _ will make everything clear again. And from now on, we can just be honest about what we want and how we are feeling on this mission. What do you think?"

Sakura nodded again in his arms, feeling safe, accepted, and absolutely comfortable. "Thanks, Kakashi," she added with a smile, "I knew you would understand."

And then he let her go, backed away, and gave her a smirk. "By the way, thanks for the omurice. It was delicious. Now eat your half." And with that, he lightly brushed his hand to smooth the top of her hair and directed her body back onto the chair so that she could finish her food. He then picked up the other dirty dishes from cooking to wash them. As the warm water ran over his hands and dishes, he watched the food scraps flow off of the plates. He picked up the sponge and started scrubbing absently. Although he had seemed so confident and sure of his answers while speaking to Sakura, he wondered privately to himself:  _ Can an attraction be truly innocent once it has acknowledged its own existence? _

* * *

 

The next few days were normal, as if nothing between them had transpired, as if that night hadn't happened, and as if that conversation wasn't necessary between them. They continued to sleep in the same bed-backs pressed against each other, concealing each other's identities through Sakura's make-up. The daily conversations remained light and positive, joking with each other here and there about minor things. Cooking, cleaning, shopping-all the staples of domestic life.

The only difference in those days had been that the starting date for class drew nearer, and so they spent their days in the apartment, all doors and windows open, writing poetry and painting on fresh canvases. Sakura had bought an easel and was stationed by the balcony, whereas Kakashi had taken residence on the dining room table with his papers spread out in front of him and stack of poetry and calligraphy books that he had purchased for inspiration. When they were both focusing, they would sit in silence and work, jumping in to converse here and there, but otherwise comfortable in their respective workspaces.

At this point, Sakura had painted three pieces. The first piece was her least favorite and most adventurous attempt: the bamboo forest she saw when they arrived with light filtering through the leaves. The second piece was a little bit more successful: a silver moon shining over a dark lake peppered with red and orange leaves. She felt it wasn't successful enough though. Sakura was by no means an artist, but that didn't mean she didn't want to put her best foot forward in her attempts. Her last piece was her favorite. It was the silhouette of a mother cradling her young child in her lap under a Sakura tree; the child's silhouette took the shape of Sarada's image in Sakura's mind. And although it wasn't a masterpiece, she felt the strongest emotional connection to it-she even spent more time blending the colors.

Kakashi had come up with a short series of poems that he was now re-writing into his notebook using his brand new brush. Kakashi had gone out to speak to Fujiko-san about the butcher shop job and then to meet his new boss. Afterwards, he had bought the brush at the marketplace. It had a glass handle that was colored a radiant dark blue and had the softest brush at the end. He was practicing his strokes as he wrote: " _ Our nightly affair reminds me that you who feels so near I cannot touch... _ " He began a new page: " _ How many poor souls have experienced the harsh sting of sadness as the petals of the naive heart bloomed to receive the company of those who wished to steal its nectar? _ "

After Kakashi had read a few new books, he came to realize that he enjoyed the shorter poems, and they were much easier to transfer onto paper using calligraphy. Less words meant less chance for error. And he found that his dark past as a shinobi, and less admittedly the emotions he felt now, were easy sources of inspiration for these short poems. He didn't think he was very good at it, but he did have to try. Kakashi figured that he might as well learn something while he was here--maybe he'd become good at it and start to enjoy it after all. And after scrapping poem after poem, and crumpling up page after page, Kakashi finally had written all three poems onto a fine sheet of heavy paper. He was satisfied with the strokes of each letter, the proportions and spacing of each character, and ready to present what he could to his professor.

But the week had finally come. It was Monday, and Sakura would be starting her course today. When the two of them had risen from bed, Sakura immediately went into the bathroom to prepare herself. Kakashi had quickly gone to fix her breakfast and began to pack a large canvas tote bag with her three paintings, a blank canvas, her painting apron, and her paint and brush sets. While she was showering, he threw in a sandwich and a tumbler full of tea. When Sakura emerged from the steaming bathroom, she was wrapping in a towel and went towards the dresser to dig for today's outfit.

Kakashi was cleaning the kitchen counters when he turned his attention towards her. "Nervous?" he called out.

"Yeah, actually," Sakura admitted, pulling out underwear, khaki pants, and a white sweater. "I haven't been in a school setting since I was a teenager. It feels like the first day of school all over again."

"It  _ is _ the first day of school," Kakashi laughed as he was put down the counter rag and turned his entire body in her direction. "Come on, go and change. I made breakfast for you."

Sakura quickly went back into the bathroom to dry herself further and put on her clothes. When she came out fully dressed, Kakashi was sitting at the table waiting for her. "You know," he said as she approached, pulling a chair to slide in, "Most artists wear all black... the paint could get everywhere."

Sakura's eyes widened, "You're right..." and then she sighed, "but I don't have a lot of black clothes! Black clothes make me look boring."

"Looks like we'll have to do more shopping."

"Okay," Sakura replied, starting to dig into her meal hastily. "Maybe after class today, and I can fill you in on how it went."

"Yes, we'll do that... but slow down. You're not late you know." He watched her eat with amusement. It really was clear that she was nervous.

Sakura didn't respond but she did stop scarfing her food down. And so Kakashi went towards the dresser to produce one of his own grey sweaters, and pulled it over himself. He grabbed the make-up pot from the top of the cabinet and wrapped the orange scarf around his neck.

"Where are you going?" Sakura asked from the table, chewing her eggs.

"I'm going to walk you to class, of course. What kind of husband would I be if I didn't?" he replied playfully.

"Oh," she felt a little bit of butterflies in her stomach. He was just so thoughtful. And then she watched Kakashi approach her with the make-up pot. Instinctively she lifted her chin in his direction and looked down with no particular piece of interest to stare at. It was routine; Kakashi rubbed her forehead with the creamy concealer and then placed the pot on the table in front of her.

"Paint me, miss artiste," he joked, standing in front of her. She got up from the chair and reached up with her fingers, sputtering  _ hmms  _ and  _ ahhs _ as her fingers brushed over his scar.

"My daily masterpiece," she giggled as she put the pot down in front of her.

"Shall we go?" he asked, holding an arm out to her, signaling for her to slide her arm through the opening. She nodded, and as they headed toward the door, Kakashi picked up her bag of canvases, holding it for her as they ventured out into the cool, crisp, autumn air.

When Sakura had entered Studio 24, the room was smaller than she expected; there were only four work stations-a man in his mid-to-late twenties with brown wavy ear-length hair sat at the station in the back corner staring out of the window. The walls were white and the concrete floors with splattered with speckles of rainbow paint everywhere. There was one singular large window filtering in the bright sunlight. Sakura saw a larger desk at the front of the room, behind it, a beautiful young woman with her black hair braided in a coil down her back sat writing in a notebook. She had strong features: eyes of determination, thinset lips, prominent but delicate cheekbones, porcelain skin, and lovely brown eyes. Sakura figured that this must be the instructor, Imada-sensei.

Sakura stood apprehensively at the door, arm raised and rested above her chest. Imada-sama looked up from her notebook, made eye contact with Sakura, and smiled. "Hello, welcome," she greeted. "You must be...?"

"Akiyama Haruna," Sakura responded amiably, smiling lightly in return.

"Akiyama-san, please take a seat at one of the free workstations. We'll be starting shortly. We're waiting for two more students to show up."

Sakura nodded and headed to the back of the classroom. She decided to take the empty work station beside the one occupied by the man. She sat at the stool her table, which seemed to be topped with dark freshly-wiped wood. Beside it was an old birch wooden easel, splattered with paint in the same manner as the floor. She placed her bag on the table and pulled out her brushes and paper; Sakura considered, for a moment, if she should take out her paintings, but didn't feel confident enough to do so.

"White, huh?" a smooth voice called from her left; it sounded relatively disinterested, yet clearly, he was interested enough to say something. Sakura's attention moved in the direction of her brown-haired classmate with her eyebrows raised.

"Sorry?" Sakura asked politely.

"Your sweater," he replied, his elbow propping his arm up, cheekbone resting atop his knuckles. His wavy locks were falling just enough for his sapphire blue eyes to peek through his hair. His eye color reminded her of Naruto. "Pretty brave of you, if you ask me. You must be confident in your ability to keep tidy while you paint." He was wearing a black long sleeve.

"Umm," she started hesitantly, but still managing to display her natural confidence. "Actually, I just didn't really think about my outfit this morning." Kakashi was right. She should've worn black.

"I see," he smirked, giving a short chuckle. "I'm Yuuto. Haruna, was it?"

Sakura was slightly taken aback by Yuuto's informal and straightforward nature, but she decided not to press on it. "Yeah. That's me... It's nice to meet you."

"Likewise," he responded, never moving his body nor his face from his hand. "How long have you been painting?"

Before Sakura could answer the question, two students noisily barged into the door. Both Sakura and Yuuto's attention turned toward the door.

"Ahh! Imada-sensei! I'm sorry for being late!" A man with short fuzzy red hair walked in; he wasn't very tall and must've been around 22 years old. He had a friendly face, one that was openly approachable, and clutched tightly in his arm was a woman that he was dragging in behind him. The woman was taller than him, clearly a little bit older-or at least that was what her demeanor signaled-and she was thin with long, flowing, silvery-lilac hair.

To Sakura's dismay, both of them were wearing black. She sighed as she watched the short spectacle.

Imada-sensei stood at her desk with a demure smile, motioning the two to enter. "Not a problem, we hadn't even started yet. Where did you find Sayuri-san today?"

The woman, whom Sakura deduced must be named Sayuri, looked absently toward Imada-sensei, looking as though she were reeling and taking in her surroundings, arm still clutched to the younger man's arm. The man looked briefly back at her and then towards Imada-sensei. "She was just sort of wandering around outside the building. Didn't seem to realize that class was starting soon."

Suddenly, Sayuri looked at Imada and recognized her. "Ah. Hatsue-san," she said, looking directly at Imada-sensei. "How nice to see you this morning. It must be time for class."

"It is," Imada-sensei replied smiling warmly in her direction. "Why don't you two take a seat?"

The two students nodded and headed toward their respective tables. Sayuri sat at the workstation in front of Sakura, and the unnamed man sat in front of Yuuto. He suddenly swiveled in his chair and grinned in her direction, then in Yuuto's.

"Hey!" he cried out excitedly. He seemed so young, and in fact, instinctively reminded her of Naruto when they were younger--energetic and positive. "The name's Itsuki."

"Yuuto," the brown-haired man replied coolly.

"Haruna," Sakura replied with a pleasant tone.

And then Sayuri turned around slowly, her lips curled into a delicate smile, though her eyes seemed almost vacant. Despite that, Sakura felt that there  _ was _ indeed a person in there, and there was something sweet about her. "I'm Sayuri," she introduced herself softly; her voice was almost wraithlike, like a whisper yet melodic, too soft yet soothing at the same time. It made one want to lean in and listen close. Still smiling in Sakura's direction, she continued, "I love your hair. It reminds me of spring."

"Thank you," Sakura smiled, replying softly.

"Well then, now that introductions have been made," Imada-sensei began powerfully from the front of the room, "Why don't we get started?"

* * *

 

When Kakashi left Sakura at the studio, he decided to stop by the butcher shop and strike up a conversation with the owner-to see if he could start building a relationship with the man, or even start early. Zenhichi and Fujiko had both concluded that Sakura and Kakashi should settle in and start school before starting work, but in truth, Kakashi realized that he had little to do and that they were collecting information a little too slowly for his taste.

Kakashi arrived at the humble glass-front shop and entered, hearing a tiny bell ring as he passed the door. Kakashi was instantly hit with the smell of iron-blood and the cool air of the meat-cellar in the back. Zenhichi, a burly man of approximately 65, balding at the top with a ring of grey hairs surrounding his crown, stepped out of the back wiping his hands clean of blood in a rag.

"Takashi-san!" he said with surprise. "What brings you in?"

"Zenhichi-sama," Kakashi greeted with a slight bow. "I was wondering if there was anything I could start helping you with."

"Ah," he started, placing the towel down on the counter as he approached, "There's always work to be done, but nothing I can't handle on my own in the meantime. Besides, didn't I tell you to settle in first?"

"Well, Haruna started school this morning and my prep work for class is all done. We're all moved in, so..."

"Well..." Zenhichi mused, "I suppose I could entertain you for awhile, if you're seeking it."

Kakashi gave a slight smile in approval but said nothing. Zenhichi motioned him to come behind the counter, and then retreated behind the door for a moment before returning with a fresh white apron. He handed it to Kakashi who quickly put it over himself and wrapped it around his back.

"The counters could use a good scrub down," Zenhichi suggested nervously, motioning toward the sink and some fresh towels that were folded on a rack above it, "It's just me around here. I try to get to cleaning as often as I can, but truthfully, I'm usually all tied up preparing the meat for the day."

"I'm on it," Kakashi replied, tone indicating that it were no trouble at all. He quickly grabbed a towel, drenched it in water, squeezed it lightly, and began scrubbing the counters. All of the old residual blood collected into the water and fell onto the floor as he went.

Zenhichi watched Kakashi with a pleased look, as if he were evaluating Kakashi's vigor as he went.

"Happen to have a mop back there somewhere?" Kakashi asked, implying that he'd like to clean to floor afterwards.

"Yep," Zenhichi replied. He retreated into the back and soon returned with a roller-bin with water and a mop in it, and in the other hand, a large slab of meat that was wrapped in wax paper. He set the mop aside against the wall, and placed the wrapped meat on a clean part of the counter. He then went to wash his hands before handling his product.

The two went about their business is silence for some moments-Kakashi continuing to clean while Zenhichi cut chunks of meat off of a larger portion to place in the refrigerated display.

"I hope you don't mind my prying," Zenhichi said suddenly. "You're a good lookin' man with a strong build on you, but you definitely aren't a young spring chicken."

"No," Kakashi laughed heartily, knowing Zenhichi meant no offense by it. "I'm definitely past my prime."

"You and your wife been married awhile?"

"No, just recently."

"Mind if I ask what took you both this long?" Zenhichi stopped his task to gauge a reaction in Kakashi.

Kakashi stopped scrubbing for a moment and looked at Zenhichi kindly. These were personal questions, but Kakashi figured that it would probably work to his advantage if Zenhichi weren't the type for discretion. That meant that he'd be easier to talk to and get information from. But this question wasn't one Kakashi had discussed with Sakura, and so he'd have to make something up on the spot.

"Well..." Kakashi started. "I've known my wife for years..."

"And only now did you decide to marry her? You some sort of playboy?" he asked jokingly.

"No," Kakashi chuckled, "Haruna was always the one for me."

Suddenly, Kakashi found inspiration for his story. Sasuke popped into his head.

"For as long as I'd known her, she loved another man. For years, I'd watched her pine for him, and eventually he reciprocated-sort of. But he was the traveling type, real quiet, whereas Haruna was the outgoing, affectionate type. Eventually, after each trip, he'd stay away longer and longer, and I sort of saw Haruna grow more and more sad. At some point," Kakashi continued, a smile growing on his face, and he looked out of the window staring absently ahead, "I decided that I couldn't watch her stay so unhappy. So I just... started coming around more. Eventually she left him, and I was there. I didn't try to pursue her or anything like that, I just wanted to support her. Things slowly fell into place... and eventually, I asked her to be my wife."

"You don't seem to be too bad of a catch, Takashi," Zenhichi chuckled. "Sounds like you got a good one, and she's younger than you, but she isn't much of a spring chicken herself. Any kids?"

"No, no kids," Kakashi lied, starting to scrub again as he spoke, "She's got a niece though that she loves to death. Haruna's already got some gifts that she's going to send back."

"Kids coming your way?" he asked, beginning to chop up and lay out some meat again.

"Perhaps," Kakashi responded lightly, "I'm not young, but if a child comes our way, I wouldn't say that I'd be unhappy about it. Do you have any kids?"

"I have a son out there somewhere..." Zenhichi replied seriously, the light tone in their conversation suddenly shifting. "He applied for that art school-ceramics or something like that. Said he wanted to make a living selling his homemade wares and plates and whatnot."

"Where is he now?"

"I dunno," Zenhichi seemed saddened by the topic, "He just... started changing when he went to that school. He was a lively kid, happy, passionate about his dream... all of a sudden he seemed  _ so far away _ , like his mind was always elsewhere rather than here with me. He was getting all these awards from school, got a completion certificate mailed home, and before I knew it... he was just gone. Just up and left. I guess he was so excited to start his life somewhere that he just had to get out of here."

"Have you heard from him since?" Kakashi asked, wondering about the change in Zenhichi's son.

"Nope, I don't even know where he went. School wouldn't tell me anything either."

"I'm sorry," Kakashi responded, unsure of how to deal with Zenhichi's emotions, but paying attention to the details of his story.

"Nothin' to be sorry about. You had no part in it. But... you know... there's something about that school. Something that changed my son. I can't put my finger on it, but I just  _ feel _ it. You and your wife-I mean, I don't mean to scare you or worry you or anything like that-but, you be careful in there. Just in case."


	18. Black and White

When Sakura returned home from Masuyo Institute, she had the brightest eyes and widest smile on her face-it was clear to Kakashi that she was excited to tell him about the day, but that look instantly faded away when she saw his expression at the dining table, leaning back against the chair with his arms crossed. Kakashi had never been the naturally expressive type. He was either silly when he was in the right mood, bored, or somewhat indifferent. His lazy eyes afforded him the luxury of seeming emotionless at any given time, and that was the one expression that he was particularly good at.

Even though she could only see his eyes above the mask, Sakura recognized it in an instant and knew that  _ something _ had happened. Kakashi had only worn that look once since they'd left Konoha, and it was right before he left after teasing him.

"I'm home," Sakura stated, intonation rising as if she were gearing to pose a question. "Everything okay, Kakashi?"

"Yeah," he said gruffly, leaning forward on his elbows as she closed the door behind her, putting her bags down by the door. Kakashi gave her a moment to sit down in front of him before giving her the news. "Sasuke sent a scroll. We're checking in with him outside of Takumi tonight."

The expression on her face immediately changed; whatever small amiable smile she had on her face completely disappeared and was replaced by an instinctual frown and a look of slight shock.

"Oh," she replied slowly. "What time?"

"1 AM," Kakashi replied with little variation in his voice.

"But... you have your first class in the morning," Sakura said quietly, attempting to shield her real feelings with worry for Kakashi's rest.

"I'll manage. I'm a shinobi after all."

And then there was silence between them. Something in the air was  _ different _ . Tense.

Kakashi was looking at Sakura from across the table, who seemed to be avoiding eye contact and was staring at her loose hand. Her brow was furrowed a little, revealing to Kakashi that she was at least slightly bothered by this news. And he understood it because, in truth, so was he. He hadn't even seen Sasuke yet, but the hawk was enough of a reminder to him that Sasuke was Sakura's husband. Sasuke's sudden proximity to them was prompted a stark warning within himself that he and Sakura  _ had _ been acting somewhat inappropriately, and it was almost like a wake-up call. Sasuke would be upset by his newfound relationship with Sakura, and even though nothing had  _ really _ happened between them, enough had transpired that there were secret interactions that could not be disclosed to Sasuke.

Looking at Sakura without a smile on her face from across the table, he felt an invisible barrier between them for the first time since leaving Konoha. She was untouchable. She was something he couldn't have. And this feeling intensified the pre-existing feelings of guilt: he recognized that he shouldn't even be feeling this way, and he recognized that despite that, he wanted things to proceed as they had been. Almost desperately.

The dull anxiety he felt in feeling like he needed to stop touching her, even just holding her hand in public, was a bothersome pang in his chest. And the yearning to do so was stronger now that those public interactions could bother Sasuke. He stared at Sakura, taking in the beauty of her long pink hair, her vibrant jade colored eyes, her milky skin, her brilliant smile, and elegant neck-the same neck that he had inappropriately bitten into  _ that _ night. And then all of those feelings of yearning morphed into something else, a memory of _ almost _ having her, and knowing that she wanted him in return. He felt a tingle in his abdomen, and then quickly shook the ridiculous thoughts he was having.  _ Stop _ , he told himself, recognizing that he was inwardly challenging Sasuke, as if Kakashi had the upper hand now, and that he was attempting to justify a way to claim her. But Sakura was not something to be claimed, and he mentally beat himself up for allowing his more primal urges to take over, even for a second.

Why were his thoughts and feelings moving in somersaults? He was all over the place inwardly-all because of Sasuke's scroll and Sakura's presence across from him. And the further he allowed himself to delve into his erratic thoughts, the farther he drew himself away from Sakura's bright smile, and the warm laugh he had heard so many times since they'd started this mission.

At that moment, he allowed himself to accept a realization he had been rejecting:  _ he was falling for Sakura _ .

And then she finally looked away from her hand-probably in discomfort from the silence-and met Kakashi's troubled eyes. He tried to soften his look.

"So," she started quietly, "what are we going to report to Sasuke?" She smiled gently, and it was clear to him that she too was struggling with this moment.

"We don't have too much to report..." Kakashi mentioned, beginning to relax.

"Well, we could tell him about Kyoko and the attendant at registration, how they suddenly change when Masuyo is brought up."

"We could, but that's not much."

"But it's what we have," Sakura responded.

"I could also bring up Zenhichi's son..." Kakashi replied, pondering about his day.

"What about him?" Sakura asked. Kakashi realized they hadn't spoken about their day.

"I went to work today because I had nothing to do. And I found out that Zenhichi had a son that signed up for Masuyo. He said that his son changed-went from a passionate kid to someone who seemed like he wasn't mentally present. Zenhichi told me to be careful. He feels like something is wrong with that school."

"Hmm..." Sakura mused, moving her hand to her chin and rubbing lightly. She appeared deep in thought.

"What is it?" Kakashi asked, noticing her movements.

"Your story kind of makes me think of one of my classmates..." Kakashi's eyebrows pricked up in interest and he waited to Sakura to continue. "Today, a woman named Sayuri was dragged in by another classmate. She seemed totally absent for a moment and dropped in and out of awareness. I thought it was weird."

"Could be a coincidence," Kakashi replied.

"Could be," Sakura stated, now crossing her arms across her chest and looking at the floor. "But you said something interesting. Zenhichi's son used to be passionate..."

"What of it?"

"Sayuri is an amazing artist... when I was looking at her sample work today, I wondered how someone so lethargic could produce work like  _ that _ . Her paintings were so vivid, like she was bringing you into her vision of the world... What if..." Sakura paused, taken away by the multiple possibilities. And then she continued, "I don't know. I'm just rambling. I don't have enough information yet."

"Sounds like you've chosen a target."

"Yeah, I'm going to try to find out more, get to know her a little bit. Can you find out more about Zenhichi's son?"

Kakashi gave a drawn out sigh, "I'll try, but... It might not be something I can get from him quickly. He seemed to become upset after talking about him, but I'll work my way towards it."

"Well, then that's what we tell Sasuke," Sakura concluded confidently.

"Right," Kakashi agreed monotonously. As the conversation progressed, he had begun to forget about Sasuke and the things he had been feeling-until Sakura's mention of his name brought Kakashi to reality.

Sakura seemed to pick up on Kakashi's strange behavior and looked at him with her head tilted. She looked as though she were analyzing him as he returned the glance from the side.

"It's only 2 PM," Sakura mentioned, thinking about Kakashi's suggestion from the morning.

"We've got a lot of time to kill. Let's go shopping? I have to buy some black clothes."

"Didn't you say that black made you look boring?" Kakashi seemed to be moving in and out of his strange state of moodiness.

"I did, but you were right," Sakura chuckled in admission, "Everyone was wearing black but me... Someone even pointed that out to me."

Kakashi gave a short laugh, his eyes closing in a smile above his mask-something about talking to Sakura was so easy. "Well, if we don't find anything today, I've got an abundance of black clothing. You could borrow some, you know."

"Please," Sakura sneered, "They're baggy on you. I'd be swimming in them. I'd probably come home with arms covered in paint if I wore such baggy clothes."

Laughing again and crossing his arms, Kakashi teased her, "I think you'd look pretty cute in my shirts if you ask me."

Sakura instantly bobbed backwards from his comment and blushed, recovering from his compliment quickly: "I look cute in anything."

He shrugged in defeat, deciding not to say anything further, but happy that the tension had yet again faded away. Kakashi stood up and walked toward the dresser, pulling off his sleeveless navy shirt with an attached mask, exposing his muscular torso. He felt Sakura's eyes on him as he dug through the bottom drawer, shirtless, to find a sweater without a mask. He settled on a black one on purpose.

He turned around to find Sakura still seated, arms and legs crossed, looking endearingly annoyed with a smirk playing on her lips. "Nice sweater," she said with sarcasm.

"Thanks," Kakashi replied, "I think that black brings out the color of my eyes."

Scoffing, Sakura got up from the chair, grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the direction of the door. "Let's go," she instructed, and Kakashi, relishing in the opportunity to walk arm-in-in, followed without complaint.

* * *

 

It was 12 AM and the two of them had spent the last few hours in silence. Kakashi had gone through the shopping trip appearing happy with Sakura, but was inwardly wondering if Sasuke was out there somewhere, watching. Sakura seemed to be acting the same. She would be holding onto his arm, walking closely as she peered around the marketplace. When her attention was caught, she would slip out, walk towards whatever she wanted to buy, and then would return to his arm. During their walk, they talked about clothing, what was flattering and what was not, and Sakura established that she liked brighter colors. Kakashi was able to deduce that much anyway as she had always worn some shade of red which was a color she had been avoiding since they left Konoha.

They had also spoken about the class-how Imada-sama was able to look at each of their strengths, weaknesses, and style. Sakura mentioned that she certainly felt like the weakest link in the class. Imada-sensei had paused on her work longer than others, and only really had positive things to say about the colors and the strokes she used. Sakura mentioned how she would definitely need Sai's guidance.

But since returning to the apartment, the tense feeling returned and grew stronger as the hour drew near. Now, they were readying themselves for their current mission-to meet Sasuke at the coordinates he sent.

Kakashi and Sakura moved quietly in their apartment, dressing themselves in all black. Sakura pulled her hair back into a ponytail and wrapped her head in a black scarf. She figured that her hair was too recognizable and must be covered at all costs. Kakashi's thought process was the same, but since his mask covered his face and his hair was shorter, he opted for a pullover with a hood and fastened it over his head, tucking in the silver strands of his hair.

Their shopping spree for art school clothing ended up serving a secondary purpose: a disguise in the night shade when they actually had to be shinobi.

When Sasuke's hawk had come tapping at the window earlier in the day, Kakashi had been fixing to prepare a late lunch. After he had wrapped up shop with Zenhichi, he had awarded Kakashi not only with pay for the day-although Kakashi had tried to insist that it wasn't necessary since he had decided to come in on his own-and a few cuts of meat. Zenhichi suggested that Kakashi treat his wife to a nice meal after her first day of class. But as Kakashi approached the window, he knew Sasuke was finally here to check in on them; as he opened the window to retrieve the tiny scroll from the bird, he felt a strange kind of heaviness drop in his chest. 

Sasuke, Sakura's  _ real _ husband, was here.

As soon as he had the scroll, the hawk turned and retreated into the autumn trees. Kakashi unfurled the scroll; within it were coordinates and a time. He wanted to meet somewhere in the eastern outskirt forest of Takumi Village at 1 AM. It was outside of the perimeter of Takumi, and there were shinobi stationed at the gates, but it wasn't anything Sakura and Kakashi couldn't handle. They outranked these shinobi and could easily slip past them.

"Ready?" Kakashi asked when Sakura stopped fixing her black scarf.

"I am," she stated resolutely, moving past Kakashi to pick up the purple scarf and letter that she wanted to send to Sarada. She stuffed it in her pack.

Kakashi nodded and turned off the lights. "Let's go."

* * *

 

As Kakashi and Sakura jumped stealthily through the trees, silently jumping one branch to the next, Sakura could only focus on one thing: the heavy feeling in her chest that always seemed to invade her heart when her husband was around. She looked forward, jumping absently, automatically, not really paying attention, but heading toward the east. Kakashi was slightly behind her, watching Sakura's fixed countenance as they moved.

_ How could this be? _ Sakura wondered to herself.  _ Why does Sasuke's presence bring me no other feeling but of heaviness? _

This very idea was bothering her. When did her eternal longing to be beside Sasuke transition into the permanent dread of imminent departure and loneliness? She told herself before that she would talk to Sasuke, see how she felt, hoping that it would clarify whatever confused feelings she had formed for Kakashi. But when Kakashi spoke Sasuke's name, she realized that her feelings were even more confused. Having the chance to see Sasuke again didn't bring clarity; it raised more questions. And ultimately, Sasuke's presence almost seemed like an intrusion. An invader disrupting her reverie of fantasy which had forced her to crash back into reality. What she had with Kakashi wasn't her real life.

But could it be?

Kakashi  _ did _ tell her that he too was feeling things that friends wouldn't normally feel for each other... but was it just sexual attraction to her? Was it just physical proximity and nothing more?

She wished that she could audibly sigh in that moment-instead she pursed her lips tighter, eyebrows furrowing more as she thought. The truth was, even if Kakashi was reciprocating and telling her these things, she didn't  _ really _ know how he felt. She didn't even understand what she felt with certainty. What was real? What was an act? And with every jump, with every tree that she passed, the closer she was to seeing Sasuke, and the heavier her chest felt. It was the same feeling that came over here as she ascended the stairs back in Konoha when she found him waiting for her in their bedroom.

"Sakura," Kakashi whispered behind her, noting her lack of attention on the path. "The gate is coming up."

She nodded in reply, awareness finally registering on her face. The two of them slowed down, stopping on trees just in front of the perimeter of the gates. They peered over the edge from the shroud of leaves, hidden underneath the shade of black clothes and the night. The eastern red gate had two shinobi stationed atop a watch post. They were definitely weaker shinobi-ones who didn't feel the need to take their positions seriously as they were engaged in a sluggish game of cards.

Sakura looked at Kakashi who was waiting for her to to make eye contact. She lowered her eyes, copied the motion of holding invisible cards and throwing them on the table, then fluttered her fingers downward to signify running. She was silently communicating that they should speed past the gate the moment one of the shinobi played their hand of cards. Kakashi took notice of her message and nodded, turning to watch the gate.

They waited for a moment-watching, Sakura channeling chakra to the soles of her feet, ready to release a burst of speed to zoom past the gate unnoticed. She waited... watched the shinobi shuffle and rearrange his hand... and the moment he looked as though he were going to make a play, Sakura released her chakra and she was gone in an instant-darting past the gates and into the cover of the trees outside of the gates. She looked over to the surrounding trees for Kakashi, only to see him arrive a second after her.

Peering over the edge of the tree, she saw one of the shinobi glance away from their cards and into the forest for a moment. He paused and then slowly returned his attention to the game.

"Some guards..." Kakashi commented quietly.

"Well," shrugged Sakura, "Takumi's not much of a target anyway. I doubt they ever need to protect the gates-if anything, they're stationed there to make the villagers feel safe."

"True."

"Think it'll be as easy to get back in?"

"We could always just knock them out if it isn't," Kakashi joked with a shrug. Then he nudged his head toward the direction of the coordinates, urging Sakura to continue moving.

They quickly jumped into the trees and took off again. Sakura's nervousness was filling her chest. As she drew nearer, she felt her heart tense-like a rubber band being stretched too thin. And then she saw him, standing against the tree with his arms crossed beneath his cloak, head tilted downwards, but his red eye glistening under his raven hair as his line of sight shifted in their direction.

Her breathing stopped.

She felt like the tension in her chest would snap at any moment, eyebrows curling upwards as if she were worried-but when she jumped down from the tree and landed in front of him on her knee, she blinked away any evidence of emotional distress.

Kakashi landed beside her, the two of them stood slowly. Everything in Sakura's body seemed to halt.  _ What should I say? Why do I feel so nervous? _ She met the ruby eye of her husband;  his expression was blank as it always seemed to be.

"Sasuke," Kakashi spoke with confidence, releasing his silver hair from the confines of his hood as he lowered it.

He looked away from Sakura then to address Kakashi with a nod. The break in eye contact seemed to lessen the tension; she was able to release a breath. She slowly lifted her hands to drop the scarf wrapped around her head down to her neck.

Sasuke pushed himself off of the tree with his leg and cut straight to the point, asking in a nonchalant tone, "What have you established on this mission so far?"

There was a pause. Kakashi looked at Sakura to see if she wanted to speak, and when she made no indication of that desire, he looked back at Sasuke to respond.

"The two of us are starting to familiarize ourselves with the village and the residents. We've both taken up some employment-I'm working at a butcher shop and Sakura will be working at a scarf booth on the market. She'll start later this week." Kakashi's demeanor was purely professional.

"And the school?" he asked in the same manner.

"I started today," Sakura cut in, almost hesitantly. She was proud of herself for not allowing her voice to waver. Both men looked in her direction; having Kakashi and Sasuke in the same view overwhelmed her for some reason, as if it amplified the inner conflict she was facing-two pieces of her heart right in front of her. But in that very moment, she physically saw the very reason she was conflicted in the first place: Sasuke's cold glance held nothing, no emotion whatsoever. Sakura wondered if he acknowledged to himself that he was looking at his wife, the mother of his child. Kakashi's gaze was lighter, warm, attentive-his eyes seemed like they were encouraging her to say something, anything. The contrast between them was like  _ black and white,  _ literally and figuratively. When her eyes shifted from Sasuke's to Kakashi's, she found herself able to relax a little, put at ease by his reassuring demeanor. "We haven't gathered much information but it seems like some of the villagers are affected by a hypnosis jutsu that is triggered by the name of the school. The demeanor of the villagers will change and speak about the school in a rehearsed way, but afterwards, they go back to normal and continue their conversation regularly. We don't know what's causing it yet."

"As far as we know," Kakashi added, "These are innocent people. So far, we've encountered a low-level shinobi and a desk attendant who were afflicted by this problem." He broke eye contact with Sakura to look back at Sasuke. She followed his glance.

Sasuke remained quiet, arms still crossed tightly against his chest beneath his cloak. He waited for further information.

Kakashi continued, leaning his body onto his left leg, and stuffing his hands into his pocket: "Additionally, Sakura has a feeling that there might be something at the school affecting certain students-particularly the passionate students."

"Passion?" Sasuke finally offered a hint of interest on the topic.

"Well," Sakura explained with a light sigh, "My theory is still in its infancy… let's even call it a zygote. But I noticed a woman today in my class who was mentally absent. She would come in and out of her awareness of the world around her… but her paintings were just so… lively."

Sasuke's interest seemed to deplete almost instantly. If Sakura didn't know her husband any better, one might've thought that he was annoyed when he asked, "And?"

"Look, I know it's not much," she shrugged, looking away from Sasuke and peering onto the floor beside them, "but when Kakashi told me about his boss's son," she looked back up from the floor to make eye contact with Kakashi, "my intuition brought me to my theory."

Kakashi spoke to clarify: "My boss's son was apparently an amazing potter with a lot of passion. When he started going to this school, his son started to act strange. He specifically said the words, 'far away,' similar to what Sakura is attempting to describe. All of a sudden, he disappeared from the village without saying a word to the father. Boss thinks his kid left to sell somewhere else, but instinctively feels like it was the school that changed the kid."

"That's a loose connection," Sasuke concluded emotionlessly, unknowingly making feel Sakura feel completely shut down.

"I know," Sakura admitted, feeling and sounding defeated. "I told Kakashi earlier that I didn't have enough information yet…"

"But it's what we have and it's worth investigating," Kakashi responded. "Sakura is going attempt to get closer to the woman and find out if anything is there."

"And…" Sakura began again, hesitantly, "I need Sai's help. I can't really emulate a passion for something I have no skill in and I know that Sai's paintings are supposed to help me get the attention of the administration, but I'll need his guidance to get through whatever it is I need to do while in the workshop part of class." Sakura looked at Sasuke for approval, but found no expression on his face.

"Continue to gather information," Sasuke instructed. "I'll send my report to Naruto and Shikamaru. I'll return with Sai in a week and we'll arrange for him to help you at night, when there are less villagers to see him around. Which day of the week is ideal?"

"Friday," Sakura replied. "Neither of us have class on that day."

Sasuke nodded. Kakashi readied himself to depart and began to turn. Sakura saw her partner turning away and began to follow yet she kept her head locked in the direction of her husband, eyes focused on his. This interaction wasn't at all what she expected it would be; it was so formal, as if they were truly  _ business _ partners or something… not someone seeing their spouse for the first time in weeks. Finally, Sakura felt the small sting form on the edge of her eyes as she broke contact. Tears were starting to form.

"Sakura," Sasuke called, stopping her in her tracks. Kakashi stopped as well, both of their backs facing Sasuke. "Did anything happen on the way here?"

"Not really," Sakura called back, feeling a mix of emotions. Was he finally showing some interest in her involvement on this mission? Was this his way of checking in on her? "Two runaway shinobi found our camp, but it was nothing serious. I handled them quickly."

For some reason, one of Sasuke's eyebrows seemed to twitch and curl. "Kakashi," Sasuke asked in somewhat of a disapproving tone. "What's the meaning of this?" 

Sakura's head jerked back in confusion, eyebrows raised in inquiry.

Kakashi sighed, and without turning, answered his former student with a hint of irritation, "What are you asking me, Sasuke? Are you implying something?"

"You're skilled enough to sense weak shinobi," Sasuke chided sternly.

"Yep, and it wasn't worth the effort to pack up quickly to evade them. Sakura dealt with them easily and we erased their memory of our faces. We can't avoid shinobi, Sasuke. We're on a mission." At that point, Kakashi sounded tired and slightly miffed; he began to step forward. "I'll see you at home, Sakura."

And then Kakashi disappeared, a swirl of leaves suspended in the spot that he had just occupied.

Sakura stood there, stunned, beginning to understand the implications of the short conversation between the two men. She turned her head back towards Sasuke, hand rising to clutch her chest which was beginning to fill with a sense of bitterness.

"They were nothing, Sasuke…" she began quietly, annoyance peeking in the tone of her voice as it rose in volume. He remained quiet and continued to stare at his wife. "So… what you basically showed Kakashi and I just now is that you don't trust in my abilities."

"You just haven't been on a mission in awhile," he answered, beginning to show some emotion in this conversation. "I know you can handle weak shinobi, I just..."

Anger flashed across her face briefly before she retorted confidently, "I can handle _ any _ shinobi, Sasuke. I think you've forgotten  _ who _ I am and  _ what _ I can do." She turned completely and walked up to his chest. She intended to be right within range of his face, something she would frequently do when upset.

Sasuke didn't say anything. And in addition to the feelings the bitterness of being unsupported and underestimated by her husband, she also began to feel intense irritation because this meeting did not go the way it should have. Perhaps the confusion over her feelings for Kakashi added to this moment, but perhaps it was that Sasuke couldn't or didn't do anything to bring her heart completely back to him. Perhaps it was all of it.

"I haven't seen you, my  _ actual _ husband, for weeks…" She spoke harshly, drawing herself even nearer, thinking a moment of all the things she and Kakashi had done together in that time, and in an instant, comparing those things to everything that Sakura and Sasuke had never done as a couple. "And when I do," she continued, "all I get from you is  _ doubt _ and coldness. Couldn't you at least  _ act _ happy to see me?" She pressed a finger on his chest yet Sasuke's expression didn't change.

"Sakura, I…"

She cut him off with a scoff, "No. Don't say anything. I really don't want to hear it." She figured that anything he could possibly say right then would have just upset her further, so she turned to the side to dig into her pack, retrieving the scarf and letter for Sarada. She shoved it into Sasuke's chest and pushed herself away from him, "Here. Send this to our daughter for me."

Sasuke grasped her wrist as she pressed the gift into his chest and reached around her back to pull her towards him again, cape now draped over her. For some reason, she felt a moment of discomfort, thinking about how his him embrace felt so differently from Kakashi's and how her interactions with Sasuke were altogether just so… she couldn't describe it. Sakura began to squirm in protest, looking indignant, but Sasuke pushed forward anyway and lowered his chin to kiss her forehead. She stopped wriggling for a moment, feeling her insides flutter but forcing herself to remember that she was upset with him for his lack of belief in her.

It took everything in her body to pry himself from his body and back away. "I'm leaving now," she stated stubbornly. "And just in case you were worried, don't be. I can make it back on my own."

Sasuke didn't protest or stop her as she stormed away, pulling her scarf back over her pink hair. She huffed-for all of her confusion over her feelings for the two men, she still felt strongly for Sasuke, and despite her feelings on the current situation, she was somewhat upset that they were parting. But she had to be strong-she had to let Sasuke know that she wasn't okay with his underestimation of her. And as she was about to blink away, she heard him say quietly, "I'll see you in a week," adding to the uneasiness in her heart, opening the door to the ever-familiar feeling of loneliness that always took residence within her whenever Sasuke was concerned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Definitely a characterization chapter-as they all tend to be, but I think this one is probably one of the stronger characterization chapters because it really juxtaposes Sakura's relationship with Sasuke versus her relationship with Kakashi. It's funny, I named the chapter Black and White to highlight the stark difference between the two men's approach to her, yet I realized how literal that name is: Sasuke is the darkness, and his hair is black... and Kakashi literally has white hair. I was sort of amused by that and how well the title worked out in more ways than one. Well, anyway, we're starting to see Kakashi get a little more emotionally affected; he can't be perfectly mature all the time. And now that Sakura's had a taste of a relationship with more substance, she can't seem to unsee it within the interactions of her marriage, especially since the substance isn't really there. Well, leave a review if you feel so inclined! I always appreciate it. ^_^


	19. Only For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Honestly, I'm getting caught up in my pacing. You're all so kind with your comments; you've shared so much praise and here I am feeling pretty insecure! But I will persist through it. I think this is me just wanting to get to the super juicy stuff. There's this one scene that I've been excited about for weeks and I think that my fixation on it is causing a bit of writer's block. But here comes more romance!

That was it.

His exchange with Sasuke was so short and simple, yet it ticked him off more than it should have.

As Kakashi jumped from branch to branch, heading back towards the apartment in the shade of the night, he gritted his teeth in anger.

Sasuke's question was a reminder of  _ why _ he and Sakura were on this mission in the first place. Sasuke's implication was a reminder of Kakashi's decision to help Sakura find her happiness while he was back in Konoha. He understood again, and he remembered the cause with clarity.

It probably didn't help that his newfound feelings for Sakura made him naturally biased towards that decision, but he didn't care at the moment. It was clear to him that Sasuke was minimizing Sakura's abilities, and although Sasuke might tell her that he wasn't, his actions and emotions showed otherwise. And what ticked him off even more was that Sakura _ still _ seemed to shrink in the presence of Sasuke. She was hesitant, unsure of her approach, afraid to say or sound something that Sasuke might perceive as stupid. And he did dismiss her. So when Sasuke implied that Sakura needed protection and that Kakashi wasn't providing it for her, he let the absurdity of that moment be known to Sasuke in the most diplomatic way that he could muster, and he then he left before he really couldn't control himself.

But if only Sasuke knew how he really felt… and Kakashi was starting to understand it himself. And he was starting to come to the conclusion that  _ he _ was better for Sakura and that  _ he _ , not Sasuke, could make her happier. In fact, he felt like he was already seeing it. He never saw Sakura smile and laugh genuinely in the presence of her husband, he never saw her take charge as a natural leader, and he never saw Sakura as truly  _ free _ around Sasuke. But with him… he saw the difference. Sakura  _ was _ Sakura when it was just the two of them, and for that reason alone, he decided that night that he wouldn't question his actions any longer; he would do what  _ felt _ right in regards to Sakura's happiness while they were on this mission… at least, that's what he told himself.

* * *

 

When Sakura arrived home, she found Kakashi already asleep in bed. Although she was somewhat apprehensive about arriving home in thinking they'd have to talk, she was a little disappointed to find him sleeping. But she understood. It was close to 3 AM at that point, and Kakashi had class in the morning. She looked at covered face and thought about the day-he had made her breakfast, prepared her bag, and then walked her to school. And even though it was late, she was resolved to wake up early to do the same thing.

Sakura walked to the dresser beside their bed and slowly opened the drawers to pull out a loose fitted t-shirt and shorts for pajamas. Since Kakashi was sleeping, she found no reason to retreat into the bathroom to change, and so she pulled off her black clothing and dropped it to the floor. She was standing there, near him, skin tinted a silvery blue by the light of the moon, wearing nothing but her underwear (she wasn't comfortable enough around Kakashi to remove her bra at night). As she pulled her shorts up each leg, she pushed the drawer shut with her hips, causing the dresser to rattle a little.

Kakashi stirred at the noise, shifting and turning his body in Sakura's direction. Instinctively, Sakura inhaled sharply and covered her chest, looking in Kakashi's direction. He slowly opened his eyes and stretched his shoulders apart, exhaling loudly as he moved his arms.

"Mmm… Sakura?" he asked groggily, making out the silhouette of her image in the dark beneath heavily lidded eyes. "You're home…"

"Yeah, I just got home," she affirmed quietly, quickly pulling her t-shirt over her head and onto her body.

Suddenly, Kakashi shuffled his arm out of the blanket, and extended it in her direction. He gingerly pinched the edge of her shorts, pulling it lightly in his direction. "Come to bed… it's late," he urged drowsily, holding onto her clothes. Sakura imagined the shadow of a gentle smile under his mask. She allowed him to pull her towards him and then he let go, rolling over on the bed and tucking all of the sheets underneath him as he made space for her.

He was on her side, but that was besides the point. Instead, she stared at him in wonder, the curiosity about his movement resulting in wide eyes. He seemed to fall asleep almost instantly but she silently conceded to his invitation, her knee pressing onto the mattress as she climbed on and slid downward.

"Kakashi," Sakura called out softly, laying on her back, body exposed to the air.

He stirred again, head nuzzling into his pillow, "Mmm?"

"Are you going to share the blanket with me?"

Kakashi finally lifted his head for a second, and then dropped it. He realized that he was indeed rolled up into the sheets, and then lifted himself up to pull it out from under him. "You're a blanket hog, so you don't deserve it, but I'm nice, so…" And then Kakashi pulled the sheets over him, fluffing it out for a moment, and then draped it over Sakura with his arm. For a moment, Sakura felt the warmth of his skin over her shirt and the butterflies in her stomach flutter… but then Kakashi didn't remove his arm. Instead, he tucked a hand underneath her side, pulled her closer, and buried his face in her pillow right above her shoulder. "You're so cold, Sakura-chan," he whispered lightly, drifting away as he nuzzled beside her. Sakura was speechless, unsure of how to react to the situation, but feeling the butterflies within her nonetheless. In an instant, she heard his rhythmic breathing and decided that he was asleep.

And so Sakura remained underneath his arm, allowing him to hold her for who knows what reason. Although she knew that this was definitely crossing the boundaries of friends, she couldn't bring herself to pull away. His body was a furnace, and truth be told, she really liked the feeling of being held by him. The sides of her lips curled into a gentle smile as she stared at the ceiling, her hand unconsciously sliding up to rest on top of his forearm.

_ How did he do this? _ She wondered.

Not even an hour had passed since she was upset by Sasuke's lack of support and coldness. Her journey home was spent with a furrowed brow and clenched fists. She was moody, and she was thinking of all the ways she could not only talk to Kakashi about the debriefing, but how she would confront Sasuke next time. But then she returned home to find him sleeping, and in a few moments, Kakashi had unintentionally calmed her. He didn't even speak to her about it, he was just simply… there. With arms figuratively and literally open for her. And that was enough. Enough to erase all of the feelings of discontent even for a moment because  _ this _ was allowing her to just  _ be _ . There was something about Kakashi that drew her to the present moment-there was something about him that made her feel like she didn't have to think about the past or the future, like she could just appreciate what was happening between them  _ right now _ .

And so she turned her body away from him, hand still resting on the arm holding on to her, allowing him to embrace her. Kakashi's sleeping frame seemed to respond to her movements in an instant. He nuzzled closer, pulled her body towards his chest, and tucked the hand under her side again. When he did, her thumb traced a line down his arm. She smiled and closed her eyes.

Sakura's heart was full. And although she knew she shouldn't have been so easily comforted-and by another man at that-at this moment, she didn't care.

He made it all go away.

* * *

 

When Sakura woke up, she heard sounds of running water and clinking plates. She was turned to her side, cozily wrapped underneath layers of blanket, and Kakashi's pillow beside her. She opened her eyes slowly, coming into her awareness, and then suddenly sat straight up.

"What time is it?" Sakura asked groggily, rubbing her eyes.

Kakashi peered behind him from the sink with a raised eyebrow. Kakashi was already dressed for the day in loose black pants and an olive green sweater; he wasn't wearing his mask. "It's about 9 AM," Kakashi replied calmly. "Good morning. You stole all the blankets again last night."

Sakura ignored his comment despite the fact that the evidence behind his claim was clearly visible. Instead, her eyebrows curled upwards. "I wanted to wake up early…"

"Why?" Kakashi asked while drying his hands, turning to walk towards the table. She noticed that his bag was already prepared. She wondered when Kakashi ended up so timely when he never seemed to be prompt in Konoha.

Sakura slowly untangled herself from the sheets and stood up, stretching her arms wide before joining him. When she sat at the table, she found a plate with a napkin over it. Underneath the napkin was her breakfast-broiled salmon, rice, and some omelette slices. "I was going to prepare breakfast and make you lunch today…" Sakura genuinely looked disappointed, and even started to pout a little.

Kakashi chuckled softly and clasped his hands together with his elbows on the table. "I'm sorry," he offered, smiling widely as he spoke, "I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful, and yesterday was a long day." And then he picked up the chopsticks and handed them to her, urging her to eat.

Sakura took the chopsticks and began to pick away at her food. Kakashi watched her with a soft grin, and then stood up to grab his bag.

"Wait," Sakura said, putting her chopsticks down. "Are you leaving already?"

"Yeah, I was going to head over to class a little early."

"At least let me walk you," Sakura offered. "I didn't get to do anything else I wanted to do for you this morning." The second Kakashi smiled and agreed, Sakura rose from the table.

"Okay, okay," he heard him say as she hastily walked away to get ready.

* * *

 

The walk across town had been relatively normal-at least, under the conditions of the mission. As always, they would either walk arm-in-arm, or they would be holding hands as they strolled along. Sakura noticed that Kakashi was effectively dodging any  _ real _ conversation about their meeting with Sasuke, save for the objective to find out more information. By the time they had reached Masuyo Institute, she had also noticed that he was smiling more often than usual, and if she wasn't imagining it, he had an expression of tenderness when he turned to face her.

And when they reached his studio, Sakura thought she was dreaming… but not because of their seemingly idyllic walk together, no. Sakura thought she was dreaming because when Kakashi slipped his hand out of hers, he placed it on her chin, tilted her head back, and kissed her on her forehead. She must've looked like a deer in headlights when she looked up, be the expression on his face was not one she had seen before. There was a softness and a confidence combined, a look that told her that he absolutely knew what he was doing before saying goodbye for the day.

He had whispered, "See you later, Sakura-chan." And when he walked away with a smirk, she thought her legs would turn into jelly. Once he disappeared through the door of Studio 12, Sakura found her strength and slowly stumbled away. Something was  _ different _ about Kakashi today-he held her through the night, he seemed uncharacteristically cheerful, and then he kissed her on her forehead. All of that was new… and although she couldn't deny that she liked it, there was something about all of this happening in rapid succession that had her reeling, back pedaling.

Why didn't he call her Haruna? They were in public, and never before had he addressed her by her real name outside of the confines of their home, especially while doing something romantic. She found herself considering the intentions behind Kakashi's words and actions. Was it actually directed towards her? He had to have said it on purpose… or did he just  _ forget _ their mission for a moment? But forgetting meant that it had to be  _ real _ , right?

The butterflies in her stomach wouldn't calm down, and she felt something  _ like the sun _ radiating through her chest, as if the sun could be physically possessed and absorbed. It was so strong that she couldn't help her giddiness, so strong that she couldn't contain it within her. She realized she couldn't rationalize Kakashi's choice to speak her real name when he kissed her. But with that realization, Sasuke's image came knocking of the front door of her consciousness. And again she wondered about her feelings—beginning to analyze the situation as she stroked around the school courtyard with no particular destination.

Behind all that giddiness was the persistent nag of  _ doubt _ . With every flutter of her heart came the tickle of guilt-that she should feeling this way for _ Sasuke, _ that  _ Sasuke _ should have been doing this thing for her, telling herself that she wanted this from  _ Sasuke _ . And there was something about the seeming pursuit of another man that made the call for Sasuke's touch seem stronger. All of Kakashi's attention, even if it was an act, made Sakura feel like she  _ needed _ Sasuke to show her that she belonged to him: heart, body, and soul. And in truth, though she wouldn't necessarily admit it so eloquently in words, she needed to know that Sasuke still could ignite passions within her. And truthfully, this question arose because she and Sasuke had really done nothing but fight or pretend nothing was wrong since before the mission had begun.

When was the last time Sasuke  _ really _ made her feel unconditionally loved? When was the last time he truly made her feel supported? When was the last time he made her smile…?

She couldn't even answer her own questions. Because with every slight memory in which he somewhat accomplished those things, there was always doubt, loneliness, or the thought of his departure lingering in the shadows of her mind. And for this reason, she really needed Sasuke to show her that whatever they had between them was still there. She would try her best to figure things out the next time Sasuke was around. She had to.  _ He _ had to… or else she couldn't promise herself or him that she would able to stop herself from…

* * *

 

Sakura walked absently through the courtyard, eyes locked in the floor immediately in front of her, drowning in her thoughts until a flash of silvery lilac and black crossed in front of her.

She looked up for a moment only to see Sayuri walking past her, clutching a canvas, a portable easel, and a bag in her arms. Sayuri seemed to have a sparkle in her eyes, looking unusually attentive-or at least, much more attentive than she looked in class the day prior. Sakura watched her seat herself onto a concrete bench and set up her easel. She picked up her canvas and was about to place it when she briefly glanced in the direction of Sakura's unmoving figure. Her eyes lit up.

Before Sayuri had a chance to say anything, Sakura registered that this was her opportunity: "Sayuri-san," Sakura began as she slowly walked in her direction. Sayuri offered her a warm yet timid smile, her demeanor overwhelmingly sweet and shy. "Sorry, I wasn't sure that it was you. I'm Haruna, from the painting class."

"How could I forget?" Sayuri responded lightly, still as ghost-like and strangely melodic as Sakura remembered. "I could never forget such beautiful hair." She patted the concrete in front of her, inviting Sakura to take a seat.

Sakura chuckled nervously, blushing a little from the compliment, and then took a seat with the easel between them. "Thanks, it's an unusual hair color, I know."

"But what a lovely unusual color to have," Sayuri added with a smile. "Can I ask you something?" Sakura tilted her head in anticipation of the question, nodding. "This might seem strange, but… would you allow me to paint you?"

Sakura's eyes widened in surprise. She certainly wasn't expecting such a question and it brought out a more bashful side of her. "I… um… sure…?" Suddenly, she was conscious of her hair and her simple civilian outfit. It was just a white sweater and her pastel yellow scarf. Sayuri's amethyst eyes seemed so bright and looked so hopeful. Her face was full of life and color, her smile so soft, hair tumbling down her shoulders in loose waves. Sakura thought that she was pretty, and though she certainly looked around 25, there was something both mature yet youthful about her. And since Sakura had to get to know Sayuri, she couldn't really say no.

"I'm sorry," Sayuri giggled, "It was such a forward question… but you're like the refreshing image of spring against the canvas of fall colors."

"No, it's okay," Sakura replied nervously, "I just didn't expect that is all. But you continue to flatter me."

"No flattery needed," she spoke, beginning to pull out her brushes and paint. "You're genuinely quite beautiful." She took out a little saucer and poured a splash of water within it. She swirled her brush in it.

"Should I… be sitting in a particular way?" Sakura asked, not quite sure how to act in this situation.

"No," she said. "Just be yourself. Even if you're moving around, I'll be able to capture what I see."

Sakura was in awe of her words. First of all, other than the sound of her voice, Sayuri was absolutely different from how she imagined her to be. What Sakura saw in class seemed to be a different person from the person sitting in front of her now. There was something confident about Sayuri-like she knew exactly what her abilities were and what she could do-but despite that, there was a sincere humbleness about her. She was not overbearing, not too proud-she simply seemed like someone who was happy to put her world onto a canvas, to bring her vision to life.

"Sayuri-san, I saw your sample paintings yesterday. You're so talented. Can I ask how you got into painting?" Sakura asked while attempting to sit still, even though she was instructed to relax.

"Hmm…." Sayuri mused thoughtfully while stroking her brush against the canvas, her eyes flickering back and forth between the canvas and Sakura; this made Sakura nervous for some reason-like she needed to see what she was painting. "When I was small, my parents were always traveling… selling shinobi tools. At first, they made a living simply selling in the marketplace, but then shinobi stopped coming to our village. As shinobi invented more and more jutsu, the less need they had for shinobi tools. And so my parents left to become traveling salesmen, leaving me alone with my grandmother. I started drawing to keep myself busy, and one day my grandmother bought me watercolor paint… painting has been a friend to me ever since."

Sayuri's story made Sakura feel guilty, as though she was personally to blame for the commerce failure of her parents' business. She was, after all, a shinobi yet she did not use much more than the occasional kunai and shuriken herself. And it was clear to Sakura that Sayuri could see the change in Sakura's expression.

"Don't feel bad for me," she urged sweetly, smiling softly as she looked affectionately at her canvas. "After all, melancholy is the soul of the artist."

"That's a beautiful and sad thought," Sakura replied, surveying the courtyard with her eyes and taking in all the colors of the fall trees. "It reminds me of my husband."

_ Which husband? _ her mind kicked in. For a moment, Sasuke's austere face flashed before her internal eye before being quickly replaced by Kakashi's prudent smile.

"Husband?" Sayuri asked with interest.

Sakura nodded. "Yes, maybe you've seen him. He's tall and strong and has messy silver hair."

Sayuri hummed and then responded, "I've heard of him, but I haven't seen him. Some of the village ladies have mentioned that he's handsome."

"Is that so…" Sakura said with a slight blush, squirming a little. She was strangely both proud and a little jealous. She wasn't sure why.

Sayuri paused, dropping her hand onto her lap and looked warmly at Sakura, "There aren't very many handsome looking men with silver hair here, you know? You're quite the pair of strange-haired lovers. Does he go to Masuyo too?"

"Actually, he's in his calligraphy class right now. I'm here because I just dropped him off. He started writing poetry for this class." Sakura paused afterward, making hesitant eye contact with Sayuri who seemed to be observing her. Even though she had been looking back and forth between her and the canvas, this made her shift-Sayuri's smile was growing wider.

"You must be his muse," she suggested, seeming to pay extra attention to Sakura's reaction.

This of course made Sakura's cheeks flare. "O-of course not! I mean… I don't know. I haven't read much of his poetry."

Sayuri giggled lightly, adding somewhat playfully: "Then how do you know that his poetry is isn't about you?"

_ In the dim of the night, _ she heard his voice in her memory,  _ and the dark corners of my mind, the only light I see is you… _

She started wondering if that poem  _ was _ about her. Kakashi did have a dark past, and he had remained alone all these years.  _ His smile, his laugh… _ she thought. She had been so lucky to share in those moments as of recently, but how often did he do these things while he was alone in Konoha? And after he wrote that poem, they had a  _ moment _ on the couch together… She thought back to the kiss they almost shared… the look he gave her the night of the fireworks… the teddy bear he won for her.

Blushing furiously, Sakura shook off those thoughts, these memories that they had shared together. No, that poem could be about any one, or possibly no one, for that matter.

And then from the corner of her eye, she saw Sayuri raise her brush and begin painting again. The smile had not faded.

"Haruna-san," she said in an  _ almost _ whisper. "Just now, you looked like teenager falling in love for the first time." She began to paint fiercely, her hands moving as if she were orchestrating a piece of audible music onto a canvas; not once did she look away from her work in front of her. Her eyes suddenly taking on the form of a soft determination, smile remaining.

"How nice it must be… to have a man whom after all these years can make love feel so brand new," she pondered as her brush moved masterfully.

Sakura was stunned into silence.  _ A teenager falling in love? _ She couldn't make sense of it, she couldn't picture it. What kind of face did she give? All she knew was that the moment those words slipped from Sayuri's mouth, the butterflies that had found momentary rest released themselves into a frenzy within her.

_ Love? With Kakashi? _

And then there was nothing but the sound of birds, the occasional footsteps of passersby, the scraping of Sayuri's brush, Sakura's heart beat, and the rampant flurry of her thoughts.

* * *

 

As Kakashi left his first class of the semester, he walked out feeling that it was relatively uneventful. His course was full of balding older men in monotonous colored yukatas. Unlike Sakura's first day, there were no random outbursts of younger artists, only the silent muttering of men pondering over the quality of their brush strokes or the content of their poetry. Perhaps calligraphy didn't lend itself to the more eccentric kinds of people.

Kakashi wasn't a young man himself, but he certainly couldn't help himself from feeling like he wasn't possibly  _ that _ old.

At least, his  _ looks _ had to have said otherwise, right?

And unlike Sakura, his professor, Miyamoto-san, was quite accepting and was full of praise for Kakashi's poetry. Perhaps he had a knack for it after all, but he wouldn't dare let Sakura know. He didn't want her to feel worse than she did about her painting abilities…

As he walked toward their home and through the marketplace, he wondered:  _ what was Sakura doing right now? _

Even further, he wondered how Sakura had dealt with his kiss on the forehead earlier that morning. He had hoped she would like it, and if her pink cheeks were any indicator, perhaps she did. But her silence and wide eyes made him a little nervous. Maybe he was coming on a little too strong. It had only been half a day since he concluded he wouldn't stop his impulses, but already he had held her at night and kissed her forehead. He didn't consider then that maybe Sakura wouldn't respond so readily.

Kakashi sighed. He had never really had an issue with wooing women—not that he was absolutely trying to woo her—but for some reason, he was stumbling over himself for Sakura. Usually, he'd play it cool and they'd just come to him, but this? This was different. And even though he told himself that he could make Sakura happier than Sasuke could, he didn't know why that really mattered. Was he suggesting to himself that Sakura should leave Sasuke for  _ him _ ?

He really needed to regain his cool.

"Takashi-san!"

Kakashi turned his attention to the right where he found Fujiko waving energetically in his direction, beckoning him to approach her.

"Hello, Fujiko-san. How are you today?" Kakashi smirked warmly at her while stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"Business as usual," she grinned. "How was your first class session?"

"Mine was pretty uneventful, to be honest," Kakashi reached a hand up and buried it in his hair as he spoke. "Haruna had a much more interesting day. I think she's already making friends."

"Well, she's a sociable one, from what I can tell. An easy thing to approach."

"Yeah," he replied with a smile.

"You ought to go home to celebrate," Fujiko urged joyfully.

"Celebrate?"

"The first day of school is always a monumental day! It's the start of a new chapter in your lives. Treat your wife to something nice!"

Kakashi stared at her with raised eyebrows.

"Listen here, young man. Both of you start working for Zenhichi and I tomorrow. Take advantage of your time tonight. Just because you married her doesn't mean you get to stop treating her special!"

"You're right," Kakashi chuckled. He had to concede for the sake of appearances or else he was certain Fujiko wouldn't let up, "Any flower shops nearby?"

"That's more like it! Three stalls down, then turn left. If you keep going down that aisle, you'll see the local florist."

"Thanks, Fujiko-san. I know who to turn to for advice." Kakashi began to walk away as he waved lightly.

"Don't you know it," she joked. "And tell Haruna that I'll see her tomorrow!"

Kakashi nodded in confirmation as he headed in the direction of the flower stall, deciding on an assortment of daisies as he went.

* * *

 

When Kakashi pushed the door open, he found Sakura belly-down on the couch, kicking her bare legs up in the air, while reading Icha Icha. She was wearing lounging clothes-her typical shorts and loose t-shirt. Her hair was parted in the middle, secured in a loose ponytail at the base of her neck-the same way she typically wore it nowadays. He had to admit that he was beginning to get used to the sight of her looking so homely, so comfortable-and he liked it. She was just as beautiful this way as she was in public. Perhaps he even preferred her like this.

As he walked in with the flowers, Sakura peered up from the top of the turquoise book.

"Daises?" she asked inquisitively.

"Yeah, they're for you," he smiled with his eyes closed, listening for a reaction. And although the silence only spanned about two seconds, it was enough for him to continue. Maybe she was uncomfortable with what happened earlier after all. He heard her close the book. "I ran into Fujiko-san on the way home. She insisted I bring something home for you since we both finished our first classes."

"Oh," she said, lifting herself off of the couch. She got up to approach him and took the flowers from him. "Well, even if it was forced-thank you." She walked to the kitchen counter to retrieve a cup for them, filled it with water, the set it by the window.

"I wouldn't say it was  _ forced _ ," Kakashi replied enthusiastically as he placed his bags down by the door. "I'm the one who decided on getting flowers after all. And I picked them myself."

The first thing Kakashi did was head towards their dresser, pull off his sweater, and put on his masked short sleeve. He was just more comfortable that way, even if Sakura was used to seeing his face by now, he would never get used to it. As he shuffled through his clothing, he heard Sakura mention that she had prepared some ume onigiri for lunch. And once he was dressed more like himself, he turned to sit at the table, where he found a canvas covered in a paper bag.

"What's this?" he asked, beginning to reach for it.

Suddenly Sakura seemed as startled as a cat; her shoulders and hair lifted, and she ran from the counter to snatch the canvas. "I-it's nothing!" Kakashi studied her expression-her eyes were wide and for some reason, she was blushing furiously. He didn't know why, as he was sure that there was nothing he could have done in this moment to cause it.

"Well, that reaction sure doesn't seem like nothing," he joked, staring at her questioningly as he slid into the chair. Her lips seemed to be pursed as she clutched the canvas tightly into her chest. The expression on her face indicated to Kakashi that she was thinking about sharing whatever secret was behind it. He dropped an elbow onto the table and rested his face on his palm, still staring at Sakura with a raised eyebrow, waiting.

"I… ran into Sayuri after you left for class," she began, still blushing and avoiding eye contact. "She, uh… asked if she could paint a portrait of me."

"Oh, I've got to see this," Kakashi said with a grin, leaning back onto the chair. When Sakura's eyebrows creased and her lips puckered further, he knew he had to encourage her. "What is it? You don't like it?"

"It's not that…" she replied, grip loosening on the canvas. "It's…" and then she couldn't finish her sentence. The pink tint on her cheeks was getting replaced by a deeper shade of red.

Kakashi stared at her with slight confusion. He'd heard many times that women were perplexing, and although this wasn't his first experience with this type of behavior, it was the first time in awhile. Sakura seemed to have a knack for bringing these thoughts to the forefront of his mind. To him, it had to have been because she didn't like it. Why else would she be so intent on hiding it?

"Hey," he said softly, reaching his hand out to grab her wrist and then standing. He held the wrist lightly yet brought it down with his hand as he dropped it to his side, still holding her gently. She seemed to allow it; with her free hand, she moved the canvas away from her chest and placed it face down on the table. Sakura's expression did not change, but she returned her eyes to him. As he looked at her, he noticed that there was something like reluctance reflected in her eyes. And although, there was nothing between them now but one foot of empty space, she seemed to feel both near and far at the same time. "Look," he said soothingly, "I don't know what the painting looks like, but I'm sure there's absolutely no way it isn't pretty."  _ What else could it be? _

_ If it's not that she thinks she looks ugly... then maybe it was the flowers? _

While he was attempting to understand her behavior in his mind, he turned his head to look at the canvas on the table. And although it was facing down, enough of it was peeking out of the bag that he could see the light scribble of marker on the wooden frame. Kakashi's eyes widened; in a split-second, a short few words had sent his mind into a whirlwind.

It read in ornate writing: " _ To Haruna-san's Husband… this expression of love is only for you. _ "

And what a whirlwind it was… 

Kakashi's eyes darted back to meet Sakura's hesitant gaze. He could tell that she'd realized that he'd seen the message. There was still something like fear being conveyed… but for the first time, he thought he recognized something else. And for all he knew, he was transmitting the same expression back to her.

_ Love? _ He asked himself.

Suddenly, moments between he and Sakura flashed through his memory… an image of her resting face upon the teddy bear he had won for her... Her soft gaze when he'd almost kissed her… the fire he had seen in her eyes then… 

The word was like a trigger. Although he had allowed himself to consider the word once or twice in his own private thoughts, to see it here materialized-recognized and written by another person was something entirely novel.

He was looking for  _ it _ now. Yes, there was  _ fear _ in her eyes, but there was  _ fear _ within him too. The word love had shocked itself into his consciousness. He was afraid--afraid of admitting it to himself. And although there had been evidence to argue that he should have realized it earlier, he was afraid that-even though he was feeling similarly-that Sakura might be falling in love with him too.

There were so many  _ what-ifs. _ There were so many things that acknowledging this word could  **change** ... _ really, really change _ . And all of those  _ what-ifs _ were right there, swirling in her bright green eyes, caught in the breath that he was holding.

He felt her pulse racing beneath his grasp. He wondered if she could feel his.

He had to admit to himself that he was probably over-analyzing this moment like a ridiculous teenager-Sakura hadn't said anything… he didn't even see the painting, and maybe the painting didn't really mean anything. Maybe he was just fooling himself into thinking these things just now.

But he couldn't help it. When he looked into her eyes, he thought he could see  _ something deeper _ behind that look of fear, beneath the layers of reasoning behind the blush on her cheeks.

Maybe he was only seeing the subdued love in her eyes because that silly little note on the canvas frame made him look for it.

But was it really there?

He couldn't help but tell himself…  _ yes. Yes it is. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Ahhh, Kakashi. Going back-and-forth. It seems like he acknowledges things and then brushes them off entirely... and then forgets that he had already recognized these things in the first place. But they're getting somewhere. He's starting to really accept it now. Our main man can't be infallible, especially in regards to his first legitimate love interest. In my mind, I wouldn't say he's inexperienced per say, but... Sakura's not like the rest. Whatever he experienced in the past was temporary; she's the real deal!


	20. The Catalyst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Sooooo... A lot of words here. Like a lot of them. Feelings and mush. Be prepared. I couldn't keep all of you in anticipation for too long. I had to start writing this one immediately. The cliffhanger worked on me too. You all have been commenting about the tension-filled moments. Well, there's plenty to go around. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

When Kakashi tore his eyes away from her and diverted his attention towards the canvas, Sakura thought her chest might explode. She watched him read Sayuri's message and then jerk his head back as his eyes widened in surprise.

It was as if the world was moving in slow motion; she was so worried about what would happen next once he discovered it, especially since Kakashi had been a little more romantically forward than usual. If it weren't for those interactions, and for the feelings she recognized that she had for him, couldn't they just have laughed it off?

But his widened eyes informed her that her hesitations about this painting were accurate—he was seeing something  _ not _ as platonic as he should about this message, just like her. And she knew it now. This really was no longer a platonic relationship. They were no longer just friends. There was a new layer to their relationship, and she realized it the moment Sayuri spoke those words.

He looked away from her again and towards the canvas. "This expression of love is only for you…" she heard him recite in awe, and in an instant she recalled the image of Sayuri seated in front of her behind the canvas.

* * *

 

Sayuri and Sakura had sat in silence for the remainder of the painting session, giving Sakura some much needed time to reflect on what it was exactly that she was feeling and experiencing. Sakura had watched her expression remain particularly jubilant, and though her wide smile did not persist, the curl of her pleased lips lingered afterwards. The determination she wore morphed into a softened look of satisfaction, like one who was content of the after effects of a euphoric high. But despite Sayuri's remarkable ability to thrust Sakura into facing her own conflicted feelings, Sakura had to force herself to put them aside-at least for a moment-to break a little more ground in this mission.

"Sayuri-san," Sakura called as Sayuri seemed to be wrapping up her work.

"Hmm?" she hummed, not looking away from the canvas.

"I was thinking..." Sakura began carefully. "When I saw your work for the first time yesterday, I really thought that you were amazing. When Imada-sensei came to review your paintings, she had nothing but good things to say… but for me…"

"Ah, well, Hatsue-san has known me for many years," replied Sayuri, who clearly was on a first name basis with their instructor. "But don't take her criticism too personally. We all have to start somewhere, and now you have a starting place. And as long as you find your passion for it, you'll be fine."

"I get that," sighed Sakura. "I just… felt so out of place in there. You, Yuuto, and Itsuki were all  _ so good _ , and I… well…"

There was a brief moment of silence as Sakura attempted to finish her 'plea.'

"Like you said, I have to start somewhere… and I was wondering… Would you be willing to teach me a few things?" She raised her eyebrows, offering a genuine look to her appeal for help. And although it was absolutely based on the mission, it was really a bonus to get much needed help on her art skills.

With that request, Sayuri turned her head away from the canvas and put her brush down on the easel tray. She placed her hands on her lap and smiled brightly. "Haruna-san," she began. "I will do so under two conditions." Sakura tilted her head in anticipation. "First, I ask that you please give this painting to your husband. It belongs to him. And secondly, you'll have to tell me how he reacts to it."

Sakura's face instantly flared in embarrassment, thinking about what kind of a reaction she could possibly get out of Kakashi. "Sayuri-san, I couldn't possibly… not after you've worked so hard on it."

"Nonsense," she interjected cheerfully, eyes closed with a smile. "If you're going to be some kind of a student to me, then you must understand this: this is the kind of painting that can only be loved by its  _ true _ recipient-the catalyst for that look in your eyes-and it will give love back."

And again, Sakura found herself at a loss for words.  _ Love _ she had said-again.

Sayuri continued: "As an artist, this is what I do… I aim to make emotions tangible. Take that as your first lesson from me. What do you say?"

With no other way out, and really no  _ real _ reason to reject her proposal, Sakura nodded slowly, feeling as though she were looking at Sayuri through the child who was learning about the world around her. Despite her small and wraith-like voice, she sounded so adult, so confident, and so wise. And with that response, Sayuri picked up the canvas from the sides and delicately held it in Sakura's direction, painting still facing Sayuri and out of Sakura's sight. "Be gentle with it. It's not completely dry yet."

Sakura was about to grip onto the canvas before Sayuri suddenly asked her to wait. Holding the canvas in one hand, she dug into her pack with the other until she pulled out a black marker. Sayuri tilted the canvas downward, wooden frame facing upwards, and she began to write something onto the frame. Sakura watched her silently until Sayuri offered it to her. She accepted it with curiosity, and peered down onto the frame to see the message scribbled there. When she did, Sakura's eyes shot up to meet Sayuri's smiling face.

"It can only be truly loved by the person it was meant for," she repeated, taking in Sakura's blushing face. "I'll see you tomorrow, Haruna-san."

"T-thank you," Sakura replied meekly, forcing a small smile. Holding the canvas downward and carefully away from her body to avoid smearing the paint, Sakura took a few steps backwards. She was took afraid to look at the painting, especially in front of Sayuri (whom she felt understood as she never urged her to do otherwise). Sakura waved lightly and called out, "Tomorrow then!" Sayuri nodded and then turned away to pack her things, prompting Sakura to turn away and head home.

Afterwards, Sakura had successfully made it home without looking at the painting. Despite the ever growing urge to flip it over it public, she resisted, and felt that it would indeed be best to view it from the comfort of her home.

Besides, she couldn't quite get the butterflies to settle down. What exactly did Sayuri mean by "the look?" What did it look like to be a teenager falling in love for the first time? And that question created so much apprehension within her. Not only because she wasn't sure what that looked like, but because she had apparently exhibited that look while thinking about Kakashi.

_ Kakashi _ , she thought.  _ Love? _

But here she was, standing in front of the dining table of her kitchen area, wondering exactly what this painting would reveal to her. Maybe it would tell her everything, but it was equally as possible that it would tell her absolutely nothing.

Her fingers traced across Sayuri's message:  _ only for you _ . Whatever look she had made  _ belonged _ to Kakashi, or at least that was the way Sayuri saw it. Only Kakashi could appreciate it simply because it was made with him in mind. And as her fingers gently followed the strokes of each letter, she imagined Kakashi's face.

Would he be shocked? Would it be of love?

_ Love… _

What did all of this mean? She couldn't possibly _love_ Kakashi, right? But in that moment, she couldn't deny at all that she felt something for him at all-in fact, that was impossible. She _knew_ with certainty that she did… because every time she tried to think about Sasuke as she walked home, she would be bombarded by thoughts of Kakashi's smile. And she wondered… _is it possible for me to love two men?_ _Is it possible that I just… don't love Sasuke anymore?_ But that thought was an unwelcome one. For some reason, the idea that she loved Kakashi _too_ was more acceptable to her than the idea of not loving Sasuke. But… what would it mean for her and Sasuke if she truly accepted that feelings _were,_ in fact, there for another man?

As she pulled out the chair, and held the back of the canvas away from her, she considered Kakashi's face again. He was so handsome… but there was more to it than that: he was enthralling in every way. She couldn't think of a single thing about him at this point that she  _ didn't _ like. She tried to imagine the moment that she recognized Kakashi as an attractive man for the first time-by the fire, eyes twinkling underneath low lids in front of her, his chiseled jawline exposed and resting on a palm. And while yes, the mental image was still  _ so _ attractive and absolutely sparked tingles within her, this was not just physical attraction to him. This was now far beyond that. It was no longer his raw sexiness that was consuming her, it was  _ his smile, _ the smile that so few people were lucky to see. It was his companionship. It was utterly and unmistakably  _ him _ .

Looking back at her interactions with him in Konoha, she wondered if her feelings for Kakashi had formed earlier than she thought. They were so  _ free _ when they were together. It was Kakashi who led her to the realization that she was a capable kunoichi, that being a mother wasn't all she had to offer this world. She remembered: Kakashi's stern voice yet gentle, affectionate look when he told her that he believed in her; how happy she was to be sparring again, going on missions, the unspoken communication between them; the embrace she subconsciously decided to give him when she was worried about Sasuke's approval; the stupid letter he sent her after she had spent the previous night literally bawling herself into a stupor. Even  _ then _ , she realized, there was such a stark contrast between her relationship with Sasuke and her relationship with Kakashi.

He made her smile after all of that madness, all of the madness and confusion brought about by Sasuke's absence. After 13 years of loneliness and being left without a sense of direction… it was Kakashi who brought her to her senses.

Maybe it was always there… but without this mission, perhaps she would have never recognized it…

Yet there was something about this revelation that was paradoxically liberating and incarcerating at the same time. She found herself smiling over her finally realized feelings for Kakashi, but she felt a dull kind of torment in her chest. Love was such a troublesome occurrence. She lifted her arm and grasped the fabric right above her chest; tears threatened the rim of her eyes.

Only the word  _ betrayal _ came to mind: falling for another man was a betrayal to the one man she was meant to love and commit to unconditionally, but she couldn't help but feel that she was experiencing this because  _ Sasuke betrayed her expectations as a husband _ . But that wasn't fair, because in retrospect, she should have known that she could never have changed Sasuke's true nature. And to think this was unfair to Kakashi. It was almost like belittling all of the wonderful qualities Kakashi had shown her. She was falling for Kakashi not only because of Sasuke's shortcomings, but because Kakashi himself was damn near  _ perfect _ in every way imaginable… but she was married. And even if Sasuke couldn't commit to her in the way she wanted, did it mean she had the right to do the same? She had made this choice. She placed herself in this position, even if she didn't quite know that this would be the outcome.

Though tears began to freely stream down her cheeks, Sakura's fingers finally began to curl over the edges of the canvas, ready to see whatever insight Sayuri had about her  _ real _ emotions-if she really saw anything in the painting at all. But as she slowly turned the canvas around, she realized that it wouldn't matter what she saw there; regardless of the image painted on the other side, in truth, all it took were a few words to lead Sakura to fully accept that  _ yes… she had fallen for Kakashi _ .

 

The painting was beautiful. And although Sakura felt as though she were lacking humility, it wasn't her personal beauty that she was tuning into. It was the soft pastel colors, the thick strokes of abstract smeared paint that somehow formed into a soft image of Sakura without the fine lines of traditional painting. Sakura took the likeness of herself in; she was there, seated in front of a circular expanse of orange, yellow, and brown colors-her blush colored hair unfurling over her shoulder, tucked behind her neck, as she peered gingerly into whatever view that was in front of her. Sayuri utilized her white-space well; she had not used the entire canvas; instead it seemed that the scenery was a halo around Sakura, the focal point being her face.

It was her eyes. They were a minty green color-refreshing, tender-lids set low, giving the appearance of sheer affection. Her eyes were indeed displaying a look of blissful reminiscence; the Sakura before her in painted form had been so clearly elsewhere, her mind traveling to fond memories. And if her eyes were not enough of an indicator, the roseate stain on her cheekbones and the positioning of her lips were another. Sakura was not smiling in the painting-no. Instead, the likeness of her happiness was something holistically captured. As if her mouth were not capable of frowning, as if her lips were permanently placed in an  _ ever-so-slight _ upward curve, radiating some sort of a long term elation.

Sakura finally understood Sayuri's words. Sayuri  _ did _ make Sakura's affection into something that you could  _ touch _ ; it was corporeal and no longer abstract, no longer a secret. For a moment, Sakura considered hypothetically giving this painting to Sasuke, and how much of a violation that would be not only to Kakashi, but to Sayuri. This look  _ wasn't _ for him. The depth behind it would be lost, truthfully. Kakashi  _ was _ the catalyst, and if Sakura couldn't belong to him, this moment, this look, this painting  _ did _ . Eternally. And Sayuri, with all her passion for capturing emotions, did just that…

Suddenly, Sakura hastily stood up in her chair and stormed away to find a bag large enough to cover the canvas. Despite all of her revelations and her tears, she didn't quite know how she was going to do this, or what she was going to do. She just wanted to cover it up as if that would make all of her questions go away. And when she did so, she leaned it against the foot of the table. Once her hands were free, she covered her eyes with her palms and channeled her chakra to remove any signs of crying.

She needed to distract herself somehow. And although she wasn't cold, she crossed her arms and rubbed her arms furiously, looking around the room to see what she could do. Painting was out of the question, but….

Her eyes fell upon a turquoise book laying on the dresser beside the pink teddy bear Kakashi had won for her.

Reading was not out of the question.

Perhaps Icha Icha wasn't the best distraction. But she wanted to know… Did Ayame ever leave that Prince she was arranged to marry? Did she ever have the courage to formally accept Takeshi as her lover?

She was now resolved to find out, and although she knew it was silly to turn to Jiraiya, of all people, for answers, Sakura realized that the parallels between their plight were just too similar for her to pass up. She was desperate… and it would do until the time came to face Kakashi.

* * *

 

And now, that time was here. He was going to look at it. He had to after reading that.

One foot of space was between them. Kakashi gingerly held onto her wrists, his fingers aching to pull her fingers through his. He turned his face away from hers to look again at the canvas, rereading the words aloud:  _ This expression of love is only for you… _

He felt Sakura tense in his hand for a moment, signaling to him that these words were  _ more _ than just words. Slowly, he curled his fingers around the edge of the canvas and began to pull it of of the bag. She didn't stop him. And he made sure not to create any distance between them; all movements happened with one hand off to the side, bodies still. He saw Sakura's head droop from the side of his eye, her hair falling over the sides of her face.

When he turned the canvas over and dropped it onto the table, what he saw was quite literally  _ breathtaking _ . This Sayuri woman was indeed one of the most amazing artists Kakashi had ever seen, and perhaps he felt biased towards it because he was just so emotionally connected to the subject of the painting. He traced his hand over it and allowed it to slide down to the base of the canvas.

Sakura looked like an angel. The color of her skin was glowing, and her long, pink locks, allowed her to stand out from the wreath of fall colors around her. And her eyes… those jade eyes were like the ocean… the sweet expression on her face that threatened to drown him in his own complete tsunami of affection.  _ That look… is only for me… _ he spoke to himself, remembering the artist's caption.

Kakashi thought that he would go crazy. He lost all restraint. All and any form of formality. The idea that  _ he _ was the cause of  _ that expression _ somehow was making everything within him go absolutely berserk. He  _ had _ to know.

"Sakura," he whispered, still looking at the painting… fingers finally sliding off of the edge. She didn't answer. His free hand lifted now to grasp her on the waist; he gently tugged her in his direction and slid both hands around her back. Unlike the last time, she didn't immediately return his embrace, but she rested her forehead on his chest. "We agreed that… we would be honest about what we want and how we were feeling on this mission, didn't we?" Kakashi asked her this question softly, and although he was desperate and everything within him was on a rampage, he knew he had to proceed delicately.

"Yeah," she said weakly; she began to tremble lightly in his arms. Perhaps it was out of fear… or was she crying?

"Sakura," he whispered again, but this time with more strain in his deep voice. "I… need to know. What did she mean by that…?"

He waited for a few seconds in silence. Sakura finally lifted her hands, placed them on his elbows and slid them up the back of his arms. She wrapped her hand around his triceps. "She was asking me about you and…" she paused briefly before quietly continuing. He wondered if she was considering what to say.

"After we talked about you a little bit, she said that this was the look that I had…" Sakura pressed her forehead onto his chest even harder, hands gripping a little tighter onto his arms. And then she mumbled something… he couldn't understand her. It was almost like a whisper. He felt her breath penetrating his sweater.

"Tell me. Please…" he almost begged. He had to know, he needed his suspicions to be confirmed.  _ Forget pride _ , he thought to himself.

" _ How nice it must be to have a man whom after all these years can make love feel so brand new… _ " she whispered it again, but this time it was coherent. She raised her chin to meet Kakashi in the eye. Yes, she was crying. "That's… what she said to me about you."

He was baffled. He was baffled by these words, he was baffled by the feelings raging inside of him, but he was even more baffled by the look in her eyes. The fear was still there, but there was something stronger behind it, more confident, more sure… but confused at the same time. And although he couldn't make sense of it, he understood it… but he wanted to  _ know _ .

He exhaled sharply, raggedly, his eyebrows furrowing as if he were upset-but to the contrary, he wasn't upset. This wasn't the kind of aching agony of sadness that he was so accustomed to, this was the aching kind of agony of absolute confusion--the confusion of getting absolutely what you wanted yet being utterly fucking terrified that you were getting it. His hand slid up her back until it rested at the base of her neck-just like he had done once before-and he lightly dug his fingers into her hair, pushing her head towards his until their foreheads were touching, and his nose was grazing hers.

Her eyes fluttered shut but he remained steadfast in his gaze. Their lips were so close. He could feel the breath playing on his lips.

"Kakashi…" Sakura was almost whimpering, and he felt every syllable graze upon the tip of his lips. And although this was the kind of scenario that  _ should be _ completely turning him on, it wasn't. He was just too consumed by his emotions, by what was happening, by his terror.  _ This _ was uncontaminated passion.

"Sakura," he whispered again in reply. "I need you to tell me…" He gripped her waist tighter and pulled her closer. "Is that how you feel about me…?"

Her eyes opened slowly, the look between them almost boring a hole into the depths of their deepest desires. "I don't know what it is that I feel," she murmured, sliding her hands upwards and over his shoulders, resting too at the base of his thicker neck. "But I… know I feel  _ something _ ," she admitted as tears fell from her eyes.

Kakashi thought he would lose his damn mind. Hearing her say it was like being thrown into a room with no exit… there was no escape now. They both had known all along that something was happening here between them, and now, there was no going back. And as soon as she said it, all of the fear just disappeared, though he knew it shouldn't. Instead, it was replaced by a forwardness. There were no such thing as consequences at this moment.

He gently fisted the hair within his grasp, and pulled her head back slightly so there were a few more inches of space between their mouths. "I…" he muttered hoarsely. "I don't think I can stop myself if you…" He was attempting to give her a chance to pull away.

He quickly studied her eyes, using the other hand to wipe any tears from her cheeks. Her eyelids were set low, and though her eyebrows were curled upwards in a look of what seemed to be worry, he knew otherwise. Her eyes were like that of the night of the fireworks… like she  _ wanted _ him to kiss her. And then, as he slowly drew her face nearer and nearer, her eyes simply began to quiver.

He knew it then.

Just like those times before, Sakura would not have stopped him.

_ And she wouldn't stop him now _ .

Once that mental note registered in his mind, he immediately pressed his lips against hers. At first, her head moved back from the pressure, but then Sakura returned the kiss with the same force.

Their mouths opened and glided with each other in perfect tempo. It was a slow, long, and sensual kiss. Her tongue was the first to pass the threshold of their lips, and he played along, swirling his around hers. She gave a small suppressed moan in response.

_ Now _ , he was getting turned on, but his mind was blank. He couldn't think; all that was consuming him were the emotions running through  _ his veins _ .

This was nothing like he had experienced before-with  _ any _ woman. This kiss had  _ everything _ behind it. Decades, years, months, weeks, days, hours, and seconds of  _ knowing _ ,  _ growing,  _ and now maybe even  _ loving _ this woman-this woman who  _ used to be _ his student, and was now more than a friend. This kiss was forbiddenness but it was also freedom. It was a violation and a revolution. This kiss was their history. It was the  _ right now.  _ It was what it  _ could be _ .

Sakura broke the kiss for air and inhaled deeply. When she exhaled, she was almost panting, looking up at him in a seemingly desperate state. Kakashi let go over her, only to drop his hands and curl them under her thighs, picking her up to wrap her legs around his torso. Kakashi turned her so that her back was toward the table. He gently swiped the painting off of it so that it landed on the cushioned dining seat.

When he sat her down, not once did she break eye contact. Not even when he laid he back against the table. Not even when his arm slid up her leg and underneath her sweater so that he was clutching the bare skin of her side. Instead, he was met with the sounds of her jagged breathing.

It was just like he remembered it-just like the breath by the fire… the breath on top of the couch. It was the same sound that he touched himself to after he retreated to the bathroom that night. The same sounds that he imagined she was making behind the door while she touched herself to thoughts of him.  _ Oh yes _ , he knew that that was exactly what she did that night because  _ that thought _ had fueled him.

All of the blood in his body flooded south… and he was  _ too _ physically ready for this.

Kakashi muttered "God," under his breath and hovered over her on the table, crashing his lips over hers again-both unhurriedly yet urgently taking her lips between his. And as they kissed, he felt Sakura's hands slide again up his back and around his arms. She was spreading her legs for him, making room for him to position himself between the legs hanging off the side of the table.

But despite the seeming invitation, he did not press himself against her. Instead, he kissed her harder, ran the other hand up and into her sweatshirt as he tucked the existing hand beneath her back as she arched it. His fingers played at the edge of her bra, until finally slipping his fingers just under the band, the tips grazing over where her abdomen turned into the curve of her breasts. And then he slipped his hand around its circumference, the bra tangled around his fingers, still covering the nipple.

She moaned loudly in response, breaking the kiss, biting her lip and then throwing her head back. That had to have been one of the sexiest things he'd heard in his life. And so when she exposed his neck to her, he took it as an invitation to make his mark. He dropped his lips onto her neck and bit lightly before running his tongue across the place he intended to suck harshly on.

Her hands made it into the depths of his silver hair. She was grasping, her mouth dropping open. Kakashi answered her movements by pulling her body onto him, letting her feel what he knew they both wanted in this moment.

And then suddenly, Sakura was grasping his hair harder. She slid one hand down to grasp the line of his jaw and pulled his head upwards to look at her.

"W-wait," she stammered, eyes looking pained. "Kakashi…" She pulled him down into a short series of pecks and then pressed their cheeks together, her lips resting beside his ear. Kakashi moved his forearms on both sides of her head to hold himself up.

"I know this isn't a very convincing argument," she started regretfully, and Kakashi knew where this was headed. "But… I'm married…"

He remained silent for a moment, jaw clenching, mind still blank and reeling.

"And although I  _ do _ feel something for you… I need time… to think about this… to think about what I want."

Sakura's voice was apologetic and gentle. She lifted his head so that he could meet her eyes. Those green depths could get him to do  _ anything _ , and his charcoal eyes were focusing on hers, finally coming back into some form of sense.

"I'm sorry," she spoke, voice quivering, eyes filling and spilling over with tears again. "I really am… but… can you understand?"

She held his face within the palms of her hands, and he stared at her affectionately, eyes morphing from heated desire to tenderness. He picked up a hand and stroked the place where her forehead and hair met. He gave her a small yielding smile and whispered, "I do… I do understand." He then kissed that very spot before lifting himself off of the table, and then offering a hand to Sakura so that she could sit up.

And although the tears were pouring from her ears, she smiled, and her eyes radiated both warm and gratitude. He thought his chest might erupt, but he couldn't help but smile back. Both of them were feeling too much, and both of them, especially Sakura, had every need to stop and think.

"Thank you," she whispered, smiling through her tears. "I knew you'd understand, Kakashi." And then, she pulled his shirt and wrapped her arms around his back, fisting the cloth in her palms as she cried gently into his chest. Kakashi felt the wetness saturate his shirt, but he simply held her, allowed her to cry, and stroked her hair as she let all of her emotions out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Don't be mad! I had to stop it. In fact, I originally just planned for this chapter to be fluff and kisses because, to me, kissing is so much more intimate than sex. But then sexy times happened after the fluff, and when it started happening I was like... I should take it out, but then I couldn't take it out because it messed up the flow! So instead, there were sexy times that had to stop before going anywhere beyond heated kissing. Sorry Tobiramamara, you asked me to end their suffering. They got some kind of release, but it didn't really end it. It's sort of just the beginning. It's not time to end the suffering, but it's also not time for sex. But at least, our main man was sweet about it, don't you think? He handled that abrupt end quite well... anyone catch the subtle parallels to the previous chapters?
> 
> But alas, I started writing this at like 12:30 AM, intending to just start it, and I found a stride. My boyfriend asked me to go to sleep, and I was like NO! I can't! I'm on a roll! It's now 5:30 AM... Anyway, I feel like it was worth it. When the writer's block leaves, you have to roll with it! The next week or two might be super crazy, so I can't promise that I'll be able to update this week, but I hope two updates within a few days will make up for it!
> 
> Thank you guys for reading and commenting! I don't think I'll ever be able to stop saying that it inspires me.


	21. Clandestine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I got stuck on how exactly I wanted this story to progress and so I worked on about 10-12 chapters of detailed outlines in the past two weeks. It's finals week now! I'm sure you know how that goes... Anyway, I couldn't help myself. I had to escape my responsibilities for a day... so here's a pretty mission-centric chapter! And thanks soooo much for all the reviews! You're all so kind. Alumys, I certainly let out a tiny giggle when I saw that you had to come back and comment twice after a few minutes. Thank you thank you! :)

Sakura sat with her legs crossed at the cafe closest to campus, drinking coffee and observing her surroundings. It was Wednesday. She was waiting for Sayuri, who had instructed her to meet here the after suddenly being called out of class. Finally, Sayuri had walked slowly through the door. She looked relatively impassive, a faint smile that seemed to permanently rest on her lips-yet when her eyes scanned the room for Sakura, she saw interest finally cross her face. As soon as Sayuri saw her, she rushed over and took a seat in front of Sakura. 

"Sayuri-san," Sakura greeted. 

"Haruna-san, thanks for coming," she added, gently waving down a waiter with her hands.

"Of course," Sakura responded as one of the workers quickly brought a small menu for her to order from.

 "May I have a small chai tea latte please?" she asked the waiter, then turning her attention to Sakura.

"Where did you go during class?" Sakura asked curiously, then picking up her cup to take a sip of her coffee.

"Ah," she began, "nothing important. Administration just wanted to talk to me about my business potential."

"Business potential?" Sakura instinctively thought about Zenhichi's son who suddenly disappeared after supposedly leaving town to start his business.

"Yeah, no big deal," she concluded, waving her hand to dismiss the topic. Sakura figured she'd pry more as they went, but was careful not to push too hard. The waiter then dropped off Sayuri's drink, who immediately picked it up, blew on the top, and began to sip delicately. 

"Well?" Sayuri asked as eagerly as her hushed voice could manage. Her eyes almost seemed to twinkle with anticipation as she leaned forward and rested her chin upon her palm. Sakura tilted her head inquisitively. "How did he respond to the painting?"

 Sakura leaned back into her chair, sheepishly rubbing the back of her neck as she smiled and chuckled nervously. With her free hand, she reached for the coffee mug, but didn't lift it.

"Hmmm," Sayuri mused as a response to Sakura's silence, intonation rising toward the end. She seemed to squirm giddily in her chair as the sound of her hums indicated that Sayuri had come to a very particular conclusion about Sakura's night. "I see," she inferred with a wide smile.

Well, she wasn't entirely wrong. Sakura could not control the furious hue of red that graced her face.

"Don't be ashamed, Haruna-san," she giggled, eyes closed as she smiled. "You're married after all."

"I-it's not that…" Sakura replied hesitantly. And in that moment, she wasn't entirely sure what "it" was she had referred to.

* * *

 

As Sakura stood in front of the bathroom mirror, she leaned forward and stretched her chin out, exposing her neck and prodding delicately at the red blotchy skin on her neck left from Kakashi's bite. She thought back to that moment-the undeniable heat shared between them in that moment. Her cheeks instantly flared with a touch of pink. This mark on her neck was irrefutable proof that last night had happened-that their relationship was absolutely no longer platonic-that she and Kakashi had ultimately admitted their feelings for one another.

What had happened last night was not the result of teasing. It was not the result of trying to out-seduce the other. What had happened was the genuine result of their emotions for the other person.

She felt something for Kakashi: it was something real, something tangible. So tangible that it threatened to burst out of her chest every time she thought about him, his touch, his smile.

And the blush did not retreat from her face. She considered how sweet he had been when she had asked him to stop, how he had held her as she cried in his arms after coming to the complete realization that Sasuke was no longer the only man in her heart.

Eventually he had gently called her name. Sakura had looked up from his chest with eyes rimmed in red, meeting his warm and ever-caring glance.

"Let's go to bed..." he suggested softly. She stared at him without response. When he lifted his hand and stroked the top of her head, moving wet strands of hair sticking to her cheek behind her ear, she knew that his intentions were innocent. She nodded slowly. Kakashi took her hand then and guided her into the bed. Sakura sat down, still peering up at him almost curiously. She watched as his figure moved around the bed frame and onto his side by the window until he climbed into the bed beside her. Once he pulled his long legs onto the mattress, he looked in her direction, smiling warmly with his mask scrunched up beneath his chin.

That smile, Sakura thought. How could he have hidden it for all these years? She wondered if she was staring at him in awe, and she wondered if he minded. Suddenly, Kakashi's hands moved to brush her cheek, wiping away dried salt trails that had crystallized.

He broke eye contact for a moment, turning to grab a pencil from the bed stand before chucking it in the direction of the light switch. Sakura's head snapped in the direction of the light switch to follow the movement, and in an instant, they were in the dark. His aim was impeccable-as it always had been.

Afterwards, he leaned back against the headboard and slid down into the sheets. He threw the sheet over Sakura's legs, and she watched the silhouette of his body in front of the illuminated window blinds.

"I won't bite," he whispered jokingly, attempting to make light of their night. "We don't even have to sleep back-to-back tonight, promise..."

Relaxing a little, Sakura leaned back and slid down too. She faced him for a moment, the back of her hand tucked between her cheek and her pillow. Kakashi moved his body to mirror hers-both of them looking at each other in the dark.

Given the way the night had unfolded, the few inches of distance between them felt like miles. Her heart felt full and empty simultaneously. There was a strange happiness that consumed her in having admitted her feelings, and having object of her affection return them. It was much like Sayuri had said-something about being a teenager in love for the first time.

But of course, in addition to that, she had also felt the pull and guilt of her commitment to Sasuke. And in an instant, the tears began to sting again before pooling on the bridge of her nose, and spilling over the edge. She saw Kakashi's eyebrows crease upwards at the center, but the gentle look did little to ease her. Instead, it seemed to add to her struggle-because all she really wanted right now, in this moment, was Kakashi.

"Can you... hold me?" She croaked out, stifling a sob as she asked.

Kakashi instantly scooted forward and wrapped his arm around her head, pulling her close.

"All night... if you want me to," he whispered softly. She felt the vibration of his voice in his chest; it soothed her, and although she said nothing in return, she knew that his arms were like a safety net. It was exactly where she wanted to be.

And he had held her all night. When she woke up in the morning, Kakashi was still asleep. She took a moment to stare at his face-which he somehow managed to cover again during the night-and she couldn't resist the small upward curl of her lips. She slowly lifted his arm from her waist and placed it on the space between them as she wiggled out. She heard his breath change-he must've awoken, she thought-but he kept his eyes clothes and nuzzled his head into the pillow, pulling his arm back as she slipped out of the sheets.

 But now, as she stared at her image in the bathroom mirror, the proof of her infidelity, no matter how small, was staring back at her. She had kissed another man and liked it. She had willingly slept in the arms of another man that she now knew she had romantic feelings for.

She had crossed a line-and now the question was: _ is it possible to go back? _

She heard shuffling outside the door, and the sound of faint hammering. Kakashi must be up. She quickly shook her thoughts away and focused again on the mark. Placing her palm on her neck, she began to channel chakra, clearing the blood that had collected underneath her skin and removing any evidence or trace of her betrayal to Sasuke.

She needed to see him. And she would. Because tomorrow was Thursday, and Thursday was when Sasuke was supposed to return.

* * *

 

When Sakura had exited the bathroom, she found Kakashi carefully hanging the painting on the wall by the bed, right above their dresser.

"What are you..." Sakura began asking.

Kakashi turned over and smiled brightly, as if nothing had happened, as if he were completely unbothered by the events that had taken place. He had successfully hung and secured the canvas on the wall, and now had his hands on his hips as if he were proud of his work.

"Well, it's mine, isn't it?" he asked cheerfully. Sakura blushed lightly and nodded in response.

* * *

 

"Haruna-san?" called Sayuri, breaking Sakura from her thoughts.

Sakura blinked a few times and came into her awareness. She looked at Sayuri absently for a moment, and then recognized that she was still here, at a coffee shop, sitting with the person she was supposed to be collecting information from.

But even with the mission in place, Sakura recognizes that Sayuri was really the only person she could even talk to Kakashi about. And although she couldn't tell her everything, what she could say was enough to relieve herself of keeping her emotions entirely pent up. Given her dilemma between Sasuke and Kakashi, she couldn't help but ask out of genuine interest: "Sayuri-san, have you ever been in love?" 

For a moment, Sayuri's kind and gentle face seemed to droop into a light frown and Sakura wondered if Sayuri was willing to talk about these things herself. But with a few blinks, her eyes softened and her lips curled upwards again. 

"Yes…" she admitted quietly. Sayuri's amethyst eyes seemed to drift down towards the table without a particular focus, fingers twirling around the tips of her lilac hair.

Sakura leaned forward in the same manner than Sayuri had, expectant, waiting for an answer.

"He's… intelligent. Accomplished. He's simply amazing," she praised quietly. "I work hard to be noticed by him."

"Do you mean… through your painting?"

Sayuri nodded. "He comes to see me sometimes. He makes me feel like he's never known anyone more passionate about their work. He makes me feel like I could be something. Like I have a future outside of this town. And when he leaves..." She paused, "my body feels almost enchanted… like I just finished a piece I'd been working on for so long."

"Oh," Sakura smiled, thinking that she too insinuated something sexual with her bashfulness.

Sayuri attention suddenly shifted up to meet Sakura's eye with flushed cheeks. "That's not it," Sayuri giggled modestly. "It's his voice," she concluded. "His voice alone just… seems to move straight to my heart."

When she heard Sayuri's words, Sakura instinctively understood too well. The vibration of Kakashi's voice during moments of intimacy seemed to do exactly the same thing, and in remembering this, Sakura couldn't help but soften the look she gave to Sayuri. And although this wasn't necessarily related to the mission, Sakura justified the conversation by simply getting closer to Sayuri, like she'd be willing to say more-if there was more-as long as she earned her trust.

"It is Itsuki-san?" Sakura asked gently yet enthusiastically, remembering the day they barged into class together. "He seems to really care for you."

"No," Sayuri chuckled, hand moving to cover her mouth as she laughed lightly. "Itsuki-kun has always paid extra attention to me, and perhaps he loves me, but… I've known him since we were children." Sakura instantly thought of teenage Naruto as she explained her relationship. "His mother is the local baker. He's more of a brother to me," she informed Sakura.

"I see," Sakura responded warmly. "Well, if you don't mind me asking-if it's not Itsuki…?"

Sayuri paused for a moment, looking around the cafe before leaning forward to whisper. Sakura leaned forward to match her distance. "I'll tell you-since I accidentally made you uncomfortable earlier…. But please don't say anything?"

"I won't," whispered Sakura, who was attempting to match Sayuri's quiet volume and made Sakura feel like this was a considerable secret. 

"I'm in love with Hisashi Masuyo," she breathed almost heavily, as if this secret had been weighing on her chest all this time and was finally being let free.

* * *

 

_ So many men have risked the prick of a thorn to behold the beauty of a rose. _

"Kakashi!" Sakura barged through the door and swiftly slammed it behind her, hastily walking towards him on the couch where he sat having just finished a new short poem. The first thing that caught Sakura's attention was his uncovered neck. It seemed like she would never get over his bare face. He was still dressed in day clothes—his seemingly favorite olive v-neck sweater and black pants combo, which ultimately made him look like he missed his Konoha outfit a little too much. It seemed as though it hadn't been too long since he'd returned from his shift; his bag lay on the coffee table in front of him and his orange scarf was strewn over it. 

Kakashi slowly laid his notebook facedown on his knee and looked up curiously, "Hey."

"This is urgent!" She almost shouted in a panicked excitement, forcing herself to focus solely on the mission. She stood in front of him and began pacing a short distance and she spoke. "Sayuri might be dating the Hisashi Masuyo—the head of the school itself!" And then she stopped, tapping her foot with her hands on her sides, eyebrows raised expectantly and waiting for his response.

To Sakura's dismay, he did not respond quite as enthusiastically: "So it seems like your hunch to target her paid off."

"Yes," Sakura confirmed almost impatiently, throwing her hands up. "We have to put her on a watch. We have to find out about the state of their relationship… then we can finally find out more about Masuyo!" 

Other than the action of shutting his notebook and leaning forward onto his knees, Kakashi did not show anything but neutrality. He raised his eyebrows and simply agreed. "Okay, let's do it."

"Hmm," she muttered pensively. "I seem much more excited by this discovery than you do, you know?"

Kakashi smirked lightly and gave a short chuckle. "Can you blame me?" he asked. "If we are out doing spying rotations, there will be less time to spend at home with you." 

This thought didn't cross Sakura's mind, but he was right. And she couldn't help herself but squirm from his comment and his unmasked smile, feeling the butterflies flutter within her. 

"Don't say things like that, Kakashi…" she urged, lips curling slightly as she bashfully lowered her chin, trying to distract herself from his very attractive face. And that neck…

"I know, I'm sorry," he chuckled again, smiling with his eyes closed. "I'll take the initial watch. Besides, you went to class and found our lead. We can start real rotations tomorrow."

 "Okay," Sakura nodded. "Thanks Kakashi." And then she watched him stand from the couch and move past her with his poetry book. When he opened the front door, he paused with his hand on the knob, looked back at Sakura and waved with his free hand. 

"See you later, Sakura-chan," he called out softly. She smiled sweetly in response and he shut the door.

Sakura stared quietly at the door; as she remained immobile, she felt as though something was different about their interactions. Now that they had acknowledged that something was happening between them, there was something like a gravitational pull to him. Yet she was denying herself the gratification of that pull because of Sasuke. Surely, Kakashi had recognized that his comments since this morning had been flirty, and certainly passed the boundaries of friends. And although she truthfully enjoyed it, and although each time butterflies had been set aflutter, those butterflies were caged within her. She was not free to feel how she felt. And Sasuke—Sasuke and the Uchiha name was the cage.

* * *

Kakashi sat within a nearby tree, shielded by the leaves, swinging his leg over the side of a branch. Pakkun sat lethargically at the end of his foot, chin rested lazily over folded paws. Kakashi had quietly summoned Pakkun and some new pups-in-training to scout for Sayuri's whereabouts. They had no scent real scent to follow other than Kakashi's verbal indicators. He had informed them of her silvery-purple hair; he had also informed them about the faint scent of eucalyptus that he had picked up from her canvas in the house. It had taken the new pups approximately 30 minutes before they had communicated to Pakkun that she had been found.

And so for the last five hours, Kakashi had been seated in the tree adjacent to Sayuri's dark wooden mahogany home, not too far away from the eucalyptus tree that grew directly beside the home. It seemed to be one of the older homes in the village; it did not have the distinct red tiling that characterized the main square-clearly one of the newer additions to the village, or at least most recently renovated. Her roofing was an old classic black tile, worn down to an aged uneven gray. The windows were frosted too-one could see nothing beyond them other than the silhouette of the occupant as she passed through the light. And although Kakashi had something like an enhanced sense of smell, he couldn't necessarily hear anything important from this distance. To compensate, he had sent the nin-pups to sneak around the premises which had the explicit instruction to relay everything they heard to Pakkun, who would act as a filter before Kakashi was informed of anything.

But ultimately, nothing of importance had been relayed in the time he'd spent here. As he waited, he went through his poetry notebook, criticizing his work, thinking of Miyamoto-sensei's praise and suggestions. "Keep writing from the heart," he had suggested, as if Kakashi had been aware that he was doing so in the first place. Sayuri had not exited her home and no one had come to visit. It seemed as though she lived alone, perhaps explaining why she was so soft-spoken and ghost-like in her day-to-day life. The pups had reported silly things, like the shuffling of clothes or the creaking of floorboards. The most exciting part of this session was seeing Pakkun become irritable as he listened to the pups complain about the overbearing scent of eucalyptus and the sudden excitement of hunger as Sayuri began to cook her meal.

Finally, Sayuri's light turned off. The pups reported that she had gone to bed.

* * *

 

When Kakashi returned home, Sakura was lying downwards on the couch reading Icha Icha. Her legs were kicked up and oscillating in the air as she read. Her cheek was rested on a bent palm—a position she kept as her attention shifted from the book to Kakashi.

"You've taken a sudden interest," he commended quietly as he entered, Pakkun trotting in quietly behind him.

"Yeah, well, what can I say? Once I've started a story, I want to know how it ends," Sakura responded as she tilted her head further toward her palm, using the other hand to flip the book over and onto the couch to save her page. She would not, of course, admit that she found plight similar to that of Princess Ayame's.

"Where are you in the story?" he asked curiously. Sakura smiled and waved at Pakkun as they approached her, Kakashi seating himself onto the armrest of the couch near her.

"Mmm… sort of a slow part," Sakura responded dully. "Ayame is trying to give the Prince a chance to see if maybe she can go through with her arranged marriage after all."

"Ah," Kakashi replied. "The part where she tries to force herself to stop wanting Takeshi, right?"

Sakura nodded, eyes shifting away from him. "Mhm… anything interesting happen? And by the way, there's some katsu on the table for you."

"Nothing but the annoyance of newly trained puppies in our ranks… kids," Pakkun grumbled as he jumped up onto the couch, nesting himself in the space between Kakashi and Sakura. 

Ignoring Pakkun's characteristic complaining, he continues to add: "Sayuri lives alone. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, seems like. Just a woman who is literally just  _ living _ ."

For a moment, a look of concern crossed her face. Sakura quickly concluded that the grandmother Sayuri had spoken about had probably passed, leaving Sayuri without companion. "I see. Was she easy to find?"

"Yeah, she's just a few miles east from the coffee shop. Old dark brown house with black roofing… huge eucalyptus tree beside it… can't miss it."

"I'll wake up early tomorrow for a watch before she wakes up. And I'll have to notify you somehow to switch once I have to leave for my shift tomorrow. How will we communicate?" 

Kakashi leaned back against the couch and crossed his arms. He raised an eyebrow in Pakkun's direction. "I'm thinking that Pakkun comes with me. You get a pup, Sakura-chan. They're cuter anyway."

 "And how do you suggest I come with you to your class, Kakashi? It's not every day that a nin-dog walks around a town like this…" Pakkun raised his head from his paws, instantly looking displeased.

"I'll stuff you in my pack, of course," Kakashi said cheerily, smiling widely and stifling a chuckle.

 After a short low growl, Pakkun refused: "No. You have asked me to do many things over the years of our contract, but being shoved in a tight bag for hours is where I cross the line, Kakashi." 

"Oh, come on," he chuckled. "Not even for extra biscuits?"

"Not even for biscuits," he concluded, lifting himself on the couch to stand on all four legs. "I'm much too old for something like this…" And then Pakkun disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Sakura giggled with a hand in front of her mouth. "Did you really think he would agree to that?"

"It was worth a shot," he shrugged, sliding down to the space that Pakkun once occupied on the couch.

Sakura pushed herself onto her arms to make space for him, dragging the book closer to her, and then folding a page before shutting it. "I have an idea," she added, now sitting on top of her legs which were folded beneath her. Sakura lifted a hand to bite her thumb, drawing a little bit of blood before slapping her hand down onto her thigh. A small black summoning circle sprawled across her skin before a tiny white and green slug appeared on her lap. 

Kakashi remained seated with his arms crossed, watching Sakura with a raised brow and increased interest.

"Katsuyu-sama," Sakura called with a smile.

"Sakura, it's been so long," Katsuyu spoke in a pleasantly surprised tone, slithering around to face Sakura. "I'm so happy to see you after all these years." Then she turned her head to face Kakashi, who gave her a silent salute and a closed-eye smile. "And you too, Kakashi." 

"Yes, I haven't been on a mission since having my daughter," Sakura replied almost regretfully. "But I need your help now, if you are willing."

"Of course," she accepted, turning her attention back to Sakura.

 "It's an easy job, but I need you to act as a communication medium between Kakashi and I. We are on a long term reconnaissance mission, and I need you to be hiding with both of us tomorrow so that we can communicate from afar. Is that okay with you?"

"Sounds easy enough," replied, splitting herself into two. The newly formed half made its way across the couch and onto Kakashi's lap.

"Thank you, Katsuyu-sama. I'll summon you again in the morning."

"Until then," and then Katsuyu was gone.

"Good idea," Kakashi admitted, moving his hands into pockets. "She's much more accommodating than Pakkun."

Sakura stood up from the couch and began to stretch her arms. "Yeah… well I understand why he said no, but I think I'm going to head to bed. I have an early start."

Kakashi nodded with a smile. "Okay, I'm going to eat and shower first, and then I'll meet you there. Thanks for the food, Sakura."

She smiled back and then turned to head towards bed. The two of them moved in silence: he swiftly moved to turn on the bathroom light and then turn off the main lighting for her, and she shuffling into the sheets. Once she was in, she turned her back away from Kakashi, who had just taken a seat facing away from her at the dining table.

This time, their interaction had been terse. She had done so purposefully, and she wondered if he had noticed… because Sakura couldn't bring herself to interact with him normally. They were expecting to see Sasuke tomorrow, and she was hoping seeing Sasuke could somehow make her course clear again—for him. And so how could she be so open and seemingly happy with Kakashi now?

But there was one thing weighing over her conscience. And as she lay in bed, deep in thought, her eyes were held wide open as if she were lost to them, guilt prying them open, listening to the sounds of her partner behind her.

Tonight would be the first time ever that Sakura hid something from Kakashi. Tucked securely into her bra had been the tiny mission scroll that Sasuke's hawk had delivered while Kakashi was out. She knew when and where they were to meet Sasuke, but she was hiding it from him—she was going to lie to Kakashi. She had to. This time, she desperately felt like she needed to see Sasuke alone—alone and without the gaze of the man whose smile threatened to tear her heart away from her real husband.

She clenched her eyes shut in an attempt to sleep, but her mind was racing. Would Kakashi be upset with her tomorrow? Did it matter anyway? Would Sasuke be surprised? Would he be upset by her solo advance? Would he tell her-as he always has-not to let her feelings get in the way of this mission?

But Sasuke didn't and wouldn't know her  _ real  _ feelings. He couldn't possibly understand that the mission almost _ nurtured _ these feelings _.  _ But how could he possibly understand if she didn't really understand?

She had to do this. She needed to  _ know _ that the spark between her and her husband was still there.

And so, she kept her eyes clamped shut, attempting to think of nothing but failing as she listened to Kakashi eat the meal that she cooked for him.

_Kakashi,_ she thought within her as she listened to his movements. _I hope you understand…_  

He had never felt so far from her, but she knew that it was she who was creating the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but it's probably because it's more of mission chapter. Also, since my writing strength is writing feelings (and not missions), when I'm purposely trying to suppress the feelings between the two characters, my writing feels different to me. While I was writing this, I definitely felt some distance between them. I hope that comes across and that it's not just me simply because I'm writing it. It's supposed to be intentional and I hope I succeeded. Anyway, as I mentioned, pretty mission-centric. Some feelings but not a lot. A lot more secrets and hiding instead. Anyway, I think after she sees Sasuke, there will be a lot more mission stuff than we are used to seeing at this point, but it'll be necessary since it's a mission after all, and there are ultimately two storylines here. I'll try to get the Sasuke chapter in soon! Especially because winter break is coming up, so here's to hoping I can update a lot!


	22. The Anchor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I had to come back and flesh this out. This chapter has been nagging me for so long and it was right at my fingertips. I could hardly focus on anything else, and so I figured that resisting was futile. I wasn't entirely happy with the previous chapter, but when I went back to read it, I realized that it wasn't so bad. Some of you have been telling me that I've been doing fine and that I'm too hard on myself. I think you're all right. I have to be more confident in my writing abilities. And although many of you dislike Sasuke, and this is one of the long-awaited Sasuke chapters, I hope you'll be pleased to know that I am confident in this chapter. Enjoy~

Sakura dunked her hands into a vat of dark plum-colored liquid, dragging a thin bundle of silk beneath her fingers, and sloshing it around until it was entirely drenched in the liquid. The mixture was concocted by crushed blackberries and boiled cherry tree roots. Fujiko was a self-proclaimed expert in natural dyes and insisted that this was the way to dye all of her silken scarves. She would not allow Sakura to help her in making the dyes, only in using them. And once the silk had been steeped long enough, she pulled it out-hands tinted a shade purple-wrung out the excess liquid, and got up to hang it on the clothesline.

Afterwards, she moved to the rack of creamy white silk, pulled a new set off of it, and moved to another vat of dye--a red mixture made with boiled bamboo, red autumn leaves, and beet roots. She repeated her movements as if her body were on auto-pilot. Her hands were moving systematically, but her mind was elsewhere. She was thinking about Sayuri, and how bored Kakashi must be in watching her. Katsuyu had been dismissed since they traded shifts--Kakashi had been briefed by her after his class ended--and now the nin-pups had taken her place.

Sakura’s espionage had proceeded similarly to Kakashi’s method; she had summoned a slightly larger Katsuyu to scatter smaller sections of herself around the property in order to listen for any movements or conversations. Katsuyu did not have a heightened sense of hearing or smell in the same way that the nin-pups had, but she did have two advantages that they did not--the ability to deconstruct herself into smaller pieces and the malleability to squeeze into any crevice. As such, Katsuyu could get inside the house and  _ see _ Sayuri while ultimately remaining entirely imperceptible to her. Since Katsuyu’s function was to watch Sayuri, and not heal her, Katsuyu’s smaller size was not at all a hindrance to her mission.

Sakura had arrived before sunrise--approximately around 5:30 AM which was typical dark hours during winter. Sakura wanted to ensure that she arrived before Sayuri awoke, but like Kakashi, the information gathered had been far and few. Sayuri did not leave the property. She cooked, cleaned, and bathed, then briefly sat outside on the porch, sketching in a pad before she began to paint. She had been visible to Sakura, wearing a blank expression akin to the one she had donned the day they met. And as Sakura watched her, she couldn’t help but feel pity for her… this was what loneliness looked like. She considered herself and her situation for a moment--was her life at home even slightly comparable to this? The look on Sayuri’s face made her feel otherwise, as if  _ all this time _ , she had perhaps been overreacting to Sasuke’s absence. She had Sarada, after all… and her friends if she really needed them. That was enough. Right?

As Sakura’s thoughts wandered, Fujiko was near, extracting and spinning silk from cocoon boiled cocoon pods onto a hand-reeling machine, periodically looking up to watch Sakura in her work.

“Haruna-san, you seem a little out of it today,” she commented from behind her. Sakura looked up and behind her, drying her hands on her apron before responding.

“Do I?” she asked, peering at her stained hands from front to back.

“You’re certainly quieter than usual,” she added, hinting to Sakura to fill her in on whatever it was that was bothering her.

“I’m sorry,” Sakura apologized, quickly trying to come up with some acceptable reason to share as she turned her attention back to her work. “I just… Takashi and I got into a little disagreement about… our decision to both go to school. We’re okay now, I’m just eager to see him. Eager to make things okay again.”

“Ah, it always comes down to money, I assume,” Fujiko grumbled, mouth pursing into a thin line as she focused. “What does he want? Only one of you attend?”

Sakura paused and considered how she wanted to proceed, realizing that  her life with Sasuke could fuel the conversation. She had been keeping these feelings in, after all. “Well, not right now at least. But in the long run, perhaps… You know how it is in this world. When women get married, they’re just… expected to put their lives on hold, to have children, to take care of the home while the husband is out  _ providing _ .” Sakura had been thinking about her life in Konoha, and how Sasuke didn’t approve of her going on this mission.

“Oh, certainly understand,” Fujiko concurred. “My late husband… well. He didn’t really agree with my choice to become a merchant when we were young. And I listened to him, as any wife is expected to do. Perhaps then it was the right choice as the shinobi market didn’t do so well. We tried and tried to have a family--I guess children were never in the cards for us.”

Sakura stopped her kneading of the silk but held the fabric submerged under water. She looked back at Fujiko who was staring absently at the silk spinner in front of her.

“But eventually, Yasu fell ill and succumbed to it. And I was left with our home and the deafening question of ‘ _what now?_ ’ Had I not listened, perhaps I would have saved myself a lot of heartache once he was gone--not to say that I wouldn’t have been sad either way, but a way to cope, maybe.” Fujiko sat straight in her chair, and let the silk pod hang from the reel. She placed her hands on her lap and moved her eyes toward Sakura.

“Disagreements with your husband will always be normal,” she spoke confidently, like a mother guiding her young. “But if I could impart any wisdom upon you as an old widow, it would be  _ not _ to let yourself become dependent on your husband… for if he  _ goes _ someday--and one of you will-- _ what then? _ ”

Sakura stared back at her in awe, taking in the weight of her words as Sakura tried to apply it to her own life. She knew that Fujiko had been referring to death, but even though Sasuke was alive, Sakura realized that she had been asking herself this question for years in his general absence. And even now, on this mission, her whole argument to go on this mission had been to re-discover herself, yet she found herself weighed down by same idle thoughts that held her down in Konoha:

_ Who am I when I’m not Sasuke’s wife? Sarada’s mother? Is that all I am now? _

And then Fujiko interrupted her with one more thought: “Takashi-san is older than you, Haruna-san. I don’t mean to frighten you with reality, and have children if you like--but you must safeguard your own future as well as his.”

* * *

Once Sakura’s shift was over, she had immediately thanked Fujiko for today’s work and departed. Sakura had a one-track mind; she had decided last night that  _ this _ was the moment to sneak away. The sun was beginning to set, and she couldn’t go home to risk seeing Kakashi on the way out. She didn’t know exactly when he’d return from his rotation, but she knew that if she saw him at home, she’d never successfully get away from him without raising suspicion. 

This was the best course of action.

And so, dressed in all black--as per the norm of late--and accessorized with a new black winter coat and scarf, Sakura made her way to the food stalls. She purchased some quick pre-packaged sandwiches and water as she didn’t know how long she would wait for Sasuke to arrive. The mission scroll advised to meet at 10 pm and it was only 6. This morning, she had stuffed a heavy blanket into her pack--just in case--and  _ Icha Icha Violence _ , the second book, to pass the time. She had folded paper around it as a sleeve to avoid Sasuke’s questioning. 

Sakura furtively made her way through the main square, then through the residential areas, and then through the trees. Once she reached the gates and found--yet again--two absent-minded shinobi, she easily slipped past them as she had before. But once she had passed the gates, she wasn’t as rushed to make it to her destination. In fact, she had definitely slowed down. She just needed to get out of the village to ensure Kakashi didn’t see her, and once she was out, that worry had subsided. And although she subconsciously knew that Kakashi would figure out that she was hiding something, right now she was too preoccupied with seeing Sasuke to really think about it. She’d deal with the repercussions of her actions afterwards.

_ Sasuke _ , she thought. Thinking about her calculated escape from Takumi made her feel like the  _ old _ Sakura again. The young Sakura who cried over the absence of her unrequited love. The young Sakura who was always chasing Sasuke somewhere, trying to get something out of him, trying to get him to come home. Had things ever really changed? Even now that they were married and he had supposedly returned her feelings? After all these years, Sasuke still wasn’t home. To this day, and with the call of a child, she still wondered  _ when _ he’d stay, or  _ where _ he was at all times. And now, even in the midst of a mission, she was coming up with secret plans to bring him back, just like she and Naruto had done as teenagers--even though, this time,  _ back _ meant  _ back into her heart _ . 

Would this chase ever stop? 

As Sakura skipped listlessly from branch to branch, she recognized the dull and ever-familiar feeling of emptiness in her chest, like an long-term friend--or enemy, rather--that visited her conscience too frequently. But from that familiar arrival did she finally realize something: these  _ visitations _ stopped happening when she left Konoha. She stopped feeling the desolate feeling of emptiness because Kakashi had filled it.

_ No _ . She shook her head.  _ Sasuke _ .  _ Sasuke! _

And then she looked forward, picking up speed to reach her destination, a demeanor of forced determination registering on her eyes and her brows creased downward.

* * *

“Sakura?” A smooth smoky voice called from behind her. She instantly felt a cold shiver run down her spine. Sasuke’s voice had always done this to her.

When he found her, she was sitting on the blanket she’d brought and was reading her book. Sakura turned to meet him, closing the book and forcing a smile over the tremors of nervousness that overcame her.

“Sasuke-kun,” she called out in a strained silvery tone, attempting to sound absolutely pleased to see him.

Sasuke approached her, standing just far enough from her blanket so that he wasn’t stepping on it. Sakura peered up at him and remained seated on her legs. She patted her hand on the space beside her, signaling him to join her.

“Why are you here so early? Where is Kakashi?” he asked, a mute puzzled look registering on his eyebrows. He didn’t make any attempt to accept her invitation.

Recognizing this, Sakura began to shift her legs beneath her and hold her body on her arms as she supported herself into a standing position. Sasuke watched her curiously. She smiled sweetly, eyebrows raised at the center. She walked forward to stand close, slipping her hand into his cape to grasp onto his shirt before responding: “I just… had to see you. Alone.”

And then she slid her hands all the way into his cape and around his back, pulling herself within it.

For a moment, Sasuke did not return her embrace. Although she recognized this, she forced herself to ignore it and smile upon his chest. She nuzzled her cheek onto his shirt and hummed happily.

Sasuke looked down and slowly placed his hand on her shoulder, lightly returning her affection.

"Sasuke," Sakura cooed softly, "I miss you so much..." She grasped him tighter, almost desperately clawing onto the back of his shirt and pushing her face into him. Sasuke seemed to be quietly registering the events taking place. It was not really like her to act this way, but then again, they had never really been in this situation before--where Sakura was on a mission and reporting to him.

"Sakura,"  he began. She was beginning to hear a hint of disapproval in his voice. “ You need to go back and get Kakashi.” Although Sasuke had failed to produce the response she was looking for, she continue to pretend it wasn't an issue.

"Tomorrow. This mission just really makes me wish I were with you," she cut in, trying desperately to get some kind of emotional response from him. "I have to pretend to be someone else's wife and I... just want my  _ real _ husband tonight."

"It's just a mission, Sakura," he stated quietly. "Haven't I said before that feelings shouldn't get in the way of a mission?"

"You have," she admitted. "Never to me, but you've said it before."

"That's because you haven't been on a mission that required it."

"But that’s your approach to these missions, not mine. And I'm telling you that I miss my husband..." Sakura finally moved her head away from his chest and looked upward, resting her chin on his chest. Sasuke looked down to meet her gaze, his eyes peeking through strands of long black hair. "All of this  _ fake _ attention really makes me yearn for you..." she said. The words were almost a whisper... and when the word  _ fake _ slipped out, her mouth went dry--there seemed to be a dirty taste associated with such an enormous lie. For a second, Kakashi's warm smile and the sweetness of his approach crossed her thoughts.

Sasuke looked down at her almost emotionlessly, which was quite normal and didn't really cause her any bother--or at least that's what she told herself. He was not an expressive man, and in the past, any form of affection seemed to be partnered with his stoic expression. However, she wondered if Sasuke seemed to know where this was going.

"Sasuke," she started almost wearily, yet attempting to conduct a sound of sultry confidence. His eyebrow seemed to to twitch in response. "I need you," she whispered. Her hands moved to tug on the cloth tucked into his pants, freeing them from the band, and slipping her cold fingers underneath and onto his warm skin.

He didn't physically react from her touch, he simply continued to peer down at her as her hands continued to glide upwards.

And as always, he began to speak her name in his typical tone of disapproval whenever she tried to make her move. "Sakura... not tonight… not here."

"Then when?" she asked, looking up sweetly, attempting to seduce her husband with pretty looks and slick comments despite the emotions raging within her. 

_ He's going to reject me. _

"You're on a mission..." he explained, his tone indicated to her that he felt that this was something he shouldn't have had to remind her of.

"I don't care. We're not in any danger," she replied sensibly. At this point, one hand had remained clutching onto his bare skin on the back while the other was sliding its way around to rest on the band of his pants. But she knew where this was heading, yet in these instances, Sakura always managed to set herself up for failure as she held onto a tiny glimmer of hope that he would reciprocate.

He sighed heavily, hand clutching on her shoulder as he just very slightly pushed her away, causing her arm to drop between them. She felt the expression on her face instantly change into a reflection of the emotions storming beneath her feigned confidence. He didn't have to say anything; she already understood that this was not something that he wanted to do. And if he didn't want to do it, could she salvage how she was feeling?

The instant he had even lightly pushed her away, she had felt something within her go slack--and the dull emptiness that been weighing her down since her furtive travel to see Sasuke began had radiated through her chest and multiplied tenfold.

It  _ hurt _ . And the sad part was that she was  _ used _ to this reaction.

Sakura felt her eyes begin to sting. "Sasuke-kun," she asked softly, dropping her head and clutching onto his clothes. "Why don't you... ever want me anymore?" 

He sighed again, finally reciprocating the embrace and tugging her into him. "That's not it," he consoled. "It's just that--" he paused. "We're both on a mission and we shouldn't be doing this. And we’re in the woods." Just like he had before in the past, he rested his chin onto the top of her head. “That doesn’t mean I want you any less…” Sasuke whispered almost sweetly.

But Sakura could not be consoled. When they first started becoming romantic as late teenagers, they had made love in all sorts of outdoor places—couldn’t he look past it again? She had come here to feel the love of her husband--she  _ needed _ to feel it. And although his offering had been sweet, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to combat Kakashi’s cute comments. It wasn’t enough to make her forget Kakashi’s intense kiss. It wasn’t enough to erase her memory of his laugh, or to make the butterflies go away when she remembered the way he held her in her moments of need. Sasuke wasn’t enough to quell the fire she was feeling for Kakashi, even as she attempted to redirect that fire towards her actual husband.

What Sasuke said didn’t matter. She couldn’t change how she felt about the situation. She couldn’t convince herself that this  _ need _ for her husband had ever been or ever would be mutual.

She was trying to give him a chance to save them… and even though he had no idea, why couldn’t he just take it?

But despite her better judgment, Sakura’s inner-battles were too turbulent. She was seeking refuge from her storm  _ somewhere _ , and even though he was epicenter, Sasuke was right in front of her. He was supposed to be the right person to seek refuge from, not Kakashi. She  _ had _ to get something from him; she was desperate for it.

She knew better… She knew this wouldn’t end well... but… 

“Sasuke-kun,” she breathed almost pleadingly. She raised her head to look into his mismatched eyes; his eyebrows were scrunched, communicating a bothered look on his face. “Can you… at least  _ finish _ me?”

She saw his eyes shift into a look of resigned compliance, and although she  _ should _ have wondered why apathy or varied levels of agitation seemed to be the only expressions he could ever muster, she was completely lost, sinking deep, deep down into her irrational emotions.

He didn’t answer her question. Instead, she felt his breath on her hair as his head moved and his mouth rested above her ear. Sasuke arm drifted from her shoulder down to her top of her thigh and then picked her up. And even though Sasuke had surrendered to her request, and even though her heart wouldn’t settle down, she dropped her head into the space between his head and neck, allowing him to move her.

As Sasuke carried her, he stepped on to the blanket and leaned her body against the tree directly beside it. He wedged a leg in between her thighs to push them apart and to hold her up as his hand made its way down past her stomach and into her black pants. Sakura slid both of her hands around his neck to prevent her from sliding down the tree, pressing herself against it yet jutting her hips forward, using Sasuke’s body as an anchor for her weight.

Once Sasuke’s fingers slithered into her panties, she started to hold her breath. For a moment, she had forgotten everything that was plaguing her, everything in her body waiting for his touch. And when it came--when Sasuke had pushed past her folds and his fingers landed on her sensitive place--she instantly threw her head back and let out a breathy exhale. And as his fingers rolled against her, she felt the tickling sensation slowly build into a throb for  _ something more _ , until finally, her body had responded enough for Sasuke’s fingers to spread her wetness around the entrance of her sex. 

The anticipation was caught in her throat. She wanted him to be inside of her--the  _ real _ him, and not his fingers. She had hoped that her reactions to his touch would be enough to entice him; as he flicked his fingers in slow circles, she had purposefully gyrated forward in an attempt to  _ feel _ if he had been affected. 

He hadn’t. And so the fingers would have to suffice. The disappointment washed over her, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop. She was drowning in her own confusion. Sakura wanted this, but she didn’t at the same time. 

And so when he pushed his fingers inside of her, she forced herself to gasp in a facade of pure bliss.  _ Maybe _ if she did it enough, she could trick herself into truly believing that she was enjoying this. She  _ did _ feel the throbbing sensation from his movements after all; she knew she could get there if he just kept going.

Sasuke began to slowly pull and push his fingers in and out of her. He lowered his head down to her ear and murmured, “Do it. Touch yourself.”

And she obeyed his command as she was used to--after all, Sasuke only had one hand. So she released one of her hands from his neck and allowed it to trail down into her own pants, her wrist colliding with his, slipping into the space between his palm and her body. She felt his movements, and for a moment, the thought that she could  _ feel _ him moving in and out of her, and the sound of his low voice put her back into the space of arousal.

But it was short-lived, for when Sakura began to swirl her own fingers, she felt herself get closer and closer, she would start panting, and then she would notice something. Sasuke was just  _ there _ . He wasn’t kissing her, or biting her, nothing. It was as if he really preferred to be elsewhere. And then she would force herself to overlook it. With just a few swirls, she would be there again. And then she’d notice something else; the longer she took to orgasm, the less enthusiastic his fingers became. It morphed into a steady  _ twitch _ almost, rather than the motion of sensual prodding. This bogged her down again, and the frustration within her outgrew her desire to climax. She felt her eyebrows furrow in irritation and the sting of slight tears, yet she stubbornly insisted that she could not stop here. She had sunk too far into her madness. She still wanted to get to the end--there was no turning back now. 

_ He can do this _ , she told herself.  _ I can do this! _

She grasped his hand and guided his hand to move in-and-out again. And then she began to roll her fingers on herself more vigorously.

_ Please _ , she begged her body.

And then finally, she felt herself pass the threshold; the tingling sensation began to emanate strongly from her center.  _ Yes _ , she was going to get there. As she rubbed, she felt herself grow tighter around Sasuke’s fingers. She knew he could feel it too, because the energy he gave in fingering her had increased. He was moving much more rapidly. Her breathing hitched. Finally, her mind was blank and only focusing on the pleasure. And as he moved his fingers, and as she swirled and swirled, as she grew tighter, as her breathing grew stronger and more ragged, she felt herself getting closer and closer to own release. And finally, when the first clamp of her walls hit, she felt the sporadic throbbing radiate a wave of intense pleasure. 

Sasuke waited for the rhythmic pulsing to stop before pulling his fingers out of her. But as the wave over her body subsided, she found herself submerged underneath an even stronger feeling of dread.  The wave rose up in her chest. She was drowning in it, and it manifested itself again in the only way it knew how to--her tears.

_ All of this was so empty _ …

She felt nothing. He gave her nothing. She felt so alone in his arms.

Sasuke pulled his head back to look at her; it seemed as though he was seeking for a hint of satisfaction from her. Sakura’s head was still pressed back against the tree, chin slanted upwards, eyes low to meet his as tears dropped down. She was sinking, drowning, suffocating under the look of his nearly expressionless eyes… The eyes that brought her tears forth, the eyes that anchored  _ her _ down to the bottom of her misery. Sasuke was the anchor, and he had been for all this time.

Once he realized she had started to cry, he tilted his head to the side and furrowed his brow. “Why are you crying?” he asked gently and proceeded to kiss her forehead.

_ Why couldn’t you have kissed me sooner? _ she wondered to herself in bitterness.

Instantly regretting her decision to come here, to make this request of Sasuke, she realized that the moment of pleasure wasn’t worth the all of the heartache. Sakura forced a smile, attempting to look satisfied although she could feel nothing but loneliness. She responded smoothly, in a light, pleased tone: “It just felt so good, Sasuke-kun… Thank you.”

The lie had escaped her as easily as breathing. She knew now that there was no truth between her and Sasuke.

* * *

Kakashi sat at the dinner table tapping his finger against the wood in a rhythmic fashion. He peered down at the plate he set out for Sakura--he’d been home for hours, cooked her dinner, and waited for her but she had not returned. Her shift was scheduled to end at 6 and therefore  _ should _ have meant that she should have been home a long time ago.

Despite his better judgement, he had decided to send Pakkun himself to search for Sakura. Kakashi trusted Pakkun and Pakkun only. He gave Pakkun explicit instructions to find her and ensure that no one, not even another shinobi, could sense his presence. Nin-pups in training could not accomplish this feat, and so Pakkun agreed to the assignment.

Kakashi had grown impatient--worried even. And in addition to that, he had been not only waiting for Sakura, but he had been waiting for Sasuke’s hawk. It was Thursday, which meant that Sasuke was due back to check-in since their meeting with Sai was scheduled for tomorrow.

He wondered for a moment-- _ could she have gone to see Sasuke without him _ ?

Doubt began to fester in the back of his mind until he ultimately decided against it. Perhaps Sasuke delayed his visit for tomorrow so that they could meet  _ with _ Sai.

That must be it.

Yet Kakashi couldn’t get rid of the nag. Where was she? How else could he explain her absence? He knew that Sakura hadn’t decided to spy on Sayuri because he had left the nin-pups there. He had asked them to communicate anything urgent to Pakkun, who would  _ know _ to inform him of something like that… but Kakashi couldn’t be sure. Besides, if she was there, Pakkun would have returned a long time ago.

Kakashi exhaled sharply and closed his eyes, tapping more impatiently against the top of the table. He couldn’t help himself but consider the likely possibility that  _ that _ was exactly where she was--with Sasuke. He had noticed that her responses yesterday had been uncharacteristically curt,  but thought nothing of it until now. He felt temper rising within him in thinking that Sakura had gone without him. Sure, that was her husband, but  _ he _ was her partner and they were supposed to report to him  _ together _ .

Nevermind that he himself had romantic interest in her… He reminded himself that he had no right to be jealous.

Then he heard a sudden poof and the landing of light paws. Kakashi turned his attention to the floor in front of him, where Pakkun was seated with his tongue hanging out of his mouth--panting.

“Well?” Kakashi asked impatiently, eyes low and hooded.

“Sakura is with Sasuke in the woods, 8 kilometers from the western border,” Pakkun reported calmly.

Kakashi’s jaw clenched and his tapping fingers curled into a tight fist. He lightly dropped it onto the table, causing the dining ware to rattle in the impact. “Are they talking?” Kakashi asked gruffly.

“No,” Pakkun replied simply.

Kakashi swallowed thickly before exhaling heavily and broke eye contact. He didn’t need to know anymore. What  **_else_ ** could they be doing if not speaking to each other?

“Kakashi,” Pakkun cut in. “I’ve noticed your… scent on Sakura in the past few days.”

“Yeah, we live together right now,” Kakashi said plainly, as if he didn’t need to explain it.

“You know what I mean,” he barked, rising from his sitting position to stand on all four legs as his stubby tail moved upright. “Your saliva has definitely marked her skin. And hers on you. I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at each other. Everything about you two is definitely different from the last time I saw you at the beginning of this mission...”

Kakashi did not respond to Pakkun’s valid observation. 

“She’s married, Kakashi,” Pakkun chided. “I know that  _ means _ something to you humans.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Kakashi coolly retorted, attempting to seem unfazed despite his neck muscles pulling with every uncomfortable swallow.

“I’ve just never seen you this affected by a potential mate… and I never imagined that your mate of choice would be Sakura-chan.” Pakkun trotted closer to Kakashi’s leg and looked upwards with a seemingly disapproving brow as he sniffed.

“Please stop that,” Kakashi ordered, referring to Pakkun’s hunt for Sakura’s scent on his body.

“Look,” Pakkun advised. “In my opinion, unless you plan to challenge Sasuke somehow, you should consider your options. There are other mates out there… and Sasuke had his paws all over her.”

“Got it,” Kakashi concluded absently, avoiding eye contact and signaling that he wanted this conversation to end. “Thanks.”

Pakkun wagged his tail and peered up silently before recognizing the hint. “Just my two biscuits,” he said, right before he disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

Once he was gone, Kakashi got up from the chair heedlessly, causing it to violently jut backwards as he strutted toward the counter to grab a napkin. He swiftly dropped it over Sakura’s dinner, turned off the light, and went into the bed.

He couldn’t think about this, about any of it. And he damn sure didn’t want to interact with Sakura when she came home from seeing Sasuke.

Sleep, he figured, was the only escape for now.

He’d deal with this crap in the morning. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Poor Kakashi. And poor Sakura. Of course, Pakkun doesn't really understand what is happening and sort of just fueled some misunderstanding, but... we'll just have to wait and see how they resolve it. I had been waiting for this chapter for a long time because I've been waiting to really show some disconnect between Sasuke and Sakura... we're not necessarily done with Sasuke yet, but we're getting a lot closer. I've also been waiting for this chapter because its foundation is Chapter 1. I almost named it "Drowning pt. 2" until I decided to just build on the same metaphor. That's how I settled on "The Anchor." There are some other parallels to Chapter 1 that I haven't addressed yet either, but they're coming!
> 
> Man, is it just me or does it feel like Ch. 1 was so far away?
> 
> Until next time! Thank you all for your reviews and support!


	23. All The World's a Stage...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Before this chapter begins, I really just want to acknowledge and thank Amrun for reading and commenting on all of the old chapters. She was kind enough to go through and give suggestions for improvement. I truly feel like I’ve learned a lot from her. With her eye, I’ve pretty much updated every single chapter. They were ultimately minor changes, primarily in grammar, diction, and syntax. I reordered small sections of a few chapters for transitional flow or re-focused the narrative voice, but they shouldn’t really change the story much, if at all. Some minorly important changes are: decreasing Sarada’s level of general excitement (primarily in Ch. 4 and a little in Ch. 11) and acknowledgement that Sakura may not know that Kakashi killed Rin through his chidori (Ch. 7).

Something was wrong.

As unobservant as he could be in the matters of the heart, Sasuke recognized that there was something a little different in Sakura the moment she started crying the night before.

It wasn’t as though her tears after failed intimacy was a novel experience; it had happened many times before. Of course, he had always felt a little bit of guilt when she cried about it. In the events leading up to previous fights, Sakura had always silently sulked about whatever it was that had been bothering her. Sometimes, Sasuke would recognize it quickly, but he could never really bring himself to do anything about it. Besides, if the problem had really bothered her, she would confront him in some way.

He thought back to one of the first times they had fought about their intimacy. Sarada was still an infant and Sasuke had returned home for a few weeks to prepare for another long stint. And in those few weeks, Sakura had attempted to become intimate multiple times. They had sex once, but he hadn’t been in the mood for the other attempts. Sakura had taken it personally and had become distant: she slipped away from his touch, provided short answers, and only spoke when spoken to. When Sasuke had insistently tried to hold her in bed after explaining that he wasn’t in the mood, she had finally aired her frustration.

“No! Don’t touch me,” Sakura had almost yelled beside him, pushing him away from her.

Sasuke remembered calling her name in an attempt to pacify her.

“No!” she repeated angrily, “You don’t get it!”

“What don’t I understand?” he asked calmly, allowing her to slip out of his arm.

Sakura had hastily turned her body away from him and tucked her hands under the pillow. “I just…” she started, “I just don’t think you understand how it makes me feel when you say no.”

Sasuke hadn’t been able to respond. He thought he knew, but he had not been entirely sure--and even if he did, he figured it’d be best not to test it out.

There was a moment of silence between them before Sakura continued softly, “You’re always gone, you know? And when you come back, I just want to be intimate with you. It’s important to me…”

He had heard a quiver in her voice and the soft droplets of tears on her pillow.

“And…” she paused before proceeding, “it would make me feel like--even though you’re absent all the time--that you still want me and love me.”

Sakura began to sniffle. Sasuke placed his hand on the curve of her waist. He had never been very good with words, and although he knew he should have said something more thoughtful, all he managed to say was: “I do love you.”

Even though his response was a direct reply to Sakura’s statement, it seemed as though her mind was working in a different way. She would always respond with something that seemed to put words in his mouth or was a hasty conclusion. She would blame it on herself somehow; Sakura was positively sure that she was getting too old, that she wasn’t attractive anymore, or that her body just wasn’t the same after having Sarada.

This conversation had occurred multiple times since then. Each time, he would try to assure her that he was still attracted to her, but his compliments would fall short. In her mind, if he wasn’t able to have sex with her as often as she wanted, it wasn’t true.

But Sasuke still thought she was beautiful--stunning, even. After all these years, Sasuke never fully understood how someone like Sakura had remained steadfast in her love for him, especially after all of the things he had done as a teenager. He considered himself lucky, though, he recognized that perhaps he could have done a better job of demonstrating it. 

But from what Sasuke understood, Sakura’s problem ultimately came down to physical intimacy. Once, in a fight, she had explained to him that because he was so bad with expressing himself through words, physical intimacy was how she felt connected to him. However, even that had proven to be difficult as he left for long-term missions.

In one of these fights, Sasuke had tried to explain to that physical intimacy just wasn’t that important to him in the matters of emotional connection. He honestly didn’t understand  _ how _ sex and other types of physical affection gauged his love for her. After all, he continued to love his wife and daughter deeply despite his absence. Part of the reason he had left Konoha was to keep them safe so that any possible dangers could be mitigated outside of the village rather than nearby. 

Love  _ could _ exist under extreme absence and it  _ did _ exist despite it. He knew with absolute certainty that it was possible, not only because he loved them from afar, but because Itachi had  _ shown _ him the strength of a love at a distance. No matter how much anger Sasuke held, no matter how many years had passed since they had interacted as true brothers, Itachi had continued to love him unconditionally, even until death. In fact, Itachi had loved him even beyond life itself.

Sakura herself had shown him this because she continued to love him unconditionally. No matter what mistakes Sasuke had made in the past, and no matter how long it’d been since she’d seen him, she had loved him intensely.

He loved her. The distance didn’t matter, and neither did the physical intimacy.

Yet when Sasuke came home, Sakura’s pressing disappointment permeated their sex life. She would always look pleased for a moment, but would soon transform back into a woman who could not be separated from a mournfulness over a departure that had yet to come. Without question, one of the first things Sakura and Sarada would ask:  _ When are you leaving _ ? He couldn’t remember the last time that his girls were simply pleased that he’d come home in the first place. And in knowing that, the idea that he wouldn’t be able to please her consistently or as often as she wanted--and then the fear of her emotions if he  _ couldn’t _ \--became a self-fulfilling prophecy. That burdening fear held his desire hostage. And even though he knew that all he had to do was have sex with her, the pressure to perform dampened his ability to even start.

Only when he  _ really _ wanted and needed Sakura’s touch could he overlook them and be blinded to it by his own desire. And that typically happened once per visit. He couldn’t understand why that wasn’t enough.

But when he saw Sakura last night, there was something different about her. There was something like genuine pleading or desperation in her eyes. And although this wasn’t the first time that Sakura had asked him to touch her, even he could feel that something was not right afterwards.

He had to fix it, and just like all of those other times, he was under the impression that if he just gave her what she wanted, she’d be fine. It had worked before when he was able to get past whatever mental blocks he had in place. They’d slept together and Sakura would temporarily recover from her disappointment as if she had never been upset in the first place.

Would that work now?

* * *

 

“Sasuke,” Kakashi greeting formally as he landed on bent knees in the clearing. As he sluggishly straightened his posture, Sakura arrived shortly afterwards and was quicker to recover from the landing.

“Ah, Sai!” Sakura called out with a smile, recognizing the familiar pale-skinned man and his dark attire.

“Hello, Sakura,” Sai replied amiably, eyes closed as he offered one of his classic yet seemingly forced smiles.

“Let’s get started here,” Sasuke ordered. He was leaning against a tree with his arms crossed beneath his cape, as he always seemed to be when they met. His leg was bent and his foot was resting on the base of the tree. His face, as usual, seemed to offer not even a sliver of welcoming for his teammates. 

Kakashi exhaled heavily, crossed his arms, and looked at Sakura expectantly.

Her eyes shifted back-and-forth between Sasuke and Kakashi before she understood that this was her cue to speak. “My target has revealed that she may have a romantic relationship with Hisashi Masuyo, the founder of the institute.”

“May?” Sasuke asked, a single eyebrow raised.

Sakura seemed to grow hesitant due to Sasuke’s implied scrutiny, but she continued anyway. “I have yet to confirm if this relationship is mutual or unrequited.”

“But if she’s seeing the founder,” Kakashi added, “then following her will give us more insight into the goals of administration. If there is something suspicious happening, then surely that’s how we’ll find out.”

“Have you started following her?” Sasuke asked, clearly more interested than he had been last time this had been brought up.

“We have,” Kakashi replied. “Sakura and I have done a few rotations with Pakkun and Katsuyu. Pakkun’s ninken can pick up scents and have acute hearing, and Katsuyu is effective is slipping into small places and relaying what she sees when we can’t.”

Sasuke closed his eyes which seemed to be his way of accepting this information.

“But so far, we haven’t seen or heard anything crucial from these rotations,” Sakura admitted hesitantly.

“We’ve been placed on a infiltration mission for a reason,” Kakashi countered tactfully. “Our methods may be slow, but like you reminded me before, information isn’t supposed to flow freely. If Kaguya’s race has anything to do with this, then going about this slowly is better than rushing in. For all we know, it’s likely that there’s a shinobi on the administration.”

“Kakashi’s right,” Sasuke confirmed with a nod, keeping his eyes closed as he took in information and mulled it over in his mind. “The aura around the school hasn’t changed much so I’m assuming things are not escalating quickly.”

Then he opened his eyes and shifted his attention to Sai, who had been silent and absorbing information as well. “It’s fitting that you’re here now. It looks like you’ll be needed more often.”

“Where will he stay?” Sakura asked.

Sai turned his attention to Sakura. “I must not be seen by the villagers and I have been instructed to remain on a campsite outside of the walls. We are not to meet until night when I can safely travel to your apartment.”

“Long-term residency is not necessary at this time,” said Sasuke, looking at Sai.

“Instead,” he continued, “Sai will remain on one week rotations, reporting back to Konoha as necessary and returning to Takumi in time for Friday rendezvous. Sai, from what I understand, your Super Beast Scroll jutsu allows you to create swift transportation.”

Although Sasuke had asked the question in the form of a statement, Sai understood and nodded again to confirm. “Yes, my Super Beast Scroll allows me to fly faster than I can transport on ground.”

“Good,” replied Sasuke. “While Sai is returning frequently, I will temporarily relegate my duty as the point of contact. Until we can confirm that your target is connected to administration in some way, your summons can continue to shadow the target while the two of you focus your energy elsewhere. Kakashi, search for other leads. Sakura, with Sai’s help, the two of you should focus on getting the attention of the administration.”

“Understood,” Sai confirmed. Kakashi tilted his head as a response.

“When will you be back, Sasuke-kun?” Sakura asked quietly, eyebrows rolled up to convey concern.

“When you’ve made contact with administration.”

With that answer, the group fell quiet, waiting to see if any more information or instructions were to be given. When they were not, Sasuke gave a nod to indicate that the meeting had concluded. 

Sai briefly turned to Sakura before disappearing. “I’ll be there tomorrow,” said Sai. 

Sakura confirmed with a nod and then directed her attention back to Sasuke. Kakashi, who was not standing far from Sakura, gently nudged her arm, signaling her to leave. Without breaking eye contact with Sasuke, she began to turn around and walk away with Kakashi.

She had hardly taken three steps before Sasuke moved to take hold of her wrist. 

Sakura paused, looked down at her hand and back up at Sasuke. He was signaling her to stay. Recognizing this, Sakura looked back and Kakashi with a tilted head and eyebrows raised and a fist held across her chest.

Kakashi returned a taciturn look for a moment. It seemed as though they were silently communicating. Sasuke waited for a word from either of them while he gently grasped onto his wife’s wrist, but nothing came except for the light poof of a shinobi who had blinked away.

* * *

_ When will you be back, Sasuke-kun? _ he heard in replaying in his mind.

Sakura was laying on the blanket beside him within the tent. Sasuke hovered over Sakura and lowered his head into a brief kiss, attempting to force out the ever-favored question. Her soft lips offered him a momentary escape from the question that seemed to follow him like a shadow.

“S-Sasuke-kun?” she called out questioningly, green eyes illuminated with wonder, questioning exactly why it was that he had asked her to stay behind and had taken her to his temporarily camp spot. At least, she was pretending not to know. Any indication that she had been upset the day before was now gone.

It was working already.

Sasuke ran his bare hand over her clothed thigh, sliding his palm up before tucking his hand underneath the fabric of her black sweater. As he grasped onto her smooth skin, clutching onto her waist as the sweater gathered above his wrist, he offered her slick smirk and moved his head to kiss her again.

“Mmm,” she hummed into his mouth. He smiled a little on her lips before opening his mouth wider to deepen the kiss.

Sakura’s hands, which were resting on the sides of her body, were now crawling up his arms to rest on his shoulders. One hand slid past his neck and cupped his cheek as her kissed her. He could feel her breathing grow stronger through the exhales from her nose.

When he broke away from the kiss and moved his head back, her eyes fluttered open in front of him. He stared into them, thinking about how different this her eyes were from the expression she had been giving him yesterday. 

_ All this fake attention makes me yearn for you _ , she had said yesterday.

He scanned her with his eyes. Perhaps he was staring quietly for too long because he saw the center of her eyebrows curl upwards.

“I said ‘not here’ yesterday,” he finally answered in between small butterfly kisses on her jaw. “But we’re not there anymore.”

And then he was kissing her again, listening to release small suppressed sounds of pleasure beneath him as his hands slithered under her bra to knead on her breasts. 

But as he was doing so, he couldn’t help but wonder. Her eyes… just what  _ was _ that inscrutable glance at her before he left? What  _ did _ she mean by  _ fake _ attention?

Sasuke couldn’t help but ponder the dynamics of Sakura and Kakashi’s relationship as he kissed and touched his wife. There was something about that glance between them that put him at unease. It was a silent communication between them; it seemed to him as though Sakura was almost looking at Kakashi for… approval?

_ Just how did Kakashi treat Sakura as her husband? _

In hardly a second, Sasuke sat up beside her and pulled Sakura into a sitting position as well. He slipped his hand out of her bra to take hold of the edge of her sweater. Lifting his arm, he pulled the sweater over her head in the most ungraceful manner, disheveling her long hair out of the pony tail and leaving messy pink strands about her face.

Sakura seemed to catch on in a second and helped him remove her clothes. He didn’t even have a moment to reach for her again before Sakura suddenly moved over him to straddle his lap. 

There was something bold about her today. Sakura watched him closely, ensuring not to break eye contact with Sasuke as he watched her reach both hands behind her back and unclasp her bra, slip the straps off of her shoulder and pull them off. Her breasts were almost level with his mouth now.

He could have sworn he even saw her biting her lips a little underneath wisps of hair covering her face.

Sasuke felt his cock twitch beneath her.

As Sakura rested her elbows on his shoulder, her hands made their way through his hair. She combed her fingers through his black hair, exposing his face to her. 

Sasuke held eye contact, took one of her hands and moved it into the space between them, urging her to rub his half-hard bulge over his clothes. She grasped him tightly for a moment before running her palm firmly down his shaft, cupping her fingers around him through his pants before pulling her hand back up.

He let himself release a throaty groan before taking a breast into his mouth, biting a little, twirling his tongue around the hardening nub. 

When he bit, Sakura threw her head back and moaned, tugging onto the hair she had fisted at the back of his head.

“Bite my neck,” she whispered breathily, rolling her head to the side with her eyes clamped shut as Sasuke gave her a final lick. “Please…”

_ When did she…? _

Sakura had never asked him of this before, but he obliged. Releasing her nipple from his mouth, he trailed kisses up past her collarbone until he reached the soft skin of the neck she left exposed for him.

Again, his bite caused an even louder moan to slip out of her mouth. Sakura was just so eager; as she loosed sounds of pleasure, she released her hand from his cock and slid it back over his neck, holding him tightly as she began to rock her hips over his erection.

He was ready for it--ready to feel the lips making those sweet sounds wrap around him, muffling any other sound she could produce.

“Sakura,” he groaned, biting her again. This was a request she knew well, a sequence that would lead to what she wanted.

Without further encouragement, Sakura’s head came forward so that her eyes could meet his gaze for a moment. She smiled lightly before climbing off of his lap and shifting herself downwards so that she could lower her body above him. Sasuke leaned back on his arm, propping himself up to give Sakura’s head a bit of space. 

Sakura’s fingers grazed over the top of his waistband before she pulled it towards and over his cock. He lifted himself for a moment to allow her to pull his pants down. When it was in front of her, he watched Sakura lick her lips before giving him a tentative lick and taking the head into her mouth.

“Mmm,” she hummed as her tongue swirled on the base of the head. He could feel the vibration from her throat.

_ Fuuuucckkk _ …. Sasuke thought inwardly, but the only indication of pleasure escaping him was a strong exhale as Sakura began massaging him with her tongue. 

God, he loved it when Sakura gave him head. Sometimes, she really missed the mark, but most of the time, that mouth worked wonders. It brought him to the edge  _ so many times _ …

And soon, he couldn’t even focus on his surroundings. He was either staring aimlessly at the roof of his tent or closing his eyes in bliss. Sometimes, he would see the rhythmic bobbing of pink hair and the sounds of suckling, but all he could feel was a pleasurable tingle and  _ that tongue _ .

“Mmph, mmm, mmpf…”

Soon, he felt her arm slink down into the space between her belly and the floor, right by his leg. She was going to touch herself as she sucked him, and his suspicions were confirmed when he felt her forearm tense against his leg as she rubbed her clit.

Did she yearn for him  _ this much _ ? Maybe Kakashi had been holding her hand in public, treating her sweetly, giving her small affectionate pecks for show--but this here was  _ his _ . This was a mission anyway, and he realized there was no point in thinking about how she and Kakashi were playing their roles.

Sakura wanted  _ him _ as she was demonstrating now. But as she started to rub herself and get excited, she began to suck on him a little too eagerly, moving sporadically, and grazing her teeth on his shaft a little more than he liked.

He felt a little bit of blood drain and he grew a little softer in her mouth.

_ Shit _ …

He tried to  _ will _ himself to stop thinking about it, but the more he thought about it, the softer he became.

And he knew Sakura noticed because she had stopped touching herself and had attempted to compensate by sucking on him harder and a little more vigorously.

But that was what started this in the first place…

Gritting his teeth, Sasuke leaned forward so that he no longer had to prop himself up. He moved his hand over her hair, running his fingers through her scalp and taking a firm grip of her hair. 

“Just the tip…” he groaned, attempting to make her start from the beginning again. Softer… how he liked it. Slow licks. Teasing.

She obeyed to the best of her ability. And despite his growing flaccidity, Sasuke made sure to keep breathing heavily. He didn’t want her to feel like he wasn’t enjoying this because  _ that _ would bring more trouble between them.

But thinking that wasn’t helping this situation.

_ Damnit! _

But Sasuke dropped his head back and attempted to stabilize his breathing… to clear his mind and focus on those lips that were around him. And as he slowly grew harder, he felt Sakura’s eagerness return, and an attempt to take him more fully into her mouth.

He’d stop her with a tug of the hair, physically commanding her to stay right where she was and lick the right places.

“Keep doing that,” he grunted through his teeth, feeling her tongue swirl around the head with a light suction.

After a few minutes, he was fully hard again, and his breathing grew jagged as he muttered curse phrases over her head. He was starting to feel his groin clench and tighten. He knew that if he allowed her to keep going that he’d come, and he  _ knew _ she wouldn’t have liked that.

“Take off your pants,” he ordered firmly, throwing his head back and releasing her hair to lean once again on his arm.

Sakura didn’t miss a beat. She didn’t miss a single lick either as she expertly unfastened her pants and wiggled out of them without letting his cock slip out of her mouth. And as soon as she had removed them, she had made an unexpected move. He was about to move forward and have her lay on her back, but instead, she tipped him over onto his back with delicately strong fingers and hovered over him--completely naked.

Sasuke watched her with intrigue. She had only done this maybe two or three times throughout their whole marriage as she knew he preferred missionary. But here she was, legs spread over him as she grasped onto his length with a soft hand, aligning it and guiding it under her entrance.

Sakura’s eyes were hidden under her hair, but he could see her swollen lips, red from sucking, parting slightly as she pushed the head into her.

She gasped and moved ever so lightly onto the tip. All Sasuke could feel was the warm, slick, wetness enveloping his head, and the strong desire to push inside her himself. But before he knew it, Sakura was lowering herself onto him, burying his cock inside of her until it was completely out of sight.

“Yessss….” she hissed as her head rolled back. “Unnngghh….”

Her hands rested on his chest, using it as leverage to push herself up and drop. She rocked herself in a steady motion; Sasuke planted his hand on her hip, feeling the movements under his grip. Before he knew it, Sakura’s movements had morphed from tantalizing, slow pumps, to the steady and quick rocking motion above him.

This was quite unlike her. She was much more eager than he was typically used to seeing.

He knew she liked it. He could feel her walls tightening around his cock, and even more so when she reached a hand and started rubbing herself vigorously. The only problem was that  _ he _ didn’t like this position very much. She was so wet that he was losing sensitivity… and she was  _ rocking _ , not bouncing, making the friction much less palpable. This is why he preferred to be in control.

Sakura started moaning loudly--the sound of her echoing into the forest.

“Shhh, Sakura…” he grinded out as she rode him. “Someone might... hear you.”

“I don’t fucking care…” she breathed, biting her lip in the middle of the phrase.

Although he  _ could _ feel something and was getting closer to the edge, Sasuke could no longer carry on this way. He had to take her the way he needed to. He peered up to see her head swaying as she rocked, hair splayed out over her face and even caught on her moist lips. Sasuke slid his hand up the curve of her side and up her back until he could curl his fingers around her shoulder. Leaning forward, he swiftly picked her up with his arms and hips, then rotated them both so that she was underneath him. 

He had slipped out for a moment, his arm still tucked beneath her and his face a mere two inches from hers. 

Sakura’s hair was now out of her face was settled in a pink crown around her head. She looked up with a pouty glance and she rolled her body under him so that her slit was grazing over the head of his cock. Taking in the image of his beautiful wife, Sasuke slid his shaft over her clit a few times before rolling in and out of her with just the tip, savoring the feeling of teasing her as she squirmed needily beneath him.

“So eager,” he muttered with a smirk, watching her reactions.

“Please…” she begged, biting her lip yet again.

Eyes flickering down to her mouth, he couldn’t help but pick up that little detail, wondering exactly  _ what it was _ making her so hungry. It couldn’t have been mere absence… They’d been apart for much longer, and she’d never been quite so energetic. Usually, Sakura would let  _ him _ do all of the work, and she’d do what he wanted. But her lips… so sexy. 

What changed? Was it this mission?

And so, Sasuke gave her exactly what she wanted: he slammed into her, burying himself deep inside of her and eliciting a pleasurable yelp. 

Instantly, Sakura’s hand shoved itself between them and began to rub. Her eyes rolled back and closed, breathing matched with each pump within her. Sasuke looked down to watch the movements of her hand and to see him slide in and out of her. Sakura grew tighter around him and her breathing became erratic and heavier; he knew she was close because her fingers moved faster too. 

“Slower,” she instructed almost indecipherably through heavy breathing, and he would heed.

Sakura would always do this. When she was about to orgasm, she’d lift her head slightly as her body clenched and she’d hold back a moan until she came. And as he pushed and pulled into her body, he knew she was about to come when he breathing stopped entirely.

And she did, violently, with one long jut of his hips and a rambunctious moan of intense pleasure.

“Shh…” he whispered in her ear again, but she could not be hushed.

It was if her body was attempting to milk him. He felt her begin to tremble around him; her walls pulsing intermittently in shorter intervals until he finally felt her orgasm subside. Sakura’s arm simply went slack and slipped out from between them, resting on the blanket as her chest heaved lightly. Her breathing evened out and on her face was a look of distance.

Sakura was elated--too far off and not  _ here. _

But Sasuke wasn’t done with her.

Now that she had come, he was free to move as he wished, and he wanted to be faster. Sasuke dropped his head beside hers and began to buck a little harder, feeling the pressure build up in his groin. He felt an occasional light twitch as she enveloped him, the sound of her wetness filling his ears. As he pushed into her, he felt Sakura come down from her high as her hands slid up his back and held him as he moved. Soon, her fingers made it into his hair, fisting it at the base of his neck.

She was calmer now, eyes closed and breathing slightly heavier than usual as he thrust harder within her. And finally, with a sharp plunge, he felt a pleasurable tightness in his groin and the pressure of release on the horizon. Finally, Sasuke picked up his pace and strength. He began to smash his hips against her, grunting with every subsequent movement, listening to Sakura mewl either from pleasure or the brusqueness of his actions.

Suddenly, as he bucked harshly into her body, Sakura spoke in a breathy yet alerted voice: “Sasuke-kun, don’t come inside me…!”

Sasuke picked up his head and stared at her as he resumed his movements. “Why?” 

“I dont… unnghh… want Kakashi to know what we did…when I go home!” she managed to say, implying that Kakashi’s sense of smell would be keen enough to pick up the scent of his seed.

The question almost bewildered him, causing him to thrust a little harder and grit his teeth.

_ Why does it matter what he thinks anyway? _ he asked himself inwardly.  _ You’re mine. _

“No,” he replied, smashing into her roughly and burying his head into her shoulder.

“I don’t care what Kakashi thinks…” he ground out in between grunts as he listened to Sakura moan loudly beneath him. “You’re  _ my _ wife. What’s happening there is imaginary.”

* * *

 

_ If only Sasuke knew how untrue that statement had been… _

Sakura stared into the ceiling of the tent as Sasuke thrusted into her, forcing herself to respond to his movements and moan as she took him in.

When Sasuke took her to his tent, she knew what he was trying to do, and as usual, she couldn’t bring herself to say  _ no _ . 

It’s not like she  _ didn’t _ want this, it was just that he’d upset her so much yesterday. Why did pleasure have to come with so many prerequisites and hoops to jump through? 

Why did she have to cry to get him to reciprocate?

And so, when Sasuke had started to touch her, she didn’t resist. Instead, she put on a mask and smiled.

It was easy enough to get in the mood--after all, she hadn’t had sex in a few months at this point. But as usual Sasuke would ask her to suck on him, and he would have her do so for so long that her jaw would get sore and the anticipation to have him faded away. But she continued to suck, diligently, feeling his hand buried in her hair, feeling him get softer in her mouth when she did  _ something _ wrong, whatever it was.

And just like everything else,  _ that _ hurt her already wounded insecurity.

By the time Sasuke was ready to take her, she was wet but the sensation of yearning was gone. But Sakura would try anyway, and she would try something different. 

Sasuke couldn’t reignite her at this point, but something else  _ could _ . And so she climbed on top of him, and thought back to the night she climbed on Kakashi’s lap, thought of his lips biting her, thought of him grinding into her on the dinner table after they shared that kiss.

She wouldn’t admit to herself willingly that she was thinking of another man as she fucked her husband, but she knew it without recognition. And soon, she was rubbing herself as she rode Sasuke, allowing herself to go into a mind-numbing state as she grew closer to her orgasm.

When Sasuke flipped her over, she whimpered for she was lost to the feeling of her body, and not necessarily the man prodding her as she fantasized. But whatever she did, she could at least make Sasuke  _ think _ that all of this was for him. 

Right now, he was merely a tool for her release. She was too angry and upset with him from the previous night to be emotionally connected to him. 

And so she played her role as it benefitted her: she sighed, moaned, mewled, and yelled in response to his thrusts. Perhaps she was overcompensating for the emptiness she felt despite being physically filled by him, but she would come regardless. And she did. Gloriously.

But when she heard him assert dominance and state that whatever happening in their mission was imaginary, she couldn’t help but fight his words inwardly. Thank god she had already come; otherwise, she might have prolonged it again. Maybe a past version of herself would have been turned on by his claim on her, or would have been smug to think that the attention of another man was driving him into her, even if it were just a little.

The truth was that how she felt in that tiny apartment with Kakashi was more real, full, and fulfilling than anything Sasuke had made her feel in her own home for  _ years _ .

Forced moans slipped out of her mouth as Sasuke grunted into her ear, some of his black hair covering her forehead as she grasped his hair at the nape.

_ Can I keep doing this?  _ she asked herself, wondering if she could continue this facade for the rest of her life when she’d been doing it for thirteen years.

Finally, with a few erratic jerks and the feeling of warmth and twitching within her, Sasuke had spilled his seed. He was groaning and panting beside her, her face nestled into the cavity between the arm and shoulder he used to hold himself up.

He was done.

Sasuke slowly allowed himself to slip out of her as his breathing recovered, his mess pouring out of her once he retreated.

Despite having just been filled, Sakura was empty--there was nothing, not even sadness. Just a void of emotions as she thought about her situation.

And then Sasuke rolled over and swiftly pulled up his pants. He placed a brief kiss on her cheek before saying, “You should probably get back… He’ll wonder if you’re gone for too long.”

_ He didn’t even ask you to stay. _

“Yeah,” she replied calmly, watching him move towards his pack and dig through it, thinking about Sasuke had literally  _ just  _ stated that he didn’t care what Kakashi thought.

_ He didn’t even hold you. _

She was sure then: Sasuke had done this for the pure routine of it. He had done it because she expected it and because, in the past, this was all it took to temporarily pacify her.

She knew that  _ he knew _ that she wanted this… and he was going through the motions.

Finally, a dull painful tug formed in her chest, causing her to sit up and make for her exit. She reached for the bra and sweater that had been thrown at her feet.

After she pulled her sweater on, Sasuke spoke from behind her, “Here.” He placed a large purple envelope on the blanket between them. “From Sarada.”

For once, Sakura offered him a genuine smile. She picked it up for a moment, feeling the heaviness of the envelope. Something was inside and it made her feel a moment of happiness.

She put it down again to wiggle into her panties and her pants. “Is she doing okay with Hinata?”

Sasuke merely leaned back on his arms and shrugged a little. “I didn’t stay for too long, but she seemed fine, as usual.”

“I see,” Sakura responded, turning away from him, picking up the envelope and delicately swiping a thumb across the characters that read “mama.”

_ What does you know? _ Sakura thought to herself as she considered the contents of the letter.  _ You never see how sad she is when you leave. She’s playing a role in front of you too… _

“Well, I’m going to head back,” Sakura stated, pushing herself onto her feet and crouching. 

Sasuke leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead, but Sakura made no move to return the affection. “I’ll see you.”

She chose not to say more as she exited--no goodbye, no kiss, no nothing.

He didn’t stop her as she moved past the flaps of his test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Okay, I know we’ve had a lot of Sasuke lately, but we’re definitely returning to our favorite man in the next chapter. This was probably the most smut I’ve ever written in a single chapter and it was hard because I tried to do the whole thing from a male perspective while maintaining the theme of the chapter. Although we’re getting a lot of Sasuke right now, I do feel like it’s important for Sakura’s character development.
> 
> This is a KakaSaku fic, however, the title of this fic and description only apply to Sakura, who is my main focus. Her relationship with Kakashi (and by nature of the story, with Sasuke) is ultimately a vehicle for something larger.


	24. … and All The Men and Women are Merely Players

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Hey everyone! Check out the title of Ch. 23 and 24 together as they are meant to parallel each other. Keep it in mind as you read through this chapter.
> 
> “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely players.”
> 
> I quoted Shakespeare’s famous scene from As You Like It because I felt like it was just so fitting for what I was trying to accomplish in these two chapters. I know a lot of people really aren’t feeling the Sasuke thing, but it just wouldn’t feel right to me if I didn’t get into the soul of that problem. I would hope that, despite the heavy material we’re going through right now, the emotional realism is what is drawing people to my vision of Sakura’s story. I’m not including Sasuke for the sake of having Sasuke, and I had a very specific goal. But as was stated in the last chapter, Sasuke character will be M.I.A. for awhile.
> 
> Delany16789, I know that we’re all here for resolution and a relationship between Sakura and Kakashi, but I’m sure that, even in the fictional universe and in the real world, divorce doesn’t happen quite so quickly and without utter confusion. I would imagine that for most people, even if they recognize they aren’t happy, that the process to come to a decision is one of the most painful and grueling experiences of their lives--especially if they have a child. Although I tend to be an idealist, I also want to anchor the story in as much realistic emotions as possible. It’s depressing because it’s truly a depressing situation, but happier times will come, and they’ll be stronger because she went through that. There can be no understanding of happiness without being able to contrast it with pain.

_ Dear Mama, _

_ I’m so happy to hear from you and I’m glad that you’re having fun on your mission. I know I can’t ask much about it, but it sounds like you’re undercover with Kakashi-sama. I hope it doesn’t get too dangerous out there, but even if it does, I know you can handle it. _

_ Papa stopped by Hinata-obasan’s house and asked to see me. He was, you know, the same as usual, but I was excited to see him anyway. He gave me the scarf you sent me and I put it on immediately. It’s so soft and goes well with my red coat. Thank you for sending it. _

_ Do you see Papa more often out there? _

_ Things are going well at Hinata-obasan’s house. Right now, I’m sharing a room with Himawari-chan and she’s so cute. I’m studying when I get a chance in between training with Konohamaru-sensei and going on missions. Nanadaime was also so kind to offer me a part-time internship at the reception desk in the Hokage building while you are gone to keep me extra busy. Sometimes, I even get to work with Shikadai’s papa! _

_ If you’re worried about me, don’t be. I never feel alone thanks to Nanadaime and Hinata-obasan. Besides, I get to listen to baka Boruto-kun yelling all the time, and it’s fun to keep him in check here and there. _

_ I do miss you though. If I could ask you for one thing, and if it isn’t too much trouble, could you and Kakashi-sama send me a picture? I think it’d be a nice memento of your first mission for when you come back, and I’ll keep it with me until then. _

_ Anyway, I made you a keychain to keep with you as a reminder of me on your mission. Does it look familiar? It matches papa’s kunai and my bracelet! _

_ Love, _

_ Sarada _

As Sakura jumped sluggishly through the trees, she kept her eyes glued to the stationary paper bordered with various shades of purple and swirls. She couldn’t wait to read the letter; she just missed her daughter so much.

While she read the contents, she couldn’t help but smile with gratitude. Naruto and Hinata were really taking care of Sarada, and she’d absolutely need to figure out a way to thank them when she returned home. An internship probably meant  _ everything _ to Sarada, especially since Naruto had found out that she looked up to him and dreamed to become Hokage. And the request for a picture had been so cute that Sakura felt her heart flutter. Sarada missed her enough to want to keep a photo of her close.

Sakura clutched tightly onto the envelope, carefully pulling out the keychain Sarada had mentioned in her letter. Attached to a silver keychain ring was a tightly woven red and pink tassel. Beside it was a one-inch clay Uchiha fan, painted with acrylic and sprayed with some sort of sealant.

Tucking the letter into her pocket, she used her now free hand to caress the gift.

_ The Uchiha Crest… _

Looking at it brought Sakura a feeling of ambivalence. She was so happy that Sarada had sent her something and had thought of her. Sarada was an Uchiha after all, and… Sakura was too.

Not by blood, but by marriage. An Uchiha wife. And through that marriage, she had brought a beautiful Uchiha child into the world. Sakura didn’t regret her marriage for a second because it gave her Sarada, but she did feel all of the emptiness echoing within her.

This was the same marriage that had made her cry for the last thirteen years… the one that left her to be essentially a single parent… the one that swallowed any trace of  _ Haruno Sakura _ .

And she had been fulfilling her new role well, accepting whatever it threw her way to maintain her status as Sasuke’s wife and Sarada’s mother. But in retrospect, it had always  _ felt _ like a role rather than her identity.

Haruno Sakura was underneath there somewhere, and she wanted to find her. The Uchiha name simply encased her like a cocoon. But how could she break free?

She thought back to the sex she experienced with Sasuke not even moments before. She had committed to him for life, but hadn’t she just thought about  _ Kakashi _ while…

She wondered if it would be different with  _ him _ … not just sex, but life. And if she did, how would Sarada take it? Would she hate her for betraying her papa? Would Sakura even entertain the idea of leaving Sasuke?

But the thought made her feel almost guilty… she had to think about her daughter. And although she told herself that, these ideas, names, and roles were a film covering her skin or dripping out of her and onto her undergarments.  _ She _ was buried underneath there somewhere… and she wanted to wash all of it off in search of her.

* * *

 

The moment Sakura walked into the dark apartment, Kakashi had just emerged from the bathroom, steam leaking in front of the golden light of the bathroom door.

He was wearing his loose navy blue pants and was shirtless—the wetness of his skin glistened under the faint lighting of the bathroom. His silver hair was slicked back and wet, making it look almost metallic, dripping water around his feet and down his temple. He was wiping his face roughly with his towel, but the minute he heard the door click, he lowered the towel to see Sakura smiling softly by the doorway.

Her cheeks were red from the sight of him. After  _ just _ sleeping with a man, she wondered how she could still look at another in this way.

But his eyes gave only a fleeting look of surprise before morphing into a look of coldness and disregard. “Hey,” he muttered quietly.

Kakashi swung the towel over his head and began to dry his hair as he turned away from her and headed towards the dresser.

She watched him crouch down and shuffle through the clothes to pull out a shirt. She tried to ignore his seeming disinterest and walked toward the dining table. He had never been quite so distant when she’d come home, but she supposed there was a first for everything, and it wasn’t as if he didn’t have reason to be… After all, she’d come home with the evidence of sex on her body and clothes.

But on the table, Sakura found her dinner, cold, and covered with a napkin for the second night in a row.

She instantly felt a pang of guilt in her chest. 

Kakashi had been at home  _ for two nights _ , waiting for her, cooking for her, thinking about her, and she was out with total disregard for him as she dawdled with Sasuke.

“Kakashi,” she called out gently, fingers tracing over the napkin and the sides of her dinner plate.

He turned to look at her, holding his shirt in his fist. The lids of his eyelids remained low and his mouth was pulled tight across his face. 

Sakura turned to approach him slowly, unsure of how Kakashi would respond to her, but knowing she had to say something regardless. As she moved towards him, she could hear nothing but the light taps of her feet on the floorboards and her heartbeat against her chest. Kakashi watched her with unchanging eyes, and when she was finally in front of him, she slowly reached out to touch his arm.

He dropped both arms to his sides to avoid it. Sakura’s eyes widened slightly and her hands moved back as if she were going to touch fire.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, dropping her head to look at the floor. She heard him swallow as he shifted his head to look away from her. 

“Why did you hide it from me?” Kakashi asked gruffly.

She knew that he figured it out, but despite that, she felt herself pretending that she knew otherwise. “What do you mean…?” 

Kakashi inhaled slightly and then sighed sharply. His eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed as he swallowed. He took another step back from her, throwing the shirt he held in his fist onto the bed.

“Last night you lied to see Sasuke. And now today,” he continued. “I knew since last night but I didn’t say anything because I hoped you would tell me yourself.”

Sakura was speechless. How could she answer his question? She understood why he was feeling this disappointment, but when she was faced with it upfront, she found herself wondering  _ how _ he felt he had the right to feel that way.

But it was selfish of her and she knew it, because she felt something for Kakashi just as he did for her… even if she was married.

Suddenly, she felt the need to justify her actions somehow. Keeping her eyes toward the ground, Sakura began to explain, “It’s just that… after everything that’s been happening between us, I had to see him and sort my feelings out…”

“So did you? Did you have fun while you were at it?” he spat out harshly, looking as though he was biting back a growl. 

“Kakashi, I…” 

_ Sasuke is my husband,  _ she had wanted to say to him, hoping that that would be enough to justify her actions and invalidate his. But Sakura was unable to continue. She felt his gaze on her but she avoided looking back, raising a fist to her chest instead. She didn’t have to look at him to know she would see a look on his face that he’d never given her before. 

_ You’re my wife… what’s happening there is imaginary. _

Sasuke’s words echoed in mind causing an indescribable guilt, yet she wasn’t sure which person she was feeling it for.

Then Kakashi sighed again, body relaxing in her peripheral view, his back slouching into his standard resting position. Kakashi drew an arm to run his hand through his wet hair, then rested it behind his neck, rubbing slowly.

“Sakura, I’m sorry…” he said quietly, though it was clear to Sakura that there was still some grit in his voice. “I have no right. I know that, I just…”

Kakashi sat down on the bed, pulling the towel that had been slung over his shoulder and holding it between his hands, kneading it as his arms rested on his knees. This time, Kakashi’s gaze remained on the floor.

Sakura finally found the courage to look at him once he had apologized, but still no words came out. Instead, she tried to close the gap between them and sat beside him with little space between their legs. 

She knew that the thoughts floating in her head were conflicted and she wanted to make sense of them. Up to this point, every attempt she had made to understand her feelings, Sasuke’s feelings, or Kakashi’s feelings had resulted in more confusion and more pain, but it wouldn’t stop her from trying. 

She  _ wanted _ to hear and understand what was happening between them, even if she instinctively knew the answer, hearing him say it was another matter… there was an invisible pull to say, do, and hear things that she  _ knew _ would lead to the same result. Part of her wanted to get over this bump as fast as possible because this was a side of Kakashi she had never seen, and she wanted the charming and comforting man to come back again. 

Most of all, however, the other part of her wanted him to finish his sentence.

“Kakashi,” she cooed, feeling a little emboldened yet hesitant. Sakura leaned in his direction and slid a lithe hand around his wrist. “Tell me…”

Kakashi turned to look at her in the eyes. He looked at her blankly, and she understood that it was almost a look that was saying she shouldn’t even need to ask. But in that look, she saw a bit of anguish in his eyes, and she wanted to make it go away.

“Why did you hide it?” Kakashi repeated sternly. “Why couldn’t you just tell me that you needed to see him alone?”

“I don’t know,” Sakura admitted shamefully, her attention flickering down to the hand resting on his wrist. 

Did she think he wouldn’t understand? Did she think he’d be hurt? Did she think she could  _ avoid  _ that outcome? But she knew she was foolish; in this scenario,  _ someone _ would undoubtedly be hurt.

“I have no right to be jealous, but I am. I know you’re married and that you have every reason to want to see and… sleep with your husband…”

Sakura’s fist tightened around the hem of her sweater. Kakashi placed his hand on her chin and gently turned Sakura’s head to face him.

“...but even if I  _ didn’t _ feel something for you, it upsets me when you’re around him. It has been for awhile, and  _ that _ isn’t just jealousy.”

His touch was so gentle, and when he came in to view, the intensity of his gaze mixed with his soft voice made her want to stop breathing. And he’d said  _ it _ . That he felt something for her, that he was jealous.

Why did slight jealousy feel like  _ nothing _ from Sasuke, yet jealousy from Kakashi made her insides turn to mush. But he there was one thing she wasn’t sure she understood…

“What do you mean?” she asked.

Kakashi continued to stare at her, holding her chin firmly yet gently at the same time. His hand was warm, moistened, his thumb caressed just below her lip as his eyebrows creased downward. To Sakura, he looked as though he were considering whether or not to continue.

After a moment of silence between them, Kakashi answered her question.

“You change when you’re around Sasuke.”

For some reason, that simple statement made her heart stop.

“When it’s just you and me, and even when you’re around  _ other _ people, I feel like you’re really Sakura.”

Sakura held her breath and stared at him with widened eyes as Kakashi spoke to her, as attentive as an animal on alert for fear of oncoming danger, ready to flee at a moment’s notice. But she walked straight into this one…

“You’re a leader, you’re charming, you’re confident, you’re strong, you’re beautiful…”

His thumb was still tracing warm circles over her chin, holding her face lightly.

“You’re the woman that I’ve grown to know after all these years.”

And then suddenly, the warmth was taken from her: Kakashi removed his hand and placed it back on his lap, gripping his knee and turning away. She heard him swallow. Sakura instantly yearned for his touch again.

“But when you’re with Sasuke… you shrivel up. You walk on eggshells. You’re quiet, afraid to speak. You’re worried about  _ what _ you say and  _ how _ you say it. You wait for  _ his  _ instructions and approval… just like the Sakura I knew when she was a child, the one who saw Sasuke leave Konoha and couldn’t be stop blaming herself...”

Kakashi looked straight at her again, but this time, there was something like regret reflected in his eyes.

“When you’re with Sasuke, it’s as if  _ that  _ Sakura never changed or grew up…”

Sakura inhaled sharply when he spoke those last words and she retracted her hand from his wrist. For the first time ever, Kakashi had said something that triggered sadness deep within her. But Sasuke was the gun and Kakashi’s words were the echo of the blast.

_ He was right _ .

Sakura and Kakashi continued to stare at each other in silence, everything about and in between them suspended except for the subtle movement of their breathing and the tears forming at the brim of her eyes.

It  _ hurt _ , but then again, was there anything about her marriage at this point that  _ didn’t _ ?

Sakura felt her lips quiver as the first drops streamed down her cheek. Kakashi had moved to reach for her, but she jerked into a standing position. He watched her silently as Sakura swiftly walked through the bathroom door, slammed it shut, and locked it.

There was a layer of  _ film _ encasing her as if it were a preservative, and Kakashi could see it.

Sakura rushed towards the bathtub and turned on the hot water. She didn’t even undress completely; she only deposited her pants and her sweater, digging out Sarada’s keychain before getting into the tub. She impatiently dunked herself straight into the water wearing her undergarments, waiting for it to fill up as she curled up at the end and cried into her arms, her fingers running over the Uchiha crest.

Kakashi hadn’t meant to hurt her, and she saw his eyes soften and his eyebrows curl in concern when he noticed her tears. He’d only revealed a truth about herself that she had known for so long but never wanted to admit.

She  _ couldn’t _ be herself around Sasuke. She  _ was _ always worried about who, when, how, or why in his presence. She was afraid of being annoying. Weak. 

Inwardly, she knew that she was neither of those things, but ever since she had married Sasuke, ever since his first long term departure, she knew she had not truly attempted to prove otherwise. Ever since that first departure, she had been suppressing herself: her desires, her feelings, her actions. She had been suppressing all of it out of fear that if she expressed those things, Sasuke would stay away from her and Sarada even longer.

She would always wonder, _what could I do to make Sasuke come back?_ _Who do I have to be to make him want to stay home with me?_

And with that question came a mask and a role. Yet none of those roles worked; she would find failure in them time and time again. She had been trying to figure out  _ just who she needed to be _ and lost herself in the act.

But somewhere behind that act was  _ Sakura _ : the Sakura who always had great intelligence and chakra control; Sakura the jonin, the one who surpassed her parents in rank and brought them great pride; Sakura, the apprentice of the Godaime, and the only inheritor of Tsunade’s colossal strength and byakugou; Sakura, who was one-third of the new Three-Way Deadlock.

And she didn’t get there by luck. She got there through hard work, determination, resilience, courage, and just a little bit of arrogance.

_ Where did that Sakura go? _

And could she truly blame Sasuke for it?

For all these years, every time someone would ask her  _ how _ she put up with his absence, she would answer that she understood him. That--even though he was gone for long periods of time--they were connected emotionally. But the truth was that she wasn’t, and  _ he  _ wasn’t, because neither of them could truly understand or fulfill the needs of the other.

Her eternal wait was  _ still _ a chase.

And no matter who Sasuke was or how he chose to act, it was Sakura who chose to chase him without understanding the repercussions.

The reality was, after all this time, Sakura’s decision to indefinitely chase and hold on to her husband was emotionally holding her back--from herself.

* * *

 

“Sakura,” Kakashi called out, causing a light thump as he dropped his forehead against the bathroom door.

All he could hear was the sound of running water.

“Sakura, I’m sorry.”

No answer.

But it was his fault that Sakura was crying in the first place. The moment he saw her tears fall from her widened eyes, he knew he should have kept that his thoughts to himself. Many had referred to him as a genius over the years, but the feelings of other people had never quite been a topic he excelled at. He foolishly spoke his mind without considering the true consequence, and because of that, he knew he couldn’t leave Sakura like this.

“I know you can hear me,” Kakashi started, speaking loudly and as close to the door as he could. “Please let me explain myself.”

Nothing. Nothing but the sound of water running. 

He dropped his fist on the door and left it beside his head.

“Do you remember the night you cried… the night of Naruto’s dinner?”

Kakashi paused, but this time, he waited a shorter amount of time before continuing.

“When I saw you crying… I was reminded of that young Sakura. And as your old sensei, I thought maybe I could  _ help _ you this time. I failed you as a student. I failed Sasuke--and because I saw so much of myself in him, I focused on saving him, leaving you behind as Sasuke and Naruto kept my attention.”

Kakashi exhaled heavily on the door, feeling his breath spread across the wood and make contact with his hands. He shut his eyes tightly, forcing himself to be ready to admit something to Sakura that he’d never had the courage to say out loud before…

“I left you to fend for yourself… and you had to seek help from someone else. Even though Tsunade trained you more than I could have ever dreamed to, it should have been me, or it should have started with me. I’m not your sensei anymore, but I… I decided that night that I would never ignore you again, not when the cries for help were so loud, so obvious. You were alone… you were heartbroken.  And even if I wasn’t your sensei,  _ this time _ … I wanted to help you as a friend. As someone who cares about you. As someone who just wants to see you happy.”

Behind the door he heard the wading of water and a muffled sob. His fist tightened in response.

“I’ll admit that this is how all of this started, Sakura… but I saw you break out of your shell again. Do you remember how Sarada’s eyes lit up when she saw us fight each other for the first time on Training Grounds 2?”

Kakashi let out a little chuckle against the door, unsure if Sakura could hear it.

“...I’d never seen her so in awe before. And I’d never seen more pride in yourself than when you looked into the twinkling eyes of your own daughter. Looking back, I realize now that  _ that _ was when I started to… feel something for you. I was so happy to see  _ you _ happy.”

Pausing for moment, Kakashi wondered if he should continue--wondering again if he would cause more pain or fix it by saying what he wanted to say. He sighed heavily and hoped for the best.

“But then Sasuke came back… and I saw your hesitation in the Hokage’s Office… and I saw the distance between the two of you as you walked home. And I was afraid that all of the progress you’d made would just… disappear. And even if I had no right to her, I was afraid that the Sakura that I was falling for would vanish right in front of me.”

Suddenly, Kakashi heard splashing and the heavy streams of water as Sakura rose from the bath… and then a click of the lock.

Kakashi backed away from the door, his heart beating against his chest in nervousness, unsure of what he would find behind it once he opened it. Would she be angry? 

He slowly reached for the handle, steam pouring out of the cracks as his fingers curled over the edge and he slid the door open.

Sitting before him on the bathroom floor was Sakura, dressed only in soaked black underwear, hair dripping everywhere, and her head curled into herself. In her hand was a long pink and red tassel, her thumb fiddling with something he couldn’t quite make out.

Kakashi stepped into the bathroom and stood in front of her, feeling the warmth of the steam envelope his body. He began to crouch beside her and as he did so, he saw her body curl in further. He looked away from her for just a moment to reach behind her and shut off the water.

Silence. 

But then Sakura looked up, eyes and cheeks stained red and puffy from crying, but her tears had stopped. 

Looking up at him with sad green eyes and hair sticking to her face, Sakura put forth a familiar request. 

“Hold me,” she whispered.

And Kakashi couldn’t move fast enough. He promptly sat beside her, leaning his bare back against the cool porcelain tub, and opened his arms to invite her in. He slipped his right arm behind her back, pulling her by the waist as she moved to climb into his lap.

As drenched as she was, he was glad he’d never put on his shirt. He could dry his pants on the clothesline tomorrow.

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi spoke softly as Sakura nestled into a sideways position, the side of her head resting on his collarbone. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Kakashi wrapped his left arm around her waist and slid the other arm onto her leg, holding her tightly into place as he leaned his cheek over the top of her head. He felt the bottom of her feet knead lightly onto his thigh as she made herself comfortable.

“I know,” Sakura responded weakly. He felt her soft cheek move against his skin as she spoke. “And I don’t blame you, you know? For focusing on Naruto and Sasuke… not anymore.”

“But I--”

“They were the kids with more pressing needs, not me… they were the parentless children, the ones who were clawing themselves out of the darkness, and I was just… a girl who selfishly took things for granted.”

“Sakura, that doesn’t excuse--”

“It’s okay,” she interrupted kindly. He felt her left hand lay flat on his chest, sliding upwards until it curled around his shoulder and cupped him behind the neck. She started to lightly comb the wet hair with her fingers.

She was still fiddling with something in her right hand.

“When we were walking home from Naruto’s, I couldn’t believe that the man giving me that kind of comfort was  _ you _ … you were the first person to look at me in the eye and confront me with my own demons. And you did it again, and again--especially the morning Sasuke came home and I was considering  _ not _ taking this mission.”

Sakura lifted her head from his shoulder and pressed her forehead against his stubbly cheek, hand slipping even higher into the base of his hair. He felt surprisingly calm despite the beating of his heart. She was mutually admitting something now, just like he had outside of the door only a moment ago.

“Every time, you repelled any sort of hesitation I could come up with. You comforted me, reassured me, made me smile after all of the crying I’d done.”

The hand nestled into Kakashi’s hair was now making its way towards his other cheek. She caressed it once and then peeled her cheek away from his, turning his head gently to look at her.

Green eyes. No more sadness. Just affection and transparency. Like he could see past them and into her heart.

“Kakashi…” she paused, her pink lips curling upwards into a smile. “You brought me clarity when I couldn’t see it myself. And even though I’m still confused about  _ us _ in light of my marriage, you still bring me clarity, even now.”

As Sakura continued to graze her thumb across his cheek, Kakashi felt his hands tighten the hold on her body, feeling his fingers sink into her soft skin as an astonished look registered on his face. He hadn’t been totally aware that that’s what he’d done for her.

He wanted to kiss her so bad, even  _ if _ she’d just come home from Sasuke.

But Sakura wasn’t done talking, and so he restrained himself and continued listening.

“And you were right tonight… about all of it. Everything you said to me about how I am around Sasuke.” At the mention of Sasuke, Sakura looked away, removed her hand, placing it on the top of her knee, and leaned her head back into the crook of his neck.

Sakura lifted her right arm, resting it on her other knee and slid a finger into the keychain she had been holding. It was completely visible to Kakashi for the first time, and he saw that, in addition to the braided pink and red tassel, there was a little clay Uchiha fan attached to it.

“Sarada made it for me…” she whispered, a hint of sadness returning in her voice. “Her father has a matching one without pink on it, and she has a bracelet.”

Even to Kakashi, the keychain was a painful reminder that there was a beautiful 13 year old girl at stake--one who would suffer from all of these unplanned occurrences with her mother. Sakura was an Uchiha now. She was married. She had been for so long, so what exactly was Kakashi doing just now?

He was coming in between a family. A broken one, sure, but a family nonetheless.

He swallowed thickly, feeling his jaw tense and the lump in his throat rise and fall. He tilted his head back until the keychain was out of view, feeling his fingers loosen around Sakura’s body.

Sakura seemed to be starting at it almost absently, twirling it in her fingers as she continued speaking.

“Uchiha Sakura… the sole Uchiha survivor’s wife… the mother of his continuing bloodline. Do you know something?” Sakura asked, her body starting to shiver from the cold air flowing in from the open door. 

“What’s that?” Kakashi responded quietly, looking forward and sliding both hands under her bottom, picking her up so he could slide a leg out and straighten it.

“Are you numb?” Sakura picked up her head from his shoulder and looked at him with concern.

“No,” he lied. He was a little numb, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. He preferred that Sakura was comfortable as she talked to him. He understood that she needed this moment.

“I’m just going to close the door so you aren’t as cold.” Luckily, Kakashi’s leg was just long enough to reach the edge of the door. He pressed the sole of his feet against the wood and dragged it shut, enclosing them both in the remnant steam in the room.

He curled his leg under Sakura again, dropped her body back onto his lap, and reached for her pink towel on the rack. 

Continuing from where she left off, Sakura said almost confidently. “Have you realized that  _ every. single. Uchiha. _ born from this point on will have  _ Haruno  _ blood? Potentially  _ my _ strength?  _ My _ chakra control?”

Kakashi fluffed the pink towel grabbed and draped it over Sakura’s exposed side. But the thought she offered hadn’t crossed his mind before, although it made sense since Sarada had already proven this to be true.

“I hadn’t thought about it,” Kakashi admitted, an image of Sarada’s fists and echoed  _ Chaaaa-naro  _ flashing through his mind.

“No one does,” she replied, dropping her head yet again into her favorite spot on his neck. “When they think of my children, all they think about is  _ Sasuke _ … and the sharingan. She will have  _ my  _ byakugou too, and someday, perhaps even a contract with Katsuyu  _ and  _ Aoda… but all people will hear and remember is Sasuke.”

Sakura nuzzled into Kakashi’s arms, pulling the towel closer to her neck as if it were a blanket.

“Uchiha Sasuke and Uchiha Sarada will go down in the history books forever as the new origin of the clan… and I’ll just be  _ his wife _ .”

Sakura’s voice shrank into a whisper as she continued, “All of my life has been consumed by Uchiha Sasuke… It’s like I’m lost in that name and the legacy of his eyes… It seems like… it will  _ always _ be my role to be left behind.”

Kakashi was at a loss for words.  _ This _ was something he didn’t know how to bring comfort for. How could he console her over something larger than the two of them? In an age where so many illustrious shinobi exceeded what was previously possible, even the fists of doom and the byakugou was not enough to elevate her to what was once considered the rank of a Legendary Sannin. Only Naruto and Sasuke had transcended far enough to be almost God-like shinobi, and despite his own genius, Kakashi recognized that much of his own success due to the novelty of a shinobi expertly wielding a sharingan without the Uchiha name.

But Kakashi and Sakura did have something in common. He  _ too _ was linked to the identity of the Sharingan, so much so that it was embedded in his public name--his  _ stage _ name. 

He couldn’t erase it for her--for either of them. All he could do was hold her and be physically present. He hoped that would be enough for now.

“It’s not fair,” Kakashi breathed into her forehead, pressing the side of his lips onto her skin, clutching onto her body tighter as he held her.

“It’s not,” she parroted quietly, but then Sakura backed her head away to look up at Kakashi. He returned the gaze, waiting for what she would say or do next. “But when I’m with you Kakashi, I don’t feel any of that pressure to  _ be _ someone I’m not, or to  _ prove _ my worth, or as if I don’t have a say in what I feel or want to do…”

Just like he had seen earlier, the look of affection returned to her jade eyes. Her hand returned to cradle his neck, more confident in both her movements and her voice. 

“When I’m with you, I feel like I’m  _ just _ Sakura, and that  _ that’s _ enough.”

Kakashi couldn’t help but smile with her admission, moving his hand to mimic hers and make its way up her spine and into the damp hair at her neck.

“You  _ are _ enough,” he replied smoothly, voice low but genuine in meaning.

Sakura’s soft smile spread into a grin across her face, slowly pulling his head towards hers as she spoke: “I just want to stop feeling so…  _ bad _ about myself… and for once, I’m going to do what  _ I _ want…”

The towel fell off of her shoulders and onto the wet floor.

And then she kissed him. He saw her eyes flutter shut as her soft lips made slow contact with him, gently gliding their lips together in synchronized movement and allowing his eyes to close as well. He wanted this kiss as much as she did, but he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Sakura meant by that statement. 

What would happen between them now?

But Sakura broke away from the kiss, the touch of her lips lingering on his lips like the steam surrounding their skin. Kakashi looked down at her tenderly, the side of his lips quirking into a smirk. She smiled brightly in his hands, reaching up to run her hands through his damp, silvery hair.

“... but at my pace,” she concluded, sliding her hand back onto his shoulder.

Kakashi decided not to press the matter. He was partially afraid and partially excited because he  _ didn’t  _ know exactly what she was implying, but he knew he would let whatever happened between them… just happen.

Smiling, Kakashi wanted to further lighten the mood.

“Tell me about Sarada-chan.”

He felt Sakura’s body convulse a little as she gave a cute laugh.

“Oh, Kakashi, we have to thank Naruto and Hinata when we get home!”

_ We _ , he thought briefly, conceding to the idea of it in light of her perplexing statement. Sakura’s smile was brighter than he’d seen in the last few days. He felt his chest grow warm.

“Naruto gave Sarada a part-time internship at Hokage Tower. I can’t imagine how happy she is.”

“She’ll be a regular Hokage in no time,” Kakashi chuckled just thinking about it, lightening his touch around her, and draping an arm over the edge of the tub.

Without the back support, Sakura sat straight up in his lap, looking energetic and absolutely renewed.

“I know, and guess what?” she asked, rising a hand to cover her mouth as she giggled. “Sarada asked us to send her a picture of us. She wants to keep it with her until I get home.”

Kakashi’s smirk widened into a smile as he observed Sakura’s excitement. His leg was absolutely void of any feeling besides the prick of a thousand needles all at once, but watching Sakura’s optimism, knowing she was comforted and back to her regular self was worth it.

“I guess we’ll have to go out soon and get a portrait taken,” he suggested, already thinking of all the ways to surprise Sakura on that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: A/N: Phew! It feels so good to get this chapter out. When I wrote Ch. 23, I knew I had to get its partner out as soon as possible. To be honest, I love the insights that came out of both 23 and 24, but it was really hard for even me to get them out because of the content. When I was writing this chapter, I had to stop and take a moment when I finished Sakura’s section with: “The reality was, after all this time, Sakura’s decision to indefinitely chase and hold on to her husband was emotionally holding her back--from herself.”
> 
> I felt that one in my chest.
> 
> Anyway, there were so many complex emotions in these last two chapters that my brain is a little fried from endlessly trying to complete the two over the last few days. I hope the quality didn’t decrease in this chapter due to my fatigue. I think I need a little break! Don’t worry, I’ll be back next week. I have a bunch of detailed outlines remember?
> 
> If you feel so inclined, please leave a review as they absolutely keep me inspired! Sometimes, I’ll be gone for awhile and come back to see a review. It perks me up and draws me back as it reminds me that I made a commitment to finishing what I started.
> 
> Thank you all, as always.


	25. Painting Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Before you start reading, I just want to preface with some information about Sai’s character. He seems to have evolved socially in the Boruto timeline and he’s much less awkward. In fact, he seems more attuned to his emotions and art as shown in Inojin’s episode. For those of you who don’t follow Boruto, I wanted to let you know that I’ll be using that Sai in this story, not the one who is still held back by his training in the Foundation. 
> 
> Also, I am not an artist and I may be just coming up with things and/or using romanticized ideas about artists. Thank you to Chai for talking to me about some art school ideas~
> 
> Anyway, wow! I know something went well when I see an atypical surge of reviews on a single chapter—and by well I mean an emotional reaction, not necessarily in regards to a measurement of quality. I love me some emotions. I had a couple of people tell me that they cried reading the last chapter. I’m so sorry! This comment is a paradox for me because I feel bad, but I am also happy that the writing is connecting to people! Thank you all for the reviews~

From the corner of her eye, Sakura thought she could feel Sai observing her with general disapproval. Her paintbrush moved hesitantly as she was too concerned with dragging it too heavily and making a smudge of paint that was much larger than she desired.

This was their first formal art support session together and they’d been painting side-by-side on the kitchen table for the last two hours. It was more of a general session than it was instructional. Sai explained that he needed to gauge her current skill set and to watch her process so that he could accurately decide how to help. 

To start, he told her to paint something of her choice and she has chosen the bed for two reasons: she liked the color of their yellow bed sheets against the white walls and wooden floorboards, and, quite honestly, because it was in front of her and she didn’t know what else to paint. 

A lot of things had taken place on that bed, hadn’t it? And so she justified to herself that it’d be enough of a subject.

Meanwhile, to keep himself submerged in the task, Sai also went through Sakura’s thin stack of canvases and chose one to recreate. He had explained that, in an attempt to recreate something she made, he could better connect with her style and suggest improvements. She didn’t know better anyway, and so she agreed hesitantly, wondering if he was silently telling himself how awful she must be. 

As such, this sitting was much quieter than Sakura would have preferred. In her mind, his silence was a way to withhold any bad comments about her painting from which she could infer that he had absolutely nothing positive to say about her work.

For some reason, Sai’s watch made her more unsettled and insecure about her work than when Sayuri or Imada-sensei was over her shoulder, and this made the silence ever more unbearable. She didn’t know  _ why _ Sai’s opinion on her work mattered so much to her.

“Sai,” Sakura called out, breaking the silence yet never looking away from her canvas or stopping her motions. “Why did you choose that one?”

Sai, however, who was much more effective and skillful, could stop to respond and still complete his task before her. He set his brush down on the easel and put his hands on his knees, sitting straight.

“Because it had the most emotion in it,” he responded simply, referring to the mother-daughter silhouette piece she had painted when she first arrived in Takumi Village. As he peered back to Sakura’s current work, she saw his head move through her peripheral, his body remaining absolutely still and rigid. Even though Sai had changed over the years and his social habits relaxed, he certainly retained his strict posture. 

Sakura sighed heavily, feeling like that was a backhanded compliment of some sort.

Sai, who seemed to be naive to the sound of flailing confidence, shifted his attention back and forth between the two canvases and began to ask questions.

“Sakura, you prefer acrylic paint?”

“I don’t know any differently,” she replied with a shrug of her shoulders.

“That’s typically what new artists start with anyway. I recommend sticking with that for now.”

Then there was a pause. Sakura didn’t really know how to engage in this conversation, and if she didn’t know how to read Sai back in Konoha, she certainly didn’t know how to read him now. 

Was he trying to imply that she did not have the skills to try something like watercolors or oils?

Sakura felt a vein pulse somewhere near the temples of her head. She gripped her paintbrush a little harder, and then loosened as she exhaled, fearful of accidentally snapping it.

As Sakura’s eyes flickered from her canvas and to the bed, she focused on painting the lines of the bedsheet in a goldenrod color as the edges. She had the intention of blending it into the base light canary yellow color so that she could soften the edges somehow.

_ No, _ she told herself, concentrating on her task.  _ Sai isn’t trying to imply anything, he’s just trying to help! Ugh! Stop being so annoying. _

Just as Sakura began to force her mind to stop such nonsense, she heard the rattle of the doorknob followed by the grainy dragging of the wooden door. As Kakashi walked in with his orange scarf wrapped around his neck, ears and cheeks tinted red, a cold gust of dry, winter air instantly assaulted her skin. 

“Tadaima,” Kakashi announced monotonously, seeming tired with his eyes low from hours of likely uneventful boredom. Sakura didn’t even have to ask. His expression alone allowed her to conclude that nothing had happened during his watch, as usual.

“Hello,” replied Sai with closed eyes, turning his head to flash a characteristically artificial smile.

“Okaeri,” rubbing her hands together as she eyed him, trying to recover from the cold that Kakashi had momentarily let into the apartment. “Dinner is on the counter. I made some oden to warm you up. Just turn on the stove.”

Sakura looked back at her painting before Kakashi responded, “Have the two of you eaten?”

“Uh-huh,” she called back, swirling her brush into her water tray before picking up a glob of brown with her paintbrush. It was time to paint the bed frame and the floor. 

_ Hmm _ , she thought, as the sound of the pot banging on to the stove filled her ears. The end of the brush made it onto her lip as she pondered her next move, her face pensive.  _ I guess I can make the floorboards a little darker so that they don’t blend in with the bed frame… and I can work with some darker shadows too. _

“Sakura, I’ve noticed that you spend a lot of time on your lines,” Sai commented, breaking her from her meditative state.

“Yeah, I guess I like to make sure the structure is there before I fill it in.”

“Hmm,” he murmured, turning back to the canvas he had begun to paint on. 

Sakura’s attention followed his, and already her original painting had taken a different form under Sai’s hand. Her eyes widened as she scanned the work. He had hardly been working on it for 20 minutes, and already the painting had a depth to it that Sakura didn’t know if she herself could achieve. The silhouette of the mother cradling her daughter was no longer this black shadowy mass--he had blurred the fine lines of the shadow and had added darker shades of brown, red, and beige to make a distinction between her hair, skin, and clothing. He had even added shadows and highlighting. The silhouette of the daughter was in a lighter palette; he still used beige and whites, but mixed in hints of pink and purple. The tree had been illuminated by various petal shades and a white light emanating through the branches. It filtered light upon the subjects, drawing your attention to them. Yet, even with all of the distinctive colors, the painting had enough  _ distance _ and an intentional lack of detail. The girls in the painting could be  _ anyone _ , and it could be her and Sarada too.

He had done something she didn’t know how to do. He achieved movement. Emotion. Depth.

And he’d done it with a mix of colors, he’d blended away the fine lines, he’d made the strokes visible, he’d left streaks of paint as a texture rather than smoothing it out.

It was not the clean look that Sakura was accustomed to aiming for as she had always been one to color within the lines and not out of them. In her mind, if she tried something like that, it’d be chaos on a canvas. But when  _ Sai _ did it, the disorder  _ worked _ .

There was affection on that canvas. 

“How did you…” Sakura began in wonder. The characters he painted were not Sakura and Sarada, but their Uchiha colors were there represented somehow.

“You’re too fixated on your lines,” he said, not looking away from the work he was doing. It seemed he wasn’t quite done adding strokes of highlighting. “Your approach is technique-based and simply about looking  _ clean _ . You’re trying to follow conventional rules.”

“What do you mean?” she asked almost baffled. Since when had technique and cleanliness become a bad thing? 

“Painting isn’t medical ninjutsu, Sakura. Breaking the rules won’t lead to something dire. The canvas isn’t a coloring book, nor is it a camera to take a simple snapshot.”

With that response, Sai used the end of his brush to point at Sakura’s painting of the bed. 

“That’s a snapshot,” he concluded. “You have technical lines and you’re blending your colors appropriately, but as it is, you may as well be using colored pencils.”

Sakura felt the vein in her head re-emerge. Sai really was criticizing her this time. She wasn’t imagining it after all. She heard Kakashi’s spoon clink against his bowl and a repressed snort come from his direction.

She shot a fiery look in Kakashi’s direction and his attention swiftly hit the ceiling, pretending as if he had not been paying them any mind while he ate.

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it won’t be enough to get the attention of the administration,” Sai continued beside her. Sakura reverted her attention back to him, attempting to calm herself in her irritation.

“Then what do I have to do?” she asked, shielding her voice and making herself sound calm.

“Put your emotion into it.”

Sakura looked at him dully. “What does that mean?”

“Paint how you feel.”

She closed her eyes and exhaled because she didn’t know how to answer him.  _ His _ answer told her nothing. 

_ Okay _ , she thought.  _ I feel irritated right now… how do I paint irritation onto a bed? _

She was asking herself this question sarcastically, because inwardly she thought that the idea was silliness. A bed was a bed, and it was a clean, made-up bed at that.

“How do you feel?” Sai asked her, cocking a head to the side as he watched her keep her eyes closed and totally oblivious to the obvious signs of brewing anger.

“Frustrated.” She could no longer conceal it in her tone. For a moment, Sakura imagined painting Sai sitting cross-legged on the bed with his pseudo smile.  _ That _ would be a true reflection of her irritation.

“Paint it,” he instructed.

Sakura swore her paintbrush would crack. For some reason, the pressure of Sai’s scrutiny, his blunt nature, his criticism,  _ and _ what felt like a personal attack on the fundamental core of being a medical shinobi seemed to overwhelm her. What was so wrong with precision and being clean?

“How?” she whined, tone far too rash for her liking.

Sai stared at her simply unaffected. “Stop thinking about the rules.”

Sakura thought she felt a snap within her. She was irked beyond belief not only by Sai’s approach, but by herself. She didn’t understand what he  _ meant _ by that, and she was frustrated because it felt like Sai just expected her to know what it meant to paint feelings, like it was something that should come naturally to her.

Sakura was intelligent. She’d always been able to figure things out… but this time, someone was telling her to break the idea of following rules, an idea that she’d known and succeeded by. And she didn’t like it.

“Gaaaahhh!” she blared, hastily picking up her brush, smashing it into the black paint pot and smearing it all over the center of the bed. She felt her face grow warm and her eyebrows scrunch hard as she trashed her canvas with dark colors. She heard the chair creak beneath her with every sudden movement. Then, without even dipping her brush into the water, she picked up a clump of red paint and smeared it across the center in a horizontal fashion and slammed her brush onto the table, causing the paint pots to rattle on from the contact.

“There!” she exclaimed. “Emotion!”

With her head tilted down, and what seemed like steam pouring out of her ears, she glanced up at Kakashi from beneath her wrinkled brows, only to see a concerned Kakashi with raised ones, his spoon hovering in his hand just inches away from his mouth.

Sai didn’t budge nor did his expression change. This man was an emotional tank yet  _ he _ was telling  _ her _ to feel something.

Sakura briefly wondered a fight looked like between Sai and Ino. She couldn’t imagine it. 

“Better,” he commended. 

_ Was he mocking her? _

“That’s actually much closer to what I wanted from you. It’s a start.”

Sakura’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief. She looked at her painting, taking in the smashed spiral of blackness that seemed to consume the bed and a blotchy red slash that ran across it.

She couldn’t help but groan audibly. “Sai, I really don’t get it…”

“You like this painting, don’t you?” he asked, referring to the recreation of her mother-daughter piece. She was confused by his sudden change of topic, but she followed along anyway.

“Yeah, I do… I didn’t even know you could paint anything besides traditional work.”

“Well, traditional work is ideal for my Super Beast Scroll and much more effective for ink conservation. I won’t lie and say that it isn’t my preferred style of art either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have experience in other styles.”

“Oh,” was all she could muster in response.  _ Of course _ , she thought.  _ His specialty is art jutsu after all. _

“I picked this piece to work on because I could see some of your emotions in it,” Sai continued softly, placing both hands on his knees as he spoke directly to Sakura. He was not one to avoid eye contact. “You miss spending time with Sarada. You’ll notice that I did not give the mother and daughter pink and black hair because they were  _ inspired _ by you, but they aren’t you. Good works of art allow the viewer to learn about the artist, but it should also give them an opportunity to learn about themselves. When I worked on this painting, I was able to relate your feelings to my fatherhood. I thought about Inojin and I, and more importantly, Inojin together with Ino. I had warm memories of spring picnics by the lake, and Ino holding him on her lap as they ate. And I put that memory into the colors of this painting. I wanted to bring that memory to life.”

Sakura blinked twice as she stared at Sai. She didn’t want to think that so much emotion was uncharacteristic of him, but it certainly was the most he’d expressed since he’d arrived… and it was a beautiful one. Even her heart warmed at the thought of her best friend nurturing their son. 

With the interruption of Kakashi placing his bowl in the sink and running water, she looked back at the painting, taking in Sai’s strokes and colors. She  _ sort of _ understood and didn’t at the same time. It was as if the concept was registering in her mind, but the process of doing so was not. Or was she thinking too formulaic again?

“That painting,” Sai called out, turning his attention to the painting of Sakura on the wall. Her attention followed his. “The emotions in it are so vivid… That’s what I’m looking for. You look beautiful, and you look like you’re in love.”

Sakura’s cheeks instantly flared and she felt her heart leap out of her chest in absolute panic. 

First of all, the last time he heard Sai compliment a woman was when he told Ino she was a pretty lady shortly after telling Sakura she was ugly. She’d never really forgotten it.

But the more pressing reaction was that he’d noticed her expression in the painting. 

“Who painted it? Where did the artist get that image of you? Were you modeling?”

Sakura began to chuckle nervously.

“Our target painted that picture for Sakura,” Kakashi threw in from the kitchen sink, washing the pot and dishes as he spoke. “It was a gift for her when they started painting together outside of class.”

A look of relief washed over Sakura and she felt like she could breathe again. Sai was looking at her, and then at Kakashi. “I see. She’s a great artist.”

“Listen,” Sakura interrupted, desperate to change the subject. “I get what you are saying about putting emotion into the work, but I just don’t understand how. How would  _ you _ channel irritation when you’re painting a bed?”

“I wouldn’t,” he replied with his ungenuine smile. “I’d paint something else.”

Sakura felt her eyebrow twitch and the pulse of her forehead vein return. “What?” she warned, almost threatening him to say the wrong thing.

Sai looked straight at her with a neutral expression as he spoke, “I said to choose your subject, but I didn’t tell you to paint a bed, or anything in this room for that matter.”

This time, Sakura really did break her paintbrush in half. Kakashi laughed audibly from the sink.

* * *

 

When Sai finally departed from the apartment from the balcony, Sakura let out a long breath.

Sai had offered to help with rotations for a while before returning to Konoha, and Sakura had found herself quickly dismissing the necessity of it, nervously reminding him that nothing had been happening anyway. At least, she was pretending that was the reason… though the real reason was that she was afraid he’d pry a little more than she’d like into the act between her and Kakashi. And truthfully, if he’d been around more, she and Kakashi would have to think about the eyes of another person and she wasn’t comfortable with that idea.

She wondered if Kakashi caught on, because he too chimed in and mentioned that he’d let Sai know as soon as they felt additional eyes were necessary. Besides, he’d mentioned to Sai, they had the ninken for this. Sai had looked at them both silently for a moment and then accepted Kakashi’s notion.

She briefly considered the extent of her secrecy as she watched Kakashi and Sai interact. How far would she allow this secret between her and Kakashi to grow? When did she completely submit to the idea that this  _ thing _ between her and Kakashi was actually happening?

When Sai finally departed from the apartment from the balcony, Sakura let out a long breath. They were finally alone.

“Relieved?” Kakashi asked with a smirk, leaning against the counter before sipping tea from his mug.

“Am I the only one who felt like that was an interrogation?” she asked, briefly throwing her hands up and sheepishly approaching him with crossed arms.

“He hardly asked any questions,” Kakashi chuckled, putting his cup down on the counter behind him as Sakura stood very closely in front of him. He leaned back on the tiled counter further, putting all of his weight on his elbows. “But I could feel your nervousness… it was so thick, you could cut it with a kunai.”

That responses sounded familiar. Sakura smiled mischievously in front of him as his body leaned away from hers. Her body automatically reached for him, her hips making contact with his legs before her hands slid around his waist to meet at his back and sit on the counter, her hands holding on and clasped to together.

“I’m glad my suffering brings you enjoyment,” she said quietly, teasingly. Her tone had been so different from the last time she had spoken those words in Konoha. Even the embrace they shared this time was different… “You can’t blame me for not wanting to reveal anything to Sai.”

Kakashi’s lips curved at the side to show amusement, his eyes low and set on hers. “Reveal what?” he asked, feigning ignorance on the matter. 

Sakura snapped her head to the side, pretending to reject his teasing as her body displayed the opposite. “You know what I mean!” 

With each passing section, it seemed like her body was rolling onto him like a sticker, inch-by-inch, until her breasts were resting on his chest. 

They were crossing the line again, and she knew it. They’d crossed it three times before and they’d cross it again tonight. She felt it in the air.

Kakashi seemed to make it a point to keep his elbows on the counter, avoiding touching her with his hands. “I don’t think I do, Sakura-chan. Maybe I’m experiencing a lapse of memory.”

“Lies,” she huffed, unable to contain the coquettish smile playing on her lips. “You know very well and that smirk on your face says it all!” She swiftly uncoiled her fingers laced behind him and moved an arm to softly smack his chest. Her hand remained there, playing with the woven fabric of his sweater.

“Ah,” he laughed, leaning forward so that he no longer needed to support himself on his shoulders. He raised his hands in defeat. “You got me.”

And then he moved forward to  _ finally _ return her touch, wrapping his stronger, muscular arms around the small of her back. Sakura loved his strong grip on her.

“But can you blame me for wanting to hear you say it?” he teased in her ear. His silver hair was tickling her forehead.

_ Say what, exactly? _

Sakura hardly had a second before the word  _ affair _ to register in her mind. They were having an affair. The word had put her off for a moment, yet before she could ruminate on categorizing their relationship, Kakashi’s arms had swiveled the two of them in their positions. Suddenly, Sakura was leaning against the kitchen counter, and Kakashi had her boxed between his arms as her stared sweetly down at her. That sexy smirk and hooded glance had never left his face.

“I love seeing you like this,” Kakashi spoke deeply. His voice was rich and dark, sending a shiver down her spine and sparking warmth between her legs.

“Like what?” she asked coyly, a blush spreading across her cheeks, and an instinctive squirm of her shoulders from his dominating demeanor.

Kakashi’s smirk slowly turned into a grin as he drew his face closer to hers. Sakura felt her breath catch and the warmth in her legs spread as his lips came just beside her mouth. His eyes locked onto her lips and never looked away.

He gave her a peck on the right side of her lips.

“Playful.”

A peck on her chin.

“Angry.”

A peck on the left of her lips.

_ Fucking hell, _ she thought as she burned from the inside out. A twitch. She felt him hardening against her leg.

“Confident.”

An ever so light peck on her bottom lip.

“And then suddenly so bashful in my arms.”

He bit her lip. She almost let out a small whimpering sound.

_ He was so sexy _ , she thought, knowing that her panties would be a mess in a second.

“Happy.” 

He finally looked up and smiled softly, the look of heat morphing into affection for a moment before he kissed her, hard, with the same heat she thought he’d dismissed with smile.

She was melting under his touch, his lips, his words, his buttery voice.

The words “happy” and “bashful” were flipping over and over again in her mind with each glide of their lips. His hand slid down her hips, then up and down her thighs as he kissed her. She heard him inhaling sharply as they kissed.

He probably could smell her arousal. And she figured this because he had pressed himself onto her before darting his tongue into her mouth. She involuntarily moaned in response.

Kakashi broke away, pressed his forehead against hers as he picked her up and put her onto the counter. He smiled as his hands continued to massage her thighs and he nipped at her lips with his teeth.

“Come on,” he growled lowly, playfully, smiling on her lips as he urged her to kiss him. “Put your emotion into it.”

_ Oh hell no. _

She knew Kakashi was doing this on purpose. He was mocking her session with Sai and it triggered a playful irritation in her. 

Sakura let out a laugh before pressing her lips on his and immediately sliding her tongue between them. 

Right then and there, Sakura agreed to play Kakashi’s little game. Bashful would be put aside; besides, he said he liked confident. 

“Like this?” she rasped on his lips, inhaling before shoving herself onto him again.

“Mm-mm…” he broke away, chuckling. “Not enough.”

In response, Sakura laced her fingers into his hair, pushing against his head  _ just enough _ so that he couldn’t pull his head away again. She’d control this kiss from here on out. She’d control all of it. He let her, and the persistent erection pressing against her core made her feel like a such a siren… and she wasn’t used to this identity.

She kissed him passionately, their tongues swiping like brushes on canvas, painting stories with their lips. With every stroke of his kiss, she felt his heart moving through her and sinking into her soul.

And although she  _ knew _ this was wrong, although she finally understood that this was an affair, his body was electric and it was sending energy through her body in ways she didn’t know she could ever feel for another man. She knew that she was letting this affair get out of hand, but there was fire on Kakashi’s lips and love in his eyes. 

Sasuke had never set her on fire like this. He had never even approached her like this… never teased her… never made her feel like he couldn’t resist her… 

And at the moment, she didn’t even want to think about him. Repercussions didn’t exist.

As she kissed Kakashi, she felt as though there wasn’t  _ enough _ of him. She needed all of him, and she knew, without a doubt, that she’d  _ get _ all of him if she wanted it. 

In fact, she had decided that it  _ would _ happen… but not today. 

Kakashi was lace-trimmed danger in her fingertips, and she selfishly wanted continue fiddling with it in her hands, to revel in the risky desire for him. 

She wanted to savor the feeling of being submerged in passion for another person, and she wanted to relish in the knowledge that the subject of her passion was sinking down in his passion for her too. 

She wanted to allow herself to drift in a love she couldn’t control… a love that seemed to be unspoken yet was, for once, working her favor.

And as much as she wanted him at this moment, she’d draw this feeling out for as long as she could.

“Mmmm…” she moaned into his mouth as she ran her hands powerfully down his back, settling on the base of his hips. Then she broke away and trailed kisses up his stubbled jaw to reach his ear.

“Kakashi,” she whispered provocatively. She had unknowingly allowed him access to her neck by moving her head. He bit down on her skin as he grasped almost desperately onto her thighs. “Ahhh…”

He was making it hard for her to pull away, yet she was adamant on not relinquishing her control of the situation.

“Yes, Sakura?” he asked hoarsely before sucking harshly on her neck. He gave her a few nips of his teeth, just the way she liked it.

She tried to focus as Kakashi attempted to distract her with the sensation of his warm mouth against her neck. She wanted him. She knew she’d give in eventually… and if she wanted to prolong the desire… may she could just….

“Kakashi,” she moaned again with a new resolve, breath staggering as he bit on cue. “I want you.”

She felt Kakashi’s body stiffen in her arms and in between her legs.

Kakashi moved released her skin from his lips and hovered there for a moment, clearly processing her words as the tip of his lips grazed over her. And then he slowly moved his head back so that he could look Sakura dead in the eye.

And when she saw him, she’d never seen a man with a sexier expression… His lips were parted slightly; and through the opening he seemed like he could breathe fire from the raging inferno she  _ knew _ was plaguing his body at this very moment. His eyes were set low, but they were ablaze with pure lust… there was no warm affection whatsoever. The only thing she could see was the gaze of a man who wanted to fuck her mindless.

She felt herself shrink pleasurably from his gaze, eliciting a whimper from just his gaze alone. 

“Do you?” he whispered hotly with a tiny smirk curling at the edge of his mouth. He released her thighs and boxed her into the counter again. This time, however, he placed his hand against the wall behind her head as he slowly got closer.

She bit her lip as she stared into his commanding eyes… but the control was supposed to be hers, and she was losing it.

Regaining some of her senses, she leaned forward and forced a smirk, even though her body was desperately begging for her to give in. Kakashi instantly latched himself back onto her neck but a carnal force.

“I do,” she managed to sigh in his ear, sliding her hands up his muscular back, over the apex of his protruding shoulder blade, and curling her fingers over the hard traps beside his neck. She gripped tightly and firmly pulled him away slightly to look at her.

The same consumed charcoal eyes looked back at her with insatiable hunger. 

“But I want you to want me until you can’t take it anymore.”

Her voice was confident and spilled out like honey. Sakura dropped her chin and peered up at him with sultry eyes, licking the bottom of her lips before biting the edge. She was proud of herself for not wavering; she had never said anything quite like this to  _ any _ man before.

For a moment, Kakashi seemed surprised, amused by the forward nature of her words. Perhaps he never expected her to say something like this. Sakura never imagined she would be saying it either.

Kakashi parted mouth transformed into a devilish grin; his eyebrows furrowed yet the teasing demeanor was not replaced by frustration. Instead, he gave her the look of a man accepting a challenge.

Arm still caging her in, Kakashi lowered himself to her face before replying with what seemed to be a warning: “If that’s how you want to play…”

And then he kissed her gently; the passion strung throughout their previous kisses was absent, but for some reason, it still felt like lava.

Suddenly, he dropped his arm and firmly grasped both of her hips before sliding her forward so that she was flush against his erection. She gasped at the contact.

“I want you right now,” he spoke richly into her ear, likely taunted by Sakura’s attempt at dirty talk. “I want to see you turn bashful again, just like are you are right now as I say this. I want to see you whimper under me as I slide deep inside you.”

And then he bit the lobe of her ear. She loved that mouth  _ and _ those teeth.

But her dirty words had nothing on his. She couldn’t help but let a shudder as her moan turned into ragged mewl.

“Yes,” he murmured. “Just like that.”

And just like that, Sakura knew she had lost whatever control she thought she had over the situation.

_ Don’t play with fire unless you want to get burned. _

His warning on the couch those many weeks ago seemed like a distant memory, yet it resurfaced in an instant.

_ And we both know you don’t want that… _

Oh, but she did. She wanted it badly, right now.

Yet Kakashi peeled himself off of her body, offering her the smirk of a man who knew how to tame himself in moments of bewildering desire.

“I can play your game for a little longer,” he promised slyly, sliding his hands off of her thighs and creating distance between them.

She almost wanted to slap herself. Peering down, she could see the straining bulge through his pants. His eyes followed her gaze and he let out a throaty chuckle as he closed the distance to kiss her forehead.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Kakashi said smoothly. “I’ve got some things to take care of.”

And then he walked briskly to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

_ Oh god _ , she knew exactly what he was going to do behind that door… because just like she had on the couch many nights ago, she was going to do the exact same thing.

Right here on the counter.

As her fingers slithered into her slick panties, she told herself that she was a fucking idiot, but the truth was that  _ she knew _ that she was going to enjoy this familiar little game.

“Kakashi,” she whimpered, not caring if he could hear her this time, swirling her fingers passionately towards ecstacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Mwahahahah feel the burn!!!! 
> 
> Also, I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to justify infidelity or encourage it. She IS cheating on Sasuke and no, just because I’m writing this does NOT mean I’m not saying that it’s okay for her to do that. Sakura is flawed, just like Sasuke, and that will be developed a lot more in the coming chapters. She is making a lot of bad choices. All three of them are. I just find this to be a realistic approach to someone who is in an empty marriage--I think it hurts too much for her to think clearly and do what everyone knows is the right thing to do. Kakashi, who clearly is falling in love with her, is probably struggling internally, yet is giving in because feelings are assholes. We’d all like to think that we are saints and would do things in a morally right way, but I think that people who are actually IN those situations never see things quite so simply.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading!~ Until next time!


	26. Masked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to lulu42 for supporting me through this chapter!

**** It was now the beginning of the week, and Sakura had just left for her class. Right before she left, as per the usual since this mission really began, she had come to caress his face and cover his scar with concealer. 

What  _ wasn’t  _ part of the routine, and was just recently introduced, were the daily pecks that signaled her departure.

And here Kakashi stood, peering at himself in the bathroom mirror, leaning over the sink, taking in his image through dark eyes, realizing that he wasn’t sure if he  _ recognized _ himself… externally and internally.

As he ran a thumb over his freshly-shaven skin, he observed his features. He admitted to himself that he was certainly attractive; he had not aged as ungracefully as Iruka or Anko had, yet his skin was losing the elasticity of his youth. His pointed jaw had squared over the years, and it seemed that his eyes were much more deep-set than they had been 20 years ago. His scar was hidden, he was getting increasingly comfortable without his mask, his neck was exposed, his hair was getting longer and was easier to part and keep styled and parted. 

But despite the physical changes in his character, the most obvious change was in his  _ person _ . 

This was not to say that Kakashi felt he was fundamentally changing as a person, but his normal behaviors and mannerisms were shifting. His general sluggishness was absent in Sakura’s presence, perhaps his eyes were a little more open and attentive for her. She would come home with a smile, and he couldn’t help but return the expression. He found himself truthfully  _ yearning  _ for their interactions--he  _ missed _ her every day and looked forward to seeing her at home.

And most importantly, he recognized that his ironclad will and previously acclaimed genius was rendered ultimately  _ defenseless _ around Sakura. Kakashi was utterly confused; he was turning into putty in her hands. 

He wondered if Sakura had been aware of her effect on him, or if she was even aware of herself. One day she was crying and distancing herself from him. The next day, she would be baring her soul on his lap, kissing him sweetly and implying they’d move slowly in their relationship--or whatever this was. And then the next day, she was playful, happy, and sexually forward.

Or was it him? When Sakura made her statement--that they’d move at her pace--he’d made the decision that he would allow her to take the lead. He would follow her cues, not make them; yet the moment she leaned her body over his, the moment she had the  _ look _ in her eyes, signaled-- even  _ promised _ \--something he knew he couldn’t resist. 

Even if he  _ knew _ he should stop, his body would disobey his logic. Her teasing smile and the taunting tone to her voice almost seemed like an invitation, and his body foolishly accepted it. He told himself that all he really wanted was a kiss, and maybe for a moment it was true, yet the second their lips made contact, it wasn’t enough.

And just like every other time that they’d started something even remotely flirtatious, they’d almost crossed  _ every _ line imaginable. In fact, it was arguable that even though Kakashi hadn’t yet slept with Sakura, every line had already been crossed. They’d both essentially promised each other that the day  _ would _ come, and at this point, he couldn’t trust his body to withstand it.

With hands gripping tightly onto the cool porcelain sink, Kakashi sighed heavily and looked away from the mirror, head swaying down, and then to the left where the edge of the tub was located.

It was right there where his eye fell--he had clutched the edge of the bathtub stroking himself after Sakura’s declaration that she wanted him. It was right there that he induced an orgasm while imagining the scenario he had described to her not even moments before that.

Kakashi closed his eyes and couldn’t help but grit his teeth a little. Kakashi was a 46 year old man… losing himself to something as silly as  _ love _ .

And the strangest part about all of this was that after that encounter, even after they had openly masturbated to each other in separate rooms, they had returned to the bed, smiling, almost purring as they cuddled. It was as if nothing had just happened between them. It was as if they were a couple that had been doing this for ages. It was as if there was nothing abnormal about it.

He desperately wanted to understand the volatility of this relationship. Was she doing all of this because she felt something for Kakashi? Because she felt comfortable enough with him to explore new things? He figured that should be a compliment…

But the dismissal in her approach to this affair, the speed in which she went from being upset to total acceptance was jarring.

And although he tried to fight it, doubt festered in his mind. 

In the midst of their passion, he had taunted her with the prospect of playing her game. At the time, he hadn’t thought much more of it than a sexual escapade. Now, however, he wondered if the game pervaded more than just sexual tension.

Instead, he wondered if everything about this mission and their relationship were simply part of a fantasy world to her… 

And if it were, what did that mean for Kakashi? 

Kakashi felt a physical tightness knotting in his chest at the idea of Sakura’s feelings being insincere. The idea that Sakura didn’t really feel anything for him, just the idea of being in her ideal relationship.

As he gripped the sink a little tighter, he heard his skin audibly pulling as he tightened his fist. Kakashi raised his head to face the mirror and receive his reflection. In it, he saw his bare, scarless face--yet the internal scars were screaming louder than anything he could physically see.

Behind his aging face, the seemingly stoic expression, the once-famous-and-now-black eyes, the slightly furrowed eyebrows, the tightly pulled lip, was the visage of a man who once felt that he never deserved love. It was the broken mask of a man who had never allowed himself to feel something like this in order to protect himself from further pain. It was the expression of worry from a man who let himself experience something he had been denying himself from, and was now afraid that it would be taken away.

With a great sigh, Kakashi pushed himself away from the sink and turned to swipe the work uniform he had hung on the towel rack. He pulled the black butcher shirt over his over his head, then ran his fingers through his messy silver hair to smooth it. 

Pain would come for him again, wouldn’t it? He’d gone too far into the game to protect himself this time.

He couldn’t help but feel that Sakura didn’t love him. Not the way that she thought, at least.

* * *

 

“Yuriiiii-san!” Itsuki called out melodically as he rose from his work station to rush to Sayuri’s side. 

“Let’s be partners,” he requested enthusiastically. His eyes were closed in a smile and his grin was wide and welcoming. His red fuzzy hair bounced as he energetically hopped over and leaned on her work table.

Sayuri smiled warmly and nodded, her long lilac hair braided neatly and swung over the shoulder.

As Sakura watched them interact, she couldn’t help but giggle at the duo’s strange dynamic. They seemed close; despite Itsuki’s loud thrashing, Sakura could feel Sayuri’s happiness in pleasing her friend, even if she her only expression of that happiness came in the form of faint murmuring.

“Well, I guess that leaves us, doesn’t it?” Yuuto’s cool and soothing voice said from her left. He sat on his stool with a leg resting over his knee and crossed arms. His chestnut wavy hair was parted just enough to reveal his vibrant blue eyes.

Sakura turned to him with a conceding chuckle, “Yeah, I guess it does.” She stood up then, and picked up her things to relocate to Yuuto’s workstation, dragging her stool behind her as she moved. “Not that I mind.”

Once each pair had settled in beside their partners and the canvases were in front of their table, Imada-sensei clapped her hands together and offered a contented look. “Okay,” she began. “Remember, the goal here is to compliment each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Ideally, by working with someone else, you can consider which parts of your partner’s style that you might like adapt to your own, or at the very least, improve on that weakness through the guidance of someone else. You may choose your own subject, but I’d like to see you collaborating.”

She paused and looked at her four pupils with an expectant awareness, waiting for potential questions that never came.

“Begin.”

Yuuto leaned forward on the wooden workspace, propping himself onto his elbow as his chin rested on his palm.

"So," he asked, continuing to display his very characteristic sense of nonchalance. "What are you interested in painting?"

Sakura's hands were tucked between her legs as she clasped her thighs together. Her feet began to rattle on the bar of her stool, fidgeting as she hummed beside him.

"Mmm... I'm not sure." Her eyes wandered to the ceiling as she thought. As she considered possibilities, the only thing that flashed through her mind were people. Sarada. Kakashi. Sasuke. Naruto. Kakashi. Sarada. And as she fidgeted, uncomfortable with her inability to think of something she  _ felt _ like painting, or at least, something that she could paint without suspicion or giving away her identity--she noticed Yuuto's unmoving figure from her peripheral vision.

"You're not really much of an artist are you?" he asked almost dismissively.

Sakura's head snapped forward with wide eyes. Her defenses were immediately in place.

_ How rude _ , she thought inwardly, then realizing that perhaps she wasn't good enough at painting to fool anyone.  Maybe he could sense that she wasn't among them. Or maybe he was just a jerk. But she couldn't risk it.

With eyebrows furrowed, Sakura countered his question with feigned confidence: "Well, I've always wanted to learn. Isn't that what this school is for?"

"Quite an expensive hobby to start learning," he added, finally tilting his head away from hers to face the canvas in front of him.

If he could be rude, then perhaps she didn't have to try being too cordial about his comments.

"I'm already insecure about it," she quipped, attempting to make him feel as though he wounded her confidence. "Way to add salt to an open wound. I know I'm not very good."

He shrugged, completely unaffected by her attempt as appealing to his emotion, attention shooting in the direction of Itsuki, who was thrashing enthusiastically about painting a family at a dinner table.

Itsuki liked to paint inanimate objects, particularly related to food. Sayuri was good at facial expressions.

"What do you feel like you're good at?" Yuuto asked, still looking elsewhere and resting lazily on his palm.

"I don't know," Sakura replied truthfully. She supposed that if he wouldn't respond to emotional appeals, there was no use in pretending like she was good at this. "I guess I have to find my style."

With his free hand, Yuuto raised an arm to comb through his wavy hair, ruffling it to ensure it wasn't sitting flat above his head.

"Well, if you don't have a particular preference, then I'd like to suggest a darker piece."

He finally gave her a side-glance, waiting for an approval on the matter.

"Explain," she suggested. "What are you thinking?"

Yuuto picked up a paint brush and began to tap the end of it on the wooden table.

"Well, that's just my style. I don't really like rainbows and hearts."

And then he tilted his head, as if he were waiting to read her response.

"Besides, you seem like you've been brooding about something lately."

Sakura's head jerked back in surprise.  _ Have I been making it obvious?  _ She wondered about the change in her demeanor. She had always considered herself to be a passionate angry type--never really the kind of woman to hold in her feelings.

She supposed it made sense after all. Sakura probably wore her emotions on her sleeve.

"Oh," she replied in surprise. "I didn't realize."

She removed her hands from the space between her thighs and slid both hands down to rest on her knees. "Well, I don't have any objections. I'm willing to try anything, I guess."

"Good," he responded. His reply was a little more energetic and powerful than she was used to hearing from him. "If you haven't been able to tell, I'm more of an abstract artist. I don't really like lines. I like things to blend, especially dark colors. You, on the other hand, seem to be pretty straight forward."

Sakura sighed inwardly. She was starting to feel like this was another session with Sai and she wasn't sure if he was intentionally trying to insult her.

"You are pretty technical, to be honest. You  _ like _ lines. And you always have a clear subject."

Yes. Quite like Sai after all. She squirmed in her seat.

Yuuto smirked before giving a short chuckle. "Relax, I didn't say that was a bad thing. I'm just listing out our preferences."

She felt a blush of embarrassment tint her cheeks.

"Name an emotion," he commanded somewhat passively.

"Love."

"Too emotional. I don't like rainbows and hearts."

"Loneliness."

"Better."

Yet following his approval came a raise of an eyebrow and a further tilt of his head. She felt like he was reading her, and she wondered if this was just some inherent skill of an artist. Sayuri could do it, and she was wondering if he was attempting to do the same.

"Loneliness," Yuuto parroted, the paint brush still strumming against the table as he thought aloud. "Okay, so we'll have a solitary focal point... What's something you dislike?"

Sakura thought about this for a moment. The first thing that came to mind as a response was loneliness itself, but that wouldn't do. Sakura's eye wandered out the window to take in the sight of barren winter trees and gray winter skies. Her mind wandered to the image of the next season. Spring.

"Flowers," she responded suddenly, still staring at the trees outside of the window.

Yuuto looked surprised. "Really? I've never really met a woman who disliked flowers."

"It's not that," she said as she returned her attention to Yuuto. "I don't actually hate them, but I'm always associated with them. My hair.”

She didn't quite enjoy the flowery pet names that came with her hair color or the name Sakura. She didn't know how many times in her life that someone in thought it was clever to draw Sakura trees and flowers on her papers, or had in some way incorporated it into any gifts.

“I can work with that,” he said, weighing their options. “How about this, you’ll be in charge of the line work. I’ll oversee it and I’ll be in charge of the color.”

This made sense after all. She was apparently fixated on her lines anyway.

“Okay,” she agreed, scooting closer and reaching out to pull the canvas in front of her.

* * *

 

"Irasshaimase!" Kakashi greeted cordially yet relatively impassive, turning towards the sound of bell ringing above the disturbed doorway.

Kakashi was wiping his hands with a fresh damp cloth to remove any of the residual blood from cleaning the counters. He smiled in the direction of the visiting customer.

“Good morning, Akiyama-san,” greeted the older woman.

“Hello, Tokugawa-san,” replied Kakashi. She was a regular who loved to pick up meat to feed her grandchildren. “Please, call me Takashi. No need for formality.”

“Ah, you can’t change an old woman’s ways, Akiyama-san. That Zenhichi have you working alone this morning?” she asked, waving off his suggestion with her hand and pairing it with a warm smile. Kakashi had found it was very characteristic of her to ask about his wellbeing. She was quite the matronly elder.

“Yes, Zenhichi-san prepared all of the cuts this morning and has left to pick up some supplies for the store.”

And that was all the better; despite Kakashi’s pleasant demeanor towards customers, he was distracted and his mind had been wandering all morning.

“Well,” Tokugawa chuckled. “I’m sure the shop is in good hands. You’ve never done much to show otherwise! But are you resting well, son? You do look a little tired is all."

“Ahh…” Kakashi hummed dismissively.  _ Was it that obvious that he was upset by something? _ “Well, Haruna and I have got to pay the bills somehow, don’t we?”

“That’s all very well. You’re a good husband, supporting the two of you to go to that school.” Her smile grew and her eyes closed. “It’s a good school. Although, I’ll be sad to see you go, I know that many have left Takumi Village to be successful. It’ll be worth it.”

“I hope so,” Kakashi replied softly, indicating a gratefulness in his tone. “What can I prepare for you today?”

“The boys are craving chicken,” Tokugawa chuckled. “Can’t deny my growing boys their cravings! The bones will make them strong.”

“Got it.” Kakashi dropped the wet towel onto the hanger and made his way to the refrigerated display. He slipped on a new pair of gloves and grabbed a freshly plucked and beheaded chicken, swiftly wrapping it into wax paper before securing it into a bag for Tokugawa. Then he walked around the counter to offer it to her. 

“Here you are,” Kakashi greeted as Tokugawa accepted the purchase. Kakashi bowed slightly as the exchange was made.

“Thank you, Akiyama-san. Put it on my weekly bill. Give my thanks to Zenhichi as well, and you rest well tonight once you close up shop, you hear? And have that pretty wife of yours paint something up to decorate this grim shop!”

“Hai,” he called out, watching Tokugawa waddle away as the bell of the door jingled upon her exit.

The moment she had left, the pleasant expression he had been wearing on his face dropped. Customers served as a momentary distraction from his thoughts, but his mind would instantly be assaulted by the doubts that had been festering since morning.

Kakashi walked back behind the counter, pulling off his gloves and depositing them into a bin before leaning against the preparation area. All he could hear was the constant electrical hum of the refrigerated display; it was like white noise which offered no assistance in clearing his mind.

Instead, the memory of Sakura’s voice filled the silent void of his mind.

_ You were the first person to look at me in the eye and confront me with my own demons _ , she had said.  _ You brought me clarity when I couldn’t see it myself. _

Kakashi didn’t think it was possible for him to fulfill that role for her now. He was much too conflicted about their relationship himself; too much about their affair made little sense to him, violated so many principles he thought he upheld.

For the first time in a long time, Kakashi considered his own demons, the same demons he had released from his conscience since the fourth war. The demons of his childhood had clung to him even in early adulthood. Those past traumas had established a long-standing image of a Hatake Kakashi that the shinobi world had come to know, accept, and respect.

He was a solitary shinobi and he always had been. Once upon a time, solitude had been his preferred state of being; it was a form of protection. It was a way to prevent himself from experiencing more heart wrenching loss in his life. 

And although he had long moved on from the demons that once held him captive, he’d simply sustained the image of himself that had been created. It had been his image for so long that he’d just accepted it.

But it was  _ love _ that had allowed him to release those demons. The love of his comrades had pulled him out of the darkness, and Kakashi couldn’t help but wonder: what would have happened to him in not for those that loved him? For those whose bonds of friendship reached out and saved him from his emptiness?

Kakashi didn’t choose what happened to him, and he didn’t choose how to deal with it.

Love had saved him. But had they not have happened in that way… would he have ended up like Sasuke?

Gripping onto the edge of the counter, Kakashi stared absently into the glass of the display. For a moment, Kakashi saw his reflection illuminated by the glare of the sun, and he could have sworn he saw the phantom sight of the Sharingan overlaid in his eyes.

Sakura’s words registered in his memory once more:  _ Lost in the legacy of his name. _

Sasuke was a victim too. He didn’t ask to be born as an Uchiha. He didn’t ask to be the lone survivor. He didn’t ask for the attention, it just happened to him. And it destroyed his childhood and his adulthood in the same way that Kakashi’s  _ could _ have been destroyed.

And most importantly, Sasuke didn’t ask for  _ this _ … although it would not justify his behavior, Sasuke didn’t intentionally try to misunderstand Sakura’s needs. It occurred to Kakashi that Sasuke just couldn’t understand her because of his fucked up childhood. And he didn’t ask for his failure-of-a-sensei to steal his wife…

What was he doing snatching away one of the few people that  _ could have been _ Sasuke’s salvation? Sakura and Naruto had loved him unconditionally, and although Sasuke had returned—though perhaps more so metaphorically than physically—he had ultimately maintained his distance from those that loved and he loved in return.

Looking at his faint reflection, Kakashi realized he could understand Sasuke. Kakashi had been alone all this time; Kakashi had never attempted to love someone romantically because… it had never occurred to him before that he could. That simply wasn’t part of the role he’d been playing—it wasn’t part of that established image of Hatake Kakashi. He’d lived alone for so long, closed himself away from others for so long—how could anyone expect him to connect with someone in that way?

...and that applied to Sasuke too, didn’t it?

Sasuke was an uncontrolled entity driven by his loneliness. He was misguided, truly feeling that he had nothing in this world, set out to destroy anything that had caused him that pain. And even if there was a beautiful woman waiting to accept him with open arms, after a decade of searing sadness and isolation, could anyone truly expect him to seamlessly fit into the role of a conventional husband? 

Kakashi wondered if Sakura had considered this about her own husband. It was likely that she had not; Sakura had always been surrounded by companionship and people ready to receive her.

It occurred to him that maybe Sakura was in love with the idea of a proper husband. Maybe she’d always been in love with ideas.

After all, she’d held on to her love for Sasuke even after he’d been gone for years… even after he’d done so many horrible things. Thinking back at it, he wondered how someone could love someone who wasn’t there, someone who had clearly changed from the person she knew when she loved him. And even then, did Sakura truly even understand romantic love for Sasuke at 12 years old?

He convinced himself that it had to have been the idea of Sasuke—of who he could be—but not Sasuke himself.

He loved Sakura and Sasuke both. Dearly. But it was clear to him that the two of them, no matter what they’d tried, would be incompatible as husband and wife.

Yet it wasn’t his place to decide that for them.

But despite this fucked up situation, Kakashi knew he had fallen for Sakura. He understood that the right thing to do would be to end it—all of it—but that currently wasn’t a viable option. Cutting romantic ties with Sakura would severely impact the mission. It’d impact Sakura. And they had an indefinite amount of time to go before completing it.

For a moment, Kakashi imagined how Sakura would react if he tried to walk away. The thought of her twisted expression pained him. He didn’t want her to hurt more than she already had been… at least one person could be happy for now, even if it stemmed from denial. 

Kakashi had really fucked up. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. In recognizing Sakura’s denial, he also had to recognize the possibility that she was projecting her  _ idea _ of a proper husband onto  _ him _ . And that—perhaps—her sudden dismissal of the concept of an affair wasn’t because she was falling in love with Kakashi: instead, it was because he wasn’t Sasuke; because she could pretend that this was her fantasy marriage;  because she was getting everything from this fantasy that she wanted from Sasuke.

But she would  _ smile  _ and she would  _ laugh  _ and she would look so  _ free. _

Putty.  _ He was absolute putty _ .

The vision of her smile called to him.

In the midst of his conflicted emotions, Kakashi only felt that he wanted to give her what Sasuke couldn’t—and while Sasuke could have sex with her, he couldn’t fulfill her emotionally. Kakashi would do that and had been doing that instead. And she would smile like she never had with Sasuke.

Maybe he could use a good dose of denial himself… He’d seen it time and time again in his profession: Smart men had often used denial as a tool if it allowed them to do the very thing that intelligence would deny them. 

Sighing again, and reaching for the cleaning rag, Kakashi knew that he understood too much, yet again and again, he also understood that he didn’t have the resolve to stop himself. He would clean the counter for the fifth time that day, even if there had been no more blood or grime to scrub off.

In his mind, he heard the call of a very familiar mantra: those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum. 

He’d lived by that mantra for years; and wondered if pilfering the contents of a condemned comrade’s heart could be the same thing as leaving him out for dead. He couldn’t save him once, now he wanted to steal away the one woman who had the best chance of saving him instead.

As he scrubbed and worked the imaginary grime away, he inwardly apologized to Sasuke for his betrayal…

Not that it would mean anything anyway. His silent apology meant nothing if he couldn’t do anything about it.

* * *

 

Sakura was approximately two feet away from Yuuto, yet she couldn’t help but lean forward until she was hovering over his shoulder to see him work. He had been slathering the canvas with broad, seemingly sloppy strokes of a dark charcoal color.

It was the same kind of sloppy control that Sakura felt she’d never be able to master.

Yuuto was calm in his madness as he painted the edges the darkest color, blending lighter grays toward the center before reaching their focal point: a white Japanese Anemone.

When Sakura was sketching out the line work, she could almost feel a seething annoyance coming from Yuuto. She couldn’t quite figure out why until Yuuto impatiently stopped her from continuing a piece viewed at eye-level. He muttered again that she was not much of an artist and instructed her to try drawing things from an angle. 

Eventually, Sakura found small pleasure in irritating Yuuto. She didn’t know any better anyway, and so to combat his rudeness, she figured she may as well find enjoyment in what she could. And when she couldn’t produce line work at an angle from imagination, he gave a heaving sigh and left to find a small spouted vase to place in front of Sakura as a model.

That worked better. He had made her stand as she scribbled the lines of the vase; meanwhile, he had gone to collect a picture book of flowers for her, and had even gone to splatter the table with drops of water away from the vase. She hadn’t quite understood why, but he instructed her to include it in her sketch.

“You’re so technical,” he murmured begrudgingly as an image that he was  _ finally  _ pleased with formed on the canvas.

And once the image was done, Yuuto had taken over. The resulting scene was a clear glass vase filled with slightly murky old water to indicate the passage of time. Within the vase was a lone Japanese Anemone.

Yuuto had joked about choosing a pink anemone as the flower only grew in pink or white, knowing that the insistence would strike her annoyance. Sakura huffed and had demanded they choose white.

During the sketch phase, as Sakura began to draw out the stem from the opening of the vase, the two of them discussed how they could portray the feeling of loneliness from this one flower.

Sakura had the distinct feeling that he already knew the answer and had an image in his mind of what he wanted to do, but he seemed to be nice enough to guide her rather than to instruct her. He had begun to ask her questions in the way a teacher might lead a student.

Eventually, he had skillfully led her to conclude that the flower should be partially wilting, the base of the flower tilting slightly to the side with petals that were beginning to wilt. It had two earthen leaves sprouting from the stem. He had explained that the stray leaf on table and the water droplets moving away from the vase would portray a sense of loneliness.

"How?" Sakura had asked him.

"Just wait til I fill in the colors," he'd urged, his voice sounding a little more lively and excited than his typical brusqueness. "When I start painting, it'll change the mood. Just watch."

And here he was, swiping his paintbrush, transferring a mix of blended grays around the focal subject--Sakura noticed a gentle expression on his face.

Artists just had some quality about them. If there was any reason that an artist could tell that she  _ wasn't _ one of them, it was due to that expression.

An artist had a tenderness about their work that they gave to nothing else, and Sakura had seen it in both Sayuri and Yuuto.

Somehow, even though Yuuto had been swiping over Sakura's fine lines, his abstract strokes seemed to exude emotion. The white flower with it's golden inner ring and shadowy gray edges seemed to  _ glow _ against the contrast of the darkness surrounding it. But the glow seemed to emanate a hopelessness, like the dark was closing in, and the light would disappear forever.

"It feels so sad..." Sakura murmured, watching Yuuto's movement in awe.

"That's the point," he said delicately, his typical curtness still absent from his words.

He paused for a moment, stretching away from the canvas to get a wider look at his work. And then he shifted his glance to Sakura, whose eyebrows seemed to be raised in awe.

"Too sad for you?" he asked sarcastically.

"N-no..." Sakura muttered, looking away from Yuuto and back to the dark canvas.

"Here," he offered, handing her the painting palette with a glob of dark gray and a separate section of white. "White changes everything for the idealistic ones like you."

Sakura took the palette and looked up at Yuuto with a questioning glance.

"Take a little bit of that white and mix it with the dark gray. And just a little bit!"

Sakura did as she was told quietly, accepting his instructions.

"We're going to use it to radiate a little bit of white from the focal point. This is  _ our _ work, after all, not just mine... so I'll give in to a little bit of hope."

Sakura slowly approached the vase with the brush, focusing intently, her voice low in concentration: "How do I do this?"

"Swipe across and around the vase... yeah, just like that. Make sure you don't stroke downward. One fluid motion."

Sakura didn't want to disappoint him. And she didn't want to ruin the beautiful work that Yuuto had started. She held her breath as she concentrated.

"Good."

Now Sakura stopped, held the brush back and took a moment to notice the change.

Yuuto was right. A little bit of white changed everything. Now it seemed as though the moon was shining on it, like it was bathing in a light of silver.

Although it were the last flower, it seemed as though it was still beautiful enough for someone to appreciate it.

* * *

As the class session had ended, Yuuto had praised her for trying her best. He had promised to finish the rest and bring it back to class on Wednesday.

Admittedly, Sakura was excited to see how Yuuto would finish it, and she felt a little bit of pride for having  _ some _ part it in, even if Yuuto had made most of the major decisions.

Sakura tried to catch Sayuri on the way out, but instead, Itsuki held her attention and was grabbing her arm, shuffling her out as she looked behind her and lightly called out "Tomorrow!" in Sakura's direction.

As Sakura slung her school bag over her shoulder and made her way outside, she found Kakashi waiting on the courtyard bench, wrapped in a his dark gray winter coat, and his chin tightly hidden beneath the burnt orange scarf that Sakura had bought for him.

She couldn't help but smile and feel the butterflies take flight in her stomach as she approached him.

This feeling would never get old--having a man that she felt something for waiting for her as if she were a princess.

"Takashi," she called out lightly, watching the puff of her hot breath turn into smoke in the winter air.

"Haruna," he responded coolly. She could tell that he was smirking beneath the scarf.

"What are you doing here? I thought you had to go watch..." Sakura stopped herself from saying Sayuri's name out loud.

"I have the dogs out on our behalf," he said softly, reaching to displace the front of his scarf, revealing his gentle smirk. "I want to take somewhere."

Sakura couldn't help herself. She brought herself even nearer so that she could embrace him. She slid her arm around his fluffy coat and held him tightly.

Kakashi looked down at her sweetly with his eyes set low, his chin just above her forehead.

"That's quite unlike you," she teased softly. "You always been more of the mission-completion type."

"Maybe you've changed me," he responded, lowering his head just a little.

Sakura pushed herself up onto her tip-toes.

"I’ve missed you," she whispered, sliding a hand on the loose end of his scarf to pull his face down.

And then she gave him one small peck on the lips, smile never fading from her mouth.

"Why do you think I'm here?" he joked, taking her bag from her, swinging it over his shoulder, and then grasping her hand to lead her away.

* * *

“Mmm,” Sakura mewled happily as they exited the curtain-flaps of the udon shack.

“I thought you’d be pleased,” Kakashi said amusedly, watching Sakura pat her stomach in satisfaction. “How was class today?”

“I enjoyed it actually. Sensei had us partner up with someone and paint together. My partner taught me a lot.” 

Sakura’s eyes were closed in bliss, both from one of her favorite meals and in remembering the progress she made today.

“Sayuri?” 

“No, another classmate. His name is Yuuto.”

“Oh?” Kakashi asked with a raised eyebrow, reaching for her hand and lacing his fingers through hers. “Should I be concerned by the look of happiness on your face?”

“Oh hush,” she dismissed with a smirk, squeezing his palm in hers as he led the way. “Who was it that that I kissed after class again?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. I might need a reminder.”

Sakura giggled and lightly shoved his arm with her shoulder.

“Maybe later,” she promised, sticking her tongue out as she winked. “How was work today?”

Kakashi paused and stared silently. Sakura peered up at him. Kakashi’s expression hadn’t changed; he seemed relatively content. A few moments of quiet passed before he decided to respond.

“Uneventful.” He continued to look ahead as they walked.

“Have you gathered any new information from Zenhichi?”

“Not at all. Every time I try to talk about his son, he figures out a way to redirect the attention to you.”

“Me?” Sakura asked with surprise. 

Finally, Kakashi looked down to see her astonished face then leaned in to whisper playfully. “Zenhichi is heavily invested in our future offspring.”

Sakura instantly felt her cheeks flare as he pried his fingers from hers and slid his arm around her waist. She couldn’t help but imagine a tiny silver-haired child overlapped onto Kakashi’s face. And then she considered what they’d have to do to get one.

Kakashi laughed, and Sakura felt like he seemed to know what she was thinking.

Maybe she really did wear all of her emotions on her sleeve.

“And speaking of children,” he continued to whisper, tugging on her sweater to stop her from walking further. “We’ve got a request to fulfill.”

“Kaka--!” Sakura almost yelped. Kakashi’s hand was almost instantly smothering her mouth to stop her from exclaiming his name in public. Her hands flew up to remove his hand. As she turned to face him, she realizing her mistake, she proceeded to whisper her intended message: “We’re not just going to  _ fulfill _ a request like that!”

Kakashi laughed again, hand still clutching onto her waist and pulling her closer. When her chest hit his, he turned her to embrace her from behind. “No, not  _ that _ request.”

If Kakashi wasn’t suggesting that they try for children,  _ what _ was he suggesting? And suddenly, Sakura felt silly for even thinking that Kakashi  _ would _ suggest that.

And then Kakashi peeled himself away and stepped back, hand still on her side. Sakura, who was facing the trees, tried to face him, but he held her firmly and asked her to wait.

Sakura felt anticipation in her chest, and a little bit of giddiness. What was he trying to do? Kakashi’s fingers lightly grazed across the base of her neck, swiping her pink hair up and over her shoulder and then he was suddenly reaching over with both hands.

She caught the glint of gold in the sun as his arms set over her shoulders.

“I bought this for you…” he spoke softly. Sakura felt the distinct coolness of a necklace wrapping around her neck.

“Kakashi,” she cooed quietly and sweetly. Her hand instantly reached up to pick up the pendant attached to the gold chain.

“Takashi,” he reminded quietly, smiling behind her as he tucked the chain under her hair and clasped the ends together.

Once it was on, she felt free to swivel around and face him. She didn’t look up; instead, she peered down at the necklace he had given her.

It was a small, dainty, white and pink opal pendant on a delicate gold setting. The opal was oval shaped and set horizontally; and on each side was a tiny shimmering diamond to accent it.

Sakura was speechless. She tilted her head up to gaze into his eyes. He was regarding her affectionately--a light smile spreading across his lips. Sakura knew that she couldn’t give him any other look but surprise and wonder… and of adoration. As she stared back at him, feeling full of giddiness and warmth, she couldn’t help but grin and give a little giggle. It just slipped out. Kakashi just made her so happy.

“Keep that look,” he suggested warmly. “You’ll need it.”

Kakashi stepped aside and lifted an arm to motion at the storefront behind him. The signage read  _ Takumi’s Photography Studio. _

Sakura instantly gasped and understood.  _ That _ request— _ Sarada’s _ request for a picture!

Sakura felt happiness bubbling up within her. Kakashi was so sweet, even in thinking about her daughter. She felt the light sting of joyous tears pricking at the time of her eyes. She grinned brightly in Kakashi’s direction.

“We don’t want to keep her waiting for too long, do we?”

Sakura happily shook her head and quickly grasped his hands, leading him in through the door, listening to the welcoming bell jingle as they passed the entrance.

* * *

 

“It looks nice up there,” Sakura called from behind him.

Kakashi had just finished hanging up their portrait on the wall. While they waited for the photographer to develop the picture, Sakura had suggested that they go back into the marketplace to pick up a picture frame. Kakashi agreed without hesitation, and together they had chosen a simple golden wire frame to hang on the wall.

“It fits right in,” Kakashi responded, not turning away from the growing collection of memorabilia gathering atop of the dresser. “Seems more like a home every day.”

With his hands on his hips, right hand clutching onto the blunt-ended kunai that he used as a hammer, Kakashi stood back to take in the scene.

He had moved the painting of Sakura over to the right to allow the frame to hang in the adjacent spot. They had made sure to pick up a frame that matched the dimensions of the canvas in order to achieve some symmetry. Beneath them, resting on the top of the dresser, were the pink teddy bear, Sarada’s letter, and the Uchiha keychain. Additionally, Sakura had placed the little velvet blue jewelry box there so that she could place the necklace there while she slept.

Despite all of Kakashi’s turmoil for the day, he couldn’t help but feel like the  _ denial _ trick was sort of working. He stared long and intensely at the photograph.

_ That smile _ … it was there, immortalized. Captured forever for with the gift he had given her upon her neck. He had achieved exactly what he was hoping for. It was the grateful smile that he saw for the first time following Naruto’s dinner; it was the affectionate smile she had given him when he urged her not to give up on the mission; it was the smile that she only seemed to offer  _ him _ .

But this time, her smile was more radiant than it had ever been. She was not crying. She was not doubting. She was not considering Sasuke or any of her problems. This smile had been for him and because of him—it was pure. One could not look at this photo and think her smile was ingenuine.

Sakura looked so intensely happy and  _ he _ had been the cause of it.

The memory burned into his heart. Even after this mission, he knew he’d keep it forever.

With a natural smile under his mask, Kakashi turned to see Sakura biting the end of her marker, intently focusing on the letter she must have just finished writing.

He walked towards the table, pulled out a chair, and sat across from her with his elbows resting on the edge.

“Done?” he asked, noticing that a wallet-sized copy of their portrait was just beside the new blue stationery Sakura had purchased for this next letter.

“Mhmm,” she replied cheerily, not looking up as she continued to re-read her words.

“Read it to me?”

Sakura looked up, smiled warmly, and nodded as she picked up the stationery.

“ _ Dear Sarada, _

_ You guessed right. That’s exactly what we are doing here, but so far, it hasn’t been too dangerous. Hopefully, it stays that way, and even if it doesn’t, you’re right in believing that Kakashi-sama and I can handle it. _

_ I do see Papa a little more often than I did before. He’ll be gone again for awhile until we make more progress. I think Sai-ojisan will be delivering my letters to you in the meantime. I’m grateful that he’s willing to do this for us. _

_ You know me. I’m your mother, after all, and so worrying comes naturally to me. I’m happy to hear that you are doing well and that you aren’t feeling lonely. Please give Hinata-obasan and Naruto-ojisan a hug for me. I owe them so much. I’ll even bring something home for Himawari-chan for keeping you company. _

_ And an internship at the Hokage Tower?I’ll bet you were so excited to get that offer! And I’m so proud of you. Kakashi-sama even said that you’d probably be Hokage in no time. Sarada, I’m already so proud to be your mother, and I know that someday, I’ll see you in that white coat. Perhaps as the Kyuudaime.  _

_ Well, it won’t be much of a surprise, but Kakashi-sama and I decided to go and take that photo that you asked for. It makes me happy that you miss me enough to keep it beside you. I can’t take your keychain with me while I’m in public, but it will always be near to me in enclosed quarters. _

_ Keep me updated on your adventures. Until we see each other again, I’m dying to hear about it. _

_ I love you. _

_ Mama.” _

Sakura leaned back in her chair looking incredibly pleased and reminiscent as she placed the letter back on the table.

“It’s a great letter,” Kakashi complimented, and the reached out and leaned forward to peer over the contents spread out in front of Sakura. “But something is a  _ little  _ off.”

Sakura tilted her head in curiosity. Kakashi had swiftly swiped Sakura’s marker, uncapped it and reached for the photo, drawing a mask over his face in black before Sakura could protest.

“Hey!” she called out, the chair beneath her screeching across the floor as she jerked out of her seat. “Why would you do that?”

As Sakura attempted to reach for the photo, Kakashi held it behind him and just out of her reach, but dropped the marker on the table.

“Ah, ah, ah!” Kakashi warned playfully. “Don’t forget that you have special privileges on this mission. Most people in Konoha have yet to be graced by this beautiful face of mine.”

Sakura huffed and aggressively grabbed the marker, grumbling about ruining a good picture as she went to write something further at the bottom of the letter.

“Don’t be mad, Sakura-chan,” Kakashi whined as he leaned forward. “I just don’t want Sarada to show all of her friends. I have an image to maintain at home, you know.”

“Hmph!” 

And that was all the response he could get from her. Although she feigned anger, he could see the twitch of a smile playing on the corner of her lips.

Out of curiosity, Kakashi leaned forward to watch her scribble on the paper.

It read: “P.S. Kakashi stole the picture to draw over his face before I could seal it in the envelope. I’m sure you wanted to see it. I’m sorry! Our Rokudaime is a sneaky one…”

“Huh,” Kakashi joked as he held out the picture for her to take. “I guess I am pretty sneaky.” 

As she grabbed it and stuffed it into the envelope, he considered his own words.

He  _ did _ have an image to maintain in Konoha, but he wasn’t certain of his identity any longer.

Who was the  _ real  _ Hatake Kakashi?

Had he always been the man he’d been in Konoha? Or was that just a mask, literally and figuratively? 

Kakashi leaned back as he watched Sakura’s hardened face soften into a pleased smile. She had so easily forgotten what upset her as she prepared her love note for Sarada.

He felt warmth in his chest and a contentedness like no other he’d ever experienced before.

What  _ this _ the real Kakashi? The one who was right here with Sakura?

He didn’t know. Not anymore, at least.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Okay, this is probably the last introspective/relationship-based chapter I’ll have for awhile. Some of Sakura’s flaws were revealed through Kakashi here, and a lot of Kakashi’s conflicts/flaws were also revealed here. Neither of them can be perfect in this situation. It’s messy! The mission is going to take the spotlight a little more, especially now that Kakashi and Sakura are freely engaging in their affair. I need to make more progress in the mission whereas I’m made a lot of moves in their relationship, so bear with me. For once, I’m excited to get to the mission stuff. Ultimately, the mission and the relationship are inseparable, but yeah. Here we go!
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading, and thanks for your patience!


	27. Contact

**** It had been two weeks since the collaboration activity with Yuuto. It had gone well. Sakura had loved the work he did. He even allowed her to take it home, and Kakashi had playfully scowled out of fake jealousy for her praise for Yuuto. 

She’d made it up to him through playful kisses and hugs, insisting that at the end of the day, only he got  _ this _ kind of attention from her.

When Imada-sensei had announced that this weeks focus would be naked models, Sakura had found herself excited by the idea. Usually, when sensei would announce a new subject, style, or skill, Sakura would instantly find herself hit with a bout of insecurity--as if this were another thing she would have to  _ try _ and master, another thing to pester Sai to assist her in, another thing to watch everyone around her excel in while she struggled.

But the human body was something she was intimately familiar with--both inside and out. As a high-level medic, Sakura was exposed to every crevice of the outer body, and due to her patient base of shinobi, she was more familiar with finely toned bodies, and familiar with the way muscles would move and stretch as she tended to the various needs of her patient.

Her excitement was not necessarily due to some false sense of confidence that she would be  _ good  _ at it; instead, it was just a little taste of home, of her old life, a reminder that she  _ was _ exceptionally good at something, if not this.

But when the session had begun, she found that her excitement on the matter, her familiarity with each curve, dip, and shadow, transferred to a previously unknown natural affinity that she had for this subject. Sakura found that she was quite able to paint the delicate curve of the waist, the shadows and highlighting of the rib cage, the sensual dips of the collar bone...

Yuuto, who had become more of a regular partner and source of what he thought to be constructive criticism, had even leaned over to comment that perhaps Sakura had finally discovered herself.

Yuuto's company had not gone unnoticed by Sayuri, who had quietly giggled at the end of class and commented on it before affirming that they would meet the following day.

She had asked Sakura to bring something she'd worked on recently by herself, but Sai had been asking her to work on sketches at home. He had insisted that increasing her sketching ability would translate to better paintings, but the only work Sayuri  _ hadn't _ seen was the bed with the black smudge on it.

And so she brought it with her.

Since the winter season began and it was much too chilly to work outside, Sayuri had been inviting Sakura to her home for the past few sessions. And in these sessions, the two of them seemed to find a sense of friendship. The encounters became much more informal--no longer requiring the honorifics and courtesy that acquaintances upheld.

When she arrived, Sakura had paused at the front door to check if Katsuyu was ready and attentive in her sleeve. Sakura felt Katsuyu wiggle and quietly whisper that she was, and then Sakura was ready to proceed.

"Sayuriiii!" Sakura called out from the front door. Sayuri typically left it unlocked, but Sakura felt the need to announce herself before welcoming herself.

Sakura turned the doorknob and let herself in. She kicked off her boots at the door and stepped onto the dark wooden floors while unzipping her coat to hang it on the rack.

"Sayuri?" Sakura called out, peeking her head forward as she walked through the corridor to the sitting room.

"I'm here, Haruna," a faint voice responded, waving her over to sit down across from her. "Join me."

Sakura found Sayuri calmly painting atop a kotatsu table, her legs tucked securely under the comforter. Accepting the invitation, Sakura quickly deposited her bag onto the table, lifted the comforter, and slid her body underneath the kotatsu. Meanwhile, Sayuri had a pre-prepared pot of green tea, and began to pour a cup for Sakura.

“Ahhh, so warm!” Sakura squealed, pulling out her materials from the bag and placing them on the table in an orderly fashion. She heard Sayuri’s soft giggle across from her, and Sakura pulled out the bed painting, she heard a little  _ oh _ escape from Sayuri’s mouth.

Sayuri gingerly reached out to take the canvas, staring at it silently with a slightly surprised look on her face.

“It’s awful, isn’t it?” Sakura sighed, putting her elbows on the table and resting her cheek upon her palm. “I know you told me to bring something recent, but I’ve really only been sketching at home… so this was the only thing I hadn’t shown you yet.”

"You know what," she began, her expression neutrally content. "It's different for you. Maybe it's not something you're used to, and maybe it's not the most amazing piece for viewers, but because I  _ know _ you, and I know you're style, at least I can recognize that this is growth for you."

Sayuri put the canvas flat on the table and the moved to push the tea cup in Sakura's direction.

"Well, both you and Yuuto have been telling me that I need to express more feelings so... that's what happened."

Sakura shrugged as she reached for her tea cup and took a sip.

"You do like your rules," Sayuri added. "That's what makes this different. It's uncontrolled emotion."

"What do you see in it?"

"Besides the obvious," Sayuri chuckled, "It looks a lot like frustration. Oppression even, like your feelings were attempting to break free, but that freedom seems smothered."

Sakura didn't want to comment on how literal that seemed. After all, she  _ did _ just smother black paint all over the canvas and so Sayuri wasn't necessarily  _ wrong _ . There were feelings present, but Sakura couldn't help but feeling like thrashing in frustration could be a valid form of art.

"I can see how you're getting that, but what I need to figure out is how to get emotion on the canvas  _ without _ getting angry and losing control."

"Well, let's try again. It's easiest to start with yourself. Maybe after you practice a couple of times, you can try to capture someone else's feelings. I'll be back."

Sayuri purposefully slipped out of the kotatsu and left the room. Meanwhile, Sakura sat with her hands stuffed under the kotatsu blanket thinking about what she would paint during today's session.

Soon, Sayuri returned with a mirror stand in her hands. She propped it onto the table and slid back under the blanket.

"Why don't you paint yourself?" Sayuri suggested. "Have you ever attempted a self-portrait?"

Sakura shook her head, and for some reason, felt a little embarrassed about the idea.

"Okay, then let's do that today. Paint how you feel now... or paint an emotion you recently felt of  _ want _ to feel."

Sakura reached for the the mirror and set it in front of herself. When she looked at her reflection, her hands mindlessly moved to touch the necklace Kakashi had given her. Happy memories filled her mind in the shade of opalescent white and pink; she thought about how happy she was to go on that date, and how sweet Kakashi had been for thinking about Sarada...

But even further than that, she remembered the bathroom, the place that the photo had even been discussed in the first place. She thought about the feeling of freedom she felt in telling Kakashi that he made her feel as though she was enough, and the glow of love in her chest as they discussed Sarada's letter.

From that memory, Sakura knew what she wanted to paint.

"There it is," Sayuri giggled quietly. "That look on your face."

Sakura instantly laughed, immediately knowing what Sayuri meant by  _ that look _ , "I really can't hide anything from you artists."

"You're very easy to read. You're a good subject to paint."

Sakura couldn't hide the warmth on her cheeks anyway. She knew it. A comfortable silence descended between them as the two women went to work. Sakura propped up her table-top easel and placed a medium-sized canvas over it. Sakura picked up her pencil and began to sketch lightly.

She was surprised to see how easily the scene unfolded on the canvas. The pencil seemed to move on its own as it moved to form the curve of a shoulder, the defined line of a jaw, the delicate curves of the neck... and before she knew it, she had a semi-side profile of a woman with no expression.

Sakura looked in the mirror and focused on her lips... with eyes glancing back and forth between the canvas and mirror, she soon had fashioned what she thought looked like a gentle smile--one that wasn't too expressive, but was expressive enough to portray a subtle happiness.

Before she knew it, she was drawing in the larger frame of Kakashi's body behind hers. The shoulders were lifted, the trapezius muscles slightly taut, the sternocleidomastoid muscle defined  behind the image of her body, his laryngeal prominence hiding slightly behind her neck. Kakashi’s smirk was slightly visible, but his face ultimately seemed as though it was buried in her hair.

It surprised her that her pencil moved almost automatically--as if every curve, crease of the muscle, every bone was familiar in her memory. And even more surprising was the amount of detail of Kakashi's body that she was able to illustrate, yet how undeveloped the depiction of her own body had been.

She realized then, just how absolutely fixated on Kakashi's shoulders and neck she'd been all this time... It  _ was _ this particular man who awakened this attraction to these places after all.

Quickly controlling the blush beginning to spread across her face, Sakura refocused on her own image in the mirror, paying particular attention to the features of her own body.

_ My own sternocleidomastoid muscle... my clavicle... my suprasternal notch... _

Sakura began to tilt her body to the side in order to create the likeness of her own features. And in doing so did she notice a little giggle had slipped out.

Inwardly, she sounded like such a medic rather than an artist... She couldn't help but chuckle at the way she instinctively used medical names to describe parts of the body, even in a work of art.

"What's so funny?" asked Sayuri rather quietly.

"Ah," Sakura dismissed, attempting to conceal her laughter. "It's nothing, I just... was thinking about what inspired my piece."

It seemed that Sayuri couldn't help but be interested. Rather than leave the kotatsu to re-enter, she lifted her bottom off of the floor and scooted across until she was beside Sakura.

“Haruna!” Sayuri exclaimed weakly, pride glistening in her violet eyes. “I love it!”

“Huh? Really? It’s not even done…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Sayuri insisted, pushing Sakura over with her shoulder. “You know, it looks like you’re really good at anatomy. Are you naked in this scene?”

For some reason, Sakura instantly felt the need to defend herself from embarrassment--to make Sayuri think it wasn’t actually her. Besides, there was no pink hair yet!

“Erm… no. They’re wearing underwear… I was thinking that it would show something like vulnerability.”

“Well, I like it,” she concluded. “You look happy in Takashi-san’s arms.”

Sakura decided she couldn’t fight it. Sayuri just  _ knew _ .

“Is this a memory?”

“Yes…”

“What are you smiling about?”

_ Sarada _ , Sakura thought.  _ I was talking to him about Sarada… and I was happy to be in his arms. _

“Uhh…” Sakura began hesitantly.

“It doesn’t matter,” Sayuri interrupted. “The point is, is that even in  _ drawing _ form, the emotions are coming across. Now paint it!”

And then she was shuffling back to her place. A quiet descended between them as they refocused on their work. Looking at the completed sketch, she liked the image she was taking in: it was a close up of herself sitting in Kakashi’s lap. The frame only features their shoulders and cuts off right under their noses. Only the smiles are visible and Kakashi’s strong arm enclosing her in an embrace. 

As Sakura looked at her sketch, her chest grew warm. She felt something looking at it too. 

Beginning to smile, Sakura took out her paint pots and began to mix colors onto her palette. As she did so, she kept Yuuto’s advice about color composition in mind. The  _ mist _ … a light purplish gray instead of a blackish gray to give a little bit of warmth and lightness instead of cold. Their skin illuminated by yellows and tans, highlighted with white for dewiness… brown for the shadows, for the dips and crevices of their bodies, where their skin collided on the canvas. Silver, gray, and white for his hair… two shades of bubblegum pink for hers.

A little bit of white changed everything. And she would try with all of her might  _ not _ to outline everything with black… she wanted the colors to seem alive,  _ real _ , let them speak for themselves.

“Haruna?” Sayuri suddenly cut in softly, disrupting Sakura’s concentration on her piece.

“Hmm?” she replied, peering over the edge of the canvas.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m happy we met. I’ve never really had someone that felt like a girl friend before.” She smiled sweetly and with energy despite her quiet voice.

Sakura couldn’t help but smile back. Sayuri was her mission--for now--but even she couldn’t deny that part of it almost felt like an escape. She could say things and express feelings to Sayuri that she couldn’t express anywhere else--especially because those feelings were about Kakashi. There was a comfort here that she couldn’t find anywhere else on this mission. It almost didn’t seem like one.

“Me too, Sayuri,” Sakura responded. And she meant it.

The two of them fell back into silence, focusing on their work.

* * *

 

The bell jingled as the customer exited the shop.

Zenhichi had begun to delegate more tasks to Kakashi—a sure sign that he’d been doing good work in his boss’s eyes and that he trusted him enough to be in charge of the shop for the day.

Sakura and Kakashi had unsurprisingly found the last two weeks of recon to be uneventful. Sakura had been growing restless and feeling increasingly hopeless about their situation. Katsuyu had grown weary and had been a little less attentive. Pakkun had decreased the pup rotation to two, and had explicitly asked Kakashi if this endeavor would pay off in the end.

The truth was that he didn't know. Perhaps Sayuri was a faulty lead after all. Maybe she didn't actually have any connection to Hisashi Masuyo. Maybe she'd seen him once from the crowd and had found herself entirely enamored by his seeming greatness.

For that reason, Kakashi had decided to use his workplace as a new means of collecting information from customers.

Since that first conversation about Zenhichi's son, Kakashi had been unable to get anymore out of him. Kakashi understood, and because Zenhichi was his employer, he chose to back away from that pursuit and try something else.

Tokugawa-san had suggested that Kakashi ask Sakura to paint something to liven up the shop; the idea made him wonder if having something up like would inspire conversation about Masuyo Institute amongst his customers. When Kakashi asked Sakura how she felt about doing so during Sai's practice session, she clammed up and explained that she was much to self-conscious about her work to do anything like that.

Sai had volunteered to do so on her behalf, to which Sakura hilariously snapped back and refused for him. Instead, Sakura suggested that Kakashi go for an emotional appeal to open the line of conversation with his customers. She explained that people wouldn't really respond to a piece of artwork as often given the artistic nature of Takumi. They were more likely than not  _ desensitized _ to seeing good works of art around town and so Kakashi would have to try something else.

And so, Kakashi executed Sakura's plan. Instead, Kakashi cleared out a section of shelving behind the register and had two key items: a 5 x 7 framed close up photo of Sakura smiling as she painted, and a 11x17 canvas that read "Welcome to Zenhichi's Butchery" in red lettering over a bright pastel yellow and little cartoon versions of Zenhichi and Kakashi on each side.

The idea was to appeal to them with something she described as adorable and loving. She had explained that people would be drawn to the seeming affection of the gesture, and they'd be more likely to ask. The placement was strategic too; by placing it behind the register as they checked out with Kakashi would lead their eyes to the only colorful piece in the room.

He couldn't proceed with this idea without Zenhichi's approval; however, the moment he saw a cartoon depiction of himself, he chortled with joy and expressed no objections. He'd even laughed at the prospect of finally having a piece of a woman's touch around the undecorated shop.

Kakashi couldn't help but feel a tingle of pride for Sakura's minimal yet effective strategy; it was a pleasant picture for  _ him _ too, because, although it were for the sake of the mission and appearances, he truly enjoyed being able to glance at Sakura's smiling face here and there. It made the work day move that much faster as he would look forward to seeing the real thing.

And in these past two weeks of work, the painting and picture had actually worked its charm. The women picking up ingredients for their families were the first to ask about the set-up, commenting on how sweet it was, and how much he must love his wife. Eventually, the men would comment on either Sakura's beauty or remind Kakashi that he was a lucky man.

The conversation would flow easily the moment they asked if his wife had painted the cute cartoons of them. Kakashi had found that villagers had mixed feelings about Masuyo Institute. Some villagers had no opinion about the art school--particularly the younger ones who knew nothing other than a bustling art economy. Others, especially the elders who had seen the market crash and had watched Takumi spiral into an economic depression, felt that the institute  _ had  _ been the reason for economic growth. They argued that it made the tradesmen more conscious about the quality of their goods, that it was putting Takumi back on the map and attracting visitors.

There had been a small minority, however, that felt Takumi was a scam and had warned Kakashi to take Sakura out and pursue another avenue of success, such as potentially inheriting the shop from Zenhichi someday. To them, Masuyo Institute had a very biased idea of what they considered to be "good" art, and if a student did not fall under that category, Masuyo wouldn't help them start a business at all.

To Kakashi, this was an interesting observation. The  _ most _ interesting observation, however, was that no matter how often he tried, he could not trigger the strange robotic responses from  _ any _ of the civilians.

He wondered then if the hypnosis jutsu had only been instilled upon certain authority or secretarial figures. Kakashi had ensured to test this hypothesis upon his Miyamoto-sensei, but had achieved the same result. Nothing.

From this experience, Kakashi had theorized that the reason for this would be that civilians have little interaction with prospective students, and that once a student  _ was  _ enrolled, they didn't need to be further convinced of Masuyo Institute's supposed greatness.

Although Kakashi didn't have much to show for two weeks of trying to gather villager information, he did at least have  _ something.  _ It was very clear, however, that he and Sakura might need to figure something else out... something much more invasive, risky, and time consuming.

* * *

 

Sakura leaned back on her arms, legs still tucked underneath the kotatsu yet she could feel the slight tingle of a thousand numbing needles prickling her bottom from sitting for too long. Additionally, she could feel the slight slither of Katsuyu on her skin as she moved under her sleeve, something Katsuyu would periodically do to spread moisture, Sakura presumed.

For once, Sakura was able to look at her canvas with a sense of pride. She understood that this one was different from her other works; she felt a persistent warmth as she went, a permanent curl of the lip in contented bliss. It was, perhaps, that very same enduring feeling of affection for the scene, for the subject, that translated into the attention given to the shadows, the expressions, the tone of her piece. She felt that she was able to imitate the likeness of Kakashi’s shoulder, arms, and neck to the best of her ability.

Admittedly, Sakura was much less focused on the minute details of her own body, other than her gentle expression. She wanted the piece to reflect the same serene elation that she felt within her, and while she couldn’t say that she did so as effectively as Sayuri could, she understood that this was progress.

Wiggling her torso and stretching her arms, Sakura was ready to get up and circulate the blood in her legs. In the quiet, Sakura peered over the edge of her canvas to check on Sayuri. As usual, she was quietly painting her piece, eyes seemingly sullen yet attentive, her physical demeanor paralleling her unassuming way of speaking.

She decided then that her curiosity to see what Sayuri was painting would be a sufficient excuse to get up. 

Sakura began to shuffle and slid herself out of the kotatsu. Sayuri did not look away from her work as Sakura swung her legs and walked around the table to peer at Sayuri’s canvas.

“Oh, Sayuri…” Sakura breathed softly, her eyes widening as she took in the image. Sayuri didn’t respond. She just kept painting, which was fine as Sakura didn’t know how to conclude her sentence anyway.

It was a dark piece which was not typical for her style. At first glance, Sakura felt that she might be looking at Yuuto’s work, but it was the distinct silvery purple hair of the subject that was a dead giveaway. Sayuri’s lithe frame stood within the canvas, seemingly trapped behind a translucent wall that blurred any other likeness of her features. She had no expression which seemed to be an intentional choice. Her hand was placed onto this wall as if to emphasize that she could not pass this barrier. 

Yet in front of the wall, a more defined Sayuri was portrayed with hair flowing and chin tilted downward. She was walking away from this barrier with a mechanical smile on her face, eyes shadowed and almost seemingly inauthentic under the sweep of her hair.

Sakura felt a heaviness in seeing this. She couldn’t help but wonder if, despite Sayuri’s gentle positivity, she was wandering in this world feeling absolutely disconnected from herself and the her surroundings…

Or was it that Sayuri was able to walk away from an older version of herself…?

But Sayuri’s painted smile was haunting; it reminded her of Sai’s default expression in the early days of their relationship.

Suddenly, Sakura felt the tiny Katsuyu squirming frantically in her loose sleeve, and shortly after a deep, penetrating voice came from behind her, causing Sakura to freeze where she stood.

“Beautiful, Sayuri,” the voice said calmly, and then he hummed a short tune. Sakura saw Sayuri’s body stiffen and her brush float in place, and Katsuyu’s squirming slowed down.

For a moment, she could have sworn she felt a faint surge of chakra and then it faded. Sakura very slowly swiveled on her foot, attempting to dispel the look of surprise and panic on her face, despite all of her inner defenses raising in alert.

Behind her stood a tall, relatively lean yet firm man. His shoulders were broad, his posture almost regal, chin tilted almost proudly into the air.

His thin black eyes seemed to stare at Sakura with dull amusement, a single eyebrow twitched upwards with a crook of his thin-set lips.

“Akiyama Haruna,” the man spoke soberly. “Let me introduce myself.”

He held out his hand, his wide-set palm exposed and ready to receive her. Sakura reached out in silence as her smaller hand was taken in his strong grip.

“Masuyo Hisashi. Sayuri and Imada have told me many things about you. They’ve informed me that you are growing rapidly.”

And then he released her. Despite her growing panic, she felt that she had to say something to break this awkward situation. This was what she and Kakashi were waiting for. Their true target was here, right in front of her, finally confirming that Sayuri had been a worthwhile pursuit.

“Really?” was all Sakura could manage. She watched him, dressed in all black and gray robes, walk around her and toward Sakura’s canvas. She noticed the hard contact of rubber on the wooden floor. He didn’t even remove his shoes.

“Oh yes,” he responded smoothly, voice still deep and softly commanding, stopping in front of Sakura’s work and taking it in. “And Sayuri mentioned that she’d been helping a new friend improve on her work.”

And then he looked up with a smile, and though his hair was trimmed on the sides, his longer dark green bangs fell over one of his eyes as he tilted his head. “This is a great piece considering that you are a beginner.”

_ When? _ Sakura wondered furiously.  _ How could she have told him when we’ve been watching her for over a month with no trace of this guy? _

“Thank you,” Sakura replied hesitantly. There was something about him--she couldn’t pinpoint it. His voice seemed to creep down her spine like seeping venom; he was mysterious and exuded a danger… Why? Or was it that she was projecting that feeling onto him out of suspicious bias? Truthfully, there was almost something about him that reminded her of Sasuke. His cryptic presence was commanding.  Sayuri hadn’t moved since Masuyo entered the room, and Sakura wondered  _ how _ on earth this man entered the building without her notice.

Was she that rusty? She’d made sure to continuously suppress her own chakra, but admittedly, since their mission had been low-energy since the start, she had stopped actively scanning for danger. She’d typically only pick up the shinobi on guard around the perimeter of Takumi anyway.

Now she understood that this was a mistake in judgement.

_ This man must be a shinobi _ , she thought. There was no other way that he could enter without her knowing. Civilians were much noisier in their entrance, but high level shinobi could essentially disappear.

She felt herself resisting the urge to furrow her brow in front of him. She tried to keep a neutral face. She wasn’t entirely sure, but she felt as though Masuyo was sizing her up with his eyes, hiding his intentions behind his smirk and his compliments.

_ No chakra…  _ Sakura reminded herself.

The two of them stood staring at each other in silence for some time--perhaps only five seconds, yet the awkwardness made it feel like sixty.

“Sayuri,” Masuyo commanded cordially, never breaking eye contact from Sakura. “Pack up your work. I’ll have you finish your work with me.”

As soon as Sayuri began to move, Sakura’s shoulders raised and she  jumped at chance to assist her. “Sayuri-san, let me help you.”

The first thing Sakura went for was Sayuri’s canvas, she held the sides lightly, ensuring not to smear the paint near the edges.

_ Katsuyu _ … Sakura begged silently.  _ I hope you know what to do… _

And as if on cue, Sakura felt Katsuyu divide into two as she slowly slithered toward the canvas.

Sakura knew she would have to continue holding onto the canvas until Katsuyu made it onto the frame. Sakura looked down to ensure the framing on the back was facing her torso and aligned with her wrist. She slid her palm to the bottom of the canvas to hold it up, then let go to pick up Sayuri’s bag and open it for her.

“Here Sayuri-san, put all of your things in here.”

Sakura feigned a smile and closed her eyes. Sakura thought she could feel Masuyo’s eyes on her, but she forced herself to watch Sayuri instead.

This was the first time Sakura had looked at Sayuri’s face since Masuyo’s arrival, and what she saw was the familiar image of someone who seemed to be under another’s control--just like Kyoko and the attendant at the registration desk.

“Thank you,” she said monotonously, slowly picking up and depositing her paint sets and brushes without care; the only difference between her and Kyoko was that Kyoko was more lively to begin with. Sayuri’s change in demeanor had been subtle, but her eyes said it all.

As soon as the table was packed, Sayuri slid out from under the kotatsu and stood up straight, almost absently looking forward as Sayuri retrieved the bag from Sakura and then took the canvas from her.

“Let’s go,” Masuyo commanded and then he turned away and began to head towards the door, his boots tapping heavily with each step. Sayuri followed without reaction or hesitation, making no sound upon the floor boards as she moved. “If you’ll excuse us...”

He didn’t even have her put on a coat… but Sakura said nothing and waited until the door clicked upon their exit.

“Katsuyu-sama,” Sakura whispered, eyes never leaving the frame of the hallway, and eyebrows finally crinkling in both anger and worry.

Katsuyu slinked out of Sakura’s sleeve. Sakura lifted a hand to raise her up to her face.

“Fast thinking. You did exactly what I was hoping you’d do.”

Katsuyu wiggled on her skin, feelers extending after hours of being retracted from being hidden in Sakura’s clothes. 

“Of course, Sakura,” Katsuyu replied perkily. “We’ve been waiting for this very moment. I knew we’d have to follow them somehow.”

Despite Katsuyu’s newfound energy, Sakura could not bring herself to relax or find relief in this. She was worried about Sayuri, about what would happen next, but she  _ knew _ she would have to decide now.

Sakura’s voice was stern and focused, “Relay information to me. Where are you hiding?”

“At first, I aligned myself to a small corner of the canvas, but I immediately divided into smaller and smaller pieces. I’ve tucked myself into grove where the canvas and frame meet.”

“Good. First priority is to avoid being seen. If you feel that there is a risk of discovery, disperse immediately. Can you see or hear anything?”

“No,” Katsuyu said regrettably. “They’re walking in silence. I can only hear the chatter of villagers as we pass by. I can only see when Sayuri swings the canvas a little as she walks, but for the most part she’s stiff. All I can see is her clothing and Masuyo’s fingers on her shoulder.”

“Okay,” Sakura sighed, finally closing her eyes as she speculated on her next move. “Katsuyu-sama, are you still with Kakashi?”

“Yes, I’m resting near his neck.”

“Send a message for me. Tell him I’ve made contact with Masuyo and that I’m in pursuit. Have one ninken monitor the house and send two skilled ninken to trail Sayuri. No pups.”

Before Katsuyu could respond, Sakura was making her way towards the door. She sat on the entry step and to slide on her boots, thinking about how fitting it was that she had adopted a dark palette for her wardrobe. Black winter leggings and her sweater would do for scouting in broad daylight, yet she knew she’d have to be careful regardless… but her hair.

Sakura stopped and dropped her boot. She quickly got up and moved to the living room, scanning for any dark item that she could use to cover herself.

On the floor, right where Sayuri had been seated, was a thin navy blue cardigan.

This would do.

_ Sorry, Sayuri… I’m going to need to borrow this. _

Sakura swiftly picked it up and fashioned it over her head as a makeshift hood, tucking in the pink strands of her hair to hide it. Then she returned to the door to put on her boots, and as quickly as the door opened and closed, she had blinked away into the trees.

_ No chakra _ , she reminded herself as she began traveling.  _ Swift. Hidden. Light feet… but no chakra. _


	28. New Bloom

"Katsuyu-sama," Sakura whispered, kneeling on a thick branch, hidden behind the shade of the tree leaves. "What's the status of the Ninken?"

Katsuyu wiggled on the Sakura's neck, on the space just beneath her ear, protruding just enough to peer out of Sakura's makeshift hood.

"Kakashi-sama's summons was completed approximately 7 minutes ago. Pakkun is relaying an ETA to the general location in an estimated 1 minute."

"Good," Sakura replied, gripping onto the main bough of the tree, peering over the entrance of the administration building at a distance. "Send this exact location. I want to get them in the building somehow."

Katsuyu was silent.

Sakura watched from behind the leaves, observing Sayuri and Masuyo walk slowly and quietly into the three story administration building, his arm loosely around her shoulder as if he were guiding her. It had not been difficult to catch up to them. Sayuri's house was approximately 15 minutes away from the school grounds at regular walking speed, but Sayuri and Masuyo were strolling slowly. His hand had never left Sayuri's body, even with the side-glances and whispers of villagers as they passed.

It had been easier to hide too; despite the strong glow of the golden hour, the sun was beginning to set. It had been getting darker much earlier after the winter solstice, and as such, shadows were splattered across town. The shadows, of course, were the perfect playground for Sakura during her pursuit.

As if on cue, Pakkun materialized at Sakura's side the moment Sayuri and Masuyo entered the building and was out of site.

"I thought I asked for two ninken," Sakura said amusedly, glancing down at the familiar presence.

Pakkun snorted and wagged his tail, remaining in an alerted stance. "I'm skilled enough for two ninken. Besides, we've been waiting around for weeks and all I've been hearing are the complaints of pups. Did you really think I was going to give up the action to another dog? Besides, my tracking ability is the strongest of the pack."

"I guess I can't blame you," Sakura replied, looking away from Pakkun with a smirk. "Alright, here's the plan. I'm going to have you get into my bag. I'll walk up to the counter, put the bag down, and your job will be to run off and scout the building. Find Sayuri and Masuyo. Sniff out what you can."

"What is it with you and Kakashi? You always want to cage me in one of those things."

"Well this time it's necessary. Katsuyu-sama, can you see anything?"

"No," she replied. "As far as I can tell, we are walking up a flight of stairs. Sakura-san, I sense chakra here… It's getting stronger as we ascend."

Sakura exhaled sharply and grunted, "That means we have to move quickly. Let's go."

Quickly scooping Pakkun into her bag, she muttered not to move, and then swiftly slid down the base of the tree. She double-checked to ensure she was not seen, and once she was on her feet, she removed Sayuri's cardigan from her hair and began to walk.

"Sakura-san," Katsuyu whispered.

"Not now. It'll just be a moment," Sakura replied quietly, just before entering the administration door.

As soon as she was in, she surveyed the lobby. It was empty, just as she suspected on a mid-quarter Tuesday. As she approached the counter, Sakura saw the saw same disinterested attendant sat at the registration desk with his nose buried in a book.

"Hello, excuse me," she began cordially, carefully bending down to drop her bag and then straightened herself. She saw Pakkun wiggle out of the canvas bag and run swiftly to the hall through her peripheral vision.

"How can I help you?" the attendant sighed, flopping his book onto the counter and leaning on his hand with a spiritless demeanor.

"Ah, well you see… my husband was thinking of taking a break from his course." Sakura smiled hesitantly, playing the role of someone who was embarrassed about revealing such information. "We were thinking that only one of us should enroll and that the other should work-you know, finances and all that."

"Uh-huh," the attendant replied dully. Sakura briefly wondered why the school decided to hire someone like this.

"How can I unenroll him?"

The attendant removed his chin from the palm of his hand and leaned forward on both elbows. "Well, miss, we're in the middle of a quarter. No refunds, obviously. All you have to do is not register him for another class next quarter."

Sakura suddenly felt Katsuyu wiggling almost violently on her neck. Katsuyu was trying to get her attention. She smiled with her eyes closed, not listening to a word the man was saying.

"If he really wants to stop," continued the attendant. "He could just stop showing up-"

"Ah, is that all?" she interrupted with a chuckle. "Alright, thanks. Bye!" And then Sakura picked up her bag and swiftly made her way towards the exit.

As soon as she was outside, the stern look returned on her face. She walked calmly away from the building, blending in so as not to draw attention to herself, and back towards the original tree.

"What's wrong, Katsuyu-sama?"

"There's a chakra barrier."

"What?" Sakura asked, clearly alarmed, jumping onto a shadowed branch.

How could there be a barrier? How were we unable to detect it?

Sakura instantly understood that long-term chakra suppression must have impeded her ability to effectively scan. How could she scan for chakra without releasing some of her own to widen the scope?

"I was able to move to the very edge of the canvas. I believe that Masuyo occupies the top floor. There were two large wooden doors at the top and the barrier is behind them."

"... Could you get in?"

Sakura already knew the answer.

"No. Masuyo was channeling his chakra through Sayuri to allow her through the barrier… and as soon they walked through the barrier, I dematerialized."

"Were you suppressing your chakra?"

"Of course, Sakura-sama… but… I can't ensure that there wasn't a remnant of residual chakra upon the forced dissipation. If there was, it should have faded quickly, but that depends on how adept of a shinobi Masuyo is."

A thousand questions were running through Sakura's mind at that moment. Masuyo's identity, Sayuri's safety, the chakra barrier, Pakkun's location, their undercover status, further infiltration…

"Sakura-san," Katsuyu continued. "Please remember that I have been summoned here and I am maintained through your chakra… so if a signature was left behind, it would have been yours."

She was right. Sakura muttered profanity under her breath and quickly decided to flee from the premises. If Masuyo was a high-level shinobi, and he must be to erect a low-emitting chakra barrier, he might be able to scan and locate the source of the chakra if Sakura wasn't careful.

As this realization hit her, she knew to cover her head once again with Sayuri's navy cardigan. Once it had been fastened, Sakura left the area.

As Sakura nimbly jumped from tree to tree, she instructed Katsuyu to relay information to Kakashi with a stern face. "Katsuyu-sama, inform Kakashi of what happened here and why I had to leave. Let him know that Pakkun is still on the premises and we have no way of communicating with him. If he can, he needs to get here as soon as possible and camp out for Sayuri's exit. Send another ninken to Sayuri's house, and perhaps another one to monitor the path from the administration building to her home."

"Got it."

* * *

The moment Kakashi left the restroom to receive Katsuyu's message, he made sure to sigh a little bit louder, to make a little more mistakes than usual, to stare out into space as if he were zoning out.

This time, Kakashi kicked over a bucket of water as he walked, spilling the contents all over the floor.

"Oh, shit!" Kakashi exclaimed apologetically, quickly picking up the bucket and scrambling to find the mop. He wondered if his feigned clumsiness looked too forced. "I'm so sorry…"

"Takashi-san, is something on your mind?Have you been tired since class ended? Boring poetry session?" asked Zenhichi, watching Kakashi hastily mop up the mess.

"Ah, no-" Kakashi replied, sheepishly raised an arm in fake dismissal, then kicking the bucket again as he moved to put weight on his other leg.

"Hmm…" Zenhichi hummed, "You're not usually this clumsy and you've been zoning out a little." He reached to take the mop from Kakashi.

"Zenhichi-san, please. Let me. I can do it." Kakashi attempted to take the mop back, but put in little effort. This conversation was proceeding as planned.

"Listen, get it off your chest. If something is bothering you, it's clearly affecting your work. Tell me about it, I'm all ears." Zenhichi then looked away, waiting silently as he began to mop the floor.

Kakashi left a final moment of silence, pretending to portray a sense of pride between men.

"Is it Haruna-san? Everything okay at home?"

Sighing, Kakashi conceded and decided to run with that topic. What would affect Zenhichi the most?

"It's just that she hasn't been feeling well. She's been sick and nauseous lately," Kakashi replied, leaning against the counter and placing a hand over his forehead in an attempt to seem deeply concerned. "This morning she looked pale, yet she insisted on going to her practice session today. She should be home by now, but I am a little worried about her, to be honest…"

Zenhichi straightened his posture looking at Kakashi with a sly smile, eyes glistening.

"Zenhichi-san?" Kakashi asked, pretending to be ignorant to his conclusion.

"Takashi-san," he spoke encouragingly. "Sickness like that could be a blessing."

Almost abruptly, Zenhichi was setting the mop aside with a grin, gloving his hand, and grabbing a slab of chicken meat from the refrigerator.

"Go home to your wife. Make her strong with some chicken porridge."

"Zenhichi-san," Kakashi responded with wide eyes, attempting to seem as though he couldn't accept this proposal.

"You're a hard-working man, Takashi-san. I'd love to see you become a family man… and if you ever need to leave to take care of your wife again, don't hesitate to tell me."

And with that, Zenhichi extended his hand to offer the wrapped chicken and had a proud look on his face.

Kakashi smiled in gratitude, taking the chicken with a bow. "Thank you."

"Get out of here."

"See you Friday," said Kakashi. He then quickly removed his apron, hung it on the rack, and then eagerly made his way out of the door, listening to the jingle of the bell as he exited.

As soon as Kakashi was out of the building and turned the corner, he produced one sharp whistle. Then he stuffed his hands into his pockets and disappeared. Kakashi made sure to blink into the nearest tree, exerting a minimal amount of chakra to get there, waiting for the ninken to arrive from the call of his whistle.

Katsuyu slithered up and placed herself by Kakashi's ear. "That was smooth," she said.

Kakashi simply hummed in response as she continued. "How will you plan to tell Sakura that your employers will think she's pregnant?"

"I'll figure it out," he dismissed, crouching on the branch and leaning against the bough. "It worked didn't it? He ate it up."

"That's true," she agreed.

At that moment, Akino appeared beside Kakashi's leg, panting happily to be reporting for duty.

"Ah… Akino, nice to see you. It's been awhile."

"Kakashi," Akino barked quietly, his tan coat seeming freshly washed under his navy Konoha sweater, and his eyes still hidden behind small canine shades.

"News from Sakura?" Kakashi asked.

"She successfully left the premises and is en route to the apartment to ensure minimal opportunities for chakra exposure," replied Katsuyu.

"And Pakkun, Akino?"

Upon hearing his name, Akino sat abruptly and wagged his tail. "Pakkun has located Sayuri behind a wooden door and is keeping track of the new male target. He says the chakra barrier does not contain scent but he has been unable to find a way in." As he concluded his report, Akino's tongue hang out of his mouth, panting in heavy breaths.

Kakashi closed his eyes and crossed his arms. He was thinking, calculating, pondering over possibilities.

Just who was Masuyo Hisashi and what was his goal here? Why did he need a chakra barrier? Why was he running an art school, of all places?

"Kakashi-sama," Katsuyu called. "Sakura wants you to be on the lookout for Sayuri and Masuyo."

Kakashi nodded, eyes remained closed as he exhaled.

This could be it. They could finally gather some insight if they just followed Masuyo… or if they could get into that room somehow.

He'd have to send a scroll to Shikamaru asking for assistance; Kakashi did not possess a jutsu to undo a barrier.

And if not Shikamaru then….

Sasuke.

Maybe he could see something or swap himself within the room.

His brow instantly furrowed at the thought of Sasuke's return and involvement, no matter how inevitable he knew that outcome was… but this was a mission after all, and it had to come before his feelings.

Everything else could be resolved separately.

"Yosh," Kakashi exclaimed in a pseudo-excited tone, appearing to be chipper despite himself.

"Akino, I'd like you to station yourself around the perimeter of Sayuri's house. I'm assuming Pakkun had you briefed ahead of time of which scents to track. Where's Bisuke?"

"Available," Akino barked in reply.

"He's the second smallest dog. Send him to monitor the trail between the school and her house. He's to stay hidden. No ninken-in-training. This is a job for the big boys. We can't afford any chakra slip-ups."

Akino snuffed and barked softly in acceptance. He was seated, waiting for Kakashi's signal to break.

"Let's go. We have a shinobi to track."

And within a millisecond, they were off—only the swirl of leaves and unsettled dust hovering where they once stood.

* * *

Kakashi sat absently on a thick branch of an even larger bough. He found small speckles of dirt from a boot and a tiny paw print which he presumed to be Pakkun's.

With his heightened sense of smell, he discovered Sakura's lingering scent, leading him to the conclusion that this was precisely that spot that she had been watching from before she departed.

And it was a good tree—the entry to the building was a clear shot away from it and yet the hideaway remained shrouded by an appropriate amount of leaves and shadow.

He had been there for three hours. The sun had completely set and at this point, the sky was a deep bule, slowly revealing more and more stars as the time passed. The administration building had long locked up. The lazy attendant walked sluggishly home, nose buried in his book, and one by one, unfamiliar secretarial employees exited the building until the last had turned to lock the glass door.

All lights were off and all windows were dark—save for one at the very top left corner of the building. It was curtained by some heavy velvety material, allowing no light through other than the faint glowing ring illuminating the edges.

This observation had caused Katsuyu to stir and she readily volunteered to make her way across the courtyard to listen, but Kakashi had declined for the sake of ensuring that Sakura's chakra remain undetectable. It were mere precaution, but an important one, at that.

Besides, Pakkun was in there somewhere, sniffing and surely listening for conversation to the best of his ability.

Since the discovery of the window, he had simply been waiting for something to stir. He had been idle for hours, leaning against a tree as he had done for years in Konoha, either napping or reading Icha Icha.

This time, however, his favorite past time had not been spent absently. Instead, Kakashi's mind was constantly drawn back to the thought of Sakura as her scent wafted in the breeze. This was a new occurrence, as he realized that in his older years, the experience of longing was not something he was accustomed to—at least, not this type of longing.

Sure, he had thought back to his fallen companions from time to time, speculating on what life would have been like if they lived. He had wondered often about Naruto's leadership, hoping—praying, even, to whatever higher power—that Konoha would not burn down as a result. Occasionally, he'd have a more carnal craving for a woman. Most of the time, he would not indulge. Most of the women his age had already settled down and had established families. Some were widowed, yet Kakashi could not find himself drawn to them. The ones that hadn't, however, had been too shy or bashful to approach him. He figured that many women might consider a Hokage untouchable; after all, generations of Hokage had remained in whatever marital status they entered the position in. Tsunade, as beautiful and as powerful of a woman as she was, had been a prime example of that.

In the rare times that he would fulfill his desire, it had always been through a younger woman—one who had been struck by his title and rank, and perhaps found pleasure in the prospect of being taken by a man of his stature. And once, there was even a woman—perhaps a little older than Sakura had been at the time—that made a reoccurring appearance.

He had met her in the park during one of his afternoon strolls, temporarily escaping the persistent nag of assistants and advisors that seemed to plague his office. She had been sitting on a bench, reading some romance novel. They had conversed for awhile, particularly about the contents of their respective hardcover books, naturally leading to the question: "Rokudaime-sama, forgive me for asking but… are you seeing anyone?"

That moment had been his in and he'd taken it. Their rendezvous remained secret, and he had engaged with her at least 5 times more. It had ended when she found herself wanting more than the occasional romp—he just wasn't drawn to a relationship in that way. He had too much on his plate as the Hokage, and he couldn't bring himself to commit to something else.

She appeared to understand despite the look of disappointment. He had been sure to send her a single flower afterwards to apologize in some way, and had not seen her again since. A relationship was just not on his list of priorities, even after he had stepped down from leadership. It just wasn't part of who he was.

Now, however, Sakura's presence and scent stirred him in an unfamiliar way. He longed for her—not just sexually, but in every way. He simply wanted to see her, to hold her, to hear her laugh. He wanted to be beside her in all ways.

Of course, that carnal urge for her had been ever-present since that first night on the couch—perhaps longer if he was truthful. Since that night that she returned from Sasuke, they had spooned and cuddled openly through their slumber. And since that night on the counter, when they had established some sort of teasing game, it seems to him that Sakura almost wiggled against him in the mornings, slowly rubbing him with her hips. She would almost moan as she awoke, then stretch and arch her back as her bottom protruded directly onto his groin, which he was certain was an attempt to disguise the intention of turning him on. He figured she liked the feeling of his desire for her—and he didn't mind it at all.

With his thoughts trailing away into dirtiness, his mind shifting back to something just as entertaining: Zenhichi would certainly run to Fujiko with the news that Haruna might be pregnant.

Kakashi laughed quietly against the tree, thinking of how excited she would be and imagining all the ways in which their elderly companions would dote over Sakura as if she were their own family.

The idea warmed his chest. And then a wicked thought crossed his mind—the game! This was absolutely prime material to tease her with. A smirk accompanied his thoughts of execution.

Yet with that dirty thought came the fond speculation of a life in which Sakura could be the mother of his child… And the realization that Kakashi had truly become another man dawned on him. Never before had he considered or even desired to see a silver-haired child in his arms, and even more exciting was the image of the child looked at him with green eyes.

His mind wandered to some piece he had been urged to write in class not too long ago. He peered at the abandoned doorway of the administration building, checking for activity before digging a small paper notebook out of his back pocket. He skimmed quickly through the pages in search of one poem…

Endless winter kept emerald captive, rain drowning deep roots

the graying bough was without fruit - Yet the frozen wind

laughed harshly as it stole all life from its branches

leaving nothing but the shroud of loneliness in its wake.

Kakashi scoffed bitterly at his work, his head knocked lightly against the back of the tree. Even if his sensei praised his efforts, Kakashi knew he was terrible at poetry. It had no meter, no structure, no purpose but emotion. It was corny, no more masterful than Jiraiya had ever been in his erotica… It was clearly an amateur's attempt, but Kakashi had to admit that it was somewhat of a cathartic release.

With Sakura's scent still lingering in his nose, he wondered if he should amend the poem. Would he write about spring's arrival? A single blossom at the tip of a branch? Should he revive hope?

Kakashi couldn't help but feel as though adding to the poem would turn it into something further from the truth…

Spring, he thought, comes and goes. As would Sakura.

He slapped the covers shut and placed the notebook upon his thigh.

The branch would be barren again. She was not his to bloom for.

* * *

A light tapping noise and the persistent sound of panting caused Kakashi to open a single eye.

A few inches from his extended foot was Bisuke, his golden brown ninken with a dark chocolate color on his ears and eyes. He gave a cute, muted bark—Bisuke was not one of the communication dogs, but his tracking ability was of the same caliber as the rest.

Kakashi knew, however, that Bisuke was attempting to alert him of Sayuri's approach. He must've been bored, waiting patiently for some action, resulting in the excited notification in front of him.

"She's finally moving, eh?" Kakashi leaned forward onto his knees and shifted his glance towards the door.

In hardly a moment, Sayuri had emerged from the glass door, looking extraordinarily pale and lifeless. Her eyes stared ahead of her blankly and she was walking almost robotically. She seemed as though she just placed under the mysterious hypnosis.

Kakashi snapped his fingers, ordering Bisuke to follow her as originally intended. The dog disappeared without a word.

As Kakashi moved to crouch on his feet, he considered engaging with Sayuri… perhaps running into her as though he were taking a quiet stroll alone. Yet he quickly dismissed the idea—he didn't have enough information about this hypnosis, and from his previous observation, victims seemed relatively cognizant of their surroundings and conversation. He didn't want to risk it. Besides, there was a larger issue at hand…

Masuyo's light had turned off.

All guards were up. Kakashi was absolutely certain that his chakra was guarded and could not be sensed; however, Masuyo seemed to be capable of the same. And such a suppression meant that he could not be adept at sensing other threats.

Masuyo could be anywhere… and if he had sensed even a smidge of Sakura's chakra, Kakashi was sure that he would be on alert.

For a moment, Kakashi was paralyzed—calculating his steps, attempting to formulate a plan. The problem was that he didn't know what Masuyo's aim was. He let Sayuri free, but why hypnotize her? Was it a trap? Maybe he knew that there was a shinobi perched outside. The lights could also be a trap—one to lure Kakashi into thinking the coast was clear and that he could roam about or investigate the administration building.

But it was just as possible that he was out here, scouting for intruders…

Kakashi's brows furrowed in frustration. He felt so close to necessary information—the very information they'd been waiting for for months!

Yet his lack of information was paralyzing—it was not wise to search without knowing what he was going into, especially if the enemy had been alerted of an outside presence. One mistake could blow their cover—a cover that was still salvageable if they would just lay low… One slip could possibly amount to nothing or cause a showdown right then and there… Kakashi and Sakura had clear instructions not to act without further orders…

He considered joining Akino and Bisuke at Sayuri's location, hiding out to wait for any potential activity, but he understood that Sayuri's home would be another potential danger zone, especially if Masuyo had released her as a trap.

He felt a wave of anger rising in his chest, seeping into the muscles of his neck, restraining a guttural groan of madness.

This was why he hated undercover infiltration missions. He more readily preferred the missions that put him in direct battle, allowed him to release himself in any means that was necessary for battle.

Undercover missions had too many parameters and just as many, if not double, the risk.

Civilians.

Gritting his teeth, Kakashi understood what he had to do: for the sake of mission completion, he would have to abandon his post… for now.

* * *

Kakashi left the school grounds and returned to the tree he had previously occupied outside of Zenhichi's shop.

It was completely dark now—the only source of lighting was the moon, the occasional lamp post, or lighted shop signage.

Standing atop the branch, Kakashi hastily bit his thumb and slapped his palm onto the tree. In an instant, and in a cloud of smoke, three ninken appeared.

"Kakashi?" Akino barked, instantly sitting on his hind legs, surely wondering why he'd been called from his post. Beside him, Bisuke sat attentively, wagging his tail energetically as he waited for instructions.

But of the three canines, it was Pakkun's arrival that seemed the most curious. He was groggy, looking around almost drowsily, as if he were taking longer than normal to gather his senses about his surroundings. Something was wrong with him.

Ignoring Akino's inquiry, Kakashi addressed Pakkun, "What happened?"

"Kakashi…?" Pakkun peered upwards, laying down and whimpering onto his paws. His face was scrunched, even more so than normal for the pug. "What…"

"I summoned you away. Pursuing Masuyo and Sayuri at this time, especially if he sensed Sakura, may jeopardize the mission. The school and Sayuri's house are potential danger zones for contact. We have to retreat."

With that command, all three dogs seated quietly, but only Bisuke continued to wag his tail.

"Masuyo," Pakkun grunted, then promptly returned to his whimper. "I can't figure him out."

"Explain."

"I was outside of the door, moving around to hide in various locations and seek an entry point or window… but all I could pick up was the scent of Sayuri, Masuyo's oaky smell… and whistling."

"Whistling?"

"He was whistling the entire time, Kakashi… and I remember feeling sleepy. I was awake and moving but I was… dreaming of… I can't remember."

Kakashi felt his sense of danger rise. Masuyo had hypnotized his ninken.

"Kakashi," Pakkun warned. "This isn't just hypnosis. This is some sort of hybrid. A genjutsu…"

"A sound shinobi?" Kakashi asked, almost baffled. They hadn't encountered a sound ninja since Sakura's chuunin exams… and from his knowledge, all of Orochimaru's villages had been monitored and put under new leadership.

"A sound shinobi," Pakkun confirmed. "with an unknown genjutsu ability."

This was something. Something to report. Sasuke could gather information from Orochimaru. Shikamaru would have to figure out how to counter this—would stuffing their ears work this time?

Honestly, Kakashi had been surprised that something so simple had worked back then in the first place. Shikamaru had blocked his ears with cotton yet was able to continue his conversation with his opponent. But those were the chuunin exams. This man could possibly be a jonin, for all he knew.

"Go home tonight. Take the night off," Kakashi ordered, his temples tense. "We can't continue our investigation tonight. He may have sensed Sakura through Katsuyu, and we don't know what his link is with those he has been able to put under genjutsu. I'll call you back when you're needed and when I deem it safe to proceed."

The dogs nodded silently and in an instant they were gone.

Kakashi turned to head home, his fists clenching as he moved through the trees, his jaw taut in utter frustration. Home was hardly a few minutes walk from Zenhichi's shop, and at this pace, he'd be there in only a moment.

He was not at all happy about this outcome. And he was going to do something about his mood.

Landing on the top steps of the stairs, Kakashi urgently opened the door, and almost slammed it behind him.

"Kakashi?" Sakura looked up from the bed, her eyes wide with alert. She was laying on the bed reading Icha Icha with her legs kicked into the air… she was definitely comfortable, wearing a loose pink tank top and white pajama shorts. Her red bra was visible through the straps, and her rosy hair was falling loosely over her shoulders.

He groaned inwardly, his anger morphing into a new kind of frustration.

"Get up," he ordered darkly, briskly walking towards her as he deposited his scarf and pulled off his sweater to reveal his grey t-shirt.

She obeyed his command with curious, yet almost fearful eyes. As she rose, her long her tumbled messily over her shoulder, settling and splaying over her chest.

"What's wrong?" she asked, worried over his entry.

Kakashi's eyes lowered to her chest—he frowned. Sakura had hardly straightened herself before Kakashi had roughly grabbed her wrist, pulled her towards him, and picked her up.

His hands were hoisting her up by ass, her legs wrapped tightly around his chest as her hand settled on his shoulders.

"Kaka—" He interrupted her question with a forceful, heated, kiss. She responded readily, slowly at first, and then picking up speed as the realization dawned on her.

He wanted to hear her moan.

And she did the moment he pressed her against the wall adjacent to the bed, right next to the window.

More.

His kisses picked up speed and his hands explored every inch of her leg, slinking into her shorts to grab her ass—hard.

She gasped in his mouth, and Kakashi yearned for more.

He backed his head away, holding her against the wall with his hands and his hips. Her body was jutting forward, shoulders pressed against the wall, groin resting right onto his cock.

She was breathing hard. He could feel her warmth right where he wanted it. He could smell it too, and it was driving him mad with desire.

He locked his eyes with hers, her eyebrows raised high, the look of worry morphing into an expression of pleading. She licked her lips, and Kakashi took is as an invitation to grriiiiinnnndddd himself slowly against her, moving to rub himself against her clit through the clothes.

"Unggghh…." she moaned, eyes rolling back in front of him.

He couldn't help give her an accomplished smirk. Yes…

"Sakura," he rasped, still moving his hips against her, his cock harder than it had ever been for foreplay. "Do you trust me?"

She bit her lip, moistening it before whispering, "Yes."

"Then take off your pants," he ordered, lowering his eyes with a hooded glance, waiting to see if she would obey.

And she did, somewhat hesitantly, of course, as this was new territory for them. Sakura hooked her thumb into the sides of her shorts and slowly began to pull downwards. She never broke eye contact with him as she slowly dragged her clothing down her body.

He wanted to see her undressing herself… but the moment he got what he asked for, he grew impatient. Needing to see her exposed, Kakashi swiftly curled his own fingers around the edge of her pants and pulled at it. For a moment, Kakashi allowed her legs to hit the floor so that she could slip a leg out of her shorts and hang it off the other, leaving it hanging off an ankle. As soon as her shorts were down, he hoisted her up onto his hips again.

Now, he could see her, smell her, uninhibited by a layer of clothing. Her wetness was smearing itself onto the fabric of his pants as he wildly pressed himself on her, and all he wanted was to be inside of her… ravaging her body until both of them found release.

But it wasn't time… the game. He said he wanted her to beg, and he meant it.

And so he took her from the wall and led her to the bed, her weight instantly pressing down onto his hips as his hands greedily grasped onto her ass. As they moved from the wall to the bed, her shorts and panties fell off of her ankle. Once they were on the mattress, she tried to lay down, but he held her body up to keep both of them on their knees as he continued kissing her, biting her lip and shoving his tongue into her mouth.

Kakashi placed his hands firmly on her bare hips, massaging her sides as he melded his mouth onto hers. But then he gripped harshly, and flipped her over so that she was on all fours.

Kakashi leaned back for a moment and marvelled at Sakura's bareness in front of him, her back stretched out as she held herself up on her arms. Never in all his days would he imagine to behold this sight, dripping with her arousal for him.

"Don't look," she whispered, seeming embarrassed with a tint of pink gracing her cheeks.

And although Kakashi thought that she was beautiful and wanted nothing more than to be buried inside her, he simply leaned forward, pressing himself against her again as his back lay directly onto hers, his body caging her in over the bed, and his mouth just a hair away from your ear.

"Grab onto the headboard," Kakashi commanded, his voice deep and rich. "Hold yourself up."

Sakura began to move on her own, but he found himself sliding his hands down her arms as he left her butterfly kisses on her cheek. Once his hands met her wrists, he lifted them up and stretched them out to place her hands onto the rim of the headboard.

Her knees were planted firmly onto the bed and Kakashi used his knees to push her forward. Once she was splayed out in front of him, her back arched and her bare ass pressed against erection, his hands slid sensually down up her arms. One hand traced the outline of her body and rested on her hip. The other slithered its way into the strap of her tank top and into her bra, getting a handful of her breasts as he squeezed and then reached to roll a nipple.

He was awarded with a throaty moan. God, that was exactly what he wanted to hear. And so he couldn't help himself… Kakashi started blowing hot air onto her neck, and Sakura almost whimpered in response.

"Sakura," Kakashi whispered below her ear, offering her butterfly kisses on the top of her shoulder, moving up towards her neck. "I know you like it when I bite your neck…"

And before she had even a moment to answer, he had bit down to suck on the dip between neck and shoulder, leaving red skin and teeth marks. He was still kneading and twirling a nipple in his left hand, fingers playing under the her bra.

"Ye-ungghh!" she moaned, exhaling heavily and rocking her hips backwards to press on his cock with her ass again. She began to rub herself against him. "It's… your fault…I like it so much…"

He knew it now. When Sakura would stretch and spoon a little too closely with his hips in the morning, she really did want to feel how hard he was. But he wanted to feel her arousal too…

He gave her what she wanted. With his cock pressed flush against her ass, he rolled his hips harshly as if he was fucking her from the back. She yelped as he pinched her and shoved his hardness against her. As they rocked against each other, as her slickness soaked through the layer of his pants, he could feel the tingle of pleasure on his length, he could almost imagine he was inside of her.

The finger gripping onto her hip began to crawl closer and closer to her center, reaching over from behind her, tickling past her tuft of hair until finally ghosting over her folds, which were nothing short of dripping…

She gave a ragged gasp and held her breath in anticipation, her rocking movement ceased, waiting for his fingers.

"Sakura," Kakashi groaned in her ear, nibbling as his fingers traced the skin of her drenched lips. He dipped a finger between them, instantly hitting her clit and eliciting a yelp of surprised pleasure. "You're so wet…"

As his fingers moved, Sakura had no other response but a series of long and short moans, loud panting, and held breaths. He watched her from the side of her face; her mouth dropped open in empty "ohhhs" and her body bucked and convulsed against him with each circular movement of his finger. Although she had been propping herself up in front of him, her body jerked from front to back, head dipping in and out of the space between her arms. Her hair was loose and getting caught between them, and the longer he touched her the more sweat their bodies produced in the heat. And in their movements, all he could smell was the alluring scent of her arousal, calling to his body to fulfill her needs.

And then Sakura released the headboard with her right hand and slid it down his right arm to match his movements; her fingers were just above his as he rolled his finger over her clit… until suddenly, she curled her fingers around his palm and grasped it tightly, physically urging his hand to move lower…

"Please…" Sakura whimpered, throwing her head back into the space between his neck and shoulder, tilting her head to leave messy nips on his jaw.

"God..." Kakashi growled. Seeing her ask for more drove him crazy. It amazed him just how sexy Sakura could be, and he wondered if she knew it. He couldn't help but lean forward to tilt his head and catch her lips in his.

With this, he finally released her breasts and slid his left hand down to pull the back of her shirt up, exposing her back so that he could clutch onto her skin. And as his lips and tongue melded with hers in messy bursts, he allowed his fingers to be led further downward until he could curl two into her slit.

The reaction was instantaneous. She released his lips and almost screamed in pleasure; he could feel her walls tighten around his fingers as he pulled them in and out. He knew that she must already be close to orgasm from rubbing her.

"Already, Sakura-chan?" he asked amused, though his voice was still gruff and clouded by desire for the ass rubbing furiously against him.

"Shut up, Kakashi," she snapped. It was a reaction he hadn't expected, but it caused a playful growl from him.

"Ah, I'm sorry… well don't let me keep you for your ecstasy…" he mumbled into her ear, biting her lobes, and then shifting his glance to watch the "O"s fall from her lips… He then shifted downward to leave butterfly kisses on the side of her neck and down her spine over the shirt.

And then Sakura shifted her hips away from his and to the right, and he no longer was pressing his erection against her. Her body was closer to his right hand now, giving him easy access as wrapped his arm around her right side to finger her. She switched her arms and used her right hand to prop herself up on the headboard.

Suddenly, she swung her left hand behind her to grab onto Kakashi's hip. He looked at her curiously, not once ceasing his movements. Sakura's face hardened for a moment and looked up at him with mischievous eyes beneath her lashes. As her body her bucked, her lips curled into a smirk as she bit the bottom lip, followed by her hands sliding into the waistband of his pants.

He instantly knew what this was. And for God's sake, he didn't have it in him to refuse.

Her hand roamed to his back, and she gripped onto the waistband, tugging it down to rest just beneath the curve of his ass. Then her hands moved over to the frontside, pulling the band forward to avoid catching on his erection. Naturally, his fingers paused their movements.

Once he was exposed to the cool air, he couldn't help but smirk at her boldness.

But even more surprisingly, Sakura used her left hand, swiped her wetness, and used it to lubricate him. In one swift motion, she curled her fingers and palm around him and pumped—longggg and slowwww….

"Oh fuuucccckkkk…." he hissed, incredibly turned on by the prospect of Sakura using her own juices to get him off.

As she jerked her hand around him, he buried his face into her hair, into the nape of her neck, clamping his eyes shut as the sound of wet movement filled the air.

But despite the pleasure Sakura's hand was giving him, he was committed against faltering. His fingers moved in and out of her slit in tempo with her hand, both of them panting, shuddering, and jerking in pleasure. Kakashi arm around her and reaching over to the front, curling his fingers inside of her, attempting to hit the right places as he focused to keep his wits about him. Occasionally, she would reach down to lubricate him again.

And just when he thought they were in a steady rhythm, just when he thought Sakura couldn't surprise him any further, her free hand—the right one—trickled down into her own folds to rub her own clit as he fingered her…

Her walls clamped down around his fingers immediately, and once again Sakura threw her head back into a moan, panting harder than ever. Suddenly, her movements were wilder, her body growing tighter, her hips gyrating onto his fingers in a steady motion. And what more was that her hand was moving faster, bring him closer and closer to orgasm, leading the pressure to collect in his groin.

"Sak…ura," Kakashi grunted out, biting once again on her earlobe after whispering. "Come… come now…"

He almost felt the twitch of her insides. Her head was nested into his neck and her body stopped bucking in front of him. She held her breath. Her eyes were closed yet her mouth dropped open.

She was so sexy…

Kakashi slowed the movement of his fingers to ensure he could feel every. single. convulsion. of her body as she came.

And then she inhaled sharply, refusing to release it until her walls began to contract sporadically around his fingers, almost sucking them in, wrapping tightly around what should have been him inside of her. Naturally, as she was unraveling, her hand paused on his member.

Sakura moaned loudly and panted sharply—she had no restraint in her voice, and as the contractions subsided, so did the volume of her cry.

When she was done, her back went limp and she leaned forward, grasped onto the headboard to catch her breath—her chest heaving in front of him—as she slowly resumed her movements.

"Kakashi," she whispered, almost out of breath. "I want you to come too."

He had no response to this—only the kisses he left on her back as she pulled his hand out of her, and his harsh breath through gritted teeth.

Once she had regained her strength, Sakura straightened her body and pushed her back against his chest until he was kneeling straight up behind her. She released both his cock and the headboard in order to turn around to face him and then slide herself down and in between his legs. As she slid against the mattress, her shirt had ridden up to expose her stomach. She was on her back, Kakashi was essentially straddling her, and she was looking up at him with sultry eyes and parted lips, propping herself up with one elbow. The other grasped him again to continue jerking him off.

"Lean forward," she urged sweetly, and Kakashi had no objections to her suggestion. Her hands were so soft, her movements moderately skillful, yet amazing because this was Sakura, the object of his desire for weeks, perhaps even months. To add to that, she looked so fucking hot under him and between his legs without any pants, shirt disheveled, hair messy over her shoulders.

And so he did what he was told and watched her determined expressed. He leaned forward placed an arm just beside each side of her arms, propping himself up to hover over her body as Sakura leaned forward to kiss him on the lips. As their mouths melded together, tongues dancing between their teeth, her hands picked up speed, and Kakashi couldn't help but groan into her mouth. His eyes clamped shut as his breathing hitched.

She was so good, and he was so close… he could feel the tightness forming, and his cock was just so hard…

"Kakashi, come on me…" Sakura whispered quietly.

His eyes snapped open in surprise, but he saw the look of assurance on her face.

"It's okay," she smiled. "I want you to."

And that was all he needed. Right before he was about to come, he smashed his mouth onto hers and began to bite the bottom of her lip. He felt himself stiffen in Sakura closed fist. With a deciding jerk, the first spurt of his cum spurted right onto her stomach as a wave of pleasure overcame him.

"Oh…. Goddddddddd!" he groaned loudly and gritted his teeth. "Unnhhh…."

With just a few more gentle pumps of her hand, Kakashi spilled his seed all over her, some of it shooting onto her chest, most of it spraying onto her shirt or the smooth skin of her stomach… He dropped his head and clamped his eyes shut as he felt her hand slow it's pace against his softening member.

When it was over, he was still panting above her. Sakura had lowered herself onto the bed and was fully resting on her back with a loving and completely pacified smile on her face.

"Are you alright now?" she asked sweetly, reaching up with her right to wrap her clean hand around his neck, digging it into his silver hair. She caressed the nape of his neck with her thumb.

"More than okay," he responded hoarsely, smiling in return, peering down at her as he hovered above her. Yet with his release, he realized that he was much too brash, too sudden, too forceful. He was worried that Sakura wasn't really okay with it.

"I'm sorry… I was too forward. Are you…"

"I'm not mad," she assured him quietly. Her expression and tone seemed genuine. "We both needed that… and I wanted to do that for you."

"Thank you," he said, and then he lowered his head to kiss her gently and rolled over to her side.

"Now… why don't we clean up? And then you can tell me what happened today that upset you so much."

As he lay on his back, Kakashi turned his head to look at the woman beside her… a beautiful, caring, sexy, and sweet Sakura. How anyone could mistreat a woman like her, he didn't know. But even if he had come on too strongly, she had accepted him with open arms, even thinking of him as she welcomed him.

There was so much love in her smile, such caring sweetness…

"Okay," he replied, getting up to grab a towel for her, and thinking of all the ways to tell her about their mission progress for the day.

Maybe, for now, she would bloom for him… and he could be happy that it happened at all, dealing with his impending loneliness later.

He loved this woman, even if she belonged to another man.


	29. Chasing the Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New A/N: And now we are caught up! Woo! It took me forever to transfer all of these off of fanfiction.net... Happy to be done!

Not once had Sayuri turned around to speak.

She had not even made eye contact with Sakura as she arrived in class. She didn't respond to Itsuki's excited chatter nor the death of his enthusiasm when he was left unreceived by her.

Sayuri stared straight ahead into space, leaving everything in her immediate surroundings without acknowledgement.

Empty. Her eyes were a void, her already puny voice absent entirely as if she were simply a vessel.

And even when Imada-sensei called her name, furrowed her brow in concern, the only response was a silent turn of the head in her direction.

"Okay…" Imada-sensei said hesitantly, walking away slowly to approach the guest seated in the middle of the room.

A woman had been sitting on a stool wearing black tights and a tank top. She had a velvety green shawl that was elegantly draped over her shoulders. Her chestnut hair was rolled tightly into a bun in order to expose her elongated neck and to keep the focus on the shawl. She looked cold; the heavy fabric was not enough to shield her from the chilly air, which was growing colder as the season transitioned from late fall to winter.

"I picked this shawl because of how nicely velvet falls and the slight nuances of color variation depending on where it folds," she explained cheerily. "The style is realism. Your task is to  _paint_  it, of course, capturing all of the shadows, highlights, and color changes as it falls onto the body. Try your best."

And then Imada-sensei clapped. It was her signal to begin, which sent all four students into a series of different approaches. Meanwhile, sensei went to look for a space heater.

Yuuto immediately took hold of his palette and grabbed a dark green tube of paint. His attention alternated between the model and his paint tube. Sakura imagined that Yuuto was musing about how to make this realist piece a little more melancholic than realism allowed. Itsuki, on the other hand, grabbed a pencil and started chewing on the eraser. He seemed more concerned about everything  _but_  his task, and was staring blankly at his canvas as he chewed. Sayuri, on the other hand, despite her robotic state, picked up her brush and worked her magic. Within a moment, she already had the major base of the apple green and was applying a forest green as the shadows.

Imada-sensei had found a space heater and had turned it on to warm the room. Additionally, she had begun to play something like classical lobby music to "stimulate the mind" and-more realistically-to drown out the silence and white noise of the heater.

Sakura felt as though this was the time to talk to her-Sayuri was always a little more lively when she began to paint. She began to prepare herself to move over. Picking up her own palette, she smeared some primary colors, but mostly various shades of green and beige.

With hopeful eyes, Sakura lifted herself from her stool, then shifted her canvas, palette, and sketching pencil to the opposite end of her workstation-directly behind Sayuri's back. Afterwards, she dragged the the stool with a screeching sound, causing her classmates to peer upwards.

"Sayuri," Sakura whispered as she leaned back,  _almost_  touching her shoulder.

"Yes?" Sayuri responded quietly, unemotionally… but it was  _something_.

"I'll never get over how you work so quickly. You already have something amazing on your canvas."

No response.

Sakura collected herself for a moment, pencil sliding lightly over the canvas as she traced the shape of the model's body until she was ready to try again.

"So… what happened after you left with Masuyo that day? I haven't seen you since. Are you okay?"

"Masuyo has been helping me grow as an artist." Sayuri's voice sent a chill down Sakura's spine. She knew this sound-it was absolutely the same tone as those who had been hypnotized before. "I am indebted to him for his support."

She didn't even have to look at Sayuri to know what her expression was. She paused and picked up her paint to outline the body in a tan color.

"Are you meeting him again today?"

"Yes."

Then Sakura heard the faint thump of a fist hitting the table. Her attention followed the sound to see Itsuki clenching his fists and baring his teeth in a jealous rage.

 _This poor boy_ , Sakura thought.

"Will you have time for our session again tomorrow?"

"No."

This time Sakura could almost feel Itsuki's emotions. It wasn't as strong as his, but at the very least, she began to feel the loss of a  _friend_. Sayuri wasn't  _here_  anymore, even if she was in front of them. But  _his_  loss  _almost_  reminded her of her own previously unrequited love, reaching out for Sasuke and feeling like she would never amount to anything in his eyes.

She was sad for Itsuki.

"Sayuri," Sakura breathed out, forcing a chipper tone as she applied a base green to the shawl. Maybe she was in there somewhere. "Don't forget about your friends! It's healthy to maintain both your friendships and your-"

"I love him," Sayuri interrupted. "He's the only one I need."

Other than the clatter of Itsuki dropping everything he held in his hand, a loud silence descended over the room-even above the sound of the heater and the faint electric music.

Sakura's eyes wandered in Itsuki's as a side-glance. She didn't want it to be obvious that she was checking in on him. His head was slightly tipped back, eyebrows scrunched as he looked up at the ceiling, and his lips formed a tight line as his chest seemed to heave. And then she shifted her attention to Yuuto, who was already waiting for her to look at him as he shook his head.

She didn't know what he was trying to say to her, and so they stared at each other sternly for about 10 seconds, communicating absolutely nothing. Then she turned her attention to her work.

Because the was a body involved, Sakura found herself easily able to focus on the task. The arms were taking a dimensional shape due to the shadows and the highlights, her neck and jawline were developed and elegant under her brush, the hands which rested above each other on her lap looked delicate-it was just the shawl she had to work on. Maybe she would leave this part for Sai…

Suddenly they heard the click of the doorknob, and the sliding of the studio door in time with the metal screech of Imada-sensei's chair as she stood to acknowledge the visitor-an older, balding, administrative man in a navy blue yukata jacket. He didn't seem much more expressive than Sayuri did.

Imada-sensei greeted him with a courteous bow.

"Hello," the man spoke amicably in her direction, portraying a false sense of friendliness. "I'm simply here to make rounds and observe. Don't mind me."

Sensei nodded and sat down and Sakura moved herself to her proper seating at her station, facing front. His path begins with Itsuki, who honestly hadn't made much progress and so he quickly left his table. The man had sputtered a few  _hmms_  at Yuuto's workstation before moving onto Sakura's where he stood silently behind her, making no comment or indication of his pleasure.

With the tension  _already_  in the room, Sakura couldn't help but feel dread in response to his presence; it was as though this visitation forebode something that would be unwelcome. Like the other afflicted citizens, he seemed like a vessel too-controlled by some outward influence.

As he moved along to Sayuri, the man didn't even hesitate to crouch and bring his mouth straight to her ear. Sakura watched him closely. The man smiled as he whispered something unintelligible to everyone else. It was the first expression she'd seen from this man, and it sent a shiver down her spine to see it happen so close to Sayuri.

At that very moment, Itsuki stood up angrily, making sure everything around him made noise as he went. Itsuki regarded the man with eyes of both warning and worry. As the man stood straight, not once did Itsuki break eye contact.

"Sensei," Itsuki called out sternly, not moving to shift his cautionary gaze. "Sorry, but I'm just not in the mood for this crap."

And then he stuffed his hands in his pockets and stormed out, slamming the door behind him as he went.

Sakura's eyes went into a flurry to gauge the reactions. She first looked at sensei, who seemed instantly worried and a little sullen. Then looked at Yuuto who had leaned back and crossed his arms. He shrugged his shoulders in her direction before turning back to his canvas, seeming somewhat unaffected but surely bothered by the tension. Sayuri, however, made no move, no flinch for the troubled affection of her childhood friend.

The man, however, gave a wider smile. "Imada-sama," he began. "Please forgive my intrusion. I will take my leave. Most of your students are doing well."

"Thank you," she replied softly. Then the man made his exit.

* * *

The moment class ended, Sayuri silently packed her things and left. The model's departure was not too far behind. And with each slide of the door came the strong gust of cold air.

Sakura wished above everything else in that moment that Katsuyu was there, and that they had the ninken to chase after both Sayuri and Itsuki, but she understood at they were currently at a disadvantage-unable to access some of the very specialized skills that put them above the average jonin.

If she  _had_  the summons available, she would have had Katsuyu inform Bisuke to follow Itsuki and Pakkun or Akino to follow both Sayuri and the administrative man.

But as a presently limited jonin, she only had herself and Kakashi-when she could get to him. It was back to the basics and it hadn't occurred to her just how  _naked_  a jonin could really feel during a long term undercover mission.

As Sakura began to pack her things, she looked at her painting to see the stark contrast in her ability to paint bodies, and her ability to paint clothing.

"The body looks  _way_  better than your shawl does," Yuuto said from behind her. He was already packed, bag slung over his shoulder.

"Thanks, I'm aware," she replied sarcastically, picking up her bag and canvas as she looked at him with an annoyed face.

Instead of responding, Yuuto nudged his head in the direction of the door. He seemed to suggest that he follow her so that they could talk.

"I'll meet you outside," Sakura said quietly. "I'd like to speak to sensei first."

He shrugged and made his way outside. Sakura's skin pricked as the door let the warm air out and welcomed the cold.

"Sensei," Sakura asked as she slowly approached her desk, rubbing her arm to warm herself. She looked up, clearly in a somber mood. "I… know that you and Sayuri used to be close. I could tell from when Sayuri addressed you by your first name. I haven't known Sayuri for very long, but I thought we were becoming friends…"

Sensei sighed heavily and leaned back onto her chair with her eyes closed, brows curled upwards in a look of worry.

"What's wrong with her...?" Sakura asked lightly.

"Akiyama-san, I just… don't know…" Sensei responded hesitantly, crossing her arms and looking down at her lap.

Sakura intuitively knew that she was lying. Sensei was avoiding her gaze, fiddling her thumbs, keeping things short.

"If you don't mind, can I ask how you know each other?"

At this, Sensei looked up with a slight smile, meeting Sakura's eyes and seemed genuine. "I used to babysit Itsuki and Sayuri together… when her parents were out of town and her grandmother was too ill and elderly to care for her."

Imada-sensei looked away again, her eyes softening as she seemed to reminisce about fond memories.

"And… this Masuyo. She told me he summons her sometimes. When did this start…? Is he a good man?"

The soft look was instantly replaced with something like fleeting fear before she regained her facial composure.

"Of course," she replied dubiously. "Masuyo-sama is among the best of us. He took interest in her when the reputation of her painting skills made it to his desk."

Strangely enough, Imada-sensei  _did not_  seem like she was hypnotized to say this. She was saying it on her own accord. Whether or not she was lying, however, was another story.

What was she hiding? What did she know that she wasn't willing to disclose?

"But… she seems so  _different_  after she sees him. What does he want with her?"

"Akiyama-san, Masuyo-sama has nothing but the best interest in mind. He wants to help her realize her dreams."

Sensei's eyes flashed a look of determination, as if she believed what she was saying, but most of all, as if she was pleading to end this conversation.

Sakura knew then that she would not get anything else out of her, and it wasn't wise to press.

"I see… Well thanks, sensei. See you tomorrow."

Sensei did not respond as Sakura let herself out.

And as the cold air enveloped her body, she heard Yuuto shuffling his weight to stand straight. He had been leaning against the wall.

"Don't bother with this," Yuuto warned sternly.

Sakura's eyes widened in wonder and curiosity.

"What are you-"

"There's no use in getting involved." Yuuto turned his back to her as he began to walk away. Sakura felt that he knew she would follow him to ask more.

"Involved in what? Can't I just be worried about a friend?"

"Don't you think things are getting a little weird around here?" Yuuto rubbed his hands together to warm them, then blew onto them before stuffing them into his pocket. "Sayuri fading in and out of herself, Itsuki acting like a sick puppy, and sensei seeming so upset?"

Sakura had caught up to him and fell in line beside him. They were walking out of the courtyard and towards the main square. "Of course I do. That's why I'm asking about it."

"It seems like we're the only  _normal_  ones here… and you're not even an artist."

 _What?_  Sakura felt her stomach drop. She'd been worried that her cover was blown for some time. Maybe Yuuto  _knew_? Regardless, Sakura felt the need to defend herself.

"I told you," she admonished. "I'm just here to learn."

Yuuto chuckled almost arrogantly, or at least it seemed as so to Sakura since he was clearly going to criticize her. "I've been doing this all my life," he began. "and I know a complete novice when I see one. It's likely that Sayuri-heck, even  _sensei_  noticed too. Itsuki is too lovestruck to notice."

"And so what if I'm a novice?" Sakura countered in an annoyed tone. Their relationship was really quite informal-he was just so rude. "I just want to learn."

"Listen," he sighed, continuing to look forward as they walked. "I don't care why you're here or if you're really here to learn, but this is something normal people don't get involved in."

The use of the word  _normal_  sent her into a mini-panic.

"I don't understand. What are you trying to say?"

"There's something weird about this school, Haruna. It's not just this class. I've seen it in other classes, I've heard it through other students. It happened to other students, not just Sayuri-and it's always the really  _great_  ones."

He paused for a moment. Sakura looked up at him, waiting for him to continue.

"The good ones get summoned, they come back quiet, and then they  _disappear_ -off to their magical business somewhere out in the promised land of Masuyo Institute."

This was important information. Perhaps this is what Imada-sensei was hiding-that students regularly disappear. The guise of business ventures was skillful and surely enough to keep suspecting students and villagers doubtful enough.

"If you think something is wrong here, why do you stay?" Sakura asked curiously.

"Because my family sacrificed a lot to send me here. The plan is to stay average until the end… til I can go home and kick off my father's dream."

"A painting business?"

"No," he chuckled. "My major is wood-working. He wants to start a furniture business to ride the wave of development in larger villages. I'm taking this class for personal enjoyment. And credits."

"Oh," was all she could say in response.

"If I were you, I'd lay low Haruna-san-not that they'd choose you for skill anyway, but don't stick your nose into it. If you're not in this for the long haul, I suggest you cut this expensive  _learning_  adventure of yours so that you and your husband can invest your energy somewhere else."

* * *

When she and Yuuto parted ways, she found herself heading towards the bakery. She had never been to the local bakery before, but she asked civilians and store keepers as she went. Soon, the smell of fresh bread filled the air, and she felt she could follow her nose as if she were a ninken.

She giggled at the thought and wondered if Kakashi ever felt like this.

The bakery seemed like an older storefront-one that had been around for a long time-and simply had a wooden sign in the shape of a bread to signal their goods. It had a small glass display window and a heavy wooden door.

When Sakura entered, she heard the jingle of the bell, and Itsuki's head rose from the counter.

"How did you find me?" he asked indifferently. He ran his hand through his wavy brown hair and then rested his chin on his palm.

"Sayuri once told me that your family owned the local bakery," Sakura replied kindly, offering him a smile despite his disinterest. "Can we talk?"

"No, I'm working."

"Ah, I just… saw how upset you were when you stormed out, and I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."

Suddenly, a plump woman with brown hair tied into a high bun poked her head out of the door to the kitchen.

"Itsuki-kun! A customer? Hello miss!"

"No, oka-san," he called back as he stood, shooting Sakura a glance to signal that he didn't want his mother . "A classmate. We have a project together. I'll be back. She just wants to talk about it."

"Alright!" his mother called, retreating to the back once again. Itsuki made his way around the counter, motioning Sakura to follow him outside.

"My mom doesn't need to worry about me," he said as soon as the door shut, leaning his back against the wall beside the entry.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it so loud."

"It's not your fault," he sighed, crossing his arms and closing his eyes.

There was a moment of silence between them as Sakura stood in front of Itsuki's unmoving frame.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.

"I'm afraid for her…" Itsuki exhaled heavily and ran his fingers through his hair again. She saw him look up and to the left-not really focusing on anything-then clench his jaw as he swallowed.

Sakura waited.

"Yuri-chan used to be so full of energy. She was quiet, but that's what was sweet about her. Her laugh would light up a room… But then she started seeing Masuyo, and she started to change. I know that something is  _wrong_  between them, he's got to be doing something to her!"

His fists clenched as he dropped it against the wall, producing a thud.

"I've been trying so hard to get Sayuri's spark back, but nothing is working, Haruna-san… I feel like Sayuri is slipping farther and farther away from me…"

Sakura felt the ache in her chest. She  _remembered_ … she felt just like this when she watched Sasuke spiral out of control in their childhood, when she couldn't do anything to stop the hatred festering in his heart, when she couldn't stop him from leaving Konoha, when she couldn't convince him to come home, when she began dreaming of a life that eluded her to this day.

"You really love her, don't you?" Sakura whispered.

"It's that obvious, huh?" Itsuki looked up and smiled at her weakly, and for the first time, Sakura saw him as a mature man in his twenties-one who felt deeply and was trying to make sense of it-not the loud, silly boy she thought she knew in class.

"I'd do anything for Sayuri to be herself again… Even punch Masuyo square in the face, but it's hard to find him. I never know exactly where he is or when he'll be in town again."

"He doesn't live here?"

"No. He only shows up to see her for a short time, she gets weird, and then he disappears. Why do you think he sends his henchmen to scout? All of this shit started when that guy came to class for the first time and found her. She hasn't been the same since."

* * *

Kakashi re-read the scroll he had prepared for Sai's arrival.

"Report from Takumi. Perpetrator may be a high level sound shinobi. Dark green hair. May possess unknown sound genjutsu. Able to erect low-emitting chakra barrier. Cannot infiltrate. Send shinobi from barrier division. Investigate Otokagure and gather intelligence from Tenzou and Orochimaru. Send for Sasuke."

As much as Kakashi inwardly dreaded Sasuke's return, he understood that it was likely necessary. Part of the reason that Naruto had reinstated them was due to the shortage of jonin in the post-war peace era. Many had died during the war, established jonin were retiring, and the youth didn't feel the same  _pull_  to become a shinobi. As such, Kakashi knew that Naruto did not have shinobi to spare, especially given the involvement of three neo-legendary jonin in a long-term infiltration mission.

With that conclusion, he rolled up the scroll and left it on the table, thinking  _again_  of the circumstances surrounding his illicit affair with Sasuke's wife.

And as if on cue, Sakura unlocked and walked into the door looking incredibly exhausted, her shoulders hanging and mouth drooping into a frown.

"Kaka-shiiiii," she whined, depositing her bag and canvas by the door and immediately sulking in his direction.

He watched her with amusement as she pouted and reached for his hand, pulling him off of the chair and lifting his arm to embrace her. He took the hint and slid his arms around her waist, kissing her forehead through his mask, and nuzzling his nose into her hair as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Hey," he greeted softly after the physical exchange was over.

She made no move to let him go, nor any indication that she wanted him to release her. They continued standing, holding each other as Sakura pressed her cheek against his chest.

"I've had a really emotionally draining day…" Sakura's hands moved from his neck down to his arms, grasping him tightly as they took a moment of silence. "Did you finish the scroll?"

"Yeah," he responded into her hair, rubbing her waist with his hands to comfort her. "And I hate to add to your burden right now, but I think we have to rethink some of our strategies."

Sakura looked up and pouted again, her lip poking forward. Kakashi couldn't help but chuckle. She released his arms and the pulled away from him, walking toward the dresser to change out of her clothes for the day.

As she dug through the dresser, she asked, "What are you thinking?"

"Well," Kakashi sighed, moving to the bed to lay down on his back, "I think it's time to call Sasuke back... and it's really time to ask Sai to stay."

She was quiet as she pulled off her shirt and replaced it with one of her pajama shirts.

"Without the animals, we have to rethink rotations. We are either working or in class, and then we have rotations. It isn't sustainable for just the two of us to do this without affecting the quality of our mission roles," he said. "We need to rest too."

Kakashi reached for a pillow and fluffed it before placing it behind his back. He was leaning back on the headboard with his arm behind his head, and his legs crossed over the mattress.

"So you're thinking that Sai can take the night shift while we are here resting," she suggested.

Kakashi nodded, and he watched Sakura walk towards him as she tied her hair into a messy ponytail. She climbed onto the bed and he felt the mattress give to her weight.

"And speaking of sustainable schedules," she added, pulling herself onto his right arm and nuzzling into his shoulder. She draped a leg over his. "Maybe you should drop your poetry class. The idea originally came up as a cover when I was scouting, but I think it might be a good idea. It would allow you to focus on just  _two_  things instead of  _three._ "

"Hmm…" Kakashi hummed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her closer. "I think you mean  _three_  instead of  _four_."

"And what's the third?" she asked, tilting her chin to look up at him.

"I wonder…" he said softly. He reached up to lower his mask before taking her chin in his hand and kissing her briefly. And when he broke away, he continued. "If you think that's best… and it probably is. The poetry class hasn't resulted in much information."

"It hasn't," she said decidedly, and then she suddenly sat up beside him. "And Kakashi,  _something_  is happening here and we have to help these people!"

Her eyebrows furrowed in front of him and her first balled into her lap.

Kakashi chuckled in response to her impassioned demeanor.

"What's so amusing, huh?"

"There she is…" he laughed softly. Sakura tilted her head in curiosity, pouting playfully as if she were angry.

"The furiously passionate Sakura is back."

He could tell that Sakura tried to rein in a smile as she picked up a pillow to toss it at his face.

"Hey!" he said jokingly, putting hands up to signal surrender, "Relax. Even pillows are dangerous from your hands."

Sakura simply huffed in response. Kakashi smiled and softly coaxed her to return to his arms.

"Come here."

Sakura wiggled on the mattress to her original position, and then she whispered, "Kakashi, something bad is going to happen to Sayuri… we have to save her."

Kakashi pulled her in tighter and left her a flurry of butterfly kisses on her forehead. "We will," he said.

Hearing the sad helplessness in her voice, knowing that something upsetting happened during the day, made Kakashi feel as though he should comfort her somehow. Loosening his grip on her body, he shifted his weight so that he could sit upright and behind her. Putting pressure on her back with his palm, he urged her to sit up straight. Afterwards, his fingers trailed up her spine before resting on her shoulders.

When he pressed on her skin, he felt her tense for a moment and then relax under his touch. He began to knead, massaging her powerfully with his palm and thumb.

"You're good at this," she cooed quietly, her eyes closing and head rolling back in his direction.

"Mmm," he affirmed. "I didn't observe the Hyuuga target chakra pressure points for nothing… not that I can pull of their sealing fist."

In all actuality, he didn't  _really_  observe the Hyuuga as their specialty could only be used with the byakugan. He'd simply said it to be clever in some way, but Sakura seemed to see right past it.

"Ah, so you had  _not only_  the specialization of the sharingan, but now that byakugan too?"

"You got me," he chuckled, rolling his palm on her shoulders. "I thought I might impress you."

"You're trying to bamboozle the wrong girl, Kakashi," she smirked as she loosened within his hands.

"Who said anything about bamboozling? I'm just a foolish man trying unsuccessfully to woo a woman," replied Kakashi as his fingered pressed a hard trail all the way down her spine. No matter where his fingers landed, she felt so soft...

"Mmmm…" she almost moaned.

 _Uh-oh_ , he thought. He thought he'd smelt Sakura's excitement, and that sound almost confirmed it for him.

"I don't know about unsuccessful…" she breathed. "but I think it's my turn to woo you. Lay down."

* * *

Even though she loved the feeling of Kakashi's fingers on her body, Sakura moved forward to signal for him to stop.

Kakashi obeyed and moved to lay flat on his stomach, crossing his arms above his head to nestle in the gap between them, but that wouldn't do.

"Ah!" she called out sternly. "Take off your shirt."

He moved his head to peek at her though a side-glance. She could tell he was smirking under his arm. He then lifted himself momentarily as he lifted his arm, reached for a bundle of cloth at the nape of his neck and pulled upwards.

Sakura watched every rippled muscle in motion, every movement of his defined back, resulting in her favorite messy hair.

Once he was back in position, Sakura swung a leg over his butt and straddled him. With his arms stretched above him, she could see the tightly pulled muscles, and even though he was covered in scratches and scars, he was beautiful.

His body was just so enticing and she couldn't help herself. She wanted to touch him. Would this sight ever get old?

Sakura's hands had first rested at the base of his spine before she slowly began to slide them up. As she went, her fingertips delicately grazed over the raised scarring.

She thought of every story that could be possibly associated with these scars… and again, Sakura was taken away by her awe of the man beneath her. Sakura used to idolize this man… he had been so strong, so far above her, and so untouchable, yet here he was, years later, conceding to her fingertips.

She smiled softly, forgetting her task. Instead, she began to trace everything on his back, and as she did so, she thought about all of the times that this back had guarded her, protected her from harm. She thought of the war, his fight with Obito, wondered what other bodily traumas Kakashi must have endured to  _earn_  a back like this one.

Finally, Sakura slid her palms all the way up to grasp onto his trapezius muscles. As her fingers glided on his skin, she heard his muffled groan in his arms.

Pleased with herself, she began to mimic the hand movements Kakashi did on her.

"Careful," he joked from the cavity of his arms. "Don't use any chakra on me. You might just break me in half."

"Ha! Very funny," she snickered sarcastically. "But I'm going to use as much chakra as I want on you and I'm going to make you like it."

Before he could answer, Sakura decided to  _actually_  channel some chakra into her fingers, sending jolts into his muscles to relax him further as she pressed into him.

"Sak-oooh…" he groaned, unable to finish his thought. Surely, she guessed, he was going to comment on her chakra usage, but he couldn't stress under her touch, even if he tried.

That was the magic of her medical skills if she chose to use it in this way.

"Don't worry," she whispered, calming him. "It's hardly enough chakra to alert anyone. Less than I use to summon Katsuyu…"

And then he was silent as she worked. Her hands glided back up toward his neck, and she began to think of the likeness of her paintings to the real thing.  _Nothing,_  she concluded, could live up to the marvel of the body beneath her. She felt her cheeks grow warm from her irresistible attraction to him and the breathy groans that she elicited from her movements.

She wanted more… and suddenly, her mind switched into auto-pilot.

"Sit up for me," she asked quietly, moving off of his body to kneel beside him.

Kakashi did so without question, but raised an eyebrow in her direction. She wondered if he could smell her. She knew that touching him made her wet, and she had felt it gliding between her when she moved… and before she knew it, her hands were back on his traps, kneading twice before one hand creeped further forward, sliding over his collarbone, down past his pecks, trickling over every mound of his abdominal muscles until…

"Sakura-chan," Kakashi rasped quietly, grasping onto her wrist. For a moment, Sakura felt herself flinch, and his call brought her mind back to Sasuke… She gasped and froze in his hand as if she were in a self-protective shock.

"You want more already?" he asked slyly, instantly allowing her to relax. She felt him pull her onto her knees and forward so that her head was just beside his over his shoulder. He began to kiss her on the temple and felt him smiling against her skin.

 _Kakashi isn't like Sasuke_ … she thought to herself, dismissing any negative thought about this interaction.  _He wouldn't do that to me…_

Sakura felt her cheeks flush in both embarrassment and affection, but she didn't answer him.

Kakashi continued to kiss her on her cheek and massage the wrist in his hand. "Why don't we take it slow today…" he urged softly. "As much as I love  _knowing_  that you want me, I want to do something else."

He kissed her on her lips once. She took the hint.

"And I don't think I've massaged you enough."

Sakura looked at him with puppy eyes and a pout, wondering if he was really going to leave her hanging.

Kakashi laughed at her expression and moved his head back to speak into her ear teasingly: "Not  _that_  kind of massage.. At least not tonight. The wait will be worth it, I promise…"

And with that heated promise, Sakura felt her breath hitch and her face grow even warmer.

"Now lay down," he ordered, and Sakura commanded, assuming the same position he had been in. She wondered how Kakashi could control himself, yet, then again, neither of them were rabid teenagers any longer… right?

As he rubbed on her back, he said, "The point of this was to make you feel relaxed, not me. Tell me about your day… why was it emotionally draining?"

Sakura smiled into her arms.  _He remembered_ , even though his hands and body had already allowed her to forget it. In this moment, in addition to his perfect body, his searing lips, and his magical hands, Sakura thought that she might really  _love_  this man.

This wasn't the  _butterfly_  kind of love that she had been feeling-those butterflies had gone and been replaced with a new kind of love. A contentedness. A comfortable intimacy that produced subtle warmth in her chest. A feeling of  _home_.

Butterflies could  _never_  last forever… but  _this_  feeling could.

This was the kind of attention, care, and affection she had always dreamed of… and the man of her dreams had been beside her all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Dooo doo dooo… I didn't proof this… I may regret something tomorrow… and now a closing poem for you, because it's relevant to my worklife, current politics, and now this story.
> 
> "Harlem" by Langston Hughes
> 
> "What happens to a dream deferred?
> 
> Does it dry up
> 
> Like a raisin in the sun?
> 
> Or fester like a sore-
> 
> And then run?
> 
> Does it stink like rotten meat?
> 
> Or crust and sugar over-
> 
> Like a syrupy sweet?
> 
> Maybe it just sags
> 
> Like a heavy load.
> 
> Or does it explode?"
> 
> Until next time!


	30. Paradise Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the people who reviewed the last chapter, and for all of the new readers who found me when I switched platforms! Also, I re-wrote this chapter like 3 times... Probably one of the more challenging ones for me to do so far. Hope you enjoy anyway! :)

Sakura sat curled up on the couch, her legs tucked comfortably beneath her as she held onto a notebook for as writing surface.

She delicately fingered the edges of the thin, blue, lace-decorated paper, re-reading the contents of Sarada’s letter to her.

_Dear Mama,_

_I’m sorry that it took me long to write you back! I wrote you one day after Sai-ojisan left, and then it took him another week to leave again. It’s not really an excuse, but I felt so busy after I starting volunteering at Hokage Tower. I’ve been taking a lot more naps._

_The Nanadaime told me to call him Naruto-ojisan. It’s hard to get used to, but I’m trying. He also told me I was a natural at the office! He told me I picked up secretarial work faster than anyone he’s ever met. Sometimes, when I don’t have much to do, Naruto-ojisan sends me to the training grounds to spar with his clones. Ever since we started training, I’ve had much more stamina for my sharingan!_

_Aren’t I lucky? What other kid gets to train with the HOKAGE? I mean, Naruto-ojisan invited Boruto-kun, but he’s just so stubborn, mama. He really is. I don’t know why he isn’t willing to spend time with his dad. He isn’t as annoying as he used to be, though. Sometimes, Boruto-kun brings me burgers when he comes home and even asks if I want to do homework with him._

_Maybe he’s maturing. Finally._

Sakura found herself chuckling as she read this line, recalling Sarada’s hidden affection for her boisterous teammate.

_Anyway, thank you for the picture. I’ll keep it with me. When I asked for the picture, I don’t know that I expected to see Kakashi-sama’s face anyway. Based on what I saw last time he was in our house, I figured that he too silly to just let it happen anyway._

_If Sai-ojisan is still delivering our letters, then that must mean Papa hasn’t returned to see you, has he? I hope you see him soon, and I hope you get to come home soon too. But don’t rush your mission for me! I’ll be waiting for you._

_Love,_

_Sarada_

It had been over a week since she’d received this letter. Sai had been in Takumi for approximately 10 days to assist in rotations, and they were now waiting for Sasuke’s return.

When Sai had arrived, they had immediately delved into another practice session. He’d handed her the letter and she tore into it without any restraint.

When she first read the letter, she couldn’t help but giggle when she read about Boruto-kun’s inclination to feed Sarada and ask for her company. It was easy to imagine that Sarada pretended not to enjoy it, hiding her excitement within her.

She knew that Sarada would never admit it to her, but Sakura had been 13 and in love once, and it seemed as though Boruto may have begun to return the affection.

She briefly wondered if she could be concerned that two teenagers were living under the same roof--but then again, there were much _worse_ things to think about as the mother of shinobi children. And as of now, there were no other alternatives for Sarada’s keeping.

But at the time, she just was overjoyed to be in contact with her daughter, excited about the reply she would send as soon as she got a chance… yet the chances had come and gone throughout the week, and Sakura felt that there was _something_ holding her back from a response.

Now, as she sat on the couch, she attempted to fight through her mental barriers.

_Dear Sarada,_

_As usual, I am so happy to hear about your involvement in the Hokage Tower. You have always been so bright and I have always been positive that you could excel in anything you put your mind to._

_I'm proud of you. And I think it's pretty great that Naruto is training you. I can't get over the amount of gratitude I have for him in doing that for you. When we get home, we will have to run straight to the training grounds so that I can see your growth._

_I'm sure Boruto-kun will get over this phase at some point. I think he's just upset that Naruto is just so busy all of the time. Maybe you can explain to him that taking up these offers will give him the time he seeks with his father._

At this point, Sakura felt her pen freeze against the stationery paper… She didn’t know how to respond to Sarada’s inquiry about her father’s presence or her hopes of Sakura’s return… and so she forced herself to continue.

_Unfortunately, I don't have much to tell you on my end. It's not that we're failing but let's just say that information is not flowing as freely as I'd like it to. I don't know when I'll be home, and you're right -- Papa hasn't been here in awhile, but I've heard he'll be returning soon._

_When I see him, I'll try urge him to visit you. I'll send something with him too. Let’s see if I can catch him first._

_Love always,_

_Mama_

When Sakura finished her letter, she felt a lingering feeling of dissatisfaction. It wasn't a very _good_ letter, but she didn't know what else to say to her daughter. Everything that was in there was everything she _could_ say, so why did it feel so much emptier than letters past?

Perhaps she really was gone from Konoha for much too long...

In addition to the dissatisfaction, she couldn’t help but feel a little upset about the disconnect.

And to be quite honest, her mood throughout the week hadn't been very chipper since Sai's first visit, and what was even worse was that she'd been attempting to hide her mood from Kakashi.

Sakura thought back to Sai’s arrival; the meeting had started pleasantly enough, but soon brought her enormous discomfort.

* * *

When the session began that past Friday, Sakura had shown two paintings to Sai: The first one was the one she painted in class, the female model with the green velvety shawl; the second one was the unfinished close-up painting of Kakashi’s shoulders holding her in the bathroom.

Since it was incomplete, she was confident in sharing it as it had no distinctive indicators that the subjects were Sakura and Kakashi.

She joked about her medical ninjutsu translating to her art after all, and Sai reacted enthusiastically. He concluded that they should focus on that subject, and insisted that Kakashi be her model for the day.

Sakura was feeling mortified. The smug look on Kakashi’s face sent electricity straight down her spine and brought an uncontrollable heat to her face.

Kakashi agreed to be her model on the conditional basis that he keep his mask on, but Sai insisted that she had to see every single shadow of his neck and shoulders if she were to improve.

“Ah,” Kakashi conceded. “Well then, I guess I have no choice.”

When Sai had begun to focus on the green shawl painting, Sakura shot Kakashi an irritated look, silently threatening him to cut it out.

What had he done in response? He tilted his head back, raising his chin, and slowly, slowly, slowly, pulled his mask down with the most self-righteous smirk she’d ever seen.

It was clear to her then that he was teasing her and trying to secretly seduce her in Sai’s presence.

And when Sai diverted his attention away from the green painting, he turned to Sakura and insisted that she _draw_ Kakashi instead of painting him.

Sakura sighed and gave in. She furrowed her brows, _promising_ herself that she would get back at Kakashi for playing dirty, and attempted to focus _just_ on the task at hand.

For awhile, it had worked… but as she listened to Kakashi inform Sai of the mission progress, she saw his sternocleidomastoid muscles tense as he turned his head… his laryngeal cartilage moving up and down as Kakashi spoke and swallowed… his clavicle protruding ever-so-slightly when he shifted his position.

The worst part was that she had been biting her lip as she sketched… and she had no idea until her eyes flickered up for a moment to take in Kakashi’s face, only to see him lifting his chin in a victorious _knowing_ smirk.

 _Damn that neck of his_ … she thought.

Sakura felt the sudden heat that assaulted her cheeks, and she was endearingly angry that Kakashi could reduce her to mush without even trying… and how he knew exactly what she _wanted_ from him with one glance.

But she had somehow managed to get through that hour, ensuring not to make eye contact again and adopting a hyper-awareness of her own mouth.

It didn’t help the tingle in her belly, but at the very least… there was no risk of Sai discovering that it.

And then she heard Kakashi suggest that Sai stay the weekend, giving the animals a chance to recuperate while minimizing possible exposure to Sakura’s chakra.

Sakura felt an uncomfortable tingle in her stomach.

She heard Kakashi say, “I’m also sending a summons for Sasuke’s return.”

She felt as though her stomach had plummeted straight down into floor. Dread rose in its place and threatened to overtake her state of mind. She was no longer able to focus on her work; her canvas was a mere whitespace in front of her with faint gray lines on it, her pencil frozen in place.

The words around her began to fade out as she heard the echo of Kakashi’s request: “Can you send this scroll out to Naruto?”

Sai’s agreement turned into a murmur of blended sounds. She had stared blankly ahead, struck by sudden confusion, like something was incredibly, incredibly wrong, but it was almost an alien thought--as though she couldn’t _fathom_ it even though she absolutely comprehended the reason for her indescribable guilt.

The same thing had happened the night before Sami’s arrival, the first time Kakashi had warned her about Sasuke’s return… but last night she was successfully able to brush it of because they were _alone_ and Kakashi’s arms were waiting for her in bed.

Sai’s presence made this warning all the more _real_ to her, and it struck her as frightening because his presence had turned into a threat. Sai’s attendance was a warning that Sasuke’s was coming, and for the first time in her entire life, Sasuke’s return was the absolute opposite of what she wanted...

She wasn’t ready for this to end… She wasn’t ready to let go of Kakashi.

Her eyes stared at the canvas, wide, unblinking, cold from the air. There were no tears in her fear, in her sudden onset of misery--just paralysis. She passively heard the sound of murmuring in the void. A blend of baritone sounds…

It was Kakashi’s hand on her shoulder that snapped her back into reality.

“Sakura?” Kakashi asked, blinking in concern, his warm hand lightly gripping onto her.

“Huh?” Sakura jerked into awareness, and switched her head in Kakashi’s direction.

“What do you think?”

“Sorry…” she admitted quietly, feeling relatively ashamed for being _caught_. “I wasn’t paying attention… I think I’m tired.”

“Stop for tonight,” Sai suggested. “Kakashi explained that you two have been picking up extra rotations. I can finish the rest for your class on Monday.”

And with that, Sakura placed her pencil down on the easel and leaned against the chair with her hands folded on her lap. She looked down at her knees.

“I had suggested that Sai sleep during the day time to take night rotations, and that he could return to Konoha on Monday,” Kakashi explained, still looking at her with a bit of concern.

“That’s a good idea. It’ll allow us to cover a larger window of time,” she said with feigned interest. She wanted to seem alert.

“Why don’t you start tomorrow?” Kakashi asked. “You’ve travelled all this way.”

Sai walked over to the deck as he spoke: “I can start tonight. I don’t wake until after noon when I travel here. I know I’ll be up late for these sessions.”

Kakashi nodded and crossed his arms.

“Sakura,” Sai called out, placing a hand on the deck’s handle. “Bring the green shawl painting _and_ the couple one to class. Tell your sensei you’ve found your strength and would like to focus on it. From now on, only paint people but make sure you never finish them. I’ll do the rest.”

“But _who_ do I paint?” she asked, looking up from her knees with a bit of a whine in her tone. “I can’t paint most of the people I’d like to paint--you’re all famous recognizable shinobi.”

Sai stared at her blankly, seemingly in a moment of thought. “Use a model figurine for poses. Omit clear faces like you’ve done in the couples portrait. Maybe that’ll be your style.”

Sakura blinked twice and said nothing, only offering a nod of understanding.

“And if your sensei asks for a full body, paint the Rokudaime. No one should recognize him without his mask or his long hair. Here, he’s your husband anyway, so it shouldn’t be a surprising choice.”

Sakura looked at Kakashi for a moment to consider that he hadn’t had a haircut in a while… and since it was heavier, his hair was weighed down, making it look smoother. She watched him pull his mask back up.

The three shinobi exchanged glances in a moment of silence, and then Sai nodded once before taking off.

As soon as the door slid shut and clicked, an even louder silence descended between Kakashi and Sakura.

He had tired, drooping eyes, but despite that it seemed as though he was studying her.

“Everything okay?” he asked somewhat quietly. It sounded as though he was acting under formalities.

“Yeah,” she yawned, forcing a smile and tucking a loose strand of pink hair behind her ear. “I’m just tired, that’s all…”

And then he didn’t say anything, yet he continued to stare for a moment longer. He didn’t have to speak. Both of them knew what was bothering her, and even if it were left unsaid, it was no secret.

One glance was all it ever took.

Kakashi could read her like a book and she knew it.

* * *

Since that day, Sakura felt that she may have even overcompensated in an attempt to convince Kakashi that she was unbothered, but given the topic, he hadn’t attempted to draw it out of her. Instead, they had immersed themselves entirely in the mission.

Originally, Sai had only planned to stay over the weekend, which had more activity than Kakashi and Sakura had seen over the past two months--not that Sayuri or Masuyo were visible, but their targets were together more than they were not.

Kakashi would start the mornings, Sakura would take over in the afternoon, and then Sai would have the night watch.

Her routine began in the morning: she would leave as if she were a vessel and disappear in the administration building for hours. Then, late at night, she would leave in the same manner as she came. As usual, there had been no sight of Masuyo himself.

The actions themselves were not new, but the frequency in which they occurred were. And in fact, Sakura had taken it upon herself to engage, just so that Sai could _see_ the interaction and take in the effects of whatever hypnotic genjutsu Masuyo had her under.

On Saturday night, after her rotation shift ended, Sakura made a scene as if she happened to run into her by chance. She had attempted to weasel conversation out of her, but all she could get out of Sayuri was, “Sorry, I need to see Hisashi.”

The next morning, Kakashi reported that he’d seen Itsuki try unsuccessfully to talk to her, and much more passionately than Sakura had. He’d reportedly been heartbroken, pleading in his tone for her _not_ to go, only for Sayuri to silently walk away as if she had no concern at all for her friend.

They didn’t dare break her from the genjutsu. They didn’t understand the potential severity of doing so, the drastic changes in Sayuri that might take place if they did. And if they did, Masuyo would certainly be alerted of the presence of outside shinobi.

As much as Sakura wanted to break her from it, she understood her orders.

Without the animals, their surveillance was ultimately limited to vision; Sai had immediately dispelled any ideas of using Super Beast Scroll as any animate creature he could produce would not be controlled or have the same intelligence as Pakkun and Katsuyu. As such, there was nothing tangible within their arsenal to pick up sounds--at least, not without the risk of getting too close and risking cover.

On Monday, Kakashi explained that the frequency of Sayuri and Masuyo’s activity had been abnormal, and in recognizing that abnormality, it would not be wise to discontinue their heavy surveillance.

Sai suggested that he should stay another week and, in addition, recommended that his sessions with Sakura increase to Tuesdays and Sundays in preparation for class. Given Masuyo’s presence and the scout sent to surveille Sayuri, Sakura’s sudden growth in anatomy paintings would surely gain someone’s attention.

But the extra time spent with Sakura would mean holes in their rotation--hence, the reintroduction of the ninken.

* * *

That night, the team assembled within the apartment.

Kakashi had summoned his animals, and in response, Sakura insisted that Katsuyu make her return as well. He had tried to dissuade her from doing so in the guise of Sakura’s chakra exposure and the possibility of Masuyo targeting her. The truth was he was worried that she’d be in danger, and he recognized that this was a _new_ and unfamiliar reaction…

“Well, we can’t stay immobile. I’m the one who has the highest chance of making contact with him, and I have to be at risk. That’s the mission, Kakashi. And if Pakkun is here after being put under genjutsu, there’s no reason Katsuyu shouldn’t be here just because she _dispersed_.”

And even though the worry would not subside, he knew she was right. She was a shinobi after all, just like him. An exceptional one, at that.

Sakura sat on the couch with her arms and legs crossed, leaning back and seeming slightly reserved and perhaps a little agitated. But the moment she had summoned Katsuyu, the kindness returned to her face, and there was fondness in her voice for Katsuyu’s arrival.

Sai stood with a straight posture beside the door of the deck, and Kakashi leaned against the counter with his hands in his pockets.

Pakkun, Akino, and Bisuke sat in the middle of the the room, all portraying various moods of passivity and excitement.

“Well, rest was nice while it lasted,” Pakkun yawned, seemingly disinterested in the work to come. The other two canines sat beside him, waiting for either the instruction of Pakkun or Kakashi to act.

“We’re sorry to have caused you so much trouble,” Katsuyu said regretfully, slithering over to rest upon Sakura’s hand.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Sakura added with a disarming smile. “Things like this happen on missions. I’m happy to have you back.”

“All of you are vital to this mission,” said Kakashi lazily. “I don’t know how jonins _without_ contracts with you go through infiltration missions… reverting to basic tactics isn’t the most enjoyable thing to do.”

Pakkun began to grumble, “You really owe us for this kind of repetitive work, Kakashi.”

“I’ll treat the gang to a pup-spa when we get home. And bacon biscuits. The good stuff.”

And with that, Pakkun seemed pacified, unable to conceal the excited wag of his tail as his companions gave a muffled bark of approval.

“Well, let’s get this over with,” Kakashi sighed, pushing himself off the counter and walking in the center of the room as if to grab attention. Maybe it was the old Rokudaime in him. He stood straight, crossed his arms, and tilted his head down as he spoke with authority.

“This is no longer a job for the nin-pups. It hasn’t been for awhile. We know you can’t get past the chakra field, but it doesn’t suppress sounds or smells. With your sense of smell, you don’t need to be in hearing range to track their scent. If they leave, you are to follow. Pakkun, you will not be part of the scouting team. Instead, you’ll be the liaison between parties along with Katsuyu, who will be with us. Since we are still unsure of Masuyo’s connection to his genjutsu victims, I don’t want you in range of the building. Bisuke and Akino, one of you will follow Sayuri, the other will trace Masuyo. If either of them leave, you notify Pakkun immediately, who will then notify me, and we will be in pursuit.”

Other than another affirming snort of the dogs, the room was silent in understanding.

“Will they be stationed _all day_?” Pakkun asked.

"No, our goal is to be sustainable, which is why we have so many rotations. We have openings in the day time when Sai is sleeping and Sakura and I have overlapping school or work schedules."

"And when Sakura and I meet for painting development," Sai added from the back. The dogs turned to look in his direction.

"Yeah, that too. The first one is Tuesday. Sakura, what time is your shift?" Kakashi asked.

"While you're in class."

Kakashi sighed, understanding that Tuesday would certainly be a restless day. "I really have to drop that class... Well, then I'll take the afternoon shift and the ninken can cover the morning."

"And tomorrow?" asked Sai.

"I'm also working while Sakura's in class. That's typically our schedule."

"Sounds like morning will be our regular gig," concluded Pakkun.

"Seems so.”

* * *

The week following that meeting had proceeded with little change to the routine.

On Monday, Sakura reported that Sayuri attended class much in the same fashion as last week: unresponsive and disinterested in anything but the canvas that was in front of her. She seemed to be even more unaware of the world around her. She did not respond to any verbal cues, and she began to paint long before Imada-sensei had even gave the order. Afterwards, Sayuri had left without a word and the day proceeded as expected. She did not leave Masuyo's office until midnight.

On Tuesday, Sakura informed Sai of her conversation with Imada-sensei, and the approval she received to focus solely on anatomy paintings. Because of her collaboration with Sai on the green shawl and the subtle passion of the couple painting, Imada-sensei had been wildly impressed and wanted to encourage it.

Sakura brought a new painting home of Kakashi that day, and Sai took over to finish it.

On Wednesday morning, Sayuri left her home with nothing on her person besides the clothes on her back. She had arrived like a ceramic vessel--she seemed as though she were a lifeless harlequin doll moving through the motions of her day. Without her canvas or materials, she had nothing to do in class. Itsuki had offered her his materials, but she had left it in front of her entirely untouched, much less looked at.

On Thursday, Sai commented on how well-integrated Kakashi and Sakura seem in Takumi Village; he had noticed that the villagers respond to them as if they had been here all along.

On Friday, one of Konoha's hawks left a scroll on the window sill of the apartment. In it, Shikamaru explained that Sasuke would be delayed but he would come. It forbade them from pursuing Masuyo or meddling with the chakra barrier until Sasuke was present. Shikamaru had suggested that Sasuke perform his Amenotejikara ability to get into the office as Konoha - as Kakashi predicted - was too short on shinobi to release someone from the barrier team.

When Saturday arrived, Sakura had requested that Sai wait for her reply to Sarada before sending a scroll back to Hokage Tower.

And of that morning, the the topic of Sasuke’s return remained undiscussed. Both Kakashi and Sakura had pretended as though his arrival was not lingering in the air between them. They smiled, stole kisses at home when they were sure Sai wasn’t near to see them, and tried to keep their bodies apart at night just in case Sai showed up unannounced.

But now--while she pondered over _why_ she was unable to connect to her daughter’s letter in privacy--she felt that she should confront her own mind.

Sighing heavily, Sakura took her pink stationary and folded it into a bright yellow envelope adorned with heart designs.

What could she do about her mood?

Why was it that the thought of Sasuke's return brought her so much disappointment and disconnect? Did she really not what to see her husband?

The truth was that she really didn't.

 For the first time ever, Sasuke’s presence felt like an entirely unwelcome visitor, as though he was absolutely intruding in her life.

This was problematic because _this_ conclusion _should_ have sent her into a panic, because Sasuke was her husband, and yet she felt _nothing_ about the realization that she didn’t want him. In fact, she was almost _repulsed_ by the idea of going back to pretending nothing was wrong in her marriage.

What she _did_ feel, however, was the strength of her guilt returning. Was it possible that she could not connect to Sarada because… there were so many secrets? Because she was doing things that would surely _crush_ her daughter’s heart? Because she was betraying Sarada and her father?

But even that guilt felt like dull pain--as if she had experienced too much over the years for it to hurt as shockingly as it once did.

 _What was she doing here?_ _What did she want out of this?_

What she really wanted was for everything to magically be _okay_ . Sakura didn’t know how she would get there. She knew she had been digging herself into a hole, and she didn’t know how to get out… She didn’t even know if she _wanted_ out because she hated that just the news of Sasuke’s return could cause her to feel so disconnected from even _Kakashi_.

As backwards as this was, she felt like Sasuke was ruining everything.

Thumbing the sides of the envelope, Sakura felt a stubbornness like no other she’d experienced before… and with that stubbornness she heard Kakashi’s voice, his request from when they’d crossed the line for the first time.

“ _And from now on, we can just be honest about what we want and how we are feeling on this mission. What do you think?_ ”

She had agreed at the time, but she couldn’t bring herself to be honest with her own feelings, let alone with Kakashi. And she knew why… because complete honesty would require her to act on it, and she wasn’t even sure what actions she meant to come from this.

All she wanted was happiness, and Sasuke was sucking it away again, leaving her with a void in her chest from just the mention of his name alone.

Sakura looked up from her lap to take observe the life they had been building around her. Her eyes first wandered over to their dresser, where the pink bear sat with Sarada’s keychain, the jewelry box lay empty, and above them, their portrait hung on the wall beside the painting.

She felt an unprompted smile creeping upon her lips, feeling--just for a moment--a tingle of warmth in her chest.

Sakura’s eyes drifted from the drawer to the bed, where she saw Kakashi’s sweater and shorts thrown over their undone sheets. Then it traveled from the bed over to the kitchen, where their soiled tea mugs sat beside the sink. Her eyes moved to the door where her boots, and then Kakashi’s even larger shoe were by the door. And then her vision floated down to the coffee table in front of her, where the copies of _Icha Icha_ were left on the table with her bookmark sticking out of the second book, _Icha Icha Violence_.

In looking at all three books in front of her, she realized something that surprised her: Kakashi had not been bringing any of the books since they arrived on this mission.

She wondered why and considered if she should ask him. Of all the years she’d known him, he had never been separated his true companions, and that truth was evident by the worn down corner edges and faded cover.

Sakura picked up _Icha Icha Violence_ , thumbing over the spine before cracking it open to the page she had wedged her bookmark into.

 _Ayame would understand_ , she thought. She was at the part of the story where Takeshi and Ayame were being held apart. It definitely seemed to be the most turbulent part of their love story, as the title would indicate.

She skimmed over the last section she had read.

_“Takeshi, I wish it didn’t have to be this way…” Princess Ayame whispered into his chest, grasping onto the hardened, cold leather of his dou armor._

_“If only I could change it,” he murmured regretfully, pressing his lips into her dark, luxurious hair. “But I’m a samurai and you are a princess. We both have duties that we are expected to fulfill. You must marry the Prince, for the sake of our nation.”_

_“I know you don’t want that. I don’t want to be a princess,” she cried, her sparkling chestnut eyes blinking full of tears._

_“You will always be_ **_my_ ** _princess,” Takeshi urged sweetly, giving her a promising smile. “Even when another man is holding the heart that belongs to me.”_

_Takeshi took Ayame roughly into his arms, and Ayame knew he was resisting any urge to take his love for her further. She allowed him to hold her as she trembled into his body and stained his hakama with her heavy tears._

_In that moment, she cursed her identity and what it meant to be a princess. She cursed the expectations and her duties. She cursed what she represented to her people. She cursed that she felt like nothing more than an object of value to the aristocracy._

_“I love you, Takeshi,” she wailed into his shoulder._

_He grasped her tighter, granting her one final kiss on her forehead. “I know…”_

Sakura snapped the book shut, wondering how Jiraiya could have possibly had the ability to _speak_ to the heart of a woman even though it was just so enormously corny. She had stopped reading there because her entire heart and soul _felt_ for Ayame.

In all honesty, Sakura was not prepared to feel any more about her circumstances, and she was not prepared for Ayame and Takeshi’s story to amplify whatever it was she was feeling in real life.

Sakura placed the book back on the table and picked up the first one, _Icha Icha Paradise._  She considered the title itself and how the word “Paradise” promised a utopian romance. Everything after that was inevitably beneath a utopia. “Violence” and then “Tactics” indicated something different to her… hinted at the battles that would come and the choices they’d need to take to find happiness.

Jiraiya had really hit the nail on the head. She would have never guessed that he was so insightful about love and relationships given the way he chased after every and all women.

She opened _Paradise_ to her favorite section.

_Takeshi awoke beside his princess. The curves of her delicate body were veiled by the light spring futon draped over her shoulders. He reached out to gently touch her face, smoothing the silky brown hair away from her cheeks and behind her ear._

_After a night of making love, he enjoyed the calmness of morning and the serenity of her beauty in the morning light._

_She seemed so peaceful, couldn’t help leaving caresses on her milky skin. She seemed to hum under his touch, and then her eyes fluttered open sweetly, eyes in a daze, staring back at him if his presence were an ephemeral dream._

_“Good morning,” she seemed to sing lightly. Her voice was like a song, akin to the tranquil trill of birds welcoming daylight._

Once again, Sakura felt a smile playing on her lips. That kind of morning routine was everything she wanted. Was it too much to ask for?

She replayed the scene in her mind, projecting herself and Kakashi in the place of Ayame and Takeshi. _It was real_ , she told herself. _It happened here in Takumi_.

She almost felt as though sweet awakenings had been happening every morning, and she wanted her paradise to stay.

But now, their tiny enclosed reverie of her dream life had an intruder -- Sasuke.

It had only required the mention of his return for a distance to come between Kakashi and Sakura.

She wanted those seemingly idyllic and surreal days between her and Kakashi to come back--the days when they were simply teetering on their feelings, when everything had felt so sweet and free.

And then, as if one cue, she heard the click of the door and the sound of footsteps.

Kakashi was home.

Sakura looked up with a smile, ready to welcome him with kisses, ready to grasp onto the pieces of paradise that she had left.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so here it is. I mentioned that I would start developing Sakura's flaws and I'll be focusing on that much more.


	31. Reckless

**** Imada-sensei had taken it upon herself to make rounds that day. She had announced that it was her goal to check in with each individual student about their strengths and weaknesses.

“Sayuri?” Imada-sensei called cheerily, seeming as though she was optimistic in getting a response. She stood directly in between her workstation and Itsuki’s.

Yet despite multiple attempts, Sayuri sat quietly, unmoving with her eyes staring straight ahead at nothing. She wasn’t even painting anything.

Sakura watched sensei gulp as she observed Sayuri’s frozen figure, curling her brows in concern before forcing herself to move on to her other three pupils.

As always, Sakura took it upon herself to glance around the room to gauge reactions. At this point, it seemed as though Yuuto was becoming desensitized to these bi-weekly occurrences. Every time he made contact with Sakura, he seemed to be warning her with tired eyes:  _ it’s not your problem _ .

Instead of moving to Itsuki like she normally would, sensei decided to check in on Sakura, instantly lighting up as she made her way.

“Akiyama-san,” she called cheerily. “You’ve shown incredibly improvement since we’ve introduced live models.” Sensei hovered a finger over Sakura’s painted body of an unspecified woman. “Look at the definition and shadowing you’ve managed to accomplish. The way someone paints the neck and shoulders can _ really _ affect the dimensions of the body. Without the proper shadowing and highlighting, the body can really look flat. You don’t have this problem.”

“Thank you, sensei. I feel like I’ve been doing a lot better too,” Sakura replied, for once, feeling some pride in her work.

“Well good. Keep fostering it. I’m happy to see you excelling at something.”

Itsuki, as expected, had been gritting his teeth, clutching his materials in anger as he too peered ahead of him, staring blankly on to his canvas. Since all of this trouble began, his normally cheerful and family oriented pieces began to take a darker turn. The once-filled dinner table of smiles and laughter had been replaced by empty chairs or rotting food.

Today, his work seemed to be focused on an old, raggedy teddy bear that seemed to have been forgotten and worn over time.

As she made her way to Itsuki’s table, it seemed that Imada-sensei couldn’t quite figure out how to navigate the change in Itsuki’s mood. She knew exactly  _ why _ his style had changed--in fact, they all did--but addressing it was not something that anyone was looking forward to.

Imada-sensei hooked a finger over her chin, deep in thought, searching for a comment. The moment she seemed to come up with a solution, the door slid open and Sakura felt Katsuyu begin to squirm in her shirt.

Expecting another administrative assistant, sensei slowly stood up to greet the visitor, only to exclaim in shock and bow in haste.

Feeling the gust of frozen air, Sakura’s eyes followed sensei’s to the door, only to find that it was not another administrative assistant, but Masuyo Hisashi himself--tall and regal in his heavy black boots, shoulders draped in luxurious layers of velvety cotton black winter yukatas.

Everyone paused in their activities and Sakura noticed that even Sayuri seems to sit up in her catatonic state. Sakura’s mind instantly re-considered Katsuyu’s presence and wondered if perhaps Kakashi was  _ right _ about reintroducing her into the mission. But it was Sakura’s chakra, she realized, and she began to pay extra attention to suppressing it.

“Imada-sensei,” he nodded his head courteously, arms behind his back, the sound of his voice almost poisonous as a slick grin creeped upon his lips. Just as it had before, the cold delivery of deep voice sent a shiver down Sakura’s spine. 

Sensei bowed in return, clearly more nervous than when an administrative representative came by. 

“I was told good things about the progress of your course in the last walkthrough. I’m just here to check out the progress of your pupils myself,” he continued.

“O-of course!” Imada said hesitantly, head remaining in a bow as she scrambled away from the workstations to give space to Masuyo.

For a moment, Masuyo’s hard and commanding black eyes made eye contact with Sakura’s. She wondered if her expression gave away her discomfort as she had never been good at hiding her emotions. The smile only widened when he acknowledged her glance, baring his teeth just for a second.

The first thud of his boot knocked on her ears causing anticipation to rise in Sakura’s chest. Where Imada-sensei failed, Masuyo had dove straight in. His first target was Itsuki.

“Going with darker themes, now, I see?” said Masuyo as his boots led him around the corner of Itsuki’s workstation. His voice was friendly yet his an undertone of taunting.

Itsuki did not reply, though Sakura observed the grip on his paintbrush tighten.

The boots continued to tread with a leaden weight as skimmed passively by Yuuto’s table.

“Abstract as usual, Suzuki-san,” he commented, but the sound of taunting had been absent. 

As Masuyo banked around the corner of Yuuto’s desk, passing to glide towards Sakura despite the sound of his boots, Yuuto was unaffected and shrugged, “I know what I like.”

Sakura had been observing the entire time. Masuyo chuckled at Yuuto’s characteristic response, never once looking his way, and instead focused on Sakura. 

For some reason, each drop of his boot felt like it reflected an entire minute, as if his perceivably icy-stare was slowing down time.

He paused in front of her and she turned her head to the left to return the look. His tall, lean body offered no welcoming in his stance. His chin was tilted upwards as though he were looking down on her in a sense that was more than just literal. 

He crossed his arms and his broad shoulders seemed to raise up, and then he turned his head to look at her painting.

“Akiyama-san,” he spoke coolly. “Your anatomy practice has improved since I’ve seen you last at Sayuri’s house.” 

As he made two steps to stand directly behind her, he leaned forward to almost whisper from beside her head. From the side of her vision, she saw Itsuki turn back in reaction to his words.

Her eyes flickered in Itsuki’s direction, taking just a second to register the fleeting hurt and anguish in his eyes.

“It’s almost as though you’re not the same artist,” Masuyo chuckled quietly. Sakura was instantly filled with dread as she muttered a thanks.

“Good work. Keep striving to be better.”

And with that, he backed away from Sakura’s frame. She finally felt as though she could breath… until she realized that the peak of this visit was yet to come.

It was Sayuri’s turn, and instead of looking at her work, his lips went straight for her ear -- just like the administrative visitor who came before him.

“Get away from her!” Itsuki roared, chair thrown away from him as he jerked into a standing position. His arms were raised and bent in a fighting stance, fists clenched, chest already heaving. He was glaring angrily at Masuyo.

“Oh?” Masuyo replied with amusement, standing up with a raised eyebrow to look at Itsuki. He tilted his head, and his dark green hair fell to shield his eye.

Imada-sensei immediately ran to Itsuki. “Itsuki-kun, please,” she pleaded. “Stop this…” 

She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him, but he simply flung her hand off of him. She retracted, shocked and internally wounded.

Masuyo’s chuckle turned into a full-blown instigating fit of laughter.

“Passionate about this one are we?” he asks, placing a hand on Sayuri’s shoulder after gently swiping her purple hair off of it. “A childhood love?”

“Shut up!” Itsuki growled, the look of disgust plastered on his face. “Just get the fuck away from her!”

Before Masuyo could counter Itsuki’s demand, Sayuri stood up almost silently, packing her things with an absolute determination.

“Yuri-chan,” Itsuki called out weakly, likely in a last-ditch effort to reach her. It seemed to Sakura as though Itsuki knew this was a losing battle.

But she did not respond. Instead, she swung her bag over her shoulder and stood beside Masuyo as if she were waiting for his instruction. 

“Cute,” Masuyo joked mockingly, looking directly at Itsuki with an annoyed stare as he and Sayuri walked toward the door, leaving it wide open behind him so that every bit of warm air was forcefully replaced by the dry cold.

Itsuki stood frozen for just a moment before he suddenly jerked to walk around his desk and head towards the door after them.

“STOP IT!” Imada-sensei wailed, running to chase after him and grab his wrist.

Yuuto and Sakura looked at each other in shock. They’d never heard Imada-sensei raise her voice, especially not in this way. Her tone was full of matronly pleading.

Itsuki harshly flung her wrist away from his, pivoting around to redirect his anger at her.

“I’m not just going to LET him--”

“What do you think you’re going to accomplish?!” Imada-sensei shrieked, stepping forward to in feigned confidence.

“MORE THAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING!” Itsuki exploded, his red hair thrashing about his face as he moved in bewilderment. 

They heard sensei gasp, her breathing visible in the cool air of the studio, but Itsuki did not pull the reins back on himself. A tear rolled down his flustered cheek.

“Are you just going to sit and watch? Huh? You KNOW he’s doing something to her!”

This time, Itsuki drew himself closer to her face, but this time he was threatening, angry, spiteful.

“Itsuki-kun,” she breathed, knowing, pained. “I know…. But I…” 

Tears began to stream down her face. She was flustered too, likely unable to form anything worthwhile in such a helpless situation. 

“Please,” she begged, holding back her sobs. “Please stop. I don’t want to see anything happen to you too…”

Sakura felt as though she was watching a drama show unfold in front of her and she was indirectly apart of it. He was quiet then, but Itsuki was too far gone in his rage, too affected by his loss, but Sakura could understand… 

The situation was  _ destroying  _ her too because she  _ knew _ she that she could do something about it but was held back by her orders, by the need to uphold the image of their mission…

_ Sayuri, _ Sakura thought, a sting forming on her eyes as she felt the loss of the people in front of her. She rubbed her arms over to produce some warmth.

Instead of throwing more insults in sensei’s direction, Itsuki simply stuffed his hands into his pocket. He looked onto the floor, clearly troubled, then walked to the door to leave, abandoning all of his things on the table.

The slam of the door rung in their ears for some time. Sakura and Yuuto had no idea how to respond in this situation. It would be inappropriate for them to say anything, but she knew it would be equally inappropriate for them to start painting as if nothing happened.

And so, the two of them waited for their sensei to say something in the awkward silence.

Wiping her tears away from her eyes, she broke the silence, “Let’s… end class early today.”

Imada-sensei held her waist and made her way towards the door, not looking back as she retreated, not thinking to wait for her students to leave the room.

“This is the messiest one I’ve seen yet…” Yuuto said quietly, slowly packing his things as if his arms were made of lead. 

Sakura sat on her stool, not touching any of her things. She couldn’t bring herself to move, and so she only turned to look at Yuuto.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never seen Masuyo come personally. And I’ve never seen a showdown like that. Usually, the people he chooses go without problems…”

She watched Yuuto wrap his paint palette and stuff the loose paint pots into his bag. 

“And he looks like he’s started paying attention to your work -- who knows why?”

For once, even Sakura could not respond to Yuuto’s rude comments, but he seemed unbothered. 

He dropped his various pencils into his case and snapped it shut.

“I know it’s hard for someone like you with extraordinarily obnoxious pink hair, but seriously… Lay low, Haruna.”

And then he picked up his bag, stopping to finally make eye contact with her before breaking to exit the room.

Sakura’s mind was reeling. This was what she wanted… to be  _ noticed _ so that she could get in. This is what she and Sai had been working towards, yet she wondered just  _ how _ perceptive artists really must be. Masuyo seemed to  _ know _ .

_ It’s almost as though you’re not the same artist. _

She couldn’t help but feel like their cover was blown, but if that were true,  _ why _ hadn’t Masuyo done anything about it?

And then, as she sat staring absently at her desk, she thought about all of the people that have disappeared because of this man.  _ Sayuri _ was in danger and she wanted more than anything to save her.

But if Masuyo  _ knew  _ and wouldn’t do anything about intruding shinobi in his village, why couldn’t  _ other _ people do something about it?

Suddenly alerted by her thought, Sakura jolted away from her stool and ran out the door.

“Yuuto!” she called out, looking for him in the courtyard. Her skin instantly felt tight and the hairs on her body stood, seeking out any type of warmth in the winter cold.

He was only a few yards away. Yuuto turned to look behind him.

She ran towards him to ask the burning question: “If the people of this town know something strange is happening here… why hasn’t anyone done anything about it?”

Yuuto seemed to be analyzing her, calculating a response as he stood unmoving.

Finally, he opened his mouth to answer, and as he did so, a puff of smoke formed as he exhaled.

“For the same reason people never usurp their own corrupt governments… They’re afraid,” he shrugged. “And you don’t see people hiring  _ Takumi _ shinobi to complete inter-village missions, do you? They probably don’t have the guts or the manpower.”

Sakura didn’t have a response. She merely gawked at him as she took in his explanation. It made sense.

Yuuto sighed, shaking his head as a parting gesture. “Haruna… always sticking your head into things that it doesn’t belong in.”

 

* * *

Kakashi had arrived home from work to discover that Katsuyu and Pakkun had a considerable amount of new information.

Through Katsuyu, Pakkun had reported to Sai and Kakashi grave news about Sayuri and Masuyo. Additionally, Katsuyu had been relaying the play-by-play of Masuyo’s classroom visit from the moment it began, keeping Kakashi fully aware that something  _ different _ was happening today. At this time, Katsuyu was acting more-or-less like a walkie-talkie between Sai and Kakashi. 

Sai had asked an imperative question through her: “Kakashi, would you say that Sakura is emotionally invested in the target?”

Katsuyu answered for him, relaying the answer to both men. “She is. I can feel the changes in her emotions because I’m connected to her.”

“Then I request that you withhold the development of the situation from her until we understand how Sakura will respond. Meet Sasuke and I in the forest as soon as Sakura arrives.”

He had geared up in his stealth clothes as soon as he’d received the order, and he waited for Sakura to return so she could do the same. He was, of course, slightly nervous about having Sasuke in the same space, but he had understood that the mission took precedence over any personal conflicts.

When Sakura had arrived home from class, he noticed that she had clearly been bothered by the events of her day but it was obvious that she wasn’t aware of anything else. Sakura came in ready to explain the events of her day, however, Kakashi had already known. He’d listened to her anyway, but Sakura was almost able to gather that this wasn’t news to him due to his muted reactions.

As they traveled, Sakura had continually asked questions, especially about the need to leave urgently, commenting on the secretive look on Kakashi’s face and his request to  _ wait _ for the questions until they were at the meeting.

By the time they arrived, Sakura was agitated by the secrecy. She had not paid any particular attention to her husband, and instead, switched her stare accusingly between the men before her.

“What’s going on?” Sakura demanded, looking at her teammates as everyone but Sasuke avoided eye contact.

The three men glanced at each other knowingly, understanding that they would have to proceed through this with caution. The dogs too knew not to speak without being prompted.

Other than Sakura’s general confusion, Kakashi couldn’t tell if Sakura was bothered by being faced with Sasuke for the first time in weeks. Her eyebrows were scrunched on her face, her voice as straightforward as ever.

“Well?” she asked expectantly.

Sasuke was the first to break the silence, his cool voice smooth and calm despite her unrest.

“Katsuyu briefed us on everything that happened during your class today.”

“Good, then I don’t have to say it,” Sakura responded confidently, the irritation failing to leave her face as she placed her hands on her hips and shifted her weight. “I gathered that much anyway.”

Kakashi crossed his arms and watched Sasuke and Sakura with slight discomfort. They certainly didn’t  _ look _ like husband and wife in this moment. There hadn’t even been a greeting between them, but he supposed he could understand given the situation.

And then Sakura sighed before speaking but this time with some pleading in her tone. 

“We have to do something, Sasuke-kun. We  _ know _ there’s something going on here. The students know it, and I think the villagers know too, they’re just keeping it to themselves and are unable to do anything!” 

She threw her hands up in frustration, likely angered that she was being held back from saving her target.

Kakashi felt for her as he listened and watched her exude her concealed disappointment. Civilian or not, letting someone walk into danger was something any capable shinobi would be frustrated by.

And even if Sakura hadn’t addressed him, Kakashi felt compelled to respond to her. 

“And we will do something. That’s why we are here.”

Sakura blinked in his direction, seeming to read through him, as if she could  _ tell _ through his demeanor that he was holding something back from her. Her eyebrows crinkled in a way he’d never seen from her before, as if she were saying “ _ how could you? _ ” As if his guarded words were so unlike the communicative glance she’d learned to know through this mission.

“Sakura,” Sai said with his pseudo-pleasant tone, yet to Kakashi, it sounded as though he were stepping on broken glass.

Sakura tore her eyes away from Kakashi and bore straight into Sai. He watched her snap as she rose her voice, much like the story he’d heard about Itsuki. “What the hell is going on? Why is everyone looking at me like I’m a wounded animal!?”

Kakashi heard Sasuke’s heavy exhale from beside him, exasperated by the need to step around emotions, likely irritated that they could not be  _ sure _ of Sakura’s reaction.

“Your target, Sayuri, is missing,” he spoke flatly, unaffected by Sakura’s emotional outburst.

“What?” she muttered in disbelief. “What do you mean she’s  _ missing _ ? Isn’t she just in Masuyo’s Office?”

“She’s gone, Sakura…” Kakashi said silently, attempting to guide Sakura to a certain realization.

“I thought Sai was watching the school? I thought Akino and Bisuke were following the scent!” she exclaimed almost bewildered, eyes switching frantically to seek some sort of validation for her claims.

“We were,” Akino barked quietly, whimpering as he lowered his head and tucked his nose under his paws. 

Kakashi put out a hand, signaling Akino not to speak. He obeyed.

Instead, Kakashi finished his thought. “Pakkun relayed to me that the scent within the door suddenly disappeared and all of the muffled sounds ended.”

“How do they just--”

“Sakura,” Sasuke chided disapprovingly, telling her with his impatience to stop talking. “Masuyo is a shinobi. I think you know that by now, and you know that shinobi can find a way.”

“No, she was just--I just!”

Kakashi watched Sakura’s face go white as the realization crept in. Sasuke was right, and he knew that Sakura understood this. She was just frustrated by the results. 

The forest was silent. It seemed as though even the birds stopped chirping while the men waited for Sakura to stir.

“We have to… go after her,” she said lightly, full of hope as if that option were truly available to them.

“No,” Sasuke concluded.

“What do you mean NO?” she asked, the urgency rising again in her voice.

“We don’t have enough information.”

Kakashi felt a hybrid of sadness and irritation rise within him as he listened to their bickering. He felt  _ sorry _ for Sakura -- he knew she was upset because Sayuri had been the only friend she’d really made on this mission, even if she were a target. Sayuri was the only one that Sakura could talk to for her relationship with Kakashi, even if it were under false pretenses. She knew Sakura cared for the outcome of this mission… and he was irritated because Sasuke just  _ didn’t _ understand. Sasuke simply  _ invalidated _ anything Sakura was feeling.

But the truth was… he understood and agreed Sasuke’s decision. Even if Sakura was invested, they truly did not know what they were facing here. It wouldn’t be safe -- for any of them.

“Will we ever have enough?” she asked angrily. “Does it  _ matter _ ? She’s in danger!”

“Sakura,” Sasuke began again, completely exasperated by the need to explain himself. “The Otsutsuki chakra--it flared for a moment. We don’t know what we’re dealing with--”

“I DON’T CARE!” Sakura yelled, throwing her hands up in indignation. “If Naruto was here, you KNOW he would have done  _ anything _ to save her. We’ve seen him do it time and time aga--”

“Who do you think gave the order to stay?!” Sasuke spat out harshly. Kakashi recognized that this was a rare moment for Sasuke as he typically kept his calm and only showed slight signs of irritation.

Even though he understood Sasuke’s reasoning, he felt protective over Sakura, knowing she’d be hurt by this despite her irrationality.

“Sakura,” Kakashi cut in softly, trying to bring her to her senses. “Sasuke’s right… You know he is.”

Sakura seemed to be stunned silent, staring bitterly at her husband as she gathered a response.

She was quiet this time, boiling under the surface. “Even if  _ he _ gave the order, you know that  _ our  _ Naruto was reckless enough to do what was right…”

At this point, it was clear that Sasuke was done arguing. 

“Kakashi,” Sasuke ground out, never breaking eye contact from his wife. “Take her back. Don’t let her do anything stupid. Wait for my orders.”

Understanding the command, Kakashi pleaded with his eyes, requesting that she to cooperate. He was ready to grab her and do his best to restrain her if he had to, but he knew that he was powerless against her if she truly decided to fight back.

As he approached her, Sakura put her arms up in warning, her palms flat in front of him as a threat to stay away. She backed away with each one of his footsteps, eyes in a guarded, angry panic.

She was saying with her eyes,  _ you better not touch me _ .

“Sakura,” Kakashi said softly, attempting to coax her to be calm.

“Don’t, Kakashi,” she said in disbelief. “You know what the right thing to do is here…”

“Let’s talk about this at home,” he urged, creeping towards her, putting his hands up as a slow warning to let her know that he was going to grab her arms.

She instinctively shoved him away with chakra. He felt the contact on his chest, and the singe of pain radiating from her palm into his skin. His body jerked backwards as his feet dug into the ground to stop himself from flying.

“Stop it, Sakura,” he said quietly, attempting to appease her as if she were going to burst at any moment. “Don’t fight me. You’ll give away our location  _ and _ our identities, and then we  _ really _ can’t help these people…”

Her green eyes softened briefly before hardening again, her eyebrows furrowing intensely in unhappiness.

_ How could you?  _ She was saying to him without words. The look on her face said it all.

_ Please, Sakura… _ he begged with worried eyes.  _ Stop this. Not here… _

He made his move to approach her again, their eyes never breaking away from each other.

She finally let him grasp onto her arms. Kakashi moved his palms up and down on her arms first, warming her already heated body, soothing her until she dropped a weak fist on his chest, letting all of the fight out of her.

“Stop it,” he said calmly, almost as softly a whisper. 

She gave up in front of him, leaning forward as she began to cry on his chest.

“Sayuri…” she croaked out weakly, muffling her sadness into Kakashi’s black shirt. He felt the fabric grow damp and stick to his skin. The smell of salt assaulted his senses.

As Sakura let her emotions free, Kakashi felt four eyes behind him, burning holes into his back as the spectacle unfolded in front of his comrades.

Kakashi bent down and hooked an arm under Sakura’s knees and slid an arm around the back of her shoulders before hoisting her up, and holding onto her bridal style.

She never dragged her face away from his chest, only circled an arm around his neck and buried her face into his shoulder as she cried. 

As he carried her, he walked away from his teammates, not even daring to look into the eyes of Sai and Sasuke out of fear of what he might see in those red and purple eyes--out of fear for the guilt he knew that Sasuke could impart on him if they made eye contact.

Kakashi understood that this looked  _ incredibly incriminating _ , but there was nothing he could do about it now.

As he jumped into the trees, leaving the team behind, he couldn’t help but wonder what Sai and Sasuke were thinking. He thought about all of the lies and secrecy that surrounded this mission, this  _ affair _ , the feelings he held for the crying woman in his arms, their betrayal to Sasuke, to Sarada, and now  _ this. _

He should have known that the meeting would have turned out like this. Sakura had never been good at hiding her emotions, it was just that, for all these years, Sasuke had never been emotionally adept enough to notice it.

Yet, despite his instinctive understanding of Sakura’s reaction, Kakashi had agreed with hiding the information. He didn’t know what other options they had. 

What if  _ telling her _ made her reaction worse than what it was?

Everyone but Sakura knew where Sayuri had been taken.

Pakkun had ordered the entire ninken pack on a hunting mission the moment Masuyo and Sayuri had disappeared.

Not too far from Takumi Village, they’d found an abandoned cave being used as a compound. It was reportedly guarded by vacant Takumi Shinobi who were simply there to fight.

Within the compound had been the scents of Masuyo and Sayuri, masked by a flurry of other random scents. The ninken had reported that they heard a piercing female scream and the pungent stench of blood -- both old, rotting blood and fresh blood emanating from the location.

When Pakkun had relayed the information, the shinobi came to the same conclusion.

They all knew it -- and even if Sakura didn’t have  _ this _ information, the realization had surely dawned on her.

Sayuri was dead and there was no saving her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two days between updates? Who am I? :)
> 
> Also, don't hate me! I know some of you took a liking to Sayuri's character... but this was planned for a long time. O_O


	32. Neverending Burden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter heavily incorporates two episodes from Naruto Shippuden: Episode 206 “Sakura’s Feelings” and Episode 214 “The Burden.” For some context, it is right after Naruto begged at the feet of the Raikage to forgive Sasuke and Naruto’s friends try to figure out how to get Naruto to stop chasing him. This is around the Kage Summit, where Danzo is Hokage. Additionally, 214 is when Sakura tries to trick Sasuke and says that she will travel with him. Sasuke asks her to kill Karin, but she hesitates and Kakashi swoops in to save the day.
> 
> I recommend re-watching those scenes, if you’re entirely invested. Otherwise, I hope I’ve embedded enough contextual references within the chapter so that it’s not necessary for you to do so.

The two men stood in the forest in silence for some time, waiting for Kakashi’s frame to disappear into the shroud of trees.

There was an unspoken realization lingering in the air.

Sai looked over to Sasuke, waiting for a word, or a command, or a comment, but Sasuke’s gaze remained locked into the depths of the dark, cold woods.

A million thoughts must have been racing through Sasuke’s mind, Sai thought. He must’ve been wondering what on earth that display was about, wondering why Kakashi was able to get through to Sakura when he couldn’t.

Did Sasuke feel anger towards his wife?

Did he see his own failures reflected in Kakashi and Sakura’s relationship?

Sai and Sasuke did not know each other well, but in the same way that Sasuke must be reflecting, Sai saw a semblance of his own reflection in Sasuke. 

Behind the facade of a stoic face, Sai understood that there were only two kinds of layers. There was either true emptiness or forced emptiness--yet in either scenario, the catalyst for that emptiness was due to feeling too much.

Sai knew this well -- he knew this from the emotions he had been forced to suppress during his time in The Federation, almost believing that there was truly nothing worthwhile to feel. 

The tremendous lie that shinobi taught themselves had always been that feeling lead to weakness.

He recognized this now in Sasuke, and Sai speculated on the effects of Sasuke’s past. The wielders of the Sharingan have always suffered from feeling too much -- the very characteristic of the Uchiha lineage that triggered the awakening of their kekkei genkai.

Sasuke’s stare couldn’t have been one of true emptiness -- not when  _ all _ a man has in this world, even if it had been partially through his own making, are a wife and child. Sasuke had watched his wife, half of his world, succumb to the arms of another man, and it must have felt like nothing less than  _ loss _ all over again. Especially when that man represented nearly everything Sasuke used to be and could have been -- a man able to fill the void Sasuke left in the wake of his perpetually retreating footsteps.

Sai remembered well -- Sakura, Naruto had hoped, was supposed to save Sasuke.

Sakura had been successful  _ enough _ for Konoha’s administrative standards, rehabilitating his public image as a dangerous villain to that of a misguided man, ready to turn a new leaf. To them, Sasuke had become a family man of great sacrifice in the honor of protecting Konoha, and Sakura had become a woman seen as capable of taming something like a wild beast, capable of even greater selflessness for the safety of her village.

But for the purposes of Sakura’s private love and marriage, Sai had been exposed enough to instances of Sakura’s idyllic mind to conclude that Sasuke never came close to being who she wanted him to be.

He couldn’t have possibly.

A past like his, a trauma like his, a societal burden like his, a disposition like his could  _ never _ add up to the kind of man Sakura likely dreamed of having.

He wondered if Sasuke felt any sort of resentment towards his wife for her expectations, or if he simply accepted that this was the reality of his attempt to be a husband and a father.

And he wondered about the current role of that dynamic, in seeing his wife being literally -- and even figuratively, given the way her body reacted to him -- swept away by their formal sensei.

“Let’s go,” Sasuke interrupted, breaking the blaring silence of the forest. “Lead the way.”

Sasuke turned to shoot him a blank, unaffected stare. Sai nodded, offering the same look in return.

Prior to Kakashi and Sakura’s arrival, the two of them had concluded that  _ now _ would be the time to get into Masuyo’s office, into the chakra barrier while Sasuke was present. 

Following Sasuke’s orders, Sai jumped into the same depths that Kakashi and Sakura had disappeared into. As he went and Sasuke followed, he made absolutely sure to avoid taking Sasuke anywhere near Kakashi and Sakura’s apartment, just for precaution…

He was sure that beneath that stoic facade, that last layer of outer protection, was a man pretending that there was nothing wrong.

* * *

 

Kakashi felt the dull soreness that had resulted from Sakura’s thrashing on his chest. He knew that she didn’t  _ mean _ to hurt him, and she didn’t. It was more so that she was unaware of her own strength as she let her frustrations go.

He’d let her do that all night if she needed to. 

As he held her in bed, back leaning against the headboard, her thrashing had eventually tapered off into a steady kneading. Once she exhausted herself, she fell asleep in his arms, nuzzled right into what seemed to be her favorite place on his shoulder.

Kakashi listened to her soft breathing, soothed by the rhythm he had become so accustomed to since they first slept beside each other in the tent.

He was tired too, but he couldn’t bring himself to lay them down and fall asleep. Instead, the feeling of guilt continued to chip away at his conscience.

Kakashi couldn’t remember the last time he had lied to Sakura. He knew that he was playing on a dangerous line in more ways than one. 

If he told her the truth now, would she accuse him of underestimating her?

As he thought back, he knew that this was precisely the reason that Sakura had been so angry with Sasuke upon his return to Konoha. Although the neglect had been the largest part of it, in her mind, it was also the sheer inability to trust in her as a kunoichi.

Once again, Kakashi understood that there were parallels between he and Sasuke. This time, he thought that he was better able to understand Sasuke’s seemingly possessive nature.

It wasn’t that he  _ didn’t _ trust her, it was more so that he was afraid. Anything could happen, and that had been proven time and time again throughout his life.

Sasuke was right. They didn’t have enough information to take proper action.

Kakashi hated that he felt this way, that he might be doubting her, but were a few civilian lives worth the potential of losing the lives of the ones he loved around him? 

As he ran a thumb over Sakura’s temple, Kakashi scoffed at his own pretentiousness.

He scoffed at the lies he seemed to be telling  _ himself _ at this very moment.

He wasn’t worried about Sasuke losing his life, he wasn’t worried about  _ himself _ , or even Sai. He instinctively felt as though they would be fine and that they could fend for themselves.

The truth was that he was worried about Sakura doing something impulsive and rushing into battle as she tended to do when she was deeply invested in something.

Without a doubt, Sakura was one of the most intelligent and capable people that he knew, but when it came to the people she cared for, she allowed her heart to prevail over her mind.

The palm of his hand rested on the side of her head, left there from when he stroked her hair as a comforting gesture. He looked down and watched her chest rise and fall, observing the loose grip of her hand on his thigh.

Kakashi couldn’t help but recall the time she  _ tried _ to ignore her feelings and take the logical route -- when she tried to dismiss her unfounded love for Sasuke following the Pein attack on Konoha, when she tried to rescue Naruto from destroying himself over Sasuke’s defection and place the entirety of the burden on her shoulders.

Kakashi remembered that day vividly. He remembered the feeling of helplessness and the disappointment of being forced to witness the fallout of Sasuke’s poor decisions.

At the time, he was unsure of how to deal with their emotions. Kakashi had been 28, yet he was still learning how to heal from his own. He was unsure of how to navigate around Sakura’s intentions, unsure of how to balance her feelings, his feelings, and the effect it had on Naruto.

* * *

 

_ “I love you,” Sakura had admitted with a warm roseate stain on her cheeks despite the winter snow. _

_ Naruto’s shock had morphed into a scowl, and he rejected her false advances. _

_ “Why are you getting so upset?” she asked with a dismissive smile. “I’m telling you that I like you now instead of Sasuke. You know the saying, ‘women are as fickle as the autumn weather.’” _

_ But Sakura wasn’t fooling anyone -- perhaps, not even herself. It was a futile plea to stop Naruto from chasing after Sasuke. _

_ Kakashi had watched this conversation progress in both horror and understanding. He stood beside Yamato, who was clearly more baffled than Kakashi had been, thrust into this situation without true understanding of Sakura’s purposes.  _

_ But Kakashi understood. He watched ambivalently as Sakura held the shell-shocked Naruto in her arms. He remembered almost muttering, “Sakura, you…” _

_ He didn’t have to finish the thought. Unlike Yamato, Kakashi understood exactly what Sakura was attempting to do. She was trying to save him, to stop him from desperately throwing himself onto the ground to beg at the feet of another Kage over Sasuke’s mistakes.  _

_ It was one heart break after another, disappointment after disappointment piling up on their hearts. _

_ “Sasuke-kun keeps getting further and further away from me. But Naruto, you’ve always stuck by my side, and cheered me up… Meanwhile, Sasuke-kun keeps adding to his crimes, and breaking my heart, always becoming more of a stranger. But you, Naruto, I’m able to be close to you like this… You comfort me.” _

_ Kakashi understood that Sakura truly meant what she was saying. The only thing that wasn’t real was her romantic feelings for Naruto -- but she was trying, for his sake. _

_ Logic, no matter how hard she battled, could not win against the intensity of their love for Sasuke. _

_ “I hate people who lie to themselves,” Naruto exclaimed angrily, holding Sakura at a distance. _

_ Kakashi internalized Sakura’s shocked expression, and although the comment was directed at her, Kakashi felt that the criticism punctured something within him as well. _

_ “I’m lying to myself?” Sakura yelled indignantly, smacking Naruto’s arm away from her. “I’m the one who gets to decide how I feel!” _

_ Naruto was right. Sakura and Kakashi had been lying to themselves, even if they wouldn’t recognize it themselves. _

_ It hurt too much to let go of Sasuke, to let him continue to spiral further into the abyss. _

_ But Sakura continued to yell, emblazoned by Naruto’s rejection of her forced feelings. _

_ “Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun! That’s all you think about! Going after Sasuke-kun and putting yourself in danger! You’re the nine-tails’ jinchuuriki and the Akatsuki are after you! Worry about yourself for a change! I’m saying that it’s not necessary to put yourself in danger just to chase after Sasuke!” _

_ Naruto stared back at her hard, unaffected, resolute: “I think it just sounds like a painful excuse…” _

_ As Kakashi watched the spectacle unfurl in front of him, he felt paralyzed… He was simultaneously identifying with both Sakura and Naruto’s, torn between what was right and what was wrong. _

_ And as he listened to Sakura’s plea, he wondered to himself… _

_ Sakura, are you listening to your own advice? _

* * *

Sakura’s  “confession” after the Kage Summit had backfired on her marvelously.

The look of angry determination that flashed on her face was a look he’d never forget. Kakashi had instinctively knew that something was  _ wrong, _ but he couldn’t have been sure.

He had been infinitely thankful for Sai’s quick thinking. He imagined what the outcome could have been if Sai hadn’t left a shadow clone to notify them of Sakura’s furtive activities and intentions.

Kakashi had been in pursuit immediately, angry at himself for not being able to save Sasuke, for not being able to bring Sakura and Naruto comfort, for being essentially  _ useless _ in taming their wild emotions.

Sakura had tried too hard to take this burden away from Naruto, but what she  _ didn’t _ understand was that this burden had been just as much Kakashi’s as it were hers… maybe even more so.

_ “Don’t worry,” _ he’d told her in the early days of their team, when Sasuke first began to unravel.  _ “It will be like it was before!” _

What a careless thing that was for him to say. Sasuke’s deep-seated desire for revenge, and the aftermath of pursuing it, would never allow  _ their _ Sasuke to return to them… but Sakura and Naruto had held on to that hope, and he’d done nothing to disillusion the reality that he was  _ gone _ .

When he and Naruto arrived, Sasuke had been  _ seconds _ away from killing her with his chidori, the one  _ he’d _ taught Sasuke to utilize.

As he blocked Sasuke’s path, he had felt the need to apologize to Sakura, to take back all of the pain Kakashi had indirectly brought her. 

_ “You tried to kill Sasuke by yourself, didn’t you? You don’t have to shoulder such a heavy burden by yourself. I was the leader of Team 7. It was my cowardice that split all of you up. Sakura, I said something irresponsible to you in an effort to put you at ease… I must have been trying to convince myself of that too. I’m sorry I was such a careless sensei.” _

Kakashi had looked back at Sakura with another reassuring smile and had confidently given her another careless promise.

_ “I will take on what would have been your burden. I guess you could say it’s my responsibility, all right?” _

It was hard to believe that  _ that  _ Sakura -- the young and naive one -- was the same one lying in his arms… 18 years later.

At the time, Sakura was simply  _ Sakura _ . She was his student -- if she could really be considered that. He didn’t really  _ teach _ her much. She was more like a teenager that he was responsible for… but today, despite their former dynamic, she was no longer that person to him.

Sakura had somehow become the  _ only  _ woman to ever get  _ this _ close to his heart.

As he held on to her, he observed her peaceful expression and wondered how the  _ old burdens _ had manifested into  _ new _ , equally painful ones.

The idea that  _ her burdens _ were now  _ his responsibility _ had taken on a new form, a deeper meaning.

But even as a 32 year old woman, there was a fundamental quality to Sakura that had never changed in age -- she was driven by an altruistic need to fight for what she believed in, to follow her heart. It was an admirable quality in her -- one that he lacked himself -- but it was one that led good people like her into danger.

And  _ that _ was the problem with long-term infiltration missions. Someone was bound to become emotionally invested, and Sakura was emotionally invested. He was concerned that Sakura’s  _ new  _ burdens, the pain she carried with her amplified her drastic need to save Sayuri.

How could he comfort her this time? And could he truly stop her from running into danger when he could not stop her before? Could he stop her from doing what she thought was the right thing?

Sure, he knew that the morally right thing to do was to pursue Masuyo before he could kill anyone else, but their orders were to collect information and not to act without the approval of Konoha.

When had Kakashi ever strayed from an absolute order from the Hokage himself? And as the Rokudaime, could he  _ really _ act to undermine the orders of the Nanadaime?

_ No _ .

Lives were at stake, but they were not  _ her _ life. He understood that his conflicting emotions were out of cowardice. He couldn’t avoid putting her in danger, but if there was a possibility of minimizing it, he’d take it -- even if he knew Sakura would be enraged to discover his motivations in hiding things from her.

Loss had haunted him for so many years that he would do anything to avoid it again. He didn’t want to lose her, and if anything happened, he knew he would blame himself. 

And this time, it was likely that he wouldn’t recover from it.

_ He loved her _ .

Kakashi sighed… This was much too complicated. 

_ We should have never gone on this mission… I retired so that I wouldn’t have to go through this shit anymore. _

But… if he had never agreed to go on this mission with Sakura, he never would have known what it felt like to love and feel love in return…

Yet maybe that would have been better. As he saw it, there were only two possible routes from here: either they would go separate ways at the end of this mission, and she’d continue trying to love Sasuke as if this  _ thing _ had never happened; or she’d leave Sasuke to be with him.

He’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit he preferred the latter… but if that happened, he’d lose Sasuke too.

But… hadn’t he  _ already _ lost him?

As he reminisced further about that fateful showdown on the bridge, the fears and messages seemed to remain applicable today. The Uchiha had  _ marked _ them, forever changing the outcome of their lives.

The only difference in the messages between then and now were  _ who  _ should say it and  _ who _ should be hearing it.

Back then, Sakura had pleaded with Naruto to stop tormenting himself over Sasuke’s mistakes…  _ Today _ , it was  _ Sakura _ who needed to stop tormenting herself over  her relationship with Sasuke. 

_ Sakura, are you listening to your own advice? _

She had always taken on so  _ many _ burdens -- and just as he had back then, Kakashi found himself invested and all too willing to share it with her. Yet… this time, Kakashi felt that they too were adding to Sasuke’s never-ending pile of burdens. 

No one was innocent here, and no matter what Sasuke did to Sakura, no matter Sakura did to Sasuke,  _ neither of them _ deserved this outcome… and Kakashi did not belong in this equation. If he had not chosen to selfishly act on his feelings for her, would Sakura and Sasuke have  _ one less burden _ ?

_ “I was the leader of Team 7… It was my cowardice that split all of you up.” _

What was he doing…? Again…?

And then he heard Naruto’s voice.

_ “I hate people who lie to themselves _ . _ ” _

Kakashi was tired--not just physically, but tired of the emotional rollercoaster he seemed to be putting himself through. He was tired of his contradictory desires and actions. He was tired of his enormous guilt. He wanted to be free of all of it yet be with her at the same time.

He was  _ not _ the same clear-thinking, impartial, analytical Kakashi he had been for most of his life. He had always been a man steadfast in his mannerisms, yet he was being changed by his love for a woman.

Finally Kakashi understood what others had meant when they warned that love would drastically change a man.

No matter how badly he wanted to, he couldn’t lie to himself this time. He knew that he wasn’t going anywhere.

Logic, no matter how hard he battled himself, no matter how many times he tried to rationalize his way out of this affair, could not win against the intense emotions he held for Sakura.

At 46 years old, Hatake Kakashi reflected on his own inner journey, reflected on how he ended up here.

He went from a normal child to a hard and closed boy. That numbness later molded him into a ruthless teenager, then into a man much too afraid of further loss and relationships, which later made him feel like a  _ failed _ mentor.

But when he had reconciled with Obito, he had finally allowed himself to break away from past traumas and he had become a leader, though not entirely by choice.

Yet if one thing remained stagnant and unchanging in his life since childhood, it was the distance in which he kept those who were closest to him. Kakashi recognized that perhaps he had been doing so all along subconsciously, but it had happened nonetheless.

To him, getting  _ too _ close to someone could be more dangerous than an S-ranked mission… yet here was this beautiful woman who had managed to push past his final method of self-protection.

He was afraid. Sakura held in her hands the ability to bring him great happiness or great sorrow, and he was not used to such a loss of autonomy…

Yet, no matter the outcome of her decisions, he understood that either emotion was inescapable; he’d inherit them both. He would lose Sakura  _ or _ Sasuke no matter what… 

Groaning inwardly, he heard Sakura’s voice replaying in his mind.

_ I just want to stop feeling so bad about myself… and for once, I’m going to do what I want _ …

There was  _ nothing _ about this mission or this affair that was absolutely clear to him -- he was consistently going in circles, over, and over, and over, and over again… 

But if there was  _ one _ thing that was clear, it was that what he wanted more than anything in this moment was to know that everything was okay between he and Sakura. 

He  _ needed  _ to know so that he could sleep, so that he could end the tumult inside him, so that he could stop beating himself up about all of the history, the lies, the deception, the kind of untrustworthy and meddling man that he felt he was turning out to be...

As he cradled her sleeping figure in his arms, he moved his palm from the side of her head to her cheek, caressing her as he called her name.

“Sakura…?”

She didn’t stir. He called to her once again with more energy, ensuring to keep his tone gentle.

“Sakura…?”

At the second call, she began to draw her body into his.

“Mmm…?” she hummed as her eyes fluttered into slow awareness. She looked up at him with sleepy, glazed eyes.

“Sakura, I… I just…” he began. His eyes morphed into a look of strained worry.

“Kakashi?” she asked with a concerned tone, the energy lifting in her voice as she pulled herself into a sitting position. His body felt coldness spreading where Sakura’s warm body once lay sleeping.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just… want to know that we’re okay.”

Sakura tilted her head and curled her eyebrows. Her hair slid off of her shoulder in bundles on her back as she shifted her weight towards him, waiting. 

“You were so angry,” he continued. “I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at me like that before.”

_ If only you knew _ , he thought,  _ how sorry I am for lying to you _ ...

Yet despite Kakashi’s worries, Sakura’s first reaction was to reach out, slip her hands around his neck and into his hair, pulling him closer to her so that  _ he _ could lay his head on her. Her fingers worked gently through his hair as she cradled him.

“Yes,” she cooed softly as she ran her fingers through his silver locks. “We’re okay…”

She smiled with both her lips and her eyes, and Kakashi saw nothing but the genuine truth reflected there.

“I was just… mad at the situation. It’s not your fault. It never would be…”

With her palm, she pulled back his silver bangs and held them. With her other hand, she held her hair around her own neck to prevent it from slipping. Then, she drew her head down to leave a soft kiss on his forehead.

“I’m sorry, Kakashi…” she whispered, replacing her hand on his forehead as her lips retreated.

When her fingers combed through his hair, it was almost as if her fingers were curling underneath whatever protective emotional guards he had up, letting herself into the dark corners of his heart. 

She was under his skin.

This was a kind of vulnerability that he wasn’t sure he’d  _ ever _ get used to, and he was sharing it with her.

Kakashi looked up at her from her lap, feeling as though Sakura knew all the ways to disarm him, to make him feel like things were temporarily  _ right _ in the world.

He reached up, cupped her cheek and gave her a genuine smile.

There was so much left unsaid, unresolved… but for now, this would be enough.

“I’m sorry for waking you,” he whispered, grazing her cheek with his thumb.

“It’s okay,” she said as Kakashi lifted himself to close the distance between them.

Right before he pressed his lips onto hers, he heard Sakura murmur, “I’m glad you did…”

Yet with her soft kiss came an unwelcome memory, a reminder of a fast-approaching winter season…

_ “Why are you getting so upset?” she asked with a dismissive smile. “I’m telling you that I like you now instead of Sasuke. You know the saying, ‘women are as fickle as the autumn weather.’” _


	33. Familial Ties

“Huuuuuuuu….” Sakura sighed just as she reached the front of Fujiko’s shop. 

It was winter and since Fujiko’s shop was basically a tent, entering the shop offered her no solace from the freezing cold.

Due to last night’s events, Sakura had not slept very well. She had stayed up way past midnight selfishly taking her frustrations out on Kakashi, and then he’d woken her up in a rare moment of vulnerability.

Admittedly, Sakura felt terrible for letting her emotions control her. The outcome of the mission was not Kakashi’s fault, yet she’d allowed herself to become wrongfully angry with him. 

“Fujiko-san!” Sakura called out as the curtain flaps settled behind her. “I’m here!”

It was hard for her to believe that she’d been so upset that Kakashi felt the need to seek reassurance from her. Strangely enough, there was something relatively adorable about it, something sincere… of course, she felt bad that he felt that way because of her actions, and she had felt the maternal urge to  _ fix it _ . Yet, as selfish at it appeared to herself, she couldn’t help but feel as though Kakashi’s need for her made her feel entirely more loved.

“Give me a moment,” a strained voice called from the back.

Sakura made her way past the aisles of hanging scarves and around the backside of the wooden cashier’s table. 

Her first order of business was to light the little iron heater that she kept on the floor beside the desk. It never provided her much warmth, but it was better than nothing.

Then she unzipped and began to shrug the woolen coat off of her shoulders, she thought about how she’d been indulging a little  _ too _ much in her selfish desires lately, how she’d been a little to carelessly comfortable in her actions as of lately. Sakura deposited her coat onto the rack and exchanged it with her work apron. 

Once she had slid it over her neck, her fingers dragged over the metal chain of Kakashi’s necklace.

_ Oh _ , she thought as her fingers slid underneath her hair toward the front of the necklace, unable to free her mind over thoughts of him… his sadness, his sweetness, his warmth.

Sakura leaned her elbows against the the counter and closed her eyes. She rested her cheek against the palm of her hand and rolled the pendant between the fingers of the other.

Her heart was full yet it was causing her distress. All morning she had wondered why she wasn’t more upset about last night, about seeing Sasuke, about breaking down into Kakashi’s arms in front of him.

It was more so upsetting to her that she  _ wasn’t _ . Something in her had switched following Sasuke’s absence, especially since she and Kakashi had openly begun to act on their feelings…

Why  _ wasn’t  _ she panicked by all of it?

Why did it feel like everything was  _ right _ in her world?

“Harunaaaaa!” Fujiko sung melodically as her voice drew closer.

Sakura immediately pushed herself into an upright position.

“Yes, Fujiko-san?”

Fujiko turned the corner from the storage and hanging room. She was wearing a heavy knitted sweater and one her woolen scarves.

“Ah, look at you!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in worry and reaching out to cup Sakura’s face. Her hands were like icicles.

“Wh-wha…?” 

Sakura stumbled backwards, startled by the Fujiko’s sudden approach and freezing touch.

Fujiko pulled roughly at the skin beneath Sakura’s eyes with her thumbs, observing closely as she bent towards her face. She peered at Sakura’s features intently, frozen in Fujiko’s hands as she lightly slapped both of her cheeks.

“You look tired,” she concluded. “A lot more so today than you have been lately. I’ve noticed.”

“Fujiko-san?” Sakura asked confusedly.

“You’ve been pale, sighing, definitely not as energetic as you usually are. And look at those puffy eyes of yours!”

Fujiko let go of Sakura’s face and placed both hands on her hips, right above the straps of her apron. She switched her weight to one side and offered Sakura a sly, knowing grin.

“I’ve heard,” Fujiko declared triumphantly.

Sakura tilted her head and creased her brows in confusion.

“Oh, don’t give me that look!” she said as she rushed in on Sakura, twirling her to untie the strings of her apron. “I’ve heard from Zenhichi that you and Takashi-san are  _ trying _ and that you’ve been showing symptoms. That would explain everything!”

“Huh?” Sakura exclaimed, eyes wide open in shock and Fujiko forcefully spun her body again to face her, tugging off Sakura’s apron.

“Go home and rest,” Fujiko ordered, moving behind Sakura to hang her apron back onto the rack and grabbing her coat.

“But—”

“No buts!” she said with a matronly smile. She stuffed Sakura’s coat into her arms. “Go home and  _ rest _ . It’s too cold today for a pregnant woman to be out here. When the sickness passes, we can have you focused on other work like selling.”

“But I’m… but the store…” 

“Don’t worry about the store,” said Fujiko as she wiggled her fingers dismissively. “We have enough stock to last us for some time. With your help, I have more inventory than I had last winter. Now go on.”

Fujiko began to lightly guide Sakura’s body away from the cashier’s table as she shooed her. At this point, Sakura didn’t feel the need to protest any longer. Although she didn’t understand where this was coming from, she really wasn’t in the mood to work, and it didn’t seem as though Fujiko would let her stay anyway. Fujiko was seeing something in her that she  _ wanted  _ to see. There was no use in trying to convince Fujiko at this moment that she wasn’t pregnant. And so, when Sakura reached the flaps of the entryway, she turned to thank Fujiko for her kindness and walked out of the door.

_ Pregnant? _ Sakura thought.  _ Where the hell did Zenhichi get that idea? _

There was only one possibility… and she’d definitely mess with Kakashi a little bit for not preparing her for this. It was just another thing to think about among the many.

* * *

 

The walk home had been slow and leisurely.

Without Sayuri, Sakura felt as though her presence in this town was in limbo. It had been so long since she felt as though she had nothing to do, especially since rotations had begun weeks before.

As she made her way through the town square, passing the bustle of commerce towards the residential area, she wondered about Masuyo’s whereabouts, where he had taken Sayuri and for what purpose, and if they could have done anything more to prevent this outcome. 

And with this moment of clarity, Sakura felt the need to admonish her own behavior. 

Danger and loss had always been part of the job. She knew that shinobi had understand that death could not be a stranger. It wasn’t necessarily her role to be a hero despite what many civilians might believe about them. Her task was simply to collect information as the Hokage ordered, not to be a savior. She hoped, however, that in doing so, they would be able to prevent any future harm.

But as an undercover shinobi, loss was expected… Sayuri was a victim to that process. She knew that Sasuke and Kakashi were right; she couldn’t blow their cover. 

Turning the corner of her block, Sakura shook her head reproachfully because she had allowed herself to become too invested in her target.

This was a mission.

As she made her way up the steps to her apartment door, she wondered what she would do now.

Her target was kidnapped and likely dead, Kakashi was in class, and hers wasn’t until tomorrow.

When Sakura unlocked her door and walked in, she briefly thought about Sai and Sasuke’s whereabouts, and she considered if she should seek him out. Yet that idea had been dismissed the moment she shut the door behind her.

She couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that came with the thought. She didn’t want to see Sasuke at all, especially after what had happened last night.

All she could think of doing was to paint. She didn’t really understand  _ how _ she felt, but she recalled Sai’s voice encouraging her to paint what she felt.

Maybe the canvas would bring her more clarity. Maybe she enjoyed these art classes more than she wanted to admit.

Sakura swiftly kicked off her boots at the door and hung her coat on the rack. She crouched down to dig into her school bag, retrieving a medium-sized canvas and her paint set. Afterwards, she walked towards the table and began to set up, but the thought of Sasuke continued to invade her conscience.

_ Your target, Sayuri, is missing _ .

His cold, unaffected voice echoed in her mind, the memory of his emotionless eyes burning holes into existence within her chest.

_ How could he be so damn blunt? _ She wondered to herself as she began to mix colors onto her palette.

The vision of Kakashi’s concerned face and Sai’s uncharacteristic attention on her made her feel as though Sasuke was the  _ only _ one who was inattentive to Sakura’s feelings. Sai and Kakashi seemed to hesitate when she had yelled at them.

_ What the hell is going on? Why is everyone looking at me like I’m a wounded animal? _

_ Your target, Sayuri, is missing _ .

The great irony of this memory was that Sasuke was the only one who gave her what she had asked for, yet he had upset her by doing just that. Sasuke didn’t hesitate to answer her first question, whereas it had been clear to her that Kakashi had been guarding this information. 

Sasuke was just so insensitive! And Sasuke had basically stated that he  _ expected _ her to do something stupid in response!

She groaned inwardly, finally ready to begin a light sketch on the canvas. She allowed the pencil to move on its own.

Sakura didn’t understand any of it. She didn’t know what she wanted. She hated that she was being treated like someone who couldn’t handle the information, yet she had sort of  _ shown them _ that they weren’t wrong in assuming so… and then she felt bitterness for the one person who didn’t hold back.

As the pencil dragged its way across the canvas and took her hand with it, she wondered if…  _ it was too late for Sasuke _ … if anything he did at this point would cause her irritation to no end… if anything he did could live up to the kind of love Kakashi had shown her in just a few short months… 

_ Maybe _ ,  _ just maybe _ , she thought to herself,  _ this means… it’s over between Sasuke and I…? _

For the first time, the thought of leaving Sasuke didn’t assault her chest with heavy feelings.

With this seemingly novel concept came the vision of Kakashi’s smiling face, and the notion that no matter what she did, no matter what Sasuke did, Sasuke seemed to be getting further and further away from her in every way… 

If that had not been true, then she would have felt  _ something _ . 

But she felt nothing at this moment, not for him.

For the first time, she felt nothing for Sasuke when she saw him, not even nervousness, not even a need for approval, only anger for the situation.

She felt nothing for Sasuke when she was kissing Kakashi at night, only the feeling of fulfillment in her chest.

She felt nothing for Sasuke when she awoke smiling at another man beside her, only the peaceful bliss of having someone to call  _ home _ in the the morning.

She felt nothing for Sasuke when she begged for Kakashi to curl his fingers inside of her and wrapped her fist around him, only the desire for more of him coiled within her.

She felt nothing for Sasuke when Kakashi brought her to climax, only the most mind-blowing orgasm she’d ever experienced through foreplay.

She felt nothing for him—no guilt, no sadness…. Nothing.

How could that be?

_ Because all of that made you happy _ .

Sakura listened to the voice of truth within her. Kakashi allowed her to feel like  _ nothing _ was wrong in every single one of those moments. It was as though he was perfect for her. Kakashi gave her and made her feel everything that Sasuke couldn’t.

Yet the feeling of guilt was not entirely absent — instead it had been redirected to something else.

She felt an incredible guilt in recognizing that  _ this was a mission _ and it was allowing her to ignore everything that she felt was wrong in her  _ real _ life in Konoha. 

She knew that she was creating larger problems for herself in the end, yet she couldn’t bring herself to stop.

Sakura was afraid for the mission to end… because when it ended, she knew she’d have to make a decision, and she knew she’d have to reconcile all of the conflicts that she created while she was away.

Fear… Love… Happiness… Longing… 

These were the emotions she felt the strongest.

And as she looked at the canvas, she saw the likeness of Sarada depicted there.

_ I hope you get to come home soon too. But don’t rush your mission for me! I’ll be waiting for you. _

_ Love, Sarada _

As per Sai’s advice, Sakura had automatically focused on Sarada’s upper torso, cutting the image just under her nose to show her sweet grin and her pointed chin. Her shoulders were raised in excitement, as if she were standing in an eager battle stance, yet her clothing was that of her younger days. It was the red cardigan with the yellow scarf — Sakura’s favorite look of her daughter’s.

She had been so young, so innocent, and so cute then…

Sakura smiled at the image. Sarada was the embodiment of all the emotions she felt at this moment. To this day, despite the poor family decisions Sakura had made, Sarada was the one thing in this world that made sense to her, the one thing she loved and longed for more than anything.

But Sarada was also the source of her greatest fear.

At the end of the day, it wasn’t necessarily  _ Sasuke’s _ reaction that she was afraid of… she wouldn’t enjoy it but she knew she could handle any disapproval that came from others…

But what she  _ couldn’t _ handle was crushing her daughter… yet… that’s exactly what she felt that she was going to do.

_ She wasn't in love her daughter’s father anymore _ …

Would she… understand? Would Sarada despise her?

But Sakura could not answer her own questions and—like everything else that was negative in this mission—she just wanted to  _ pretend _ it didn’t exist.

This enclosed mission allowed her to do that, even if it was wrong, even if she  _ knew _ she was escaping.

_ Just for now _ … she thought.

But even then, she knew she was fooling herself… twice.

There was nothing about this mission that would remain as a  _ for now _ .

* * *

Kakashi let out an enormous sigh, tired from a slow day of poetry writing and reading as he walked into the apartment and shut the door behind him. He had wanted to take Sakura’s offer to drop out of the poetry class, but with Sayuri’s disappearance, he knew they’d need to figure out their next steps first.

As he stood by the door, he immediately rubbed his hands together, warming himself as he shed the winter cold from this skin.

Kakashi was immediately greeted with the sweet and savory smell of teriyaki chicken. As he placed his bag beside Sakura’s, he pulled off his shoes and looked up to see Sakura cooking in an apron.

“Tadaima,” he greeted with eyebrows raised, mouth watering from hunger.

“Okaeri,” she responded happily, though not turning away from her task on the counter. He heard the sound of clattering plates and scraping on metal.

Kakashi straightened his back to remove his coat and scarf, hanging it by the door as he watched her. 

Since rotations began, they’d become so busy that they’d hardly had any time to really eat and cook together, not since they’d arrived at Takumi. Instead, a more common sight was to see a plate left out for the other person, and so to see Sakura cooking was a welcomed sight that caused an automatic smirk on his lips.

As he watched her, he wished that he could stop time, that they could live their days just like this. 

Kakashi’s footsteps tapped heavily across the wooden floors as he approached her at the counter. She was plating their food, just on time for them to eat when he arrived home. Kakashi slid one hand onto her waist and used the other hand to swipe her hair over her shoulder. He buried his lips onto her exposed neck as she automatically leaned her back into his chest.

Kakashi slipped a hand underneath the hem of her shirt, causing Sakura to yelp.

“Ah! You’re so cold!” she exclaimed as she wiggled against him.

“Sorry,” Kakashi laughed, pulling her into a tight embrace. “You’re just so warm…”

He nuzzled nose into her hair, knowing that she was playfully pouting in his arms.

“I missed this…” he whispered, continuing to leave soft kisses on the back of her neck.

“Missed what exactly?” she hummed sweetly, moving her head to the side of his face to kiss his cheek. She let go of the plate she was holding in her hands. 

Kakashi couldn’t help but catch her lips the second time she tried to kiss him.

“The sight of you cooking for me.”

He watched Sakura’s lips curl into a wider smile and she began to nuzzle against him. He moved both hands around her waist to hug her from behind.

“Why can’t it be like this every night?” he asked quietly, kissing her forehead as he rocked their bodies affectionately within his embrace.

“Ah, you mean having a wife to dote over you when you come home from a day’s work?”

Sakura’s teasing question sparked a dull moment of heartache within him. The word “wife” reminded him that none of this was real because it was associated with  _ Sasuke _ , that this moment with her was merely ephemeral.

He forced himself to look past it.

“Exactly,” he replied cheerily, smiling with both his mouth and his closed eyes. “It’s quite nice, don’t you think?”

Sakura giggled in his arms, leaning forward for a moment before returning her head against his shoulder. She kissed his jaw once before continuing.

“It is, isn’t it? But I wouldn’t get too used to it.”

The feeling in his chest seemed to amplify. What was she going to say next?

“Why’s that?”

He hoped with all of his heart that Sakura wouldn’t say something about going home soon.

“Ah,” she said lightly, feeling optimistic from hearing her tone. “Because apparently I’m  _ pregnant _ .”

Kakashi swore his brain started reeling. The first thing that came to mind what pure confusion. It was the last sentence on earth that he expected to come out of her mouth. The first thing that came to mind was  _ him _ as a father, but he immediately dismissed it because it wasn’t possible. The second thing that came to mind was Sasuke… when she… came back from seeing Sasuke in the forest…

But she wouldn’t just…  _ openly _ tell him something like that, right?

He looked down at her with a crinkled brow to see a triumphant smirk on her face as she crossed her arms with her back against his chest.

_ It couldn’t be _ .

“Not  _ really _ pregnant, silly,” she teased, laughing a little as she nudged him with her shoulder.

“Oh… of course,” he said entirely flustered. “I mean, how could you be?”

“Magical pregnancy, I suppose,” she replied with a shrug of her shoulders. “So when were you going to tell me that I had to start acting pregnant?”

_ Oh _ …  _ that. _ Kakashi thought. 

“Ah,” Kakashi hummed, removing a hand from her waist and raising it to rub the back of his head. “I didn’t think Zenhichi would take it that seriously. I just said you weren’t feeling well to get out of work and he ran off with his conclusions.”

Sakura giggled and turned her body around. She slid her palms up his chest and then wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Fujiko-san was the same way. She sent me home because I looked tired.”

And then Sakura looked up at him with teasing eyes and a smirk, the tone of their conversation shifting with a single glance. Her voice dropped in volume.

“So… when were you going to  _ pretend _ to publicly dote over your  _ pretend- _ pregnant wife?”

A warm hand slid down to rest just above his chest and he felt his grip get tighter on her waist.

Kakashi smirked in response, tipping his head back as he slid both hands down her thighs and picked her up.

Sakura’s grin turned devilish as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He walked them just slightly to the left, away from the plated food so that he could sit her onto the counter.

Kakashi placed his forehead against hers as her arms hooked around his neck again. He looked down at her with hooded eyes as she maintained her playful demeanor.

“Maybe after we actually tell them that we’re  _ trying _ to have children,” he said lowly. “Only for pretend, of course.”

Kakashi rolled his forehead over hers, drawing his lips closer and closer.

He felt Sakura’s breath on his lips as she said the words that sent his desire through the roof.

“Why don’t we  _ practice _ trying…”

Sakura moved her head forward to kiss him, but he pulled his head back ever so slightly, just to tease her a little bit. He smirked and chuckled when she pouted.

“What about the food?” he asked teasingly, as if he were really going to stop what was happening between them.

“Dinner can wait…”

And then Sakura dug her hands into his hair and pulled his head forward, kissing him roughly yet never letting her smile fade.

Kakashi felt himself stirring in his pants against her. He kissed her slowly, thinking about how they really shouldn’t be doing this  _ right now _ , while Sasuke and Sai were in the vicinity, but he really didn’t want to stop.

Yet, as if on cue, he had felt someone’s presence approaching, sending him and Sakura into alert.

He knew she’d sensed it too, because she’d gasped and tore her hands and lips away from him. 

Kakashi blinked himself away and into a seat at the table, crossing his legs to hide her effect on him. 

Yet the moment they’d heard a tap on their balcony door, they’d looked up to see Sai’s arrival.

Kakashi looked at Sai’s face to see a hint of hesitancy, but he knew that Sai had to enter to avoid being seen.

Kakashi turned to look at Sakura for a moment to see the look of pure fear registering on her face, and then back to the door to see the intruder enter the room. A cold gust of air entered with him.

“Hello,” Sai said lowly, almost cautiously as he opened the door and shut it quietly behind him. 

“Hey,” Sakura replied forcibly, too clearly trying to play it off.

And then they sat, waiting for someone to say  _ something,  _ but the silence between the three of them was booming.

Kakashi and Sakura knew then, without a doubt, that Sai had seen everything.

* * *

Kakashi sat on the rooftop under the moonlight, listening to the chirp of insects as he waited for time to pass. He rubbed his hands to warm them.  _ This _ time, he’d prepared to be outdoors for long. He had put on a heavy coat, wrapped his scarf tightly around his neck and chin, and had even put on some gloves that Sakura had picked up from Fujiko’s store.

Sai had come to speak to them about the mission. Since Sakura’s target had gone missing, Sai felt it was best for Sakura to go into class with the full intention of grabbing attention. Sai had looked up at Kakashi and nodded at him.

Kakashi had scrutinized Sai’s message with guilty eyes. Sai wanted to tell him something.

Yet instead of sticking around to bask in the tension of Sakura and Sai’s next painting session, Kakashi had excused himself to the rooftop. He’d swiped a random copy of Icha Icha off of the coffee table and had left with the excuse that he would be reading outside.

Neither Sai nor Sakura knew that Kakashi hadn’t opened a single page of this series since the last time… after the autumn festival. 

Strangely enough, this was one of the longest stints he’d ever gone without reading his classic favorites. And as he sat on the rooftop, thumbing through the pages and fumbling with the hardcover, Kakashi looked at his old friend as if it were a stranger…

Instead, as he passively fondled the hardbound novel, Kakashi had been contemplating over getting caught in the act with Sakura.

He wondered what Sai must’ve been thinking… what Sasuke would do or say to them if he’d truly found out… what Sakura would do now in the face of being exposed.

Since they last saw Sasuke, Kakashi had been stuck on the possibility that they’d outed themselves that night. And even if they hadn’t, he knew that eventually Sai would catch on. Truthfully, he and Sakura hadn’t been very discreet. It was clear that there was more to their relationship than the mission cover, and anyone who knew Kakashi and Sakura would be able to see that something was going on between them… especially since Sai had been granted access into their mission home. All the evidence was there on the walls, on the cabinet, in their shared bed and empty couch, and in the look of their eyes.

Sure, Sai had always been socially awkward, but he'd certainly improved over the years, and like any skilled shinobi, he was trained in picking up small signal, trained in subtle observation.

Kakashi sighed heavily and laid himself back onto the floor of the rooftop. He threw an arm back to use it as a pillow and covered his face with a book, just as he used to do in the Konoha trees, but unlike Konoha, everything around him was too cold for comfort.

Kakashi was a shinobi… Sakura was a kunoichi… they knew better. They knew they’d be working in close proximity with other shinobi that also knew better.

How could they have been so careless?

But the vision of Sakura’s tear-stained face flooded his memory.

_ I’m a mother now, not a kunoichi… _

He remembered her intense insecurity, the look of someone who’d lost her identity.

_ You will always be a kunoichi, _ he’d told her… and he’d meant it.

Yet, just as she had said, it had been years since either of them had been active on the field. She’d stayed in Konoha since becoming a mother, and he’d had much less action since becoming the Rokudaime, and even less since retirement.

After years of being in the same profession, it was not that they were less effective…

Maybe it was that they thought that they could be so thoughtlessly effective that their focus was elsewhere.

He thought back to the vision of Sakura walking silently beside her husband as they walked away from Hokage Tower.

He thought about the personal mission he’d given himself when he sent Sakura that envelope to pay for dinner.

He remembered standing in front of the postal office, wondering what he could possibly do to make Sakura feel like going on this mission was the right decision for his happiness—that he’d  _ try _ for her sake, passively recognizing that trying for  _ her  _ would make him happy too.

Even then, before he allowed himself to realize his attraction to Sakura, he understood that he enjoyed her company much more than he should.

And in looking back, he’d found the answer to his question.

How could they have been so careless?

The answer was that neither of them went into this mission with the mindset that this was a mission.

It was more like a field trip, a personal journey, even  _ if _ they knew that there was some sort of link to the Otsutsuki here,  _ most _ of these informational missions led to nothing, a false lead.

That meant that—if he was being honest with himself—Sakura and Kakashi had come here for selfish reasons, for themselves, to enjoy themselves, to get away from their life at home.

Neither of them knew it would end up  _ like this _ , but he knew that this was the reason they’d allowed themselves to be careless…

They were here for themselves, for Sakura’s happiness, for companionship— _ that _ was their focus here, even if they wouldn’t audibly admit it. And even if this mission had caused moments of distress, even if they knew this would spiral into something greater, more painful,  _ for now _ , they had been successful in their primary purpose. 

They were living an illusion of happiness.

The mission was secondary.

“Kakashi,” a voice whispered from above him, a light tap of feet landing nearby.

He knew that eventually Sai would show up to speak to him.

Kakashi remained motionless as he responded monotonously.

“Did she tell you everything?” he said from beneath the cover of the book.

“No. Sakura was quiet the entire time and didn’t seem like she wanted to talk about it. She’s likely afraid that I’ll say something to Sasuke.”

Kakashi moved an arm to grab the book on his face. He snapped it shut and pulled himself into a seated position, leaning his body weight onto the arm behind him. He looked up at Sai’s pale, expressionless face that seemed to glow a bright white under the winter moon.

“You’ve known though, haven’t you? Even before tonight.”

“I knew the moment I entered your apartment.”

Sai moved to lean his back against the railing of the roofing, his arms were crossed and he tilted his head down with closed eyes.

“How?”

Kakashi had asked without a purpose. He already knew the answer.

“If it wasn’t for the way you were looking at each other, Sakura’s portrait and the photograph of the two of you said everything. At first, I wasn’t entirely sure, but the more I learned about this Sayuri person, and the more time I spent in your apartment, the more the pieces seemed to fit together.”

Kakashi noted that Sai had avoided the evidence about the bed.

“And last night,” Sai continued. “The way she responded to you was a clear sign.”

“And Sasuke?” Kakashi managed to ask quietly, dread spreading through his chest.

“He stood there silently watching the two of you leave. I don’t know what he’s witnessed at other meetings, but I’m sure he suspects something by now.”

Kakashi swallowed thickly. _ Shit _ .

“Where is he now?” he asked. He let go of the  _ Icha Icha _ book and rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger.

“At our camp, preparing a message to Naruto and Shikamaru about our options.”

Suddenly, it was quiet between them. Only the sounds of the dry leaves tumbling in the wind and the rhythmic calls of insects filled the space.

The last thing on Kakashi’s mind was the mission report. All he could think about was Sasuke and the enormous guilt collecting in his chest.

He couldn’t bear to look up at Sai, and simply stared down into his lap.

“Rokudaime,” he interrupted sternly. “with all due respect, what are you doing?”

Kakashi exhaled heavily, closing his eyes and sliding his palm down his forehead to rub the bridge of his nose.

“She was… so  _ unhappy _ …” he began, trying to make sense of how it ended up this way, trying to put his confused and morally unjust feelings into a coherent sentence.

“She’s married,” Sai stated blankly.

Kakashi couldn’t help but chuckle at the strange situation he found himself in.

Sai, of all people, the historically awkward Saw who married the social butterfly of Konoha, was here, questioning  _ him _ about the ethics of his relationship, attempting to lead him towards some sort of heartfelt realization.

He sighed again and looked at Sai straight in the eye.

“I  _ know _ this is wrong, Sai.”

A pause. Kakashi looked away for a moment and wondered if he was  _ really _ about to admit something he’d never said out loud to Sai.

“And… I’m not looking for pity but I’ve been alone all this time and she was  _ so, so _ unhappy about her life, her marriage.”

He looked up again with a strained look. He could see his breath forming into smoke in the cold air as if his guilt were materializing in front of him.

“It should have happened, neither of us  _ expected  _ it to happen, and it wasn’t right, but something  _ did _ happen between us. I don’t know how or when exactly, but… it did.”

Kakashi found himself beginning to ramble—which in and of itself was uncharacteristic of him, if not for the entire situation—but he found himself unable to stop. He had to justify his behavior somehow, which seemed to be acceptable as Sai remained silent, observing him with a blank stare.

“Sakura showed me a side to life that I’d been missing all along… Sakura was your teammate too. Haven’t you seen how she’s changed? Don’t you think it’s unfair that the only person who’s  _ content _ in the Uchiha household is  _ Sasuke _ ? While Sarada and Sakura suffer, waiting for him to come home?”

Silence.

Kakashi avoided Sai’s gaze. Maybe he was saying all of this  _ for himself _ and not for Sai, trying to justify the guilt away.

It was sort of working as it slowly began to replace itself with the same old irritation he held for Sasuke’s absence.

“If you don’t get it, I understand…” Kakashi said in an exasperated tone. “I hardly comprehend my own feelings about this.”

“I have seen it,” Sai finally responded, uncrossing him arms to place them on his hips. “Ino has been concerned for Sakura’s wellbeing for years, but the outcome of Sakura and Sasuke’s marriage is not for us to decide… or to meddle in.”

This time, Kakashi was unable to respond.

“And I do understand,” he continued, much to Kakashi’s surprise.

“After I left The Federation, the closest thing I had to a family was Team 7. I know what loneliness is. Camaraderie was all I knew about love, and Sakura’s friendship was part of that… and then  _ Ino _ was the one who showed me what those words really meant.”

Kakashi didn’t know what to say. He was partially glad that Sai understood, but he knew that he still disapproved, just as he should.

“What are your goals in this affair, Kakashi?”

The word  _ affair _ made Kakashi flinch. He and Sakura had never spoken the word to each other, even if they both acknowledged that it was happening… yet he didn’t have an answer for Sai’s question.

“I don’t know…”

Sai turned around to rest his arms over the edge of the railing, looking into the barren trees as he spoke.

“As one of the current leaders for Team 7, I have to ask: is this affair going to compromise the outcome of this mission?”

A moment of silence passed. Kakashi’s mind spun in five hundred different directions.

“... I don’t know.”

And it was the truth. He didn’t know what would happen after this, what he would encounter once he re-entered the apartment.

“Kakashi,” Sai began, turning his head to look back at him. “I have a proposition. Talk to Sakura. Set things straight. If going home and ending your assignment is the answer, then do that. Sasuke and I can see the mission to the end. The target is gone and any ties that you or Sakura have to this mission can easily be dissolved. At this point, we know where Masuyo’s hideout is and we can send reinforcements to scope the area until the Nanadaime gives the order to infiltrate. We won’t have all of the necessary information, but we’ll have something.”

For a moment, Kakashi considered Sai’s proposal, thinking that perhaps it would be best to return home after all… but he knew Sakura would have none of it.

“I’ll talk to her about it.”

Without looking back, Sai nodded in affirmation and began to ready himself for departure.

“Sai,” Kakashi called out, stopping him before he left. “So… are you?”

Sai glanced behind him with his head tilted.

“...Going to tell Sasuke, I mean.”

Sai pulled himself onto the edge of the railing. He crouched on this toes as he balanced himself.

“It’s not my place. My priority is the success of this mission, not to add to the chance for failure. Consider how the two of you can make this right by Sasuke…”

Kakashi felt a moment of relief. He pushed himself off of the frigid ground and maneuvered into a crouching position as well.

“Kakashi,” Sai said quietly, offering a tone of unfamiliar concern. “Sasuke was a part of Team 7 too… the closest thing  _ you _ have to family. Remember that.”

And then he was gone.

_ Damn _ , Kakashi thought. Sai could be really blunt. Maybe he thought it was supposed to be encouraging, but it was a stab in his already wounded chest. 

It was a reminder that Kakashi didn’t need… but maybe that was the point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's coming... It's coming! I'm hoping to get the next one out this weekend. Fingers crossed for time and sanity.
> 
> Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me until now. Thanks to those who have been leaving reviews and encouraging me. If I know myself at all, I really would have stopped writing by now if it weren't for all of you.
> 
> Thanks for all of your patience. <3


	34. Shredded Into Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I spent my entire Easter Sunday writing this sinful piece of work. I finished it at exactly 11:45, and I am posting it an hour later after giving it a re-read.
> 
> With that being said, I also updated my rating to E.
> 
> I hope you had a wholesome Sunday, my lovely readers, because here I am ready to plunge your hearts back into some misery and a drench you with sin!

As Kakashi stood outside of the front door, he had ruminated on Sai’s words for approximately fifteen minutes before he’d decided to head inside. 

_ Sasuke was a part of Team 7 too… the closest thing you have to family. Remember that. _

He couldn’t stop hearing them. They were sinking into his skin as if they were teeth, threatening to rip him apart.

And the more he thought about Sasuke, the more guilty he felt. He saw visions of a young Sasuke in agony and it only added to the feelings of anger he had for his own actions.

But the more he thought about Sasuke, the more he felt his heart yanking him in the other direction…

_ Sakura, too… Sasuke, too! _

He felt for both of them and he was in the middle… yet for Sakura, his feelings were beyond his feelings for Sasuke. 

He felt a protectiveness over Sasuke as his former sensei.

But Sakura had become his lover… but what was the reality behind her feelings? Did she genuinely return his feelings or did she only  _ think _ she loved him because he wasn’t Sasuke?

Once again, there was a door between them, and once again, Kakashi didn’t know what state he’d find Sakura in when he walked through it.

When his hand touched the doorknob, his memory sent him straight back to the night she’d hid herself away in the bathroom…

_ I decided that night that I would never ignore you again, not when the cries for help were so loud, so obvious. You were alone… you were heartbroken.  And even if I wasn’t your sensei, this time… I wanted to help you as a friend. As someone who cares about you. As someone who just wants to see you happy. _

His grip tightened on the knob. 

Was he going to go back on his word to Sakura?

_ I failed Sasuke--and because I saw so much of myself in him, I focused on saving him, leaving you behind as Sasuke and Naruto kept my attention. _

But what about Sasuke…? 

He clenched his eyes shut and heard Sakura’s voice.

_ They were the kids with more pressing needs, not me… they were the parentless children, the ones who were clawing themselves out of the darkness, and I was just… a girl who selfishly took things for granted. _

God, it felt like his heart was shredding into pieces, and the more he thought about his predicament, the more confused he became, the more pain he felt in his chest.

“Fuck!” he muttered harshly under his breath.

He had to get out of this mess. He couldn’t take it anymore. He’d already lived much of his life in the dark alone… what difference would it make to continue? Wouldn’t he be tormented either way?

Sakura could find happiness, and he could help her, but it didn’t have to be like  _ this _ , in  _ this _ way.

No matter how he looked at it, even if he knew how unhappy Sakura had been, nothing,  _ nothing  _ could make this affair  _ right _ .

But Sai had offered him a way out. 

It was time to go home. He could stop this before it continued, before it went so far that they couldn’t turn back. Sarada was still at home waiting for her, Sasuke might still be able to forgive and they could work out their problems—or end them for that matter.

_...the outcome of Sakura and Sasuke’s marriage is not for us to decide… or to meddle in _ .

Sai was right. Kakashi’s brows were tightly knit as his grip on the knob turned to open the door.

He was ready to face Sakura.

It was time to go home.

* * *

When Sai left, Sakura was anchored to her chair with the weight of her fears.

She knew that Sai had gone to speak to Kakashi. That much was obvious given the circumstance. She expected that Kakashi couldn’t have gone far either, and that he just wanted to get away from the tension.

She couldn’t blame him. So did she.

As she sat, the portrait of Sarada was on the table in front of her. Sai had complimented the amount of love that had gone into it, and urged her to do another one of herself.

He’d suggested that if she drew herself, maybe she’d still feel an emotional connection to the piece, and her sensei wouldn’t think the subject were strange.

And so she did just that without saying a word to Sai unless she was prompted. She’d kept all of her responses terse.

But when she painted, she found it hard to connect to the image of herself.

Staring back at her was her likeness  _ smiling _ , radiating some massive lie of bliss that she knew she wasn’t living…

Or maybe it was that the lie was just too real—that she  _ was  _ living that lie after all.

Sai must’ve noticed. Eventually, he’d simply said it was good and took it from her to finish the work.

Now, the paintings were side by side in front of her—paintings of Sarada and Sakura, so clearly different in skill, in color, in mood, so clearly different from the truth and the future that lay ahead.

Neither of them would ever be as happy as these paintings depicted here—not when Sakura was acting so foolishly… so selfishly.

Sakura drew her knees up to her chest on the chair and hugged them, resting her chin atop her knee.

_ What am I doing? _

And then she heard the rattle of the doorknob just before Kakashi had opened the door to walk inside.

Just as it always had lately, she her chest filled up when she saw him, as if Kakashi was all she’d been waiting to see this whole time.

His presence set her at ease.

But then she saw the strain on his face, the turmoil as clear as day, and all she wanted to do was pull him into an embrace and make it go away. 

“Kakashi,” she called out softly, giving him a weak smile as she lowered her feet onto the ground. 

He glanced up once and averted his eyes as he lifted his arm to rub the back of his neck. He sluggishly walked towards her, and Sakura lifted herself to meet him halfway.

Once he was close enough, she reached out to grasp onto the fabric of his coat, wrapping her fingers around his arms. 

She had been watching him affectionately, waiting for him to respond, but Kakashi had been avoiding her gaze the entire time. 

His avoidance made her heart pound in her chest, knocking within her as if it weighed one hundred pounds.

For a moment, Kakashi’s avoidance reminded her of Sasuke’s demeanor every time he had been about to leave for a mission.

Kakashi was keeping an emotional distance from her.

“Why don’t you take this off?” she whispered, attempting to coax him out of whatever guards he had up.

Sakura’s hands slid up to grasp onto the the orange scarf. She lifted it gingerly and slowly moved her hands around his neck to uncoil it. Afterwards, she threw it onto the chair before her fingers latched onto his coat zipper, pulling it down to open it.

But Kakashi did not remove it.

Sakura’s senses were on high alert and she felt her own guards going up.

“Sakura,” Kakashi murmured.

She inhaled sharply as if she were preparing to take a blow.

“I can’t… do this anymore.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

_ No…  _ she thought, as if the world around her was freezing. The breath inside her was trapped, but her fingers gripped tighter onto the edges of his coat.

Neither of them moved. Neither of them breathed. 

Time seemed to stop as Sakura recognized that those five words would plunge her right back into her misery.

She was going to be abandoned again.

She stared at him with widened eyes, yet Kakashi continued to look away, his eyes low and empty as if it had taken him everything to mutter those words.

Sakura couldn’t even cry. Everything within her was frozen.

And when he finally shifted his glance in her direction, his dark eyes seemed to burn a hole in her chest…

_ Just like Sasuke’s eyes… black, black, black…  _

They were cold, unfeeling, decided, and Sakura desperately wanted  _ her _ Kakashi back, the one who would smile at her, the one who would communicate with just  _ one _ look in her direction, the one who made her feel like  _ she _ was the only thing he cared about in this world.

“K-Kakashi…” she chuckled hesitantly, trying to lighten the mood, attempting to break the thick tension between them. “What are you saying?”

“What is this, Sakura?” he said calmly, ignoring her question as he turned to face her, displeasure sprawled across his features.

“What is  _ what? _ ” she responded with a quiet laugh. She felt herself shrinking under his gaze.

“This!” he blurted out impatiently, his face distorting into confusion and irritation. “Us! This  _ thing _ we’re doing here. What is  _ this? _ ”

Kakashi’s voice boomed in her ear. He had  _ never _ used this tone with her, never raised his voice. This wasn’t her Kakashi.

“This is…”

But Sakura couldn’t answer his question… 

“Say it,” he ordered darkly. “What  _ is  _ this, Sakura? What would you call this thing between us?”

The word he wanted to hear was trapped in her throat.

Sakura let go of his coat and slowly began to step away from him, but Kakashi moved quickly to grasp onto her wrist, pulling her body against him once again.

“Say it, Sakura,” he whispered through his teeth. His eyes looked dangerous, as if he were prepared to tear the words out of her at any moment.

“Af—”

She froze. 

“Say it!” he bellowed harshly, keeping her body from moving away from his.

“WE’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR!” Sakura screamed, slapping her hands onto his chest. She stared at him in bewilderment, saying for the first time what neither of them had allowed themselves to recognize out loud before.

Kakashi chin raised and his mouth set into a hard line. To Sakura, his expression looked like satisfaction that tasted sour.

“Are you happy now?” she spat desperately. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Kakashi didn’t let go of her hand and ignored her questions.

“Is this what you want?” he asked bitterly, seemingly unaffected by her outburst.

Sakura knew that he was just  _ hiding _ how he felt...

_ Right? _

“Is this what you want, Sakura?”

“What do you mean?” she cried, wanting all of this to stop. She didn’t want to fight with him. She just wanted Kakashi to wrap his arms around her.

“Do you  _ want _ to to break up your family like this? To be in an affair with me?”

His words sending a knife straight through her chest. Kakashi’s words confronted her with the weight of her actions, what she’d been doing to Sarada behind her back.

“O-of course not…” she whispered, tears beginning to form at the edges of her eyes. “My daughter…”

Kakashi’s head jerked back as his brows scrunched tightly, then he let go of her wrist and backed away with a scoff.

“It’s just a mission, right?” he whispered coldly, looking away from her yet again. “We’re just playing  _ house _ a little too well?”

“No, that’s not—” Sakura began, stepping forward to reach for him again, realizing that Kakashi was completely misunderstanding what she was trying to say.

“This isn’t just a mission to me, Kakashi…” she pleaded, holding her hand out as a warning, signaling to him that she was going to touch him.

Her words seemed to pacify him for a moment. Kakashi made no indication that he was going to move away this time.

“It’s real,” Sakura cried passionately, placing her palm lightly on his chest. “All of it... It’s all real! The feelings we have for each other, the chemistry between us, the feeling I get when you walk into the room...”

His expression softened for a moment morphing back into a deep frown.

“If this is real,” he breathed dismissively, seeming as though he were unsure if he wanted to believe what she was saying. “Then tell me… what do you want from this affair? Is this temporary… is this…?”

“I…” she hesitated, mirroring the look on his face.

She desperately wanted to tell him that she wanted to be with him, that she wanted to love him openly and freely, that she wished  _ Kakashi _ was Sarada’s father and not Sasuke.

But she couldn’t say those things… because she knew that she would end up hurting Kakashi more than he already was if she couldn’t bring herself to change anything.

As it was, she didn’t know if she  _ could _ because of her daughter…

“Kakashi, I…” she forced out as her thumping heart attempted to drown the sound of her words away. “I have a daughter at home.”

And just like that, as if she had said the worst possible thing, he laughed bitterly and stared back at her with icy daggers.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before you kissed me, huh? Before you reached for my—”

“Kakashi!” Sakura yelled as her eyes began to sting at his words. She couldn’t believe that Kakashi would say something so spiteful.

_ Who was this man? _

“Stop it!” she wailed. “You don’t mean that!”

He moved in to grab her, his arms wrapping around her back and his hands fisting into the nape of her long hair, holding her painlessly into place.

“Are you sure?” he warned, eyes dangerously low. The longer she looked into his angry, cold, cold, black eyes, the more she felt the weight in her chest. 

She’d wanted him to hold her, but suddenly she felt so repelled by him.

Yet Kakashi and Sakura were dancing in circles—pulling and pushing away and into each other as if they were magnets.

Both of them were lying to each other, to themselves.

She let him hold her because she knew that was what she wanted no matter what he was saying to her in this moment. She knew that he didn’t mean it.

And so, he held her in silence, his stare penetrating her heart, his scorching breath like a flamethrower on her skin.

“What do you want from this, Sakura?”

She was frozen again…

“I—I don’t know, Kakashi…”

But before she knew it, he was stepping forward, causing her to move backwards until the back of her thighs were pressing against the edge of the table.

“Then let’s go home. Right now,” he said lowly, confidently, as if he had settled this long ago, refusing to give her a choice on the matter. 

“What?” Sakura asked, shaking her head as she hastily rejected that proposition. 

“I said we’re going home.” His arms were caging her onto the table as he hovered over her.

“No!” Sakura complained. “The mission!”

She leaned back onto her elbows to create distance between them.

“ _ Fuck _ the mission!” he roared, voice bellowing as if he were in disbelief that she would think it were an appropriate response.

Again, she was shocked by the man above her, unsure of what to make of it. As he looked at her with disapproving eyes, she felt like he was wearing his metaphoric mask again, guarding all of his emotions from her. He wouldn’t let her in.

“We did our job,” he spat out harshly, gritting his teeth. “We have enough information for Sai and Sasuke to do something.”

“I’m not going home!” she cried, moving forward to push him away from her so that she could slide herself off of the table. “If I go home, Sasuke will be  _ right _ about me! That I couldn’t do this!”

Kakashi laughed once again, but this time it was almost mocking. She felt as though he’d never been so distant from her.

He wasn’t understanding her this time.

“So this is still about Sasuke?” he asked bitterly, letting a chuckle escape his lips as he allowed her to push him away. “It’s about Sasuke and how he sees you? Just Sasuke and nobody else?”

Sakura stood on both feet, her vision blurry as she blinked through her tears. 

_ What…? What does he mean by that? _

He scoffed again before throwing his hand up to grab tightly onto her chin.

“Sakura, listen to me,” he reprimanded quietly, his eyes still low yet seeping with anguish, not loosening his grip as he spoke.

“This is bigger than that. More people are at stake here than just  _ you _ . Open your eyes!”

And then his grip tightened as he drew himself closer to her face.

“I’m a person, Sakura! I have feelings too! I’m not just a toy that you can toss to the side once this mission is over. If this doesn’t stop now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to  _ stop _ seeing you as my wife! Has that ever crossed your mind?!”

Sakura’s eyes widened. She felt her body go limp, but Kakashi’s arms were there to catch her.

“Let’s go home!” he groaned miserably as tears began to form in his eyes. “ _ Please! _ ”

Sakura couldn’t move. The weight in her chest had finally dropped her heart straight through the floor.

His tears had shocked her into awareness, and she finally understood what she was doing to him.

It wasn’t just her… it wasn’t just Sasuke… it wasn’t just Sarada...

How could she not have realized how badly she was hurting Kakashi too?

She wanted to make it right, to make this stop, but she didn’t want him to leave. 

She wanted him to  _ know _ how she felt.

_ Don’t walk away from me...  _ she pleaded to him in her mind.

“No…” she whispered, eyes softening with affection. “I know now that I’ve been selfish but… I don’t want it to end yet, Kakashi…”

Sakura’s limp arms found their strength and they slowly reached up to claw onto his shirt, to pull herself closer to him. She buried her face into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I—I don’t… want you to go away. I don’t want to wake up in the morning without you. I don’t want to stop kissing you… I just… want you.”

She was so, so, sorry. How could she get that through to him? How could she make him understand that she truly meant what she said?

She watched a tear fall straight from Kakashi’s pained eyes, but the anguish would not go away. But for the first time since this fight began, she felt as though she were spilling her soul, telling him the deepest truth that she held within herself.

“Sakura—” he began, and she recognized the tone. He was going to try to persuade her otherwise, to tell her that he didn’t believe her, that this was all fun and games to her.

“No, Kakashi, I—” and she paused, clutching ever so tightly onto his shirt. “I love you!”

And as quickly as the words came out of her mouth, Kakashi smashed his lips onto hers, kissing her passionately with all of the pent of anger and frustration between them.

_ Don’t go! _

The plea replayed over and over again in her mind. 

Sakura was desperate. She couldn’t bear the idea of another lover slipping through her fingers and leaving her alone, not when Kakashi had been so, so perfect for her.

_ Don’t go! Don’t go! _

An unwelcome memory of Sasuke’s departure assaulted her thoughts.

_ Sasuke-kun, I’ll miss you. Before you go, can we…? _

_ Sakura, I need my energy for this mission... _

To shove Sasuke out of her mind, Sakura turned their bodies around to back Kakashi onto the table. She saw his hands move behind him to keep him propped up.

As she kissed him, she found herself clawing at his shirt, emotionally and physically craving a connection to the man she was in love with…

And if her words couldn’t reach him… maybe her  _ body _ could.

Kakashi broke away from the kiss.

“Sakura,” he groaned, gripping onto her waist as he pressed his forehead against hers.

_ “ _ Shh…” Sakura murmured, pulling him back to catch his mouth.

She was going to convince him no matter what it took… and in her mind, there was only one way, the one thing that made Sasuke come back over and over again…

* * *

“I’m not going home!” Sakura cried. As he hovered above her, Sakura pushed herself off of her elbows and leaned forward before shoving him away with her palms.

Kakashi welcomed the shove—he was  _ supposed _ to be getting away from her anyway.

“If I go home, Sasuke will be  _ right _ about me! That I couldn’t do this!”

But those words had slapped him right across the face—it revealed  _ everything _ he had been worried about for  _ weeks. _

“So this is still about Sasuke? It’s about Sasuke and how he sees you? Just Sasuke and nobody else?”

All she cared about was  _ rebelling _ against her husband, but Kakashi felt that  _ he _ was disposable to her, just a pawn after all.

Kakashi felt the bubbling of a cruel laugh within him, and he let it slip through his lips. Yet as Sakura stood hesitantly in front of him, her bright green eyes spilled with precious tears and he felt his resolve breaking.

He had hurt her.

_ Don’t do that… _ he told himself.  _ I won’t be able to back away… _

But  _ he _ was in pain too, and he absolutely  _ needed _ to come out of this argument with some kind of resolution.

“Sakura, listen to me,” Kakashi ground out more harshly than he’d intended, hoping to mask any kind of weakness he had for her tears.

“This is bigger than that. More people are at stake here than just  _ you _ . Open your eyes!”

_ Please… _

Everything within him was sore. His breathing was labored, his muscles were tense, and he felt like all of the emotions within him would drown him.

And then his grip tightened as he drew himself closer to her face, but he couldn’t stop himself from letting his emotions run free.

“I’m a person, Sakura! I have feelings too! I’m not just a toy that you can toss to the side once this mission is over. If this doesn’t stop now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to  _ stop _ seeing you as my wife! Has that ever crossed your mind?!”

Kakashi felt a hot tear sear his skin as it trickled down.

All this time, he’d been urging her to go home. He’d been telling himself that what he wanted to remove himself from the equation, but the desperate truth was that he was  _ dying _ for her to tell him that  _ she would choose him _ .

He didn’t want to be a projection of her perfect husband, he didn’t want to be disposable, he wanted to  _ know _ that she was  _ seeing Kakashi _ and not everything Sasuke wasn’t.

But… she’d said the words…

_ Sasuke will be right about me! _

It was like watching her from a distance. He had no place beside her, and he never had one to begin with...

“Let’s go home!” he begged with eyes clamped shut, fighting for air under this  _ sea _ of pain. “ _ Please! _ ”

And when he opened them, he saw tears spilling from each corner of Sakura’s crestfallen face and felt her legs giving in beneath him. And as if an instinct, paired with his powerlessness against her tears, Kakashi let go of her chin and circled his arm, cradling her against him as each of they cried together for seemingly separate reasons.

They were so physically close but on two entirely different pages.

And then he felt her begin to stir as her arms lifted to lay her warm hands on his chest. He felt his shirt pulling as her grip tightened the shirt within her fist.

“No…” she whispered, and he witnessed a change in her eyes as they softened, all of the anger dissolving with her tears. “I know now that I’ve been selfish but… I don’t want it to end yet, Kakashi…”

_ Don’t look at me like that… _

His resolve was shattering in his arms. She nuzzled her face into his shoulder, and her breath against his skin was melting the fight away.

“I’m sorry, I—I don’t… want you to go away. I don’t want to wake up in the morning without you. I don’t want to stop kissing you… I just… want you.”

_ Don’t lie to me, Sakura… _

But the words were a poisonous ether. They were exactly what he wanted to hear, but they did nothing but upset him because he didn’t know if he could  _ believe _ her.

With a last fighting attempt, Kakashi tried to convince her _ one last time _ .

_ Let’s go home… _ he was going to say.

“Sakura—” he began hesitantly, attempting to resist the magnetic pull within him to fulfill everyone one of her outlined desires, resisting the satisfaction he thought he felt from being  _ needed _ —because to feel needed was the  _ worst _ kind of temptation for a lonely man.

“No, Kakashi, I—” she interrupted, her eyes wide in bewilderment, pausing with an incredible breath, clamping her eyes shut.

“I love you!” she yelled as she squeezed him tighter, and the world around them faded.

Kakashi thought he’d imagined it. He thought his mind was tricking him, allowing him to hear everything he wished she’d say, but her hands were tugging at him hysterically, as if she was afraid that he couldn’t get any closer to her.

His body moved automatically, as if his limbs understood what she was trying to say much faster than his mind could comprehend it, and he had kissed her with such urgent desperation until Sakura held every bit of his breath captive in her hands.

Sakura began to guide their bodies as she swiveled them around to back Kakashi into the table, the same way he had done to her not too long ago. He propped himself up with his arms behind him, one had still on her waist.

When he broke away, he inhaled sharply and the first thing that came out of his mouth was her name. He didn’t know why, but his body seemed to know as his fingers moved on their own to hold her tightly.

“Sakura—”

“Shh…” she whispered, right before sliding her hands around and up his spine to grasp onto his hair.

She kissed him again, and for a moment his mind went blank. But he could feel one of her hands making its way into his coat, moving up to peel it off of his shoulders. 

Mindlessly, he let go of her body to help her remove his coat, allowing it to slide off of his arms and hit the table with a light thump.

Once it was off, her free hand was lifting his shirt to reveal his lower back and torso, her fingers never breaking contact with his skin as her hands trickled over his abs.

Her mouth seemed to be hungry for for him. Her soft kisses picked up in speed and strength as her hand slithered lower and lower…

The other hand moved from his neck down to his chest. She began to push, urging him to break free of their kiss.

His eyes fluttered open to see Sakura’s hungry green eyes consuming him. He saw fire reflected in her eyes, the same fire that  _ started _ this mess in the first place, the fire that changed everything between them.

But he also saw something  _ else _ in her eyes… something he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

She licked her lips slowly before running them under the teeth, and before he knew it, her hand was rubbing him through his pants, the other teasing the waistband as her fingers dipped in and out of it.

His breath caught in his throat. He titled his head back and knew that he’d returned a heated glance in her direction when she licked her lips again and parted them.

“What are you doing…?” he rasped, pretending not to know where this was headed, partially not believing it himself after what had just happened between them.

Sakura didn’t answer. Instead, she slid herself down his body, drawing herself lower and lower until she was on her knees on the floor, looking up at him with eyebrows curled upwards, seeking approval.

Both sets of fingers curled around the waistband of his pants as she began to pull downward, ensuring not to hook the band onto his quickly hardening member.

The moment it was freed, one of her hands wrapped around the base of him but she’d never broken eye contact.

That  _ something _ was still there in her eyes as her tongue darted out of her mouth to lick the tip.

“Kakashi…” she whispered, right before running the flat top of under tongue under the base of the head.

_ Oh, shit… _ he groaned inwardly.

There was no getting out of this now… he knew what was happening and he wanted this as much as  _ she _ did.

Of all times, the moment he’d tried to walk away and stop this madness between them seemed to be the very moment they would cross the final line.

They’d been denying themselves for too long… 

And with heated eyes, she muttered one heart-breaking phrase that sent all of his affection flooding straight back into his heart.

“Don’t go… Please.”

While he kept himself propped against the table with one hand, the other made its way to cup her cheek. 

He caressed it with his thumb before consoling her.

“I’m right here…”

And then she took his erection into her mouth.

All he felt was warmth, wetness, and a strong tongue as he threw his head back and closed his eyes. His breathing immediately went ragged the moment she began to suck the tip lightly and swirl her tongue in a circular motion. His hand had a mind of its own as it combed its way into her hair, grasping it lightly as he felt the motion of her bobbing head.

“Ahh….” he groaned, his eyes clenching as her tongue massaged him with ease.

She hummed quietly as she enveloped him, communicating to him that she was enjoying him just as much as he was enjoying her. She slowly, slowly began to lower her head, enveloping more and more of him, pushing and pulling him in and out of her mouth until she had encased him deep into her throat.

“Oh, fuck…!” he muttered as she her expert tongue caressed him in long circles.

Kakashi wondered for a moment  _ how _ on earth she’d learned to take in a man  _ like this _ and how ridiculously fortunate he was to be experiencing this now.

He couldn’t believe that Sakura, his former student, his mission partner, the woman who invaded his dreams then became his lover was so masterful at giving head and he’d never known until now.

Taken away by the fantasy of Sakura taking him into his mouth, he opened his eyes to peek down at the real thing.

Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were shining green and glazed, her wet lips reddened as it encased and took him deep into her mouth. And as soon as he looked, her eyes flickered up to meet his with desire, and she opened her mouth wide to run the flat top of her tongue up the shaft of his cock, letting her tongue linger on the tip before she enveloped him again with a strong hum.

“Mmmmmmm…”

And that’s when he  _ smelled it _ . 

He knew Sakura was enjoying this so much that she was  _ dripping _ in excitement for him. The thought that she loved this drove him absolutely mad. Any fantasy Sakura he possibly could have concocted could not have lived up to the real thing wrapped around his cock.

And with his pleasure building within her mouth, he felt his greed rise and restraint melt away. 

He was going to take her. All of her.

Kakashi hands tightened at the crown of her head as he listened to the sounds of wet suckling beneath him and felt the pressure of her tongue at the base of his cock, as he watched her move below him.

Without a thought, his hips mindlessly began to rock on their own into her mouth, matching the circular motion of her tongue, causing her to mewl softly as she met his thrusts with her throat.

He made sure to be gentle, but he felt himself growing ridiculously hard, and he felt the pleasure building up to the point of no return.

Beads of sweat began to form on the temples of his forehead, his body feverish. He threw his head back one more time, focusing only on the tongue, lips, and throat wrapping around his cock before he—

Sakura’s hands were suddenly pressed onto his ass as she pushed his hips against her mouth, pulling him deep into her throat.

“Unngghh.. Sak—ura!!”

He couldn’t take it. Kakashi was going to come if she continued doing this, and he didn’t want it to end here.

Kakashi jerked his hips back, slipping himself out of her mouth with a light pop as he panted to catch his breath.

This was it. He dismissed everything else that had been plaguing them up until this point.

Kakashi wanted her so, so, so badly, and if he was going to fuck her, he was going to make sure that he  _ burned _ the memory into her so that she’d never, ever forget it.

When Sakura’s tongue left soft, tentative licks on the tip, Kakashi let go of her hair to hold her jaw right where it was, to stop her from going any further.

* * *

Without his knowledge, Sakura had been looking up desperately at Kakashi to gauge his reaction. She needed to know she was doing it right, that he liked it, that he was going to stay with her.

She fervently took all of him in and out of her mouth, licking, caressing, and humming, watching him clench his eyes shut with a ragged breath. And when Kakashi clutched onto her hair, painlessly pulling onto her locks, she knew that he was lost to her tongue.

Just like she wanted. She couldn’t lose Kakashi too.

Her hands slithered up his thigh and up to his ass before she pulled him towards her, taking him all the way into her throat, causing him to gasp her name and jolt himself out of her mouth.

When he opened his eyes and looked down, all she could see was fire and she was trapped.

His eyes were reminiscent of the dangerous look he gave her on the counter, promising dark things to come in the night.

Kakashi’s hand loosed itself from her hair and moved to hold her cheeks in place, but the very thing she wanted was hovering right in front of her face and she wanted it back.

Sakura opened her mouth to give him teasing licks, watching his gaze darken as he watched her.

His thumb swept across her cheek and over her wet lips before dipping into her mouth. Sakura wrapped her lips around it, licking his thumb as if it were him.

“God, Sakura…” he muttered, watching closely. “You’re so…”

Another lick.

“beautiful…”

But  _ beautiful _ hadn’t ever been enough to make anyone stay. She had to give him more than beauty, she had to  _ show _ him her love,  _ show _ him how much she wanted him here.

Kakashi bent forward with her face still in his hands, gently guiding her body into a standing position as he kissed her powerfully.

As their lips glided in tempo, his thumbs hooked over the edges of her shirt to pull it up. Once it had reached her, he’d abandoned her lips, leaving her wanting more as he pulled the shirt over her head and disheveled her hair.

Kakashi threw the shirt on the ground and immediately latched his mouth onto her neck, eliciting a throaty moan from Sakura’s mouth. His lips and tongue were hot against her skin, and the suction of his mouth caused a jolt of pleasure to run down her spine.

“Ah!” she breathed as Kakashi’s fingers made their way to the front of her pants. He skillfully unlatched the hook and pulled them downwards, allowing them to drop straight to her ankles.

And then he was biting her, completely distracting her from the hands that were curling under her thighs, hoisting her onto his lap as he leaned back onto the table, bringing her head down with him so that she was straddling him.

The only thing she could feel was his bulging erection pressing against her panties, smearing the wetness beneath it and pressing itself into her folds.

She gasped as she looked at Kakashi with wide, hungry eyes, her arms reaching for his neck to hold herself in place.

Kakashi backed away from her neck and trailed kisses across her cheek until he held his face in front of her, his heated eyes warning her of all the things that were coming her way.

Sakura looked down at his smirking lips, and her chest welled up with excitement and danger. He kissed her once and allowed his hands to slink down her sides until they were rested firmly on her waist.

_ Her _ Kakashi was back, right in front of her, ready to give her everything she’d been hoping and waiting for… but all she wanted to do was to make sure  _ he  _ felt good, to make sure that he didn’t want to walk away.

And so her hips began to rock against him, pressing his cock between the folds, allowing him to hit her clit as her juices drenched the fabric of her underwear. Her breathing hitched every time the tip hit the right spot.

“Sakura…” Kakashi ground out, one arm circling tightly around her waist and the other ghosting down into the pant of her panties. “Is this what you want?”

As soon as his rough thumb sunk into her and landed on her clit, Sakura yelped in pleasure.

“Ahhhh,” she moaned, jerking her hips harder onto his cock.

Kakashi leaned forward on the table so that Sakura’s weight rested on the arm holding her in place. His palm laid flat upon her stomach, but his thumb worked magic circles between her lips.

Sakura’s legs hooked around his back for leverage and her hands hooked onto her elbows to keep herself up. She threw her head back in pleasure.

“N-no…” she ground out as she continued rocking her hips onto his hand, panting loudly as her head swung from side to to side, baring his neck for him.

“I want to please you…” she murmured almost incoherently, but she was unable to control the pleasure in her voice. “L-let me… touch you.”

Kakashi chuckled before he smashed his mouth onto hers, biting her bottom lip as his hands picked her up. She felt her hair twirl behind her as he pivoted so that Sakura was caged between his arms on the table.

“Don’t be so greedy, Sakura-chan…” he growled teasingly, nipping at her lips. “Let me return the favor.”

Kakashi’s hands pressed firmly down her sides until he was grasping her hips. He flipped her around so that she was facing away from him, her ass pressing against his erection.

“Remember this?” he asked as his finger slinked over to dig into the front of her panties. “Lean forward. Hold yourself up.”

Sakura did what she was told, waiting in dire anticipation for him to touch her.

No one had ever focused on her  _ this _ much… she was so used to giving.

And so when Kakashi’s finger sunk into her and began to swirl harsh circles on her clit, Sakura allowed every bit of her pleasure to escape her as a moan. She felt every one of his hot kissing on her neck igniting her spine with fire. She felt his fingers trickle up her side until they were slinking beneath her bra and kneading her breasts.

She was so wet for him, and she wanted more.

Just as she had before, Sakura used one hand to keep her propped up and freed the other to reach for Kakashi behind her.

“Ah-ah,” Kakashi admonished darkly, slipping his hand out of her bra to catch her wrist… 

“Please,” Sakura whined, giving in to his control. “I want to make you feel good too.”

“Mmm, Sakura,” he rasped against her ear, biting onto her lobe, his breath sending a shiver down her spine. “Don’t worry, you will because… 

She waited in anticipation, her body going rigid when he flicked a finger across her clit, making her yelp in response.

“I’m going to  _ fuck _ you tonight.”

She swore that he stole the breath right out of her lungs the moment he spoke those words. She swore that her legs had turned into jelly. She swore that any kind of resistance or control she thought she would have when this day came went straight out the window.

She was more than willing to let this man do anything he wanted to her tingling body.

Sakura was submitting to Kakashi’s hands tonight.

“Oh god, yes...” she moaned, trembling beneath him, throwing her head back into his shoulders as his fingers kindled the raging fire between her legs.

Sakura was soaked, and the movement of his fingers only contributed to the mess seeping down her inner thighs…

She felt Kakashi’s lips smirking against her neck as the other hand pulled down her panties behind her, scrunching them up just beneath the line of her ass. She felt a rush of cold air below as the wetness peeled away with her undergarments, until suddenly, Kakashi’s hand was free from her panties, and guiding his cock right between her legs.

Not once did the movement of his fingers falter.

Sakura gasped in anticipation, eagerly pushing herself against him she attempted to open her legs for him.

But Kakashi was one step ahead of her, using his knees to clamp her legs shut as he leaned her forward. Instead, Kakashi pushed his cock in between her legs, right underneath her entrance, teasing her with the very thing she was craving for.

“Is  _ this _ what you want from me Sakura?” he asked in a rich, sultry tone, teasing her as his deep voice sent waves through her body, collecting in her stomach.

“Yes…” she whimpered as her body shuddered over his fingers and his sliding cock.

She felt his warm erection, slick with her juices, catching onto her panties, sliding between them and pushing the front of it away. Sakura peeked down to see the outline of him protruding beneath the fabric, instantly causing her face to flush in a hot rush.

Sakura’s breath came out as a shallow gasp, her insides melting and face burning with desire. If Kakashi kept teasing her like this, if he kept touching her like this, she’d come before he’d ever made it inside of her.

“Kakashi…” Sakura whined wiggling against him as her mind was beginning to go blank. “Please…”

“Please, what?” Kakashi teased. “Are you going to come?”

Her hips began to buck against him as she desperately wished that he’d just…

“I want you…” 

“I’m right here.”

Kakashi fingers slowed on her clit as he dropped his head to suck on her neck, surely leaving red marks with the viciousness of his mouth.

“Ah… ahh… ahhngh!” Sakura moaned with each once of his thrusts between her legs, listening to the wet sounds of herself, getting closer and closer to the release, feeling her walls tighten around  _ nothing _ .

“Please,” she begged again. Her body was craving him, craving to be filled, and she couldn’t take it anymore.

Kakashi leaned his body back, leaving her back cool, angling himself just right so that when he pressed his hips against her, his cock played  _ right _ at her entrance. He prodded himself into her ever-so-slightly, just enough to barely part her lips and give her the sensation of being slightly stretched.

“Oh my god, Kakashi!” she cried as her hand slapped onto the table and her hips moved backwards to take him.

But Kakashi had anticipated this and she knew it, because both hands were suddenly planted firmly on her hips, restraining her from impaling herself onto him without his permission.

Her whimper had turned into a grunt of frustration. She had been so close to release, yet Kakashi refused to fill her and he’d removed his hands from her panties.

“Tell me what you want, Sakura,” he demanded, changing his favorite question into a command.

He teased her with the tip of his cock, pushing into her slowly but never allowing it to go any further than the head.

“I want you inside of me!” she cried, throwing her head back as she propped herself up.

“I  _ am _ inside of you, Sakura-chan,” he informed her, ensuring he was partially  _ in _ rather than  _ out _ when he’d said that.

Sakura was utterly frustrated. She needed him now and she knew exactly what he wanted to hear. And so Sakura slid her hands forward and across the table, her body laying right above the jacket he’d deposited atop it, fingers digging into it as she inhaled his scent.

“Fuck me, oh God, please, Kakashi…” she muttered, pushing back against him as he held her, trying just a  _ little _ bit harder to urge him deeper inside of her.

But to her surprise, instead of reciprocating, instead of teasing her further, Kakashi’s hand slid slowly up the spine of her back before it gripped onto her shoulder to hold her down. He stepped back, sliding his cock out from between her legs, and parted her legs with his knees.

She heard him humming from behind her. Sakura’s chest was heaving in arousal, waiting impatiently for fulfillment.

But then, as he held her down, Kakashi’s free hand caressed her ass before pulling her sopping underwear back into place. She was confused for a moment, until she felt his finger playing at the entrance, right at the edge of her panties.

Yet, as soon as she had the mind to look back at him, Kakashi’s finger had hooked her panties to the side, exposing her to him, and before she knew it, Kakashi slammed his cock straight into her, eliciting a throaty yelp of surprise and pleasure.

“Unnngggghhh!!!”

Kakashi was relentless. She heard the creaking of the floorboards behind him, the sounds of their bodies mixing, the groaning of the table beneath her, and his shallow panting as he plowed himself deep into her.

“Yess……” she hissed, her eyes almost rolling to the back of her head.

Sakura had never felt so much pleasure from a dick alone, she’d never maintained such a strong desire for someone that  _ didn’t  _ fade away during foreplay. 

Kakashi was filling her, stretching her, pounding her, and it was everything she had ever dreamed sex could be. She felt her cheeks flaring and an intense thrill each time their hips met.

“Fuck, Sakura…” he growled behind her, not letting up in speed and intensity. “You’re… so good! Ohh…”

The hand pressing down on her shoulder slid over the top. He gripped onto her for leverage, using her body as an anchor for a few sharp thrusts.

Sakura couldn’t contain her wild moans. She was going to come.

_ No one _ had ever made her feel like this, had ever  _ ravaged  _ her like this.

She never knew that she’d been missing out of feeling so much.

And then Kakashi’s grip tugged on her shoulder, pulling her body straight up until her back was flush against his sweaty chest. 

The new angle alone made her scream. His cock was hitting something  _ deep _ inside of her, a spot she’d never even knew existed. She felt the wave of pleasure rising within her, engulfing her entire abdomen with the feeling of a climax on the horizon.

“Oh… my god, Kakashi…! I’m going to come, unnghh!”

His fingers moved up from her shoulders and snaked lightly around her neck, cupping her chin with two fingers as he tilted her head back against his shoulder. His other hand flew up to dig under her bra and massage a breast roughly in his palm.

“No you don’t,” he warned, restricting his pace into a long, tantalizing rhythm.

Sakura whimpered against him as he kissed her, his tongue slithering into her mouth to meets hers, feeling the wave of pleasure receding just enough to stop her from coming.

Even when he fucked her like this, slowly pulling in and out of her, she could feel every inch of him stretching her and filling her completely.

It was driving her crazy.

As one hand remained on her neck, the other made its way back down into her underwear, dipping his finger back into her lips, swirling languidly against her clit.

“Ahhhh…..” she breathed as his finger lazily brought her back to the edge.

“Mmm…” Kakashi groaned as he pulled himself out of her. “I can feel you getting tighter around me, Sakura…”

He didn’t stop the torturous motion of his finger, and the heaving in her chest would not subside.

She was  _ so close _ but Kakashi seemed to love denying her.

“Please…” Sakura begged again, pressing her ass backwards in search of being filled.

“I’ve waited so long for you,” he rasped, biting her neck as he played at her entrance again. “You’re not going to come until I’m done with you… until you can’t take it anymore.”

_ Oh my god _ , Sakura cried inwardly. Kakashi was just so sexy, and she couldn’t fathom that mouth of his.

How could she have overlooked him for all these years? How could she not have known than her sensei, her Rokudaime, her close friend for so many years was actually a  _ fucking god _ ?

“Yes!” Sakura wailed, biting her lip for a moment before continuing. “I want more of you, Kakashi…”

“Come here,” he urged, pulling at his hand out of her panties and gripping her sides to turn her around. 

She was facing him now, and his mouth was instantly assaulting hers with sensual kisses. His hands were massaging her hips, allowing both of them to come down from the height of  _ almost _ orgasming.

Kakashi’s hands slid down her legs to grab onto her thighs. It only took one tug for Sakura to get the hint. She looped her arms around his neck and almost jumped onto him as she wrapped her legs around his back, her panties once again a barrier between what both of them wanted.

Kakashi pressed his forehead against hers and nipped at her jaw as he carried her over to the bed. Once they were there, he laid Sakura gently onto the mattress but remained standing to pull his shirt over his head.

Sakura peered up at him, marvelling in the sight of his completely naked body for the first time, taking in the sight of his muscular arms and neck, and the rippling abs that decorated his torso.

Her mouth watered at the sight.

“Kakashi,” she called out, holding her arms open to receive him.

He put a knee between her legs and propped himself over her, smiling as he lowered his head to kiss her gently.

“You’re so beautiful, Sakura,” he cooed in between kisses, the tone of their encounter changing entirely.

Kakashi’s free hand slid up her thigh and his fingers hooked on the sides of her panties, tugging down to free her from the drenched fabric at last. As he pulled, he backed away from her body, and Sakura raised each knee to allow him to pull the underwear off completely.

He tossed it behind him as he returned to his place above her and in between her open legs. Then he slid an arm behind her to lift her, expertly unhooked her bra with one hand and lay her back down.

She grinned as she looked up at him with a teasing smile, pulling her arms out of her bra as she spoke.

“Thank you for freeing me from my prison.”

“Mmm… is that what it was?” he asked, leaving butterfly kisses all around her mouth, trailing down her neck before reaching her chest.

“If I recall correctly, you seemed to enjoy what was happening, even  _ with  _ your panties, on Sakura-chan…”

As soon as he was done speaking, Kakashi’s tongue darted over her nipple before nipping it slightly with his teeth.

Her back arched in response. Sakura giggled beneath him, seeing the warmth once again in his eyes, feeling her chest inflate with love and happiness. 

“Yeah…” she moaned, her hands immediately pulling onto his smooth silvery hair, feeling his finger make its way between her favorite place between her legs.

“I did enjoy it,” she breathed heavily as his fingers swirled against her. “Do it again, Kakashi…”

Kakashi pulled away from her nipple with a pop, and he rested his cheek against her chest, looking up at her with a breathtaking smile.

“Do I have to ask you to specify again?”

“Mmm…” Sakura moaned, his fingers flicking her a little harder. “Fuck me again, Kakashi… make me come.”

His smile turned into a devilish grin, and without further command, he shifted his weight and raised his body so that he was leveled with her eyes.

“As you wish,” he teased, running the head of his cock over her wetness before slowly sinking his body into her.

Sakura’s eyes immediately rolled and her back arched in response to him.

“Ohhh…. Yesss….” she hissed, and her hands wrapped around his biceps, slowly drawing themselves up and over his shoulders as he buried himself within her.

This time, she could hear Kakashi’s heavy breathing right beside her ear. His silver hair was hanging just above her, tickling her forehead as each strand gently grazed her.

And even though  _ this _ round was slower, gentler, much more intimate, it didn’t take long for the pleasure to build up again within her, especially since he’d denied her release so many times.

Right now, Kakashi wasn’t just  _ fucking _ her, he was making sweet, tender love to her.

The intermittent kisses he gave her showed her that, the lack of bites, or teasing words, or hard thrusts proved it.

But she loved it all the same, and before she knew it, her breathing picked up and matched Kakashi’s pants, both of them consumed in the feeling of their bodies, her mind going blank as he pushed and pulled himself within her.

Sakura felt the wave returning, the intensity sweeping over her lower body and tears beginning to prick at the corner of her eyes.

Kakashi’s grunts began to get louder, his groans a little longer, letting Sakura know that  _ he  _ was losing the control he’d been maintaining for so long.

Her fingers began to dig and claw into his back as he dug into her core. She threw her head back as her body arched in his hands.

“Sakura,” she heard him call softly. “Look at me…”

Sakura obeyed his request, bringing her chin down to look him in the eye.

Although his brows were knit tightly and his features were taut, the love and affection in his eyes took her breath away. And then he softly smiled as he pushed himself into her body a little bit harder than he had been.

Sakura couldn’t take it. As they locked eyes, she returned his smile with an affectionate one of her own.

She loved him.  _ This _ was the Kakashi she loved, and he was back in her arms.

Kakashi locked his warm eyes onto hers as his fingers reached down to touch her again.

“Ohhh….” she breathed heavily, feeling too much. She was so close, her chest was so full, her body was so full of  _ him _ , that she couldn’t stop her eyes from shutting in pleasure, or the tears from rolling down her face in happiness.

Every thrust of his hips felt like a wave hitting the shore, threatening to overtake her. Her body was tingling everywhere, her breath caught in her throat.

But Kakashi’s thrusts became more sporadic, and she could tell that he was getting closer to the edge too.

“Sakura, focus on me…” he groaned quietly, continuing the movements of his hips and his hands.

Her breathing stopped with his request, and her body went rigid. She lifted her torso, her head right beneath his, so close that she could kiss him.

“I want you to come…” he rasped. “I feel it coming…”

Kakashi’s fingers moved rapidly as he slowed the pace of his thrusts, ensuring that she could feel every inch of him within her.

She too could feel the twitch and pulsing around him, and then she inhaled sharply, her release just moments away.

“Oh… god!” Sakura whined, her body stiff as her head dropped back. “I’m going to…!”

The first wave of her orgasm stole her breath and consumed her entire body as if she had been engulfed by the ocean.

Kakashi thrusted himself harshly within her, leaving himself in place, hardly moving as she rippled around him.

When each subsequent wave hit, she found herself muttering “I love you, I love you, I love you…” over and over again as her tears spilled over the edge of her cheeks.

Her body was crumbling, she felt herself unraveling and falling into a million different pieces.

But Kakashi’s mouth caught hers, stopping her words, and before her orgasm was over, Kakashi’s thrusts grew stronger, messier, reaching deep inside of her as he sensually moved within her without any restraint. The remainder of her climax was spent as a muffled sob in his mouth.

“Sakura…” he called, gritting his teeth as he attempted to restrain his breathing.

“I’m going to…”

“Unngghhh,” she panted, meeting his hips still as she began to come down from her orgasm. “Come, Kakashi… please.”

And with a few harsh jerks and sharp grunts, she felt warmth filling her, and his member twitching as he groaned loudly beside her ear.

“Oh my god….” he muttered, panting beside her ear.

Kakashi collapsed over her, leaving himself within her. Their sweaty bodies remained entangled as each of them heaved in an attempt to catch their breaths.

As they lay motionless upon each other, Sakura couldn’t help but contemplate on the day.

Sakura was a mess. This  _ day _ had been a mess. This  _ argument _ had been a mess.

She was absolutely in pieces, but she was happier than she’d been in a long time…

Sakura didn’t regret it at all, and while she knew there would be repercussions, while she knew she was broken mess of a woman, she  _ knew _ that Kakashi loved her and that she loved him.

She she ran her fingers through the hair of the man above her, caressing the his neck with her thumb. Kakashi lifted his head to look at her with a weak smile, and then he lowered his head to give her a gentle, loving kiss.

She was broken,  _ true _ , but Sakura knew that every piece of herself belonged to him as long as he would have her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last... they smashed!!!! And it was the longest chapter I've written to date! I even had to pause during the fight scene because as I was writing it, it felt too intense for me. The last time I felt this kind of intensity was when I was writing the bathroom scene. I'm honestly a bit exhausted from it, but I was impatient to get it out after all this time.
> 
> When I first wrote the premise of this story, I did not expect my story to get to Ch. 34 before our favorite pair went all the way. But the smut wasn't just smut, there were definitely other elements involved, especially in regards to Sakura's relational trauma and fear of being left behind. I originally planned for the sex scene to be much more painful for the reader rather than satisfying, but I think I was able to achieve my goal without destroying your hearts.
> 
> Honestly, this chapter makes me nervous. I feel so much pressure because I wanted their first time to be good while still being able to make it clear that Sakura is revealing a deep-rooted problem in herself. I didn't care nearly as much about the Sasuke sex scenes, but I felt like this one had to be good.
> 
> I hope I was able to deliver... and I hope all of you enjoyed it!


	35. The Fine Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You guys are so amazing. Thank you for all of the reviews and positive responses to the last chapter. It received the most so far and it was fun getting those emails. Thank you for not hating my guts after making you wait so long for that connection. I hope it was worth it. I really wanted the first time to be impactful, not just smut for smut sake.
> 
> I am happy I was able to turn some of you into believers of slow burns and delayed gratification.
> 
> As for the reoccurring question: Is Sakura using him? We don't know because he doesn't know, and honestly, neither does she. You'll just have to wait and see how the relationship unfolds!~
> 
> ALSO, big thanks and love to Nxyako and TipsyRaconteur who have basically appointed themselves as betas for this early access. But it's so helpful so you're both the best! <3

Sakura’s chest heaved despite her state of physical and emotional exhaustion.

Kakashi’s body was slack against her own, his arms resting beside her head, and his mouth buried shallowly into the hair wedged between him and her neck. He was panting too—she could feel the rhythmic pressure of his chest upon her paired with the soft ebbing of his labored breath.

Sakura’s fingers had remained sheathed into his hair, her thumb softly caressing his neck as the comfortable silence allowed the weight of their actions sink in.

_ Haa… haa…. haa…. _

She listened carefully, but all she could feel was heaviness on her chest, their skin gliding with sweat, the sporadic twitch of their bodies as the mess seeped from between them.

The  _ last _ time was with her husband… the only other man she’d had until now. As their joint fluids trickled onto the bed, Sakura felt that her sinful violation against her marriage was complete. 

_ Haa…… haa…… _

Sakura’s eyes were already lined with the dew of her tears, dampened by the sheer intensity of her orgasm. But as she came down from her euphoria, she felt the strength of her tears renewing, uninvited, trailing down the sides of her face in rebellion. She clenched her eyes as if to hide them, but her tears acted without her consent.

“Sakura…?”

Kakashi’s calm voice was a welcome distraction, a reminder that—despite her awareness of his bodily weight—that she wasn’t alone in this moment, in their actions. 

_ So this is still about Sasuke? I’m a person, Sakura! I have feelings too! _

He peeled himself off of her, raising his body onto his arms so that he could wipe away a tear with his thumb. When the pad of his calloused finger swiped across her skin, Sakura opened her eyes, forced a timid smile and offered him a soft chuckle.

The look of concern did not leave him, his lips pursed as his brows crinkled. She heard him swallow and watched the lump in his throat rise and fall.

In response, Sakura’s hand moved to cup his smooth cheek and her smile grew to bare her teeth.

“I’m sorry,” he frowned as his clouded eyes frantically followed the trail of each of her tears.

The words burdened her heart as she took in the sight of his turmoil returning.

“Why are you apologizing?” she whispered, attempting to soothe the storm she saw in his eyes as he continued to wipe her tears. Despite her own turbulent emotions, she wanted to make sure that anything she did or said wouldn’t hurt Kakashi even more than she already had.

Kakashi lifted himself further and rolled himself out of her arms and onto his back. As he moved, his softened member slid out of her, allowing more of their mess to run free. She heard the springs of the bed creak as the weight shifted beside her and saw his arm move behind his head from her peripheral vision. He stared blankly in the direction of the ceiling, and it was clear to Sakura that he was experiencing just as much emotions as she was about this moment.

“You’re crying… we shouldn’t have—”

“No,” Sakura assuaged him, smiling as she turned her naked body to the side, reached for his arm, and pulled it under her neck. She draped her free arm over his chest and allowed her fingers grazed the skin beneath his collarbone, tracing the lines of his body as she nuzzled her head on his shoulder.

“I don’t regret it at all, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Kakashi’s exhale seemed almost like a wheeze as his head tipped in the opposite direction. 

“Then why are you crying…?” he asked quietly, avoiding her gaze as he stared at the wall, seeming unsure sure if he could trust her.

Sakura wondered if he could see right through her words and actions, but the truth was that she  _ wasn’t _ lying to him. Yet, even if she understood that she felt no regret, she did feel something and it was that something that she couldn’t quite figure out how to explain. 

In that moment of silence, however, Kakashi seemed somewhat alerted, and he shifted his head to meet her eyes with apprehension.

Sakura scanned his face, thinking of all the things she had done that had led to this moment, that had led to Kakashi’s inability to trust her heart. As he laid beside her with guarded eyes, she saw again the pain of a man who thought his love was unrequited.

The center of her eyebrows creased upwards and her hand moved from his collarbone to his cheek.

Although Sakura  _ thought _ she’d been honest with Kakashi, she  _ thought _ she’d been telling him and showing him her true feelings, she recognized in this moment that she’d only been sharing  _ half _ of it. Out of fear for his feelings and her own, she’d hidden the other half from him—whichever half had to do or held concern for Sarada or Sasuke, but if she wanted him to believe her, perhaps complete honesty was the way to earn it.

Yet, up until this point, she hadn’t allowed herself to be completely honest with herself…

“Kakashi,” Sakura murmured softly, eyes wandering to watch her fingers stroke his cheek. “I guess I haven’t always been entirely open with you about my feelings, have I?”

He didn’t answer. He simply returned her gaze with reserved affection and slow blinks.

“If you’ll let me, I’m going to share my honest feelings with you…” she said before pausing, waiting to see if Kakashi would stir. He didn’t.

She smiled softly before continuing. 

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel anything bad in this moment…”

As she spoke those words, she immediately saw a flash of hurt in his eyes.

“I just cheated on my husband, on my family… just like you said.”

Kakashi sighed sharply and moved to turn away so that Sakura’s hand slipped away from his cheek.

“Wait,” she called with a surprising calm, causing Kakashi’s movements to cease, but he had a blank stare on his face. “Please listen to all of it… and then you can make your decision to walk away from me if you really think that it will be best…”

Kakashi leaned back once again, letting the fight leave his shoulders and allowing Sakura to touch him further. Sakura’s palm slid down to rest once more on his chest, right beneath his collarbone.

“I’m crying because naturally I would feel something after doing something as large as this,” she explained quietly, pulling herself back against him as her bare breasts pressed against his side. “But I’m also crying because… what just happened was  _ amazing _ and I’ve never felt that before…”

Sakura left two short kisses on the skin closest to her lips, right onto his shoulder, and then nuzzled herself further into him.

“I didn’t know what I’d been missing all this time… and you gave all of these experiences to me, just like you promised you would that night by the fire… You’ve made me so happy.”

Although he did not look at her, Sakura felt his arm flex beneath her head as it moved to grasp her body tighter, gripping onto her waist.

“I meant what I said Kakashi… that I don’t regret what happened, that this was amazing… that I love you.” 

Yet, even with that admission, Kakashi did not stir. His eyebrows seemed to tighten with his grip, and he continued staring up towards the ceiling.

The silence seemed to do all the talking for him—it asked all of the heavy questions that followed such an important statement.

_ If you love me, then what are you going to do about it? _

Sakura didn’t seem to have the answer to her imagined question, but she felt the distance between them, she felt the coldness in their interaction, the clamminess of the remnant sweat upon their skin. 

It felt wrong to abandon her position beside him, but with his distance, with the coolness of their mood and of their skin, Sakura felt that there was only one thing that could possibly remedy this moment. And so, she peeled herself away from his body, finally causing some sort of attention from him, and sat up in bed. 

Kakashi turned, curious about her actions and sudden distance, and Sakura sat on the bed for a moment, smiling softly before she pacified his curiosity. Sakura reached for the shirt that Kakashi had deposited on the mattress and pulled it over her head.

“I’ll be back…” she said softly, and as she climbed off of the bed, the shirt fell to pool gently around her hips before slipping past them, wearing it as if it were a dress.

Her feet hit the cold wooden floor with a thump. As Sakura bounced in the direction of the closet door beside the bathroom, she could feel the cool air filtering through her dampened thighs. Sakura reached into the dark closet and stood on her toes, allowing her to reach deep behind the blankets and towels they had accumulated over the past few months until her fingered grabbed onto a large bag.

Sakura had no patience; she could feel Kakashi’s inquisitive eyes following her every movement, and she wanted to return to him as soon as possible. Instead of removing the towels and blankets that guarded her intended item, she simply pulled it out, dropping all of sheets that had been in the way.

“I’ll clean it later,” she muttered as she pulled the large bag towards her chest.

The paper bag was so large that she had to hold it with both of her arms. It crinkled under the pressure of being held, but the sound of it made it seem like a great present, causing a small sense of excitement to rise within her. 

She turned from the messy closet to approach Kakashi on the bed, who had reached down to dress himself in the boxers he’d shed earlier.

“Here,” Sakura said lightly as she dropped the package onto the bed.

Kakashi brought himself up to a sitting position, leaning forward and away from the headboard as he reached for Sakura’s sack.

“What is it?” he asked, his tone still somewhat reserved but certainly melting with each second.

Sakura looked at him brightly, hardly able to conceal the sweet smile that creeped across her lips as she watched him squish the bag.

“Open it,” she instructed, climbing onto the bed to rest with her knees tucked under her.

In one quick motion, Kakashi’s fingers dug into the paper bag, effectively ripping it so that he could pull it off in one swift tug of the paper.

He held the contents up to examine it.

Sakura smiled with giddiness as his eyebrows raised interest.

“It’s a knitted blanket,” he said in what seemed to be feigned surprise.

“It’s not the best present,” she said, reaching to touch the fuzzy grey blanket in his hands. “But I bought it in the market shortly after you bought me my necklace.”

Sakura couldn’t help but smile as his hands ran through the material.

“It’s the king-sized blanket you wanted since we arrived here...”

Finally, Kakashi’s surprise seemed to be genuine as his head switched straight up to look at her and a slow smile graced his handsome face.

She had missed that smile.

But he quickly looked away and back at the blanket. He unfolded it as if he was an excited child in a man’s body, fluffing it straight before pulling it over his lap.

She watched him with affection, her heart warming to see that he was at least slightly pleased with what she’d given him. It was no necklace, but it was something she’d picked out with meaning.

Once Kakashi was comfortable underneath the fuzzy wool, he tilted his head and smiled at her sweetly.

“Come here,” he invited, raising an arm to coax her towards him.

She happily obliged as she found her favorite spot in his arms and bent her knees towards his upper body.

“Thank you,” he whispered as he pulled her close, kissing her forehead as his free arm moved to drape the fabric over her legs.

As the warmth of the blanket amplified the heat on their sticky skin, a comfortable silence descended upon them once again. This silence, however, did not have the same heaviness as the last; instead, they cuddled in seeming comfort—at least, Sakura acknowledged that was how  _ she _ felt about it.

This is what she wanted. She wanted for things to continue just like this, in a peaceful state of bliss, free from whatever judgemental restraints that bound them in Konoha. But as she burrowed into the arms of her lover, she knew that running from the truth would bring more heartache than what was already promised.

It was time for her to be honest with herself so that she could be honest with Kakashi.

_ Then _ she could think about what she would do about her family.

Sakura felt her fingertips strumming along Kakashi’s biceps as she thought about this—the vision of her daughter’s face was not causing her the same kind of anxiety that it had prior. At this moment, she was sure that Sasuke was not what she wanted anymore, and that Sarada could adjust if she had to… She’d been doing so all her life anyway, right?

But Sakura also understood that her feelings about it could change at any moment, just as it had been through the entirety of this mission. She didn’t dare to reveal her desires to Kakashi until she was absolutely certain that she  _ could _ leave Sasuke, but it was promising that she felt nothing about it as she mulled over her divorce in her mind.

As she thought, however, one question was stuck in her mind. Sakura clutched onto Kakashi’s arm and shifted her cheek against his skin to look at him, only to see him staring absently at the ceiling while he pondered deeply over the circumstances.

_ Where is the fine line between being honest and considerate? _ she wondered, thinking again about her inward promise to be more truthful with him.

Was it wrong to withhold information, withhold the prospect of divorce if she wasn’t absolutely sure that it would happen? That it would lead to a relationship with Kakashi?

Was it wrong to want to prevent any further disappointment…?

Kakashi suddenly moved to return her stare, likely because she had been looking for too long without saying anything.

When their eyes met, Sakura felt the warmth return, even if he didn’t smile. His attentive glance was enough, paired with the strong arms that held her.

Sakura couldn’t help but smile at him. As she took in his features, the chiseled jaw, the beauty mark on his chin, his thin lips, angular nose, set just beneath a pair of deep, dark eyes, she wondered just  _ how _ no woman had been able to love a man so astonishingly handsome.

Perhaps it was because he’d hidden his face for all these years… but even with the mask, it wasn’t hard to be charmed by Kakashi’s outward appearance. Even as a teenager, Sakura had recognized that she’d fallen under the tutelage of a handsome man.

“Kakashi,” she asked sweetly, lifting a hand off of his arm to rub his chest. She made no attempt to hide her roaming attention.

“Mmm?” 

His eyebrow raised in curiosity despite his naturally sleepy eyes.

“Can I ask you something and… could you answer it honestly?”

Kakashi tilted his head as he looked at her and his messy bangs swept over his eyes. Sakura reached up to brush them aside as he silently considered her question.

“Only if I get to ask a question and get the same honesty from you.”

Sakura giggled and turned her head to rest it back onto his shoulder.

“That’s fair,” she agreed, placing her hand on his thigh. She paused for a moment before speaking, thinking about the effect of her desired question.

“So, what do you want to ask me?” he probed, curious by her silence after being given approval.

“Well,” she hesitated, wondering if this might be a step too far. “... I wanted to know… why you’ve stayed single all of these years.”

Kakashi seemed to be surprised by this question. His head tipped back, and as if by instinct, he seemed to create just a little bit of distance between them. His chest was no longer touching hers as he leaned in the direction of the headboard.

“I…” he began, his words trailing off as he thought about his response.

Sakura turned her neck to observe him. Kakashi’s eyes creased and his mouth pursed to the side as he tried to formulate  _ something _ .

“I mean it’s not like I’ve been celibate…” he mused as his hand reached up to rub his chin.

“That’s for sure…” Sakura muttered. A slight tinge of jealousy seeped into her words. She unconsciously diverted her eyes as a wave of possessiveness took over.

There was no way he could have been inactive given the ways he seemed to just  _ know _ how a woman’s body worked…

“Oh?” Kakashi chuckled, pulling her body back into his embrace. “Is that jealousy I hear?”

“…No!” she huffed.

“I thought you knew,” Kakashi said playfully as he left butterfly kisses on her cheek.

Sakura loved his warmth, loved the return of Kakashi’s teasing demeanor, but despite that, she found herself wiggling away from him as if to egg on this moment.

Kakashi seemed to enjoy it as his low chuckle rumbled in her ear as he held her firmly against him.

“Why would I ask if I knew the answer?”

“Hmm…” he hummed, rubbing his thumb across her stomach as he held her. “I seem to remember a pink-haired woman disrupting one of my naps in a tree. I think she invited me to dinner and then made fun of my ‘solitude.’”

“Wha-?”

“‘ _ Solitude my ass, _ ’ I recall you saying.” Kakashi tilted his head away and continued humming as if he were deep in thought. Then he continued in a tone that seemed to emulate the way Sakura spoke. “‘ _ All the girls fall at your feet when you walk by. There's no way you haven't been with a few of them, given the type of books you like to read in public. _ ’ I think you said something like that, Sakura-chan.”

“Oh,” Sakura responded, blushing furiously for being caught with something so silly. “ _ That _ . So I was right then, that  _ all _ the girls were falling for you?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” he laughed as his mouth returned to the space beside her ear. “I mean… I didn’t get you until now.”

Those teasing words preceded Kakashi’s nose digging into her neck, his warm breath causing a shivers down her spine and reigniting her desire for him. His fingers clutched onto her sides as his arms held her in a tight embrace.

But she wouldn’t be distracted by him. She wanted this to be a serious conversation, and he was finding a sly way out of answering her question.

“Kakashi!” she admonished playfully, appearing to concede to his hold and huffed as she leaned into him. “That didn’t answer my question, you know!”

“Well, I don’t really know how to answer it,” he said lightly, indicating to Sakura that he was being honest.

“Then I get another question.”

“That’s fair,” he parroted. As he agreed, he loosened his grip around her, allowing his arms to fall to his sides over the blanket. 

Sakura took the invitation to separate herself from him, backing away to sit on her knees and face Kakashi. With a stern face and tightened lip, she wrinkled her brow and peered directly into his eyes.

“In all seriousness,” Sakura asked began, leaning forward on her arms. “Why do you wear your mask?”

Kakashi sighed as his head swayed to the side. Then there was a pause.

“… I still get to ask a question too, right?”

Sakura nodded and stared intently, eagerly awaiting his response.

She watched him shift uncomfortably in front of her. His eyebrows never seemed to relax and he began to suck on the right side of his bottom lip rather than purse them together. He sighed once more before shifting his weight to one side, then he raised his arm to rub the hair behind his neck.

Sakura had observed this behavior quite a few times; she knew that he would reach for his hair in a moment of even slight discomfort.

“Well…” he began, avoiding eye contact as he readied himself for an explanation. “The short answer is that it lets me hide my emotions. The long answer…?”

Kakashi slumped his shoulders forward and leaned back against the headboard, still rubbing his head.

“It’s a layer of protection.”

Once those words came out, Sakura instantly detected a hint of sadness in his voice. There was a vulnerability of a different kind—it was a vulnerability unlike the one he’d shown her when he’d woken her up, a vulnerability that she  _ knew _ from his hesitant voice that he kept hidden behind his mask. 

Maybe this was a bad question, maybe it was going to cause him pain, but she couldn’t bring herself to interrupt him.

“Have you heard the story about my father?” Kakashi asked quietly. His eyes were avoidant but set low, not only to stop himself from looking at her, but as if to hide almost entirely.

“The White Fang,” Sakura whispered, maintaining the hushed nature of his revelation. Naturally, her body tilted toward him as she spoke. “I’d heard of him, and I knew he died, but I never knew what happened…”

“My father wanted me to be strong,” he said with a reminiscent smile. It was a look of pain, a look of a boy, even, that admired a father long gone. 

“It was just the two of us after my mother died. I was just a young boy, and given my father’s reputation and profession, it was hard for him to understand how to be a parent. So he raised me as a shinobi—he fostered my skills, trained me when he could, showed me pride and affection when I performed well. There was no incentive for me to be a sweet kid, but as a boy, I would naturally cry when my father would leave for missions, and he’d say, ‘Be brave, Ka-kun, be strong!’ With my mother’s death, my father’s constant absence, there was no one to baby me, no one to nurture me. Survival in war had always been the goal and he’d essentially taught me that emotions were a weakness. And so the mask helped me hide my loneliness. It helped me pretend while I was around others that I was okay without him, that I was strong and brave.”

And then Kakashi paused his retelling. Sakura’s arm flew to her chest where she grabbed a bundle of his shirt in her palms. It was an unconsciously feeble attempt to hold the weight she felt in imagining a small boy without his parents.

“…and then he killed himself after a failed mission. He’d abandoned it to save his comrades and disgraced himself… but he left his body in the middle of his home for his young son to find.”

Sakura inhaled sharply from the tragedy of Kakashi’s story. She had always known that Kakashi had a hard life, but she’d never known the severity of it. But as much as her body was drawn to holding him as if to provide comfort, she knew there was no comfort she could bring. This was a reality that Kakashi had lived and nothing could change it.

As such, her body was frozen in place as tears began to materialize at the corner of each eye.

Kakashi continued softly. Other than his jaw, he didn’t seem to move a muscle as he reminisced.

“It was as though my father was telling me for the last time, ‘Be strong, Ka-kun… don’t end up like me.’ It was final lesson—a lesson that reinforced the idea that emotions were a deadly weakness. So I closed myself off from the world… I told myself I would never make the same mistake my father did and succumb to my emotions…”

He paused again and this time, Sakura took the opportunity to crawl back into Kakashi’s arms. He never looked at her, but as her body approached, he lifted is left arm to grant her access. She quickly nuzzled against him, intent on listening as her right arm slid behind his back and her left rested on his abdomen.

“But then I met Obito and Rin. My teammates who did everything they could to get under my skin and chip away at whatever ego I had built up. And then I lost him because of my stubbornness… so I held desperately onto Rin and Minato-sensei… and then I lost them too.”

Finally, Kakashi turned his head to meet Sakura’s eyes. Although he had no tears, she could see nothing but the pain of a lonely life, the pain of fear and loss in his creased brow and frowning lips.

“I was gone after that, Sakura,” he spoke softly, even softer than before with saddened eyes and a tilt of his head. “I lost everything, everyone I’d ever cared about. I didn’t have to hide my loneliness behind the mask anymore because I  _ became _ my mask. I became a role, a malleable identity, a cold-blooded killer for ANBU. There was nothing left for me, and it was all the better because it made me a better soldier…”

“Kakashi,” Sakura cried softly, unable to muffle the delicate sob escaping her chest as he revealed his story. “I’m sorry I asked… I… didn’t know.”

“Sakura,” he called affectionately, rubbing her shoulder to soothe her. “It’s okay. I’ve long accepted my past and I’d forgiven my father for what happened… I just never lost the habit of wearing the mask, that’s all.”

And then he reached up to wipe a tear with his thumb. Kakashi smiled at her warmly, likely touched by her concern for him and cupped her cheek.

“Besides… this was your exercise on honesty, right? I want you to  _ know _ me, Sakura.”

He kissed her forehead as Sakura nodded her head. She sniffled once, accepting his explanation and then propelled them forward.

“Okay,” she yielded, leaning her head into his palm. “It’s your turn to ask me a question. Ask me anything. It’s only fair.”

Kakashi smiled and caressed her cheek once before removing his hand to settle on her lap. Her hand instantly moved to lace her fingers between his, and his thumb repeatedly swiped across the skin of her hand as he held it.

“If…” he hesitated for a moment yet persevered through his question with a forced smile. “If you were so unhappy with Sasuke after all this time, why did you stay with him?”

This time, it was Sakura who felt the need to pause and think about her answer. Surprisingly, however, she did not feel pain in thinking about her circumstances with her husband, only a sense of mourning for her daughter’s childhood. The sadness she felt in remembering it seemed to be amplified by Kakashi’s melancholy of losing both parents.

But… even so, although her circumstances with Sasuke existed today, they were not the reasons she found herself in this situation. 

“You knew who I was, Kakashi…” she began. “I was the love-struck girl who would do  _ anything _ to get Sasuke-kun to come home,  _ anything _ for him to fall in love with me…”

For a moment, she worried that Kakashi would be hurt by her honesty,  but quickly recognized that this was not  _ news _ to him, or anyone for that matter.

“When we traveled together and Sasuke began to show signs of returning my affection, I latched on to him. Anything he did was a little taste, like it was a promise of something more. Each time, no matter how small his affection was, I was sated as if I were enjoying a seasonal treat.”

As she recounted her relationship with Sasuke, she felt Kakashi’s hand tighten around hers. Sakura looked down to watch their hands. This time, it was  _ she _ who had been avoiding Kakashi’s gaze, even if she could feel it upon her.

“I was so young and I thought I was so in love… and it’s just like a young girl to dream of happily ever after. It was so easy for a girl like me to be taken away by idealism just because I had been given a  _ taste _ …”

Sakura leaned into Kakashi’s shoulder and pressed her forehead against his neck. Kakashi leaned his cheek over the top of her head as he listened.

“And just like a young girl, it was so easy to ignore all of the signs of potential unhappiness. I  _ wanted _ to believe that my happily ever after was coming—I  _ convinced _ myself that it was, that everything was going to work out and it was going to be okay.”

Suddenly, Sakura let out a short chuckle, and her hand raised to cover her mouth without her control.

“But life didn’t work out that way… and even though I had so many people—even shishou and Shizune-san— _ warn me _ that Sasuke would likely bring me unhappiness, I didn’t listen. I couldn’t hear them… I was so blinded because I had the Sasuke-kun that I had wanted all along… I wanted him to be mine.”

She sighed heavily, tightening the hold she had on Kakashi’s warm fingers.

“That’s just how childhood is… I just… held on to my illusions because I was too afraid of letting them go, especially when it felt like I was so close… but my adulthood had its way with me, and before I knew it, I was stretching out my arms for my own youthful idealism, clawing for any scraps I had left of it with the hope that I could make it  _ work _ somehow… that I could  _ salvage  _ where I ended up.”

She paused for a moment, her chest feeling simultaneously constricted and free at the same time.

“I was in denial, Kakashi, and maybe I still am to an extent… because from that illusion came the most  _ beautiful _ thing I could have ever dreamed of—a child… Sarada. And when I became a mother, I had a new illusion. I had become so wildly protective, so in love with my baby that I was  _ so, so afraid _ of shattering  _ her _ youthful idealism—her dream that her father would come home and that we’d be a family—that I ignored my own happiness.”

When she finished, Kakashi let go of her hands and swung his arm around hers to pull her tightly against him. She could feel him gritting his teeth against the temple of her head, likely affected by the helplessness of the situation and a grave understanding of her reasoning.

She knew he would understand. It was her truth… and she’d never spoken it before until this very day. 

Sakura’s arms slid up his back as he held her and her fingers latched over the top of his shoulders. For a moment, the held each other silently, both of them processing the depth of their confessions, the very different yet understandable crises that each had experienced that led them to the people they were in this moment.

* * *

Sakura’s confession tore at every piece of Kakashi’s heart.

Sure, he was sad due to his recollection of his past, but none of that was news to him, and he’d long reconciled his ghosts and demons… 

_ This _ , however—the visceral strength of a mother, a love she held for her child was both an incomparable beauty and a tragedy combined.

Kakashi grit his teeth against her, holding her tightly as he desperately wished that there was an easier answer to her plight, that there was something he could do.

Even if she chose to be with him, Kakashi  _ knew _ that the decision would not come easy, that even if she’d chosen between Sasuke or Kakashi, multiple people would be hurt.

But after all this time, Sakura had been putting herself aside, just as she’d done when she was a teenager, for the sake of others, for her daughter.

Regardless of her self-neglect, there was something admirable about her resolve to protect Sarada. He couldn’t argue against it.

As he held her, Kakashi felt Sakura’s hands glide over his bare back to clutch over the apex of his shoulders. She nuzzled into his neck, leaving light kisses until she was ready to ask her next question.

“Kakashi?” she called from beneath him.

“Hmm?”

“Your story. The reasons behind your mask… Is  _ that _ why you stayed single?”

Kakashi brushed his cheek over the temple of her head and then pressed his head against hers. He thought for a moment.

“Yes,” he admitted tenderly. “Even though I was able to move on, the one thing that never left me was the gripping fear that getting too close to someone was more dangerous than bloodshed… more dangerous than dying. Maybe staying unattached was my last defense…”

He paused, wondering if he should admit what he wanted to say… but they were supposed to be honest tonight.

“Getting too close has always led to more loneliness.”

He felt Sakura shuffle in his arms, shrinking inward with the last of his words. As she burrowed into herself, he considered that her reaction was possibly because she was thinking about whether or not  _ she _ would do that to him.

It seemed that his defense was still true to this day, even though he had stopped wearing his mask for this mission.

Yet just as she redirected the conversation to his story, he felt it necessary to do the same. Even if he understood her reasonings behind her commitment to Sasuke—or Sarada, rather—there was one thought that he felt the need to express.

“Sakura,” he began, moving his fingers to caress her shoulder. “You deserve better.”

“Perhaps I do…” she whispered, her body unmoving in his arms aside from her steady breathing. “But I put myself in this place…”

“Didn’t we both?”

“But we can take ourselves out of it.”

As Kakashi thought about the obscurity of his own question and Sakura’s answer, he couldn’t help but think about how  _ he _ could be better for her. He couldn’t quite decipher what she was referring to when she said “it.”

Did she mean her marriage?

Did she mean this affair?

Yet, regardless of the answer, regardless of how he felt, he still could not remove the tight tug in his chest for Sasuke. Sasuke had changed Sakura. Life had forced her to grow, but it had forced  _ Sasuke _ to change too.

But as always, Kakashi understood  _ why _ Sasuke was the way he was. It could have been him had he not had the direction of loved ones. Yet despite his guilt and affection for his former student, Kakashi finally accepted that he could not figure out  _ how _ to reconcile his love for Sakura and his guilt for Sasuke.

The only answer was to walk away from Sakura, but even then, he couldn’t take back the betrayal, and he knew he didn’t  _ want _ to walk away either.

And even though he empathized with Sasuke, he truthfully sympathized with Sakura.

Each of their journeys were different, but their plights were the same.

All three of them were suffering from love in one way or another, regardless of if their affliction was too much or too little of it.

“Listen,” Sakura interrupted. “I want to stay. Not just because of us… but because I don’t want anyone else to be a victim of this place.”

Kakashi was silent. He couldn’t stop his mind from running back to place he was in  _ before _ he walked into the apartment door, the one that told him to run before it was too late.

“And I don’t know what I want to do about  _ us _ when we go home… so will you let me think about it? I need to think about how I could approach Sarada… and Sasuke can’t  _ know _ until I’m ready to break it to him…” 

Kakashi bit his lip in response. He didn’t want to reveal that he suspected that Sasuke was already aware.

“So you  _ are _ going to tell him…?” Kakashi asked with genuine interest in the idea of revealing their affair.

“Eventually… yeah,” she admitted, looking up at him with a weak smile. “My marriage is in shambles and I’m in love with another man…”

Despite the ugliness of the circumstance, he couldn’t resist the tug of his lips when Sakura admitted her feelings again. There was something born from the promise of Sakura’s words, something like the seed of hope sprouting within him that promised she’d choose him after all.

It was hope, and even though it terrified him, that was all he could cling to in this madness.

He wanted to believe her. What he wanted was  _ so close _ he could literally taste it if he just reached down to kiss her lips… and when he did so, it was just  _ so easy _ to ignore the signs of potential unhappiness. There was just no way he could let go…

But Sakura backed away from his lips first.

“Can we stay…?” she asked quietly. She pressed her forehead against him, her lips ghosting over his with every word.

“I’ll tell Sai in the morning…”

Sakura smiled and kissed him once more as she maneuvered herself to hover above him. Her warm hands slid around his neck to cradle his head as her lips pressed down.

Before he knew it, Sakura’s legs swung over his lap and she was straddling him, not once breaking their sensual kiss.

Yet as he returned each swipe of her lips, he couldn’t help but wonder if the  _ it _ in question—the ambiguous subject—was that she’d leave Sasuke or him, or that she’d attempt to  _ fix _ her marriage.

_ Which was it _ , he wondered, replaying their conversation in his mind as Sakura took the lead.

* * *

_ You deserve better… _

_ Maybe I do, but I put myself in this place… _

_ Didn’t we both? _

_ But we can take ourselves out of it… _

* * *

  
  



	36. Metamorphosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUS, SERIOUS PROPS TO NYXAKO AND TIPSYRACONTEUR!
> 
> This chapter almost made me GIVE UP. I was stuck on the events of this chapter for SO LONG, and after listening to me whine and struggle, their springboard support helped me make sense and sift through the possibilities floating incoherently in my head.
> 
> I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks guys! <3

It had been awhile.

They’d been traveling in utter silence for three days, moving faster since they were without any unnecessary items to slow them down. Orochimaru’s base was still hours away, and Konohagakure even further, yet the moment the luscious trees of Fire Country had come into view and River Country was behind him, Kakashi’s senses had been overwhelmed by the fondness he held for home.

It smelled like wet dirt and moss, a distinct smell of greenery and foliage rather than the smell of dry bamboo and barren trees. The air filtered through his mask as if it belonged to his lungs.

Fire Country, it seemed, especially the area immediately surrounding Konohagakure, never seemed to lose its liveliness, its color, even in the height of winter.

They had stopped for the night to make camp.

The sound of crackling wet wood and sputtering fire filled the silence of the forest, between Kakashi and his companion. The last time he had traveled through Fire Country, the heat of summer had been ebbing away into the coolness of fall.

The sound of cicadas had been all around then, calling to their mates in preparation for winter breeding.

Now, however, the cicadas had long retreated, and despite the familiar scent of home, Kakashi wished he could burrow away, just like the insects, and run from the one unwelcomed scent invading his homecoming.

Directly across from him, clad in all black, from hair, to eye, to toe, was Uchiha Sasuke, digging holes into Kakashi’s chest, dissecting his guilt with a dark knowing eye.

* * *

 

“No,” Sasuke and Kakashi concluded in unison, their voices stern and their expressions grim as they looked at each other.

Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sai stood evenly spaced away from each other in their typical meeting place within Takumi Forest.

If a single glance could manifest a deadly chidori, Kakashi felt that it was that very moment between he and Sasuke.

Sasuke knew. Kakashi was certain now. It only took a moment for him to feel it in the air when he’d arrived.

Yet Sai seemed to know better than to let that moment linger. He called the attention back to him as he repeated the mission goals, and Kakashi felt the relief in his chest.

“It is imperative that we gather as much accurate information from Orochimaru as possible,” Sai stated calmly, as if he were entirely unaware of the tension between Kakashi and Sasuke.

“I can go alone. I don’t need anyone else to go with me,” Sasuke ground out, clearly irritated by the prospect of traveling in a group.

“Sakura is directly involved with the target and has more exposure to Masuyo than any of standing here. Sasuke, communication has never been your strong suit, and I think that Sakura will be able to formulate proper questions with her involvement.”

“That’s precisely why she can’t go,” interrupted Kakashi.

This time, Sasuke’s stone-cold glare was directed straight at Sai as if he were staring at him to stand down and let go of his proposed plan.

Sai’s head turned slowly towards Kakashi; he was unblinking and unsmiling as if to communicate Sai’s message from last night.

_My priority is the success of this mission, not to add to the chance for failure._

“Having two sets of ears will minimize the chance for miscommunication, and I stand firm on the notion that Sakura will be better suited to ask the appropriate questions.”

Although Kakashi understood Sai’s reasoning and purpose, he couldn’t bring himself to allow it.

“The reason we are meeting here without her is because we’ve collectively agreed to withhold the target’s death _and_ that we have located Masuyo’s compound. We were concerned that her emotional involvement with the target would lead to rash behavior; are you suggesting that your original source of caution has changed?”

His stern voice almost reminded him of his days as Hokage.

Sai remained silent. Kakashi felt Sasuke’s gaze from his side.

“Besides,” Kakashi sighed, purposefully softening his tone. “Given Sakura’s involvement with the civilians of Takumi, it would also be much more obvious if she were to be taken _out_.”

“Then what do you suggest? Surely you understand why I suggested her in the first place,” said Sai, body and expression unchanging as if he were a slab of chiseled marble.

Kakashi paused for a moment. He raised his gloved hand to pinch his chin and gazed at the floor as he thought.

“Can we utilize the animals? They can communicate with their host regardless of location, can’t they?” asked Sai.

He heard Sasuke scoff from beside them. Sai did not have a summons, and so it was unlikely that he truly understood how the contracts worked.

“Sakura’s summon is similar to mine. Their presence requires our chakra. Given Aoda and Katsuyu’s size and power, a small Katsuyu will not last if she is away from her host for too long or if she is significantly out of her range,” countered Sasuke. He crossed his arms under his cape and looked up at Kakashi through the bangs of his hair.

“Perhaps Kakashi’s dogs would serve us better. They’re simple creatures that only need to be summoned,” Sasuke continued, yet Kakashi couldn’t help but feel as though Sasuke were slighting him and his ninken.

He felt irritation rise within him as he detected Sasuke’s patronizing tone. It was though he were suggesting that Sakura’s legendary contract placed her beyond Kakashi’s reach.

Kakashi forced himself to continue in a cheery tone.

“I’d advise against sending my ninken with anyone but me on a mission like this. They don’t have a contract with Sasuke-kun, and they would be hard for him to control.”

“Don’t call me that,” he quipped irritably.

Kakashi turned and smiled under his mask.

“Sorry. Force of habit after all these years.”

Again, Kakashi and Sasuke’s eyes locked onto each other, feeling the electricity of their bitterness toward one another as they stared each other down.

“Where does that leave us then?” Sai asked. He seemed to be exasperated, but Kakashi didn’t care to look. He was too busy matching Sasuke’s staring contest.

“I’ll go with him,” Kakashi said without thinking, the words shocking him as soon as he spoke them.

Sasuke’s glare did not change, yet Kakashi knew he could not back down nor take back his proposal, and there was no way he’d allow Sakura to go on this mission.

He had valid reasons for keeping her away, but Kakashi knew that above all of it was his fear that sending her would allow her to rekindle her relationship with Sasuke.

“I’m the second best choice given my involvement in this mission. I know all of Sakura’s stories, I’m familiar with Sayuri and have seen Masuyo firsthand through observation. Sakura can deal directly with my boss since he’s got a soft-spot for her, and I’ll leave Pakkun to keep her company and in direct contact with me if something happens.”

He watched Sasuke’s eyes darken with this proposal.

Kakashi knew that Sasuke was no fool—Kakashi was putting his proximity to Sakura on full display, and there was no way that Sasuke could compete with it in this moment.

It seemed that all of the secrets left unsaid were visible in implication; all of them were entirely aware of it.

But because they were on a _mission_ , none of them would speak plainly.

Yet Sasuke seemed to find a way to teeter on the edge of it.

“Curious,” he began cooly, eyes lowering as his chin tilted back. “If your ninken are hard to control without your presence, why are you so willing to leave one with my wife?”

Kakashi smiled in response, closing his eyes as he shifted his weight to the side, displaying a sense of ease.

“We’ve been here for a quarter of a year, Sasuke. She has her own relationship with Pakkun at this point.”

And it was the truth; he knew that Pakkun was too relaxed to do anything unadvised, and he’d be in direct contact with Kakashi anyway.

“And I won’t leave her alone with Pakkun.”

Kakashi broke away from Sasuke’s piercing stare to turn to Sai.

“She’s not in the clear here. Masuyo could return to Takumi at any time, and I need you to be present to make sure she’s accounted for and safe.”

Sai nodded once but seemed to be asking Kakashi with a single look if he was sure about his decision.

“The mission success comes first,” Kakashi confirmed, both to let Sai know that he was aware of the risks, and to prevent Sasuke from tearing his head off the moment they departed. Kakashi was well aware of what this journey meant—he knew that spending so much time with Sasuke meant a strong possibility of confrontation, but it was better than sending Sakura alone with him.

“Then let’s go,” Sasuke said calmly, likely suppressing any feelings of anger he held in the moment.

Kakashi swiveled on his foot and began to stroll towards Takumi.

“I’ve got to check in with Sakura-chan and prepare first. I can’t just disappear. We leave tonight. Meet here.”

And before Sasuke and Sai had the opportunity to say otherwise, Kakashi blinked away, leaving the two men with little choice but to accept.

* * *

As he sat by the fire, Kakashi pulled out his pack to produce pre-cooked fish and vegetables that Sakura had made for him in foil packs. It was a stack of foil packets wrapped in a pink silk handkerchief that was adorned with white flowers, knotted at the top to hold the packets in place. Kakashi looked at it warmly, grateful for Sakura’s thoughtfulness, and unknotted the package. He glanced up briefly to see Sasuke observing the bundle in Kakashi’s hands with a blank expression, leading Kakashi to wonder if Sasuke had brought any food for himself.

Kakashi took out two packets then leaned forward to place them at the edge of the fire, then rebundled Sakura’s pack of food on his lap. Once he placed it in his big, Kakashi reset his position and hung his arms over his knees.

Since their departure from Takumi, the two of them had failed to utter a word; the gravity of their time together had settled into Kakashi’s stomach, and any sort of possessiveness and ire that he felt from yesterday’s meeting had melted away into nervousness and guilt.

Sakura’s husband was sitting right across from him, staring at him intently as if to peel away any layers of this peaceful facade that Kakashi had established on this trip.

Sakura’s scent was all around him: on the clothes that she had packed in his bag, on the sweater she had smothered before he left, on the dried saliva left on his neck when she’d tried to keep him through sensual kisses.

It had only been about five days since the initial _union_ with Sakura, and since then, they’d essentially acted like rabbits, taking every opportunity they could get, even up to the moment of his departure.

 _What has Sasuke been thinking about?_ Kakashi wondered. He pondered over just how far they’d take the silent treatment, and whether or not Sasuke would seize the opportunity to accuse him of something he was actually guilty of.

If only Sasuke _knew_ —and it was likely that he _knew_ , but if he really knew just how far this affair was going—he’d definitely kill him on the spot.

And Kakashi felt that he probably would deserve it.

* * *

 

That morning, before the meeting, Kakashi had been sure to walk her to class, holding her waist tight as if to let her know that she could depend on him if she needed him.

It had been the first day of class since Sayuri’s disappearance and he knew it would be tough on her—not only because Sakura would have to face Itsuki and her sensei’s pained face, not only because the inevitability of a blow up, but because Sayuri’s stool would remain forever empty.

Before he’d dropped her off, they stopped in front of the doorway to Studio 24. He felt her inhale deeply, calming herself with a drawn out exhale.

He placed his hand on the small of her back. Sakura’s body was stiff in his hand, but she turned to face him, yet kept her eyes on the floor.

“Ready?” he whispered, placing his chin atop her strawberry hair.

“I have to be,” she responded quietly, pulling away to look up at him with a forced smile.

“I’ll be at home waiting for you,” he replied with a smile, letting her slip away and lifting an arm to hand her the bag of her materials.

Sakura said nothing as she took her things. She only leaned forward to leave a ghost of a kiss on his cheek and then disappeared behind the studio door.

He waited for a moment, thinking of all the emotions that must’ve run through her the second Sayuri’s desk came into view.

But there was nothing he could do for her.

Suddenly, from behind him, an unfamiliar voice spoke his name.

“Good morning, Akiyama-san,” the man said as he walked by. He didn’t pause for a response, didn’t look up to meet him, only walked into the studio.

 _Wavy brown hair… blue eyes… without common courtesy…_ Kakashi thought. _He must be Yuuto._

Kakashi thought that Yuuto was relatively handsome, and surprisingly, the only hope he had in that moment was that Yuuto could somehow support Sakura though whatever turmoil awaited her.

But, due to the stories Sakura had told him before, he knew he couldn’t hope for much.

And when Sakura had returned that day, she had come home entirely sullen. Kakashi had prepared some bean sprout salad with tofu and miso soup. It was ready on the table for her when she arrived.

Over the course of their meal, he had discovered that the day proceeded normally—as if Sayuri’s absence wasn’t _real_ despite the heavy looks on all of their faces.

She said that the only tangible indication that something was amiss was when Itsuki silently rose from his seat and left without a word.

“I don’t know what I expected when I walked in, but I suppose it wasn’t that,” Sakura said.

When the conversation came to a lull, Kakashi knew that he had to tell Sakura about his side mission.

“Sakura, I need to tell you something.”

“Hmm?” she asked, taking a sip of her tea as she looked up through her lashes.

“While you were in class, Sai and Sasuke summoned a meeting and I went ahead.”

She paused, holding her teacup in place against her lips.

“Sasuke and I are leaving tonight to gather information from Orochimaru—to see what he knows about the Sound shinobi…”

His voice trailed off as he observed Sakura’s frozen stature.

She spoke softly, her lips still grazing the rim of her cup.

“Why can’t Sai go…?”

“He brought up a good point. You need to be here because you are more involved with the villagers than I am. Sasuke can’t go alone because he’s not very effective at communicating properly. It was proposed that I go with him to ensure the right questions are asked given my direct involvement with you and the mission.”

There was a pause. Sakura lowered her cup to the table and closed her eyes as she thought. He watched her chew on her lip.

“Sai is going to stay in Takumi as your back-up, just in case Masuyo returns and something happens. I’ll leave Pakkun with you too.”

“And your job?”

“I need you to visit Zenhichi for me and tell him that you were sick last week and that I caught whatever sickness you had.”

“Your class?”

“Didn’t we discuss having me drop out anyway?”

Silence again. Kakashi knew that Sakura wanted to ask the hard question, but she was holding back.

He knew that she wanted to make _sure_ that Kakashi wouldn’t reveal their affair, but she wouldn’t say anything.

“When will you be back?”

“In a few days. Without the cart, Sasuke and I can run at full speed to our destination. I’ll have Sasuke use the rinnegan to bring us back here to avoid a longer absence. I’m sure he’ll agree.”

Kakashi tapped his chopsticks against his plate and placed his elbow on the tabletop. A million thoughts were running through his mind. He wondered if he should promise that he wouldn’t say anything, but if Sasuke really _knew_ something, Kakashi didn’t know if he could lie his way out of it. He didn’t want to tell her that either. He wondered if he should apologize and tell her that he understood what she must be feeling, knowing the kind of discomfort she’d face in having her husband travel with her illicit lover.

But before he could decide how to break the silence, Sakura broke it for them.

“I’ll miss you,” was all she said.

Kakashi looked up from his plate with surprise to see Sakura smiling softly at him, causing a smile of his own to form.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” he said quietly, putting the chopsticks down as he watched her rise from her chair and make her way around the table.

Kakashi leaned back on his chair and pushed it away from the table. Sakura recognized the invitation and sat on his lap, her arms curling around his neck as she made herself comfortable.

As he wrapped his arms around her waist, Kakashi couldn’t help but bury his nose into her hair just right beneath her ear. Sakura pressed her cheek against his forehead as they sat in silence.

He wondered then, beneath his outward contentedness, just _how_ Sakura was able to ignore something so worrisome and go straight into her affectionate role.

The ever-present doubt made its return in his chest, but it was quickly dispelled—or masked rather—by the soft lips trailing over his cheekbone.

“Take me before you go,” she whispered, her hands crawling into his hair. “And then I’ll help you pack…”

And Kakashi could do nothing but obey, not that he had it in him to object. Kakashi had moved her head with his nose, lifting her chin so that he could get to her neck.

“As if I could help myself,” he said roughly, lapping her neck with his tongue before taking her soft skin into his mouth.

* * *

 

It would have been a step too far if he’d met up with Sasuke with the evidence of sex on his body. Sure, Sasuke didn’t have the same olfactory senses that Kakashi had, but Sasuke’s contract with Aoda _did_ allow him a different approach to smell through taste and heat sensitivity.

He’d been sure to make it into the shower before summoning Pakkun and leaving the apartment, but even then, she’d followed him into the shower, ensuring they got their fill of each other before he disappeared for longer than she was used to.

Since the start of this mission, he and Sakura had only been apart for a few hours at a time. Even he was surprised to feel the attachment he’d developed for her, recognizing it not long after he left the perimeter of Takumi.

Kakashi was battling a paradox. He surely felt guilt as he sat across from Sasuke, but he also couldn’t stop the slight feeling of dominance bubbling within his chest as he thought about his relationship with Sakura.

Sasuke’s wife _picked_ him…

But as he stared at the folded foil packets of fish on the floor, he forced himself to dismiss the thought because he knew that her choice could sway at any moment.

Kakashi picked up a stick and knocked the foil packets away from the fire. He tentatively reached down to touch the packet, yet before his fingers landed on it, Sasuke interrupted.

“It’s hot enough.”

“Thanks…”

And then, using the stick he had picked up, Kakashi began to flick the packet of food around the perimeter of the fire until it was close enough for Sasuke to reach.

“Here,” Kakashi offered. “It’s fish and vegetables.”

Sasuke didn’t reply. He picked up his own twig to move the packet away from the fire, staring at the packet intently as if it could reveal secrets that Kakashi wouldn’t dare say.

Using the sleeve of his sweater, Kakashi reached down to retrieve his packet from the floor. He placed it on his lap as he carefully unfolded each packet without burning his fingers. Kakashi then picked up his chopsticks and began to eat

Without looking, Kakashi knew that Sasuke hadn’t even opened his packet. For a moment, he thought back to the days of Sasuke’s genin days, the days in which he listened to nothing except for the bickering of Sasuke and Naruto as they sat by the fire after a long day of traveling.

How he wished that he could have that dynamic back.

And in the quiet tension of his meal, Kakashi thought back to the last time he’d been alone with Sasuke. It’d been over fifteen years—fifteen years since the end of the Fourth Shinobi War, and fifteen years since he’d let himself into Sasuke’s jail cell. It had taken everything to convince Ibiki to let him return on his own, to speak to Sasuke not as the Rokudaime speaking to a prisoner, but as a man speaking to his younger reflection.

He remembered it clearly, the feeling in his chest as he descended into the depths of the dimly lit stone holding, the scent of rusted metal permeating the air.

He remembered the chakra seal over Sasuke’s eyes as he approached the cell and leaned against the cage that was inadequately containing him.

* * *

 

_“Sasuke,” Kakashi murmured, keeping his eyes diverted from the unwelcomed sight of him in a bodysuit. “It’ll be hard to convince the council and the Daimyo that you are worthy of forgiveness…”_

_A pause._

_“Your involvement in the Akatsuki, even if it was for a short time, contributed to the resurrection of the Juubi and thus the devastating loss of over fifty thousand shinobi and countless civilians across the nations… As someone who cares about you, and as the Rokudaime, I’ll try my best but I’m sure you understand how this looks.”_

_Sasuke’s head tipped downward as he listened to Kakashi speak._

_“I need to hear it from you, Sasuke,” he pleaded quietly, hoping that Sasuke would respond. “Why did you come home? Why now?”_

_“I… understand now,” he grumbled, his body unmoving in his restraints. “Naruto said that I misunderstood Itachi’s intentions… and I understand what Itachi wanted for me, why he left me alive, what he was trying to do after all this time.”_

_Sasuke didn’t explain himself further, but Kakashi understood that he couldn’t have expected much more. Sasuke had never been overtly expressive, especially when asking him something so personal. Kakashi knew that he was lucky Sasuke had even told him that much._

_“I’ve done a lot of wrongs,” he continued, almost inaudibly. “And if Konohagakure can’t accept me, I understand.”_

_“And if you are released? What then?”_

_“I want to atone for my sins.”_

_“How do you plan to do that?”_

_“Even if the council forgives my actions, the people of Konoha won’t. I can’t stay here, but I’ll work on Konohagakure’s behalf. My efforts will be better spent out on the field, fixing the damages I helped create.”_

_“Even if the council doesn’t recognize this, the fact that you came to Konoha willingly and complied with being sealed means you’re serious. Even I know that you could break free and escape if you wanted to.”_

_And then there was a passing silence. Kakashi thought about his words, understanding that Sasuke’s presence in the village would be the same as allowing people throw rocks at him. He was right; it would be better if he’d left, at least for awhile._

_But there was one unresolved problem that came with that proposition…_

_“What about Sakura?” he wondered, slightly in disbelief that he’d ask this question to begin with._

_“I don’t deserve the love she has for me.”_

_For a moment, Kakashi remembered the sight of Sasuke charging at Sakura, putting her under genjutsu, and the sudden anger that overtook Kakashi’s body when the attack registered in his psyche._

_“She wants you to be happy, Sasuke.”_

_“I don’t even know what that word means anymore.”_

_“What if she helps you find it?”_

_Finally, Sasuke’s body seemed to stir. He shifted uncomfortably in his restraints, his head turning away towards the back wall as he spoke._

_“Kakashi,” Sasuke began regrettably. “I can’t be the man she wants me to be.”_

_Kakashi sighed as he turned to lean his back against the metal gate, thinking of all the trials Sakura put herself through on Sasuke’s behalf. Maybe that was true, but it seemed that she had an unlimited source of strength when it came to him._

_“If that mattered to her,” Kakashi insisted. “She would have let you go a long time ago.”_

_He swore that he heard the tiniest of sighs escape Sasuke’s lips, but he had no reply._

_“Even if you won’t admit it to me or yourself, Sasuke, I know that she’s an important person to you.You’ve always let her get close to you, and we both know you could have killed her if you wanted to.”_

_“I almost did…” Sasuke ground out. Kakashi could hear the anguish in his voice. It was a rare moment in which Uchiha Sasuke allowed himself to feel his regret and sorrow._

_Kakashi sighed heavily, wishing that neither of them were in this predicament, that things could have unfolded differently for Sasuke and Sakura. He wished that they could find happiness, and he felt that perhaps together they’d have the best chance—that is, if Sasuke would allow it._

_“You said you wanted to atone your sins… if you weren’t one of my important people, I wouldn’t be here, fighting for you to get out. But Sakura is important to me too—you both are. Sakura loves you; see to it that your intentions are clear before you allow her to get too close to you. If you choose to try and atone your sins against her, do it right.”_

_Again, Sasuke had no reply, but Kakashi wanted him to understand. If he was going to allow Sakura to love him, Sasuke had to be sure he’d proceed with caution._

_Sakura had been through enough too._

_“I loved someone once,” Kakashi admitted, hoping that Sasuke would understand if he revealed himself as an example. “I committed a fatal sin against her and I was never had the chance to make it right.”_

_Kakashi kicked himself off of the gate and stood straight, readying himself to leave the holding._

_“You have that chance… Don’t waste it.”_

_Yet before Kakashi had a chance to walk even three feet away from Sasuke’s cell, he heard Sasuke’s voice calling with a final question._

_“Who was she?”_

_Without looking back, Kakashi sighed, heaving his shoulders as he readied himself to reveal one of the greatest sources of his pain._

_“Her name was Rin. She was the only teammate I had left, and I killed her with my chidori.”_

* * *

 

Kakashi began to pick at the vegetables left in his foil packet.

For a moment, the vision of his arm slicing through Rin’s chest crossed his mind, and the usual heaviness of that memory plagued his own chest.

He’d forgiven himself. Obito had forgiven him, and he knew that Rin had made that choice—yet he couldn’t help but think once more of the parallel between he and Sasuke.

It was destroying him to think about just how similar he and Sasuke really were, even down to the agony of losing family and killing those most precious to them.

It destroyed him to think that it could have been Sakura had he not been there to intercept.

Alerted by the rustle of a pack and the rattling of items, Kakashi looked up to see Sasuke emptying three food pills from a plastic container.

“You don’t want to eat real food?” Kakashi asked with concern. “Sakura made it.”

Yet as soon as the words slipped out, Kakashi realized that perhaps it would have been better if he hadn’t said them at all.

Sasuke scoffed lightly, then picked up the packet to toss it at Kakashi’s feet.

“You eat it,” he growled. Then he threw up his hands to stuff the pills into his mouth, chewing first before taking a swig from his canteen.

 _“Make sure you eat out there,”_ said Sakura in his mind. The image of her smiling by the kitchen counter, holding the pink bundle of food replayed in his memory.

She made it for _him_ and had never mentioned Sasuke.

Sasuke must’ve known; he must have known the moment he saw the pink handkerchief wrapped around the foil packets. Sakura was Sasuke’s _wife_ after all, and it was likely he’d received countless food packages just like this one during the few times he’d come home from a mission and left.

Yet here she was preparing mission meals for another man…

 _Fuck!_ Kakashi thought. He’d offered Sasuke the meal out of concern, out of a sense of camaraderie, but it was just another example of his carelessness, Sakura’s carelessness.

And to Kakashi, Sasuke’s rejection of the meal seemed to him as though Sasuke was saying, _I’m not going to share her with you…_

Kakashi looked up at Sasuke, wondering what kind of emotions Sasuke must be going through as a result of Kakashi’s actions. Back then, when he’d spoken to Sasuke in the jail cell, he truly wanted happiness for Sasuke… for Sasuke _and_ Sakura. Perhaps even _he_ was under an illusion—just like Sakura—that Sasuke could become someone that he wasn’t, someone who could be rehabilitated like _Kakashi_.

How was it that a boy so similar to him—a boy who lived a life so much like his own could have ended up on an entirely separate path?

When Sakura kissed him that night in the bathroom, the night she’d come home from having sex with her husband, he remembered the severity of the guilt he’d felt the next day, the heaviness of the realization that both Sakura and Kakashi had been marked by the Uchiha name.

As he listened to Sasuke put his container of food pills away, he remembered understanding then that Sasuke was a victim of his name too… that he never asked for any of this to happen.

 _What was he doing snatching away one of the few people that could have been Sasuke’s salvation?_ He’d asked himself then, and he was asking it to himself now.

He felt his eyebrows tighten into a tangled knot. His chopsticks were hovering above the food packet, frozen in place.

_I didn’t end up on your path because love saved me…_

He remembered the day the Sandaime ordered him to become a sensei for a group of wild academy graduates, the day Hiruzen explicitly told him that he believed a team would save Kakashi’s hardened heart from the darkness he found within Anbu.

_And he was right._

_Team 7 was my salvation._

Kakashi felt his emotions crashing into him like a meteorite. Slowly, Kakashi drew his head up to take in the image of his beloved student across from him.

Luckily, Sasuke was no longer looking at him, only rustling within his belongings, distracted as Kakashi allowed his affection for Sasuke to take over.

 _Sasuke,_ he thought to himself _. You were one of the people who saved me, who allowed me to feel again, even if you didn’t mean to…_

Kakashi’s eyes began to sting as he watched him. It was like he was looking at himself in the mirror, a shell of who he _used_ to be. Sasuke was the physical neo-embodiment of all the turmoil and anguish that Kakashi allowed to haunt himself in his younger years.

Their circumstances were different, but the experience was so incredibly similar.

Unlike Sasuke, Kakashi was able to molt out of his shelled prison. He allowed others to tear him out, to show him that there was more to life than just sorrow.

But Sasuke was trapped in his shell and even though he let people _near_ , even if he seemed to be moving through the motions of life, Sasuke was stuck.

Sasuke allowed himself to stay within his shell—protecting his heart from threats that he created.

 _“Don’t waste it…”_ he’d said to Sasuke those fifteen years ago.

_Why did you waste your chance to find happiness, Sasuke-kun?_

And before he knew it, Kakashi heard his voice calling out to the vision of the boy across from him.

“Sasuke,” Kakashi managed to say, his mouth running before his mind had it in him to stop. “Do you remember the conversation we had in the jail cell when we came home from the war…?”

Sasuke let go of his pack and sat up straight to look at Kakashi. His eyes squinted as he placed both hands on his knees.

“What about it?”

 _This was it._ Kakashi knew he was running straight into confrontation, but he couldn’t do anything to stop himself.

 _I’m sorry, Sakura_ …

“Do you remember when I said that Sakura wanted you to be happy…? You told me that you didn’t know what the word meant.”

Kakashi’s eyes were wide—cold from the tears that he felt collecting at the edge of his eyes.

“Do you… still feel that way? Did you ever find your happiness?”

Sasuke’s eyebrows scrunched for a moment. He was guarded, likely confused by Kakashi’s moment of bravery, even as Kakashi’s tear-rimmed eyes threatened to reveal every vulnerability against the man whose wife he was pining for.

But Kakashi would not falter; he stared back at Sasuke with determination, waiting for an answer, even if he didn’t know _why_ he was doing this, or _what_ exactly he was hoping to hear.

His heart was controlling him without any caution, and there was nothing he could do.

And when Sasuke did not answer his question, Kakashi simply asked another, hoping to get _anything_ out of him.

“Do you feel like you were able to atone your sins with Sakura?”

His voice was small—deep and that of a mans, but small and possibly even afraid.

Kakashi watched Sasuke’s eyebrows unfurl, his facial features straighten and calm.

“I tried.”

And those words were enough to send Kakashi back into his protective state.

_Did you really, Sasuke? Did you really try to be there for her?_

It seemed as though Kakashi would _never_ be free from this carousel of emotions. Even as he thought he’d made a decision, there was always _something_ ready to pull him back into confusion.

Because the moment he thought he was empathizing with Sasuke, he found himself ready to run back, ready to defend Sakura’s happiness, and take her into his arms.

If _he_ wouldn’t take his happiness, if _he_ wouldn’t help Sakura find it, then _Kakashi would_.

“Sensei,” Sasuke exhaled, his black and purple eyes burrowing into Kakashi’s heart as he stared directly into him.

The word shocked him. It’d been _years_ since Sasuke had last referred to him as sensei.

Did it have a purpose? Was he going to slap him in the face with his position, to remind him of the _taboo_ of a sensei falling in love with his student?

Kakashi braced himself. He walked straight into this conflict, and he knew that he’d opened the doors for confrontation the moment he’d called Sasuke’s name

“You told me you’d failed once—to atone your sins against the woman you loved and killed.”

Kakashi didn’t know what he was expecting, but it hadn’t been that. He felt his guard lowering slightly.

_Where was he going with this…?_

But Kakashi should have known better.

He watched Sasuke tilt his head back, his voice deceptively calm, his lips creeping open as he released the words he _never, ever_ expected to hear, something _far, far, far_ worse and more painful than a confrontation.

The tear that had been threatening to fall this entire time had finally fought its way past the threshold the moment Sasuke had hissed those words.

All it took was _one_ short sentence. _One sentence_ to re-open every single wound that Kakashi thought he’d allowed himself to heal. _One sentence_ to jolt him back into reality. _One sentence_ to send Kakashi running back into the same protective shell he thought he’d shed.

As it turned out, he and Sasuke weren’t that different after all...

Or maybe it was that they _were_ entirely different...

It only took _one phrase_ for him to consider it.

Sasuke stood up and off of his log, readying himself to walk away from their camp before saying his final words.

“Kakashi,” he uttered mercilessly, his voice the equivalent of daggers.

“Sakura _isn’t_ your Rin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Metamorphosis (n):
> 
> ONE: A typically marked and more or less abrupt developmental change in the form or structure of an animal (such as a butterfly or a frog) occuring in subsequent to birth or hatching - the metamorphosis of caterpillars into butterflies.
> 
> TWO: The process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct changes; a change of form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.
> 
> A/N 2: People have mentioned to me that previous chapters caused them to cry, but not once has one of my chapters led me to tears... until now! I don't think it'll have the crying effect on other people this time. The only reason it made me cry was because the very last line of this story came to me about 60% of the way through and the heaviness hit me like bricks... I just felt so sad for Kakashi. I wrote the rest of the story with those words repeating in my head, and Kakashi's devastation just lingering... 
> 
> Anyway, until next time, and thank you all for your continuous support~


	37. Phantoms

**** Sakura thought that she would have been accustomed to departure by now.

After thirteen years of waiting for Sasuke, thirteen years of constant alone time, thirteen years of watching Sasuke’s back as he left, Sakura thought she would be prepared for this.

She had no idea that her hands, heart, and mind would feel so restless without Kakashi’s presence.

In the six months or so that they’d spent together since she’d become an active jonin, and in the months they’d spent on this mission, she recognized that Kakashi had quickly become something like  _ home _ to her. The sudden lack of him was jarring.

Although Kakashi had left Pakkun with her, the pug spent more time napping on soft surfaces rather than conversing. He provided little companionship for her other than knowing she wasn’t alone. Sakura even went so far as to ask Pakkun if he would be willing to go on a walk with her.

He declined of course. And when Sakura would ask him about Kakashi’s whereabouts, he would reply that he wasn’t a psychic and that he agreed to attempt communication with Kakashi in the event of Sakura’s danger, not just to check in.

To combat her restlessness, Sakura filled her time with domestic tasks. She found herself scrubbing the floors and counters, washing all of the sheets, refolding the clothes in the dressers, reorganizing the cupboards, and shining the windows. When she felt tired, she would read Icha Icha on the bed or spend time sketching in her notepad.

To Sakura’s surprise, she even found herself looking forward to her work shifts,  _ anything _ that would distract her from the longing in her chest for Kakashi.

Anything  _ except _ for Sai’s practice sessions…

As if clockwork, Sai showed up on Thursday and Friday right at 8 PM. During these sessions, Pakkun had been present for every meeting and had grown accustomed to sleeping on the couch as the hours went by. Both sessions had proceeded in silence other than during the occasional instruction or comment.  _ Today _ , however, Sai seemed to want to address it.

Sakura and Sai had been sitting in utter silence at the table, just as they had been during the last two sessions, until now. 

Sai turned his head to glance at Sakura; she felt his gaze piercing her skin, making her shift uncomfortably in the chair that had become rickety due to Sakura and Kakashi's recent  _ misuse _ of it.

"Sakura," Sai called out monotonously. "Are you going to avoid speaking to me forever?"

Sakura began to squirm, her foot bouncing on the floor as and she started to chew on her lip.

"I just..." she began hesitantly, looking at him briefly before breaking eye contact once again. "I just don't know how to face you... You must think that I'm such a horrible person..."

She spoke truthfully as she was unsure of what else she could possibly say to him in response to his question.

When he’d asked the question, she had wanted to say yes, and if she could, she'd hide from him for as long as she could, but she knew that that was not a realistic outcome.

Sai blinked twice with an unmoving expression. He seemed to be thinking of what more to say.

"I don't think you're a horrible person," he said as he put down his paint brush. Sai's hands moved to rest on both of his knees as he sat up straight. "I think that you felt alone and hurt, and you found a way to make those feelings go away."

Sakura was shocked by his straightforwardness. Her eyes widened as she mimicked his action and put down the materials she held within her hand.

"What do you..." she started, thinking of all the things Sai possibly could have analyzed about her. It was as though he read her as if she were a book. "How did you know?"

"Your sadness was never discreet, Sakura."

"So you've known this whole time," she asked, though it sounded more like a statement when she said it.

"I think anyone who was close to you and watched you raise Sarada by yourself has known for a long time."

"Oh..."

And then there was silence. Sakura never imagined herself to be a person who let her problems become public. In fact, after all of these years, she tried her hardest to make it seem as though she was okay, as if Sasuke's absence had not bothered her as much as it actually did. She tried to smile and make it seem like she understood his absence, but as it turns out, Sakura must've been wearing her heart on her sleeve.

If  _ Sai _ was able to pick up on her sadness, then it's likely that all of her friends within the village were keen to it too.

"So you... understand then? You’re not mad at me?"

"It wasn't the right thing to do, if that's what you are asking of me, but I do  _ see _ why it happened."

Once Sai had broken the ice between them, he looked back at his canvas and picked up his brush. 

Sai's brush hovered over the canvas in front of him yet he never seemed to lower it. Instead, he leaned over for a moment to look at Sakura's painting. Sakura paused and watched Sai's expression as he observed what Sakura was working on, wondering what he was thinking, worrying about whether or not his scrutiny went beyond what he saw on the canvas in front of her.

She didn't know why she had chosen Sasuke as a subject. It's not as though she was compelled to paint him. Perhaps it was more so that painting Sasuke seemed like a reasonable choice given Sai's awareness of her affair. As though her sin wouldn't look so bad if she started painting a portrait of her husband, her commitment renewed. 

Suddenly, however, Sai got up and walked towards the door to retrieve another one of Sakura's canvases. When he walked back to the table, he plucked the canvas he was working on off of the easel and gently placed it on the floor before replacing it with a fresh one.

Sakura watched him with curiosity as he sat back onto the chair, scooted himself forward, and picked up a pencil.

"Talk to me," Sai suggested. He did not look at her. His pencil simply hovered over the canvas as if it were awaiting instruction.

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me how you feel," he said. "I'm sure you have a lot to say."

Sakura paused for a moment, watching him with tightly knitted brows, wondering just where this was going.

"But..." she hesitated. "I'm sure you already know, don't you? You said that everyone could tell."

"This is an exercise. If it helps, I'll ask the questions," he said. "Why did you marry Sasuke?"

Sakura leaned back in her chair. Her mind started reeling with all of the things she could possibly say in this moment. She wondered if she should repeat the scripted responses she gave over the years or really tell him how she felt—if she could manage to say it.

She'd never even admitted her feelings to herself until that night with Kakashi... could she dig out more of her truth now?

"Sasuke was... my dream guy," she breathed, looking down at her knees as her hands moved to rest on her lap. "All of the girls wanted Sasuke; he was cool, mysterious, a genius... unattainable.

She paused, inhaled deeply before admitting more of her secrets. For some reason, the question she found herself so frequently answering in defense of her husband was something she was stumbling to answer. Even the scripted responses wouldn’t manifest themselves now. Yet, as though he were waiting for her voice, Sai’s pencil moved the moment she began talking. 

"I was a girl in love, even before he became my teammate—or so I thought. What does a girl that young know about love anyway? But I thought I did, and when Sasuke left, I was so stuck on this idea of saving him, getting him to come home somehow. I thought that I would do anything to bring Sasuke back. And when he did come back, it was like all of the happiness that evaded me when Sasuke left came flooding back—like I was the only girl in the world who had a chance to be with the unattainable… the infamous Uchiha Sasuke who helped save the world.

“Were you surprised when he left?”

“No. He couldn’t say in Konoha, not when everyone continued to see him as untrustworthy.”

“So you knew he would leave.”

“I didn’t know he’d leave for so long. The village has long forgotten Sasuke’s crimes. He’s redeemed himself already. He could come home if he wants to.”

At her words, Sai’s pencil seemed to pick up speed. As she listened to the scratching of the lead on canvas, Sakura felt something trigger within her. Sasuke’s decision to remain away from home had always been a sensitive subject. 

“Home is an interesting word,” he replied dispassionately, focused entirely on the canvas with unfeeling eyes. “Konoha has not been Sasuke’s home since he originally left to be with Orochimaru.”

“Konoha will always be his home,” she retorted matter-of-factly, crossing her arms in defiance of that very claim.

“Could he call it home if most of the villagers were not willing to welcome him back?”

Sakura was silent. Sai had a point.

In this silence, Sai placed the pencil on the easel and picked up his paint palette. As he alternated between acrylic paint pots, Sakura watched him mix shades of pink, beige, green, brown, and deep reds.

Yet, as if Sai was entirely unaffected by her silence, unaffected by normal signals for awkwardness, Sai continued his line of questioning.

“What kind of a husband was he to you?”

Sakura did not miss his use of the word  _ was _ .

"He was..." she began, eyes unblinking as she peered down at her hands, her vision blurred into the recesses of her memories, seeking anything she could find in an attempt to seek a response.

Sakura couldn't bring herself to answer this question. She didn't quite know how to. Although it was a legal reality, the words Sasuke and husband were not synonymous with one another; they were entirely incompatible entities that refused to attach themselves to one another in real life.

"He was..." she repeated, thinking hard, trying to reminisce about the times that Sasuke came home, way back before Sarada was born.

_ Tadaima _ was all she could hear in Sasuke's voice—and it had never arrived in a joyous register. It sounded more like a nuisance to say, perhaps even a duty rather than a statement truly heartfelt.

She remembered the attempted conversations at dinner, the silence that descended between them when she attempted to ask questions or sound happy about his return.

At first, the intimacy issues were not much of a problem; he'd come home from a long stint with a craving, one that Sakura was happy to oblige. Yet as the silence between them grew more frequent, the further their lives seemed to get from each other as the months passed, the less Sakura and Sasuke seemed to engage in real intimacy.

He always seemed to be so far away.

Even when Sarada was born, he'd arrive from  _ somewhere _ , he would poke his daughter's cheek, stare at her in transient wonder, and then be on his way. He never wanted to hold her. He wouldn't admit it, but it seemed as though he was too afraid of her gentle frame.

Or maybe it was that he felt he didn't have the right to do so.

It was only once Sarada was a toddler, when she was running around on her own, that Sasuke had no choice but to interact with her more. When Sasuke came home, Sarada would be afraid of him at first and hide behind her mother’s leg. Only once Sakura urged that this strange man was her papa did she open up, and then he couldn't free himself from her.

She would chase him around yelling, “ _papa, papa!_ ” as if she would never tire of chanting such a foreign word in their household.

But then he stopped coming. He somehow became too busy, too involved in his secret mission to even send a bird, a letter, even place a  _ call _ … And Sarada had grown into a fully cognizant child without really knowing who her father was beyond photographs and stories.

_ What kind of a husband was he? _ Sai had asked.

"He was... absent," she managed to say, thinking of how she could put all of those distant memories into words. "Even when he was home, he wasn't really  _ there.  _ He was quiet when he came home, he was too afraid to hold our daughter... Even now, now that he comes home a little more often than he used to, he doesn't speak to us as much as I'd like him to. It's hard to get close to him."

When Sakura stopped speaking, the focus of her vision returned to her hands which had unconsciously balled the fabric of her pants into tightened fists.

She didn't think to tilt her head back up to look at Sai. If he was listening, he was listening. If he wasn't, it didn't matter. For once, she didn't feel the need to hide her emotions. Sai made it clear he had seen past her attempts to do so in Konoha anyway.

"What kind of a husband is Kakashi?"

When Sai asked this question, Sakura's head shot up in surprise. Her widened eyes stared into the side of Sai's face which remained fixed on the canvas in front of him.

There was no emotion in Sai's face as he painted, no emotion in his voice as he asked the question full of sin.

_ Is,  _ he had said. She didn't miss it.

"Kakashi is..."

Sakura inhaled deeply, and as she did, she felt the bubbling of nervousness and happiness at the same time. She had never been given the chance to express how Kakashi made her feel to  _ anyone _ that actually knew who Haruno Sakura was.

There was something terrifyingly liberating about this question, and she was going to take the opportunity to let her heart speak for itself. 

"He's the kind of husband I've only ever dreamed of having," she said softly, her chin dropping in slight embarrassment of admitting something so personal. The tightly wound fists seemed to loosen on their own, and the frown that was plastered on her face began to melt away into a gentle smile. 

"He wakes up beside me, smiles as he brushes my morning hair away. He kisses me good morning before rising from bed, before cooking me breakfast. Every morning I cover his scar and he covers my byakugou mark. He even walks me to work or class when our schedules allow or picks me up from work. Kakashi makes me feel like I'm in a partnership. We cook for each other, we clean for each other, when something is wrong, we  _ talk _ to each other and  _ understand _ how the other person feels. I've never laughed and smiled so much in a relationship before. I've never felt so beautiful, so loved by someone, so wholeheartedly appreciated... and when I go to bed, I've never felt so happy to have someone  _ holding _ me at night."

Sakura realized that she was rambling, and she was exposing more about her relationship with Kakashi than she had intended to, yet it felt okay to do so. Sai knew about the affair anyway, so she figured that there was no point in hiding it if revealing it felt so good.

And at the end of her ramble, she recognized that the gentle smile on her face had morphed into a full-blown grin. Her cheeks were hardened into a wide smile, her eyes fixed yet again on her loosened hands, her chest warm from fond memories.

Yet once again, Sai continued his seemingly detached exploration of Sakura’s heart, asking questions that continued to send her in multiple directions as he fixed his attention onto the canvas.

“Do you still love Sasuke?”

The question floored her. She found herself reeling in panic, wondering how he could ask something so personal—except everything he had asked until now had been personal.

Perhaps it was just  _ this _ question. She wasn’t prepared to answer it. She didn’t know if she could.

Her eyes slowly creeped up from her hands to watch Sai, whose entire concentration remained glued to his work. He didn’t look angry. He didn’t look like he was studying her, he just waited quietly as he painted diligently.

But as the seconds passed, the more unsettled she became. He was waiting, and Sakura felt that the longer she took to respond, the more suspicious she became.

She knew what she was  _ supposed _ to say, what was expected to come out of her mouth, but the words seemed trapped.

All she could manage to croak was, “...He needs to change.”

Even that left a bitter taste in her mouth, as if she wasn’t sure that she wanted it either way.

“What if he can’t?” Sai asked simply. Sakura felt uneasy about his demeanor,  yet set at ease at the same time. It just seemed to her that Sai was objectively asking questions without any particular bias, even if they seemed to be loaded responses on her end.

“He has to,” she whispered, her head dropping once more to stare at her lap. Her throat went dry. It felt as though she were spewing rehearsed answers, as if she was playing a role she didn’t want to play. 

“You were similar to him and  _ you _ were able to change…” Sakura felt as though her pleading words were her defense, as though she were trying to prove that Sasuke was in the wrong, to justify what she had done to him.

“Ino didn’t expect anything from me that I didn’t already want from myself.  I was changing on my own at that point. I wasn’t set on revenge. I had emotions removed from me. Sasuke has always suffered from  _ too much _ of it—to the point of rage.”

“But that’s too much of the wrong thing, especially when he had someone at home ready and willing to  _ love _ him, Sai, to show him that there was more to the world than just pain! And he chose to stay away!” Sakura leaned forward in her chair and almost shrieked when she explained herself, yet Sai, as usual, seemed unaffected.

“But that’s who you married,” he said calmly, entirely unfazed by her show of emotion.

Sakura sighed and threw her head back, leaning once again on the backrest of her seat, causing it to creak as her weight shifted.

She exhaled, calming herself before continuing her explanation. 

“I guess I didn’t understand that  _ that _ would be my reality. I really thought I could change him.”

“Was that fair?”

And once again, Sai had said just a few words that sent Sakura reeling, her head jolting up in shock as he seemed to know the exact opposite of what Sakura was expecting.

"W-what do you mean?" she stuttered, not quite understanding how to handle Sai's blunt-edged words.

Sai's brush seemed to move fluidly across the canvas. He dipped his paintbrush in every color, swiping from left to right, up and down, not once looking away as he spoke impartially.

"I think that you are being unfair to yourself  _ and  _ to Sasuke."

Sakura felt her eyebrows scrunch into a tight knot across her forehead. She didn't understand. In the rare times that she did speak about her married life to someone else, not once had anyone ever told her that she was the one who was being unfair.

"I don't understand," she uttered, tilting her head as she watched Sai paint from the side.

"Have you ever heard the saying 'You are your own worst enemy?'"

Sakura's head jerked back. Even though she knew Sai wasn't attempting to insult her, she couldn't help but feel defensive in nature.

"Are you suggesting that it's  _ my _ fault that I'm unhappy with my marriage?"

Finally, Sai put down the paintbrush onto the easel and put his hands onto his lap. He slowly turned his head, body stiff like a mannequin, only swiveling at his neck. Once he was looking at her, his lips curled into the slightest of smiles.

"Yes and no," he said plainly. "Marriage requires the participation of both parties. Sasuke played a role in your unhappiness as well as his, but you are playing a role in it as well."

"Because I cheated on him," she stated, finally feeling as though perhaps Sai was going to scold her for her actions.

"Not necessarily, though I would imagine that that plays a role as well."

Sai paused for a moment, scanning Sakura with what seemed to be an impassive eye that ironically made her feel as though Sai was peeling back layers of paint from her psyche.

"Because you expect Sasuke to hurt you, and because you expect it, he always does."

Sakura's mouth dropped, likely in an attempt to say something in defense, yet nothing came out.

"You want Sasuke to play a role that he's unable to fulfill. You said it yourself. He was your 'dream guy' when you were a young girl, but you also said that you fell in love with the unattainable because you wanted to save him."

Sakura could not say anything. She felt her eyebrows unfurling, her facial features relaxing as she stared at him wide-eyed.

"You  _ did _ save him, but the results of saving him could never be what you were hoping for. Sasuke doesn't understand love like you do—it's not possible for him. Your problem lies in the use of the word  _ unattainable _ . You knew it then and you know it now."

Sakura was in awe of her teammate and friend before her. This was the same Sai who understood nothing of social constructs when they met, yet had somehow transformed into one of the most adept individuals at analyzing situations and other people.

Sai.  _ Sai _ of all people could see past her layers, observing her like some intricate painting that promised things on the surface yet hid a secretive meaning. Yet although she  _ understood _ what Sai was telling her, she couldn't force her heart to stop feeling a sense of bitterness toward Sasuke—she couldn't help the wave of defensiveness rising in her chest that told her that he was at fault all along.

Sakura could not answer him. All she could do was stare at Sai in shock as the words  _ because you expect Sasuke to hurt you, and because you expect it, he always does  _ repeated over and over in her head.

Sai stood from the chair in one fluid motion. He made no sound, his movements light and furtive as any skilled shinobi's would be. Then he looked at Sakura with his classic shut-eyed smile.

Sakura looked up at him. Her body folded upwards into her chair and she wrapped her arms protectively around her knees as she waited for him to speak... or leave.

"When you go to school tomorrow, take this painting with you. I think it will get you the attention that we've been looking for."

He didn't wait for Sakura's response before he began to walk towards the doorway, his shoes hitting the floor without a single sound against the wood. She watched him go in anticipation.

She really had no reason to be upset with Sai; he had always been upfront and impartial, always objective, yet she really needed to be alone after what he had said.

She had to think about his words.

When his hand landed on the doorknob, he paused his movements and spoke.

"You are the subject of the painting and it is the most emotional piece you will bring to class yet. I used our conversation as inspiration. You may feel a little vulnerable when you reveal it to your instructor, but bear with it for the sake of the mission."

And then the door jerked open with a loud creak and the sound of dragging wood.

"I'm sorry if I dug too deep, Sakura. They'll return soon. I'll check on you tomorrow after your class."

And then he was gone.

Throughout the entire session, Sai's canvas had been tilted away from her. The only part of it visible had been the easel and the bones of the backside.

She had been curious all along, but she was too distracted by the conversation that they'd been having to lean over and look. Yet, now... with Sai's warning about the piece, the information that something in the piece would reveal her vulnerability, perhaps make her wildly uncomfortable, was frightening her.

She was afraid to look at it; perhaps just as afraid, if not more afraid, than she was when she was faced with Sayuri's original painting, the one Sayuri had said belonged to the one she loved.

Sakura sat on her chair holding her knees tightly, her cheeks pressing onto her knees, her eyebrows still crinkled at the center. She stared at the back of the piece in silence, wondering just what she would possibly see on the other side of it.

She shut her eyes and exhaled heavily to ready herself. She had to know. Slowly, Sakura let go of her knees and dropped the pads of her feet to the floor one at a time. As she lifted herself off of the wooden chair, she heard it creak as the weight was relieved from it. Each step she took around the table produced a thump until finally, all she heard was the sharp exhale of her own breath.

Sakura saw herself on that canvas in a sea of deep reds, but there wasn't just  _ one _ Sakura, there were  _ two _ . The likeness of present-day Sakura was there, shoulders naked, neck elongated, exposed, her hands clasping against her mouth as if to hold in a scream of frustration, tears running down her cheeks... but directly behind her was a Sakura long gone.

The young Sakura. The one who fell in love with Sasuke at the young age of eleven or twelve.

But she wasn't a welcoming sight.

Instead, young Sakura had her small hand tightly wrapped around older Sakura’s neck, the other arm held straight over Sakura’s eyes as its hand grasped onto the hair over her temple. Young Sakura looked as though she were restraining older Sakura, tilting her head back as she whispered what seemed like painful words into the ears of her present-day self.

And just like the image, she felt a sudden weight on her shoulders and her breath strangled in her throat.

Her eyes floated to the bottom right side of the canvas where a single word was painted in white:  _ dreams _ .

She heard Sai’s voice.

_ He was your 'dream guy' when you were a young teenager, but you also said that you fell in love with the unattainable because you wanted to save him. _

A hot tear streamed down her cheek.

_ Your problem lies in the use of the word unattainable. You knew it then and you knew it now. _

Sakura felt her lip tremble.

_ I think that you are being unfair to yourself and to Sasuke. _

She finally understood what Sai was trying to tell her, and it took his painting for her to see it.

Sakura slumped into the chair that Sai once occupied, her hand flying to her chest as she bundled the fabric into a fist.

She stared blankly at the canvas, letting the message sink deep into her conscience, listening to the words that the colors spoke so clearly.

_ Have you ever heard the saying ‘You are your own worst enemy?’ _

And she was… she knew it now.

The younger version of herself was holding her captive, promising things in her wedded life that never happened, but never allowing her to forget that it was  _ supposed to _ .

That young girl and her dreams haunted Sakura. She was a phantom that never let go, and that phantom was leading Sakura to look for a Sasuke that didn’t exist.

Once upon a time, when she was a girl, she had accepted that Sasuke had left, only slightly hoping for his return, even giving up on it entirely. Throughout his absence, through her doubt, she allowed an image of what Sasuke  _ could have been _ to grow in her imagination — the thought likely kept her. The vision of  _ her _ Sasuke must have grown to be so colossal, decked out with every romanticized characteristic of a man so unlike Sasuke that it could never have been possible for the real Sasuke to amount to her passionate illusion of happiness. 

Unhappiness was inescapable. And the moment Sasuke hinted at returning home, the moment he had given her a tiny  _ poke-on-the-forehead _ of hope, her illustrious, evasive Sasuke died and her ghostly vision of her dream Sasuke had resurrected in his place.

She was in love with a dream.

The signs were there. He would escape. He wouldn’t reciprocate. He wouldn’t engage her in conversation. But he’d offer a slight smirk, or he’d let her take his hand, and that one  _ give _ would feel like a monumental achievement.  _ There he is _ , she’d tell herself, if only she’d held on longer. If only she’d work a little bit more, she’d be able to dig her dream Sasuke out of the grave recesses of her mind that kept him hostage and bring him into reality.

And just when she thought her dream had been realized—when he had agreed to marry her at her urging, yet seemingly passive, suggestion—nothing else in the world could have amounted to or surpassed that deceptive victory. 

Everything that followed the height of marriage would only, and inevitably, lead to the harrowing disappointment of realizing that her dream Sasuke had been the illustriously elusive one all along.

He was just a projection, a figment of her imagination.

And the real Sasuke could never fulfill that role.

Yet for so long, Sakura had allowed her childhood love, her childhood dream, to pervade her adult reality, shielding her eyes from the truth that had been in front of her all this time.

_ Because you expect Sasuke to hurt you, and because you expect it, he always does. _

Sai was right. 

When Sasuke came home, she would never allow herself to be happy because she was too consumed with the idea that he would leave again. She never allowed herself to see that maybe he was trying to the best of his ability, and maybe his best just wasn’t compatible with her.

_ Sasuke doesn't understand love like you do—it's not possible for him. _

The dreams of that phantom Sakura had been blinding her...

_ Ino didn’t expect anything from me that I didn’t already want from myself. _

For a moment, she saw her best friend’s smiling face, her blond hair swaying behind her, the happiness radiating from her face each time she spoke of her child and of her husband.

Sakura had always wanted that for herself, and she was admittedly envious of her friend’s marriage.

But Sakura was expecting something from Sasuke that perhaps he never truly wanted for himself; family life could never suit the infamous Uchiha Sasuke. She was foolish to ever think it would.

Sakura’s slouching body slid down the back of the chair, her bottom dragging to the edge of the seat until the base of her head hit the back rest. She leaned her head backwards so that she could stare at the ceiling, tears streaming down the sides of her face.

It was time to let her phantoms go… but for some reason, she was struggling to let that image of her dream Sasuke dissolve. She didn’t want to, because letting  _ that _ Sasuke disappear would be the same as accepting that almost everything about her life was like living a lie…

Everything except Sarada.

And when her daughter’s smiling face flashed across her mind, the girl that looked  _ so much _ like her father, she couldn’t help the sob that escaped her throat.

It seemed that the sharingan was not the only painful inheritance that Sarada received from her parentage… 

Sakura’s phantoms had latched themselves onto Sarada too. Even she had dreams that her father would become someone that he’d never be.

Sakura was so afraid, so  _ so _ afraid of letting go, so mournful for the loss of her dream Sasuke that Sakura had foolishly passed on to their child.

“I’m so sorry, Sarada!” she cried aloud, raising her hands to clasp over her mouth as she sobbed in the chair, eyes clenched tight in an attempt to hold back her pouring tears.

And she was sorry. This time, not for the affair, but for all of the false dreams she had planted in her daughter, for all of the hopes that would never come to fruition, for the painful reality she knew she’d have to confront her daughter with when she returned home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally meant to have more, but I felt like adding another scene to it would have taken away the weight of Sakura's revelation. Even my husband said not to add to it and said, "this chapter has to be about her."
> 
> He's right! This is an integral chapter for Sakura and her marriage.
> 
> Writing this story is getting a lot harder to write actually, and I feel like it's because I'm delving into much deeper layers of their psychology (or so I think). Regardless, I'm having fun and I can't wait to keep going, even to write about the mission!
> 
> Thank you all for your continued support. I'm so genuinely happy that people are enjoying this story despite the heavier themes going on. And I'm even happier that so many of you understand what I'm trying to do with Sasuke's character, even we're all here for the KakaSaku pair (same tbh). You keep me writing. <3


	38. Intuition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that I'm so glad that people are reacting positively to the way I've written Sai. This makes me so happy!
> 
> Additionally, I've seen a few comments and private messages here and there about how the feelings I've written about make it seem to readers as though I have been through all of these emotions myself. I have not experienced infidelity nor am I a mother. I've just always been incredibly interested in the feelings of people, and I've been pretty good at "reading" people in my life. I would also probably attribute some of that to the amount of literature I've read. But regardless, I recognize this as a huge compliment. It makes me feel like the realism I'm trying to achieve is working. Thanks all~

Sakura stood in front of the entrance to Studio 24 clutching tightly onto the canvas that Sai had prepared for today’s class. In addition to the general discomfort of the classroom environment, Sakura was about to expose her feelings in ways she had never done before.

He was right about it. She did feel a little vulnerable — maybe more than just a little, and last night’s realizations were contributing greatly. 

In fact, Sakura had opted to wear Kakashi’s long sleeve shirt and created a fort of pillows around her body. She’d used his specific pillow to hug, wiping her eyes with his sleeve. She had cried for some time in the night and then had laid motionlessly onto the bed as she stared absently at the ceiling. Pakkun had coming whimpering for a moment, jumping on the bed to nudge his head against her arm as a gesture of comfort.

Sakura welcomed him instantly; he was Kakashi’s companion and a reminder of his care for her. Surrounded by as many things that reminded her of Kakashi, things of his that lent her comfort, Sakura and Pakkun remained stationary until they’d fallen asleep together. She’d awoken that morning through Pakkun’s nudging, and his characteristic mumbling about being let go. 

It had make her giggle in the morning, but the evidence of a night’s worth of crying had been on her face. Before leaving, she had healed the puffiness away, but the remnant gloominess within her remained.

Thinking about the morning, Sakura wondered if Imada-sensei would look at her with pity. The moment she passed the canvas off to sensei, there would be no guessing as to who the subject is or what she, as the subject, felt. And of course, presenting it to her would also mean presenting it to Yuuko and Itsuki.

“Are you going to block the door all day?” said a voice from behind her, interrupting her from her thoughts.

Sakura swiveled on her foot, clutching onto the canvas as she turned to see Yuuto behind her with a straight face, rubbing his hands together to warm himself from the winter cold.

“Oh, sorry…” she muttered, stepping to the side to get out of his way.

Yuuto walked forward as he eyed her. He seemed curious and reached for the handle to slide the door open. He paused.

“Well?” he said expectantly, shifting his eye between her and the door to urge her into it. She just stared. 

“Oh, oh right, of course!” Sakura hurried into the doorway, instantly hit by the warm air of the heater, eyes darting straight toward Sayuri’s empty chair. Yuuto followed close behind her. She heard the heavy thump of his boots cease for a moment before he stepped away and headed towards his work station.

Sakura followed Yuuto’s lead and dropped her bag and canvas onto her workstation beside his, noticing that Itsuki hadn’t arrived yet.

When Sakura turned her body and sat on her stool, she peered up in search of Imada-sensei only to see her standing nervously beside an unexpected guest.

Masuyo Hisashi.

Sakura’s heart seemed to stop beating and she felt as though her eyes would pop out of her head. Masuyo leaned against sensei’s desk with his arms crossed and his foot against the wood. His broad shoulders were draped in informal black winter robes with green embroidery, establishing that threatening regal feel that she’d encountered before. Sakura’s eyes traveled up his long arms, past his bared neck, and over the rise of his chin to see the piercing black eye peeking through a shock of forest green bangs; it was the same cold eye that had reminded her so much of Sasuke when she’d seen him first. Masuyo’s chin was tilted downward, he wore a light smirk on his lips, and his intense gaze landed directly on her.

“Good morning Akiyama-san,” he greeted coolly.

“Good morning,” Sakura forced out, noticing Imada-sensei shifting beside him, repeatedly switching her gaze from her to the door. It was likely that she was anticipating Itsuki’s impending turbulent arrival.

For a moment, Masuyo turned to look at Yuuto with a click of his tongue, offering the same greeting and a nod before looking back at Sakura. Then he used the heel of his foot to push himself off of the desk, dropped his arms, and strode confidently over to Sakura’s workstation.

Sakura could feel something brewing in her chest as he approached. She couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but mixed with the general heaviness of Sayuri’s absence and Itsuki’s arrival, she also felt a blend of nervousness and anger. Above all was the desire to grab him by the neck and squeeze an answer out of him, but she had to repress it and show an amicable demeanor.

As he turned the corner of her desk, he pleasantly inquired, “What do we have here?” His fingers reached for the edge of her canvas; she could feel all of the eyes in the room following Masuyo’s the movement of his hands. Sakura’s fist balled on her lap, holding her breath as she waited for his response to the painting. Looking up, she saw his smirk grow into a sideways grin and his eyes moving across the canvas. “Sayuri was right about you,” he mused quietly.

The comment surprised her, but before she had a chance to question him, the door slid open and remained so. This time, all eyes had turned to see Itsuki frozen in place under the door frame, hands glued to the handle as his expression morphed from shock to rage.

It seemed like hardly a second; Itsuki’s ashen face had suddenly turned a hue matching the color of his shaggy red hair. He tossed his pack towards Imada-sensei’s desk and stomped furiously over to Masuyo as if he were spreading fire, getting right into his face. 

“Where is she?!” Itsuki snarled with bared teeth, clutching onto the collar of Masuyo’s robe and pulling him close.

The sight was heartbreaking. Sakura could feel every bit of emotion coming from Itsuki’s feeble body. His grip was strong for one of his stature, yet all he could manage to do was pull Masuyo down to his height.Though he had the weak body of a boy who had never engaged in a physical fight, his heart was giving him the strength of a man in love.

But Masuyo’s slick grin only widened upon Itsuki’s threat. His eyelids narrowed into a squint and his chin was raised in a threatening display.

“She’s out of your reach, kid.”

“Itsuki-kun, please!” Imada-sensei called from behind, though as always, her efforts to pacify him were in vain.

“Just tell me where she is!” Itsuki roared, ignoring sensei entirely, shaking his arms in an attempt to rattle Masuyo’s firm shoulders. “What the hell did you do to h—”

Suddenly there was a loud smack and Itsuki’s body went tumbling towards the floor. 

Masuyo had whacked Itsuki’s hands away from him, and his small body went flying back towards the floor. 

Sakura’s chair jerked beneath her, her body instinctively reacting to her duty to protect civilians, but she was quick to restrain herself. Instead, all she could do was hold her breath as her face tightened into a scowl and anger blossomed in her chest.

“Akiyama-san,” Masuyo said calmly. Itsuki took this moment to get back onto his feet and charge at Masuyo with all of his strength, yet Masuyo easily pushed back, slamming him onto the wall with very little effort.

At his call, Sakura felt that her anger might burst through her at any moment. Her fist was itching to make contact with something, but she knew that it was not the time to act. Sakura, however, had never been one to hide the emotions on her face, and so she worried that her expression would give away everything she was trying to contain within her fists.

Masuyo tried finishing his thought again as he propped his arm against Itsuki’s sternum, holding him in place against the wall.

“Akiyama-san,” he called out with impatience, not once looking away from the growling Itsuki. “Come see me in my office, would you?” And then with another sly grin, an intentional taunt directed at Itsuki, he added, “It’s about Sayuri. She’s requesting your assistance.”

Itsuki’s body stilled under Masuyo’s arm, seemingly calmed or thrown into confusion by Masuyo’s words. Masuyo, however, had taken the opportunity to let him go and back away. He straightened his robe, not once looking away from the boy, and then said, “If you’ll excuse me,” before departing.

The class sat in utter silence. Each person was staring at Itsuki whose face was morphing once again in a matter of seconds: confusion, sadness, anger, determination. 

And in a moment, he pushed himself off of the wall, angrily yelling, “Fuck this school!” and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

The contact of wood against metal seemed to ring in everyone’s ear, and her intuition told her to follow Itsuki, just in case. She instinctively felt that Itsuki was going to get himself into trouble and would stop at nothing to find more information about Sayuri. 

The moment the sliding door rattled shut, Sakura’s head turned to look at Yuuto to gauge his reaction. What she saw surprised her; for the first time ever, Yuuto’s eyebrow seemed to be raised in slight concern, but she knew it wasn’t for Itsuki. He seemed to know that Sakura was going to meddle in places he felt she shouldn’t be in, and so, with his raised brows, he shook his head from side-to-side, silently telling her not to get involved this time.

_ Lay low, Haruna _ , he seemed to be reminding her.

But, even if Yuuto didn’t know it, Sakura was a kunoichi. This was her mission and she had no choice but to walk into danger.

She felt her features soften into an apologetic look as she rose from her seat. She smiled lightly, silently offering her thanks for his concern, but her movements were enough to indicate that she was going to reject his silent plea.

Sakura left her things behind her. She would come for them later, but for now, Itsuki was her new target. She broke contact from Yuuto and walked towards the door. 

The ambient silence was deafening and amplified the sound of her departure. Sakura knew that both sets of eyes were on her, both of them understanding just what she was going to do. But the moment Sakura’s hands landed on the handle of the door, she heard sensei’s whisper float through the stillness.

“Haruna…”

Sakura slowly turned her head to see sensei’s approaching her with pained eyes, filled to the brim with tears. Unlike sensei’s general response to Itsuki’s anger, Sakura felt that this would be a different request, a personal one.

“Please,” she pleaded softly. She looked afraid, as if in any moment she’d be caught for what she was about to say. “I don't know who you are or where you came from but…” Sensei reached for Sakura’s black sleeve, tugging it for a moment before her fingers walked themselves into Sakura’s palm. “…if there is any power in you to do something about this… please.”

Suddenly, she felt the distinct feeling of crumpled paper in her hand. Sensei released her, waiting for her to open it. Sakura eyebrows tightened in concern, both for sensei’s emotions and in the knowledge that after all this time, Sakura had not fooled her. Sensei  _ knew _ she was not an artist, just like Yuuto had suggested so many weeks ago.

_ Real _ artists just knew. Sakura wasn’t among them.

And so, Sakura lifted her hand and unfolded the note just below her chin to read sensei’s scribbled handwriting: “He takes them. I think he kills them. I’ve heard there’s a compound on the Northwest side of the border. I don’t know if you can save Sayuri but please save Itsuki. He’ll run straight in.”

Sakura should have felt more panic over her carelessness, over her failed attempted undercover identity, but instead, all she felt was great sorrow for the loss of these people. She should have been trying to assure sensei that she didn’t understand what she was implying, that she was simply a commoner who wanted to learn the craft. She should have felt guilty that she was going to let her mission partners down, but she was impatient. She was angry. She wanted to avenge Sayuri just as much as Itsuki did; she wanted prevent any future losses in this village.

If Masuyo was killing them, she’d have to stop him. That was what she did as a shinobi.

Feeling no danger in her admission, Sakura raised her head and turned to sensei with a regretful expression, tilting her head to the side as she took sensei’s hands in hers.

She squeezed sensei’s hands tightly, attempting to promise without words that she had heard her plea.

* * *

“So he’s alive,” Orochimaru chuckled hoarsely. His long, thin mouth slithered into a grin as he held a picture in his hand.

Sasuke had come with a file buried in the recesses of the Hokage’s secret records. When Pakkun had discovered that he’d been afflicted by a sound genjutsu, Kakashi immediately sent a report back to Naruto and Shikamaru to sift for information on Orochimaru’s sound villages.

From that file, Kakashi had been able to comb through an assortment of photographs—a collection showing a series of orphaned children that Orochimaru had previously taken under his wing as experiments. 

Orochimaru was currently looking at the child named Shi—as in experiment number four—and smirking as if it were a fond memory.

Kakashi was leaning against the wall of the laboratory wall. He didn’t feel welcome enough to walk around and explore; instead, he was observing his surroundings, thinking about all of the reports that Tenzou had once sent to him as the Rokudaime, committing images to his memory of those distant reports.

Sasuke, however, seemed to be comfortable. He walked through the dimly lit snaking hallways with ease and seemed to know exactly which laboratory he’d find Orochimaru in. When they walked in, Orochimaru had turned around without panic and simply called out “Sasuke-kun.”

They had been in the hideout for about an hour. Orochimaru had led them into an old, unused laboratory room with empty tubes that had once been used for sound jutsu research. To Kakashi, the room smelled like stagnant water and bleach, but the other men didn’t seem to be bothered by it. In this room, Kakashi had informed Orochimaru about Masuyo’s activities in Takumi and his suspicions about the jutsu.

Orochimaru seemed pleasantly surprised to hear that his old experiment was alive and well, but he had yet to say anything about the experiments results themselves.

“What can you tell us about this man?” Sasuke asked impatiently. His arms were crossed beneath his cape and his eyes were closed as he waited for a response.

Orochimaru flipped through each of the pictures with the same smirk on his face. Each child had been named as a number: Ichi, Ni, San, Shi, Go, Roku, Nana, Hachi. _.. _

“Shi was an interesting boy,” Orochimaru hummed while rubbing his chin. “He was part of the first experimental group of sound shinobi—he came from the same batch of kids that I sent to the chuunin exams that Sasuke-kun participated in. They went with aliases, of course.”

Kakashi cocked his head to the side. He was intrigued by this information and also regretful that these children had been named, or labeled rather, as numbers.

“At the time, I was trying to craft a debilitating sound ninjutsu and genjutsu—one that would transcend the levels of supersonic sound, beyond what you witnessed against Shikamaru in the chuunin exams. I didn’t send Shi. I couldn’t. The boy was intent on pleasing me, but he failed all preliminary tests. He couldn’t control his jutsu without affecting everyone around him.”

Orochimaru chuckled once, and then put the photos back into the file before handing it back to Sasuke. Sasuke’s arm reached out of his cape to retrieve the file.

“He was going to be killed, but when Konoha confiscated all of my Sound Villages, the inhabitants and experimental subjects were dispersed among allied villages for social rehabilitation. As you can see in this file, Shi was sent to Sunagakure.”

This piece of information left Kakashi unsettled. His cover story in Takumi involved Sunagakure, and he wondered how familiar Shi had actually been with politics and famous shinobi. If he had been, then it was absolutely possible that he had already recognized Sakura and Kakashi while in Takumi.

… but if that was the case, then why hadn’t he made any moves? Why did he allow them to continue their business in Takumi? And if Masuyo was planning an attack, what could he expect?

Kakashi needed to know more.

“The file,” Kakashi added, inserting himself into the conversation that Sasuke seemed to be leading. “We have no more information about his whereabouts after his transfer to Suna. What do you know about his activities afterwards, and what can you tell us about his jutsu potential?”

“As far as I’m aware, I had been told that he attempted to be a shinobi, but because he could not control his jutsu without incapacitating everyone in range, including his comrades, he was useless. They were only able to use him in an isolated room, and if the target was in an isolated room, it was likely that they didn’t need him anyway.”

Kakashi exhaled as he listened. Orochimaru had explained why Shi was rejected, but not what his jutsu could do. “What was his jutsu exactly?” he asked in an exasperated tone, raising a hand to rest his fingers on his temple.

“Shi’s experimental specialty was a sound genjutsu. He could manipulate targets by whistling. The goal was to hypnotize specific targets and control them, but Shi was never able to master it.”

_ Pakkun said he heard whistling _ … Kakashi thought. His hand rose to rub his chin over his mask, thinking about the possibility that Masuyo had mastered it on his own after all this time.

“Do you know what happened to him in Sunagakure?” asked Sasuke. 

For a moment, as he waited for Orochimaru’s response, Kakashi concluded that Sai was right about needing two people asking questions. Sasuke didn’t ask more about the jutsu; perhaps it was because it didn’t affect him.

“Hmm,” Orochimaru hummed, rubbing his chin as he recalled what he knew. “I lost most of my contacts when I was in hiding. I couldn’t easily reveal myself once Sasuke-kun tried to kill me.” Orochimaru’s grin returned and he flashed a glance at Sasuke before continuing, though Sasuke’s face remained as stoic as ever.

“But from what I’ve gathered, when the Fourth Shinobi War began, all Suna shinobi were drafted, including Genin. I later saw his name on the roster of missing shinobi. He was assumed dead.”

“Maa,” Kakashi cut in. “Well it looks like he isn’t dead after all, and it looks like he’s somehow figured out a way to master that experimental jutsu of yours.”

Orochimaru tilted a head in Kakashi’s direction. Sasuke’s gaze followed his.

“He was able to put my animal summons under genjutsu. Pakkun reported that he heard whistling and that he lost consciousness of his physical body until he was forcibly removed from the area. Sakura and I aren’t positive, but we think that’s he’s been successful in developing a way to target an intended victim and control their speech and actions.”

“This is an interesting development,” Orochimaru chuckled with excitement. “My little Shi, the same Shi who was so intent on pleasing his master came through after all.”

“That’s not all,” Kakashi continued, closing his eyes and lowering his head as he spoke. “He’s figured out a way to trigger the jutsu so that whatever hypnotic instruction he gives them continues without his presence. Sakura and I have encountered civilians and Takumi shinobi whose hypnotic responses are triggered by specific conversation topics—such as Masuyo Institute itself.”

At this, Orochimaru burst into throaty laughter. Kakashi and Sasuke remained silent in watching him.

“I hope you don’t plan on killing him,” Orochimaru said with a sly grin.

“If Konohagakure orders it, then that’s what I’ll do,” Kakashi replied, opening his unscarred eye out of old habit. He watched Orochimaru’s pleased demeanor.

“Then you tell your Hokage that Shi is valuable not only for my research but for Konoha’s arsenal of genjutsu. The Intelligence Division could use a genjutsu like this. It would be a waste to let it disappear after such trials.”

Sasuke scoffed in response. Kakashi remained silent, watching the fluid interaction between the two while he rolled a pebble beneath his sandal.

“Bring him to me, Sasuke-kun,” Orochimaru requested confidently.

“Why don’t you appeal to the usuratonkachi yourself?” Sasuke asked with the slightest of smirks. To Kakashi, they seemed like old familiar comrades which surprised him given the amount of times Orochimaru attempted against Sasuke’s life. But as Kakashi watched the interaction between the two of them, he felt as though perhaps Orochimaru was his  _ true _ sensei. All Kakashi ever really gave Sasuke was his chidori, but Sasuke had become a fighter here… inherited much more from Orochimaru than just one ninjutsu; he’d even inherited his legendary contract with Aoda.

“I might’ve been willing to help if not for the Konoha spy following my every move outside,” Orochimaru replied simply to Sasuke, his grin spreading against his grey skin. This, of course, caused Kakashi’s inner-Hokage concern.  _ Of course _ he would be aware of Tenzou’s presence, and truthfully there would be little Tenzou could do if Orochimaru truly decided to return to his nefarious ways.

“Hn,” Sasuke sneered in response, crossing his arms as he turned to walk towards the exit. “You could escape if you really wanted to.”

Orochimaru’s side-grin turned into a genuinely wide smile as he watched his old apprentice’s back.

“Perhaps I don’t really feel the need to.”

* * *

The moment Sakura left the classroom behind, she crumpled Imada-sensei’s note and stuffed it into her pocket.  She decided to furtively chase after Itsuki and watch his movements; she had the distinct sense that Itsuki would be going after Masuyo, and so Sakura summoned Katsuyu—just in case—then took to the trees to tail them in the shadows.

Sakura hadn’t needed to trail them too far before finding them on a public trail forking towards the administrative building and the main square. 

Upon the discovery of their location, she witnessed a short yet alarming conversation.

“If you’d stop acting like a child, perhaps I’d be so inclined to bring you to see her,” said Masuyo, his voice slithering through a smirk.

“Fine,” Itsuki conceded as he dropped his arms to his side. “Look, I just want to know she’s okay. I just need to see her. Sayuri just wouldn’t disappear like that.”

“She’s fine,” Masuyo assured him. “She’s very busy setting up her new establishment, but I can make arrangements if you’ll give it time.”

Sakura couldn’t help but feel as though there was something sinister behind that promise. From watching their exchange, she knew that she’d have to watch Itsuki carefully. Sensei was right: Itsuki was the new target, and his undying love for Sayuri made him an easy one.

Immediately after that meeting, she followed Itsuki home and summoned Katsuyu to keep watch. Sakura knew that she’d have to confront Itsuki rather than just watch this time—watching was what allowed the conditions for Sayuri’s disappearance. Even if Kakashi or Sasuke may not have approved it, Sakura was set on taking initiative.

Perhaps an hour after his arrival to the bakery, Sakura jumped down from the tree and walked into the shop.

The doorbell jingled behind her; Itsuki tiredly looked up from the elbow that he was leaning on. His eyes lit up in surprise for a moment before switching away in disregard for Sakura’s presence.

“What do you want, Haruna-san?” he grumbled, avoiding eye contact while maintaining his displeasure.

“Itsuki-san,” she said in an attempt to appease him. “Sensei is worried about you… I’m worried about you too.”

“You don’t even know me,” he snapped. His eyes instantly switched onto hers beneath creased brows.

“That may be so, but I’ve seen enough to be concerned.” Sakura slowly approached the counter and stood directly in front of it. She couldn’t help the look of worry that she knew was painted on her face.

Itsuki scoffed irritably. “What do you want?”

Sakura put her palm flat against the wooden countertop and leaned forward on her forearm. When Sakura moved here, she thought she would be prepared to say something, yet the knowledge that Itsuki could possibly reveal her identity became alarming. She couldn’t be too careless; she’d already been careless as she whispered her admission to sensei, but Itsuki was more of a risk. She couldn’t take it.

“I just,” she stuttered, attempting to come up with something. “I’m just afraid that you’re going to disappear like Sayuri did.”

“Masuyo said he would take me to her,” Itsuki said confidently. This time, he looked at her directly as though he were absolutely resolved with his decision to go after her.

“You must’ve heard the rumors about the people who disappear,” Sakura suggested, her eyebrows furrowing in slight concern.

“Duh. And that’s why I  _ have _ to go. I have to find out for myself and I have to save her if I can.”

“Itsuki-san,” she started, doubt filling up her chest and spilling into her tone. She knew that if he made it out of Takumi, he’d die. If only she could make that clear to him.

“I know it’s dangerous,”  he said almost heroically, his tone dropping softly which instantly reminded her of Naruto when he had set his mind on something. “But this is something I have to do. I can’t just leave her out there.”

She remembered then. The very first day she laid eyes on Itsuki, he was loud, happy, and boisterous, his arm pulling a surprised Sayuri in tow. It seemed to her that back then Itsuki was like the sunrise; he brightened each day with his gregarious energy and smile. Even on that day, she had thought that Itsuki bore a strong resemblance to her beloved Naruto in his demeanor.

And just like Naruto, Itsuki was absolutely certain and positive of his decision to run into danger for the sake of those he cared for.

And just like her interactions with Naruto, it seemed that Sakura was destined to watch, to assist, to care, to worry. Sure, she was a kunoichi, but her help could not be apparent. She’d do so from the sidelines—from the shadows.

“I get it,” she murmured softly, smiling slightly as warmth mixed with her worried gaze. “But if I can ask you to do any one thing, if you go, if you make any moves or plans to leave Takumi with Masuyo, please come tell me.”

Itsuki tilted his head in slight disbelief, as if he was attempting to discern Sakura’s level of investment.

“Just don’t leave without telling anyone where you are going or when so that if anything happens, someone can do something about it.”

Itsuki waited in silence, his eyes still calculating, likely considering his options.

“Please,” she requested and then she waited for what seemed like minutes. She slid her hand out of view and felt her companion slither out of her sleeve and onto the side of the counter.

“Fine.”


	39. Paradigm Shift

**** Sakura had been monitoring Itsuki through both Katsuyu and Pakkun for three days. Pakkun had required a bit of coaxing. He had initially refused on the grounds that he was not in a contract with her, but had succumbed to the promise of treats and petting after an unsuccessful attempt at bribing him with Kakashi’s pride. 

Following the choice to keep the new mission information to herself, and in order to avoid Sai’s suspicion, Sakura didn’t go on many surveillance rotations herself. Out of fairness for the animals, however, she would check in and hang out in a tree for a few hours then go about her day. Cleaning, cooking, painting, reading… rolling around in Kakashi’s shirts.

The truth was that she was avoiding a major decision: whether or not to take Masuyo’s invitation to go into his office. She wasn’t necessarily nervous about confrontation—in fact, she was itching to go. Instead, she was worried about whether or not to go against the wishes of Konoha, against the wishes of her Hokage, against Kakashi.

Her mission was to gather intelligence. She had essentially succeeded, and so when Kakashi told her that they didn’t  _ have _ to be in Takumi any longer, she knew he was right. At this point, her involvement in this mission was a personal investment. But this mission had manifested more guilt within her than she’d ever imagined, and the worry of collecting any more guilt was paralyzing—at least for now.

Until she could make a decision, however, she was spending her time elsewhere, distracting her mind. Admittedly, Sakura knew that any hesitation would solve her dilemma for her. The longer she waited for herself to act, the more likely Kakashi would return home. Maybe that’s what her heart really wanted anyway.

Pakkun had just recently returned from one of his shifts. The pug was napping at her feet while Sakura lounged against a pile of pillows on the bed. She had just finished eating and cleaning up after dinner, and so Sakura found herself passing the time by reading the last of the  _ Icha Icha _ books that Kakashi had brought with him:  _ Icha Icha Paradigm. _

Kakashi had been gone for almost a week and in his absence, she had easily finished  _ Icha Icha Tactics _ . Since  _ Violence _ concluded, Ayame and Takeshi had found a way to be together in secret despite their variance in rank. She had convinced her father to assign Takeshi to her personal guard which had been relatively easy for her to do. Takeshi had been near during an assault on the castle and saved Ayame from being taken out by an infiltrator. Following Takeshi’s appointment, the lovers had ample time to spend together without suspicion, and  _ Tactics _ had ultimately been a novel of all of the ways in which they snuck around the castle, teetering on the edge of discovery for fun.

The only real conflict was the impending arrival of her arranged marriage to the prince of a neighboring kingdom.

_ Paradigm _ however, involved a new conflict—a conflict infinitely more interesting to her than sneaking around, as fun and sexy as that was.

After months of fooling around in secret, Ayame found herself doubting Takeshi’s intentions. The initial feeling of paradise was dying down, the honeymoon phase fleeting, and Ayame and Takeshi were left with the regularity of routine love.

Once Sakura reached the last sentence of her page, she flipped the book face down onto the mattress and shuffled between the pillows. She maneuvered onto her stomach and stuffed a pillow between her and the mattress, resting her chin over the fluffed top. Once she was settled, she took the book back into her hands, turned it over, and began to read again.

_ “Don’t be ridiculous, Princess,” Takeshi dismissed as his pulled his shoulder armor over his head and hung it on its rack. His back was turned to her. _

_ “You’ve been gone all night! My feelings are not ridiculous, Takeshi,” she asserted firmly, crossing her arms with a defiant pout. _

_ “In this moment, they are.” _

_ Once Takeshi had finished hanging his armor, he reached for his lounging robes and flung them behind him to rest it over his shoulders. They were hardly draping over him, his chest bare and exposed for only a moment before he slid his arms through the holes and secured the front. _

_ Takeshi turned and approached the silent Princess with an exasperated sigh, the side of his lips curling slightly. Although her arms were crossed against her chest as a sign of her rebellion, her body only leaned into his as he embraced her. He nuzzled his nose into her black tresses and rested in the space above her ear. _

_ “Where have you been then?” she whispered into his shoulder. _

_ “Can’t a man join his comrades for sake once in awhile?” _

_ “Not when a man’s duty is to protect his Princess.” _

_ “What if the man is certain and has done everything within his means to ensure his Princess is safe?” _

Suddenly, Sakura felt Pakkun stir at the foot of the bed and his stubby tail wag almost violently against the mattress. His abrupt movements alerted Sakura just in time for her to turn her head back and catch the jiggling of the handle and the slow jerk of the wooden door. 

Sakura felt her lungs take in every ounce of air in the room as her eyes lit in excitement, and when the Kakashi’s silver hair peeked through the crack of the door, it was as though the light of the sun she’d been missing was reflected into her heart.

“Kakashi!” she almost yelped, tossing the book aside and tumbling out of the bed with no regard for the pillows that had toppled onto the floor. Sakura floated over to him despite the heavy pounding of her feet against the wood, and in an instant, her arms were thrown around his neck, weighing him down before he even had a chance to deposit his pack.

She was giggling as she took in his image, her lips leaving light, playful kisses on his neck, on his cheeks, on the beloved scar she had not touched for days.

Sakura hung on his neck as his arms loosely enclosed around her back. He did not return her small kisses; he did not return the same level of excitement. It took the sound of his dispirited voice to ground her from her state of elation.

“Hi,” Kakashi said simply. The palms of his hands were resting ever-so-lightly against her back. He moved his head to the side to look at Pakkun on the bed. Sakura felt him nod beside her ear and heard the poofing sound of Pakkun’s dismissal.

Sensing a need for distance, Sakura allowed her hands to slide off of his neck and trail down his chest before falling away. She forced a welcoming smile and could see Kakashi doing the same behind that mask of his.

There was something about his demeanor that screamed a warning that could not be ignored: something had happened during his trip with Sasuke.

Worry began to build up in the pit of her stomach.

“Have you eaten?” she asked softly, attempting to dissipate any tension that Kakashi had brought in with him. “I can make you something.”

“Miso soup and rice is fine. Thanks.”

Kakashi sidestepped and moved away from her. He walked towards his drawer, retrieved new clothes, and then retreated into the bathroom. Kakashi moved with no particular urgency yet seemed to be so far away from Sakura. Quietly, Kakashi shut the door behind him and locked it. The sound of running water soon followed.

Sakura found herself staring at the door for some time. He moved about like a living phantom. She didn’t know what to make of his return, and although she was dying to know the cause of Kakashi’s brooding demeanor, she knew she couldn’t reach him in his guarded state. And in this state, Sakura knew that the way to get through to Kakashi was to ease into it—to wait. He’d come to her when he was ready… right?

With that in mind, even though her heavy chest anchored her to the place Kakashi had left her in, she forced herself toward the kitchen counter and began to fix his meal.

Luckily, there had been some leftover rice from her dinner. All she had to do was make his soup which was truly a small task. She moved quickly between the counter, sink, stove and cabinets. Sakura filled up a small pot with water and left it to boil. Meanwhile, she dug into the cupboards to retrieve a cube of dashi and a tube of red miso paste. It took her but a moment to throw the measurements of each into the bubbling water, followed by the chopped sprigs of green onion and diced tofu that she prepared immediately after.

Her quick cooking had been a distraction from Kakashi’s cold return. As she poured the soup into one of their bowls, Sakura couldn’t help but wonder about Kakashi’s mission. She was certainly bothered by Kakashi’s distance; it wasn’t at all the homecoming she had been anticipating all this time, but she was more so afraid of what he had to tell her.

As if on cue, Kakashi emerged from bathroom freshly showered in the same moment she had placed his soup on the table. He was wearing a clean set of his navy pants and jonin long sleeve—the same one that Sakura was wearing without any pants underneath. Kakashi rubbed his wet hair with his towel as he approached the dining table and sat down. Sakura returned to the table after retrieving the leftover rice that she had covered with another plate and set it in front of him.

Once he pulled the towel off of his head and into his lap, Sakura realized that she didn’t know what to do with herself. She watched him stare at the spiraling steam rising from the soup, and the silence between them almost seemed eternal. For some reason, being beside him felt like an invasion… yet she couldn’t resist the irresistible pull of his body and stop her fingers from inching towards him. He looked up as if he were a wounded animal, his defenses on alert yet curious enough to allow contact. When her fingers grazed his temple, she smiled gently and tilted her head. Sakura’s fingers combed themselves through the side of his hair, tangled in shining wet locks before nestling on the back of his head. Like her fingers, she couldn’t resist the magnetic reaction of her lips before she leaned forward and left the gentlest of kisses on his forehead.

She lingered for a moment and whispered, “Okaeri…”

Desperate to leave the air of discomfort, Sakura backed away and an arm rose to her chest as she retreated to the bed and assumed the reading position she had been in prior to Kakashi’s arrival… only this time, Pakkun was not at her feet. Surprisingly, she wished that he was, that he would cuddle with her again the same way he had when she had cried after Sai’s session.

Sakura reached for the book that she had thrown aside when Kakashi walked in the door. She thumbed through the pages to find where she’d left off and attempted to read as a method of escape.

_ “I just feel as though you’re not around as much anymore…” Ayame murmured, her voice small as she sighed into Takeshi’s chest. _

_ Takeshi lifted his hand and placed his wide palm on top of her head and stroked her hair with his thumb. “That doesn’t mean I’m ignoring my duty,” he whispered as he pressed his cheek onto her temple. “The men are just excited by this newfound peacetime. I can’t reject their invitation to celebrate every time, can I?” _

Sakura heard the clicking of chopsticks and the sound of slurping.

_ Good, _ she thought.  _ He’s eating _ .

She heard the clattering of ceramic against wood as he alternated between his rice and soup bowl.

_ As Takeshi held the Princess, it seemed as though the comfortable silence was all-consuming. His arms were what the Princess had wanted all along, yet she seemed to be unsure that he continued to want it as much as he promised he always would. _

_ “Takeshi,” she called quietly as her lips hovered over his collarbone.  _

_ “Yes, my princess?”  _

_ “Have you grown tired of me? Am I too familiar?” _

_ Takeshi’s hands glided down the sides of her head to rest on her shoulders before creating distance between them. He looked down at her with a scrunched expression while she blinked through the revealed tears of a deep secret kept hidden within her. _

_ “How could you ever think something like this?” he asked, entirely perplexed, calmly bewildered. _

_ Ayame’s head tilted to the side as she smiled with pained eyes. “You’ve felt so far away lately.” _

_ “I’m right here,” he said sweetly, holding her body tightly against his as if to assure her that his absence didn’t mean that their hearts were not connected.  _

Sakura found herself submerged in Ayame’s conflict. She understood her heart, the desire to be beside the one she loved, the doubt that absence allowed to fester within a woman’s mind.

_ “Then why haven’t you kissed me yet?” _

_ As if responding to a command, Takeshi lowered his chin in a conquest for her lips, but the Princess would not have it. _

_ “Am I merely a duty to you now?” she asked, backing away from his body until his hands slid off of her arms and were no longer touching her. _

_ “Of course not.” _

_ “Am I a possession that you choose to see when it suits your fancy best?” _

_ “Of course not, princess.” _

Suddenly, Sakura felt Kakashi’s climbing onto the bed at her feet. She was looking at the book, but all of her senses were now tuned into Kakashi’s movements. In hardly a moment, she felt his body climbing over hers, his chest laid directly onto her back and pressing her body into the mattress as his arms caged her into the bed.

He began leaving light kisses against her shoulder blade. His hand reached up to swipe her pink hair over to the opposite shoulder, allowing his lips to trail up to her neck.

Sakura’s eyes fluttered closed. She sighed and tilted her head to the side.

As much as she enjoyed it, and as much as she had been waiting for this, there was something off about him.

“I missed you,” he whispered against her neck. The warmth of his breath spread across her skin, sending heated shivers down her spine.

_ What a change _ , she thought. Just a moment ago, he may as well had been in another village, yet here he was holding her beneath his strong body as if he’d never been so cold in the first place.

“I missed you too,” she gasped as he briefly sucked on her skin and released it with an audible pop, forcing herself to dismiss her unpleasant thoughts.

“Where are you in the book?” he asked quietly as his lips hovered over the moistened part of her skin. 

“Takeshi just returned from drinking with his lord and comrades and Ayame wants to know what she means to him.” The explanation almost came out as a breathy moan as he blew hot air onto her neck. His heated lips lingers on her skin, and as he retreated, the heat left with him. The dual sensation of hot-and-then-sudden-cold against her wet skin caused a streak of tingles to spread across her body.

“Mmm,” he hummed against her ear as his hand began to massage her right thigh. His hands slowly slid its way up so that his fingers could play at the hem of his shirt, right where it met the lining of her panties. “That’s a good scene.”

Sakura threw her head back onto his shoulder, shutting her eyes as her breathing began to grow labored in arousal. 

It had been a week since she had him after all, and his absence made her desire for him even stronger.

But Kakashi seemed to have other plans in mind, perhaps more innocent plans given that his fingers slid out of the lining of her underwear and was placed comfortably at the curve of her back, his fingers thumbing over his shirt. He began to leave butterfly kisses on her cheek as he gave her an unexpected request.

“Read it to me,” he whispered. There was no heat in his voice, only pure curiosity.

Sakura opened her eyes and glanced at him from the side. She saw the light smirk on his face that matched the soft sweetness of his eyes.

“Okay,” she said, kissing his newly-shaven cheek before turning to the book.

_ “‘I need to know, Takeshi,’ Ayame stated determinately. Her eyes were hardened, desperate yet confident in her actions. ‘If I’m not just a duty, then why won’t you call me by my name?’ _

_ Takeshi’s body jerked towards her in an attempt to respond, but the princess would not wait.” _

As Sakura read aloud, Kakashi continued to leave light kisses along her shoulder but avoided her neck. His hands remained in place on her waist.

_ “‘Do you love me, Takeshi? Do you love me as Ayame and not the Princess? Or have you been taken by me because I was supposed to be unattainable?’ _

_ Ayame’s voice took on the tone of royalty, of a divine ruler reciting her decree of a decision long made before the words were spoken. _

_ ‘Was I a challenge for you to conquer—a war trophy amongst your countless victories?’ _

_ The princess took a step back. _

_ ‘What am I to you, Takeshi? I hardly see you anymore and I need to know. If I’m merely a trophy that you keep locked in a room out of duty, then I shall never allow you to have my heart or my body again.’” _

Sakura noticed that Kakashi’s kisses and his touch were gentle, and just as she began to read Takeshi’s reply, she felt his cheek rest against her shoulder and his hands slide between her stomach and the mattress to hold her tightly.

_ “‘I love you for you, Ayame—‘” _

Kakashi interrupted her words, reciting to her the words of the book he had read so many times.

“I love you for you, Sakura.”

The echo of her name overlaid on Ayame’s made her breath catch in her throat. He wasn’t just reciting.

“I don’t care who you were, who you are, or who you’re going to be. I’m sorry if I was distant, I just… can’t stand the thought of losing you to another man.”

He kissed her shoulder twice before continuing Takeshi’s reply.

“Every time I come home to you, with every smile you give me, every kiss you leave on my skin, I am reminded that all of you could be taken from me in a moment, and I’m afraid of losing it.”

Kakashi’s recital did not include any of the descriptive narrative that Jiraiya had written, but he had the dialogue memorized verbatim. Even so, even if the words were not his own, the exchange of her name for Ayame’s send every uttered syllable straight into her chest. They were gentle, full of meaning, full of his true heart, and Sakura knew it.

Sakura peered down at the paper, but she wasn’t seeing the words—only hearing them. It was as though the story was manifesting itself into her reality. Kakashi’s voice rumbled against hers, intermingling with the tingle of her own body, causing a confusion of both yearning and fulfillment.

Kakashi’s hand slid out from underneath her and rose to thumb her chin before pulling it in his direction. His forehead made contact with hers and she felt that he would kiss her, causing her eyes to flutter shut in anticipation.

Instead, she could feel every movement of his lips upon hers as he spoke the remainder of Takeshi’s reply.

“But even if I can’t be here beside you, Sakura, I want you to know that you are the only woman I’ve ever loved, and you are the only woman that I will ever love like this.”

And then he kissed her gently. Sakura’s fingers let go of the book and her hand moved to cradle his cheek. She was surrounded by him physically and emotionally, so connected, so in love… because this was the first time that Kakashi had confessed his love to her, even if his actions had shown it for so long.

When Kakashi broke away from the kiss, he smiled lightly and whispered, “I’m sorry for being so distant. I really did miss you.”

Sakura couldn’t help but smile, yet despite her happiness, questions arose within her. He seemed to anticipate her curiosity because before she could ask them Kakashi was asking her to read again.

“This really is one of my favorite scenes in  _ Paradigm.  _ Keep reading for me.”

“But Kaka—”

“Please?”

He was pouting beside her, once again, his lips were making contact with her shoulder as his body rolled off of her and landed on her side, his arm slung over her back and a leg draped over her thigh.

Sakura looked at him curiously but Kakashi only offered a gentle smile in return. They looked at each other for some time before Sakura turned back to the book, found the page she had let go of, and continued reading.

_ “‘Do you mean that?’ Ayame asked hopefully, her eyes filling to the brim with tears of affection. _

_ ‘More than anything in the world,’ he said. His voice had the confidence of truth and honesty. _

_ Ayame’s smile spread across her flushed skin and she threw arms over his shoulder to close the distance. _

_ ‘I won’t allow it,’ she concluded, regarding her lover sweetly. _

_ ‘Princess?’ _

_ ‘I won’t allow another man to have me.’ _

_ ‘But the Royal Treaty—‘ _

_ ‘There are other ways to create partnerships,’ she interrupted, refusing to allow him to complete his political reasoning. ‘I will no longer allow my heart to be the means of this exchange.’ _

_ Takeshi was quiet with doubt. As brave as she sounded, as absolutely resolved as the Princess thought she was, he knew that she did not truly understand the court of politics and war. _

_ ‘I will tell my father,’ she concluded with a smile, drawing herself nearer. ‘I will tell him that I am in love with my protector and that I will allow no other man to love me like you have loved me.’ _

_ She kissed him. _

_ 'I will tell my father that the only lord I will take as my husband is you, Sugimoto Takeshi.’ _

_ ‘But—’ he began to protest. As much as he wanted this, he was not certain she could get his lord to agree. _

_ ‘If I cannot give myself to you, no man shall have me. I tell you this with all of my honor.’ _

_ Takeshi could not help his traveling hands. With her resolution to claim him came the inability to to stop his fingers from traveling into the opening of her kimono, from seeking the soft skin of her bare hip.” _

Sakura felt the heavy hand rested upon her back slide down and over her bottom, she felt his fingers playing once again at the hem of his shirt and her panties.

_ “Takeshi’s greedy hands, the hands that wanted to have her as his wife, took her skin hungrily into his palm.” _

She gasped at the sudden grip of his strong hands groping onto her rear.

She stopped.

“Keep reading, Sakura,” he instructed, his voice husky and thick as his distracting hands continued their torturous motion.

Sakura’s body shuddered from the reverberation of his deep voice, causing an ever-familiar sensation of heat pooling in her abdomen.

_ “Ayame sighed in his hands. She was melting under his touch. Takeshi’s hands glided over her waist, reaching higher and higher until he was cupping and massaging her breasts beneath the fabric.” _

Sakura was beginning to catch onto Kakashi’s game. He was mimicking Takeshi’s movements and she knew it the moment the hand playing at her bottom slid under her stomach and slithered up her skin. The moment his hand made contact with her chest, he began to massage her in wide circles.

“Ohhhh,” Sakura moaned, arching her back to give him more access to her body. Her eyes shut as he kneaded her, her breath hitching, body jerking with every roll of her nipple.

“Keep reading,” was all Kakashi said.

Sakura was finding it hard to focus, but she was thoroughly enjoying Kakashi’s initiative. Sakura opened her eyes and squinted her eyes at the page, attempting to reel in her moans as Kakashi touched her.

_ “Takeshi’s free hand spread her kimono open, loosening the band around her waist until it dropped to the floor. His fingers crawled past her navel, past the tuft of hair, and into her folds. As his fingers pressed into her, Ayame’s body began trembling and she leaned against him for support.” _

Kakashi pulled his hands away from Sakura’s body and pushed himself off of the mattress. The leg that had been resting over her thigh moved to the other side of her so that he could maneuver behind her once again. This time, however, he did not press himself against her back. She felt him hovering around her legs as his palms laid flat against her shoulder blades before running it down her spine. His hands lingered on her bottoms, kneading in a circular motion before curling his fingers around her hips.

Sakura could no longer contain the excitement welling up in her chest. Her breathing escaped her lips in heavy pants, her eyebrows furled in an anticipation, her knees knocked together as if she were attempting to hold her desire within her.

As she squirmed between his legs, Kakashi’s fingers tugged her waist up and forced Sakura back onto all fours. Her back arched as her elbows dragged above her, holding her head up just enough to see the contents of the book.

“Oh...!” she mewled excitedly as Kakashi pulled her rear flush against his growing erection. Sakura began to display her eagerness as she used the her arms to press herself onto his hips, rolling her bottom to rub against him. 

“Please, Kakashi…”

But Kakashi would not relent. As always, he loved drawing things out, loved making her wait for him, loved making her seep between her legs with yearning.

“Keep reading Sakura…” he urged quietly.

His hands were glued to her hips in her silence. He refused to move. He refused to touch her the way she wanted to unless she yielded to his soft commands. Yet despite his control over the situation, there was something sensual about it. He was gentle. His orders were not demands, they were sweet requests. 

There was something absolutely different about his approach this time. Although there was nothing unpleasant about this encounter, Sakura could sense that he was not the sexual god tonight, not the man who had absolute control over her desire and his own.

Sakura, however, was impatient. She looked down at the book, desperate for his touch, for his exploration of her body, and quickly skimmed the passage, looking for the fastest way to her destination.

_ “Takeshi spread Ayame’s thighs apart as she waited for him to enter her,”  _ Sakura breathed, skipping a few sections, and as she began to read, one of the hands that rested on her hip moved to her front. In an instant, he was spreading her juices and rolling two fingers over her clit.

She had to stop reading as a soft scream escape from her parted lips, but Kakashi could not be fooled.

“Sakura-chan… I think you skipped an entire passage. I think you forgot to read the part where he actually moves her to the bed.” 

_ Of course, _ she thought. Kakashi had the entire response memorized. How could she have hoped to fool him, even in the haze of his arousal?

But his voice was as smooth as butter, as deep and as rich as chocolate, and she wanted nothing more than for him to give in to her hunger.

“I don’t want to wait anymore… I’ve been waiting a week,” Sakura moaned. Her labored breathing almost took on the form of whimpering as she wiggled her hips in front of him.

Kakashi leaned over her back once more, his free hand propping himself up as his other hand continued their sweet assault on her nerves. He kissed her shoulder as he said it again.

“Read… or I’ll stop.”

_ “‘Please,’ Ayame cooed. ‘Take me, Takeshi. I give myself to you and only you.’ _

_ Takeshi reached down to pull the elastic band of his pants over his hardened member.” _

Kakashi’s hands slid out of Sakura’s panties and wedged themselves between her rear and his hips. She felt his hands curling over his own pants, creating a moment of separation between their hips as he pulled his own pants and left it stretched over his thighs.

Sakura’s mouth went dry when she felt his warm cock make contact with her underwear, pressing right between her lips, smearing the salivation of her entrance into her dampened panties.

But if she wanted him to continue, she knew what she had to do.

“ _ Takeshi’s fingers swiped the wetness of her sex and smeared it into his palm. He took in the sight of her body spread open in front of him, awaiting him desperately, offering and readying itself for his arrival. He slipped his coated hand away from her body and used her wetness to slide his palm around his throbbing member.” _

Suddenly, Kakashi’s hand pushed his shirt all the way up her back, exposing her clothed bottom to him before curling his fingers over the top of her panties. He pulled the top down and over her cheeks, allowing them to fall around her knees.

Sakura felt her body catch fire in anticipation, but she forced herself to continue.

_ “Her arousal was the perfect coating for him, and the thought that it was her wetness that allowed him to touch himself was even more fuel for his desire.” _

She felt Kakashi’s fingers slipping into her folds, teasing her entrance before running his entire palm over her core. A ragged breath escaped her throat as his fingers slid roughly past her clit and left her body.

His fingers were like lit matches and her body was the kindling.

Sakura’s face was feverish, her body ablaze. She knew what his hands were going to do with her juices, and she so desperately wanted to look behind her. It seemed to her that she was enjoying the mental image that Takeshi was painting for her just as much, if not more than Kakashi was.

She wanted him so badly. Her eyes began to well in a fit of passion, she could hardly control her breathing and her mewling voice from wavering as she read.

“Read.”

She didn’t have to be asked twice.

_ “Takeshi’s enclosed palm moved up and down, up and down, up and down as he licked his lips and readied himself to claim what Ayame so willingly offered him.” _

As Sakura read, her voice took on the sultry register of someone who could hardly contain herself. She heard the wet sounds of Kakashi’s hands jerking around himself. The sound of his actions made her greedy, made her mouth water with an appetite that only he could satiate.

“Oh god…” she whined as she exhaled heavily. She felt the juices dripping down her inner thigh in anticipation for him. “Please Kakashi…”

Suddenly, she felt his hand tighten on her hip as he brought himself closer. The head of his cock made contact with her core, and Sakura felt that she might explode from yearning.

But instead of pressing himself into her, Sakura felt the messy tugging of his cock against her slit, she felt the vibration of his jerks as the side of his enclosed palm made contact with her ass and then the base of his groin. And she didn’t just  _ feel _ it, she  _ heard _ every swishing sound of her juices between his member and his hand, heard his breath pick up as he restrained himself from taking her the way they both wanted.

_ “ _ Please,” she begged, beginning to push herself backwards.

“Read,” he groaned through gritted teeth, holding her hip forward and away from him. He continued to jerk himself off at her opening as he waited for her to read.

“ _ Takeshi brought himself closer to her body but stopped right at the folds of her entrance. _

_ ‘Ayame,’ he murmured from behind her. ‘My heart belongs to you.’ _

_ He paused, waiting for the acknowledgement of his bride-to-be, even if she was only betrothed to him in this moment, even if it might be a fantasy, he wanted to believe that she was his. _

_ ‘Show me,’ she cried before him, her voice strained with desire. ‘Let your future wife feel just how much she means to you.’ _

_ And with that request, Takeshi could do nothing but comply. He shoved himself deep int—” _

In an instant, Kakashi had stopped jerking and had slapped his wet hand onto her hip, and pulled her body onto him, impaling her with his cock until it was sheathed all the way to the hilt. He reached over her shoulder with his clean hand and snapped the book shut before chucking it off of the bed.

Sakura couldn’t help but cry in pleasure. Her mouth dropped open and she could feel her saliva stretching between her lips. She was hungry for him, hungry to feel him, to taste him. Her head began to rock into his neck with each one of his thrusts, her hips meeting his with every motion.

“Kakashi…” she moaned, closing her eyes as she reveled in the feeling of being filled.

He said nothing; he merely groaned behind her. Each exhale was strained through his teeth and she knew his eyes were closed, his features contorting in pleasure.

Kakashi moved his hand over and reached for her clit. He began rubbing her harshly, but there was something sloppy about this movements.

Sakura was attentive. Although he  _ felt _ amazing, and although she had wanted this desperately, she could sense that there was something even more desperate in him.

Tonight, Kakashi needed something. There was something bothering him, something that had happened while he was away. And as much as Sakura needed her release, she was all too willing to cater to the man she loved, to put his troubles at ease.

“Kakashi,” she called out, pushing herself up so that she was holding herself up on her knees.

Behind her, Kakashi took this opportunity to thrust harder, to slide his hands into the shirt that she was wearing, to knead her breasts in both hands as his movements lost more and more of his control.

She loved the feeling of his hands on her. There was something about his loss of control that drove her mad, that made her feel as though he was absolutely enchanted with her and her body. 

Sakura slid her hands up his forearms as if they were a path and placed her palms right above his. She grasped his hands, causing him to knead harder. His mouth made contact with her neck and he bit down harshly, causing her to shudder into him.

“S-stop…” she requested, and Kakashi slowed his movements to a tantalizing pace.

“Why?” he asked curiously, his voice heavy with passion.

But Sakura took the moment to crawl away from him, separating their bodies entirely before turning to place a hand on his chest, her fingers pitching and fiddling with the cloth of his shirt that she hadn’t taken the time to remove. Sakura leaned her head forward to take his lips into hers for a moment before pushing him back onto to bed.

“Lay down,” she ordered softly. 

For once, Kakashi did not resist her request and he slowly leaned into the mattress until his back rested against it.

He watched her curiously as Sakura’s hands moved to remove her underwear. Then she briefly hovered over him, kissing his chin before crawling lower and lower. Sakura’s fingers hooked over the band of his pants resting on his thighs, moving her body down and she slid his pants off of his legs. 

As she removed them, Sakura took the head of his erection into her mouth. Expertly, and without missing a beat, she began to suck on the head, swirling her tongue over the tip until his pants was completely off of his body.

She listened to him mutter profanities under his breath as she flicked her tongue.

When they had been thrown off of the bed, Sakura let his member slip out of her mouth with a pop.  She gave it a final tentative lick before climbing on top of him and meeting his eyes.

Sakura and Kakashi stared at each other through the fog of their desire. She licked and bit her lip as she tilted her chin back, and Kakashi’s eyes darkened as he watched her hovering right above his cock.

Without looking away, Sakura’s hand reached underneath her and her fingers wrapped around the base of him, guiding him right back into the entrance of her body.

“Kakashi,” she whispered, licking her lips one more time as she shifted her weight onto the hand resting on his chest. “Focus on me…”

And then she lowered herself onto him, taking him in all the way, watching his eyes roll to the back of his head.

Sakura began to rock above him. She watched his erratic breathing as his chest heaved through his groaning.

She wanted him to feel good, and she could hear the pleasure in his throat.

Soon, his hands made their way back onto her hips, guiding her movements with his strength. With every thrust, he filled her deeply, he began to hit the sensitive place inside her, and her clit began to make contact with his pelvis.

“You feel so good, Kakashi,” she moaned into the air, watching him with hooded eyes, wanting him to lose control.

Kakashi began to thrust harshly beneath her as his groaning grew louder. The heat of their movements were creating a film of sweat, enveloping her body in slick passion.

Sakura straightened her posture and allowed Kakashi’s hands to hold her steady as he buried himself into her. She reached for the hem of his shirt and began to lift it off of her body, but Kakashi caught both of her wrists, his eyes trained on her with determination.

“Leave it on,” he ground out, all of his movements ceasing.

Sakura’s lips curled into a smirk as she resumed her riding movements.

“Have you been wearing my shirts all week?” he asked through his grunts.

“All… week…” she murmured, picking up speed as her hands dropped back onto his chest, her hands balling into a fit and pulling onto his shirt as if it were a saddle.

“God, Sakura,” he rasped as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He leaned himself into his arm behind him and wrapped the other around her waist, pulling her forward. 

Kakashi was suddenly bucking almost violently beneath her. She aided him through her bouncing, sliding herself further onto him, allowing him to reach deep inside her with every jerk of his hips. Kakashi buried his forehead into her neck and left messy kisses on her collarbone.

“Yes...” she whispered into his ear.

Yet almost as quickly as he began thrusting, his body stilled beneath her and he groaned loudly as he begged her to stop.

“Sakura—wait!” he grunted with restraint. “Stop… I’m going to—cum!”

“Come for me,” she breathed, kissing his temple as she increased the speed of her movements. Kakashi needed this and she knew it. She could worry about herself later. “I want you to come, Kakashi…”

“Ohh… but I—fuckkkk…”

“Shhh…” she hushed him, pushing him onto his back once more as she swirled her hips above him and crashed down onto him with determination.

“Come in me, Kakashi…”

His hands gripped tightly onto her hips as he threw his head back. She watched him bare his teeth and his breathing seeped through every crevice.

“Oh…. my goddd….. uggnnhhh…”

Sakura felt him twitching within her. She felt every warm spurt of his climax filling her and seeping down her legs. As Sakura slowed her pace, she watched Kakashi’s breathing even out as he came down from his orgasm until she eventually ceased her movements altogether.

Without sliding off of him, Sakura leaned forward onto his chest, nuzzling into his neck and kissing his jawline with a smile.

“What about you?” he whispered, still breathing heavily as his arm moved to circle around her shoulders.

“Do you love me?” she asked, wanting to hear it one more time, implying that was all she needed.

Kakashi turned his head to look down at her with a smile. He kissed her forehead once before responding. “Do you even have to ask?”

Sakura reached up and stroked his cheek in peaceful bliss, tracing a finger down his scar, over his lip, over his beauty mark, and over his jawline.

“I want to hear it again.”

“Then I love you,” he said, kissing her forehead one more time. “More than anything in the world.”

Emotionally sated, Sakura sighed into his neck and held him tightly. Both of them were sweating, but both of them remained clothed from the waist up. Their shirts served as a comfortable barrier between them, making their arms and legs the only place where their sweaty limbs would meet.

She felt his chest rise and fall under her arm, and she felt his softening member slowly slipping out of her as his juice seeped onto his legs, but he didn’t seem to mind. Instead, the only thing that seemed to matter was this moment. She wished that she could freeze time, wished that they could hold onto this memory with her head forever on his chest.

She wished that she never had to leave this bed.

But as much as her heart wanted to stay in one place, her heart could not stop her mind from muttering the words she had been dying to say all night.

“Then… what’s wrong?”

* * *

 

Kakashi sighed into her hair as he held Sakura in his arms.

The real question was what  _ wasn’t  _ wrong?

He’d been thinking about what Sasuke had said ever since. Their travels from that point on had been silent, the awkwardness never leaving. The only real companion that kept him company throughout the entire mission was his own guilt.

Sasuke had taken a few more jabs of ownership while explaining the situation to Orochimaru, but even without that, Kakashi thought that he had long conceded since then.

As they walked in silence, he had been trying to ask himself,  _ why am I really doing this? _

The thought of Rin had never once crossed his mind during his unintended pursuit for Sakura. Until Sasuke’s warning, he considered Sakura as her own person in his heart, as an entirely separate entity.

Yet since Sasuke’s confrontation, he’d been trying to reconcile that concept with reality.

_ Why am I really doing this? _

Their long travels had allowed Kakashi ample time to muse over the question. Thinking back to his vow, the one in which he promised himself  _ and _ Sakura that he’d never leave her alone again when her cries for help were so obvious… he knew that he was atoning for something.

Perhaps atoning for his failure as a sensei, for leaving Sakura to her own devices when she had been his student… but did it truly have anything to do with Rin?

And if it didn’t, then why did the question shake him to the core?

Why did it feel like the earth trembled and split beneath his feet?

Yet throughout the trip, he had forced himself to reject the idea.

_ No _ … he told himself.  _ I love Sakura for Sakura _ .

Rin was a girl. Yes, he loved Rin dearly, but he was in love with Sakura. He’d come to know Sakura far beyond the ways in which he had ever dreamed of knowing and loving Rin.

_ Sakura isn’t Rin at all _ , he had concluded during his return trip to Takumi.

But when he saw Sakura’s excited smile, when she ran to take him into her arms, when she kissed him, Kakashi couldn’t stop hearing Sasuke’s voice.

It was as though Sasuke had taken permanent residency in his conscience, and Kakashi desperately wanted to get rid of him…

And even now, after spending his energy in a row of passion and love-making, even though he had spilled his heart to her, Kakashi couldn’t rid himself of his nagging Sasuke.

“Sakura,” he breathed, thumbing her hair as he pressed his cheek onto her head. “I think that Sasuke knows…”

He knew she had been waiting for him to say something, and he knew he couldn’t lie his way out of this—not when he’d made such a dramatic return. So when he spoke those words, he expected Sakura to stiffen in his arms. He expected her to stop breathing in fear. Instead, there was no physical reaction to the admission. He wondered, however, just what she was thinking beneath that calm facade of hers.

“What are you going to do?” he asked her gently, in hopes that she would reveal whatever it was she was mulling over in her mind.

“I’m going to talk to Sasuke…” she whispered quietly. Sakura’s arm pulled Kakashi closer and she turned her head to leave kisses on his chest through his shirt. Her fingers thrummed against his collarbone as if to calm him.

Kakashi couldn’t help the wrinkle in his brow at her words. Her answer was vague, offered no indication of her commitment to him nor Sasuke, but he felt her hand reach for his cheek, her thumb caressing him softly as they held each other in the silence.

Yet even though his conscience was nagging at him, even though he could not expel Sasuke’s irrational words from his mind, Kakashi wondered about the futility of his worrying.

What could he do now? What was the point in holding back? They’d gone too far into their sins to back out now.

Kakashi gently wiggled out from her grasp, creating just a bit of separation between them as her arms slid off of his chest and landed on the mattress. He rolled over to his side and faced her.

Her green eyes studied him with peaceful contentedness, her mouth curled into a sweet smile as her pink strands were plastered onto her cheeks with sweat. The cloth over her skin bundled so clumsily against her body, scrunching up at the joints to allow her to move within the shirt she was swimming in. Even in the clammy mess of their love, Sakura was radiant, so beautiful in the afterglow… and knowing that she waited for his return in his shirts added to her adorable appeal.

She was Sakura to him after all, and  _ only _ Sakura.

Kakashi reached for her cheek with his hand and swiped her sticky hair away, moving it behind her ear. His hand slid down from her cheek and rested on her shoulder, then he pushed her onto her back and scooted nearer so that he could hover above her.

Kakashi smiled before kissing her lips. Their mouths moved together in perfect tempo, her tongue massaging his as if it belonged to her. 

And it did. Kakashi had to be sure of it, show her that he belonged to her, but he needed to know with the same amount of fervor that she belonged to him too.

His hands started again on her hip, massaging her in wide circles before hooking the hem of his shirt on his thumb to lift it up. As much as he loved the sight of her wearing his clothes,  _ this _ time, the shirt was a hindrance. He lifted it all the way up, bunching it just above her breasts, baring her chest to the cold air. His grasp slid all the way up to massage her breasts once more and roll the hardened nipple in his fingers, causing her to recite a small “ohh…” in his mouth as he kissed her.

Moving down from her mouth to her jaw, Kakashi began to kiss every inch of her neck and shoulder. He felt her body squirming beneath him as his tongue lapped over her skin. His lips trailed over her collarbone, tickled the soft places between her breasts, flicked the circumference of her nipples, then slithers down the soft curves beneath her breasts, right above her ribcage.

He heard Sakura moaning above him, and his mouth picked up the pace. 

In this moment, as he listened to her cries of pleasure, Kakashi decided to kiss her  _ everywhere _ , as if to worship her, as if to map every inch of her surface, committing it to memory, claiming it as if it were  _ his _ world and nobody else’s.

And as he completed his journey, he left one area as his final conquest.

Kakashi’s hands traveled up her outer thighs, drawing his mouth toward her soft inner thigh and taking the skin into his mouth.

“Kakashi…” she whispered above him. Her hands made its way into the depths of his hair as she kneaded him like a cat.

His fingers tickled their way into her drenched folds, pressing into the mess he had left behind, sliding themselves into her entrance. The heat that surrounded his fingers was enticing.

“Ohhh…” she moaned loudly, arching her back as his fingers moved in and out of her.

_ Sakura is Sakura _ , he repeated to himself as he pulled his mouth closer to her. He used his free arm and his shoulder to push between her legs and spread her wide open for him. And as he took this final part of her body, he couldn’t help but lay claim to her in his mind.

_ Sakura is Sakura and she’s mine _ .

He hovered just above her sex, watching his fingers push into her and listening to her breathing. His fingers curled inside of her as he thrusted his arm, causing her to squirm beneath him and cry in pleasure.

“One more time, Sakura-chan,” he requested of her, smiling as she cried above him. “I want to feel you fall apart in my hands…”

Kakashi lowered his head to lick her clit before sucking on the mound. Sakura gasped sharply and then jerked his head up through his hair. She quickly let go of his hair and replaced the shirt down over her stomach, pulling it down as if to cover the spot she was trying to prevent him from accessing.

“N-no!” she wailed with embarrassment, moving her head up to peer down at him with alerted eyes. “What are you doing? It’s dirty down there!” While his head was up, Sakura’s thighs began to close around him, physically stopping him from proceeding.

Kakashi couldn’t help but laugh at her concern. Sure, he knew that his seed still coated her, but he didn’t care. He was hers and she was his, and she had given him  _ his _ . It was her turn now… and a little bit of bitterness wouldn’t stop him from giving it to her.

In his eyes, Sakura was just so precious. As he drew his fingers in and out of her, he used his free arm and his shoulders to spread her legs for him again. Despite her outward hesitation, her body relented to him, her breathing heavy and labored as he blew hot air onto her nub. Kakashi lowered his head, never breaking eye contact with her as he smirked.

He gave her another tentative lick before issuing his final decree, listening for the sounds of her approval as she mewled under his tongue.

“Then let’s make more of a mess, Sakura-chan…”

“Yesssss…”


	40. Salted Wounds

“See you tomorrow, Fujiko-san!” Sakura yelled out as she parted the flaps of the doorway curtains.

“Good work today, Haruna-san! See you tomorrow!”

As Sakura walked out into the cold street, she rubbed her gloved hands together and thought about her next move.

It was now Friday. Since Kakashi had returned home, neither of them had attended their latest class session. Kakashi figured it was time to drop his poetry course and had quickly returned to work with Zenhichi after a week of absence. Sakura wasn’t planning to drop her course, per se, but given the events of the last session, she needed some space. She wasn’t ready to face sensei after her emotional request, and she wasn’t interested in Yuuto’s possible line of questioning. 

When Kakashi had returned home two days ago, Sakura had informed him of Itsuki’s blow up and had convinced him to keep the ninken on light observation, but she had specifically withheld the information about Masuyo’s invitation and Imada’s note. Sakura had been unsure about revealing it, but once Kakashi informed her of the findings from Orochimaru’s den, she figured that it’d be best not to tell him.

Masuyo—or Shi, rather—had too many unknown elements about him, too many things that made him dangerous, which meant her team might go out of their way to stop her from acting if she showed any interest. Again. And she couldn’t have that. 

Once Sakura began pondering over her predicament to act in secret, she realized that her feet were making the decision for her. Taking in her surroundings, she found herself heading in the direction of the administration building—more specifically near the cafe—and once that realization had completely registered in her mind, she had no strength to combat it. If she was going to do something drastic, now would be the time: Kakashi was working, and both Sai and Sasuke had returned to Konoha for their reports.

_ Fine _ , she thought to herself, knowing what her body wanted her to do. 

It was time to make some moves. Real moves—moves like the ones she promised she’d make for Imada-sensei—instead of waiting for things to happen like they had been.

“Katsuyu-sama,” Sakura said quietly. She felt Katsuyu wiggle on her skin at the back of her neck. “I’m planning to see Masuyo in his office. By myself. Without telling Kakashi.”

“Sakura-sama,” Katsuyu voice had a hint of concern in it, likely in an attempt to stop her. “The last time I tried to enter his office, I was dissolved by the chakra barrier.”

“I know,” Sakura admitted. “So we need to figure something out beforehand.”

Once Sakura reached the cafe near campus, she took a seat on one of the outside tables and waited for a waiter to come outside and take her order.

“I’ve been thinking,” Sakura said quietly to herself as she settled in. “Is there a way for us to physically merge our chakra networks? I know that we are linked through the summoning link, but I host you. I want you to be directly connected to me.”

“Theoretically, it should be possible,” Katsuyu replied. “I’ve never tried it with Tsunade-sama, though, so doing so would be entirely experimental.”

Just then, the jingle of the cafe door sounded and a waiter came out with a friendly smile.

“Hello, miss. We have tables inside. Would you prefer to move indoors?”

“Ah, no thank you,” Sakura replied dismissively. “I’m happy here as long as I have some hot green tea to warm me up.”

“I’ll get that right away for you miss,” said the waiter, quickly retreating into the cafe.

When the waiter was gone, Katsuyu asked, “Sakura-sama, may I ask why you are interested in a direct connection?”

Sakura’s tone became serious and much more grave as she responded, her fingers fiddling on her lap. “The first reason is that merging with my chakra network will get you past the barrier of the office once he lets me in. Second, I think we may open telepathic communication if you’re connected to me. As we go deeper into enemy territory, the more vital this becomes. The final reason is a countermeasure, another layer of protection in the event that Masuyo is able to put me under genjutsu.”

“Genjutsu? Sakura-sama, you’re resistant to genjutsu.”

“Resistant but not immune. Kakashi came back from his informational mission with more questions than answers. We don’t know to what extent Masuyo’s powers go. All we know is that his specialty was a whistling genjutsu and that he’s been able to master it beyond the original experimental goals.”

Katsuyu wiggled slowly against Sakura’s neck as the waiter came out and dropped a tea kettle and cup onto Sakura’s table.

“Thank you,” Sakura smiled as she took the cup and poured tea into it.

“Listen, Katsuyu-sama,” she said as she lifted the cup to her lips. “This is a secret, okay? Don’t tell the others, especially not Kakashi.”

Katsuyu was typically not one to go against Sakura’s wishes, and so if Katsuyu had any concerns beyond penetrating the chakra barrier, she did not share them. As Sakura sipped her piping tea, warming her insides from the cold, she considered the closest point of entry to her chakra network. She reflected upon the chakra maps she had so often studied, on the proximity to the nervous system and any vital veins or arteries that could be near chakra points.

The best option, Sakura thought, would be for Katsuyu to connect directly to her yin points surrounding her byakugou seal, but in the context of the mission, it was impossible. Katsuyu could not be in an obvious area and Sakura continued to hide the seal with her makeup. 

As such, she realized that the next best option was to find the closest chakra point to the surface of the skin. As she mulled through the possibilities, Sakura understood that this process would not be without pain; in fact, she knew that an incision would have to be made, but she would have to control the depth of the incision and place it in the right location.

Within moments, Sakura had thought of a few locations that were contenders: the feet, the hands, and somewhere on the head. The hands and feet, however, would encounter too much friction, making it potentially hard to maintain a physical connection if the embedded Katsuyu was rubbed against. The head was left then, and Sakura realized that there was one place besides the forehead in which the chakra points were closest to the epidermis. The problem, now, however, was that the skin layer was only approximately half a millimeter. If she wanted Katsuyu to wedge properly without protruding  _ too _ much, she needed to go 6 millimeters… and that meant going beyond the platysma and fatty tissue, then partially into the muscle tissue.

“The ear,” Sakura concluded audibly, reopening the conversation between her and Katsuyu. “The closest non-visible outer-chakra points are just beneath the ear. I would only need to go six millimeters deep. We’ll find the chakra points there, but they will be very close to any nerves embedded onto the platysma or the auricular nerves and veins themselves. We’ll have to be careful.”

Sakura paused for a moment to pick up her cup once more. She thought about the pain she would be inflicting on her body, and then how it would cause a delay in her plans. There was no way she’d make it into Masuyo’s office today.

“Will you be using chakra to make the incision and close it? How will you manage the pain?” Katsuyu asked as she slithered up to the space in question.

Sakura smirked as she took a sip from her tea cup and gave a tiny scoff, “It won’t be that bad. I’ve been through far worse pain than a shallow incision. You wedging yourself into the cut will hurt more than the cut itself. The key is to be quick and for you to try to mitigate or numb the pain for me as fast as possible. I’ll grit my teeth through the rest, and once you’re attached, I’ll skin-stitch over you.”

“It’ll be a little bloody, Sakura-sama.”

“Well, I’m wearing black,” she joked darkly. Kakashi’s humor was rubbing off on her.

Sakura got up from her chair and made her way into the cafe. She nodded once at the waitress who served her tea, threw down some change onto the counter, and made her way into the restroom.

“Sakura-sama, do you intend to do the procedure here?”

“Yeah,” she replied, immediately heading to the sink in order to look into the mirror. 

“Why don’t we do this back in the apartment? Surely it would be cleaner.”

“Because Kakashi would smell the blood even if I cleaned up afterwards. I’m going to do it here and immediately go home to shower. Besides, I’ve been injured or done procedures in much filthier areas—I’m not dead yet. Do me a favor. Can you mix a little bit of your acid with your secretions? I think we can use it to sterilize the sink area.”

“Yes, Sakura-sama,” she replied as Sakura plucked Katsuyu off of her skin and onto the sink. Katsuyu’s body swelled into a larger version of herself. Her body oozed a lighter green film and Sakura watched her as she trailed slime all around the sink and the faucet handle.

As Katsuyu worked, Sakura turned away and removed her clothes. She figured that the scent of blood would linger on her skin, but it would be even worse if it stained the clothing. Hanging her sweater onto the hook, Sakura resolved to throw her clothes away, just in case, and then turned away to pull an ample amount of toilet paper off of the roll.

“Ready, Sakura-sama.”

Naked and equipped with toilet paper, Sakura wrapped the base of her neck with the material. The intention was to absorb any trickling blood as it could with the sink as her back-up. She leaned over the sink and picked up Katsuyu, placing her on the palm of her hands.

“Can you sterilize my hands? I think you’d be cleaner than public bathroom soap dispensers…”

Without responding, Katsuyu secreted more of her acid, coating Sakura’s hands with a thin film of transparent green, causing a numbing tingle of a thousand tiny needles. When she was done, Sakura placed Katsuyu back onto her neck.

“Propagate the smallest size of yourself that you can manage effectively. I need you to be powerful enough to save me if I really need you to.”

Katsuyu formed a smaller version of herself above her forehead. She was approximately 25 millimeters in length and perhaps a little less than six millimeters wide. 

“Can’t be any smaller?” Sakura asked, eyeing her through the mirror.

“This is the smallest I can go with a small reserve of my own autonomous chakra. Any smaller, and I can only rely on your chakra network… even then, I don’t have much of my own. Just enough perhaps to keep your body alive for a short amount of time.”

Sakura sighed and nodded. She pulled off her ponytail and combed her hair to the top of her head, tying it into a messy bun to ensure her hair was out of her way and then looked at her reflection.

“Sterilize the area of skin just below my ear. Make sure that the percentage of acid used isn’t too strong for human skin.”

And with that, Katsuyu went to work. She swirled in every direction around her neck, glazing her with secretions, and then moved to the side to get out of Sakura’s way.

“Not too far,” Sakura called out, her neck tingling with a slight burn. “We have to be quick. You need to be close enough to slip in as fast as possible once the incision has been made.”

“It’s going to sting when you make the cut,” she warned, clearly worried about Sakura’s pain tolerance.

“I know. I can handle it.”

Sakura leaned forward and stretched her neck towards the right, eyeing her skin and prodding it with her left hand. She placed her index and middle finger an inch behind her jugular artery and closed her eyes, channeling a small amount of chakra to map out the area of beneath the skin of her neck.

Sakura couldn’t do this for too long. She exhaled, allowing the images to take shape in her mind as the green glow warmed her skin. The map had to be precise in order to avoid severing any nerves or veins, and the incision had to be long enough for Katsuyu to settle into. Sakura was mentally bracing herself. Not only would Katsuyu wedge herself between the nerves located on her hypodermis, but it would hurt tremendously because Katsuyu’s secretions would sting her to no end.

With a final exhale, Sakura clutched onto the sink with her left hand to stabilize herself, and with her two fingers emitted a thin green chakra blade. She held her breath although she had advised her own patients against it for years. Holding breath during pain leads to lightheadedness, and she couldn’t afford that. Yet despite her better judgement, she did just that as her fingers sliced past the two layers of skin, revealing the bloody fatty tissue beneath the dermis that began to ooze blood and collect at the bottom of the incision.

Instantly, Sakura’s neck seared in hot, sharp pain, Katsuyu’s sterilizing acid amplifying the shock of her cut and spreading all the way down her shoulders. She felt the air shoot straight out of her lungs, but Sakura had been through significantly worse.

“Ah—hhhh….” she cried softly, her left eye wincing in pain. The incision wasn’t long enough and so she went over the area a second time, causing the collected tiny pool of warm blood to trickle down her neck and onto the toilet paper. “Tchhhhh….haa” she hissed as she lengthened the cut. 

“Go…!” she instructed through her grit teeth. She began to wince as Sakura dug her fingers into the skin on the other side of the cut and pulled it open, allowing for easier access. Spreading an open wound, however, caused even more localized pain, inciting a deep inhale as she held the cut apart. Katsuyu slithered her way into the opening, settling herself deep into it, blocking some of the spillage. Since her body was covered in even more acidic slime, her entry onto the open wound increased tenfold, causing more electrifying shocks to spread through the area.

It was like salt on an open wound, except this was disinfecting acid—ten times worse than anything salt could inflict.

Inwardly, Sakura cursed at herself for asking Katsuyu to sterilize anything. It would have hurt so much less had she not asked for acidic secretions. Sakura had done entire surgeries in filthy war compounds; surely, she could have gotten by without it… but she knew she was just bitter about the pain. In war, you didn’t have a choice but to be dirty; in less dire situations, you did.

“Ahhh...!” Sakura clutched painfully hard onto the sink, holding herself up as the singing pain caused her knees to buckle. Yet once Katsuyu was settled, once she had made contact with the chakra network, all of the pain was suddenly replaced by a spreading sensation of tingling, like mint and ice, entirely different from the warming healing effects that she often placed on herself or on her patients.

She figured that this was Katsuyu’s doing, and she was working to numb the area in order to neutralize the effects of the acid until it faded entirely.

Panting in relief, Sakura right hand moved up to cup her bloodied neck, channeling her own chakra over the area, knitting a thick protective layer of skin over Katsuyu’s tiny body like a case.

It took her a moment to catch her bearings. She’d be damned if she had to go through that again. 

“Katsuyu-sama,” Sakura breathed out, her eyes remaining closed as she steadied her balance. “Please tell me that… if I dismiss you… you can come back to that location  _ without _ having to do this again.”

Sakura lifted her hand from the healed incision and inspected it through her reflection. Because Katsuyu couldn’t fit entirely into the cut, she was slightly protruding, but it was only enough for it to look like a scar that had begun to keloid during the healing process. She gently ran a finger over the raised skin, thinking about the success of the procedure when something shocking occurred.

_ “All a summons requires is blood and the Kuchiyose no Jutsu release. I can’t be certain but if you nick the area instead of using your thumb, perhaps the summoning grid will materialize on your skin.” _

Katsuyu’s voice was in her head. Sakura wasn’t hearing her, but she was hearing her. Sakura’s began grinning over the success and  was adjusting to the idea of speaking to Katsuyu without actually speaking to her. That had been one of the goals after all.

_ “Then let’s make sure not to dissolve the summons until we’re out of this mission. I can’t risk not being sure,”  _ Sakura thought to herself, wondering if this was how she would communicate with Katsuyu from now on.

_ “Yes, Sakura-sama,”  _ the summons replied.

* * *

 

By the time Kakashi had returned from his shift, Sakura had already showered, disposed of her clothes, and made dinner. Eggplant tempura was left on the table beside a covered bowl of rice for their meal, and while she waited for him, Sakura and Katsuyu had held an entirely silent conversation about how being telepathically connected meant absolutely no secrets.

It turned out that Katsuyu was already aware of Sakura’s adulterous feelings for Kakashi; Katsuyu had sensed it through the surge of estrogen and testosterone present in Kakashi and Sakura’s body, especially while they were in the same vicinity.

It had always been difficult to hide things from a medical-nin, but it was clearly even harder to hide something from a summons.

As they held this internal conversation, however, it occurred to Sakura that Katsuyu would not only be aware of the affair, but she’d be exposed to Kakashi and Sakura’s most intimate moments and private reactions. But of course, Katsuyu had heard that thought. And she’d heard the inward curse words that Sakura thought of right after. She’d heard Sakura pondering over whether or not to stop all intimacy, then conclude how that wouldn’t be possible because Kakashi would become suspicious—or hurt.

_ “Katsuyu-sama,”  _ Sakura thought shamefully. _ “You’re going to know me like you’ve never known another one of your contractors… save both of us the embarrassment and try not to make comments on what you know I wouldn’t prefer to share with you.” _

Of course, with this request being one of those things, Katsuyu had stayed silent.

Sakura hoped that Katsuyu would remain so throughout her interaction with Kakashi—though by thinking it, it was likely that the thought ensured Katsuyu’s silence. Because of this, Sakura ensured to make it a point to apologize for her thoughts later, especially if they always sounded like demands. 

_ “It’s okay. I understand,”  _ Katsuyu interrupted, causing Sakura to chuckle nervously as Kakashi walked through the front door.

“Tadaiii-maa,” Kakashi sung dully, kicking off his boots and hanging his coat by the door.

“Okaeri,” Sakura said happily, forcing herself to forget that there was a third member in the equation tonight. “How was Zenichi? Was he excited to see you?”

“Maa…” Kakashi mumbled. He walked over to Sakura, laced a hand through her hair before gently tugging her forward to leave a kiss on her forehead. “He was concerned that the sickness must’ve been bad to leave me bedridden for a week. He refused to have me work with any of the meat either, which makes sense, so I was cleaning all day. Other than that, though, he was happy to have me back.”

After his sweet greeting, Kakashi went back around the table to take a seat across from her, instantly reaching for the bowl of rice and setting the cover down. “Itadakimaaasu.”

As she reached for her own chopsticks, Sakura couldn’t help but smile as he began to eat. But the moment she had grabbed a piece of tempura and had taken a bite, Kakashi asked her the question she’d been hoping to avoid.

“I smell a little bit of blood in the house. Did you cut yourself while cooking?”

“Yeah, just a little nick,” she dismissed, avoiding eye contact as she ate. She was grateful for the provided alibi.

Kakashi reached out to lightly grab her right hand, inspecting it with sleepy eyes as he chewed on his food.

“Don’t worry,” she assured him. “I already healed it. It wasn’t that deep anyway so it was fast.” 

Kakashi seemed to accept this explanation, then he leaned forward to kiss her finger and it let go. Sakura felt herself blush in knowing that Katsuyu was witnessing and processing all of these events through Sakura’s thoughts. Kakashi raised an eyebrow as he watched her atypical reaction, his lips curling into a tiny smirk and his drowsy expression gone. The look he was giving her caused Sakura to squirm even more.

“Everything okay?” he asked with amusement. 

Sakura felt something click—something akin to those days in which she felt the air change around them, the times in which she knew they were heading towards the line she’d crossed so many times with him.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t it be?” she asked before stuffing her mouth with rice, trying to push these thoughts out of her head for Katsuyu’s sake—or it was to try and maintain her own dignity while someone else was listening?

“Because you’re looking at me—or away from me—like a shy teena—”

Just then came a hard tap on the window. Both Sakura and Kakashi’s heads switched in the direction of the sound to find Sai’s Super Beast Scroll messenger bird perched against the windowsill, balancing over two light scrolls clutched beneath his claws.

Kakashi stood up swiftly, the chair creaking behind him as it was relieved of his weight, and he made his way to the window. Sakura watched him as he unhooked the latch and opened the glass panes. He calmly detached the scrolls from each claw, but once they were off, the bird burst into a light spray of ink on his shirt and hands.

“Ahhh…” Kakashi groaned, shrugging his shoulders as he look at the splatter marks on his hand. “Good thing I’m wearing black.”

Inwardly, Sakura chuckled given that she’d used the same joke earlier. The grin spread across her face automatically. “What is it?” she asked, placing her chopsticks onto the table.

“One is from… Naruto,” Kakashi began, observing each scroll closely. “The other is from Sarada.”

“Oh!” Sakura exclaimed excitedly, jolting out of her chair to run up to Kakashi. Her feet scampered across the wooden floor, leaving heavy thuds as she ran, holding her arms out to clutch onto Kakashi’s sweater and to take the scroll. Once it was in her hand, she rolled it between her fingers and looked up at him with a smile.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve received a letter from her,” she said sweetly. Her hand was kneading onto his back as she looked up at him.

Kakashi returned her smile with affection, tilting his head as he observed Sakura’s excitement. “Well, Sai’s been busy here so… he hasn’t had much time to deliver letters back home.”

“I know,” Sakura said as she detached herself from Kakashi’s body. Instead, she clutched onto his hand and led him to the couch. She climbed on, placing one knee against her chest and leaning the other onto Kakashi’s lap once he sat beside her. He placed both of the scrolls on his lap as they settled in.

The position seemed almost natural; they sat side-by-side, their bodies fitting against each other, even as they rested on the couch. His arm circled around her as he pulled her closer to him, leaving a kiss on her forehead before leaning back.

“Let’s read the mission statement first?” she asked, eyes glittering in anticipation for her daughter’s letter.

“Are you sure you don’t want to read Sarada’s letter first?” he asked with a raised brow.

“No, this is one of those good-news-or-bad situations. I’d rather read the bad news first and let my daughter take me out of it.”

Kakashi chuckled and pressed his nose into her cheek. “Sakura-chan, can’t I do that for you?” As he spoke, his hand slid down her back until he had a handful of her butt and squeezed.

“Eep!” Sakura jerked in his hand, feeling her body grow both warm in a jolt of arousal and embarrassment. Katsuyu was watching which made her cheeks set on fire.

“You know what I mean, Kakashi!” she quipped, slapping her hand against his chest in feigned irritation, causing his body to jerk backwards. Her smile, however, betrayed her, and revealed that she enjoyed it just as much as Kakashi probably knew she would.

“Oh, but it’s so fun to tease you, Sakura-chan, especially because you’ve been blushing more than usual today,” he said lowly, moving towards her once again. This time, however, he buried his nose into her neck and lightly began nipping on her neck. “It reminds me of the beginning, when you were so shy and squirmy.”

His voice dropped a register and sent a shiver of heat down her spine. She already felt arousal pooling in her belly, already felt her breath catching with every one of his bites, just like the first time she heard that resonant voice of his on the couch.

“Seeing you like this makes me…” he growled into her ear. His hot breath made her skin tingle and for a moment she wondered how she never managed to tire of Kakashi’s tactics. It seemed like it would never wear out, as if he knew all of her switches and could flip them on command. 

And then, as always, Kakashi took it one step further and surprised her. He threw the scrolls onto the ground and then grabbed her hand, pressing it onto his lap with a firm tug. Sakura could feel him hardening beneath his pants, his nose digging even further into her neck as he kissed her. His body would do the talking for him.

Sakura couldn’t help but tilt her head back, nor could she prevent her eyes from fluttering closed as her mouth dropped open in pleasure. Kakashi, however, had other ideas for her. The hand that had been resting on her back slid up to grab onto the nape of her neck, pushing her head forward as he moved his head away from her neck to look straight into her eyes. 

As always, there was fire in his gaze, just like the first night. His eyes were hooded and he wore the sexiest of grins as if he were promising with one glance of all the things he wanted to do to her—telling her all the things she was making his body feel. And then, using the hand that held her palm on his lap, he pressed her hand downward, making her rub her flat palm against his fully erect cock. She watched his smirk widen as her own mouth began to salivate. A whimper escaped from her throat and a small moan made its way past her lips when her hands made it to the base of him, his hand leading her to cup her fingers around him.

_ “Oh,”  _ Katsuyu mumbled within her, instantly sending Sakura into shock and embarrassment. Sakura almost yelped in Kakashi’s hands, peeling herself off of him as her eyes went wide.

“L-lets… save this for later, Kakashi!” she blurted out, crawling backwards onto the couch. “We have important things to do, like reading Naruto’s scroll!”

_ “Katsuyu-sama, I’m so sorry!”  _ Sakura whined inwardly, wanting to shut her eyes and disappear from this moment.

_ “No, Sakura-sama, I’m sorry! I wasn’t supposed to say anything I just—I just didn’t know how to react to seeing Kakashi-sama like that—it just came out!” _

Sakura knew that Katsuyu was flustered. She wanted to slap herself against the forehead and hide forever. Katsuyu was a  _ wholesome _ creature who had never been exposed to the reproductive process of human beings, and so Sakura couldn’t help but feel intense mortification in knowing that her summons had essentially heard and understood every single dirty thought that crossed her mind when Kakashi touched her.

Kakashi chuckled and watched Sakura’s retreating frame. He raised his arm and rested it on the back of the couch and leaned against the arm rest with a teasing smile. 

“I don’t know, Sakura-chan. I would say that I have an equally important scroll to deliver to you, and I think you want it.” 

And then that silly smirk morphed into a full blown handsome grin. 

“Bad,” he added slyly, peering down at her shorts, tilting his head back as he waited for her response in complete amusement.

Although her cheeks were burning, Sakura couldn’t help but burst out into playful laughter. She’d never heard Kakashi use such obvious euphemisms before, but then again, he’d never been quite this explicitly playful either. Lately, Kakashi had been gloomy for various reasons, especially those concerning her marriage with Sasuke. But today, he seemed to be unaffected by these things and was simply enjoying her company. It made her heart feel full, as he usually did, and his silliness disarmed her nervousness with affection.

There was no question about it: she wanted him, but she had forgotten entirely about Katsuyu’s presence the moment Kakashi’s teeth made contact with her skin. 

“Of course I want your scroll,” she giggled, covering her mouth with her hand as she laughed and played into his game, lightly kicking his thigh from across the couch. “But we really do have some work to do, don’t we? We’ll finish this later.”

“Alright,” he said with satisfaction. His eyes hovered over her as if she were a treat he was ready to devour—he even began to chew on the side of his lip before clicking his tongue with a sigh, then motioned her to come back to him.

That action alone reignited the fire within her, but she reined it in and cocked her head to the side, silently asking with raised brows and pursed lips if he was safe to approach again.

“Don’t worry, I promise I won’t give my scroll to you until later. We’ll read Naruto’s first.”

Sakura laughed in delight, happy for a change in Kakashi, happy to see him feeling so positive, and so she crawled back over to his side of the couch, and reached for the two scrolls on the floor to settle them back onto Kakashi’s lap.

This time, she slung an arm over his lap and Kakashi naturally wrapped his arm around her shoulder. With his free hand, he reached down and picked up Naruto’s scroll, lifted it to the hand resting on Sakura’s shoulder and broke the seal. As he unraveled it, Sakura peered into the blank scroll, waiting for Kakashi to activate it. She watched Kakashi draw a thumb to his lips, pierce his skin with teeth, and swipe it over the edge of the scroll. Once the scroll registered that the proper recipient had received it, the scroll’s ink spread over the surface, revealing its simple message.

As Kakashi began to read Naruto’s message, Sakura took his thumb in her hand, quickly healing his shallow bite with a glow of green. “Prepare for contact. Strategies in progress. Shut down Operation. Wait for Instruction. Team returning Sunday.” 

Sakura remained silent as she let go of his hand and replaced her arm over his lap. She heard Kakashi sigh from beside her, the two of them quiet, calculating the possible outcomes of this mission, the possibility of contact, of whatever strategies might come into play.

The mood between them shifted almost instantly. There was a new heaviness in the air.

“I guess we’re finally going to take action,” Kakashi mused, his head falling back to rest on the couch.

_ We? _ Sakura thought. She was unable to deny the slight bitterness rising within her, the salty sting of his words promising a complete sense of camaraderie she didn’t know she had with her teammates.

They had kept Sayuri’s death from her until she figured it out, and even then, they’d never confirmed it. They didn’t include her in the decision to send Kakashi and Sasuke to see Orochimaru, and they even tried to send her home before that. The mission could be completed without them, Kakashi had said. But what they really meant was that the mission could be completed without  _ her. _

_ “Sakura-sama…” _ Katsuyu sounded from within her, a tone of sadness and understanding in her voice. 

_ “Now you know why I wanted to keep our connection a secret,” _ she responded, keeping her outward expression straight.

“Sakura…?” Kakashi asked, likely curious about her sudden silence. “This is good, right? You’ve been waiting for us to act. Now we’ll be able to prepare for it.”

“Yeah,” she said, turning her head towards him with a forced smile. 

_ “I have prepared for it… on my own,”  _ she thought to herself.

Kakashi seemed to catch on. The slight wrinkle in his brow gave it away. “What’s wrong?”

In addition to her bitterness, Sakura truly did feel some guilt. She was in love with this man and she was willingly lying to his face. A lack of communication had been the biggest problem in her failed marriage, and despite that, she was now choosing to withhold the truth.

But how could she not? 

She’d come on this mission to get away, to prove to Sasuke, to Sarada, to herself that she was worth something—still the same jonin kunoichi she’d been many years ago. She didn’t come to fall in love. 

For the first time, Sasuke’s mantra broke into her conscience and offered her unwelcomed comfort.

_ Don’t let your emotions get in the way of your mission _ .

And even if her true mission was to gather information, her mission—whether Naruto approved of it or not—was to save these people.  _ That’s  _ why she was gathering information in the first place.

_ The mission comes first _ .

Ironically, as she looked into the grey eyes of her lover, she felt the gravity of Sasuke’s decisions.

The mission  _ did _ come first. That’s why he never came home.

She could have laughed if she didn’t feel so damn bitter about everything. She hated that Sasuke had stayed away for so long.  _ It was for the mission, _ he used to tell her. And although she would smile and pretend that she understood, she never revealed the anger she had over it. 

Now, however, she was using that same justification in order to lie to Kakashi.

Even more, she hated that she could understand Kakashi’s decision to keep things from her too. He didn’t even tell her what had happened between he and Sasuke while he was gone. All she knew was that whatever it was had upset him greatly. But as a shinobi, all those decisions to hide things were made out of consideration for the mission, because he was worried about affecting Sakura. It was true that her affair with Kakashi complicated the mission beyond belief and so she hated that those decisions made sense.

They were all lying, every single person on this team. Even Sai for withholding what he knew. But because they were lying to each other, because they couldn’t work together as they should, each of them had a different vision of success, and Sakura had to ensure that this vision of success included her.

“It’s nothing,” Sakura said, adding to the pile of lies, forcing out another one of her fake smiles. Her hand raised to cup his cheek, thumbing his skin as she spoke. “I’m just… sad about Sayuri is all.”

Kakashi drew her into a hug, resting his chin onto her shoulder.

“We’ll save these people, I promise. We’ll put a stop to it.”

His voice was hopeful, reassuring, comforting—the same as it always had been since they’d reconnected in Konoha. But as he held her, Sakura couldn’t help but think that the world had a funny way of working, of teaching her things, of making her understand what she’d previously been ignoring.

“I know.”

She was a shinobi, Sasuke was a shinobi, Kakashi was a shinobi. No matter how much it hurt, no matter how much the heart cried for something else, the success of the mission always came first.

It was like salt on an ever-fresh wound.

Shinobi were meant to bear through the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1: I know. I'm super immature. I find dick euphemisms to be extremely hilarious. I've been asked to incorporate "moisture-seeking missile" in my story somewhere because of the hilarity over "dick" synonyms... but unfortunately that particular one didn't quite work out. Nope. Scroll euphemism is the best you're going to get. lmao!
> 
> 2: Did I make all of that chakra network/vein/artery shit up? You bet I did. I am in no way, shape, or form familiar with the body in a medical way. I tried my best. And by best I mean I looked up a ton of Google images about chakra networks, anatomy of the neck, and skin layers. Major props to Nyxako and Tipsy Raconteur for double checking my strange procedure craziness and making sure it made sense. Just props to them in general, cuz they are the best.
> 
> 3: Kakashi wasn't meant to be flirty in this chapter. And then he wouldn't behave himself when I was writing him. Not that I'm complaining. Just a fun fact.
> 
> Until next time!! (Which I am incredibly excited to get to! I'm already writing it!)


	41. Fissures in the Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. This chapter contains the confrontation between Sasuke and Sakura that many people been waiting for. It will reveal painful family dynamics. It has intense moments. There are abusive qualities in this chapter. I’m never quite good at explaining these things, but I don’t want people to proceed without knowing what to expect, just in case.

**** When Kakashi finally loosened his embrace, Sakura uncoiled herself from his neck and settled onto the couch once more.

Desperate to change the air between them, she reached for Sarada’s scroll on Kakashi’s lap and unraveled it. It was a welcome sight to see Sarada’s handwriting scribbled across the scroll.

This time, she looked back up at Kakashi with a genuine smile and he returned it, urging her to read the scroll by pressing his nose into her cheek.

She looked away and back at the scroll. Her hands smoothed out the rolled paper, and as she held it open, she began to read aloud.

_ “Dear Mama, _

_ I’m sorry that I didn’t send my letter on stationary this time. I haven’t heard from you in awhile, and so when Sai-ojisan showed up with your letter, he said he’d be leaving soon and that I’d have to reply pretty quickly. I didn’t have time to go out and get new paper. _

_ Is everything okay? If Sai-ojisan isn’t returning home as frequently, then that must mean that things are getting serious out there. I hope you’re safe. But I also noticed that Papa seemed…”  _

Sakura’s voice began to slow and get quieter as she read, but she powered through. She felt Kakashi’s arm tighten around her waist and pull her closer. He leaned his head on the top of hers as a gesture of comfort.

_ “…upset when I saw him. He showed up a few days before Ojisan did and he stopped by for a second. As usual, he didn’t really want to talk though. _

_ Things have been pretty routine around here. I go on missions, I train with Naruto-ojisama, I work at the office, I come home to Hinata-obasan every night. I have to say mama, I hear Boruto-kun and Naruto-ojisama fighting all the time and I think I’m starting to understand it. I used to think he was ungrateful and annoying, but I get it now. All he wants is to spend time with his papa, but the Nanadaime is too busy to spare an hour.  _

_ I know that Naruto-ojisama invites him to train with us sometimes, but now I understand why Boruto-kun won’t come. It isn’t enough and Naruto-ojisama sends a clone. It hurts less not to see him at all than the keep hoping that he’ll make time.” _

With this revelation, Sakura had to stop reading. Her head tipped back. She felt tears collecting on the rim of her eyes, threatening to drop with every second. She inhaled deeply, hoping to calm the turbulence in her chest, reining in the maternal instinct to run home and hold her daughter.

Sakura knew where this letter was heading. Sarada saw herself in Boruto.

Kakashi didn’t move beside her, he simply continued to hold her. And after a moment of calm, once she decided there was nothing she could do to stop the stream of tears, she moved her head back down at the letter. For a moment, she struggled to see through her tears blurring the contents of the message, and so she squeezed her eyes shut to push the tears out of her eyes.

_ “I know what that’s like. But even if Naruto-ojisama can’t come home that much, Hinata-obasan and Himawari-chan are so happy. Boruto-kun loves them so much and he’s so protective. It makes me happy to see. They’re so loving and they make me feel like I’m part of a warm and lively family.” _

Sakura stifled a sob. She let go of the scroll for a moment to wipe her tears and her nose with her arm, then picked it up again.

_ “I don’t want you to feel bad mama, but it feels so different here. When we’re at home, it’s just you and me, and I know it isn’t your fault, but it makes me sad to wish that our home could be like that. _

_ I know that’s just a silly kid’s dream though, isn’t it? I stopped hoping a long time ago. _

_ Anyway, I’m sorry that this became a sad letter. I’ll make it up to you with a big hug when I see you!  _

_ I miss you mama. I hope you’re safe out there. _

_ Love, _

_ Sarada” _

Once she reached the end, Sakura sat in silence, skimming the contents and observing the handwriting. It was a little messier in the second half. Her lettering started to slant, indicating to Sakura that this part of the letter just  _ came out _ of her without any preparation—she was speaking her heart. She rolled up the scroll and held it against her chest, drooping her head and watching the teardrops fall and wet her lap.

For once, Kakashi didn’t say anything, and this time, she was grateful for it. This was something she had to process alone, something she had to feel for herself. Instead, he rubbed his hand over her arm and kissed her temple.

Separating himself from her, he stood up slowly and said, “Let me make you some tea.”

“Okay,” she murmured softly, staring passively at the floor ahead of her. She could see Kakashi’s frame moving toward the kitchen in her peripheral vision, but her focus had been on Sarada’s words.

_ What was it all for? _ Sakura asked herself. 

Her body was motionless, gripping onto the scroll as if she were protecting it—as if it were Sarada herself.

Sakura felt as though the ground was splitting at her feet, the earth cracking in two and threatening to consume her. After all this time, Sakura had been telling herself that everything she did, every hope she kept alive, every smile she gave Sarada when questioned about Sasuke’s whereabouts had been to protect the image of their family—to keep her happy, to lead her to believe in a future where a happy, loving family existed.

How could she tell Sarada that they’d  _ never _ be the family she dreamed of having? Sakura thought she’d been protecting Sarada’s dreams, her youthful idealism. Instead, her thirteen year old teenager was more insightful about reality than she had been.

What was tearing Sakura up the most was the thought that it had been in Naruto’s home, with Hinata and Himawari, that Sarada felt she’d experienced a warm, lively, loving family for the first time. And it wasn’t as though Sakura was jealous; she was truly grateful to Hinata for her kindness and hospitality. 

Instead, it was the harsh reality that no matter what Sakura had done, no matter what role Sakura thought she had been playing, Sarada had seen right through it. Sakura hadn’t been fooling anyone, especially not her own daughter.

Maybe the only person she had fooled all this time was herself.

Her lip began to tremble as she resisted the frown fighting through her every effort to hold herself together. Her brow tightened, her expression painting the severity of her emotions despite her desire to pretend that it wasn’t as bad as it felt.

What hurt the most was the proof of Sarada’s shattered image of their family, the admission that she’d given up hope long ago.

_ What was it all for then? _ Sakura asked herself again.

Her body began to shrink into itself. Her knees drew into her chest, her arms wrapped protectively around them, and her forehead tucked into the fold of her arms. In the dark cover of her arms, her tears were free reveal themselves.

Although she couldn’t see it, she sensed Kakashi’s approach. He’d returned stealthily to her side, ensuring that he had made minimal noise as he went. In fact, the only indicator was the light tap of ceramic against the coffee table and the sudden weight of Kakashi’s body on the couch beside her.

“Sakura…” he soothed softly, his hand lightly slinking around Sakura’s waist. He made no effort to pull her; instead, he was waiting for her to make the choice.

She felt his hand rub her lower back as a comforting gesture but could sense hesitation in him. She understood. When it came to the matters of her marriage and family, when it was about her decisions as a mother, Kakashi would never interfere. It was her decision and he likely felt that he had no place to influence her in those affairs.

Sakura was appreciative that Kakashi never made her feel pressured. Although she would have preferred to be alone in this moment, she had long accepted that true privacy was not a possibility on this mission, and she’d even accepted the irony that she would likely be slightly hurt or upset if Kakashi had not attempted to comfort her in the slightest.

Her heart worked strangely in that regard. 

In spite of her mixed feelings about his presence, Sakura’s body acted on its own, responding to the magnetic pull of Kakashi’s proximity just as she always had. She was curled up, yet the slightest of tilts in Kakashi’s direction was enough of a signal for him to draw her into his arms and pull her toward him. His arms wrapped protectively around her cloistered body as another layer of defense, as a blanket of comfort.

“Kakashi,” she mumbled weakly, the sound of her voice muffled by her tears and from the arms she hid within. “What was it all for…?”

He said nothing in response, only caressed her body in apologetic strokes.

“‘ _ It hurts less not to see him at all than the keep hoping that he’ll make time, _ ’ she said… that line of hers is killing me, Kakashi… I just…” and then she sobbed on her knees, her back wracking in Kakashi’s arms as he moved to lift her head out of her protective shell and pulled her body onto his lap. 

Sakura moved naturally. When he’d gently moved her and exposed her crying face, when he’d pulled her back onto his lap, her body went into the same familiar position she’d once been in while crying on the bathroom floor with him. Her face buried into her favorite spot on his neck, his arm supporting her back, her body tilted slightly so that she was sideways as he cradled her. But this time, his comforting hand was placed against her head, holding her against him as she sobbed into his shoulder.

“Shhh… shh…” he repeated into her hair as she cried against him. “I’m sorry, Sakura… I’m sorry…”

But Kakashi had nothing to do with her sadness. She understood that his apology was more like pity, that he was sorry this was happening in the first place. He was sorry that there was nothing he could do to erase her sadness, to give back the time spent in protecting false ideals.

“I can’t do this…  _ hic _ … anymore, Kakashi…”

His body went still against her.

“I can’t spend my life waiting for him. I can’t…  _ hic _ … keep giving Sarada hope that her father is going to make time for her…!”

Sakura burrowed further, her voice muffled against Kakashi’s wet shirt.

“... She’s right…  _ hic _ … It will hurt less…  _ hic _ … if we stop hoping… !”

Her hands, which were bundled loosely between her chest and knees as Kakashi cradled her body, moved up to wrap around his neck, pulling herself impossibly closer to him.

Her last words were almost imperceptible, almost incomprehensible beneath the sob, beneath her matted hair and drenched fabrics, but it was loud enough. Loud enough because she’d said it at all, the words she’d been feeling, hiding, denying all this time, the words she knew Kakashi had been doubting she’d ever say.

“I’m leaving Sasuke. I want…  _ hic _ ... a divorce!”

* * *

Sunday couldn’t have come fast enough. The day was here and Sasuke had arrived. His hawk had come in only an hour ago to notify Kakashi and Sakura of his location. It was the day of her inevitable confrontation, and she would go with her letter in hand. Since Friday, Kakashi had given her ample space, especially while she made her decisions and wrote her letter.

When Sasuke’s hawk arrived, Kakashi didn’t even attempt to take the scroll or ask about the contents. He just smiled softly in a regretful manner, telling her that he understood without words and would allow her to do what she needed. 

The night Sarada’s letter had arrived ended with Sakura falling asleep in Kakashi’s arms. She’d awoken in bed to the minty cool feeling of Katsuyu healing her swollen eyes. She knew that Katsuyu was attempting to do her part without words because Sakura had asked her not to interfere in things she knew that Sakura preferred to keep private.

Despite that, she had thanked Katsuyu for her gesture of caring and had immediately set out on her task to reply to Sarada. 

She had a plan. When Sasuke arrived, she would speak to him immediately before she lost steam. And as the day grew closer, she would falter periodically, but one read of Sarada’s letter was enough to refresh her resolve.

Sakura was going to leave Sasuke. It had taken evidence of Sarada’s disillusionment to open Sakura’s eyes to the only true answer.

The first draft of the letter seemed inauthentic. She’d responded to some of the other little things that Sarada had included in her letter, but decided to scrap it because it took the focus away. The second draft of the letter seemed too angry, too upset with Sasuke. She knew that even if  _ she _ was upset with her husband, she didn’t want to make Sasuke look like a villain—not in the eyes of his daughter. Not even she had the heart to go that far, she loved him at least that much. The third draft was the closest to what she wanted. It focused on the most important parts of Sarada’s letter, it explained how she felt about it, it promised no more lies about their family, and it didn’t necessarily villainize Sasuke as a person.

Now, after a final rewrite, Sakura held the finished copy in her hands.

_ Dear Sarada, _

_ I want you to know that there is nothing more important to me in the world than you. _

_ Throughout your entire life, the one thing I fought for the most was for your happiness. I dreamed that, no matter where your papa was, no matter how long he’d been gone, that you and I would be happy together.  _

_ But Mama’s never been good at hiding her emotions. I guess you could see through me all along. _

_ This time, I will be honest with you. I’m so sad, Sarada. I’m sad I couldn’t give you the home that I so desperately wanted for you. I’m sad I couldn’t give you the happy family you always dreamed of. I tried so hard, but I’m so sad that I was powerless to bring your father home to you. _

_ I’m so sorry. I don’t want to pretend anymore that everything will be okay because you said that it hurts less not to see him at all than to keep hope. You’re right. It does and it will. And you and I will have each other to make it through that. _

_ I won’t lie about it anymore. I won’t speak for Papa’s intentions any longer. I won’t promise he’ll come home because I’ve never known if that was true, or when it would be true. I never knew when to expect him. His mission was always top secret, even from me. _

_ But if there is one thing I am absolutely certain of regardless of his absence, it is that he  _ _ loves _ _ you. He loves you in a way that neither of us can understand, in a way so uniquely your papa that it’s hard for us to see it. Sai-ojisan helped me understand that. _

_ I won’t make excuses for him, and I know we’ve hidden things from you before, but when I get home, it will be time for you to learn everything about your papa and I… about his past… about why he is the way he is. _

_ And it won’t change that he was absent, but maybe the truth will be better than holding on to false images of your papa that he can’t fulfill. _

_ I did that. I lied to you. I thought I was protecting you. I’m so sorry Sarada. I hope you’ll forgive me for my mistakes, and the mistakes that I may continue to make in the future. _

_ I love you more than anything in the world. _

_ Mama _

This time, Sakura opted not to use cute stationery and chose simple heavy-weight paper. The message was just that, and it certainly wasn’t a bright one. Additionally, she had chosen  _ not _ to reveal her decision for the divorce; instead, she chose to hint at it, and when the time came, she’d speak to Sarada herself about the matter, ideally with Sasuke beside her. She had asked for future forgiveness for that reason, because she didn’t know how Sarada would take the news of the divorce, but also because of her affair with Kakashi. If Sasuke really knew, then she didn’t know how he would deal with that information, if he would use it against her to draw Sarada’s favor away from Sakura.

And despite the natural competitive pull of divorce, of a parent’s desire to want their child to pick them, Sakura had to remind herself that if she was going to do this, she’d do it without forcing Sarada to pick sides.

Divorce often put children in uncomfortable places, between harsh words for the other parent. She’d made many mistakes in learning to be a mother, but she knew that this was the one thing she must do with the least amount of damage. 

Sakura wanted Sarada to continue loving both of her parents. Sasuke needed that much, and even if he continued to be absent, she wanted Sasuke to have his daughter’s love in his life, Sarada needed to know that she was in her father’s heart. Any qualms between Sakura and Sasuke would remain between Sakura and Sasuke; she refused to subject her daughter to any more of their marital spats than she needed to be involved in.

Content with her letter, Sakura folded it up into an envelope and left it unsealed. She’d wrapped up Sarada’s scroll too and shoved it into her pack. Dressed in all black, Sakura readied herself by the door and turned to look behind her.

Kakashi was there, seated at the table with his morning tea, looking at her with an encouraging smile.

“I’ll see you later,” he said softly, his eyes apologetic yet warm. There was a distance between them in this moment, both physically and mentally, but Sakura knew that he understood. 

“See you later,” she responded with a gentle smile, sending him silent thanks as she turned away.

* * *

 

Sakura had spared no second in getting to her destination quickly. She swiftly blinked through the trees, over the buildings, past the lazy guards, and through the forest.

The moment Sasuke’s figure emerged from the shroud of trees, she felt all of the bitterness and anger she’d been harboring surfacing on her chest and in her face. Her features instantly tightened into a look of determination and coldness.

He had been seated on a tree branch overhead, and he hopped down to meet her in the clearing the moment her feet landed on the ground.

“Sasuke,” she called out irritably, but he did not allow her the moment to speak.

“You’re going home,” he ordered coolly, though there was a bite of anger behind his tone. His eyes were burning her, staring harshly despite his detached voice.

“As always, you know exactly how to greet your wife, don’t you?”

Sasuke scoffed and looked away with hooded eyes. His arms crossed beneath his cape while he continued his instructions.

“You’re going home,” he repeated. “We have all of the information we need to attack and we no longer need your involvement. You’ve accomplished your mission.”

“No,” she said incredulously, her decision coming out as a chuckle as if his suggestion had been the most ridiculous in the world. It was as she expected. She knew that they would do anything to remove her from these plans, validating her decision to secretly work with Katsuyu. Although she expected it, his dismissive nature infuriated her. It infuriated her that Sasuke held such little faith in her, held her to such little importance as if absolutely anyone could have done her job. As if she were disposable.

“I’m staying. I want to see this to the end. This is  _ my _ mission, the people affected are  _ my  _ targets.  _ I’m _ going to avenge Sayuri and save this town.”

For once, Sasuke released a sneaking laugh that almost made him seem like an imposter. The grin that creeped across his cold face could strike fear in anyone else, but not Sakura. She knew him better, and that made her want to punch him right in the face.

“Is that it?” he laughed, looking at her with uncharacteristic amusement.

Now she really wanted to punch him. He was mocking her. 

“What are you trying to say?” she warned him, taunting him with equal ridicule. She knew what was coming.

Suddenly, Sasuke’s arm darted out of his cape and grasped harshly onto her forearm, tugging her against him with one swift pull. His whisper slithered into her ear as a poison-stricken warning. It felt as though Orochimaru himself had released his snake-like tongue upon her, causing a wave of disgust to run through her body.

“Is it that you want to save these people or are you staying so that you can keep playing dream-house while you let your dream-husband fuck you all night?”

Even if she had been warned that Sasuke knew, even if she had expected something like this, she didn’t anticipate the loathsome way he’d reveal it to her. She could almost feel his dangerous grin against her ear, the angry aura emanating from his person like a shroud.

“How… dare you…” she whispered back, enraged. Her hands clenched into threatening fists as she jerked herself out of Sasuke’s grasp. She wasn’t entirely sure  _ why  _ she had said those exact words. It’s not as though she was without blame, but she was infuriated by Sasuke’s vindictive words, by the audacity to paint her as the sole villain in this situation.

His head tilted backwards as face straightened out. She knew that beneath his stoic expression was seething fury. Even he was holding back in this moment… or was he?

“Don’t think I didn’t notice something off about you the last time we fucked, Sakura,” he explained calmly, but a creepy calm, a murderous one, like he was holding back with everything in him not to break out into a vengeful battle. He stepped forward, likely as a threatening gesture, but Sakura held her ground and refused to show that he could intimidate her. 

Sasuke reached out with his hand and tipped her chin up towards his glowering face, his red and purple eyes piercing through her in a burning rage. Their bodies were against each other, each of them overcome by animosity.

“You must have been so… turned on,” he said quietly, calmly, holding her chin firmly between his fingers. “I know how you get Sakura, when you want it that bad.” 

And then his voice turned into a snarl as he materialized a Susano’o arm and laid a crushing grip onto her arm, twisting it in the wrong direction. She felt her arm begin to sear, and an instant tingle of cooling mint in its place. Katsuyu was protecting her. “But screaming your sensei’s name must do it for you, huh? It must make it feel so forbidden that you were  _ dripping _ , weren’t you? That you couldn’t resist  _ betraying _ your husband and child—”

Sakura began to screech in anger, ripping herself out of his grasp and away from his body as she screamed at him.

“I WANTED IT TO BE YOU SASUKE! I WANTED YOU TO SAVE US!”

Sakura’s eyes were a bewildered flash of green, like a tsunami ready to overtake anything that crossed her path. She felt herself losing it, felt her Byakugou begin to fight past her control of the seal because she wanted so desperately to release it, her fists desperately crying to hit something, to release every frustration within her.

_ “Sakura, no…”  _ Katsuyu called from within her, urging her not to release her seal. Coolness spread over her feverish forehead; Katsuyu was assisting her in reigning it in.

Sakura’s chest was heaving, she was torn by her mind, by what she knew she should do, and what what wanted to do. She’d never been good at controlling her emotions. This would be no different.

“I wanted you to save us!” she repeated. It was like a cry of desperation without tears, of complaint, of blame. “I came to you that day because I was trying to fight for us! I wanted you to show me that what we had was real, that you loved me! And instead, YOU TREATED ME LIKE AN OBLIGATION!”

“And so WHAT?” he raged, his eyes wide in contempt as he stepped forward again, but this time he grabbed her, and twirled her around to slam her against the tree. “You fucked our sensei to get back at me?!”

“NO!” she shrieked. “IT WASN’T LIKE THAT!”

“Then what was it?” he taunted in a harsh whisper, drawing his face near her again as he held her against the tree by her shoulder. “Did he seduce you? Does he fuck you so good that you fell in love? Or you just couldn’t control that cunt of yours? It always comes down to sex for you, doesn’t it?”

Sakura felt a new wave of hatred rise over her, something snap within her like a thin, worn down branch. He was taunting her. And although she knew she should defend herself, although she knew that she should explain that she only ever sought Sasuke physically because he wouldn’t emotionally open up to her, she couldn’t. It wasn’t  _ just _ about sex, it never was. Something else was always lacking in the first place. But she couldn’t explain that. She was just too angry. She would regret her next words perhaps, but if she couldn’t fight him physically, she’d throw him fighting words.

“Yeah, I’m in love with him. And you’re right…” This time, she leaned in close to his ear, pressed against his hand on her shoulder, then spoke deeply, deliberately, teasingly. “He fucks me better than you ever did.”

The hand on Sakura’s shoulder darted to her neck. For a moment his fingers lingered on Kakashi’s necklace, rolling over the pendant. His eyebrows scrunched into a hurtful, knowing acknowledgement before he tore it off her neck and flung it behind him. Sakura was reeling to react, to yell at him and go after it, but Sasuke acted first.

His hand shot back to her neck and held her against the tree as unbridled rage sprawled across Sasuke’s pyretic face. Although he wasn’t choking the air out of her, he did intend to cause pain. 

His actions shocked her; she wasn’t shocked because of the pain—no, she was a kunoichi and attacks like this were commonplace on the battlefield—but she was shocked because this  _ wasn’t _ the battlefield. This was her marriage. She was his wife and he was her husband, and he was essentially attacking her. And although they were both throwing verbal attacks against each other, this physical attack reminded her of all the times he’d done so before, of all the times he’d almost killed her… he’d never change, would he?

Despite that, however, Sakura felt nothing but a sea of tingling mint on the affected areas and another crack deep in her heart. She’d known it all along, but this marriage, this fight even, was full of toxicity. They brought out the toxicity in each other. She had to walk away. He was not healthy for her and she was no longer healthy for him.

As he held her head up against the tree, she could see his chest heaving. He was baring his teeth, still holding back, yet all he mustered to hiss was the one thing she didn’t expect: “Go home, Sakura. Go home to  _ our _ family home, back to our daughter who is waiting for her mother to be a parent rather than a whore…”

His order escaped him as a low growl, but his further shaming of her just enraged her more.

“Excuse me?” she choked out from beneath his grasp.

“I said. Go. Home. And we can forget all about this fucking  _ spree _ of yours.”

And just like she had done so many times before, in the past, her anger transcended sound and settled into a raging silence. 

Sasuke knew that silence was the warning, the siren alerting him of her true anger, leading him to release her before backing away.

She caught her bearings quickly and lowered her chin, glaring at him through her lashes, building up the strength to say the words that she would never be able to take back.

“It’s over,” she breathed calmly, her voice unwavering. “I want a divorce.” And when the words came out of her, she felt like the world was crumbling around her, as if something vital was being ripped out of her life. Something she couldn’t put her finger on, something she couldn’t make sense of. It was liberating and frightening at the same time.

But once again, Sasuke let out a laugh as if he couldn’t take her seriously. How could he? After all the threats she had received from him over the years, she never let him go. He likely could not believe that this would be any different.

“You’re not going anywhere and we both know it,” he chuckled, shrugging his shoulders as he stared at her through his black hair.

Sakura walked forward as she spoke, her trajectory backing them to another tree, another tree in which  _ she _ could shove him against if she wanted to. She was done with his dismissiveness, by his inability to listen to her needs, her feelings.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” she said quietly, calmly. This time, her tone of voice was dangerously quiet, threatening him of the things to come if she chose to fight. “I’m staying. I’m finishing this mission.  _ You _ are going to go home to  _ our _ daughter and deliver my letter to her.”

“No,” he said sternly, staring at her straight in the eye as a challenge, just as she had.

Now, Sakura was growling. She shoved him against the tree, holding him down by his chest, channeling chakra to keep him in place. She heard the tree groaning from the contact, threatening to break in half by the pressure. “You lost me because you were fucking selfish, Sasuke. Don’t make the same mistake with your daughter.”

But Sasuke refused to say anything. He simply stared at her with the same stoic expression that he lived his entire adult life with. While she held him, Sakura used her free hand to dig into her pack and pull out Sarada’s scroll with her letter, not once breaking eye contact with him.

“Do you know what your daughter said to me in this scroll?” she asked, wagging it to the side of his head. She felt the anger resurfacing in her voice as she thought about the contents of Sarada’s message. “She said that she understands why Boruto is so angry with Naruto. She said he just wants his father to be around. She said that the Uzumaki home feels more like a home than ours EVER did!”

Finally, Sakura felt her tears returning, building up at the edge before falling over. Sasuke’s eyebrow twitched for a moment, and she swore that she saw him falter.

“You did that Sasuke… you did that to her. To me.”

Finally, Sasuke’s eyes were beginning to show another emotion. Perhaps it was regret, perhaps it was sadness, but she knew he felt something because she felt the tension slipping away from his body. He stopped resisting her. 

“She said… it hurts less not to see you at all than it does to hope that you’ll make time…”

And with that she shoved the scroll and letter into his chest, holding it against him. “Read these. I need you to understand. I’m not going to lie to her for your sake anymore.”

Sasuke’s hand slowly lifted up to cup hers over the scroll and grasped her tightly. She didn’t understand what this change in him was. Perhaps Sarada’s words had been the key. He said nothing, but his face showed everything, showed hurt and defeat, and his hand seemed to hold onto her as if he wouldn’t let her go, as if he were silently apologizing for everything he’d done and said.

She couldn’t give into him now. Nothing could change the damage that had been done over the years, and if she gave in again, she knew nothing would change. He’d made so many false promises before, promises that he’d come home, promises that someday things would be different.

She felt her resolve weakening in his grasp. She loved Sasuke and she always would, but Sakura knew better now. She knew what it meant to stay with him, what it meant for Sarada’s heart. 

Slipping her hand out of his, she backed away, signaling her plans to depart. “I’m staying here, Sasuke,” she declared quietly. “I don’t care if you don’t believe in me. I believe in me, and Kakashi believes in me. I’m going to see this mission to the end.”

Kakashi’s name, however, seemed to be a trigger for Sasuke, because his fingers wrapped tightly around Sarada’s letter and all negative emotions were wiped clean off of his face. It was replaced by an indignant smirk. “Hn, Kakashi doesn’t want you to be apart of this mission, the same as me. He agreed with hiding Sayuri’s death from you. He didn’t want you to come with me to Orochimaru’s lair… If you’re so sure of his belief in you, why don’t you ask him, huh?”

And just like that, any weakness she felt for him was gone, her strength in walking away returned. But Sakura already knew that Sasuke’s words were true. She had sensed Kakashi’s involvement in those decisions when they happened.

“I will,” she replied in confidence, not allowing herself to waver in Sasuke’s presence. “And even if that were true, I don’t need approval from either of you to do my duty. If you want this mission to succeed, Sasuke, you’ll accept that quickly and work with me.”

And then she turned away, not waiting for a response, not waiting to see the reaction on his face, just as she had many times throughout their marriage. And just like every other time, he didn’t stop her, not even when she was walking away from him for good. 

Sakura would be lying to herself if she said the lack of fight in him didn’t hurt, even if walking away was what she truly wanted. 

Just as she felt in this mission, she wondered for a moment if Sasuke truly saw her as replaceable, because if he didn’t, why wouldn’t he stop her?

But she shook it off instantly, remembering Sai’s words as she walked away. Sasuke didn’t understand love like she did—he couldn’t, and she just had to accept it. They weren’t compatible.

With each step away from him, she felt the earth quaking beneath her feet. The world was splitting in two, the world she’d known for thirteen years, the world she’d created for herself as a teenager.

Now, however, she and Sasuke were on two different sides of that split earth, never again to return to the same one. Her hand caressed her bare neck, trying to feel for the pendant that once decorated it, seeking a reminder of Kakashi’s warmth in this ground-shattering moment.

And as she made her exit, she knew she was making the right decision: for her, for Sarada, for the mission. She wanted to leave Sasuke with one final warning, a familiar mantra that he used on her over the course of this mission.

“Don’t let your personal feelings get in the way of the mission, Sasuke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I leave you with this! I’ll be going on a two week vacation and I don’t know if I’ll have any internet while I’m out there. Because of that, I can’t promise that I’ll update while I’m gone, but I did want to get this out before I left. I'll be waiting to come home just so I can see the reviews and reactions you all had.
> 
> We’re getting closer to the end everyone! Thanks to all of you that have stuck with IC for this long and to all of the new people who picked it up recently.


	42. Chaos and Contradiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY. I've been sitting on this chapter since the beginning of June, but I wanted to hold onto the next few chapters until they were all done... just to make sure that I didn't mess up on the mission somewhere.
> 
> But alas. I didn't finish all of them. I need to publish though because a ton of you think I disappeared! I'm here!
> 
> You may or may not need to refresh on the story. IM SORRY!!! Thanks for all the people who kept commenting and all of the new followers that showed up during this time! :)

Sakura had taken the long way home, making her way towards the school, then wandered through the bustle of the Main Square Marketplace. The weather was crisp and cold, but slightly warmer than it had been of late. Winter was creeping toward spring, the layer of frost upon the windows and roofs were thinning, and Sakura’s warm breath produced a less visible smoke as she exhaled. Despite that, however, she found herself rubbing her hands together, her fingertips still affected by the bite of the cold as she walked through the square, refusing to return home.

She wasn’t avoiding Kakashi, but she wasn’t quite ready to be in the space of another person—not when her thoughts were so unstable and her world had been shaken in an instant.

After leaving Sasuke, she was torn between anger and sadness, between telling herself she’d done the right thing and that she had to fix it.

And it wasn’t necessarily the  _ marriage _ she had to fix, but it was the manner in which she ended it.

Sasuke made her angry. He made her feel as though she were of little importance. He didn’t listen to her concerns. But the thing was that those actions were not reserved for her. Sasuke had the tendency to do that to everyone, sometimes unknowingly and sometimes on purpose. As his wife, however, she often felt that she should have some sort of special exemption from it, but the truth was that wives were supposed to have more exposure to the  _ real _ ugly—the ugly most people never got to see.

Lifting a hand to lightly caress her neck, the spot that Sasuke had clutched in anger, she knew that with Sasuke, that had certainly been true. She’d seen the public ugly and his private ugly, his nightmares, his demons, but she saw the sweetness in him that no one else had been granted permission to see. Sakura had vowed to love every facet of him—good or bad—for the rest of her life, and now she found herself backing out of that commitment not because she couldn’t stand the ugly, but because he wasn’t around enough to show it to her, to work through it, to balance it with the sweet.

And in truth, she was not the only one who was going back on her vows. She had upheld her commitment to him for 13 years, protected his image fiercely, forgave every harm he’d committed, loved him faithfully from afar. It was Sasuke, however, who never gave himself the opportunity to participate in the vows he’d promised her. He’d caused more pain instead.

But surprisingly, this conclusion no longer produced the dull ache that it once had, no longer burdened her chest with a leaden heaviness or drew tears to the surface. She had accepted these circumstances now, in Sasuke’s absence, as factual; they were things that happened in her life and marriage that she just couldn’t change.

And despite that history, Sakura knew that she loved Sasuke. She always would, even in divorce. He was her first love regardless of how illusive that love might have been, and first loves were always meant to stick with a person. No matter what happened between them, Sasuke’s presence had permanently altered Sakura’s life, had in some major way contributed to the Sakura she was today.

And because she loved him, because she accepted his role in her life, she knew that Sasuke deserved a better end than she had given him.

The moment these intrusive thoughts entered her conscience, a mother and father strolled past her, holding their young son’s hands as he giggled his way through. She watched them go and the image of their seeming happiness seemed to burn into her memory.

She should have had that.

_ But he choked you, _ she thought to herself, rationalizing herself out of the idea that Sasuke deserved more.

_ Do two wrongs make a right? I cheated on him _ , she refuted inwardly, attempting to justify what had happened.  _ His heart is broken, and I know he didn’t mean all of the things he said. He’s just hurt and I taunted him back! _

_ “Sakura-sama,” _ Katsuyu interjected, becoming the voice of reason.  _ “You were both wrong, but there is no excuse for a loved one to attack you like that. It doesn’t matter if you were speaking poorly to him.” _

Sakura thought about Katsuyu’s words for a moment in silence. For years, after each attack—the one in which he left Konoha, the day on the bridge, at the end of the war—she tried to justify his actions.

_ He didn’t mean it _ , she’d tell herself.  _ He was misguided, emotionally upset by something, blinded by revenge. _

Today was no different, and that even included Sasuke’s motivation.

_ “You said it yourself when it happened, Sakura-sama, that this is your marriage, not a battlefield,”  _ Katsuyu reminded her.

“You’re right,” Sakura said out loud as she passed by a weaponry booth. The merchant smiled at her as her eyes scanned past various sizes of silver kunai and a variety of shuriken. 

_ “Okay,” _ she conceded inwardly.  _ “I won’t justify what he did to me. But I can acknowledge that what I did was wrong too, and that even I feel that it would be better if I could speak to him again about it… for Sarada’s sake, if not ours.” _

Katsuyu didn’t respond, not even when Sakura cycled through good memories with Sasuke—the sweet Sasuke, the one who would occasionally give into her whims, the one whose smallest gestures of affection made her heart swell with love, the one whose affection was only for her.

Sakura felt a small sting of pain return in her heart, and finally, the tears began to prick her eyes.

Her marriage was over. The man she loved for over 20 years, the man she’d been married to for 13 would never again show her that gentle smile, would never again touch her forehead so lovingly, would never again come home to be part of her fleeting image of a family.

Sakura turned the corner and quickly departed from the Main Square and ran behind a tree off of the path. She pressed her back against the bark and slid down, crouching on her knees before slapping a hand over her mouth.

She couldn’t help it. Every single positive memory of her life with Sasuke came flooding back, and every single memory materialized into a heavy teardrop. As she stifled a sob, Sakura couldn’t help but ask herself,  _ why now? _

Why was the yearning for Sasuke so sudden, so strong? 

Was it merely because… she was going to lose him forever? Was it for all the things that could have been?

But she’d known that and regardless she had wanted this divorce… And she still did.

_ So why…? _

Sakura slid further down to sit on the ground, her knees still bent and her head nestling above them as she wrapped her arms around her head.

Her heart was just so confused. Logic and love never seemed to work together within her. 

She saw the image of his enraged face once more, juxtaposed by his smiling one, the smile he only showed her, paired with the bitter thought that had crushed her so many times.

_ He didn’t even try to stop me… _

And so, selfishly, Sakura began to wish for his presence now. She started hoping that somehow, Sasuke would just show up in front of her, call out her name gently, and take her into his arms…

She waited. She cried. She calmed.

She listened to the bustle of the market, she listened to the rustling of dead, crunchy leaves, she listened to happy customers as they walked past her unsuspecting, she listened to the shops close around her as evening approached.

She waited for hours.

Sasuke never came. 

_ You expect him to hurt you, and because you expect it, he always does. _

Sakura frowned into her arms.

_ You want him to play a role he can’t fulfill. _

Her hands tightened around her elbows. Why did Sai’s voice always seem to arrive at the right time?

_ You are being unfair to yourself and to Sasuke _ .

And then she heard a light, rhythmic tapping against the dirt in front of her and the light whimpering of a canine. 

Sakura’s head shot up to find Pakkun seated before her. He was lowering his head in worry, clearly concerned for her and his intrusion, yet his tail wagged powerfully against the dirt in tiny sweeps.

“Sakura,” he boofed quietly, tilting his head to the side as his eyebrows scrunched up. 

“Pakkun,” she breathed in surprise, quickly wiping her dried tears away from her cheeks as she straightened her posture. “What are you doing here?”

Pakkun approached her slowly, nudging his head between her arm and her thigh, his whimpering continued as he maneuvered himself into a space in which he could comfort her.

“Boss sent me. Summoned me to check on you,” he said in between whimpers, continuing to nudge his head against her until her fingers began scratching between his ears. 

_ Sasuke didn’t come for me, _ she thought, the pain beginning to dull as she accepted Pakkun’s affection.  _ But… Kakashi did.  _

“Is he worried?” Sakura asked quietly despite knowing the answer. Pakkun lifted his paw to rest it upon her thigh, and she wondered whenever she was lucky enough to create such a bond with one of Kakashi’s beloved companions.

“Said he expected you home hours ago.”

“I see…” Sakura responded. “I’m sorry.”

Pakkun didn’t say anything back, only rested his head against her as she continued to scratch. 

_ “Katsuyu-sama,”  _ she called within her.  _ “Would you mind… healing the puffiness of my eyes again? Sorry to ask…” _

_ “Anything I can do to help,” _ Katsuyu responded, and in an instant, Sakura felt the comforting tingle of mint spread across her face.

Sasuke didn’t come, and she shouldn’t have expected him to, but even without him, she had so many people and companions ready to love her, to protect her, to make her feel better.

“Let’s go home, Pakkun,” she decided softly, reaching under his belly to scratch for a moment before picking him up on one arm.

“I can walk you know,” he barked sarcastically, but he nestled into her body anyway.

“I know,” Sakura replied with a smile. “But would you really be  _ you _ if you didn’t accept a free ride?”

* * *

 

When Sakura opened the door and poked her head through, she found Kakashi sitting at the dining table with a tea cup in hand, sifting through the pictures and files within the mission folder. He was alerted by the sound of the door and instantly shut the file. He rose from his chair with a jerk as if he were going to approach her, but she saw him hesitate, holding back from what he wanted to do, just in case she needed space. Instead, he waited for her to move, his eyes alight with both surprise and concern.

Sakura crouched down to allow Pakkun to jump out of her arms. He did so with a thud and a quiet snort as he hopped his way over to Kakashi, who bent down to pet him without taking his eyes off of Sakura.

She shut the door behind her and stood by the doorway for moment before walking towards him. For some reason, although she told herself that she’d be ready to come home, she found the words catching in her throat as she watched him.

When she was five feet away, she stopped and shifted her weight to one side, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. Her eyebrows scrunched up as she mentally braced herself. Kakashi pushed himself up, pressing his hands against his knees, and straightened his posture to look at her.

He was waiting.

Her eyes flickered from his face down to the hem of his pants, the untamed thoughts within her not allowing her to maintain eye contact. She inhaled deeply, and when she let her breath go, the words escaped with it. “I told Sasuke that I was leaving him…”

Kakashi took a timid step forward and then froze. His head turned to look down at Pakkun.

“Pakkun, I think we need a little privacy… could you—”

“Wait, no!” Sakura blurted suddenly. There was a little more energy and force in her voice than prior. When she noticed it, she reeled herself back in before making her request. Kakashi looked back at her curiously and Pakkun sat on his hind legs waiting. “We haven’t… had Pakkun here in awhile and I was hoping that you’d be willing to send him out to check on Itsuki. We haven’t observed him in a few days…” 

Kakashi paused for a moment and took her request into consideration, then he nodded in Pakkun’s direction, who barked once before disappearing to fulfill his duty.

Once he was gone, Kakashi slowly turned his head to look at Sakura again. He lowered his voice and spoke gently, his body displaying a sense of discomfort. “Sakura, are you okay?”

Sakura began to approach him again, smiling weakly as an attempt to make it seem like she was indeed okay. “I…” but the words were caught in her throat again and she felt the stinging sensation of her tears fighting their way through to the surface once more. She looked away from him in an attempt to hide her watering eyes, casting her eyes towards the ground once more before tilting her head and meeting his chest with a thump. She wondered then if she should lie, if she should tell him that she was fine or if she should tell him how she really felt, even if it might hurt him.

_ I’m sad… _ she admitted to herself inwardly, thinking back once more about Sasuke’s decision to let her walk away. But how could she expect Kakashi to console her for something that would betray his feelings for her too?

“I’m…” she started again, voice quivering. She knew then that even if she tried, she wouldn’t be able to hide her sadness. There was no use. “I’m not okay!” she blurted out, wrapping her arms around his back and burying her face into his chest. She could feel Kakashi’s hesitation; he wasn’t as quick to comfort her as he typically had been in the past, but surely enough, his arms raised behind her and his hands gently placed themselves on her back, holding her in a loose, uncertain embrace.

“It’s strange,” she murmured, turning her head to press a cheek against his chest. Her hand moved to rest beside her face, her fingers playing with the fabric of his shirt. She pushed herself to say the words she was feeling and afraid of saying.  “I want this divorce, but when I said it outloud, it just… felt like the world was crumbling around me… everything I’ve known for so long was just gone…”

Sakura waited in anticipation for his response. She was afraid of hurting him, but she was just as afraid of what further lies would do to their relationship, especially when it was as significant of an event as this was. But as always, Kakashi’s reply surprised her. Instead of pulling away, he placed a gentle kiss on the crown of her head and lifted his hand to stroke her hair at the nape of her neck.

“I think that’s only natural,” he whispered as his arm tightened around her back. “Everything is going to change for you.”

_ How is it that Kakashi is always able to surprise me? _ She wondered to herself, her tears calming as he comforted her. Somehow, Kakashi always went beyond her expectations. When she assumed one thing, he would perform another. When she thought he’d be hurt or push away from her, he always drew himself closer to her.

It was so different from the world she knew, and ironically, she found that it was  _ she _ who had been doing things to push herself away from him.

He was just so sweet to her, so caring, so understanding… Sakura knew that on a normal day, his actions would have caused her to smile, but because she was withholding an enormous secret from him, she looked up at him with a stoic expression. “Yeah,” was the only thing she could manage to say.

Suddenly, however, Sasuke’s voice invaded her conscience as she looked at Kakashi’s gentle expression. She heard Sasuke’s words nagging at her against her will.

_ “Why don’t you ask him? Kakashi doesn’t want you to be apart of this mission, same as me,” _ Sasuke was reminding her, taunting her as if even her perception of Kakashi had been faulty.

Sakura grew angry with herself as she returned Kakashi’s gaze. She was simply torn in two. Everything about her life was an utter mess and contradiction; one minute she was pining over Kakashi, the next she was yearning for Sasuke’s private sweetness. One minute, she was in awe of Kakashi’s ability to  _ understand _ her, even the things she didn’t say, and then the next she was disappointed because he had tried to exclude her from knowing vital information about this mission.

_ What do I want? _ She almost screamed internally, her face burning from being overwhelmed.  _ Why can’t you just be HAPPY? Why do you always say one thing and look for another? _

Kakashi’s head tilted to the side and his eyebrows furrowed in concern as he examined her expression. He must’ve caught on.

And so Sakura backed away from him in an attempt to move the interaction further, to get away from her feelings, from the truths she couldn’t figure out or conflicts she didn’t want to face.

“Why don’t we just talk about the mission?” she stuttered, breaking away from him and shuffling toward the table to reach for the mission file. She hadn’t seen it yet.

“No, forget about the mission right now,” he called out, catching her wrist in a gentle hold before pulling her towards him again. He maneuvered her body to face him so that he could look at her directly. “Sakura, something serious just happened in your life. You shouldn’t try to pretend it didn’t happen… let’s focus on you, okay?”

And for once, she wished that Kakashi would let her go. She understood what he was telling her, but her turbulent heart wouldn’t allow her to accept it. It was leading her astray. All she could think was,  _ are you trying to hide the mission report from me? _ Even if she knew that wasn’t true.

As she looked at him, in the soft pleading in his grey eyes, she could only see the regretful expression of the man who hid Sayuri’s death from her, the man who stopped her from going after Masuyo while she still could.

She didn’t respond to him because everything within her body was being difficult, even if logic told her otherwise.

_ Kakashi isn’t trying to hurt you right now, _ she told herself.  _ He isn’t lying right now. _

And so, when Kakashi gently led her towards the bed, she allowed him to guide her and followed his lead. But the thoughts in her head were screaming, every single one of them conflicted, every single one of them plunging her into bewildered confusion. 

_ I love you. No. I love him. What am I doing here? I want to go home. I need to finish this mission.  _

When he sat her onto the mattress and crouched at the edge, she watched him remove her boots and tug her pants off. 

_ My marriage! No. Why did you lie to me? Stop looking at me so sweetly. Sasuke! Sarada!  _

When his fingers reached for the zipper of her coat and pulled down, she helped him shrug it off of her shoulders, then watched him toss it away from the bed. 

_ I have so much baggage, who could ever want me? Is that why didn’t Sasuke come for me? Thank you, Kakashi. You’re everything I was looking for.  _

Then he stood up and made his way around the bed. She turned to watch him go, waiting as he climbed onto the mattress and motioned for her to come to him, promising with his gestures that he’d hold her through every single tear. 

_ Why are you so perfect? What did I do to deserve you? _ she wondered. 

She paused for a moment, taking in the sight of his open arms. Her lip began to quiver and her tears returned with full force. 

_ What’s wrong with me? Can’t you just be happy? He deserves better than you! You’re going to hurt him! _

“Kakashi…” Sakura croaked. It was the only word she was able to say amongst her chaotic thoughts, like a desperate plea for his help in making it stop. And as soon as the words  _ make it stop _ registered in her mind, Sakura instantly felt a cooling mint spread over her eyes and over her feverish forehead. Katsuyu couldn’t repair a shattered self-image, nor could she repair a broken heart, but she could help in healing the physical swelling.

Kakashi leaned forward, reaching out to wrap a hand around her wrist. “Come here, Sakura,” and then he pulled lightly. Sakura followed his lead, listening to the creaking sounds of the bed as she shifted her weight. When she crawled toward him, she fell into his arms and draped her bare legs over his, nestling against him as she was so accustomed to doing.

She wanted every painful and hurtful thing, every horrible feeling that she accused herself of, every question to just  _ go away _ . Her chest was constricted, her tears staining her shirt, a soreness manifested in her jaw from trying to reign in her trembling frown, and then there was the sharp ache in her chest from a sob withheld for too long. Kakashi’s strong arms encircled her as he whispered, “you’re okay, you’re okay.”

As he held her, she felt so far away from him even though she was so physically near him. It was her lies that did that, because she had a tendency to destroy anything positive in her life, to severely misinterpret her situation, to act rashly without thinking of the consequences. 

But despite her conflicted feelings, there was something she knew for sure. Kakashi provided a kind of warmth that Sasuke never gave her. Even when she felt so far away, Kakashi was there, waiting at the door, ready to see her whenever she was willing to welcome him. It was always on her time, and it was always just right, even if she refused to acknowledge it. And as he held her tightly, Sakura thought back to the beginning of this adventure, when she’d simply wanted someone to be attentive to her needs, someone who wouldn’t leave her alone. She’d found that in Kakashi, and she’d found even more than that. 

He was here, supporting her, urging her forward every time she was on the verge of breaking. Kakashi would hold the pieces together and he refused to judge her because of it.

Sasuke had been wrong when he’d accused her of only focusing on sex. Sure, the sex had been amazing between she and Kakashi, but that wasn’t the only thing that was amazing. What Sasuke had failed to realize was that she had only sought Sasuke sexually because he was unable to reach her emotionally. Something was always _ missing _ between them, and she was trying to compensate.

She didn’t have this problem with Kakashi. Instead, he would always listen, he would talk to her, he’d just  _ hold _ her and be there. And it was enough. It was all she ever needed of him. 

Finally, as the chaotic storm quieted within her mind, she could focus on the man right in front of her. She could focus on the positive thing she had right here. Sakura looked up at him. Stirred by her movements, his gaze shifted down at her and he offered her a gentle smile.

_ Do what’s best for you, Sakura,  _ he’d said to her so many months ago in Konoha. And without thinking, she muttered aloud, “What did I ever do to deserve someone like you…?” Her hand reached up and ran through the silvery bangs that framed his face.

The question had surprised her, but not as much as the answer he’d given her.

His smile widened, and his thumb moved to swipe her hair away from her temple. 

“Sakura,” he murmured sweetly. “I feel the same way about you...”

* * *

 

_ “Sakura-sama, Sakura-sama!” _

Sakura began to stir, her crusted eyes fluttering open as she grew into her awareness. As she blinked, trying to clear up her vision, she reached up to brush away the salt on her eyelids, looking around for the source of the voice before realizing it was Katsuyu calling her.

_ “Sakura-sama, I’m sorry to wake you, but I need to tell you something!” _

_ “What is it, Katsuyu-sama? What’s happened?” _ she asked inwardly, slowly looking up at Kakashi’s sleeping face and feeling his arms draped loosely around her. 

“ _ You need to meet with Pakkun,” _ Katsuyu insisted. There was a hint of worry in her tone.

“ _ Where is he?” _ she asked. As she waited for a response, she continued to stare at Kakashi’s face. Katsuyu’s call was the signal and Sakura knew that  _ now _ was the time to put her plans, if she could call them that, into action. But as she watched Kakashi sleeping peacefully, she couldn’t help but feel as though she didn’t want to go. She had remembered so many months ago, when they had just departed for the mission, Kakashi told her that he’d never  _ really _ fallen asleep on a mission, just in case, yet here he was completely comfortable and deep into his slumber.

The thought warmed her and tore at her heartstrings at the same time. Kakashi, the one who had been alert enough to stop her from pulling down his mask, trusted her so much, felt so safe that he was able to sleep soundly in her presence  _ without _ his mask… and now, she was going to violate that trust.

Sakura groggily reached for Kakashi’s arm and gently removed it from her hip. She was free then, and she slowly peeled herself off of Kakashi’s body and crawled away from the bed.

Her movement caused him to stir. She paused with her hands still holding her off of the mattress and watched to see if he would awaken. Instead, he merely inhaled sharply, adjusted his position, and rolled over to one side.

Finally, Katsuyu’s answer came through. “ _ The administration building. He followed Itsuki’s trail. I’ve instructed him to wait for you there and urged him not to return to Kakashi yet.” _

_ “Thanks, Katsuyu-sama. I’ll be there soon,”  _ she replied, stealthily making her way towards the drawer to pull out a black sweater and her stretchy black pants.

Katsuyu’s tone and Pakkun’s location sent Sakura into a bit of a panic. She’d asked Itsuki to inform her of his whereabouts, especially if he planned on leaving, but she hadn’t seen him in a few days. Moving with urgency, Sakura slipped herself into her pants and pulled the sweater over her head. She re-opened the top drawer and reached deep into the back, searching for items she hadn’t taken with her in awhile.

When her hand made contact with her battle pouch, it felt like a physical lie in her hands. She couldn’t help shooting a guilty glance in Kakashi’s direction.  _ This is it _ , she thought to herself. She was going straight into the lion’s den without him and she had to prepare for it. She knew that this was likely foolish, that she was acting rashly again, but she was resolved to act, to fulfill her silent promise to Imada-sensei.

Sakura took the pouch out of the drawer and opened the flap to sift through the contents. Within it were a few shuriken and sharpened kunai. Beside it was a smaller pouch filled with drug-dipped senbon and an antidote—just in case. These weapons were influenced by Shizune-san, who had been using poisonous kunai in battle, and Sakura saw it fit to adopt the practice. If she was an expert in healing poisons and drugs, she may as well be adept in using them.

And so, with the pouch in hand, Sakura retrieved her boots by the bed and sat at the table to slip them on. Beside each zipper, she stuffed her boots with her shinobi tools, making sure that they were positioned correctly so that they wouldn’t stab her.

When she was ready, she looked at Kakashi’s figure once more and suppressed all of the feelings of guilt. Her emotions were a mess, but the mission couldn’t wait for her to be ready. Itsuki couldn’t wait for her to be ready, not unless she wanted him to be another victim.

And so, she quickly bit on her thumb and quietly tapped her hand onto the top of her hand. “Kuchiyose no jutsu,” she whispered, watching the summoning circle emerge on her skin until another Katsuyu appeared.

_ “I’m leaving one of you with Kakashi. If something happens to me, you know what to do.” _

_ “Yes, Sakura-sama.” _

With Katsuyu on her palm, Sakura creeped toward Kakashi on the bed and plucked Katsuyu off of her skin. She leaned forward to place Katsuyu just beside him, so that if anything happened, she was within reach to wake him and notify him of Sakura’s status.

_ I’m sorry, Kakashi, but I have to do this… _

And then she turned away, picking up an empty bag before quietly slipping through the door without once looking back.

* * *

 

“Pakkun!” Sakura called out as she landed on a branch near him. “What’s going on?” As she straightened her posture, she held herself up by placing her hand onto the main bough of the tree.

Pakkun barked once before whimpering lightly. It was as if he were afraid of a scolding. “I’ve been looking for Itsuki’s trail and it led me here, but Itsuki isn’t here anymore.”

And then he sat down on the branch, his stubby tail swooping across the smooth bark as he waited for Sakura to comprehend the situation. Katsuyu, who was attached to his dog-jacket remained stationary on his back.

“What do you mean he’s not here?” she asked incredulously. She knew what Itsuki’s absence meant, but she was holding onto hope that the same situation wasn’t unfolding here. That, unlike Sayuri, Itsuki would still be nearby somewhere.

“The trail led here, but he isn’t  _ here _ anymore. Masuyo is but Itsuki isn’t. There must be a way to the compound from here. That’s the only explanation.”

Sakura glanced through the leaves to observe the administration building. All of the lights were off except for two—Masuyo’s office and the secretarial desk in the front. It seemed that everyone else had gone home for the night.

“How long has it been since he’s been gone?”

“A few hours, maybe, based on the faint scent trail.”

Sakura’s hand gripped tightly onto the tree bough. She felt her face harden as she looked at Pakkun. It wasn’t that she was disappointed in him because he had performed his duty, but she couldn’t help the icy tone from creeping into her next words.

“Pakkun… you know where the compound is, don’t you?”

“No,” he barked. His tail stopped wagging against the branch as his tongue hung out beneath heavy pants.

“Tell me the truth. I already know it.”

“Then why ask?” he barked again, whimpering and standing on his legs before twirling around. He seemed as though he wanted to get out of this conversation. “Where is Kakashi?”

“Pakkun,” she asserted resolutely, ignoring his question. “I’m going to get into that compound. If I go in there, it’s likely that Masuyo is going to try to take me in. And I need you to keep watch for my scent.”

The canine lowered his head onto the branch, raising his paws to rest over his eyebrows as if to hide from her gaze. “This isn’t a good idea, Sakura-chan. We should get Kakashi first.”

“No. That’s why I have you here… because if things go sour, you’ll know exactly where to go and what to do. Katsuyu is with you and Kakashi, and she’s been instructed to wake him when she needs to… and she’s probably going to need to.”

“If you know things are going to go bad, why are you doing it?”

“Because I can’t wait for anyone’s approval any longer. Waiting is what got Sayuri killed, and if I try to tell them, they’re going to stop me. I just can’t, okay?”

And then the dog was silent. Sakura crouched beside him, opening up the bag she had brought for him to hop into. For once, he did not protest before jumping inside. She was surprised by his compliance, wondering once more about the nature of her relationship with Kakashi’s companion. Once he had settled into the bag, Sakura looped her arm through the straps and jumped down from the tree. Given that it was nightfall, Sakura had little cause to be extra secretive in her approach. Everyone was gone anyway, and it was unlikely that there were people on patrol given the general absence of security. 

_ Masuyo must be confident in himself, _ she thought to herself, recognizing for the first time that he must not feel the need to have additional protection.

Sakura put on her pleasant face as she walked through the door. The room was dimly lit other than the sole desk lamp on the secretaries desk behind the glass. The same attendant sat at the desk, tired, his eyes as disinterested as ever. This time, he was listening to music on a headset with his head tilted back. Because of that, he didn’t even hear her enter, and because his attention was elsewhere, she decided to sneak past him without sparking unnecessary conversation.

It was easy for her to slip past him in the dark room, especially while his hearing was compromised. She quickly made her way up the three sets of stairs around the corner before reaching Masuyo’s floor. Off to the side, she dropped her bag, allowing Pakkun to wiggle his way out of the canvas.

“Listen for me, okay? Make sure you’re paying attention to my location…”

Pakkun whimpered quietly in response, communicating without words that he would comply but that he was concerned about the outcome of Sakura’s plan. But despite his concern, Sakura stood straight, walked towards the door and inhaled.

She lifted a hand to the large wooden door.

This was it. There was no turning back.

She didn’t know what would happen in there, what he would say, how she would get into the compound, if he would try to fight her. All she needed to know was that she was going to try, and that she’d survive long enough for her teammates to arrive as back up if needed. Sakura had left all of the necessary precautions behind. Pakkun and Kakashi would do the rest.

Her arm hovered in front of the door, her wrist cocked back, ready to knock if her body commanded it. And with one heavy exhale, she flicked her wrist and knocked on the door three times.

The sound was like a death toll. The moment she’d heard the thumps produced on the wood, she wished that she could turn back, but as soon as she’d heard a swiveling chair and the thump of heavy boots, she told herself  _ no.  _ She had to do this, for herself, for sensei, for Itsuki, for Sayuri.

She heard a hand fall onto the doorknob, and as the metal began to jingle, she swore time was slowing down. Everything happened in slow motion as the door jerked open, revealing the broad-shouldered, green-haired man behind it.

There was a pause. Sakura wondered if she looked like a deer in headlights as they looked at each other in silence.

And then finally, after what seemed like forever, Masuyo spoke first. “I’ve been waiting for you for a week,” he said confidently, opening the door to allow her access. Masuyo dropped a hand on her shoulder, and in an instant, she felt his chakra surge through her in a quick burst as he allowed her to pass the invisible chakra barrier. “Come in,” he welcomed her, standing aside to make space for her.

When she entered the room, she found that the office was as grand as any leader’s would be. The walls were painted a nice eggshell and trimmed with shiny crowning. The floorboards were a polished wood but it was covered with an ornate oriental area rug situated beneath a sitting area, complete with a european style love-seat, a single-seater, and a coffee table with decanters. He had a large presidential desk in front of the window. The walls were lined with bookshelves stock-full of literary classics and critical editions, decorated sporadically with various ceramic and wooden artworks, likely compiled of student work. To the left of the room was a black grand piano that looked as though it had never been played. And on the walls were paintings hung in a gallery style, each with their own lighting and placard with the title and the artists information.

“What took you so long?” he asked coolly, leading her towards the couch as he watched her take in her surroundings.

“Oh, sorry,” Sakura replied amicably. “My husband has been sick and… to be honest with you, I guess I wasn’t ready after what happened in class last week.”

“Ah, yes,” he chuckled, urging her to take a seat on the loveseat with his arm. He waited for her to sit before seating himself on the single seater. “I apologize for that. Itsuki can be a handful at times, and he can bring out the unprofessionalism in me.”

As she sat, Sakura’s hands crossed and rested on her knees. She was in full alert, observing everything she could, looking for a secret passage, some way for him to slip out if he needed to. She heard the clinking of the crystal decanters and the pouring of liquid into a cup.

“I take it your husband is feeling better now?” 

Sakura nodded in response. His voice carried the weight of royalty, as though he’d been trained in public relations, as if his every word held a confidence in them that compelled you to listen.

“Sake?” he asked politely, holding a crystal glass out to her.

“No, thank you.” Sakura’s attention went back to Masuyo. He sat across from her with a creeping smirk, one that caused discomfort, as if he were amused by some joke that Sakura was not keen on.

As usual, he was wearing some luxurious black yukata robe, layered with dark greys and blacks, embroidered by a green stitching that complimented his hair. And despite the color of his black eyes, which were slightly covered by his side swept bangs, his stare was still as piercing as ever, burrowing into her mind with the promise of something sinister.

But maybe that was just her bias… because she was looking for all of those things in him.

“Where is your husband now? It’s quite late for you to be visiting offices, don’t you think?”

“He’s at home,” Sakura responded haughtily, as unintentional as it was. “Look, I didn’t come here to talk about my husband.” She could feel her impatience wearing thin, her desire to know where Itsuki was creeping through. And as determined as she was to prove herself to her comrades, she wished for a moment that she  _ wasn’t  _ Sakura, and that instead, she was some other person who could more easily hide what they were feeling.

“Sorry,” she muttered, as an attempt to reel herself back in, forcing her friendlier face to come back out. “I just want to know why you wanted me to come see you, that’s all.”

“Well, let’s get to it then,” he smiled, his eyes briefly flickering down to his cup before taking a sip, then back at Sakura. She could feel her chest tightening in anticipation.

“I sent Sayuri to another village to start her business. She keeps in contact with me often and has told me of her successes. The locals seem to be interested in her work, naturally of course, because she’s incredibly talented. You would know that, wouldn’t you?”

_ He’s lying _ , Sakura told herself.  _ This was a trap, it always was. _

Sakura nodded as she listened, hoping that her anger wasn’t seeping into her expression, that she could keep a straight face for as long as necessary.

“Well,” he continued. “Since business seems to be booming, she’s actually requesting help.” He raised the glass in his hand and took another sip of his sake. He exhaled sharply and crossed his leg, resting his arm over his knee before continuing. “Sayuri had mentioned that she’d been mentoring you and actually requested that I send  _ you _ to her. She’d like you to be a business partner with her so that she can continue your mentorship. What do you say?”

The manner in which Masuyo proposed this  _ opportunity _ was so nonchalant, as if it it would be an effortless adventure to drop everything in one’s life to pursue a business like this one.

“Me?” Sakura forced out, attempting the sound surprised. “I’m hardly good enough to assist anyone in a business.”

Masuyo leaned back into his chair and smiled. “She said she saw enormous potential in you, and I have to say that I’d agree given the last painting you brought with you—the one with the young version of you obstructing your sight and strangling you?”

“What about my husband?” she asked as if she were seriously considering this venture. She had to. If she wanted to go to the compound, she had to sound like she was interested.

Instead of responding to her, Masuyo’s stare persisted in silence. His smile grew slowly, as if he were thinking of something, as if he were calculating in his mind what to do with no worry of his victim’s alarm. He was like a snake who  _ knew _ he could catch his prey. Suddenly, he leaned forward, uncrossed his legs, and leaned on both of his knees as he stared at her. 

“Hmmm….” he hummed laboriously. 

Sakura blinked in confusion, waiting for the resolution of whatever it was that Masuyo was doing.

Yet as the silence progressed, a strange, wicked look flashed in his eyes, his smile spreading into a full-fledged grin of complete amusement.

He chuckled once.

“ _ Sakura-sama, _ ” Katsuyu calls out, but the sound of her was so weak that Sakura had to focus on her. “ _ Sakura-sam—”  _

And then Katsuyu’s voice was gone. Panicked, Sakura called out to her inwardly, trying to regain her connection. “ _ Katsuyu-sama! Are you there? What happened?” _

But she heard nothing. Her hand flew to the spot behind her neck where she rubbed the skin, looking for the raised skin as evidence that Katsuyu was still there. She was.

“What do you say?”

Suddenly, Sakura’s attention was drawn back to the man in front of her.

“Is something wrong?” he asked coolly, though his grin persisted, sending signals of danger throughout her body. Something was off here.

“N-no,” she replied, forcing a smile again. “I just realized I might’ve left a pot of soup on the stove. Anyway, what was that? Could you repeat it?”

“I said,” he began. His hand reached out across the narrow coffee table before landing on her knee. His thumb kneaded the side of her kneecap. “Whoever your husband is can either stay behind or start anew with you elsewhere.”

Sakura was silent. She observed his advances, still focusing on Katsuyu’s disappearance, mulling over the reasons for his hand on her knee.

“If you choose to come with me, I can support you in ways that your husband can’t.” And suddenly, the meaning behind his grin turned into something  _ else, _ something utterly suggestive. His hand began to slide ever-so-slightly above her knee.

“Sayuri loves you,” she declared in response, slapping her hand over his to stop his movements. His skin was cold, like ice.

“Young girls like Sayuri aren’t really my type. And pink hair like yours is much more rare and exquisite. A woman like you deserves to be nurtured to her full capacity of beauty…like a piece of fine art… You’re no average woman, are you…?”

Suddenly, Sakura felt Katsuyu begin to wiggle beneath her skin, her voice fading back into her conscience. “ _ Sakura-sama!”  _ Katsuyu’s movements, however, caused Sakura to twitch slightly and she rolled her head to the side as an instinctive movement.  _ “The humming is the genjutsu! Be careful! He tried to put you under!” _

But by the time she was alerted of his secretive attempt at taking her, Masuyo began to cackle in mad amusement. His grip on her thigh grew stronger, as if he were trying to hurt her, yet before she knew it, Masuyo had spoken the names of two people she hadn’t expected to come from him.

“...Uchiha Sakura and Hatake Kakashi!”

And suddenly, beyond the laughter was a high-pitched ringing that she could not block out. Her hands flew to her ears to block it but it permeated everything and sent a cold bolt through her body. 

Something was happening. As she listened to the joint sounds of his cackling and the silently piercing ring in her ears, she lost balance in her body, and she felt herself slipping off of the couch and crashing onto the floor.

“W-what is this?” she managed to say despite her flopping amongst the floor. Sakura tried to lift herself to no avail. With every attempt to raise herself, the world would spin and she’d come crashing back down.

_ “Sakura!”  _ she heard faintly through the ringing.  _ “Hold on! I’ll try to figure out what’s going on!” _

But while she attempted to catch her bearings, while her vision would not remain stable, Masuyo stood and swung his leg across, his heavy boot making contact with her head. Sakura flew backwards, catching herself on her arms before struggling to get up once more. It was no use, in conjunction with her lack of balance and the force of his kick, she was seeing stars.

The sound stopped, but her balance did not return. Suddenly, she felt Masuyo grabbing her wrists and holding them behind her, binding her with some sort of raw, coarse, wooden vine, and then letting her fall to the floor. It felt measly, frail—something that she could easily burst out of if she channeled her chakra to her arms…

Yet as she tried to do so, she felt the energy being sucked out of her, collecting somehow in her wrists and being stored by the vine. In a panic, Sakura called out to Katsuyu for confirmation.

_ “Katsuyu-sama! What’s happening to my chakra!” _

_ “I don’t know! I think it’s the bindings, but it started when you fell off of the couch! He’s taking your chakra somehow!” _

As Sakura attempted to pull herself onto her knees, Masuyo seemed content with his work and walked away to do  _ something _ . She didn’t know. All she was focusing on was her inability to use her chakra, on the vine that was binding her wrist, on that  _ ninjutsu _ , whatever it was that caused her to fall like that.

_ “Katsuyu-sama, listen to me,” _ she called out inwardly, needing to safeguard the last insurance she had left. If this  _ thing _ was sucking her chakra out, she’d have to prevent it from taking her wildcard—her byakugou.  _ “I need you to manage my chakra network. It’s taking my chakra, but you have to block all connections to any chakra points above my neck. The byakugou—do you hear me? We cannot let him take that chakra!” _

As the seconds passed, Sakura felt her connection with Katsuyu growing weaker. She could hear Masuyo digging through drawers and shuffling through papers by his desk, but her lack of bodily control did not allow her to turn and watch him.

_ “Sakura-sama, _ ” Katsuyu responded with worry, her voice fading in the back as the connection began to weaken.  _ “If you don’t regulate your chakra, you know that you could die, right?” _

Sakura knew she had to get her message across immediately. Even if she couldn’t talk to her as effectively, she knew that Katsuyu would still be there.

“ _ I’m not going to die. That’s why you’re here. I need you to protect my chakra reserves. Please.” _

And then Sakura felt a sea tingling mint on her neck, spreading throughout her forehead. She began to feel clammy, as if she were developing a cold sweat. But in addition to that, she felt Katsuyu doing something  _ else _ to her body. She was cooling her entire body, slowing the flow of her chakra network to delay the removal of her chakra.

_ “Thank you Katsuyu _ .” Sakura didn’t know if she could hear her or if Katsuyu could respond, but she’d said it anyway.

Sakura felt her consciousness slipping, but she fought to stay awake. She was cold, so, so cold, wondering if the summons had alerted Kakashi yet, wondering about the severity of her mistakes, wondering how she would get out of this.

But she wasn’t giving up yet. 

Masuyo slammed a drawer shut somewhere behind her, and as the time passed, she could feel her body regaining its balance. She was able to sit up on her knees somehow, but not well enough to stand on her feet. But as the sound of his boots drew nearer, she began to feel spike of panic.

“You know,” he spoke amusedly, the sound of his voice getting closer. “It’s not often that I encounter someone immune to my genjutsu. That’s a rare trait that you have. Since I discovered your immunity in Sayuri’s house, I’d been hoping to get you another way. Who would have thought that it’d be so easy to get you here? All because you couldn’t help yourself from being concerned with that stupid kid and Sayuri—you walked right into it.”

Just as she had expected, the moment he touched her, another high-pitched ringing was set loose, and Sakura’s balance went reeling, her head tipping from left to right as she attempted to keep herself from falling over.

But Masuyo was behind her, holding her body steady with a strong grip, shoving a bag over her head and blocking her vision. He picked her up swiftly and threw her over his shoulder. She couldn’t even hold her head up without making herself feel nauseous. She didn’t understand what this jutsu was. A  _ whistling _ genjutsu, they’d said. The file said  _ nothing _ about a sound ninjutsu that incapacitated the victim and affected the chakra network.

As he began to walk away, she had to remind herself of why she was here, to settle her nerves despite the situation she’d walked into.

She had to get to the compound. He was going to take her there. She was going to find out what happened to Sayuri and why, and she’d get Katsuyu to relay the information. At the very least, she was fulfilling  _ that  _ aspect of her mission—gathering information.

And as bad as this situation seemed, Sakura knew she would be alright.

She’d get out of this somehow. She had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but like tbh, Sakura is all over the place, but I think that makes sense for her for various reasons.
> 
> Anyway, I'm in a writing RUT. I'm trying sooo hard to get through the chapter I'm writing and I need some motivation--hence, the reason I'm posting!
> 
> Often times, your reviews invigorated me like no other, so heres to hoping I can get some of this lifeblood back! <3


	43. Inadequacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to thank all the people who left reviews because you really helped invigorate me. I was starting to disconnect with the story, but you reminded me that people are here, waiting, and I knew I had to keep going.
> 
> More on the mission. I hope you enjoy it! It gets pretty intense.

****“Kakashi-sama! Wake up, please!”

Kakashi felt something cold and wet slithering up his arm before he heard the words. He mumbled Sakura’s name as his eyes fluttered open, looking for her momentarily before noticing that she was long gone, then looked down on his arm to find Katsuyu wiggling there.

“Katsuyu… sama? What’s going on? What are you doing here?” he asked groggily. Kakashi wiped his eyes and yawned before searching for traces of Sakura. As he awoke, Katsuyu slinked up his arm.

“Sakura has been taken,” she cried in panic. Katsuyu began to speak with no restraint in order to explain herself. “Masuyo knew who she was and he knows who you are too and he has a humming jutsu that somehow alters the flow of her chakra and he has some sort of binding thats sucking out her chakra and she asked me to regulate it but she’s weak and now he’s taking her to the compound over his shou--”

“What do you MEAN Sakura has been taken?” Kakashi roared in response, cutting her off rambling entirely. His eyes snapped wide open and suddenly his face was on fire. He felt a feverish shiver run through him, causing instant cold sweat to break out on his forehead. Adrenaline coursed through him and any drowsiness he’d had was gone in an instant. Without waiting for Katsuyu to respond, Kakashi hopped from the bed and sprinted towards the bedroom drawer. He crouched down and as soon as he opened his drawers, he felt Katsuyu folding into herself and noticed her feelers retracting as if she sensed danger.

“She left while you were sleeping. I’m so sorry Kakashi-sama, she instructed me not to say anything. She felt like you and Sasuke-sama were withholding information from her and would exclude her from the mission…”

Kakashi muttered curse words under his breath and the frustration slipped out of him as a groan, “And this is precisely the reason for it!” And as much as Kakashi wanted to reason his way through this, as much as he wanted Katsuyu, and by extension Sakura, to understand his reasons, he knew that it would be a futile endeavor. Sakura had been taken and the only way to go was forward so that he could get her back.

“Where the hell is Pakkun?” Kakashi growled as he tore his shirt off and hastily replaced it with a masked navy long sleeve. “Why wasn’t he aware of this? I thought he was patrolling? Why didn’t he alert me himself?!”

“Pakkun is following her trail as we speak,” Katsuyu replied hesitantly. “Sakura, she… she convinced him not to tell you…”

“God damnit, Pakkun!” Kakashi groaned, digging through the drawer to retrieve his battle pack. As he had pulled on his jonin pants and and wrapped his pack around his thigh, he thought about the thorough scolding that his companion deserved. Pakkun was _his_ contracted summons, not hers. He should have known better.

The gloves came last. Once he had slipped his fingers into each slot, Kakashi drew his thumb into his mouth and bit down harshly, immediately crouching onto the floor to slap his blood contract onto the wood. “Kuchiyose no jutsu!”

Beneath a cloud of smoke was the rest of the ninken pack: Bisuke, Akino, Bull, Urushi, Shiba, Uhei, and Guruko. Kakashi would spare no effort in retrieving Sakura, and that meant calling them all.

Immediately and without greeting, Kakashi’s eyes narrowed as he threw out his first instruction. “Akino, bring me my boots by the door. You and Bisuke will come with me. I need you to find Sasuke and bring me to him. He’s nearby. The rest of you will follow Pakkun and seek out Sakura’s trail. Head to the compound. You are instructed to attack if you perceive Sakura’s life to be in danger. Is that understood?”

The pack affirmed his instructions in various pitched barks and “Yes, boss!”

Bull ran towards the door, chomped onto the door handle, coating it with saliva, then pulled the door open, allowing for the pack to make their exit.

Akino swiftly brought Kakashi his shoes, and as Kakashi slipped them on, he couldn’t help but scold Sakura in his mind for being so stupid. He had known she was capable of going off on her own, he had even predicted it back when he initially made the decision to hide Sayuri’s death from her. Her actions were so distinctly the kind of moves Sakura would make, but Kakashi couldn’t bring himself to believe it had actually happened.

What was she thinking?

Even if Kakashi understood what it must’ve felt like to be excluded, Sakura had just proved them right by acting on her own, by putting herself in danger.

 _Damnit, Sakura!_ He thought inwardly, grinding his teeth as he reigned in the anger collecting in his chest. After he was done with Pakkun, she’d needed a thorough scolding when he retrieved her, and he wouldn’t hold back this time.

Yet despite his irritation with her, he couldn’t help but feel tremendously guilty. He had a reason for hiding Sayuri’s death, and he had even more of a reason to stop her from running into the compound. In the last mission report, the one sitting on the table, the one he hadn’t shared with Sakura, Naruto had revealed that there was a real, prominent reason for his unwillingness to send the team into the compound.

It turned out that months ago, Konohamaru’s team—including Sarada—had discovered a cave that housed a crazed, malformed White Zetsu, and even deeper into the cavern were traces of the God Tree, and even deeper, a mass of mindless, immobilized White Zetsu that Sasuke had wiped out through his Amaterasu. And on the walls of that cavern had been a strange symbol of a coin with nine circles within it—one they thought to have been the symbol for the Ōtsutsuki, warning those who survived the contents of the cave that they were coming back.

The file had revealed that this mission had been a scouting mission for a cavern like that one, to see if the threat of Zetsu, and potentially even a new Ōtsutsuki villain, was camping here on earth, and only Sasuke had been aware of the true mission from the start because only _he_ had the ability to sense the Ōtsutsuki chakra.

As he wrapped his pack around his thigh, Kakashi had wondered what the purpose was of keeping he, Sai, and Sakura in the dark for so long. Perhaps Naruto had figured that there was no point in sending his shinobi into a widespread panic without concrete evidence and a plan. Surely, news of active White Zetsu following the sudden dual-invasion of the recent chunin exams would cause rumors to fly about another war.

Up until now, most of the Ōtsutsuki scouting missions had been false leads, and even then, most of the shinobi were under the impression that this was a routine check for danger. That had been the case while he had been Hokage, but back then, the Kage were merely tasked with the collection and destruction of any remnants of the Ōtsutsuki.

Perhaps if he and Sakura had understood the true nature and dangerous circumstances of this particular mission, they would have taken this more seriously. Perhaps Sakura would have thought twice about trying to act on her own.

Sakura was smart enough to know that a real Ōtsutsuki threat was not something she or any of them could handle alone. Maybe he should have told her the moment he received the file from Sasuke’s hawk. Instead, because he couldn’t formulate a solid link between Masuyo and the Ōtsutsuki, he hid behind uncertainty and took a gamble with Sakura’s actions.

Pushing himself onto his feet, Kakashi ran out the door and whistled, urging his ninken to follow behind him. There was nothing he could do about it now except for move forward and end this mission.

“Katsuyu-sama,” he said, demanding her attention as he disappeared into the trees. “I need you to tell me everything. And I mean everything.”

* * *

Since the first casting of the mystery ninjutsu, ever since Masuyo had wrapped the strange vine around her wrist, Sakura had felt more and more of her strength and energy slipping away. She was finding it extraordinarily difficult to remain conscious, especially given Katsuyu’s decision to cool her body down to a near functionless temperature, slowing the flow of her chakra network and numbing everything else in her body.

To keep awake, Sakura tried her best to focus on her surroundings, to gather information as best she could to supply her team with _something_ , anything that made it seem like this solo venture wasn’t worthless.

With the bag over her head, Sakura couldn’t see anything, but she knew that she had been taken into a dark cavern. Hearing wasn’t necessarily one of her heightened skills, but because she had nothing else to focus on, she seemed able to pay extra attention to the sounds. She listened to every one of Masuyo’s footsteps, listened to the crunching sounds of gravel beneath his boots, listening for the kind of terrain, listening for any kind of description of her location.

Given the echo of Masuyo’s footsteps and the sound of rough pebbles crunching under his feet, Sakura was able to deduce that they were in some narrow passageway which she assumed led them to the main compound.

The thing that was bothering Sakura the most, however, was that sometimes, the crunching of pebbles and rocks did not seem to match with Masuyo’s footsteps. Sometimes, they would happen between his steps, and occasionally, they even seemed to be a few meters behind them.

She couldn’t quite put her finger on this strange observation nor could she explain it effectively. There were only two conclusions that could possibly make sense. The first option was that Sakura’s hearing was somehow affected by this mystery jutsu, and due to the incessant ringing noise perhaps Sakura was hearing delayed sounds. The second option, and the more frightening of the two, was that there was not just one pair of footsteps, there were two. It was possible that someone else was in the hallway with them, and the mystery presence was walking just a few steps behind Masuyo.

Yet each time Sakura struggled to lift her head, tug at her restraints, or shuffle the bag off of her head, the same high-pitched noise would sound, sending her body straight into debilitation, dizzying her, and causing her head to swing across Masuyo’s back.

She couldn’t confirm it. Her body was just too weak, and her mental speed wasn’t currently fast enough for her to make proper conclusions—not at this level of physical functionality.

But because she wanted the strange, high-pitched ringing to stop, Sakura figured early on that it’d be best not to resist in order to stop the incessant casting of the mystery ninjutsu, but her calculations fell short. Regardless of her attempts to break free or regain her footing, the ninjutsu would sound every few minutes.

There was one bright side to this experience, however, and it was another piece of evidence to show that there could’ve been someone else in the passage with them.

Each time the ninjutsu was cast upon her, she did not feel Masuyo weaving any hand signs, nor was the sound coming from his person.

No, Sakura felt that it had been coming from behind them, from this other person. The other conclusive indicator was that Masuyo had foolishly cleared his throat a few times, or inhaled deeply, or coughed during the ninjutsu duration.

It couldn’t have been him, right? Even if she was weak, the evidence just didn’t add up… she had to convince herself that she might have something.

But each time the ninjutsu would ring in her ears, she felt her body grow increasingly sluggish, everything within her slowing, especially with the additional effects of Katsuyu’s cooling technique. To an outsider, Sakura’s body must’ve seemed like it was approaching death; she was just so weak and had no incentive to spend anymore of her chakra. It wasn’t the right time.

 _“Sakura-sama,”_ said Katsuyu, awakening Sakura from her sluggishness. _“I’ve alerted Kakashi-sama. He’s summoned the ninken pack and is searching for Sasuke.”_

 _“Katsuyu-sama!”_ Sakura cried inwardly. _“You’re there!”_

_“Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t check in earlier… I was focused on trying to explain things to Kakashi-sama. It seems that the blockage on our connection fades away for a short amount of time in between castings.”_

_“Is he angry…?”_ she asked out curiosity, though Sakura already knew the answer. She didn’t care to think about the fading connection between them. All that mattered was that she had it, even if it were only for a short time.

_“I would say that he’s actually quite livid…”_

_“Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. Listen, I think there might be a second shinobi here. I’m not sure but I don’t want to take any chances. Tell them, and make sure you tell them about the ninjuts--”_

And then the piercing ringing came, and Katsuyu’s voice was gone. The tingling sensation, especially the concentrated area around her neck, did not disappear, however, and it was a comforting reminder that, although Katsuyu couldn’t speak to her for a few minutes, she was still right there with her.

But as Sakura’s body swung from side to side, as Masuyo’s shoulder lodged itself uncomfortably into her abdomen, as she listened to the sounds around her, another thought crossed Sakura’s mind.

Kakashi and Sasuke were prepared for the whistling genjutsu, or the humming one, rather, but they were not prepared for the mystery high-frequency noise. It was not a genjutsu, which Sasuke could easily break out of. It would alter the flow of chakra, possibly making it impossible for them to use any type of ninjutsu with ease. And had it not been for the strange dizzying effects of the ninjutsu, the men could have relied on their impeccable taijutsu… but not even that could help them here, not if they’d fall to the floor the moment the noise sounded.

 _What will they do?_ Sakura asked herself.

If she could just get out of this vine, if she could feign weakness for long enough to activate her byakugou and surprise her foes, maybe she could do something about it.

She just had to get out!

Her mind began mulling through various scenarios. She had kunai in her boots, but if she had no use of her hands, there was no way of using them. Maybe, when her team arrived, they’d just cut her loose… no, they’d be too angry that she ran in here without them and would likely toss her to the side until it was over… Maybe she could get Pakkun to chew her out, but even that was unlikely. It was possible that Kakashi was so mad over Pakkun’s insolence that he’d be too afraid to disobey Kakashi again…

 _“Sakura,”_ Katsuyu called again.

And suddenly, Sakura’s eyes widened. That was the answer! Her companion!

_“Listen to me, Katsuyu. As soon as Kakashi, Sasuke, and Pakkun arrive, I need you to somehow get another one of your physical bodies onto my skin. I need you to use your acid to burn off the vine! It’ll need to be strong. Don’t worry about it burning me, I’ll heal through it later!”_

That was it! Slugs were skilled in decomposing biogenic substances which meant that Katsuyu could definitely get her out of it. The discovery gave Sakura a bit of energy, invigorating her despite the life being sucked out of her through her wrists, yet the sudden surge of excitement caused a sudden rush of lightheadedness.

_“Yes, Sakura-sama, but please… focus on yourself right now. We need you to stay alert. Fainting would place you in a much more dangerous situation. Talk to Masuyo if it keeps you focused. Perhaps you can find more info--”_

The ringing returned but so had Sakura’s desire to flop over and give into the jutsu. Sakura’s arms were sore from being held up behind her. She could rely on the vine to hold her, but then it just dug uncomfortably into her wrists, and Masuyo’s shoulder was just so inhospitable.

But Katsuyu was right. She had to keep pushing forward for her safety, for the success of the mission.

“How… did you know?” Sakura croaked aloud, forcing herself to speak despite her bodily weakness. She was going to take Katsuyu’s advice. Talking might keep her awake, and she might discover something while she was at it.

Masuyo seemed to scoff in amusement before answering. “What do you mean?”

“How did you know who I was?”

“Ahh, that…” he hummed, chuckling once more before continuing. Sakura could feel every movement of his body as he carried her. “You looked familiar. I knew I had seen you before. Pink hair isn’t very common, you know… so when you were immune to my genjutsu, I knew you had to be the infamous Haruno Sakura from Konohagakure.”

 _Familiar?_ She asked herself. _How could he have known me?_

“You were the top medic during the Fourth Shinobi War, and I remember Hatake from the Commander Rally from the start of the war.”

Orochimaru had informed them that Masuyo was drafted in the war, and she remembered that he had been reported missing following its conclusion. Despite that, however, even if Sakura had some of this background information, she had to keep digging. She wanted to fill in the holes with information that only he could provide.

Besides, this was definitely helping her stay awake.

“Who are you?” she breathed out quietly, her questions materializing as a soft whisper. Her desire to learn definitely went beyond her bodily strength.

Masuyo laughed once more at Sakura’s questions. His shoulders jerked with every chortle, pressing into her abdomen.

“What is there to know?”

Sakura was silent.

Despite the strange kidnapping scenario, Masuyo maintained a pleasant air in his conversation. “All I will say is that someone like you couldn’t possibly understand a life lived with nothing but feelings of inadequacy… until now, that is.”

With this small piece of information, Sakura couldn’t help but offer a chuckle of her own. This man knew nothing about her, yet here he was assuming something enormously incorrect about her.

“Of course I do,” she laughed weakly.

“Is that so?” Masuyo responded bitterly, the friendliness in his voice gone. “Do you know what it feels like to watch everyone around you excelling while you wait on the sidelines? Do you know what it feels like to be useless while your comrades are doing everything they can?”

“I do,” she declared confidently, as powerfully as her body would allow. Sakura forced a little more energy into her response. “But I fought to overcome it. I didn’t let it consume me.”

“Nonsense,” he quipped back, raising a hand to tap her lightly on the back. “A well-known kunoichi like you could never understand. Just look at you. I’m surprised you’re still conscious and can even speak. Not that it matters anyway. Your life will soon be reduced to nothingness, just like the rest of us.”

‘Why are you doing this?” she asked, curious about what he meant by reducing her to nothingness. Surprisingly, the more he spoke, the less of a danger he seemed to her.

There was something about his questions, something about his mannerisms that told Sakura that Masuyo was just a man dying to be important, just like so many other misguided villains she’d encountered in the past. Masuyo’s desire, however, was different in that it seemed different to her in that he didn’t think he had the ability to become important, and was doing everything within his power to fix that.

It seemed like this was an ego-trip, which was unlike Madara and Danzo’s master plan for world dominion.

Given Masuyo’s silence, Sakura was under the impression that he wasn’t going to answer. Instead, he began to chuckle once more—this time, much more heartily, as though he was about to explain a fond memory rather than a painful one.

“The Infinite Tsukuyomi,” he said quietly, almost affectionately as if he were saying the name of a lover long gone. “When I was caught in that dream, I finally learned what it felt like to _matter_ to someone, to feel like I was a necessity rather than a burden.”

 _Bingo,_ Sakura thought to herself. This was all about inadequacy, not power. But what was this about the Infinite Tsukuyomi…? Sakura hoped that such an atrocious event would never be relevant ever again…

“I was happy. Who cares if I would have died in there? I wouldn’t have known the difference. The dream would have just… ended. And all of us would have stopped existing.”

And then Masuyo’s voice had a bite to it she’d never heard from him before, a rabid beast waiting to be unleashed. “And then that fucking _husband_ of yours had to go in and END IT. Fucking Uchihas. Who the hell do they think they are to just _give_ us what we’d all been dreaming of and then snatch it away at their whim?!”

Sakura listened intently, ensuring not to interrupt him because seemed to be immersed in his emotions on the topic. She couldn’t help but cringe at the mention of the whims of the Uchiha… He was so mistaken. Sasuke had _saved_ everyone. It was Madara who acted on his own whims.

“When the war ended, I was destroyed. I had lived an entire lifetime within the pod only to awaken into the wretched life I had in this reality… so I became in awe of the Ōtsutsuki, the inhuman beings capable of erecting such a force like the God Tree and the Juubi.”

 _I thought you blamed that on the Uchihas_ , Sakura thought to herself, pointing out the flaws in his logic. He seemed to be pinning everything on Sasuke yet ignoring the involvement of Madara and Obito. Instead, only the _bad_ could be blamed on the Uchiha in his eyes, and all he understood was the horrific potential of the Ōtsutsuki.

“While each of the villages were distracted by collecting their living and dead from the pods, I went back collecting the pods themselves. The scraps, just like the one you have on your wrist.”

 _What!?_ Sakura asked herself in panic. She understood now—the reason her body was losing strength. The God Tree collected the life force and chakra of the people it touched.

 _“Are you hearing this, Katsuyu-sama?”_ Sakura asked in her mind, hoping that the connection was active given the neglect of his ninjutsu maintenance.

_“Yes, I’m listening…”_

“I decided to nurture the scraps I had collected—to try and keep them alive. At first, like the fool I was, I tried to fertilize it and water it like an earthly plant, and then I had remembered that the pods encased _people_ , killing them slowly as time passed. I realized then that the only answer must be blood… so I started feeding it _my_ blood. Each time I fed my beloved tree, I felt it pulsing with energy!”

Sakura started to feel sick to her stomach. While Masuyo spoke with increasing excitement, she noticed that the ninjutsu had not sounded. Perhaps there wasn’t another person after all. Perhaps Masuyo was just so distracted in his discourse that he had forgotten to cast it. But even without the ninjutsu, Sakura began to feel shivers coursing through her at the thought of this misinformed man cutting himself just to provide nutrients to scraps of the God Tree.

The tree didn’t feed on _just_ the blood of it’s victims, it fed on their life and energy.

What a poor, misguided man he truly was—everything about his life, about his perception of the war, the Infinite Tsukuyomi, the Ōtsutsuki, the Uchihas, and now his understanding of the God Tree and its legend were faulty. He misunderstood everything. He was the embodiment of inadequacy.

And from there, Sakura’s thoughts began spiraling—what if he thought his blood wasn’t enough?

But if he was killing people and giving their blood to the God Tree, _why_ was he targeting artists in Takumi?

Sakura wondered if she’d be able to get these answers out of him, but as if he could read her mind, he continued to speak using a silvery, pleasant tone, answering the questions she had posed to herself. “When the Ōtsutsuki returned during the chuunin exams, I was finally able to witness their true power. That event was televised in all five nations—everyone could see their power. And that’s when I saw it! Seeds! The Gods _ate_ chakra, ninjutsu! The god named Momoshiki even ate his own dying partner! They’ll eat everything! Oh, you couldn’t believe how thankful I was for that silly scientist Katasuke for filming everything!”

Masuyo laughed once more, and she wondered just how far he was willing to go to explain himself. She must’ve hit a nerve within him when attempting to explain that she understood inadequacy too—just not like this. And he must have been so incredibly excited to share his plan with someone who understood the important elements. A normal civilian would never have understood something like this without having seen the treachery of the Ōtsutsuki themselves.

Masuyo began to cackle in mad delirium. If she hadn’t known before, she now understood that he was absolutely insane, not just inadequate and desperate.

“You must be wondering, ‘W _hy artists? Why me?’”_ Sakura could tell that he was smiling as he presented these questions. “The pods wouldn’t be enough with just my blood, you see, oh no! The tree, no, the Gods need _meat_. They need blood. They need ‘fruit’ like me, like Sayuri, like Itsuki… artists who live their lives full of passion. Passion like theirs, like mine! What could be a more nutritious and more appropriate meal for our extraordinary Gods than _passion?!_ ”

There it was. Sakura’s heart plummeted straight to her stomach and she swore she was going to begin retching right then and there. He’d said _meat_ … and Sakura didn’t want to know—or didn’t want to confirm rather—what this foolish madman meant by that.

She felt her tongue sticking out of her open mouth, felt the salivation collecting at the back of her throat, she felt her chest preparing to heave—right then and there in the sack over her head. Yet as if on cue, Sakura began to feel an intense coolness collecting in her throat and in her stomach, stopping all progress of her heaving.

“I need to provide the Gods with the perfect fruit, the perfect meal for when they return, and when they _do_ return to our measly planet, I will have something to offer them. I’ll be a piece of their great plan for this world!”

Suddenly, however, Sakura caught a whiff of the distinct scent of old, coagulating blood. She couldn’t help but audibly gag right then and there.

 _No,_ she thought in a panic, _it couldn’t be. Sayuri’s body is NOT here… Itsuki is NOT dead!!!_

Masuyo, however, just continued laughing in sheer mad amusement as she dry heaved over his shoulder. He was enjoying Sakura’s physical reaction to his words. She had seen so many dead bodies throughout her career, she’d felt life slip away right in her own bloody hands, she’d killed shinobi in battle, she’d seen fields littered with shinobi corpses, but this was different… This was simply fanatical murder of innocent, defenseless civilians.

No one could be this insane, this ridiculously misguided, so beyond misinformed. Madara and Danzo, and any other villain she’d encountered, at least made _sense_ despite their selfishness! They were just selfish! But Masuyo… Masuyo was a new caliber of villainy. He was absolutely and without question lost to his own feelings of inadequacy. It was like a sickness that he could not cure himself of. He was mad.

“And _you_ , the lovely Uchiha Sakura, the wife of the foolish Uchiha Sasuke, the man who broke us out of our destined end, will be the tree’s first true shinobi meal. Passion and enormous chakra together? What a treat you will be for them! Ahahaha! Until now, I’d never been able to procure a true shinobi! I outsmarted a jonin—two jonin!! A former hokage!! Just to get them this meal. Yes, the Ōtsutsuki will be pleased!”

Suddenly, Masuyo tossed Sakura off of his shoulder. The sudden movement in conjunction with her weakened body sent her back into full-fledged nausea. Her body flew, dragging and scraping against the wet, cold, coarse floor, cutting her arms and legs as she slid across the ground. Sakura could not use her arms to push herself up. She lay on the floor face down, her chin scraped through the holed fabric just like the rest of her. Instead, she pulled her knees under her, and used her chin to level herself before sitting up through her abdominal muscles.

She began to feel the tinge of mint spreading around her the various new scraps and cuts, but Sakura had to stop it.

_“Don’t heal me, Katsuyu-sama, it’ll be too obvious if all of my injuries disappear. It’s okay, I can handle it. They’re just shallow cuts.”_

The scent of blood was stronger than ever, and Sakura found herself almost _praying_ that this man would not remove the sack over her head. She was afraid what she would see if he did. She was afraid of seeing the bodies, seeing the collection of pods, seeing something so utterly twisted and gruesome—the thought caused adrenaline, fear, rage, despair to course through her in a tsunami of emotions.

Of course, Masuyo did the exact thing she was hoping he wouldn’t do and yanked the bag off of her head with a low, rumbling laugh.

“Look,” he spoke softly, once again, speaking in absolute adoration of the scenery around him. “Look at the masterpieces that surround you!”

It took Sakura a moment for her eyes to adjust within the dark cavern, yet slowly, the shadows of various-shaped rock pillars formed in her vision, each of them displaying something different and sickening.

There was one object atop one of the pillars that she thought she recognized in the dark… Upon a tall stone pillar, displayed over her foldable tabletop easel, was Sayuri’s last painting… The one in which she depicted herself trapped behind some sort of glass wall, telling the world that the real her was hidden within her somehow.

But it wasn’t _just_ her painting—no. There was a new addition. Across the pillar and canvas were splatters of dark, deep, thick, running, coagulating coats of browned blood. Sayuri’s blood. And resting beneath it was a thick tuft of rubber-banded silvery-purple hair drenched in the same thick, disgusting liquid.

“Oh my god,” Sakura muttered, dry-heaving off to the side when the crime against Sayuri finally registered within her. Nothing but spit and bile was escaping her.

“Ah… yes. You should have seen Sayuri _change_ as I slowly sucked all of the passion out of her. And then the passion that returned when she tried to flee for her life from the man she thought she loved!!! And you should have seen the rage on Itsuki’s face when I _showed_ him that his beloved Sayuri was dead!”

Once again, Masuyo burst into a mad cackle. Sakura felt everything in her body go tense and she felt her hands balling into fists within the restraints of the vine. She began to breathe heavily. Her eyesight seemed to blur a vivid red from the realization that she’d been too late for Itsuki too. As she panted, she looked up in wide-eyed panic, observing what lay displayed on the other pillars.

But Masuyo was one step ahead of her, following her eyesight and making his rounds around each pillar with renewed excitement and fervor.

“Look here!” he called to her, beckoning her attention with his hand. His eyes were wide open in excited hysteria, his pupils appearing small in the white space. “See this?” he asked, sounding like a child wanting to show a parent a piece of artwork. “The Zenhichi boy! A marvelous potter! Look how the blood just _pooled_ magnificently within his own work!” Masuyo picked up the large, wide-mouthed pottery and tipped it over so that Sakura could see the contents.

Then he circled his way over to another pillar, lifting up a brown, leather-bound notebook. He held it up and flipped through the bloodied pages in rapid speed. “Look here! Itsuki-kun’s sketch book—ah yes, it was filled to the brim with romantic doodles of his dream life with Sayuri! What a boy! So idealistic! So in love!”

He laughed again, swiping his arm across air to showcase the other pillars that were peppered throughout the room, their artwork—pottery, woodworking, carvings, paintings, books—rotting with the blood of their owner.

Sakura finally found the nerve to speak, recovering from her shock after all this time. “You’re… a monster… you’re insane!” she shrieked angrily. Even if she tried to explain just how much he misunderstood the God Tree, that a fruit is only produced _once_ every one thousand years, how futile and insane his plan was, none of it would matter. It wouldn’t break through to him, and it wouldn’t bring back the handful of people whose remains were in this very sickening room.

And then she saw it. In the back corner of the room, behind all of the pillars was a collection of what looked like rotting bark covered in slimy gunk. As her eyesight focused on it, she swore she could see a withered foot sticking out from between the folds, swore she could see large, heaping chunks of flesh peppered across the disgusting pods.

And she swore she heard ringing again, but this time, the ringing wasn’t from the jutsu. It was from the sheer disbelief and disgust of what she was seeing before her. It was from shock.

She understood now. It _was,_ in fact, remnants of the God Tree. She could sense it too at this distance, just like Sasuke had warned them of. The nefarious Ōtsutsuki aura _was_ here, because the pods were simply there, active, yet holding onto a pulsing hunger that ultimately amounted to nothing. It simply stored energy, but the pods had nothing to channel its collected chakra to. They were just disgusting stores of wasted energy.

“Are you ready, Uchiha Sakura?” Masuyo asked threateningly, approaching her from the side as his mad cackling ceased and a dangerous look spread across his face. “Are you ready to become the prized offering to the Ōtsutsuki Gods?”

Yet before Sakura could answer, she heard the high-pitched ninjutsu sound, her ears burning from the noise, her brain feeling as though it would shatter from it. She felt her chakra flicker within her, causing her to inhale in ragged breaths. She fell over then, just like she always had when the sound came. As she lost balance, Masuyo’s heel made contact once more with her temple, sending her to the ground with a loud grunt and a thud. And as the dizziness took over, all she could hear was the sound of Katsuyu’s voice yelling her name, fading into the silent ringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serious props to Nyxako and TipsyRaconteur for being the best betas of all time. I don't know if I would have made it this far -- especially into mission shit -- without them.
> 
> FUN FACT: I came up with this idea of using the remnants of the God Tree before a similar idea aired on Boruto. I remember when I saw the episode where Konohamaru's team found a cave with the tree and White Zetsu, I was like MAN! Studio Pierot should just hire me and I complained to kakashisgf about it. She told me I should put it in an A/N somewhere, so here it is. I couldn't say anything when it first aired because I wasn't even close to the mission resolution. But we're finally here! Now, instead of being bitter about it, I've decided to just merge canon with my ideas. I was trying to go for realism and an alternate canon storyline anyway. :P


	44. Equilibrium

The room was spinning in circles, her vision was shaky, her breathing staggered. Despite that, Sakura fought her body to pull herself off of the floor, using every bit of her abdominal strength to sit up, attempting to keep steady.

All it took, however, was the lightest of kicks to send her back to the floor. As her skin dragged across the coarse stone, she felt new scratches opening on her arms and legs.

She looked up at Masuyo with an unsteady glance, threatening him with her voice alone. "Just try it," Sakura warned him, but the taunt only further served to provoke him.

His eyes widened, his smile spread, his teeth shimmered in the dim light as if she were a meal to be devoured. That one look was enough to show her that Masuyo had absolutely snapped. He wasn't of clear mind. He was too consumed by the prospect of successfully capturing a well-known shinobi, by the potential of her death, that he was not keeping himself aware of his surroundings, nor the sloppy demeanor in which he captured his victims.

In this moment, the man before her was not a shinobi. He was not the intelligent, smooth-talking mastermind that the weeks prior had lead her to believe. He was simply a desperate man looking frantically for scraps of meaning in this world.

And because of this, as her vision and thoughts began to stabilize, she knew that this battle would not be as treacherous as Sasuke made it seem. Because she had run head first into the lion's den, she knew more than they did, and she was steadily calculating the ways in which she would overcome these obstacles.

Though her vision was spinning and her nausea was rampant, she could see Masuyo stretching his lecherous arms out toward her. He knelt beside her, the grin never leaving his face, and he slipped an arm underneath her knees, the other underneath her constricted arms, holding her bridal style as if he were planning to walk her past the threshold of life and death.

As he held her, Sakura thought that he was so foolishly unaware of his surroundings. All she had to do was wait. Kakashi and Sasuke were coming, and although she couldn't sense them, she  _ could _  sense Katsuyu. Her pact with the slug transcended normal chakra sensors, even if they were attempting to hide it, and because of her contract, she could sense that they were finally close.

Suddenly, however, instead of the arrival of her expected comrades, she heard something else. It was the distinct sound of a pack of canine barking and clawing at the flimsy door on the far side of the room—a different entrance from the one she and Masuyo had come in from.

Just as Masuyo's grin was wiped away and had been replaced with a snarl, Bull burst through the rickety wood, sending the pack straight into the compound. As they ran in, she heard Pakkun barking out her name. In response, Masuyo clutched onto Sakura's body as if it were a prized possession, something that he feared losing.

The dogs came running, barking madly, wildly, threateningly, knocking over various pillars of artwork and latching themselves onto his legs with the rage and fury of an animal in attack mode.

"Graahhh!" Masuyo howled as the dogs clamped onto his legs. She felt him kicking all around him, trying to shake the fiends off to no avail.

He would find no success in doing so, Sakura thought, not if he was unwilling to put her down.

"Please," Sakura croaked to Pakkun, seeing the pug jumping at Masuyo’s feet. But really, her message was for any of them willing to act. "The vine on my wrists... get it off. I need… Katsuyu!"

And in response, Bull reached up with ease, sliding her wrist into his mouth to start gnawing on the vine. But just as quickly as it had happened, Bull whimpered and disappeared into a puff of smoke, leaving only a film of spit on her wrists.

"Hahahah!" Masuyo laughed in amusement. "It's no use, Sakura-san! The moment they touch that vine, their chakra will be sucked away!" Sakura felt Masuyo's body wracking with laughter as he continued to hold her, kick away the dogs surrounding them. Then, there was an alarming switch in his tone. "HIT THEM WITH THE JUTSU, DAMNIT!" Masuyo bellowed angrily, and as if on cue, there was an explosion by the door. All heads turned toward the noise to see a shock of black fire and purple electricity, widening the entrance as two figures came running in.

"Kakashi! Sasuke!" Sakura called out as Masuyo laughed harder and tossed her body to the side. She went flying, knocking over Zenhichi's pottery in her trajectory before making contact with the hard floor.

"Sakura!" She heard Kakashi yelling for her, but in that same moment, she knew the sound jutsu was coming and she had little time. Her teammates were not prepared for this fight and she could not allow them to leave her sitting on the side.

"Pakkun!! Bring me Katsuyu!!" Sakura yelled out, ignoring Kakashi’s concern for her.

The dog set into a sprint instantly, but he only made it so far before the ninjutsu sounded, knocking the entire team off balance, dropping them to their knees in an attempt to catch their bearings. But the summoned animals could not handle the jutsu; the high-pitched noise was ear-shattering to their sensitivities, the chakra obstruction too much for their small bodies. And in an instant, all of the dogs across the field vanished into a puff of smoke, gone before they could even contribute.

Like everyone else on the floor, Sakura's body swayed from side-to-side amidst her attempt to sit up, deep in the folds of another bout of extreme dizziness and weakness.

This time, however, she felt adrenaline coursing through her. The concern she felt for Kakashi and Sasuke overpowered the weakness she felt in her body. Despite the dizziness, Sakura found herself able to push herself upright so that she could see Kakashi and Sasuke fighting to get their bodies up.

The men were in battle mode. Sasuke had released his Susano'o, encasing his body in a translucent purple phantom, but due to the hindering chakra effects of the ninjutsu, Sakura watched as it flickered away and dispersed. Even the sharingan had flared for but a moment before it faded back into the depths of his black eye. She could faintly make out the deep creases in Sasuke's brow as he reacted in utter confusion, bewildered without the use of his body or his chakra. On the other hand, Kakashi's arms were sparking with purple bolts of electricity, only for it to flicker and disperse too.

"Our chakra," Sasuke squinted, seeming somewhat pained by his own confusion on the matter.

Kakashi held himself up on his arm, steadying himself unsuccessfully, gritting his teeth as he attempted to analyze the situation. "Whatever he's doing is hindering our chakra flow. This wasn't on the mission report, Sasuke. Orochimaru said  _ genjutsu _ ."

Sasuke did not respond to Kakashi's musing, and only attempted to force himself back onto his feet. Yet as soon as his attempt was made, another piercing screech of the sound jutsu rang, causing both men for flop over onto to the floor, holding their heads in pain.

Sakura, however, was successfully able to use the wall behind her as a stabilizer and because of it, her body did not sway from the latest ninjutsu casting. Instead, her vision shook, but as she was unmoving, she was able to see more clearly than she’d been able to throughout her captivity.

Masuyo's laughter began to permeate the room, and in that instant, Sakura felt a new sense of urgency. She had to do something, and she sure as hell understood more about this situation than they did. Her eyes flew to the spot that Pakkun disappeared from, frantically searching for Katsuyu on the floor. She spotted her small figure instantly; Katsuyu, who knew the plan, had not stopped slithering over to Sakura once the battling had begun. She was close now, if only Sakura could just reach out for her... but the vines would not allow such a movement. She only needed just a few more minutes before Katsuyu reached her and she wondered briefly why the ninjutsu didn’t affect Katsuyu.

Because there was no further action she could take without drawing attention to herself, Sakura took time to observe the situation. She looked back at her comrades to find them both incapacitated and helplessly watching Masuyo approach them.

The smirk on Masuyo’s face was certainly telling—he was amused by the power dynamic. He strolled toward them with no particular urgency, dragging his boots across the ground with every step. "Can you imagine?" he howled in laughter. " _ THREE _  famous shinobi in my keeping! And it sounds like you heard about my genjutsu... but I'm not such a fool to try and put Uchiha Sasuke, the infamous wielder of the Sharingan, under genjutsu! Ahahaha!"

Sasuke snarled and spat at Masuyo’s feet. Sakura watched him grit his teeth and spit out the words, "Amaterasu!" but nothing materialized from his eye when he called for it, not even a flicker of red.

Yet in that very moment, Katsuyu called out for her internally, _  "Sakura-sama, I'm near enough. Can you maneuver yourself forward so that I can move up the wall and onto your arms?" _

_ "Yeah, I'll try my best." _

Sakura took a deep breath, preparing herself for the high possibility of falling flat on her face, and leaned slightly forward. The weight of her head combined with the dizziness almost led her to fall over, but she held her breath through it and clenched every muscle within her abdomen to stop herself from toppling. As she stabilized herself, she held her arms directly against the cold stone wall. Once she made contact with the wall, Sakura could feel the cold sensation of Katsuyu's moist body on her fingertips. With every inch of Katsuyu's arrival, she felt a surge of hope within her—it was time to put her speculation into practice.

_ "Sakura-sama, _ " Katsuyu warned.  _ "My acid will burn through your skin... but I'll try to mitigate some of the damage with my healing. Now that there is a larger piece of me on your body, I can do more than what I have been doing. As soon as the bark is burned off, I'll heal you and release the protective barrier on the chakra above your neck. Ready?" _

_ "I'm ready, Katsuyu-sama! Let's get this over with!" _

In hardly a moment, Sakura began to feel the extraneous oozing of Katsuyu's slime. She felt it collecting over her skin, felt Katsuyu flinging it onto the vine restricting her arms, and within seconds, she felt the intense burn of the acid.

"Ahhh..." Sakura whined quietly, attempted to restrain her cries of pain. She gritted her teeth and tried to regulate her breathing. It would be over soon, she just had to bear through it.

But the more acid Katsuyu produced, the more it burned, and the more she could smell her own flesh and blood melting behind her.

_ God... _  Sakura thought to herself.  _ Ugggggghhhh!!! _

_ "I'm sorry, Sakura-sama! We're almost there!" _

_ "I can take it! It just… tchhhh!" _

_ “Just so you know,” _  Katsuyu answered, likely in an attempt to distract Sakura from the pain.  _ “Slugs don’t have ears like canines do. We feel vibrations. That’s why I’m not affected by the jutsu like the rest of you are.” _

Sakura smirked for a moment, thankful for the anatomy of a slug, and then looked up to see Kakashi glancing between her and Masuyo's approaching figure. She wondered if he was curious: was he hoping she could act or was he afraid that something was happening to her? Thinking about the situation, she was sure that the look of pain was not something she so easily hid, especially when Katsuyu was literally burning off layers of her epidermis.

But Katsuyu promised that she was just a moment away.

_ "Sakura, it's almost ready. Are you able to pull at the vine? I think we're far enough that just a bit of pressure will cause it to snap." _

Sakura tugged at her restraints as instructed. She gritted her teeth and used every bit of energy within her to pull harshly. The coated slime made it slippery, it made the tugging a bit harder and caused the vine to dig into the open, burning wounds around her wrist, but she groaned quietly to herself, swinging her head down and pulling tightly just before the vine snapped and tumbled to the floor.

As soon as it was off, Sakura felt her energy returning to her. A sea of mint spread across her body, particularly around the wrists to heal the broken skin, and the concentration around her neck dissipated as the chakra began to flow freely from the points in her head to every deprived point in her lower body. She inhaled deeply as her fists opened and closed, felt her bodily strength returning, and felt the energy surging through her. And despite Katsuyu’s minty chakra, Sakura felt warmth returning to each limb, flushing her cheeks with life.

Alerted by the surge of chakra behind him, Masuyo hastily turned to find Sakura pulling herself to her feet. His eyes darted toward the floor in search of the vine. Sakura saw the surprise register in his eyes the moment he realized her restraints had been removed.

"How did you—?!" he cried, but in that same moment, the ninjutsu sounded, and Sakura dropped to her knee.

There was something  _ different  _ this time around. Yes, she lost balance. Yes, her chakra flickered. Yes, it was likely that she could not use any offensive ninjutsu, but she was stronger, more aware, her chakra free to roam and find the source of her imbalance. What the ninjutsu could  _ not _  prevent, was the regulation of her own body, the monitoring of her own health. What the ninjutsu could  _ not _  do was steal the chakra stores she had collected within the fine point of her forehead. Now, Katsuyu was actively assisting in regulating her body, and Sakura could feel her own chakra pooling in two very specific places within her.

Her ears.

Sakura stood up straight, smirking triumphantly, entirely empowered by her discovery. She raised her chin proudly as all three men, Kakashi, Sasuke, and Masuyo, stared at her in absolute wonder, confused as to how she could manage to stand despite the incapacitating effects of the ninjutsu.

The scene, however, was reminiscent of one thing: the fight in which Kaguya was manipulating gravity. As she felt the chakra pooling in her ears, felt the minty warm healing of both her chakra and Katsuyu's chakra combined, Sakura realized that this was actually nothing like that gravitational pull.

No.

She couldn't help the grin that spread devilishly across her face, warning him of the revelation she had just had, of the danger to come his way now that she'd figured him out.

This was bodily equilibrium.

The ninjutsu sent its victims into extreme vertigo, offset by an imbalance of inner ear fluids, and  _ she _ , as one of the strongest living medical kunoichi in the realm, was Masuyo's worst enemy.

Sakura even laughed as her eyes met her opponent. Masuyo stared at her incredulously, bewildered by not only her ability to be unaffected by his genjutsu, but her newly discovered ability to heal past the vertigo.

Why hadn't she noticed it before? Because Katsuyu had been defending everything from the neck up. Their attention had focused entirely on keeping her conscious, on protecting the byakugou. But now that her chakra was flowing freely throughout her body, there was nothing distracting her from tracking the way the ninjutsu affected her.

"Sakura," Sasuke hissed from the floor, clearly upset by his own inability to overcome the ninjutsu. "Get us up! Now!"

"No," she declared confidently. Sasuke and Kakashi were no match for this battle. The amount of taijutsu and ninjutsu that they had acquired throughout the years meant  _ nothing  _ if they couldn't regulate their own imbalance. And due to the way the imbalance of fluids affected her chakra balance when the ninjutsu hit, not even Sakura could heal through it alone; she needed Katsuyu to make up for the loss of chakra, to assist in her own healing process.

"Sakura!" Sasuke hissed, hoping perhaps that anger would convince her somehow.

"Sakura, let us help you. Don't fight this battle alone!" Kakashi called out, joining in to try and convince her.

"You can't even fight!" she snapped, never looking away from Masuyo, who stood frozen in place in front of the men. "This is  _ my _  battle," Sakura concluded darkly, releasing her byakugou, feeling the epic surge of strength and the hot chakra wrap around every limb in her body.

She swore that she saw a momentary glimpse of fear in Masuyo’s eyes before Sakura's arm cocked back, and her arm swung toward the floor, causing the rocks beneath her to break, opening a trembling crevice that branched in Masuyo's direction.

The floor crumbled like sand beneath her hands. The earth simply succumbed to her fists, and oh did it feel so good to have the upper hand in this battle.

As Masuyo was distracted by the crumbling earth beneath him, Sakura found an advantage. Her feet moved without thought, her feet hopping across the quaking rocks. She raised a fist and drew it back, channeled a stream of chakra towards them, readying herself to let her punches fly.

But as she glided through the room, her eyes were drawn to Masuyo’s hands as he readied a snap. When the sound left his fingers, the ninjutsu activated. This time, however, Sakura could feel an even greater difference in the way the ninjutsu affected her. Not only did she have Katsuyu supplying the loss of chakra from the ninjutsu, but the byakugou pulsed and fed whatever chakra Masuyo attempted to stall within her.

Instead of flying towards her target, the vertigo caused her to dig her heels into the ground, stopping her progress. Although she had Katsuyu to aid her in healing, Sakura had to work with her, and channeled warm healing chakra into her ears. It was at that moment that Sakura realized she could not go on the offensive and heal at the same time. She’d be in defense for at least a few seconds, and then she’d have only so long before Masuyo cast the jutsu again.

But then Sakura realized—Masuyo had  _ snapped _  his fingers. It was action that he had used to prompt the ninjutsu that she had not seen before, effectively confirming that there  _ must _  be someone else in the room casting it.

Her eyes scanned the room, and as Sakura felt that her healing had been completed, she charged into a run again. This other person was protecting Masuyo, working under his command. If she wanted to draw the other shinobi into the open, going after Masuyo before the caster recovered was the only way.

“Aaaaahhhhh!” Sakura cried out as she charged toward Masuyo. His brows furrowed as she approached him and his knees bent into a battle stance. He raised his arms as if to ready himself for action, but his eyes said it all—he was afraid. He could not hide the years of inexperience in battle because his expression revealed his hesitancy.

Once Sakura was close enough, her arm swung back, shoulder tensed to steady her aim. It would happen now, she told herself. His protector would have to reveal himself, and as her fist shot forward, Masuyo put his arms up in a defensive stance. But Sakura’s hand was faster. Instead of punching him, she went through the opening of his arms and gripped his throat before lifting him off of the ground.

A volley of kunai came between them, causing Sakura to let go of Masuyo’s neck and skip backwards while pulling a kunai out of her boot.

Her eyes shifted momentarily before settling back on Masuyo. She watched him rub at his throat as she barked out a command.

“Sasuke!” she called out automatically, out of habit for his skill set. Typically, his visual prowess was the strongest in the group. “Where did the shuriken come from?”

But Sasuke didn’t answer her question. The sound of his voice was thick with irritation, likely due to his inability to contribute. Being a spectator was not a role that Uchiha Sasuke was accustomed to. “Get me up, Sakura!”

Yet before Sakura could express her annoyance with his tendency to overlook her, a smooth laugh cut through the room, one more calm and collected than Masuyo’s had been.

“It’s no use,” the male voice said coolly, and Sakura’s eyes darted around the room seeking the source of it. There was something about it… and it seemed to be bouncing around the stone room, coming from the expanse of shadows. “She can’t heal you faster than I can keep you down… maybe herself paired with that damn slug of hers, but not you…”

Finally, the voice was concentrated in one corner of the room, behind Masuyo and closer to mound of disgusting mound of bloody bark.

Sakura found herself squinting… that voice. She knew it. And as she furrowed her brow, attempting to make out the form emerging from the shadows, the figure made its way into the light.

She saw his blue eyes first, glittering in the darkness like a predator attempting to draw in its prey. And as he walked into the faint lighting of the room, Sakura made out the faded gray sound uniform, his waist wrapped in a tattered green sash. His brown, wavy hair was tucked securely beneath an aged sound headband with a scratch through it.

She gasped, her heart dropping to her feet at the recognition.

“Yuuto,” she uttered in disbelief, the sound of his name now salted by the feeling of utter betrayal coursing through her chest. “Y-you’re… part of this?”


	45. The Medical Prodigy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there was any one chapter that destroyed my desire to write ever again... it was this one lmao. Remind me to never write about missions ever again. Thanks for all your reviews guys! You have kept me going while this fight drained everything out of me. This one chapter took an entire month to write, and I can usually bang out a chapter in a day or two. Also, surprise! Yuuto is evil. Doot, doot, doot...
> 
> Thank you so much to Orlha, Nyxako, and TipsyRaconteur for beta'ing the shit out of this and checking my fight scenes. You are real ones.

****_ Long-term infiltration missions are really a burden _ , Kakashi thought to himself as he tried to make sense of the situation. He watched the scene unfold from his knees as he attempted to stabilize his sight. Due to his shaky vision, he wasn’t able to recognize the newly arrived shinobi until he heard Sakura utter her classmate’s name in disbelief. 

“Yuuto… y-you’re part of this?” Sakura spoke heavily, the shock in her voice causing him to feel more guilt over the situation. As surprised as Kakashi had been to find out Yuuto played a role in this scheme, Kakashi couldn’t imagine the kind of feelings Sakura must’ve been going through and he hated that he hadn’t been able to prevent it somehow.

Kakashi wondered how he could have missed this detail. He had looked over the mission report numerous times, had sifted repeatedly through the experiment profiles that Orochimaru provided him, yet none of them seemed to match Yuuto’s physical description or abilities… but then again, even Masuyo had outgrown the profile written up for Shi. It wouldn’t have been hard for him to change his physical appearance—not with common brown hair like his.

He gritted his teeth and used his arms to keep himself balanced, but he couldn’t raise himself from the floor without falling over. He was working to understand the mystery ninjutsu too, though it seemed that Sakura had already figured it out.

Yuuto had said that Sakura could heal  _ herself  _ even under the effects of the ninjutsu, but that she couldn’t heal  _ them _ fast enough… which meant it had to be a bodily affliction. That meant that they were playing in Sakura’s field of expertise, and although Sasuke and Kakashi had individually tried their best to keep Sakura away from the resolution of this mission, he now understood that they would’ve been in deep trouble without her.

But  _ could _ she make it past her emotional involvement or would her emotional involvement cause her to act carelessly?

That question had yet to be answered, and Kakashi couldn’t help but feel as though she were leaning towards the latter.

“Haruna,” Yuuto chuckled darkly, finally responding to Sakura’s recognition of him. “Or should I say Sakura?”

With a few more blinks, Kakashi’s vision stopped shaking and he could now see the look of utter betrayal and confusion on Sakura’s face. Her turbulent green eyes seemed as though they were shifting back and forth between hurt and anger. He saw her grip loosen around her kunai as though she were entirely disarmed by this news, but her body grew tense as she watched him step out of the shadows.

“You’re part of this, Yuuto?” she asked. The sound of her voice made it seem as though she were begging for it not to be true.

“I guess you could say that,” Yuuto laughed in response, shrugging his shoulders as a smirk creeped across his face. “I tried to get you out of this, didn’t I? I tried to tell you not to interfere, but you didn’t listen, did you, Sakura-san?”

This was news to Kakashi. Sakura had never informed him that Yuuto had a conversation like that with her. She never indicated that anyone thought she was meddling too much, or even that she suspected that someone might know she was a kunoichi. 

It seemed as though Kakashi and Sasuke were not the only ones keeping secrets about this mission. Because Sakura was the most involved member of the team, she had control of the information she shared. That was a novel concept to him—he didn’t consider the possibility that she had been keeping secrets until Katsuyu had awoken him with the news of Sakura’s capture.

“What about your business with your father?” she asked, arguing with him, indicating to Kakashi that they were much closer than Kakashi had known. 

“All bullshit,” Yuuto shrugged. “I was just saying shit to get close to you. To observe you. To get you to back off somehow, but you wouldn’t listen.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sakura screamed, flinging her arms behind her. “Are you saying you were trying to  _ save _ me? That you didn’t want me to die like…”

And then she paused. Horror registered on her face as her eyes widened. 

“You…” she began, shaking her head from side to side as if to reject her thoughts. “Sayuri… and Itsuki…?”

Kakashi didn’t understand what she was attempting to imply, but Yuuto seemed to comprehend, and his smirk widened into a grin as a scoff left him. “And sensei too.”

“You killed them? All three of them?” she asked breathlessly. It seemed as though she might drop to her knees at any moment. This was the first that Kakashi had heard of Itsuki’s death, but it was clear to him that Sakura had discovered this before he had arrived.

“No,” Yuuto dismissed, his eyes shifting momentarily towards Masuyo who was still rubbing at his neck as he crouched on the floor, impatiently waiting for the resolution of this conversation. “Masuyo did all of that. I just acted as his eyes and as his back-up method for incapacitation. I didn’t want it to go this far with you. I knew it wouldn’t be wise to fight a world-class medical kunoichi like you, yet here we are.”

_ So they knew, _ Kakashi thought to himself. He wondered for how long their disguises had failed them.

“But why sensei…? She tried to  _ stop  _ Itsuki—I don’t understand!” Sakura cried.

“She had to go the moment she handed you that note and betrayed her role as an instructor.”

_ A note? _ Kakashi thought. More and more secrets revealed themselves as this conversation progressed. Kakashi furrowed his brow as he mused over this new information.

“Why would you—” she began pleading as if she were hoping to reconcile of the image she held of Yuuto and the one in front of her, as if she were trying to make him see the error of his ways. “You  _ believe _ in this Ōtsutsuki fruit nonsense? You  _ know _ that he’s mistaken, don’t you?!”

Yuuto burst out into laughter at this notion. “Of course I don’t believe in it, hahaha! But it sure is entertaining to watch Masuyo struggle over it.”

At that moment, Sakura seemed to lose all hope in who she  _ thought _ was Yuuto. This man was just as heartless as Masuyo was. To him, killing innocent civilians was a mindless game.

This mission had surely taken an emotional toll on Sakura, and Kakashi had had a front-row seat in watching it happen—he had even played an active role in it.

If it weren’t for her failing marriage—and Kakashi’s meddling involvement in it, complicating their relationship—perhaps Sayuri’s death wouldn’t have felt like such an enormous failure. And because she felt such guilt in her inability to save Sayuri, Sakura had shifted all of her hopes for this mission onto Itsuki. Because she wasn’t able to save Sayuri, she was sure she’d save Itsuki.

But now, it was clear to Kakashi that  _ that _ goal had been shattered too. 

This mission was too much. It was wrong to take her out here when her marriage had begun to unravel. Kakashi felt the gravity of this choice and briefly wondered—as he had so many times before—what life would have been like had they remained in Konoha.

“All sensei wanted…” Sakura uttered quietly, her brows furrowing in despair. “...was for me to save Itsuki.”

_ Sakura… _ Kakashi thought to himself. He had never wished so strongly to be a medical shinobi before. If only he’d learned some medical ninjutsu, he’d have been able to counteract the sound ninjutsu as well. He wanted to help her, to avenge every feeling of pain that Sakura was experiencing in this moment.

But Masuyo had apparently been waiting much too long for his tastes and he cut into the conversation without restraint. “Are you going to help me kill her, or what?” he spat out harshly, crossing his arms impatiently.

Yet before Yuuto could reply to him, Sakura responded first.

“I’d like to see you try,” she warned darkly, her voice trembling in anger, her fists shaking in a new resolve.

From beside him, Kakashi heard Sasuke spit out an “Amaterasu!” only for him to groan in frustration when nothing was produced. Kakashi thought that he was an impatient fool. Although he could understand Sasuke’s frustration with the situation, even he could see that only Sakura had the appropriate skill set to take on these opponents.

“Don’t interfere, Sasuke,” Sakura declared powerfully. She stood up straight and the grip on her kunai tightened. Her facial expression hardened into a threatening gaze. “This is my battle and I’m going to kill them.”

* * *

Sakura could feel rage coursing through her.

_ How could he? _ she thought to herself. She thought back to all the times in which she was fooled by his concern for her. She thought back to the times in which she believed his simple story of supporting his family, of the days in which he guided her in her artwork.

She had trusted him. 

And  _ that _ was where she had failed as a kunoichi. Shinobi were taught that all encounters should be considered as a potential threat when undercover, and she had forgotten that.

She should have realized something was off the moment Yuuto suggested that he  _ knew _ she was anything other than an artist. She remembered feeling partially concerned, but she had dismissed it when he’d offered her his cover stories. She should have been alerted when Yuuto had been too interested in her level of involvement involvement. She’d always known him to be nonchalant and disinterested, but for some reason, he had made an extraordinary effort to convince her to keep out of the suspicious activity. She’d been too fixated on her budding relationship with Kakashi, on proving Sasuke wrong, on saving Sayuri, on coming out of this mission victorious.

She’d blinded herself. All of these things had prevented her from seeing the signs.

“Our orders are to return them to Orochimaru for interrogation and ninjutsu analysis, Sakura,” Kakashi reminded her. His voice sounded almost like a plea, as if he could not rid himself of his concern for her ability to wrap things up in the best way.

“ _ Them? _ ” Sakura challenged, staring down her smirking opponent as she spoke. “Or  _ Masuyo _ ? Because we didn’t know about  _ this _ one,” she concluded, pointing a finger at Yuuto.

Yet before Kakashi could answer, both of her opponents went on the offensive. In less than a second, Masuyo had blinked in front of her prone teammates with the intention of attacking them. Yuuto had charged in her direction, readying himself to cast his vertigo ninjutsu. She watched him weave the tori-uma-saru hand signs, but just before he could complete the final sign, she slammed a fist into the ground, twirled a leg to kick the resulting boulders in Yuuto’s direction and blinked in front of her comrades just in time to connect a punch with Masuyo’s palm.

Masuyo went flying from the recoil, and somewhere within that time frame, Yuuto had recovered and launched several shuriken in Sakura’s direction. Using the kunai she had been holding, Sakura effectively countered all but one of the shuriken. It grazed Sakura’s arm, but due to the  healing effects of Katsuyu and her byakugou, the weapon had barely produced a scratch.

“The battle is two against one, yet you are so much of a coward to attack men that aren’t a threat to you right now,” Sakura spat out, lowering herself into a defensive stance, keeping her kunai raised in front of her. “I’m your opponent. Don’t fucking touch them.”

Masuyo gritted his teeth and launched himself toward her, but Sakura shifted her eyes back and forth between each opponent. Yuuto watched with a seemingly disinterested air. The only indication of his investment of the situation was a slight twitch of his brow, and then he began to weave the signs once more.

Instantly, Sakura understood their angle. Yuuto would cast the vertigo knowing that she’d still be afflicted for a moment, knowing that she couldn’t go on the offensive and heal herself at the same time. In that short window of time, Masuyo would attack while her defenses were most vulnerable.

_ “Katsuyu-sama!” _ Sakura called out internally, grounding herself by spreading her legs and preemptively preparing for healing.  _ “I’m going to summon you—the REAL you. Get ready!” _

_ “Hai!”  _ replied Katsuyu, flinging herself off of Sakura’s body and into the air.

She bit down on her thumb, crouched, then slammed her bloody palm onto the floor and screamed, “KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!”

The vertigo ninjutsu sounded just as the contract began to glow upon the ground. She swayed for a moment and the trembling of the room caused her to stumble. Masuyo stopped in his tracks, looking around with panic as rocks began to fall from the ceiling and the room began to quake.

“You idiot!” Yuuto roared out, throwing more shuriken in Sakura’s direction as he scolded his partner. “That was the opening and you didn’t take it! God dammit!”

Sakura could only smirk as she healed through the vertigo. Warmth spread through her ears, balancing her fluids, while the Katsuyu before her grew substantially in size.

She was proud of the spectacle before her. During the war, she and Tsunade were collectively able to summon 1/10th of Katsuyu’s true size. But now, even without Tsunade, Sakura was somehow able to manage between 1/20th to 1/15th of her size. 

Katsuyu grew and grew, her head pressing into the ceiling, causing it to shatter and fall. Large portions of the ceiling crumbed, falling to the ground with large quakes, allowing fresh air to spill through the cracks. Soon, she had penetrated all the way to the surface, freeing them from the underground compound, allowing boulders to fall around them and destroy everything they made contact with. Sakura punched and kicked the debris that threatened to crush Kakashi and Sasuke. The men were too busy trying to catch their bearings, still affected by the second wind of the vertigo ninjutsu.

Once the rumbling began to subside, Sakura collected both Kakashi and Sasuke, one in each arm, then hopped across the falling rocks to jump onto Katsuyu, using her as a ramp to escape the compound and into a clearing in the forest. 

She felt Sasuke struggling in her grasp, likely unhappy about being manhandled, but she held on tightly and ignored him. She moved further away from the edge of the crumbing compound and dropped both of the men onto the dirt like bags of rice, uninterested in their comfort or opinions on the matter.

Behind her, she could hear Yuuto following her lead, escaping the rockslide as he yelled for Masuyo to follow after him.

“Let’s  _ go _ , you fool! The compound is falling!”

“But the  _ tree _ ,  Jūichi!” Masuyo wailed, looking around him in panic as the rubble caved over the bloodied vines.

_ Jūichi _ , Masuyo had called Yuuto.  _ Subject eleven _ . Which meant that Orochimaru had not disclosed given Yuuto’s file to Sasuke and Kakashi during their visit. They only had subjects one through ten.

Sakura waited in the clearing, not too far from the collapsed crevice as Yuuto groaned and returned to grab Masuyo. Meanwhile, Katsuyu was large enough to easily slither her way out of the compound and onto ground behind Sakura.

“You’re an idiot, Shi! Who cares about that right now?!”

“Do me a favor, Katsuyu-sama,” Sakura instructed, keeping a close eye on her opponents. “Kakashi and Sasuke can’t fight so I need you to keep them safe. Shroud them.”

“Yes, Sakura,” Katsuyu hummed. Three larger pieces of Katsuyu propagated off of her large frame which spanned twice the height of the the tall forest trees. The pieces dropped to the ground and glided behind Kakashi and Sasuke. The men seemed to protest her touch, slinking away from the slimy coldness of Katsuyu’s body, but they had little power to fend her off —not when they could hardly keep themselves upright.

“Sakura!” Sasuke growled as Katsuyu covered more of his body. “What are you  _ doing _ ?! Just heal us through it!”

Sakura was set on ignoring him and his inability to accept her as the sole useful fighter, but Kakashi cut in for her, explaining the situation that Sasuke refused to accept.

“Didn’t you hear Yuuto?” Kakashi reminded him. “He said that Sakura could quickly heal  _ herself  _ out of the effects of the jutsu in conjunction with Katsuyu-sama and the byakugou, but because we aren’t medical shinobi, Katsuyu-sama can’t heal  _ us _ fast enough by herself.”

Soon, both Sasuke and Kakashi were cocooned by Katsuyu’s gelatinous body, only their heads poking out of the folds for sight and air. “Sakura is working  _ with _ her summons, not simply relying on her healing. Face it, Sasuke,” Kakashi continued. “This  _ is _ Sakura’s battle.”

“Tchhh…” Sasuke grunted in reply, silently conceding to Katsuyu’s protection.

When Kakashi finished explaining, Sakura’s eyes flashed in their direction for a moment to take in the ridiculous sight of them. She had to stifle a laugh before her attention diverted to another piece of Katsuyu—the third one—that was sliding itself up Sakura’s leg before elongating to wrap all the way up her calf and thigh.

Sakura looked down questioningly, thinking that she looked like another layer of the byakugou over her skin, and then she understood Katsuyu’s intentions. Now that a larger portion of Katsuyu was present, Sakura no longer needed to maintain the smaller pieces of Katsuyu because she had her  _ own _ chakra reserves. This allowed Katsuyu to more effectively heal Sakura’s equilibrium and chakra flow. Their healing combination would be much more efficient, and as such, Sakura could focus more of her chakra on strength.

“ _ You’re a genius _ ,” Sakura thought to her partner, smirking as her fists tightened into a ball. 

_ “I’ve never worked with someone like you Sakura-san,”  _ Katsuyu admitted, and Sakura could tell that there was some excitement in her voice.  _ “It’s invigorating to be so involved.” _

_ “Then let’s show them what we’re made of.” _

Not waiting for Yuuto to reestablish himself, Sakura charged at him as he put Masuyo onto the ground. She noticed that Masuyo’s maddened gaze was locked onto her.

He had snapped.

“You,” he growled incredulously, pushing himself out of Yuuto’s hold and stepping forward to break into towards the clearing. She watched Masuyo dig out shuriken from the folds of his robe to hurl them in her direction as he continued to yell. “You destroyed the tree! What am I going to offer to the Ōtsutsuki now?! How could you?!”

Every single one of the shuriken missed. If there was one thing that had been made clear to her in this short battle, it was that Masuyo was truly inexperienced in combat. 

Once he was close enough to land a physical blow, Masuyo threw punches and kicks that could only be described as sloppy flailing. Sakura easily blocked every blow with her forearm. In addition to his lack of experience, his swings were messy because he was enraged.

When Masuyo attempted to kick her shoulder, Sakura blocked it with her own leg, then reached out to grab his arm with the intention to flip him.

Yuuto, however, was watching closely, and before she could get a solid hold on Masuyo’s arm, Yuuto casted the vertigo jutsu. This caused Sakura to reel backwards and spin on her heel before collapsing, giving Masuyo the perfect opportunity to land a hook shot onto her on the back of her neck.

“Sakura!” Kakashi yelled from behind her as she caught herself on her hands and knees. Sensing the movement behind her, Sakura deduced that Masuyo was going to drop a hit onto her back. To avoid it, she slammed her fists into to ground to send him off balance.

She stood and straightened herself out as she turned around, wiping the fresh blood off of her lip and looked at Masuyo with a smirk. “You’re weak,” she taunted, walking towards him leisurely. “All you have are your tricks, but you can’t actually fight, can you?”

“SHUT UP!” Masuyo wailed, his eyes widening in rage just before he lunged towards her. But Sakura knew she had him. Taunting him just made it sting worse and made his movements sloppier. 

“You’re only a genin, Masuyo,” she continued as she raised her forearm, once again countering all of his advances. “And that means you hardly know what it means to be in a true battle! What made you think that you could take on three S-Class shinobi when you can’t even handle  _ one _ ?”

Masuyo only screamed in frustration as Sakura blocked every one of his moves. He would probably tire soon as this was likely the longest fight he’d been in since he’d left Suna. But Yuuto seemed to come to the same conclusion and finally relinquished his position as a spectator, jumping into the fight to assist him. 

This meant that Sakura had to stop playing games, and that she needed to incapacitate one of them soon. She could handle a taijutsu fight against Masuyo, but she didn’t know what other tricks Yuuto had up his sleeve. And in battle, one second could change  _ everything _ .

But Sakura had tricks too.

She hopped backwards and kept herself in a defensive stance as both of her opponents chased after her. While she watched, Sakura readied her fists as they came towards her, only to notice Yuuto’s sudden decision to hang back and weave hand signs.

He was going to do it again. He was going to try and give Masuyo an opening while she worked to regain her balance, but Sakura was one step ahead of him because  _ that _ revealed something to her.

Just as she could not heal and attack at the same time, he could not cast the jutsu and attack at the same time. T _ his _ would be her angle against him, but before she could act on it, she would have to take Masuyo down.

She suspected that Yuuto was more experienced than Masuyo, and she had deduced that Masuyo would not be adept enough to dodge her. He’d shown her that by letting opportunities pass and by allowing himself to falter every time she made the earth quake.

And so she acted on those observations and suspicions. Sakura dropped her heel into the ground, producing a crater and sending Masuyo off balance. Even if Yuuto could release his vertigo jutsu in time, he could not stop momentum. While the earth shook, Sakura jumped and flew in the direction of a teetering Masuyo, putting just a smidge of chakra into her fist in order to knock him out. She wasn’t going to kill him. She had other plans in mind.

As Yuuto cast the jutsu, her fist connected with his abdomen and Masuyo went flying, his body smashing into a large tree trunk. The contact made the bough shatter and his body sprawled across the ruin, limp and unconscious. Sakura slid across the rough ground, unable to land gracefully due to her momentary vertigo.

Sakura quickly pulled herself onto her feet and faced Yuuto with a furrowed brow.

“It’s just you and me now, Yuuto,” she declared, walking slowly towards him as he dropped into his fighting stance. “What other tricks do you have up your sleeve?”

“I’m not an idiot, Sakura-san,” he began. For once, there was a hint of irritation in his voice which was a tone she hadn’t heard before. “Even I can see that I’m outmatched here. It doesn’t matter what tricks I have. With that chakra slug of yours, my vertigo jutsu is useless against you. Even if I asked you to play fair and just use taijutusu, I can’t compete with those fists of yours.”

“Playing  _ fair _ ?” she screamed angrily, running towards him. She wanted the battle to be over. “Did you give Sayuri a fighting chance? Itsuki? SENSEI?!”

“Fair point,” he grunted, jumping back to evade an incoming punch, quickly attempting to weave the signs for his jutsu once more. It was clear to Sakura that he thought that the few seconds of incapacitation were his only hope for victory.

Sakura dashed in front of him and attempted to land a hit, only to be knocked back by some sort of audible force. She flew through the air, but recovered and flipped herself to land near her teammates.

_ “What was that, Katsuyu-sama?” _

_ “A new ninjutsu. I think it was a supersonic explosion. I could feel the vibration throughout the area, but it was at its highest concentration immediately surrounding him.” _

Sakura smirked, interested once more in Yuuto’s abilities.

“Who would have thought?” he laughed from across the field, placing a hand on his temple and shaking his head in disapproval. “I have a jutsu that can bring down the great Rokudaime of Konohagakure, the famous Copy Nin! I can prevent Uchiha Sasuke from abusing his legendary kekkei genkai in battle, but  _ you _ , the prodigal medical kunoichi would be my weakness.”

“Are you admitting defeat?” Sakura taunted. “If you feel that you’re no match for me, then why don’t you just give up?”

Yuuto only scoffed before casting the sound ninjutsu once more to destabilize Sakura. She faltered for a moment, but in conjunction with the larger Katsuyu, Sakura was able to recover slightly faster than before, allowing her to set off into a sprint with her kunai in hand. As she leapt towards him, Yuuto met her with his own kunai. He swung his knee in an attempt to ram it into her thigh. “Not a chance,” he spat, the exerted effort apparent in his voice as he held Sakura’s kunai at bay. “What would a surrender even get me at this point?”

Sakura countered, hammering her free arm onto his shoulder, sending him down toward the ground. “Your limbs intact,” she responded. Yuuto landed on his hands and feet and flipped backwards. 

Despite Sakura’s ability to heal through the sound jutsu, Yuuto continued to let it ring. “Why bother?” she asked, questioning the futility of the sound jutsu. She charged down towards him with a raised fist. Yuuto jumped out of the way before her knuckles sunk into the ground, knowing better than to make contact with her fists. 

“You should know,” he responded, raising his hands to weave signs. “It keeps your men down  _ and _ it gives me a window of about a second.”

“Ha!” Sakura chuckled, leaping towards him with another punch. Yuuto let go of another supersonic explosion just before Sakura could make contact with him, sending her sprawling back.

Not waiting for her to land, Yuuto leapt forward and sent a few shuriken flying. Sakura blocked all of the shuriken with her kunai. She couldn’t see how this battle would end in his victory; all he could do with her healing ability was throw weaponry and send her flying with the sonic boom.

Yuuto set off into another offensive attack just before she crashed onto her back. As she slid across the gravel, she calculated his limited offensive moveset, Sakura used her momentum to jut her hips forward the moment Yuuto lunged above her. As she rocked her hips toward him, she wrapped her legs around his torso and swung him onto the ground, quickly maneuvering her body so that she was straddling him and keeping him locked onto the floor. 

Yuuto’s breathing appeared labored as she gripped him within her thighs, but regardless, he managed to weave his signs to cast his sonic boom once more, loosening her grip on his abdomen and flinging her across the ground.

Sakura raised herself, breath ragged. Without giving him pause, she flickered towards him.

_ “Katsuyu-sama,”  _ Sakura called out internally as she darted toward her target. “ _ At this point, most of his moves are purely defensive. All I need is for you to immobilize him. Can you deconstruct yourself and anchor his feet?” _

And without confirmation, Sakura could see the larger Katsuyu melting into thousands of pieces, filling the battleground with tiny pieces of herself until there was nothing more than a massive puddle of her gelatinous body.

“What the…?!” she heard Yuuto reacting, attempting to lift his feet off of the sticky ground to no avail.

Surging forward, Sakura drew a kunai, perfectly coordinated with Katsuyu who cleared the floor of her slime with Sakura’s every step.

And once she made contact with his kunai, he let off another sonic boom as she predicted. As she was thrown into the air again, she leveled her body and landed on her feet with her fist into the ground,the earth quaking around her fist, creating crevices in every direction. “Chaaaaaaaa naaarooooo!!!!!” 

She was crouched, reaching furtively into her boot for the small pack she had hidden there, secretly arming herself with a small collection of drugged senbon and shuriken.

“Sakura,” Kakashi called out from the sidelines of the battlefield. “He’s trying to tire you out, but he has no tangible offensive attacks against you.”

“Oh, I know,” she replied, smirking at her opponent across the field. Yuuto looked as though he’d accepted his trapped position, no longer fighting the ooze keeping him securely in place.

“It’s no use, Sakura-san,” he yelled tiredly, seeking some sort of resignation or stalemate. “Our fight won’t go beyond this. You  _ know _ I won’t let you get close to me.” But Sakura could see that it was  _ he _ who was tired. He was huffing, trying to catch his breath, trying to maintain the fraction of chakra he had left. It was likely he’d never needed to expend this much chakra at once before—at least, not for years.

Tired, however, was exactly what she needed from him, because tired meant delayed responses.

“Who said I needed to get near you?” she retorted before slamming a foot into the ground. Debris flew into the air and Sakura spun on her feet, kicking them towards Yuuto’s direction and threw shuriken  _ after _ the rock, followed by thin, hardly visible senbon aimed specifically at his neck.

Yuuto attempted to block and shatter the rocks, yet failed while he was anchored to the ground. 

He punched through them, except he did not notice the shuriken and they sliced through his arms. The senbon flew true, digging deep, his eyes widening as a palm cupped the his neck. Sakura threw another set of shuriken and senbon, distracting him before he could properly analyze the situation. Yuuto was forced to block the senbon from penetrating the chakra point on his forehead.

Yuuto reached up to pull out the senbon from his forehead and his neck, and inspected the metal pieces in his hands. “You really don’t play fair, do you Sakura-san?” he chuckled, tossing the senbon onto the floor. “Poison senbon? It sure stings...”

Prior to leaving Konoha, Sakura had adopted Tsunade’s secret odorless drug that could prevent the release of chakra and weaken the body. It was a difficult drug to make—a potent one that could easily inhibit the maker if created with error—but Tsunade had entrusted her prodigal pupil with the secret to celebrate the accomplishment of the Byakugou and Katsuyu summons during the Fourth Shinobi War. 

Instead of answering his question, Sakura charged, readying her fist as she approached him. Yuuto’s eyes widened in fear at her approach, weavings the signs for his sonic boom, only for bewilderment to sprawl across his face when nothing was produced. She’d blocked his chakra through the network points on his neck and forehead.

“How does it feel?!” she screamed, eyebrows furling in victorious rage. “To be without your chakra?”

“I give up!” he cried, putting his hands up in front of him, attempting to seem calm despite the clear look of terror. “You win! You’ve bested me!”

“I don’t abide by the terms of people like you,” she warned, and instead of punching him in his face, she wrapped her fingers around his neck in a crushing grip. “Let him go, Katsuyu-sama.”

And Katsuyu did just that, freeing his feet from the slimy prison, allowing Sakura to raise him off of the ground.

Sakura could feel his labored breath, she felt his feet kicking, knees jerking, fingers clawing at her grip on his neck as she raised him. He stared at her with pained eyes as she lifted him, and she watched as his attention flickered towards the newly formed green chakra blade upon her free hand.

“Who…. would have… thought… tchhh… that the seemingly gentle Haruna-san… is actually… kkkccchh… one of the most frightening kunoichi… out there?” he managed to cough out, his body growing slack from under her hold. “Sensei wouldn’t … recognize you now…. You’re a regular killer, aren’t you? … Just like… Masuyo…”

Before answering, Sakura released his neck so that he dropped to his knees on the floor. But before he could recover, she crouched in front of him, grabbing a shock of his hair and stretching his neck backwards. Sakura held the chakra blade right against his neck, and she was sure he could feel the heat of her blade. 

“No,” she growled, drawing her face nearer to him. “I’m smarter than that.” And then she sliced her blade across his neck. She watched his eyes widen in fear, and when she let go of him, she saw him clawing at his neck in search of blood, only for his hands to remain without stain.

He looked at her in confusion, and his expression was only met with a firm knock against his jaw, breaking it at the hinges, and causing his mouth to go slack. 

“Rrrrrnnnnnggggghhh!!!!!” he groaned in pain, attempting to hold his cheek as he fell face first into Katsuyu’s slime. Then using her feet, she kicked him over and stuck each one of his hands into the slime before stomping on them which a ferocious force. She heard the bones in his hands shattering with a loud crunch even beneath the moans of utter pain.

“Katsuyu-sama, stop the internal hemorrhaging and mitigate the pain, but  _ do not _ repair his vocal chords nor his jaw. Don’t heal his broken hands either,” Sakura instructed calmly. Without breaking eye contact with Yuuto, Sakura allowed her byakugou to retreat back into the chakra point in her forehead, silently signaling to him that this battle was over.

Sakura crouched then, staring at him with a icy glare. “I don’t have to kill someone to win a battle… I just have to take away their jutsu. I’ve severed your vocal cords and crushed your hands. You’ll never use your sound jutsu again.”

And without waiting for any kind of reaction, Sakura rose and turned on her heel towards Masuyo, who was coming into his awareness against the tree. “Release Kakashi and Sasuke,” she ordered, not once looking at her teammates as she approached Masuyo.

“No,” Masuyo croaked, knowing of the fate she had in store for him. “Please!” 

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” she demanded, then held his hair to sever his vocal cords, smashing the bones in his hands with a strong grip. Then she picked him up and threw him over her shoulder, bringing him to the same place that she left Yuuto.

Thankfully, Sakura didn’t even need to tell Katsuyu to encase the prisoners. She’d done it on her own, healing their injuries to the extent of Sakura that commanded.

Finally, with the battle completed, and the mission threat resolved, she turned to her partners who were steadying themselves into a standing position. She looked at them with a disinterested glance—an arrogantly proud one—as they stared back at her in wonder.

“Sasuke, I know you have your chakra back. Burn the rubble. The pods are beneath them,” she instructed, dusting her hands off before placing them on her hips.

“Amaterasu!” Sasuke casted coolly, and then the team could hear Masuyo thrashing within his gelatinous prison, moaning for the loss of his life’s work, watching his cavern erupt into endless black flames.

Then there was quiet between the three of them. The men could only stare at Sakura as her mind ran into a billion different directions of  _ I told you so’s _ and  _ You needed me after all’s _ . They didn’t have to say it for them to see it and acknowledge it. They knew it. If Sakura hadn’t been there, they might have lost this battle. Neither of them had the capabilities of neutralizing Yuuto’s jutsu.

“Sakura—” Kakashi began softly, but Sakura cut him off, holding a flat palm up in his direction before speaking.

“What are our orders, Kakashi?”

“Sai knew we were charging. He’s bringing the Hyuuga and someone from the fuinjutsu division to seal their chakra before we take them to Orochimaru. Someone from the Interrogation division—likely Ino—will be waiting in Orochimaru’s cavern,” he replied, clearing his throat with a cough as he responded.

“Good, and I take it the two of you can wrap up the collection without me? I’m going back. I’m tired.”

Neither of the men said a word, but Kakashi nodded in understanding, and if Sakura knew any better, perhaps even a hint of fear. Sakura knew that she should have stayed. She knew that remaining with her team would have been the professional thing to do, but she was just so angry with them.

This was a slight for all of the times that they tried to send her home, for all of the times that Sasuke said that they wouldn’t need her anymore, for all of the times that they said they could complete the mission without her.

Now she was calling the shots.

Sakura couldn’t help but feel pride welling up inside of her as she took her first step away from the men towards the Takumi Village. 

Sakura knew for certain. She was a shinobi—and while she may not be as famous as the Uchiha family for their Sharingan, although she may not have had the same wide skill set and track record as The Copy Ninja had, she didn’t care.

Today, Sakura felt independent, strong, determined. She was every bit the Medical Prodigy that she had once known she was.

Sakura had her own skill sets to be proud of—something no other active shinobi else could have accomplished in her stead—and that revelation was a far cry from who she had been when she started this mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More information on Sakura’s drug. In the Naruto Manga Ch. 162, Jiraiya says, “That damned Tsunade drugged my sake. I can’t release my chakra well and my whole body stings… I can’t even hold chopsticks… She’s the only one who can create a tasteless, odorless drug to use against other ninja…” He’s seen hobbling along in a weakened state looking for Naruto. That small section is the inspiration for Sakura’s drug in this chapter. I decided that Tsunade passed on this information once Sakura achieved the Byakugou and Katsuyu summons.
> 
> Back to our regularly schedule marriage/affair drama after this. We're reaching the end!


	46. Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! I felt so bad about my general absence and my inability to help my writing community out that I even told my betas not to worry about helping me. I was just going to publish because I felt guilty for numerous reasons. Despite that, Tipsy Raconteur and Nyxako are so supportive. They insisted that they wanted to beta anyway, so major thanks to them for being so understanding and helpful no matter what I'm going through. (They have new content out by the way! Check it out!)
> 
> Also, big thanks to lulu42 who got me out of Kakashi's head. I was stuck there for a bit, and she gave me one piece of advice that got me out!

Today was moving day. It was the day that Sakura and Kakashi were scheduled to return home to Konoha, and he was absently packing boxes with the things they had collected over time.

The truth was that his mind was elsewhere, going through the motions of his task even though he knew he was conflicted by it.

Kakashi didn’t quite know how to feel about the situation and he knew that Sakura felt the same.  _ Something _  had been making them wildly uncomfortable since Sakura’s fight, and neither he nor Sakura had addressed it since. He would have liked to say that the idea of returning home was weighing them down, but he knew that there was more to it than that.

When he had returned home from Masuyo’s compound, Sakura had been pretending to be asleep. He could tell by her breathing pattern and the stiffness of body upon his arrival. He had climbed into bed beside her anyway, unsure of how to proceed, especially since she was clearly avoiding conversation with him.

As he stared at the pink hair tumbling over her pillow, Kakashi lightly draped an arm over her waist. Sakura didn’t move as she normally would. She didn’t close the space between them or nuzzle against his chest, and Kakashi understood that this was her way of saying she needed space.

And ever since then, he’d given it to her. He had figured that Sakura would speak to him about what was troubling her when she was ready, and so he proceeded through their days ignoring the seemingly obvious.

In the morning, they’d shared a cordial breakfast together, amicably speaking about their next steps in wrapping up their presence in the village and moving their belongings to Konoha. For a moment, Kakashi filled her in on Hanabi’s arrival to the compound and the collection of both Masuyo and Yuuto, but Sakura simply hummed in response and sipped her tea.

The conversation had stopped there.

That was the first time that Sakura and Kakashi had not touched each other’s faces in the morning. Now that the mission was coming to an end, Sakura suggested that there was no longer a need to hide their identities, and so concealing his scar and Sakura’s byakugou was no longer necessary. She even suggested that he could wear his mask again. And even though the rationale made sense, Kakashi couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss for their routine, for the very exchange that marked the start of their intimate relationship.

In addition to their morning routine, everything else about their relationship had changed too. Their apartment felt tense and conversation seemed strained. Their embraces devolved into loose hugs. The kisses had turned into pecks that felt forced, as if they were maintained to keep up the illusion that things were alright between them. And naturally, because everything else seemed off, the sex between them had stopped entirely.

The only thing that remained the same had been sleeping together in bed.

And even that had exemplified the strange distance that had come between them. The space between their bodies had made that clear.

Despite that, however, they had gone about their mission work together. The two of them had sought out the small shinobi headquarters to speak about the hypnotic sound genjutsu and the investigation of Masuyo’s activities. A shinobi task force had been sent to investigate his office as well as the tunnel leading to his collapsed compound. Takumi shinobi ensured that they would be in charge of sifting through the rubble to complete the investigation and would send any information to Konoha to assist in the conviction of Masuyo and Yuuto.

As for the genjutsu, it turned out that Masuyo had been making regular visits to the headquarters to cycle through shinobi to act as security for the school. Almost every shinobi on the task force had been under Masuyo’s employ at some point, yet they were ultimately unaware that they had been victims of the genjutsu.

Luckily, after Sakura’s medical inspection and her ability to detect genjutsu affliction, she had found that the genjutsu had been dispelled, likely from the removal of Masuyo from the immediate vicinity. And if that weren’t the case, then surely the genjutsu would wear off over time due to Masuyo’s inability to recast the genjutsu and maintain the hypnosis.

Afterwards, the two of them made their way to the administrative building of the Masuyo Institute. Once the administration had been notified of Masuyo’s activities and capture, classes were cancelled until further notice. In the meantime, both the Professorial staff and the remaining administrative personnel planned to meet and decide on how to proceed with school business. There was only one thing that they  _ had _  decided on immediately: to have students and staff collaboratively create a memorial for the victims of the crimes.

Since concluding their official business, Kakashi and Sakura had spent a day packing. They deciding to leave the final goodbye for Zenhichi and Fujiko, and they were planning to do it later that day.

In the meantime, Kakashi remained at home, finalizing the contents of their boxes while Sakura was out shopping for lunch. They didn’t have much anyway. They had certainly accumulated a few things over the past couple of months, particularly cute knick knacks that Sakura had picked up for decoration or tokens of their illicit relationship.

Presently, Kakashi was kneeling over a box at the foot of the dresser. The box held the framed photograph of Kakashi and Sakura, the empty jewelry box, Sarada’s keychain, the pink bear, and Sayuri’s painting. He didn’t know what he would do with the box; he wondered if Sakura would want to take it with her, especially since all of the items were ultimately her belongings.

If Kakashi was being honest with himself, looking at these items caused a dull ache in his chest. He had just put the items inside, yet he found himself repelled by them—as if reaching for them was some sort of betrayal.

A betrayal of  _ what _ , though, he didn’t quite understand.

Typically, Kakashi would attribute his sense of guilt to his betrayal against Sasuke, but he knew for certain that this time it wasn’t that. For once, everything within him couldn’t care less about Sasuke’s feelings. For once, he wasn’t bothered by what he had done to Sasuke’s trust despite his affection for him.

This time, Kakashi knew he was consumed by something else.

But what was it…?

Was it his feelings for Sakura?

Was it mourning for the end to this mission?

Was it the uncertainty that lay ahead?

Maybe it was all of it, but it was possible that it was none of it.

As usual, Kakashi found himself unable to make sense of his emotions. Sakura seemed to have that effect on him. The only thing he could conclude for certain was that  _ something _  didn’t feel right.

Sighing, Kakashi placed his palms on his knees and rose, pushing himself up to a standing position. As his weight shifted, he heard the wooden floorboards creaking beneath him. He looked down at the box for a moment before he lightly kicked the flaps closed and walked towards the bed. He sat on the edge before pulling his legs onto the mattress and laid his head back onto his crossed arms.

As he stared at the pale white ceiling, he thought back to the last intimate moment between he and Sakura—how, although she had just left her husband, everything almost seemed right between them.

Sure, she had been in pain. She had been confused—as any reasonable adult might be at the time of  divorce—but at the time, the distance between them hadn’t feel like such a violation. The sweet words they had spoken to each other had felt like nothing less than the only truth he’d known.

_ “What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?” _  she’d asked him.

And he’d replied,  _ “Sakura, I feel the same way about you.” _

Now, however, Kakashi wondered if he could reply to that same question with the same genuine feeling as he did before.

Something just wasn’t right anymore.

But did he feel this way because there was distance between them?

What if he’d just  _ talked _  to her?

Could he just outright ask her why she was upset with him?

That didn’t feel right to him, because even if he started that conversation with her, he knew that there was something bothering him too. Something had changed between them since she’d left Sasuke, since she’d snuck away from bed and left to pursue Masuyo on her own.

As Kakashi thought about it, he closed his eyes and exhaled. He considered if that was the root of his discomfort—that Sakura left on her own, that she kept secrets, that she put herself in danger without the consideration of those that cared for her wellbeing.

Sure, the mission may have worked out in the end, and sure, Kakashi and Sasuke would have been neck-deep in shit had she not been present but…

But  _ what? _

Was it arrogance? And whose was it—his or hers?

Kakashi couldn’t help but relive the moment of sheer panic that surged through him when Katsuyu woke him. He couldn’t help but remember the feeling of wanting to scream and tear everything apart when he saw Sakura’s weakened body slung over Masuyo’s shoulder, when he tossed her to the side like a rag doll. He remembered that  _ those _  feelings even overpowered his sense of pride for her victories. He had just been so frustrated by the whole thing, and perhaps it was even amplified by his inability to do something.

Maybe it was also the realization that he would have been powerless to save her if she’d really needed saving… but wasn’t her strength part of the reason he’d loved her in the first place?

“God,” Kakashi muttered to himself as wondered what could be done. He inhaled deeply and rubbed his fingers over his eyelids before pinching his nose.

As always, there were too many factors involved in their relationship, too many elements pulling him in different directions, confusing him, complicating the very simple and pure emotion he felt for this woman that he was  _ sure _  was perfect for him.

There was truly no other woman that had ever made him feel the way she had, and he was certain no other woman would ever accomplish it again.

And although he was conflicted about the end to the mission, the reality was that  _ now _  there was even more to complicate things—because they were going home and there would be no more time to figure out the root of the problems and if they could even be fixed.

_ Now, _  he and Sakura were going home, and on top of whatever unresolved tension there was between them, she’d have to deal with finalizing her divorce, her relationship with Sarada, and most importantly, her self-esteem.

Would she even have the time and energy to commit in order to mend whatever problems there were between them?

As Kakashi thought about it, he considered once more his place in her family affairs. There were much more pressing problems, soiled relations that he should have no business getting between any further, things that she needed to fix on her own.

Besides, secrecy and lies had been the foundation of this relationship, and was the very reason they were able to nurture it, but was that a healthy beginning to a long-lasting relationship?

And wasn’t a lack of transparency the reason Sakura and Sasuke’s marriage had fallen apart? Wasn’t it part of the reason that Sakura lost herself throughout the years?

This realization seemed to hit him like a flipped switch. It scared him but also brought clarity.

_ That _  was the reason they’d come here. He had admitted it to Sai on the roof those many nights ago. He remembered asking him,  _ “ _ _ Haven’t you seen how she’s changed? Don’t you think it’s unfair that the only person who’s content in the Uchiha household is Sasuke? While Sarada and Sakura suffer, waiting for him to come home?” _

He remembered the revelation he’d had on that roof, when he realized that the reason for their carelessness was that the mission was secondary, and that their true mission was to escape everything that they were unhappy with at home.

He had told her in the bathroom,  _ “I decided that night that I would never ignore you again, not when the cries for help were so loud, so obvious. You were alone… you were heartbroken. And even if I wasn’t your sensei, this time… I wanted to help you as a friend. As someone who cares about you. As someone who just wants to see you happy,” _  and he still felt that way.

Kakashi sat up then and scooted himself back onto the bed until he was leaning against the headboard. He turned his head towards the open bathroom door, remember the night in which Sakura truly revealed everything within her that had been hurting her so much. He remembered the steam from the hot water, the feeling of her soaked body over his numbed lap, the pain he’d felt in wanting to take away all of her sadness.

He’d told her that she changed when she was around Sasuke, that she wasn’t truly herself in his presence. She’d cried because of it, and although Kakashi thought it had been because he’d hurt her feelings, she admitted that it was because he’d confronted her with the truth. She’d said,  _ “All of my life has been consumed by Uchiha Sasuke… It’s like I’m lost in that name and the legacy of his eyes… It seems like… it will always be my role to be left behind.” _

It was that very line that had stabbed him like a million kunais to the heart, that made him truly understand the kind of identity crisis she was experiencing. He remembered the feeling of futility and helplessness  _ for  _ her, and the ways in which he could almost empathize with her circumstances.

And then she’d said the words that at the time seemed to him like a confession of love: _  “But when I’m with you Kakashi, I don’t feel any of that pressure to be someone I’m not, or to prove my worth, or as if I don’t have a say in what I feel or want to do…” _

Kakashi remembered it clearly, remembered how badly he wanted to kiss her, to  _ show _  her that the feeling was mutual.

Today, however, he saw those words in another light…

With a deeper understanding of their circumstances, equipped with the reality of the deceptive path that resulted in their affair, with all of the secrecy confronting him in full force, he remembered that they were here for  _ Sakura _  to discover herself. And she had said that she didn’t feel any of those bouts of insecurity while she was  _ with him _ .

But that was no longer what he wanted for her—or for him. Because if that was true, then why would she feel the need to hide her actions from him? To secretly leave for the mission on her own?

For a moment, Kakashi wondered if he was turning into Sasuke in some way, shape, or form—someone who would prevent her from being and doing what she truly wanted out of some strange possessive fear.

She  _ did _  feel pressure in the last week. She  _ did _  feel like she had to prove her worth. She  _ didn’t _  feel like she had a say in her actions or feelings, and so she ran away from what she felt was oppressing her.

And back then, those many weeks ago in the bathroom, Sakura had said,  _ “When I’m with you, I feel like I’m just Sakura, and that’s enough.” _  But it wasn’t true anymore…because he had held her back from being who she always was. While this realization seemed to soften the irritation he held for Sakura’s actions, even  _ this _  could not allow him to completely dismiss the overwhelming feeling of anger that he’d experienced due to her hasty actions.

Kakashi knew that was a problem. They were no longer the pure-hearted lovers that they once were, perhaps they were never pure to begin with due to the circumstances. But in addition to all of that, there was one monumentally more important detail that needed addressing.

She’d said,  _ “When I’m with you,” _  she felt she was enough. And he didn’t want his presence to be the condition, because if that was the case, he’d just be another Sasuke to her, someone she allowed her identity to revolve around.

Instead, he wanted Sakura to say, “I’m just Sakura and that’s enough.” No conditions. No prerequisites. Just her and her own self-worth. That was her destination, the reason for this mission in the first place. And if she were to reach it, maybe  _ then _  they could work on their relationship.

Sakura had things she needed to resolve first, and truthfully, so did he. Even though he had inwardly concluded upon his return from his mission with Sasuke that Sakura was  _ not _  Rin to him, he wanted to be certain that he could still love her without the pretense of helping her fix something about herself. As if she were a project.

Although he didn’t  _ see _  her that way, he had to be sure that he wasn’t tricking himself, that Sakura was truly Sakura and he loved her absolutely for who she was—without the influence of outside problems, without feeling like there was a duty to save her, without the risk of atoning for any kind of sin…

Just as Kakashi was settling on the notion that the only solution to this dilemma was to remove himself from the relationship, to allow her to grow as a person and find her own strength, Kakashi heard the click of the front door. He turned his head toward the sound to catch the door opening slowly, the heavy wood dragging across the floor as Sakura swung it inward. And when she stepped inside, holding a paper bag with her face wrapped in her yellow scarf, she peered over the groceries and he could see an amicable smile in her eyes.

For the first time since the conclusion of the mission, he felt his heart waver, felt the familiar swell of warmth in his chest, felt the intimacy returning to him.

“Hey,” she greeted, breaking eye contact and shutting the door behind her. Sakura looked down at her feet from the side of the bag and tugged her boots off with her toes. Once they were off, she made her way to the empty counters and pulled two pre-packaged bento boxes from the paper bag.

“Since we’re mostly packed,” she began lightly, “I figured that it’d be better for us to just eat some ready-made food instead of cooking.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he replied, forcing a slight smile beneath his mask. He watched her move as she brought both of the bento boxes over to their bare dining table. As she popped the covers off of the plastic containers, Kakashi dragged himself out of the bed and made his way to the chair. Sakura was nudging his opened bento box in his direction and placed paper-wrapped chopsticks in front of him while holding a piece of tempura in front of her mouth. “Thanks,” he murmured pleasantly, retrieving the chopsticks to pull them of out their sleeve and break them apart.

The two of them ate in relative silence, allowing Kakashi to ponder over the strength of his resolve.

For once, the silence wasn’t that unpleasant. To him, it had the air of comfort, similar to the comfort they’d been sharing for months, but it wasn’t quite the same. There was still a sense of distance, though this time, he seemed to be content with where they were right now.

Kakashi didn’t know when and if they would share a meal like this again. Especially not in this place, where they’d experienced so much together. For a moment, he felt himself falter due to the yearning for those idyllic days in this very room. And although he knew what should be done, he also knew that to feel loved and needed was bait for any lonely man.

Kakashi looked up at Sakura while she poked at her meal. As he chewed his food, he wondered if Sakura felt the same kind of contentedness or if she felt strangely about it. Then he watched her blink rapidly before tilting her head up to meet his eyes. She was quiet for a second, and then she said, “So are all of the boxes ready to go?”

“Yeah, I packed the last of our things not too long ago. There’s a box there with our picture, the painting, and the teddy bear…” he replied. Despite the resolution he felt inside, his words seemed to betray him, seeking a reaction to his unresolved questions. “Do you want me to send that box to your house?”

Sakura stopped chewing and then furrowed her brow for a moment.

_ Shit _ , he thought to himself. Once the words were out, he knew that they were better left unsaid.

“You know what,” she said with a hesitant chuckle. “Let’s figure that out later. Maybe when we get home.”

_ Home _ , he thought. The word used to mean  _ this _  place, and now she was using it to refer to Konoha again.

“Alright.”

Seeming as though she wanted to change the subject, Sakura replaced the cover of her food, snapping it into place before asking, “Are you ready to say goodbye to Zenhichi and Fujiko?”

Kakashi looked down at his bento. He had two pieces left, but given the air between them, he figured he could go without it.

“Yeah,” he agreed, pulling the cover over his bento as well.

And with that, Sakura pushed her chair back and stood up, retreating towards the door to put her boots back on.

Kakashi was already dressed, save for his outerwear. He followed her toward the door and reached for his grey coat on the rack. When he pulled it onto his arms, his eyes traveled back onto the rack where the orange scarf remained hanging.

Part of him hoped that Sakura would turn toward it and offer it to him, or maybe even wrap it around his neck. But when he zipped his coat and snapped the rivets, she was already turning the knob of the door.

He had to admit that even a small thing like that caused a tug in his chest, and it was all the more reason to feel as though the distance between them was growing larger.

* * *

 

As Kakashi and Sakura made their way towards the Main Square, they decided to stop by Fujiko’s shop first with the hopes of inviting her to see Zenhichi. The walk had been quiet between them, and now that the villagers were catching wind of Kakashi and Sakura’s identities, Kakashi noticed people whispering into each other’s ears as they passed by.

It wasn’t necessarily the whispering of fear, but more so the recognition of infamous shinobi in their town mixed with the realization that they’d been living among them all this time.

Although Kakashi had experienced this whispering throughout his life—first at the death of his father, then when he was promoted to Jonin at a young age, then when his ANBU reputation was known, then when he was known as the Copy Nin, and finally as the Rokudaime—this instance was strange for him. It felt foreign and all too familiar at the same time—as though civilians would not allow him to live in whatever fantasy he’d been living in any longer.

He was Hatake Kakashi, not Akiyama Takashi. He was not a mere butcher studying poetry, no, and he didn’t have a wife.

Those days were gone.

Instead, he felt himself take on the form of Hatake Kakashi beneath his mask. His face straightened out. His eyes lowered into a lazy gaze, just as it he had done on the streets of Konoha for many years. He even packed a copy of  _ Icha Icha _  into his pocket and felt the need to crack it open to avoid the open stares.

Once he opened his book, the walk passed by uneventfully. This was the first time he’d attempted to read the book since that day on the couch, the day in which Ayame took the form of Sakura in his imagination. Now, however, his imagination seemed relatively unaffected. Perhaps it was due to the fact that his attention seemed to waver between the words on the page and the woman walking beside him.

Sakura stood with her hands clasped behind her back with her chin high and her eyes determinately forward. Her byakugou was in clear view, her face straight, and her attention alert. He wondered what she was thinking about and how she was feeling about this transition, yet before he could ponder upon it for too long, the pair arrived at their destination.

As a formality, Kakashi lowered his book and tucked it into his pocket. Fujiko stood in front of her scarf stand sweeping dust away from the entrance, but when she saw them approaching, her eyes widened and she quickly deposited her broom against the metal foundations of her store.

She hurried to them with a frantic expression and swept Sakura’s hands into a tight grip.

“Haruna-san!” she exclaimed in concern, shaking her hands as she held Sakura’s. “I’ve been so worried! All of these things I’ve been hearing! Are you okay?!” As she asked the questions, Fujiko released her hands and touched Sakura’s face, inspecting her the way a mother would her child upon return from rowdy play. “I suppose you must be… I’ve heard that you’re both shinobi from Konoha. Is it true?”

“It is true, Fujiko-san,” replied Sakura with a hesitant smile. Her eyebrows furled upwards in apology. “I’m sorry for hiding it from you, but our mission was undercover.”

“Well, it can’t be helped now, can it? And I understand anyway. What the two of you did for this village was a great service to us.” Fujiko’s hands slid back on top of Sakura’s, still grasping her tightly as if to hold on to the image of the girl she thought she knew. “So, it’s actually Uchiha Sakura, is it?”

“It is,” Sakura agreed with a nod, but there was a hint of sadness in her response, maybe even regret. “But please,” she continued. “call me Sakura.”

“And you, handsome one?” she asked, turning to Kakashi with a curious face. “I’ve heard the famous Rokudaime hides his face with a mask. What a shame that is!” She laughed then, transferring her hands to his with a warm, motherly smile. “I guess I was lucky to see it.”

“Kakashi,” he replied simply.

“Kakashi-sama, what an honor to be acquainted with the Rokudaime of Konohagakure.” And although Fujiko was merely being polite, her words were the reintroduction of such formalities due to his ranking and position. He didn’t think he would ever get used to it again, and he didn’t realize he would miss the semblance of simple life this much.

“Fujiko-san,” Sakura interrupted kindly, smiling as she prepared to make her request. “We’re actually here because we’d like to say goodbye to both you and Zenhichi together. We haven’t seen him yet. Would you be willing to come with us?”

Just then, Fujiko’s expressed morphed back into worry. Her lips pursed and her brows crinkled in concern. She nodded slowly, turning towards her shop to let down the tarp to guard her wares. Sakura instantly set forth to help her close her shop, offering to do it for her while Fujiko stood beside Kakashi.

“I haven’t seen Zenhichi since the news broke,” said Fujiko quietly. She hung her head low as she watched Sakura through her lashes. Kakashi listened quietly with his hands stuck in his pocket, fingers swiping roughly over the ever-familiar hardcover of  _ Icha Icha _  in his pocket. “He’s locked up store and hasn’t come out since. I’m terribly worried about him.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Kakashi offered, calmly seeking the key to the Meat Shop in his pocket.

* * *

 

This time, the walk had been pleasant. Fujiko happily filled any quiet moments with her small talk about scarves, about town events, and how she would manage without Sakura’s help. She joked about needing to hire  _ two _  workers to pick up for Sakura’s work ethic, and Sakura giggled fondly throughout her conversation.

Once they reached the shop, however, conversation halted to a stop. The store had surely been closed for a few days. The lights were off, the door was locked, and the only light that could be seen was the lamplight peeking through the door from the back office.

Kakashi figured that Zenhichi had been hiding himself away in the back, likely mourning over the news of his son’s death. He stepped forward, attempting to see further into the shadows, then knocked on the glass. “Zenhichi-san,” Kakashi called out as the side of his fist hit the door. He waited a moment and saw the light go off in the back. Perhaps Zenhichi intended to hide.

Kakashi then looked back at Sakura, who nodded at him in response. He noticed her green eyes sparkling with worry and then felt the slight pang in his chest again, but turned away to proceed with her silent instruction.

Kakashi dug the key out of his pocket, and slid it into the lock to open the door. “Let me go in alone,” he suggested, and the two women agreed and stepped back. Kakashi let himself in, and instantly, the scent of old, uncleaned blood met his nose. It was clear to Kakashi that the normally meticulously clean Zenhichi hadn’t done any cleaning in the past few days.

“Zenhichi-sama,” Kakashi called out, making his way towards the darkened back room. “It’s me.” In the moment, Kakashi didn’t know how to refer to himself. He wasn’t sure if he should use Takashi any longer, especially if Zenhichi had heard that he was a shinobi from Konoha.

As expected, Zenhichi did not reply, but as Kakashi walked past the back meat freezer and preparation area, he sensed movement. Once he had reached the door to the office, he knocked once before opening it, then smelled the musk of a man who possibly hadn’t showered in days.

“Zenhichi-sama,” he said softly, leaning against the doorway to see his figure slumped over the desk, his palm cradling his head.

Other than a heavy exhale, the room was quiet. Kakashi watched him shake his head in the shadows, preparing himself to face whatever it was that he was avoiding

“I knew my boy wouldn’t have left me the way he did…” he said finally, voice low and rough from being unused. Although Kakashi couldn’t see well enough, his vision began adjusting to the dark. He was able to see Zenhichi ruffling his hair before leaning back on his old, creaking office chair.

“I’m sorry about your son,” Kakashi said quietly, tucking his hands into his pocket.

“Hatake, was it?” he replied bitterly, as if he felt betrayed by Kakashi’s cover story, by exposing him to heartache and then apologizing for it. But then, his tone lightened as he continued: “I suppose I should be thankful that you brought the truth to light. I’m just…”

Zenhichi’s voice tapered off, but Kakashi understood. The bittersweet feeling was not something Zenhichi had to explain to him, but Kakashi could feel a change within him. Akiyama Takashi might have felt more sorrow for the man’s loss, but Hatake Kakashi was hardened, someone who experienced things like this far too often, someone who was accustomed to delivering heavy news.

“Fujiko is outside waiting for you. She’s been worried,” Kakashi informed him simply, unsure of how to reconcile his two identities in the situation. It was easier to disconnect.

A short chuckle came from Zenhichi before he swiveled around on his chair. He sat still for a moment before lifting himself onto his feet by pushing his palms down onto his knees. “Of course she is,” he replied, stepping forward so that Kakashi could see him in the faint light. Zenhichi definitely hadn’t groomed himself; his appearance was haggard, his hair disheveled, eyes puffy and red amongst pale unshaven skin. “Well, let’s not keep her waiting then,” he said, feigning a more positive attitude. Zenhichi placed his hand on Kakashi’s shoulder, and the two of them made their way to the front as if he were a crutch for the man.

Once they materialized from the back room, Sakura’s eyes met Kakashi’s, communicating a sense of sadness and worry. She took Fujiko’s arm lightly and led her into the shop, where they stood silently before the two men. Kakashi watched Sakura’s eyebrows rise as she examined Zenhichi, her lip beginning to quiver as she recognized a man in pain.

Stifling a muffled sob, Sakura stepped forward and took Zenhichi into her arms. “I’m so sorry, Zenhichi-san… for lying to you… for what happened to your son.” And then her words took on a new form of pain. “If it were my daughter, I…”

Zenhichi lightly returned her embrace, patting her on the back as he shook his head above hers. “No, you brought me closure,” he said, sounding as though he were attempting to convince himself as well.

Sakura released him then and made space for Fujiko, who had been watching with tearful eyes, holding a fist above her chest. She made a tentative step forward before moving to hold her dear friend.

“Zenhichi, I’ve been so…” and then Fujiko’s voice trailed off. She began to sob into his shoulder and hold him, showing her worry rather than explaining it. “Don’t shut yourself away from me, please, not during this time…”

As Kakashi watched the interaction between them, Sakura slowly maneuvered beside him. For the first time during this mission, Kakashi wondered about the relationship between Fujiko and Zenhichi. Were they finding a second chance at love or were they just really good friends? Strangely enough, Zenhichi began to do the consoling, ensuring Fujiko that he’d be alright and not to worry. Then the two of them parted, standing side by side, and turned to Kakashi and Sakura.

“So,” Zenhichi began, the typical cheer in his voice returning. “Kakashi and Sakura, huh? The Rokudaime himself and the prodigy of the Godaime. I guess we should be flattered.”

Yet before Kakashi could respond to the seemingly foreign formalities, Sakura responded for the two of them. “Please, don’t see us any differently. We truly enjoyed our time with you.”

Zenhichi chuckled as Fujiko wiped her tears beside him. “All this time, I’d been hoping to see you become a mother, but you’ve been a mother all this time. The wife of the famous Uchiha Sasuke and the mother of the only Uchiha child.”

Sakura offered a hesitant chuckle, and for a moment, Kakashi thought back to her words in the bathroom. “Yes, I am a mother.”

It _  was _  true. Her identity would always be tied back to his.

“What a shame!” Fujiko finally cut in, sniffling between words. “I really thought that you and Takashi—er, I mean Kakashi-sama, were a beautiful couple. The whole village could see your love!”

Kakashi’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Even Sakura began to blush and stared back at him with wide eyes. “Err, em…” she began, but she never concluded her thought. Kakashi wondered how either of them could respond. The village could see it because it  _ was _  real, he thought, but given Sakura’s recent distance, he doubted she would acknowledge it now—especially since they’d recognized her marriage to Sasuke.

“You’re really not a couple?” Fujiko continued, unaffected by the hesitation and sudden silence.

But Sakura’s eyebrows creased at the center as if she were trapped, afraid of speaking the truth, afraid of tarnishing their image, afraid of hurting Kakashi.

Kakashi could see it, all of the fear, all of the worry, everything she had expressed long ago in the bathroom.

_ “But when I’m with you Kakashi, I don’t feel any of that pressure to be someone I’m not, or to prove my worth, or as if I don’t have a say in what I feel or want to do…”  _ she had said.

“No,” Kakashi said decidedly, and he instantly saw relief in Sakura’s eyes. He had made the decision for her. This was it. He had decided that Sakura still needed to find herself, to be content with her feelings and decisions without any influences, without any outside pressure, and  _ today, _  Kakashi had become a source of pressure.

“No,” he repeated quickly, looking at Sakura in the eyes as he spoke. “We’re just really good partners and friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... would it help if I said JUST TRUST ME?! hahahah
> 
> Just trust me! 
> 
> o__o


	47. False Foundations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to TipsyRaconteur and Nxyako for being awesome betas for this chapter! And thank you to all of you that left reviews and inspired me to keep going. This one is a little shorter than other chapters, but it felt complete as it was.

“Sakura.”

As Sakura turned to close the door to their apartment, Kakashi’s arm moved past her head, shutting the door in front of her and causing the knob to slip out of her hands.

His deep voice rumbled beside her ear and sent a wave of both heat and nervousness through her body. He wasn’t touching her, but his chest was close enough to her back, his mouth was close enough to her ear that she could feel the warmth radiating from his body.

A million thoughts were storming within her, but nothing came out of her mouth. Instead, Sakura began to shrink and drew her arms towards her chest. She could tell he was waiting for a reaction, for some response, but she couldn’t bring herself to produce one.

It wasn’t that she was afraid of him. In fact, part of her wanted to lean into him, but the other part wanted to smash through the front door and run.

“Sakura,” he repeated softly. She could sense him getting closer, his feet taking a small step forward to anchor himself behind her. “I really think… we should talk before we go back home.”

Sakura dropped her chin and stared at her boots. When they’d said goodbye to Zenhichi and Fujiko, there had been an awkward silence between them, something magnified once Kakashi had spoken that definitive  _ no _ .

_ No _ , they were not a married couple.

_ “No,”  _ he’d said in response to Fujiko.  _ “We’re just really good partners and friends.” _

But what she wanted to know was if that meant that he was letting her go.

Once they had returned to the apartment, that  _ no _ seemed to ring like a tolling bell, and Sakura just wanted to get away from it. 

As always, she was conflicted. She’d been avoiding any serious conversations with Kakashi following the fight with Masuyo and Yuuto, and so she knew she’d played an enormous role in their present state of discomfort. She had been even more upset that Kakashi didn’t address it earlier; every time she’d attempted to maintain distance during this mission, he’d pull her back and insist that they work it out, that they talk through whatever it was that was bothering her.

He hadn’t done that this time. This time, he’d let her slip away from him, and she’d maintained her distance out of an immature stubbornness she’d never quite grown out of.

Yes, she had been upset with him. She’d been angry that he didn’t believe in her, that he didn’t want her to participate in the conclusion of the mission, and so she responded to her feelings of disappointment with her lover in the only way she knew how to—by holding it in.

Haruno Sakura was someone who loved fiercely, whose heart dedicated itself too strongly to the people it held dear. Yet despite the strength of her emotions, she had never been a woman who had been good at expressing her true feelings. 

That was especially true for Uchiha Sakura.

It always took too much, some sort of external push to get her to admit her true feelings. Perhaps today was no different.

Kakashi sighed behind her and withdrew his arm from the door. Here he was, attempting to be that external force once more, and Sakura wasn’t letting him in. She could sense him giving up behind her. 

He stood there for a moment longer before taking a tentative step back, but that step had somehow set Sakura’s body into motion. His retreat caused her to unexpectedly swivel on her foot and turn to face him. 

When she looked at him and stared into his eyes above his mask, she saw her own reflection there.

Just like her, she could tell that Kakashi had been fighting his own internal battle. He too was confused about what to do at this stage in their mission, in their relationship.

“What is there to say?” she asked him softly, even though she knew that there was so much left unsaid, so many things unresolved between them.

She watched Kakashi scrunch his eyebrows together. He sighed once more and swung his head to the side as if he were exasperated by her feigned ignorance. His body slouched before her and his hands dug into his pockets. 

Perhaps the real question was:  _ where should we start? _

“What I said earlier,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact as he attempted to find a way to talk. “I just… you  _ are _ still married, and I saw you struggling to answer. I didn’t think that either of us were ready to—”

Without thinking, Sakura’s hand moved on its own and pinched on the hem of his navy shirt. She tugged at it lighty, cutting off Kakashi’s words. She watched him look down at her hand curiously, almost painfully, as if he recognized that this was the closest they’d been in a week.

“I get it,” she said, and she really did. It was true that in the moment, she had struggled to answer. At first, she’d been afraid of Kakashi’s potential reaction to any response she’d give. But then she realized that no one besides Sai and Sasuke were aware of her affair with Kakashi, and it was clear that even the entire community of Takumi had knowledge of her infamous marriage to the Uchiha. 

There was nothing else they could have said in response to Fujiko.  _ No  _ was the only acceptable answer.

But because physical contact had been made, Sakura couldn’t seem to stop herself from seeking more of it. Her tip of her fingers clawed at more fabric until it balled into her first, until she could pull him gently forward and rest her cheek on his chest, his body straightening to so that it could lay flush against hers. “Kakashi,” she breathed, closing her eyes and taking in the familiar sensation of his body and warmth. And just as she had always done, when her words seemed to fail her, she would allow her body to do the talking.

So she held him, and she felt that this was the best way to communicate that, despite her confusion, there was  _ still _ something between them, even though he’d said no, even though she’d been avoiding him.

When Kakashi looped his strong arms around her back, she closed her eyes and settled in.

“We’re going home…” she muttered quietly, nestling her face into his shirt. “And I know I told you that I’d make a decision before we left, but there’s no more time… and I don’t know what to do, Kakashi.”

“Well,” he said, resting his chin on the crown of her head. “The first step is actually going home.”

“I don’t want to go,” she admitted, and although she desperately wanted to see her daughter, the fear of facing her reality at home was far more powerful in the moment. She wasn’t ready to let go of the life she’d built here, the identity she’d rediscovered… because once she walked past the gates of Konohagakure, Sakura felt that all of her progress threatened to disappear.

No one knew of the Sakura she’d become while in Takumi—no one except for Kakashi.

One of Kakashi’s hands left the small of her back and moved to cup the back of her head. He caressed her hair in a comforting gesture, making Sakura feel that  _ this _ was the only true safe place for her, the only place where she felt most vulnerable, and the only place where it was  _ okay _ to be vulnerable.

“We have to,” he urged her softly, tightening his embrace. “We’re shinobi after all, and we must report back to our Hokage.”

“Yeah,” she agreed half-heartedly.

“And you have a family to return home to.”

Sakura absently gazed at the floor over the top of Kakashi’s arm. Her mind was running through multiple scenarios: her reunion with Sarada, finalizing the divorce with Sasuke, informing Sarada of her choice and then her friends…

How would everyone react to the news?

Sakura felt herself shrinking into Kakashi, once again feeling as though his arms were like a shield, blocking her from anything that might possibly hurt her.

No, she didn’t want to go. There were too many things to deal with-- she wanted to stay here in Takumi where everything seemed so simple.

For a second, Sakura’s mind went back to that night in the bathroom. 

She had always been the girl that had pined tirelessly over Uchiha Sasuke. She had always been the foolish woman who loved him no matter what he did.

And now that Sasuke had returned to Konoha and worked on the Hokage’s behalf, she had settled into the role of being his wife and the mother of their child.

Even the villagers of Takumi recognized her as such! Who would she be if she didn’t have Sasuke…?

The thought was both infuriating and frightening, and all she could do was pull herself closer.

“Sakura?” Kakashi probed, as if to bring her back from her own consuming thoughts.

Sakura dragged her cheek against his shirt until she was looking up at him, her chin resting on his chest. “Kakashi,” she mumbled softly. “I’m so… afraid.”

“Of what?” His grey eyes regarded her softly, his fingers still lightly brushing against her.

“Of not being strong enough. Of forgetting everything I realized here. Of letting Sasuke walk all over me because I’m too scared of everything changing.”

And it wasn’t  _ just _ that. Even though Sakura had been so confident on the battlefield, although she had concluded that she had her own physical strength and set of accomplished skills, she felt that her identity was just so fragmented. 

Who she was on the battlefield was not the same woman she was in the eyes of those who lived in Konoha.

She was Uchiha Sakura, the medical kunoichi that remained within the village, who would always be waiting for Sasuke to return home.

How would people react to her? To her divorce? To the new relationship she had with her former sensei?

It was easy in Takumi because no one had known who she was. She was able to be whoever she wanted to be.

Konohagakure, however, was not that place. In Konoha, her image and reputation had been long established, and  _ that _ was what frightened her.

“Then don’t forget,” Kakashi replied, as if it truly were the only available option. He made a little space as he peered down at her, the pad of his thumb swiping gently across her cheek.

For a moment, Sakura was transported back into her dining room, the morning Sasuke and Sarada had left after breakfast before she and Kakashi were scheduled to meet in the Hokage’s Office. 

_ "I just have a feeling that he's going to try to stop me," she said quietly, taking his cue to clean up. _

_ "Then don't let him," he said simply with his intonation rising at the end, pausing for a moment to look her in the eye. _

Even then she’d wondered how Kakashi seemed to make things seem so easy, and when she’d been unable to respond, he’d said,  _ “Do what’s best for you for once.” _

A small smile played on her lips as she reminisced fondly. She watched Kakashi’s eyes alight in curiosity as the mood seemed to shift.

Sakura thought back to their earlier embraces, back to when his touch wasn’t so familiar. She smiled, letting go of his shirt to slide the her palms around his sides, coiling her arms around his back, then offered him a familiar response: “I don’t know what I would do without your support, Kakashi. You always make so much sense.”

But his reaction was not the one she had expected. She had expected some shadow of a smile beneath his mask, for his eyes to crease in affection. Instead, the visible parts of his face distorted back into something unreadable--something like pain or confusion, perhaps something in between.

“Sakura,” he exhaled. The sound was as if he were somehow exasperated by her, and suddenly his arms didn’t feel so welcoming. He loosened his embrace, causing Sakura to mimic his movements and even take a timid step back.

She looked up at his face, watching and waiting for him to explain somehow. Kakashi looked off to the side again, raised an arm to ruffle the hair on the back of his head. His body slouched once more as he sighed, dropping his chin to look at the floor and shaking his head in disapproval.

“That’s the problem…”  he muttered almost inaudibly.

Sakura tilted her head to the side, unsure of his words and the meaning of them. “What do you mean?” she asked quietly, instinctively defensive. She felt her brows tightening and a frown return to her face.

“Why did we come here, Sakura?” he asked, turning his head to face her.

She didn’t follow. Her head jerked back on her neck at his question.

“We were assigned this mission by Naruto-kun.”

“No, Sakura,” he exhaled again, this time undeniably exhausted by the topic. “ _ Why _ did Naruto specifically send  _ us _ ? It could have been anyone, but why did he choose  _ you _ ?”

Suddenly, she could feel the familiar sensation of dread in her chest--the heavy kind, the kind that drew tears from her eyes. Sakura broke eye contact and peered down at her feet. 

“... Because he thought I needed it. Because I didn’t know what to do without--”

“Why did you accept the mission?” Now, Kakashi’s voice took a more determined tone, almost as though it were a lecture, or a sensei attempting to bring a student to some revelation.

“Because my Hokage needed me,” she answered quietly, only inwardly feeling slight defiance.

“Is that  _ really _ the reason?” 

“Yes.”

“Sakura,” Kakashi warned. He stepped forward to close the distance she had created, and she continued to retreat, backing herself towards the door until her back hit the wood. He was in front of her then, only a mere 4 or 5 inches away from her chest and head, but she refused to look him in the eye. Instead, she stared absently at his navy shirt. “That’s not what you told me that night in the bathroom…”

Suddenly, Sakura felt her eyes stinging. She didn’t understand why he was pressing her like this. All she’d said was that he’d made so much sense to her, that he’d always given her support.

“Why are you here, Sakura? Why did you leave Konoha? What did you want to accomplish?”

She felt like his words were relentless, like they were digging for things she just wanted to forget because they had hurt her. And because of this, she was slowly beginning to understand what he wanted her to say.

_ Why do we have to go home? _ She wondered to herself, wishing desperately that they could have continued pretending as though  _ this _ was their real life. At this moment, the thought of Konoha and almost anything associated with it just scared her.

“I said…” she began, and then she paused. A tear had fallen down her cheek and she couldn’t stop her lip from trembling. 

“Tell me,” Kakashi said softly, as if he were now attempting to comfort her, the stern tone in his voice melting away. She felt his hand rise and slide gently around her waist, pulling it towards his until they were touching. Sakura, however, kept her shoulders square against the door.

“I said that I wanted to stop feeling so bad about myself… that I wanted to do what I wanted for once… what was best for me....”

“ _ Why? _ ” he urged once more, and then he leaned forward to press his forehead onto hers. 

“Because… I didn’t know who I was without Sasuke. Because everything in my life seemed to revolve around Sasuke.”

Now, Sakura’s tears seemed to fall freely. The dread spread on across her chest, bringing back the ever-familiar question of  _ “Who am I” _ and the feeling that someone was going to leave her.

Why else would Kakashi bring all of this up?

“You found her, Sakura,” Kakashi assured her, gripping even more tightly on her waist. Kakashi rolled his forehead over hers to leave a gentle peck on her cheek. “We came here so that you could see that you were your own person, and you found her.”

“I didn’t do it alone,” she replied. Even though her thoughts were running wild with all kinds of betrayals and secrets, of all the things she did on her own, she couldn’t believe otherwise. 

“Yes you did. Because even I tried to stop you without realizing it.”

And then Sakura moved her head away. All she could feel was the dull heaviness spreading through her, leading her to ask a question that might confirm her suspicions.

“What are you trying to say, Kakashi?” she asked slowly, quietly, drawing her arms into herself in a protective motion as if to soften an incoming blow.

He sighed and shook his head. It seemed as though he held his breath for a moment in preparation for his next words. “Even though you haven’t made up your mind about us, maybe we’re just not in a good--”

“Are you breaking up with me?” she interrupted, her tone colder than she anticipated. She felt  her heart drop within her chest.

Kakashi sighed once more and his grip on her waist loosened. Before he could answer however, Sakura found herself running at the mouth.

“Are you going to leave me alone just like he did?”

She couldn’t conceal the hurt in her voice nor the tremble of her lip.

“Sakura,” Kakashi began, and his voice took on the tone of pleading. His hand tightened on her side, but she pulled herself away. “It’s just that everything about our relationship started with  _ him _ . Even now, you’re comparing my actions to his.  _ Everything _ started with him--he defined our relationship because you were so unhappy, he even confronted  _ me _ with something I might have been battling with… and I don’t want that to be the foundation of our relationship.”

Although she was upset, although her chest felt like it weighed tons, and although her face was streaming with tears, she couldn’t bring herself to respond to him. He was right and she knew it.

“I think we should take a step back. I think we need to go home. You have your family affairs to sort out, and I think we both need to revisit ourselves as individuals… learn from our mistakes.”

Then Kakashi brought his face closer to hers and nudged her cheek with his nose. Sakura resisted the urge to nuzzle against him and wrap her arms around his neck. “I want this to be genuine, Sakura… and if it is, don’t you think we’ll come back to each other?”

Even though Kakashi was making sense to her, everything within her body was screaming  _ no _ ... She didn't want to go back. Going back was more frightening than anything else.

It was evident that Kakashi could see the doubt on her face, prompting him to continue speaking without her response.

"We'll both feel better about our relationship if we can ground ourselves and come back. Right now, there are too many outside factors... I don't want to be the man that stops you from being yourself again. I want you to keep believing in the Sakura you found here..." he said gently. And although Sakura was resisting the urge to touch him, to hold him the way she wanted to, Kakashi's hands slid around her waist and embraced her. Her hands placed themselves on his chest and slid upwards and around his shoulders without her permission.

"You understand... don't you?" he asked as he buried his nose into her hair.

And although everything about this physical interaction felt right, and her tears were beginning to stain his shirt, she nodded in agreement.

It was true that Sasuke really did permeate every part of her relationship with Kakashi, even if she had been unwilling to see it.

As she stood there in the silence, she allowed the idea to sink into her conscience and convinced herself that this wouldn't be the last time Kakashi would hold her this way.

Kakashi was leaving, but this wasn't like Sasuke's departure. This departure still had a promise of a fruitful return, a real one, one that wouldn't be threatened by a perpetual cycle of loneliness and questions... all she had to do was make things right.

Maybe this was the best thing for her after all.

"Will you wait for me?" she murmured into his shirt.

Kakashi's hand slid from her back, past her shoulder blades, and into the nape of her neck. He caressed her gently with both the stroke of his thumb and his sweet words. "Do you even have to ask?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now we have Sakura's perspective! It's time to go home to Konoha!


	48. A Broken Cycle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Nyxako and TipsyRaconteur for their beta work! Also thanks to itslulu42 for giving this a final read through before publishing to make sure I didn't leave a loose end!
> 
> Warning: At the recommendation of a beloved reader, I would like to let everyone know that this is a Sasuke chapter. The last Sasuke/Sakura meeting was not the final encounter--this one is. That doesn't mean it will be smooth sailing though, and it is likely that some events will upset some readers. If you find yourself unable to make it to the end, I recommend scrolling all the way down to read the A/N, where I explain the reasons for the choices I made in this chapter. 
> 
> As always, thanks for your support! And because I know how heavy this chapter is, I'm working double time to get Ch. 49 out a little bit sooner!

It happened in what must've been only two minutes and yet it felt like an eternity.

Finally, after all of that unnecessary distance and tension, Sakura thought she was going to get the kiss she had been pining for.

It was possible that it would have been the last kiss she'd get from Kakashi until who knows when...

But as Kakashi's face drew nearer, as her eyes fluttered closed and her heart started racing, there was a sudden tap of heavy boots near the window and a flutter of a heavy cape. Kakashi and Sakura turned towards the window to see Sasuke glaring angrily at the spectacle before him, causing Sakura to freeze where she stood.

It was obvious that Sasuke was furious, and it was also quite evident that he intended to be sensed and heard. If he wanted to be furtive, he easily could have concealed his movements.

No... Sasuke wanted them to see him like this, for them to know that he'd caught them in the act of their adulterous affair. He'd come here, into their apartment, into the nest of their infidelity, knowing exactly what he would find here.

Within those few seconds of his arrival, Sasuke stomped forward, his boots knocking against the creaking wooden floor. Kakashi released Sakura's body, leaving her skin cold where he previously held her, then swiveled on his foot to face Sasuke, his shoulders squaring as if to protect her from any possible harm or venomous rage that Sasuke surely intended to throw their way.

"Sasuke," Kakashi began, his tone attempting to quell the disastrous wrath approaching them. His arms spread out in either defense or resignation, as if to signal to Sasuke that he didn't intend to fight.

"Shut up," Sasuke hissed, his brows knotting together above his spinning sharingan and rinnegan.

"Listen, Sakura and I just—"

But Sasuke would have none of it. And as Sakura watched the scene unravel before her, she knew that she should say something, that she should interfere somehow, but she was frozen. Her breath was trapped in her throat.

"I said SHUT UP," Sasuke bellowed harshly, and his hand darted out of his black cape to grip onto Kakashi's neck.

"Sasuke—" Sakura wailed, finally alerted by her husband’s violent actions. But Kakashi didn't falter. His eye merely twitched as Sasuke gripped tightly over his throat before being thrown off to the side.

"And get the fuck away from my  _ wife _ ," he spat coldly. Kakashi stumbled and crashed into the dining table, leaning against it to stabilize himself. It was clear that Sasuke opted not to use his strength nor his chakra despite the fury storming within him.

"Sasuke, please!" Sakura cried. She wanted to run after Kakashi, but she knew that doing so might further incite the violent explosion that she knew Sasuke was attempting to restrain.

Ignoring her pleas, however, Sasuke's other arm snaked out of his cape, his Susano'o materializing itself as his missing hand, using it to grip onto her arm while the other curled around her waist.

"We're going home," he growled lowly, withholding his anger and attempting to restore the impassive tone he was so accustomed to displaying.

And before Sakura could protest, before she could will her body to refuse and fight back, his eyes met hers and dropped a weight over her chest. It was like looking into the cold eyes of Medusa—a look that would turn anyone that made contact into stone.

In hardly a second, Sasuke opened his space-time d ō jutsu portal using his eyes, the purple vortex spinning just behind her. Due to her lack of physical resistance, he was easily able to pick her up and walk her through it. Just before she disappeared, however, Sakura could see Kakashi's apologetic expression above his mask, as if he was trying to apologize for his lack of fight, or possibly as a gesture in understanding the lack of a fight in her.

Yet as quickly as she recognized the message he was sending her, she was gone, and the portal was closing in front of her. It took her hardly another second to be aware of her new surroundings. She was in Konoha, in the Uchiha household, in the bedroom she shared with her soon-to-be ex-husband.

Sakura blinked as if she were dreaming, as if Konoha were the dream world and Takumi had been the real one all along. Although it was a simple realization, she struggled to accept it, especially because she had been attempting to escape the very reality of having to return here in the first place.

As she looked at their bedroom, she recognized the navy blue sheets that seemed to be covered in a light layer of dust. The shutters were closed, letting in only a small trickle of light with which she could see more dust floating in the air, likely disturbed by their sudden arrival.

Sasuke put her down, allowing Sakura to stand on her feet. His hands retreated from her body, but Sakura was unresponsive. Her mind was simply too preoccupied with what being home truly meant, and what was about to unfold at this moment between her and Sasuke.

"Is... Sarada here?" she asked tentatively, her arm raising to lay a closed fist above her chest.

"No," he replied stoically.

_ Good, _ she thought to herself. Although she absolutely wanted to see her child, Sakura knew that it was better that Sarada was not present hear or witness the incoming fallout between her parents. It would be better to keep Sarada in the dark over their return—at least for now.

"Do you want to go get her?" Sasuke asked quietly. Whatever rage he had prior to their arrival was gone, and instead, he seemed like his normal self, the one she would see when he returned home from a long journey. "We could go together. She’s looking forward to seeing you."

"No, Sasuke," Sakura replied determinately. Finally, Sakura found the energy to turn on her foot and face him. The sun filtered through the threading holes of the blinds and landing on Sasuke's skin in tiny speckles, lighting his features beneath the glow of his blood red eye.

Sasuke's expression did not change which caused irritation to bubble within her. Sasuke was attempting to brush everything under the rug, to pretend as though whatever issues that had arisen while she had been in Takumi had been nonexistent, as if he did not just walk straight into physical proof that she had been intimate with another man.

She stood in front of him for a moment in hopes that he would say something in response, but when he didn’t, when he merely stood before her with an emotionless face, Sakura thought she might explode. She felt her cheeks heating and a groan building in her throat.

How could he just take her away without her permission and then pretend that nothing at all had happened?

“Sasuke, what the  _ hell _ ?” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in frustration and breaking eye contact. She began to pace on the carpeted floor and crossed her arms. She felt her facial features hardening and her body heating in frustration. “What  _ is _ this? Are you really just going to pretend like nothing is wrong between us?”

“What happened in Takumi is over, Sakura,” he replied simply.

“No, it  _ isn’t _ ,” she shrieked, turning to glare at him. She took a step forward and drew her face towards his. “I said I wanted a divorce and I meant it. The fact that you are even trying to ignore what happened and the way I feel just  _ proves _ you don’t even care to understand me! This isn’t going to work, Sasuke. It’s over. I’m serious.”

“It can’t be over,” Sasuke stated, and as he stared at her, she saw a break in his expression and a hint of concern. “I want to fix it, Sakura, I really do.”

“No you don’t,” she laughed incredulously, shaking her head as a rejection of his claim. “This is jealousy, Sasuke. You’re just upset that I found someone else, but the moment I pick you, I know things are just going to go back to the way they were.”

“They won’t.”

“They  _ will _ ! You’ll be here for a few days, maybe weeks, and then you’ll get restless and leave again for an undetermined amount of time. And while you’re home?” she chuckled bitterly, “It’ll be like it always was: silence between us, like we can’t communicate because we just can’t give each other what we need.”

“Sakura,” Sasuke pleaded irritably, “It’ll be different this time.”

“Why?” she emphasized, setting her hands on her hips. “What makes this different? That there’s another man?”

“No,” he assured her, stepping forward to wrap his hand around her wrist. Unlike most of their interactions as of late, this one was gentle. “It’ll be different because I read Sarada’s letter…”

Sakura couldn’t help but gasp and a look of slight pain registered on her face.

“I didn't get it before… and I know you were trying to tell me for so long, but… I understand now.”

For a second, Sakura felt the guards around her heart lowering. She felt the tension in her body loosening, and her resolve weakening. For the first time, Sasuke was saying words that she hoped he would say for a long time, and despite her anger, she knew that she would always have affection for him.

Sasuke had always been her weakness.

“Please,” Sasuke murmured quietly. The hand wrapped around her wrist pulled her forward and settled on her waist. Instinctively, Sakura’s arms moved away and her hands fell gently onto his forearms. Soon, he was bringing his face nearer and pressing his nose against her temple. “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered. “You and Sarada are my only family...”

The words cut through her chest like a knife. Soon, Sasuke’s arms were embracing her, pulling her close as nestled his face into the crook of her neck. She found that her hands moved on their own to slide up his forearms; then they curled over his shoulders and wrapped around his neck. They held each other in silence then, and at first she thought about how this was the closest she’d been to Sasuke in months, and how this was the sweetest and most genuine he’d been towards her since…

She couldn’t figure when.

But as he held her, she felt as though her heart wanted to burst out of her chest. It was a dull, painful tug of wanting to get away from him because although this had been a realization she’d been waiting for, she couldn’t help but feel upset that only Sarada’s words were able to have this effect on him—it bothered her that he made it seem as though her words were just so easily dismissed.

How many times did she attempt to explain herself throughout the years? How many times did she try to make her feelings known, to tell Sasuke that she was unhappy? That he was affecting not only her but their child?

For a second, she felt her arms tighten around his neck. Her body began to curl inward, causing her to press her cheek into his collarbone. She closed her eyes against him, tried to remember the familiarity of being in her husband's arms... but all she could think about was his selfishness—even while trying to make amends.

_ “Sasuke doesn't understand love like you do—it's not possible for him.” _

And although she knew that Sai was right, that even in this moment, perhaps she was expecting something from Sasuke that he didn't have the ability to fulfill, it didn't change that she needed certain things from her lover.

Sasuke would always, always—even if it were involuntary—be unable to consider her feelings. He'd lived a life alone, without family, with goals that he intended to fulfill no matter who or what he destroyed on the way. And even though he'd become more apologetic for his behavior, this fundamental quality that was based on his own tragic history would never change.

Sasuke didn't know how to live for anyone else but himself, and even in this moment of apology, he'd said,  _ "I  _ don't want to lose _ you." _

But as much as she felt for him, as much as she now understood the origin of his behavior, and strong as her love had always been for Sasuke, she now understood that giving Sasuke what he wanted and lacked for so long meant abandoning her own needs—and Sarada's.

And although she was terrified of what this realization meant—and what would have to happen because of it—she knew that it was what needed to happen. She couldn't let Sasuke's needs come before hers or Sarada's any longer.

Yet Sakura ignored the ache in her chest and moved one of her hands to rest it at the nape of her neck. She adjusted her chin so that she could stare blankly over his shoulder and felt her brows rising in hesitation; her thumb began caressing his neck as if to prepare him for the blow she knew she was going to give him.

In response, Sasuke's arm tightened around her waist, and his nose pressed further into her temple. He kissed her on the head lightly in small bursts and then held her tighter still.

He was afraid. Sakura could tell. He was afraid that she wasn't going to give in, and he was trying so desperately to show her that he wanted her to stay. And as her fingers threaded through long black hair, she mentally rallied the strength to hold her ground.

_ "Kakashi, I'm so afraid." _

_ "Of what?" _ he'd asked her. Her arms were now mimicking how Kakashi's had been in that moment. Sasuke was now in her place.

_ "Of not being strong enough. Of forgetting everything I realized here. Of letting Sasuke walk all over me because I’m too scared of everything changing.” _

_ “Then don’t forget,”  _ Kakashi had replied, as if it truly were the only available option. And it truly was the only available option.

Sakura held Sasuke in her arms for a moment longer, taking in the feel of him,  feeling the kind of love she had for him change in that very moment. She couldn't forget what she'd learned. She couldn't let Sasuke continue to brush her feelings and needs aside.

It was time for Sakura to focus wholeheartedly on her own.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura cooed affectionately. She pulled her head back to look at him only to see him already looking defensive. His lips were pressed into a hard line as she studied his expression, and once her eyes met his, she felt the stone cold fear rising within her once more.

_ Then don't forget _ , she reminded herself, hearing Kakashi's voice as a source of strength.

"I... just..." she sighed, shaking her head while resisting the urge to avoid his gaze. "I can't."

Instead of loosening his grip like she expected, he tightened it, pulling her closer to him. His expression scrunched together, conveying a mix of hurt and anger. She watched, waiting for a response, until finally, his head rocked from side to side and then cocked softly backwards.

"Do you love him that much?"

Of course,  _ him _ could only be one person—Kakashi. And although the answer was indeed yes, Sakura's hands slipped away from his neck and settled back down onto his arms. She shook her head and said, "No, it's... it's not about that. It's not about him."

"Then what is it? I already told you that I want to fix our marriage. I want to listen this time."

"If you want to listen, then please hear what I've been telling you over and over again... Nothing is going to change. Listening doesn't mean that there will be action, Sasuke—not permanent action at least."

"Sakura, I—"

"No, no wait," she interrupted, backing away from him so that his arms slipped away from her and fell to his sides. "Let me ask you a question. Why do you want things to change? Because you realized you were hurting us, or because you're scared of being alone again?"

Sakura paused and studied his face. Any expression that he'd had prior faded away and was replaced by his familiar stoic look. And when he failed to produce a response, Sakura continued. "Let me answer that question for you, Sasuke-kun. You said that  _ you _ don't want to lose us. You knew before this that you were hurting us, but I think you dismissed it under the excuse of the mission... but that only works for so long."

Again, Sasuke failed to say anything. He shook his head in disapproval, but all that escaped him was a sigh. This time, he looked away from her. But once Sakura had opened the floodgates, and once Sasuke established that he was willing to listen, she couldn't stop herself from spilling her soul.

"Every time you left, we had to readjust and get used to your absence. It hurt each time, but I think that it was equally as telling that eventually it became easier to adjust to. Families shouldn't feel like that, Sasuke. And... even though you say you are going to change, I don't think that means you're going to stay. You can't. You've never been able to compromise your own needs and desires for the needs of someone else. And I'm not saying that you do it on purpose, or that there aren't reasons for it, but... everything within this family has always revolved around you... when you're bored and you need to leave, your quest for power, your sexual desire... and when you feel like you're ready to come home and spend time with your family again. It's a cycle, and the only important factor in those decisions is yourself."

"You said you understood," he grumbled quietly. Sasuke closed his eyes, sighed heavily, and then looked at her with a sense of betrayal in his eyes.

"I did. I do. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I gave you every part of me, Sasuke, so that you could focus on your needs, so that you could come home to a family... but if there was one part of my identity that I wouldn't change, it was that I was a kunoichi. I know you know what that means, Sasuke—how it feels to fight, to be successful... and you tried to stop me from having even that."

Sasuke scoffed in response and took a step back. "Look what happened when you left, Sakura. You let your partner—our sensei—get between our marriage." Typically, a reaction like that would have triggered irritation and anger within her, but there was something surprisingly calm about this, something cathartic. It was as though she could finally express what she'd been trying to say without the message being obscured by the pain she'd been holding onto for so long.

"No, Sasuke, that didn't happen because I left. It happened because we weren't able to address any of the problems in our marriage. You would pretend as if they weren't there and then you would leave anyway, just like you wanted to pretend that they weren't real today."

"I did see the problems, Sakura," he conceded, stepping forward once again and closing the distance between them. She kept her feet planted on the floor and allowed his approach. "I saw it the night you cried when Sarada ran away. That's why I let you go..."

Sakura considered this for a moment, but then remembered the disappointment she felt in Sasuke’s lack of an attempt before her departure. "But it was too late, Sasuke... I wanted you to say something, to tell me what you were thinking and what you were feeling, but you stayed silent. Our problems festered for far too long."

He shook his head once more, adamant that Kakashi and the mission had everything to do with their present state in their relationship. "But if you never left for the mission then you wouldn't have—"

“No,” Sakura interrupted, putting a hand up as she spoke. "This isn't about the mission or about Kakashi. Everything that happened on the mission could have been prevented if we addressed our problems before that."

But in that moment, as she was speaking, something began to dawn on her.

The problem had been the two of them. It wasn't just that he was silent or absent, though it had played an enormous role. It had been her as well. She'd walked away from him knowing things were unresolved, she'd let herself fall into the roles she presently found herself in. And although Sai had pointed out that she had unrealistic expectations of Sasuke, and unrealistic hopes of her changing, Sakura realized that Sasuke too had unrealistic expectations of her.

Everything, absolutely everything wrong about their marriage went both ways.

She expected him to change into a more affectionate, family oriented man, who could speak his heart to her for the sake of their marriage. He expected her to remain the girl who would always wait, dote on him, provide him with whatever love and affection he needed whenever he needed it. And as much as she had always wanted to blame him for all of the things that he did wrong in their marriage, it wasn't a competition about who did more wrongs.

For some reason, this realization brought what should have been a bitter smile to her face, but instead, it brought one of relief.

"People don't cheat when they're happy, Sasuke... I've been unhappy with you, and more importantly, I'm unhappy with who I allowed myself to become in trying to make this work between us. It took a lot for me to realize that I thought I could change you when we were married, but I knew deep down that it would never happen. I understand now, Sasuke... we just want different things."

"No, we don't," he countered almost painfully. His tone took on one of pleading, and he reached out once more to hold her. "We both want this to work between us, for Sarada's sake and ours."

Although she knew he was desperately attempting to appeal to her, and although she was inwardly rejecting his words, she allowed his arm to slip around her once more, and even allowed her body to react to his affection. Inspired by pure familiarity, she permitted herself to fall forward into his arms, resting her hands on his triceps.

"I don't want that anymore, Sasuke. I did... but now, I just want to be happy again…”

But this was where she knew she might break. She felt a tremble coming from Sasuke, and she could hear his voice wavering when he said her name.

Besides anger, it was rare for Sasuke to show much of any emotion, and she’d seen more of it today, throughout this mission, than perhaps she had during their entire marriage. But to see Sasuke on the brink of tears was something that she could never get used to; she’d only seen it once before following the war when he’d apologized as she was healing his torn arm.

As if it were instinct, Sakura pulled him into her and pressed his head into her shoulder. Her hand rested on the top of his head, the other on his back to comfort him. She began to press kisses onto the crown of his head as she felt her own tears pricking at the sides of her eyes.

“Don’t go,” he pleaded into her neck before leaving desperate kisses of his own on her skin. Soon, his kisses were trailing up her jaw until he met his mouth with hers. His kiss was urgent and slow, and between movements, she could hear him attempting to say “please,” as he continued to show her his love.

And although this was contrary to everything she had been telling him, she let it happen, and she let her body to respond to him because seeking someone physically when words wouldn't reach was a reaction she knew intimately. This was her husband after all, and everything she knew about relationships, she'd learned from her responses to him.

Soon, his hand was massaging her side and his fingers were playing at the edge of her sweater. It was clear to her that, even in this moment, Sasuke was only listening to himself and not the words she had spoken. He was proving everything she'd said, but because she couldn't help but feel his pain in her heart, she allowed it to continue. In fact, there was a deep part of her that still wanted this because—this time, as twisted as it may have been—it was Sasuke seeking her out.

She was going to walk away... so would it be so bad to share one more night with the man that she thought was the love of her life?

So when Sasuke's fingers dug beneath the hem of her sweater, when his cold hands warmed against her bare skin, Sakura found herself reveling in the warmth she could provide for him. She couldn't stop the tears from collecting at the rims of her eyes and she didn't know if they were happy tears or sad ones. Part of it was recognizing that she'd always long for him, but it was also that she recognized he needed this. Perhaps her tears were due to the recognition that this would be the last time.

"Sasuke," she muttered into his hair as his mouth worked against her neck.

"I love you, Sakura," he replied, his hand making its way to the clasp of her bra to undo it, then led her body towards their bed. He turned her first before lowering her. Sakura took the cue and sat that the edge of the bed. His hand pulled onto her sweater as she sat, allowing him to pull it off and toss it to the floor with her bra. Soon, he mouth was against hers once more. 

He put his knee on the bed between her legs, and Sakura found herself crawling backwards as Sasuke's hand cradled her face. But because Sasuke needed his arm to prop himself up, his hand retreated from her once he leaned forward over her body. 

He paused above her, his eyes active and spinning as though he were slowing down time, committing it to memory. She could see purple and red clearly through his raven hair. He’d only done this once before, when they’d made love for the first time. The memory made the heaviness resurface within her, and the feeling of fondness she had been working to escape came flooding back. But it seemed to Sakura that he was taking in the sight of her in an unfamiliar way—it wasn’t a carnal look, and while those feelings were surely there, she saw pain and regret and love all at once. The pleading never left his eyes, and neither did the glaze of unshed tears.

And when the moment passed in silence, Sakura couldn’t only hear the squeak of the bedsprings as he lowered his mouth to her skin, touching her in ways that his hand was currently unable to do.

First, she felt his soft lips against her neck, sucking lightly before trailing down her collarbone with his tongue. Sakura’s head pressed backward into the mattress from the sensation, feeling her core igniting between her legs from Sasuke’s uncommon focus on her pleasure. Soon, he began lapping lightly at her nipple before taking it into his mouth and biting lightly, causing Sakura’s back to arch in response as she let out a gasp. As his movements grew stronger, Sasuke lowered his hips into hers, pressing his persistent erection into her. 

This was an unfamiliar occurrence for Sakura as typically, Sasuke would only get this far if she had touched him and agreed to going down on him. As these thoughts ran through her, his hand moved back to caress her cheek, his mouth departing from her chest to kiss her on the lips once more. Sasuke then rolled off of her to his side, still pressing persistently onto her thigh and never breaking contact. Sakura wondered if this would be the moment in which he asked for inevitable… but instead, his hand trailed down her body, unhooked her pants, and slowly slipped into her panties.

Sakura’s breath began to stagger in response and her kisses lost rhythm; she was shocked by his initiative as this was a rare occurrence. Sasuke  _ never _ touched her. So when his fingers dipped into her and began to rub, her head pressed back into the mattress and her mouth fell open. To make up for the distance, Sasuke returned to her neck. Her hands slid down her own body to push her pants over her hips, giving Sasuke’s hand more space to touch her.

Soon, Sakura was lightly bucking her body into his hand, the intensity of her movements matching the wave of pleasure slowly building up within her. But despite the pleasure he was making her feel, there was an itch within her that was just  _ waiting _ for Sasuke to back away and ask her to go down on him. The persistent nag began to ebb away at the possibility of a climax. It was likely that Sasuke sensed it as her breathing began to level and her movements calmed beneath him.

In response, Sasuke pulled his fingers out of her and pushed himself up and onto his knees. She watched him through her lowered lashes: he unbuttoned his shirt at the neck just enough to pull his shirt over his head, and then he unbuckled his pants so that they pooled at his knees. Throughout the entirety of his undressing, not once did he break eye contact with Sakura, not even when he backed away further to remove the rest of her clothes.

_ This is it, _ Sakura thought to herself. In preparation and to avoid asking, Sakura waited until Sasuke stood straight before she pushed herself up. He seemed to watched her curiously as Sakura maneuvered on all fours and crawled before him. She stared up at him as her tongue darted out to give him a tentative lick and then enveloped the head of his cock with her lips, swirling her tongue over it as she began to suck.

She watched as Sasuke’s mouth dropped open and his eyes fluttered closed. His open palm reached out to cup her cheek gently before his fingers raked through her hair. But to her surprise, before she had even taken him fully into her mouth, Sasuke sweetly asked her to stop. 

Sakura paused, blinking with his erect cock still in mouth before she let him slip out with a pop. This was unlike him, and it was even more unlike him to smile gently, lovingly even, as he guided her to lay back onto the bed and parted her knees with his. 

The moment seemed to happen quickly; perhaps it was due to her lasting surprise. And when the head of Sasuke’s cock pressed against her opening, she couldn’t help but gasp as he slid himself into her. The sound he made as he sank into her folds almost seemed like relief—like an incoherent  _ yes _ that slipped out without his consent.

And Sakura couldn’t contain the shudder that went through her at the feeling of being filled. She couldn’t ignore the strike of the match igniting her, the idea of Sasuke not needing to be serviced to get this far. 

He simply wanted her.

So when Sasuke began to rock against her, Sakura allowed her eyes to roll back. He didn’t buck wildly, he didn’t become frantic in chasing his own end. Instead, he captured her lips and kissed her gently, leaving a trail as his mouth moved lower to massage her breasts with his tongue.

Sakura’s soft moans only seemed to egg him on. Although his thrusts became more intense, the moment could only be described as making  _ love _ . There was absolutely something different about this encounter and surely both of them knew it.

As he moved in and out of her, Sakura felt the wave of pleasure returning. She felt his body leading her towards her release, and as if on instinct, her fingers reached down between them to further the process. 

Suddenly, however, Sasuke rolled over to the side, causing him to slip out for a moment. He was leaning on his left shoulder, allowing him to use his free hand. Sasuke gently wrapped his hand around Sakura’s thigh and tugged her body toward him. Her back leaned against his chest, then Sasuke swung her leg over his, allowing him to scoot beneath her and enter her from below. 

Even this was new to Sakura as Sasuke seemed to always favor missionary. Yet as he pressed himself into her, he was able to surprise her even further—by reaching over her thigh to rub slow circles over her clit.

Sakura instantly felt tears welling up in her eyes. She was experiencing far too much pleasure, more pleasure than she’d ever been used to from Sasuke. As he thrust into her and rubbed her, he began placing soft kisses on her shoulder blade. She couldn’t believe that  _ this _ was Sasuke, her husband of thirteen years making love to her in ways that she’d never seen from him before.

Soon, however, those thoughts escaped her, and all she could focus on was the immense pleasure of Sasuke’s fingers and the pressure of his member against her tightening walls.

“Oh…. yes…” she mewled above him, to which Sasuke merely began to grunt softly behind her as he continued to leave kisses on her body.

As it turned out, Sakura had always loved to hear the sounds of her partner in ecstacy. And so to hear Sasuke groaning deeply behind her caused her breath to catch and her insides to flutter.

Soon, Sakura found herself right on the edge of her orgasm, pleading for him not to stop.

“P-please, Sasuke-kun, don’t stop! I’m so close!” she gasped, reaching behind her to dig her fingers into his hair.

Sasuke didn’t reply to her; instead his breathing picked up, and the pace of his thrusts grew stronger. This, of course, only increased the sensation that Sakura was feeling, and with just a few more swirls of his finger, Sakura began crumbling around him. For some reason, her orgasm brought more tears to her eyes and caused her moans to turn into a muffled sob. It wasn’t long until it morphed back into her familiar moans, but for a moment, Sakura found herself confused by her body’s reaction when all she felt was pleasure.

Sasuke’s orgasm wasn’t too far behind hers, and as he finished, filling her with warmth, his lips met hers in a soft kiss until they broke away to catch their breaths as an entangled mess of legs and arms.

As they laid in the silence, Sasuke allowed her to use him as a pillow. And as their breathing evened out, Sakura nudged his head with her chin and asked, “Aren’t you going to go clean up?”

“No,” he replied quietly, unmoving. “Not right now.”

And then the two of them remained quiet. They shuffled a few times, and Sakura wondered then wondered why things couldn’t have always been this way.

It took thirteen years for her to feel such an intense sexual connection to him, for it to feel like he was paying attention to her needs and not just his. The thought made her sad, and even renewed the strength of her falling tears.

“Why are you crying?” Sasuke murmured into her hair. 

The question brought her back to that night in the tent, the last time she had slept with Sasuke and the immense emptiness and pain she’d felt that day. He’d asked her that same question, and at the time, she’d lied and said, “ _ It just felt so good, Sasuke-kun…” _

This time, however, she didn’t feel that loneliness. It was true, she did feel some sadness, but it wasn’t the same kind of sadness. Instead, it was the yearning for what could have been after having experienced it. 

The feeling tonight had been bittersweet. She felt connected. It was everything she’d ever wanted, even though they had just fought prior. But the difference made her feel like he really  _ did _ understand what she’d been asking for all this time.

Yet even if he did, she still felt that it all came too late. It was everything she wanted, yet it wasn’t what she wanted anymore… and so she’d remained silent.

When Sakura didn’t answer his question, Sasuke urged her further, regret evident in his voice. “Was it that bad...?”

“No,” Sakura replied, but this time, her  _ no _ was earnest. “It just felt so good, Sasuke-kun… Thank you.”

And this time she meant it.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know… this is quite an unpopular end to the chapter, but worry not! Again, this is a kakasaku fic, but it DOES center primarily around Sakura.
> 
> This particular sexual encounter was planned since the teens of this story. It was the result of a conversation with my first and earliest beta Amrun, and the idea stuck with me all this time. I have to admit, it did feel a bit weird and unnatural for me to write it, but to be honest, I still feel like it was an appropriate choice. You may be wondering why she didn’t think about Kakashi in this moment, but I personally feel like I have two reasonable explanations for it. Kakashi “released” her in Ch. 47, partially because of her inability to separate Sasuke from Kakashi, and so that she could resolve her marital issues before returning to him. The second reason is best explained by the awesome TipsyRaconteur as a result of her beta work: “...it’s also one of those kinds of questionable decisions that people make all the fucking time, especially in already-messy emotional situations like these.” This was pretty much my point in doing this. Sleeping with him wasn’t the best thing to do, but in reality, lots of people make these messy decisions at the end of their relationship. Maybe because they’re confused, sad, used to a routine, but it happens. And given Sakura’s longstanding wishy-washy approach to the demise of her marriage, I can see her slipping back into old habits even as she attempts to back out of it—hence, the sex scene (which wasn’t intended to be sexy either, rather than highlight things that were different from before).
> 
> As I’ve said before… just trust me! Hopefully I can get the next chapter out soon! We’ll be reunited with our girl Sarada for the long-awaited confrontation.


	49. Sasuke's Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I honestly can’t believe the response to the last chapter. As always, I expect one thing and am pleasantly surprised by the way you all receive the hard decisions I’ve made in this story. I’m going to say that about 90% of the reviews were positive and understanding. The last chapter, and some moments in this one, were definitely difficult decisions to make, but to hear that people are feeling for Sasuke, that they truly understand what Sakura was going through even if they too know it isn’t the healthiest way to cope, to have someone literally tell me that this story felt exactly like something they were going through in their own marriage. I just… don’t know how to respond except for thank you. For reading, reviewing, connecting with me, and connecting to the way I’ve been writing the characters. This is some heavy stuff and so the appreciation goes both ways.
> 
> I promised I’d get the next chapter out a lot faster, so here it is. We’re getting so close to the end now!

**** After they had rolled around in silence for quite some time against each other’s bodies, staring absently around the room, Sasuke softly broke the peace when he had asked, “You’re still going to leave, aren’t you?”

She paused for a moment, pressing her cheek against his shoulder as a small squeak of a reply escaped her throat, “Yes.”

He didn’t sigh like she expected him to. He didn’t pull himself away from her. He didn’t grow angry.

Instead, he remained motionless, calm, as if the weight of her words were finally sinking in.

And although she was relieved that Sasuke chose not to restart an argument with her, she was certainly uncomfortable with his lack of response. As always, Sasuke was hard to read. Even as his wife of thirteen years, Sakura had always struggled to truly understand exactly what was running through that secretive mind of his.

Pressing softly against his bare side, the arm that was draped loosely over his torso slid over his chest and her fingers began to brush at his skin. “I’m sorry, Sasuke-kun…” she whispered.

Once more, the lack of his response set her at unease and she felt the heaviness returning to her chest. She hated this--she hated having to say goodbye, she hated having to hurt him, she hated having to leave him alone, and she hated that she still  _ knew _ it had to be so. The sense of mourning--similar to that of the one she had experienced in Takumi when she’d first declared her intent to divorce him--returned in full force, causing her already-glazed eyes to sting with sorrow.

Sakura never could properly step back and accept that not everything was entirely her fault--not even this--despite the numerous conclusions she had made about their mutual role in the destruction of their marriage.

Suddenly, Sakura found herself crying, her hot tears streaming down her face and searing Sasuke’s bare shoulder. As much as she tried to withhold it, the sounds of her muffled sobs escaped her throat as a choke, materializing as a tremble in her body.

Surprisingly, Sasuke noticed and rolled over so that he was facing her. As his arm wrapped around her back and pulled her into him, her arms were trapped between their bodies--which was fine as she needed to use her hands to wipe away her tears. Sasuke never said a word as she did so. He only pressed his lips onto her forehead, attempting to quiet her cries without making a sound of his own.

She thought it was sweet, of course, but the gesture only made her cry even more. Again, she wondered why it couldn’t have always been this way. This was everything she had always wanted, and now, it was too late. She wondered if things would have changed if she’d held on just a  _ little _ bit longer, but then she reminded herself that these changes really only came as the result of her mission and her affair--the thought of which only seemed to make her cry harder.

Her affair.

Finally, as she was pressed into the arms of her husband, a vision of Kakashi’s kind and loving smile flashed in her mind.

_ “Why are you here, Sakura? Why did you leave Konoha? What did you want to accomplish?” _

She heard Kakashi’s questions ringing in her head, paired with his affectionate expressions. 

_ “Because… I didn’t know who I was without Sasuke. Because everything in my life seemed to revolve around Sasuke,” _ she had replied.

For a moment, she thought she had regretted her actions, simply because they were wrong and contrary to her marriage vows. But when she remembered Kakashi and everything that they’d experienced together, she’d cried harder, yes, but she knew she couldn’t possibly have regretted it.

Everything happened the way it needed to happen. Otherwise, she’d have remained stuck. There would’ve been no way that she could’ve made all of those revelations on her own…

_ “You found her, Sakura,” Kakashi assured her, gripping even more tightly on her waist. Kakashi rolled his forehead over hers to leave a gentle peck on her cheek. “We came here so you could see that you were your own person, and you found her.” _

And although she wholeheartedly believed what Kakashi said to her, although she was appreciative of the guidance both he and Sai had perhaps unintentionally provided for her, Sakura was still sorry. She was sorry simply because it happened and because the price of her revelations were the broken hearts of the people around her.

Especially Sasuke… and Sarada.

With this thought, Sakura found herself shrinking into Sasuke’s arms, pulling her own arms out of the cavity between them, then wrapping them around Sasuke’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated again, pressing her face into the crook of his neck, muffling her words. She didn’t expect him to respond this time, and so instead, she fought against her hiccuping sobs and added, “I’m so sorry for cheating on you, for hurting you the way I did.”

At this, Sakura’s arms tightened around him and his hand reached up to gently graze against her hair. 

And although there were absolutely a multitude of things Sasuke had to apologize for, she decided not to chase it. Doing so would do neither of them any good. She was going to walk away no matter what, and although she couldn’t control what Sasuke wanted to say, she definitely could control what she knew she  _ should _ say before she left.

“I won’t justify what I did, because even though we both could have done things differently in this marriage, I… what I did wasn’t right.” Sakura was still crying, but the admission somehow allowed her to calm herself, slowing the stream of her tears and the hiccups inhibiting her ability to speak clearly.

“You don’t have to say it’s okay or that you forgive me--it isn’t okay.” And then, with a determined look in her eyes, Sakura moved her head away from his neck and looked straight at Sasuke. 

“I love you,” she said definitively and without wavering, feeling Sasuke draw himself even closer to her and tighten his embrace around her waist. “I will always love you,” she continued softly, moving her hand away from his neck to swipe a thumb over his cheek. “And even if you never forgive me for what I did, I just want you to know that despite everything that happened between us, I’m sorry for the way I handled the end of our marriage.”

Sasuke’s eyes scanned her face as she stared at him and spoke with absolute clarity. He didn’t loosen his grip even though she was sure he could sense what was coming...

“We have a child together, Sasuke. No matter what, we will always be a family, and I will always welcome you home with open arms… but from now on, it just won’t be as your wife.”

And then Sakura waited. She felt the breath catch in her throat, keeping herself still as she anticipated and even feared any kind of response. She waited for some indication of emotion on his face. None came. She waited for him to release her, to leave angrily, to argue back. He did nothing.

He simply stared at her, his lips pressed in a thin line, looking at her directly in her eyes.

He was  _ listening _ .

Sakura’s hand moved to rake his hair backwards, exposing both of his eyes to her without obstruction. Then her hand moved back to rest upon his cheek.

It occurred to Sakura that perhaps Sasuke didn’t quite know  _ what _ to do in this moment. He wasn’t exactly an expert in relationships. People typically left his life either in battle or in death--this was neither of those things.

And even if she knew this to be true, she still sought  _ something _ from him.

“You understand… don’t you?”

For a moment, she recognized how she had been parroting Kakashi’s exact questions, but the thought quickly escaped her. Instead, she began to hold her breath. Sasuke bore into her eyes for a second longer before sighing and shutting his. Then, he nodded slowly, keeping his eyes closed and loosening his grip.

“I’ll go then,” he replied stoically.

Finally, Sasuke pushed himself into a sitting position and turned his head away from her, his black hair falling back into place. She watched him retreat with a little bit of longing and a pain in her chest. Although she was used to this feeling, this time, there was something heavier about it, caused by the knowledge that this departure really would be the last time.

She watched as Sasuke swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pushed himself onto his feet. Just as she had for so many years, her eyes followed him as his naked backside walked away from her and retreated into the light of the bathroom. She watched him as he leaned forward onto the bathroom sink, sighing momentarily as his head hung low before looking at himself in the mirror. The sight was a painful one… and she couldn’t quite rid herself of it, even as he stood straight and pivoted to turn on the water in the shower.

Yet before he was able to step into it, Sakura found herself in motion, almost springing towards him until her torso pressed against his back.

He froze.

“Sasuke-kun,” she whispered against him, pressing her cheek onto his shoulder blades. She felt her heart thumping out of her chest, and she was certain that he could feel it too. Despite her better judgment--her body not even allowing her a moment to think about it--Sakura found herself muttering the words, “You don’t have to go tonight… It’ll be… the last night.”

And they stood there for some time. She knew that she shouldn’t have slept with him. She knew that she should have let him walk away because spending another night together might just make it hurt more--for both of them. But just like the time she screamed her declaration of divorce at him, she found herself unable to let her separation just happen. Her heart yearned so desperately for _ the last time _ .

Logic and love never seemed to work together within her. Tonight was no different.

Then, without a word, Sasuke reached out to grab her wrist and pulled her into the shower with him. Sakura, battling her own sense of logic and love, relented--simply because her heart always seemed to prevail over what logic was telling her.

* * *

The following morning began in a strange kind of silence. Unlike most mornings prior, Sasuke did not leave the bed when he woke. Usually, he’d be quick to rise and retreat to the bathroom, readying himself for whatever he had planned for the day.

Today, however, both he and Sakura remained under their navy sheets, loosely wrapped in each other’s arms.

Given last night’s revelations and admissions, there was something heavy in the air. It was something like waking up on the morning of a funeral despite a lack of death. There was an unfamiliar feeling of both mourning and acceptance--the two emotions coexisted in this moment and both of them, it seemed, found it hard to pry themselves out of the bed with these feelings weighing on them.

Getting out of bed meant the end. It meant a final goodbye to their last moments together as husband and wife, as closure to their last intimate encounter.

Regardless, both of them knew it was coming. They had spent the night doing things she knew they shouldn’t have, but she allowed nonetheless. And in between certain moments, they had brief conversations in which they made decisions about the following day.

Once they’d ended up back in their bed, they’d decided at some point in the night to speak to Naruto  _ before _ retrieving Sarada from the Uzumaki household. When the two of them found themselves on the brink of sleep, Sasuke pressed himself against her back, spooning her. And she swore that  _ just before _ she slipped into her slumber that she heard him whisper against her hair, “I’m sorry…”

That would be enough. She didn’t need to dig for the specifics. She knew he wasn’t capable of revealing that much anyway.

But despite the mournful desire to stay in bed, to stop things from changing, to prevent the upcoming confrontations, Sakura knew it was time to rise when the street outside bustled with the noise of daily life.

She turned to Sasuke in the bed to find him staring absently up at the ceiling.

“Sasuke-kun,” she said quietly. He didn’t look at her. “We… should go. Before Naruto’s schedule gets too busy.”

And in a similar fashion to the night prior, Sasuke closed his eyes and sighed before rolling himself up and off the bed. Truly, for the last time, she watched him retreat into the bathroom and shut the door.

This time, she wouldn’t allow herself to get up and chase after him. And… for some reason, this time, she didn’t feel the absolute pull to do so.

* * *

“Sasuke! Sakura-chan!” Naruto called cheerfully. Sasuke stepped in first, and Sakura quickly filed in behind him, shutting the door to his office so that the three of them would be alone.

They had run into Shikamaru outside, and of course he had asked them about their absence during Kakashi and Sai’s mission report. In response, Sakura had been apologetic, explaining that there were things they needed to speak to Naruto about in private. Shikamaru took the hint and agreed, allowing them a ten minute window between Naruto’s appointments.

Naruto, however, remained blissfully unaware despite the sullen look on his teammates faces. His eyes were glistening, as proud as ever to have them all in the same room.

“How come you guys weren’t here for the mission report? Kakashi and Sai already came in filled us in on your end of the mission.” Then Naruto turned his head towards Sasuke with closed eyes and poked out his lips. “I already know what happened during Sasuke’s travels.”

If only Naruto were aware of how untrue that was. Surely, he didn’t _actually_ know what had transpired between teammates during this mission.

“Naruto,” Sakura began hesitantly, but Naruto would not be interrupted. Instead, he embarked on a full barrage of information that he felt they should know. He fumbled through various folders on his desk, looking for the proper mission details, as he began to explain what happened following the capture of Yuuto and Masuyo.

“So, you guys already know that we allowed the Orochimaru to follow up on the captured nin. Yamato-sensei and Interrogation Department are overseeing the investigation, but we’ve discovered that somehow, the two nin kept working on their sound ninjutsu on their own after escaping during the 4th Shinobi War. I mean, we’ve been looking into all these caves ever since Konohamaru’s team discovered that cave with White Zetsu, but this one was just a fluke.” Then he paused and looked straight at Sasuke. “Luckily, Sasuke burns the tree remains every time he finds one. Who knows what the Zetsu would have done if they’d discovered it…”

Then Naruto paused, and although Sakura was indeed listening, she couldn’t help but shuffle restlessly on her feet. To be quite honest, the mission details were the least of her concerns at the moment, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop him just yet. She was afraid, and she was especially worried about wiping such a jolly look off of Naruto’s face.

His cheer was typically contagious--just not today.

Naruto seemed to be thinking hard as he hummed in his chair. He raised a hand to ruffle his short blonde hair, closing his eyes as he thought hard about whatever it was he wanted to say.

“Where’s Shikamaru? He’s better at this than I am, dattebayo…” 

“Naruto,” Sasuke interrupted, causing Naruto to look at him with raised eyebrows. 

And then there was a moment of silence. Sakura looked at Sasuke, who looked at her for a second before diverting his attention back to their blonde Hokage.

“What is it?”

Sakura knew that she’d have to do most of the talking, especially given Sasuke’s general silence. The divorce  _ was _ her decision after all, and they had maybe six minutes left after all of Naruto’s rambling.

“Naruto, Sasuke and I have something to tell you,” she reported hesitantly, locking her hands behind her back and avoiding eye contact.

In that moment, she felt the mood emanating off of Naruto shift into something much more serious. “What is it?” he repeated, but the intonation of the question had changed.

“Sasuke and I,” Sakura began, her brows furrowing as her glance shifted between Sasuke, Naruto, and the floor. “We… um…”

And then Sasuke finished the sentence for her, sounding a little bit impatient. “We’re getting a divorce.”

Silence.

Sakura chewed on her bottom lip before peering up to see Naruto staring at them in utter shock. His blue eyes were wide open and his mouth was slightly agape. 

“W-what do you…” he began, but he failed to complete his sentence. Surely, a divorce between his beloved teammates was not something he expected to be hit with today, if ever. Naruto’s eyebrows scrunched together. He was deep in thought, but the expression he wore seemed to be one of pain or even betrayal, as if it was Team 7 splitting up and not just Sasuke and Sakura.

“No wonder Kakashi and Sai hesitated when I asked where you were… it looked like they had something they didn’t want to tell me.”

“Naruto,” Sakura said softly, as if to comfort him, but there was no comfort she could offer.

“Why?” he asked, blinking twice and shifting his eyes between she and Sasuke. “What led you to this decision?”

Sakura inhaled deeply, preparing herself to reveal the painful truth, summarizing the problems between she and Sasuke, and even the affair she’d had with their former Sensei. And although she had internally made this decision, she found her body battling with her mind once more. The words were caught in her throat. She didn’t even know how to start…

Yet, just like he had before, Sasuke’s patience with the moment seemed to run out. It wasn’t angry, but it was clear that he wanted this meeting to end. Discussing the matter of feelings was not something that someone like Sasuke enjoyed doing.

“Because I couldn’t fulfill my vows as her husband,” he interjected quickly, as stoically as always.

Sakura switched her head in his direction and stared at him in shock. “Sasuke,” she began, but he merely held a hand up to her, indicating that he didn’t wish for her to say any more. Clearly, he was stopping her from telling Naruto the truth. Perhaps Sasuke felt that Naruto couldn’t handle it. Perhaps he felt ashamed of it, and didn’t want anyone else to know.

She’d never be certain, but she wouldn’t argue with his decision. 

Sasuke looked straight at her, and indicated with a head motion that he’d like for her to wait outside. They didn’t have much time, and he was essentially telling her that he’d like to speak with Naruto alone.

Maybe it’d be easier that way. Sasuke and Naruto had always had a connection that she’d never be able to breach. So Sakura nodded and turned to exit the office. Before she did so, however, she gave one last apologetic look to Naruto, then twisted the handle to leave.

* * *

“You were right,” Sasuke conceded with closed eyes.

Naruto sat at his desk with his fingers laced and his elbows resting on his desk. He had flashbacks of his last conversation with Sasuke--the one in which Sasuke barged into the office upset about Sakura’s newly updated active status.  The same conversation in which he  _ warned _ him about Sakura’s emotional plight.

_ “Why is my wife being sent on missions?” _ Sasuke had asked that morning.

And ultimately, after explaining to Sasuke that Sakura needed this and that she was happier doing it, Naruto still had ask him,  _ “shouldn’t you at least think about your family from time to time?” _

Sasuke’s only reply was that  _ “personal feelings get in the way.” _

While Naruto understood that he wasn’t as bright as his peers, or that he didn’t have the best of memory, he distinctly remembered saying,  _ “And that’s why you don’t see what you are doing to them. Sakura is hurting. Your daughter is hurting. And even if they know your mission is important, it doesn’t make it hurt less.” _

Although even he could deduce what led up to this decision, he couldn’t help but ask anyway. “What’s going on, Sasuke?” Naruto asked with a crestfallen tone. 

“You told me that I didn’t see what I was doing to them… that there was only so much she could take,” Sasuke replied. As usual, even when he was sharing upsetting news, the only expression his friend could muster was an emotionless one--eyes closed with his mouth set in a line.

_ I knew it _ , Naruto thought to himself, internally exasperated with Sasuke for failing to listen to his advice. It was too late. Naruto knew it then and knew it now. Sakura could only take so much.

“Sasuke,” Naruto hummed quietly, upset by the reminder and by being correct about something that he didn’t wish to be correct about. “Are you both sure about this…?”

“This was Sakura’s decision,” Sasuke admitted, saying no more about it.

Although Naruto understood what was happening, there had always been a side to him that was eternally optimistic, that believed everything could be worked out somehow. As such, he began a frantic attempt to convince himself that all would be alright, that Sakura would realize that she loved Sasuke, just like she always had. 

“Don’t worry, Sasuke!” Naruto said hesitantly, attempting to lighten the mood and add some cheer to the situation. “Sakura’s always had a temper, but she loves you. She’s just mad right now, but she’ll come around!”

Sasuke, however, stood before the desk with his eyes closed, unresponsive. 

Naruto chewed on his lip and scrunched his brows together, mulling through different possibilities. But he knew, as always, once Sasuke decided to stop responding, the conversation wouldn’t go further.  Once the conversation came to a halt, Naruto couldn’t do anything but to accept the circumstances.

Then it was quiet for a moment. He thought back to the progress Sasuke had made since the war, and truthfully, couldn’t help but wonder if Sasuke would revert somehow or fail to return home.

“What about Sarada-chan?” Naruto asked regretfully. He had genuine concern for the way this would affect her, but he also hoped to glean some sort of answer about his commitment to coming back.

“We’re going to pick her up from Hinata right now.”

But the response didn’t suffice, leaving Naruto to reveal his true concern when as he blurted out his last question: “Are you going to leave Konoha?”

Yet before Sasuke had an opportunity to reply, Shikamaru knocked loudly against the door, instantly causing irritation within him. “Hokage-sama! Your next appointment is here. We can’t keep them waiting for too long.”

And without response, Sasuke turned towards the door to exit.

“Sasuke!” Naruto called out. His eyebrows scrunched together in a knot. He knew he would be thinking about this all day if he didn’t get a response.

But Sasuke would not answer his friend’s call. Instead, he slipped through the door, allowing Shikamaru to take his place.

* * *

When Sakura and Sasuke first retrieved Sarada from the Uzumaki household, she’d been utterly ecstatic. She’d yelled out “Mama! Papa!” and broke into a run, taking both of them into her arms in turns.

Sakura couldn’t help but smile. She hadn’t seen her in months and she swore that in her absence, her daughter had certainly grown taller, perhaps a little more mature in her features, and her black hair an inch longer than it had been before. As Sakura held her daughter, she couldn’t help the swell of love in her chest. She was holding the only true love of her life in her arms, but even that couldn’t make her immune to the dull ache in her chest for the confrontation that was surely to come.

When she’d seen Sarada’s excited reaction to her parent’s arrival, it was clear to her that Sasuke had never delivered that letter she wrote--the one she’d worked so hard to compose… to carefully let Sarada know that she didn’t want to pretend that everything was alright any longer.

As they walked home, Sasuke had Sarada’s bag slung over his shoulder. Both Sakura and Sasuke passively listened to Sarada’s retelling of her adventures. First, she gave much more detail about her internship at Hokage tower, specifically about her newfound relationship with her Naruto-ojisan, which was progress because he had to really fight to get her to stop referring to him as Nanadaime at home. 

After that, she talked at length about her adventures with Himawari, and how even she began to have what seemed to be like sibling scuffles with Boruto, certainly still attempting to hide whatever secret feelings she held for the boy.

Lastly, she began to speak freely about her training progress with Konohamaru, and it was around this time that her rambling began to slow, and Sarada finally started to pick up on the awkward air between Sakura and Sasuke.

Sasuke never really reacted to much of anything anyway, but it was certainly uncommon for Sakura to merely hum in approval or nod her head.

It had been awhile, true, but this was definitely something that Sarada wouldn’t be able to overlook for too long.

Once she had noticed, the rest of the walk proceeded in relative silence. Sakura peered down at her daughter to find her scrunching her brows and pressing her lips into a thin line. She looked like the perfect mix of both her parents in that moment: her mouth mimicking that of her father’s pressed silence, and her eyes mimicking her mother’s inability to hide whatever emotions she was battling on this inside.

The recognition of these features caused a flare of affection for her family within Sakura, but it was quickly overshadowed by their arrival to their home. And when the Uchiha family entered their home together, each of them kicked off their shoes in silence and made their way to the dining room table.

“Sarada,” Sakura called out, motioning her over to the table to sit down. Sasuke, however, didn’t join them. Instead, he leaned his back against the wall, eyes closed as if he were in deep thought.

Now, there was no way to for Sarada to ignore that something was up. She looked back and forth between her parents, expecting news of some sort. It saddened Sakura to think that whatever it was Sarada must’ve been considering couldn’t have been worse than what was really about to happen.

No child, Sakura thought, would ever be fully ready to just accept news of a divorce.

“What’s… going on?” Sarada asked quietly, raising a hand to push her glasses up the bridge of her nose. She then sat with her hands folded neatly on the table, waiting expectantly for one of her parents to reveal the news to her.

Before answering her however, Sakura turned on her chair to look back and Sasuke. He met her glance with a raised brow, waiting for her inquiry. 

“Sasuke-kun, do you… have that letter I wrote for Sarada?”

Without response, Sasuke reached into his back pouch and pulled out a relatively crumpled scroll. When he handed it to her, Sakura turned back to Sarada to find her expression even more worried and confused than before.

Sakura began to mimic the look on Sarada’s face--her own eyebrows furrowing at the center. Like mother, like daughter, Sakura thought, then pushed her trivial thoughts aside.

“Sarada, your father and I…” she began hesitantly, looking down at Sarada’s fumbling hands. She reached out across the table to grab onto a hand before continuing, feeling the fear rising within her.

This was the moment she had been afraid of for so long, the moment that would change everything, that threatened to send Sakura running back with her tail between her legs.

_ “I’m so… afraid,” _ she’d said to Kakashi during their last encounter.  _ “Of not being strong enough. Of forgetting everything I realized here. Of letting Sasuke walk all over me because I’m too scared of everything changing.” _

_ “Then don’t forget…” _

Sakura closed her eyes and exhaled, hearing Kakashi’s voice once more. She’d done half of it. While she may not have done so in the best way, she didn’t let Sasuke stop her, and informing Sarada of the divorce was the final step in making it reality.

She had to do it.

“Your father and I,” she repeated. “We’re… we’ve decided to go our separate ways.”

Sakura felt Sarada’s body twitch and her hand jerk lightly underneath her own hand. She stopped blinking and stared in disbelief at Sakura and then at Sasuke.

“What… do you mean?” she asked hesitantly, slowly pulling her hand away from Sakura’s. 

For a moment, Sakura’s head reeled. As much as she thought about this moment, she realized she’d never quite prepared herself for Sarada’s questions. Sakura never wanted to think about it long enough to thoroughly plan for it. Then again, maybe this was the kind of conversation a mother could never adequately prepare for.

“Do you… remember the letters you wrote me?” Sakura asked weakly, thinking that the way to approach this might be through the contents of her letters. “You said that you understood why Boruto and Naruto fought all the time. You said it hurt less not to see him at all than to keep hoping that he’ll make time…?”

“What about it?” Sarada replied almost defensively, as if she were going to reject that she’d ever made such claims in the first place if it was going to be used as justification for this news.

“That night I make the decision that… it would be best to to stop lying to you about your papa’s absences.”

Sarada’s eyes widened in shock and her head shook to reject the notion. Sakura had to remind herself that she was dealing with a teenager here, and no matter how mature Sarada portrayed herself, at the end of the day, her reactions would most certainly be tainted by her emotions.

She was a lot like Sakura in that way. That was something Sakura never quite grew out of.

But even though Sakura had started with the letter, even though she’d wanted to say something about Sarada admitting that she’d lost hope in her childish dream, that she’d been saddened by the kind of liveliness that the Uzumaki family had, Sakura couldn’t bring herself to finish her thoughts. 

She was stumbling, and it was causing her to panic.

“I just,” she stuttered, trying to find the words. And when her fist tightened, she felt and heard the sound of crinkled paper, remembering that she was holding everything she wanted to say to Sarada in the first place.

“Here,” Sakura offered, holding out the scroll to her daughter. “I wrote this in reply to that letter. I gave it to your papa to deliver to you, but it didn’t make it home in time…”

Slowly, Sarada retrieved the scroll from her mother’s loose grip and unrolled it, reading the contents aloud.

_ “Dear Sarada,” _ she began. 

_ “I want you to know that there is nothing more important to me in the world than you. _

_ Throughout your entire life, the one thing I fought for the most was for your happiness. I dreamed that, no matter where you papa was, no matter how long he’d been gone, that you and I would be happy together. _

_ But Mama’s never been good at hiding her emotions. I guess you could see through me all along.” _

At this point in the letter, Sarada’s reading slowed down significantly, and Sakura could hear the heaviness in her voice as certain realizations dawned on her. Sakura and Sasuke made eye contact for a moment; even he had a little bit of a crease in his brow and a frown on his lips.

_ “This time, I’ll be honest with you. I’m so sad, Sarada. I’m sad I couldn’t give you the home that I so desperately wanted for you. I’m sad I couldn’t give you the happy family you always dreamed of. I tried so hard, but I’m so sad that I was powerless to bring your father home to you. _

_ I’m so sorry. I don’t want to pretend anymore that everything will be okay because you said that it hurts less not to see him at all than to keep hope. You’re right. It does and it will. And you and I will have each other to make it through that. _

_ I won’t lie about it anymore. I won’t speak for Papa’s intentions any longer. I won’t promise he’ll come home because I’ve never known if that was true, or when it would be true. I never knew when to expect him. His mission was always top secret, even from me. _

_ But if there is one thing I am absolutely certain of regardless of his absence, it is that he loves you.” _

Sarada paused here, and Sakura noticed a tremble at her daughter’s lip as she peered up at her father, perhaps seeking some sort of validation in this statement. When it didn’t come, possibly because Sasuke didn’t quite know how to respond in that moment, Sarada sniffled and turned back to the letter.

_ “He loves you in a way that neither of us can understand, in a way so uniquely your papa that it’s hard for us to see it. Sai-ojisan helped me understand that.” _

In that moment, Sakura was grateful that she had written those words. She was grateful to Sai because she had noticed Sarada’s tension softening as she read that sentence. She was seeking  _ something _ from Sasuke, but it made sense to her that his style of love was unique and that they’d both struggled to understand it.

_ “I won’t make excuses for him, and I know we’ve hidden things from you before, but when I get home, it will be time for you to learn everything about your papa and I… about his past.. About why he is the way he is. _

_ And it won’t change that he was absent, but maybe the truth will be better than holding on to false images of your papa that he can’t fulfill. _

_ I did that. I lied to you. I thought I was protecting you. I’m so sorry, Sarada. I hope you’ll forgive me for my mistakes, and the mistakes that I may continue to make in the future.  _

_ I love you more than anything in the world. _

_ Mama.” _

When Sarada reached the end of the letter, she gently placed it onto the table and looked at Sakura dead in the eye. She was displaying an emotional strength that neither she nor Sasuke had, and that was evident when she failed to break eye contact even as a tear began to stream down her reddening cheek.

“Do you… understand why I’ve made this decision?” Sakura asked quietly, hoping that the letter got through to her somehow and said everything Sakura failed to say on her own in this conversation.

“No, I don’t,” Sarada responded haughtily, her brows scrunching in what seemed to be a fit of anger. “I get it that Papa is gone all the time and that it hurts, but I  _ don’t _ understand why that means you have to get a divorce!”

But Sakura was at a loss. She wasn’t quite sure how to continue and could feel the panic rising within her. Surprisingly, and without thinking, Sakura found herself seeking Sasuke’s attention, hoping that  _ somehow _ he would find it in himself to jump in. She was hoping that he would access whatever it was within him that brought him to jump in in their conversation with Naruto. 

When he returned her glance, Sasuke began to speak, making it clear that he understood what she needed in this moment. “Sarada, your mother and I think that it will be better this way.”

“How?” she asked defiantly, her lip trembling as tears continued to stream down her face. “How could it be better for our family to break up?”

“I don’t want to keep hurting you with my absence. I read your letters and I’ve been speaking to your mother,” he explained calmly. Sasuke pushed himself off of the wall and approached the table, pulling a chair out to take a seat beside Sakura. “My mission was my way of protecting you both, but I realize now that I’ve been doing so while causing pain.”

“Then don’t  _ go _ on these missions,” Sarada countered, returning Sasuke’s admission with a hardened stare. As Sakura watched her daughter fight for their family, she couldn’t help but begin to tear up. 

All Sakura could think about what how  _ she _ had caused this and that there was no way for her to really win. In the end, someone was going to be hurt no matter what… but Sarada knew better than to suggest something like that to Sasuke--to any shinobi really. And so in the same way she sought Sasuke’s contribution in this conversation, Sakura felt that it was only right to do the same here.

“Sarada, you know that isn’t a realistic suggestion for your papa. We’re all shinobi here, and you know that your papa is the only shinobi who can do what he does,” Sakura reminded her, trying to appeal to her logic in some way. But even in doing so, Sakura knew best that the heart and the mind never worked well together in these situations.

“So, what are you saying?” Sarada asked, turning her bewildered stare towards her mother. “You said you were upset by his absence too, so why are you defending him now?”

This, of course, silenced Sakura. Sarada was right, and the only reason Sakura was able to argue the contrary perspective now was because it was the way out of this marriage and it was a step closer to the life she really wanted…

“Because she understands,” Sasuke asserted. It was clear that he was losing a little bit of patience. Sasuke had never really been around to handle family disputes like these, and so Sakura understood that this was essentially uncharted territory for him, but that he was trying. “Your mother knows me, she knows the needs of this village, and she knows what’s at stake if I don’t take these missions.”

And like Sasuke, Sarada was not used to her father being part of this dynamic. It was likely that she didn’t know how to respond to him, if she could speak back to him in the same way she could speak to her mother which might’ve explained her lack of response.

“You said it yourself,” Sasuke added with a twinge of regret in his voice. “It’ll hurt less when you don’t expect me…”

Sarada looked down at her lap and seemed to be reconsidering these words. She was quiet for a moment, and Sakura hoped that they were making some progress.

Instead, Sarada raised her tear-rimmed eyes and asked a heartbreaking question: “...So, this is my fault, isn’t it? If I never said that none of this would be happening…”

“No!” Sakura screeched, the  _ no _ escaping her as both a desperate cry and a muffled sob. The reaction was instantaneous. Sakura’s body moved on its own and jerked out of her chair into a standing position, her hands pressed on the table for support. “No, no, Sarada…” she continued, making her way around the table to crouch beside her daughter. “None of this is your fault! This is between your papa and I, we just… can’t keep you in the dark because it will affect you too.”

And then Sakura paused. Sarada refused to look her mother in the eye as tears fell freely down her cheeks, staining her shirt. Whatever emotional strength Sarada was portraying earlier, it was gone now. And now, Sakura’s more protective and nurturing instincts were kicking in, causing her to reach out and gently take her daughters hand.

“You’re right,” she added quietly, still attempting to appeal to Sarada’s logic  _ and _ emotion. “His absence really upset me and I know it seems strange now that I’m defending his missions. You knew how unhappy I was, even if I was trying to hide it. But as I explained to Papa, and as I wrote in that letter to you, I want to be free of that--I want all of us to be free of that.”

But Sarada pulled her hand away, shaking her head as she refuted her mother’s claims. “What’s the difference? If Papa’s never home, why does it matter if you get a divorce? He still won’t be here, and you’ll still be alone!”

Sakura couldn’t help but think about Kakashi, and briefly considered if she should admit that the Rokudaime was in the picture. She quickly rejected the thought, however, recognizing that it would likely cause more complications and anger than they needed to deal with at the moment. And when Sakura looked at Sasuke, he returned her glance and shook his head, implying to her that discretion was probably the best option here--just like it was with Naruto.

Sasuke sighed instead and answered Sarada’s argument. “I want your mother to find happiness… with someone that isn’t me. Someone who can be there for both of you when I can’t.” And to Sakura’s surprise, although he was speaking to Sarada, he looked straight at her, as if he was  _ finally _ communicating to her that he  _ heard _ what she’d been telling him in these past encounters.

It was a heavy feeling, but Sakura couldn’t help but smile weakly at him, silently thanking him for what he’d said.

“So what are you saying?” Sarada asked through her sniffles, wiping her eyes with her wrists. “Are you saying you’re never going to come home again because of this?”

Both Sasuke and Sakura turned to her, and in unison spoke out, “No.”

“Then what’s the point?” she cried again, jerking herself out of her seat to stand. “Nothing is going to change, so why do it?!”

Then Sarada side-stepped around Sakura and darted off to her room, leaving Sakura and Sasuke in silence. As expected, Sakura couldn’t stop herself from crying. She felt defeated, like nothing she could say at this point would get through to Sarada. And of course, all she could do was beat herself up for what had happened.

Was her own happiness really worth hurting their daughter like this?

Sakura raised her hands to her eyes and began to cry in them, attempting to wipe away the heavy stream of tears.

Suddenly, however, Sakura felt Sasuke’s hand on her shoulder. Then he slid his hand down her arm and gently pulled her into a standing position. Before she knew it, Sakura was tucked under his cape and was wrapped in his comforting embrace. She cried onto his shoulder for a moment before Sasuke said, “Let me talk to her.”

She backed away to look up at him in slight shock. She was grateful for Sasuke’s level of involvement in the conversation, but it didn’t make it any less unusual.

Despite her stare, Sasuke took a step back, allowing his arm to slip away from Sakura’s waist. Then he walked off in the direction of Sarada’s room, leaving Sakura to watch him from behind once again.

And although she understood his request, she found herself unable to stay away and followed him to the room. Instead of entering, however, she pressed her back against the wall beside the door so that she could listen.

“Go away Papa!” Sarada cried into her pillow. It sounded as though she were sobbing into it, curling up as she tried to send her father away. Instead, Sakura heard the creak of the bedsprings as Sasuke sat on the bed beside his daughter.

“Sarada, I…” he began. Clearly, he was hesitating with how to begin, but even then, Sakura couldn’t help but be grateful that he was trying, that he wasn’t leaving all of this to her to deal with on her own.

“I’m not the man you think I am,” he concluded, and Sakura found herself holding her breath at the admission.

“You know that we are the only Uchiha left… when my brother slaughtered our clan, I… wanted revenge. I wanted blood for blood and I abandoned Konoha.”

Sakura swore that she could hear a tiny gasp come from her daughter and light movement on the bed. She could only guess, but Sakura imagined that Sarada had rolled over or sat up to look directly at Sasuke.

“Your mom and Naruto tried to stop me, but I wouldn’t listen. I even joined two organizations bent on destroying Konoha, and even the entire shinobi world… including the organization responsible for the 4th Shinobi War.”

Sakura’s lip began to tremble as she listened in. She could only imagine that Sarada was experiencing incredible confusion--some sort of identity displacement for her father--and that surely, she was in disbelief. Even though Sasuke had been sharing the wildly truncated version of the story, it was heavy news nonetheless. 

Sasuke’s past was something everyone worked tirelessly to hide from Sarada, thinking that it would protect her. Of course, she’d heard rumors through school or other careless adults in passing, but Sakura had always rejected the claims, insisting that they simply didn’t understand Sasuke or that they didn’t have the full story.

Even then, Sakura had worked incredibly hard--with the support of her friends--to keep Sasuke’s image positive in the eyes of their daughter.

To hear this, she imagined, could only be devastating.

“I need you to understand that… I’ve done a lot of bad things. I hurt a lot of people. I killed a lot of people. I even tried to kill her and Naruto…And because of my past, I can’t be the father that you’ve always needed me to be.  _ That’s _ what your mother meant when she said that it was time for you to learn the truth about me.”

That admission seemed to be the hardest so far. And although she couldn’t imagine the stress that Sarada must’ve been going through, even hearing these words come from  _ Sasuke himself _ was too painful for her to handle. Sakura slid down the wall and held her palm to her mouth, attempting to muffle the cries that were threatening to reveal her presence.

But just when she thought his words couldn’t be more painful, she was wrong.

“Your mother saved me from that life. She loved me even though she knew who I was and what I’d done. I’ve done a lot of horrible things to her, and for the significance of what she’s done for me, she deserves the happiness that I’m not able to give her.”

Sakura swore she heard affection and regret in his words, which only made them sting more. She felt her heart swelling with pain, love, and regret all at once. She couldn’t handle it. The cry she was choking back was turning into physical pain in her chest and throat, and she desperately wanted to let it go… but she fought it back, shutting her eyes tight as the tears continued to flow.

“I’m trying to fix it now. I’m trying to protect both of you and Konoha as redemption for all of the harm I’ve caused… but I will  _ never _ abandon you. Or her, even if we’re getting this divorce. Even if it isn’t as often as we’d like, you are my family and I will always come home for you.”

That was it. Sakura couldn’t hold it in any longer, and the sob escaped her throat in a strangled sound. And once she heard her daughter’s cries, she knew her cover was blown and she stood to slowly enter the room. 

She found Sarada in Sasuke’s arms. He was cradling her within his cape and she was crying into his shoulder, just like Sakura done just moments ago. Sasuke looked up at Sakura in the doorway and offered her a gentle look, then looked back at his daughter.

“Will you still allow me to visit from time to time?” he asked Sarada, moving to lift her chin up to face him before poking her forehead.

The look on Sarada’s face was heartbreaking--all she could manage to do was stop herself from trembling too much before burying her face into his chest and crying aloud.

Sakura felt compelled to answer for her. She approached them slowly, kneeling at the edge of her bed, just beside Sasuke’s legs and Sarada’s body. Sakura opened her arms to embrace them both, sliding her arm underneath Sasuke’s cape to hold her daughter, her other arm reaching to grasp tightly onto Sasuke’s vest.

“Always. The two of us. Even as things change between us, we’ll always welcome you home.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… some justification on the choices I made here. Although Sarada is typically super mature and rational, I feel that even she is young enough in which those characteristics would go out the window over something like this. In Boruto, we do see her emotions getting the better of her sometimes, like when she chases after Sasuke and reawakens her sharingan, or when she decides to go against the rules with Boruto for Mitsuki.
> 
> From my observation, most of the fics I have read have Sasuke as entirely unexpressive, somewhat void of emotion, or a raging huge asshole. I would say that I definitely have some of that reflected throughout the story, but I did go a different direction in this chapter. In regards to his sudden turn of character, this came from a series of “evidence” so to speak from canon:  
> 1) The emotion he displayed upon Itachi’s death and learning the truth.  
> 2) The emotion we saw at the end of the war after the fight with Naruto.  
> 3) ***BIG ONE: The response he had when accidentally traumatizing Sarada during her Boruto arc. He was regretful for almost killing her. When Sakura showed up, she was like, “I’m sorry, I thought I explained it to her,” or something like that (referring to his general absence and mission, I thought), and Sasuke admits that it was all his fault.  
> 4) The sort of weird way of showing his concern when she passed out upon his return home, and he crouched next to the couch beside her.  
> 5) The whole thing that Sakura said to Sarada about talking to Sasuke a lot when they're alone.  
> Anyway, so while his emotional redemption isn’t really something we come across often in canon, I did feel like there was potential there to do something like this in my story… huge emotional breakdown (violence and anger in previous chapters) and then growth from reflection (the last two chapters)... hence, his character development! We’ve seen him in all forms during canon, and so I guess I felt the same could be true here.
> 
> Also, as my awesome friends and betas mentioned to me, they felt that this was the kind of redemption and character development that Kishimoto should have given him. I guess that’s what I wanted too! As always, they are the best for being the most amazing betas.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed! Until next chapter! ^___^


	50. See You Later, Haruno Sakura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I've been so appreciative of all the reviews you've been leaving, especially for those of you on either Ao3 or FF.net! As I've mentioned, I'm so grateful to all of you and your constant support.
> 
> I also want to thank TipsyRaconteur for her beta work on this chapter! <3
> 
> Happy Holidays everyone!

**** It had been about a week since Sakura and Sasuke had announced the news to Naruto and Sarada. 

That day, Sarada had cried herself to sleep in her father’s arms. Once she had awoken from her nap, she had decided to leave the house for some alone time. She explained that she needed to process the information and had gone to the training fields with Cho Cho to blow off some steam.

While she was gone, Sakura had genuinely thanked Sasuke for what he’d done then proceeded to talk about what they would do next. Now that Sarada knew about their decision, they couldn’t have anymore “for the last time” moments. Sleeping in the same room would confuse their daughter. 

As such, they had decided that Sasuke would sleep on the living room couch until Sakura could find him a new apartment. In fact, she had volunteered to be the one to house hunt due to the lingering guilt of pushing him out of their house in the first place. Besides, Sasuke had never really done this for himself. After the Uchiha Compound was destroyed, it was the Sandaime who’d housed Sasuke until he abandoned Konoha, and even when he’d returned to Konoha, he’d left to travel anyway. Once he decided to settle in Konoha—insofar as settling could mean to him—it was with Sakura, who handled everything then as well.

Sakura and Sasuke had also decided to keep the decision under wraps for now, and although Naruto had already spilled the beans to Shikamaru and Hinata, he had agreed to withhold the information until the Uchiha family was ready to make it public.

Following the first night, Sarada was regularly at home, likely savoring the last moments with her complete family while she could. Thankfully, Naruto was willing to grant all three of them “vacation” time to settle whatever they needed to do, and so it was easy to spend time with Sarada. 

Each day, Sakura cooked and served the meals to the family. During this time, they took extra precaution to remain civil. They were careful, however, not to make it seem like everything was _too_ _alright_ because it might cause Sarada to question the divorce once more. For that reason, even if the family were spending time together, they had to ensure there was a decent amount of distance.

Sometimes, Sarada and Sasuke would train in the yard, and other days, they would sit indoors so that she could ask more questions about Sasuke’s past. Some nights, she would revert to sulking about the divorce, disappearing in her room for some time before returning to the common areas. 

It was clear to Sakura that Sarada was slowly accepting the news, and once Sakura had revealed the possible apartment listings for Sasuke, Sarada was interested in proximity and the quality of each unit. They had collaboratively decided on a simple two bedroom apartment that was close to the family home. Sarada had asked if she could have her own room so that she could stay with her father when he was in town. Of course, neither Sakura or Sasuke could refuse. And after all this, it was important to Sakura that Sarada continue to have a relationship with her father. She imagined that the offer  _ had _ to have warmed Sasuke’s heart too.

They received the keys to the apartment two days after the decision was made. They moved what few boxes Sasuke had to his new lodging, and when Sakura began to unpack his living room box, she found that he had packed the last family portrait that they had taken together. The discovery had pained her, but even so, she’d taken it out of the box and had placed it on one of the built-in wall shelves.

Sakura had also arranged for new furniture deliveries to his apartment, most of which were black-stained wood. As they unloaded and moved various pieces into the apartment, Sakura heard the murmuring of onlookers but chose it ignore it. Perhaps they wouldn’t be able to keep it secret for too long. 

Choosing the furniture, however, had ended up being a fun activity for Sarada, who enjoyed chiming in and selecting not _only_ Sasuke’s general furniture, but furniture for her second bedroom. To Sakura’s surprise, much of what Sarada chose ended up complimenting Sasuke’s other furniture. When Sakura asked about the darker colors, her daughter had replied, “Well, I _am_ getting older, mama. Only little kids have bright colors everywhere.”

Unfortunately, Sasuke’s little vacation time expired in the middle of the move. More leads on suspicious caverns had come up, and the leaders in Hokage Tower felt it imperative that Sasuke continue his investigations before more locations piled up.

Sasuke apologized for having to depart, but Sarada and Sakura had agreed to continue the work without him, promising he’d have a home ready for lounging by the time he returned.

At sunset, both Sakura and Sarada walked with him to send him off at the gates, equipped with a new key and food that Sakura had prepared for him in his pack. Of course, Sarada received the traditional poke-on-the-forehead, but he’d typically refrained from doing the same for Sakura. It was no longer appropriate anyway.

Before he left, Sakura still felt the heaviness and sorrow of what used to be between them, and his eyes lingered on her for a moment longer than usual before turning away and saying goodbye. She felt like that was his way of communicating something to her, even if he couldn’t say it. Perhaps it was a thank you, a message of sorrow, a goodbye that was more than just literal.

Sakura wondered for a moment if  _ this _ was what always welcoming him home would look like. She wondered if she would continue to support him, to regularly care for him—not because she loved him romantically, but because she had always cared for him as both a teammate and a friend.

Could this kind of civil relationship continue between them? She wasn’t sure… but for the sake of their daughter, she was open to the possibility of trying it out.

* * *

 

Kakashi had been home for a little longer than a week, and adjusting back into his normal routine wasn’t nearly as seamless as he thought it’d be.

For one, he’d had to pack up the remaining items in the Takumi apartment alone. Once Sasuke had taken Sakura away, he’d spent a little time mulling over whether or not allowing it was the right thing to do. Sure, he could’ve stepped in like a brave knight to save her, but what good would that have done for their relationship, her divorce to Sasuke, and for her own self-discovery?

Sakura was more than capable of stopping it herself if that were what she really wanted. Kakashi knew that, and he knew that neither of them had the proper disposition to make a good decision in that moment.

Thankfully, since he was no longer undercover, Kakashi was able to speed back to Konoha in less than half the time it took him and Sakura to walk to Takumi. Before departing, he’d considered leaving behind most of their things, but a small tug in his chest stopped him from making that decision.

Besides, Kakashi’s apartment was barren anyway. He could use a little extra stuff, he reasoned with himself.

Now, his cupboard was full of various ceramic plates and mugs that he’d shared with Sakura in their mission apartment. His bed was strewn with the king-sized knitted grey blanket Sakura had given to him. He’d even taken Sakura’s little yellow table runner and had adorned his small dining table with it.

The only things he didn’t quite know what to do with were the items with real meaning: the painting, the portrait, the keychain, and the bear. Interestingly enough, even the gray and pink towel set was lumped in with these items, and Kakashi found himself pushing them into the recesses of a small closet by his front door.

As the week progressed, however, Kakashi found that the items around the house made adjusting back into solitary life even harder.

It was hard not to imagine Sakura waking beside him. It was hard to cook for one instead of two. It was hard not to see a woman’s touch every time he saw the little things that Sakura had collected for their daily use.

Just as it had been in Takumi,  _ Icha Icha _ was not offering him much of a retreat, and he couldn’t stop himself from wondering just what had happened when Sasuke took Sakura home. At first, the itch for this knowledge was incredibly strong, and he’d had to give all his effort not to seek her out. But as the week passed, the itch grew weaker, and although he remained curious, he’d been able to tell himself that Sakura would come to him when she was ready, just like he’d asked her to.

He just had to be patient.

So the days of the week passed like clockwork: Kakashi would wake up alone, he’d make a simple breakfast, he’d take a morning walk, perch himself on a tree in an attempt to read his books, then he’d seek out some task that needed fulfilling at Hokage Tower.

Naruto was never short on tasks, and although offering his assistance was quite unlike him, it did serve as a worthwhile distraction. Naruto even seemed to be perturbed about  _ something _ , but the two of them—with occasional interruption from Shikamaru—ultimately worked in silence until Naruto spilled the beans that he’d been upset because of Sakura and Sasuke’s divorce.

Kakashi would have been lying to himself if he didn’t acknowledge the small somersaults he felt within his chest at the news, but as always, he’d kept his outward appearance unaffected. He’d paid extra attention to the way he drooped his eyelids and kept his stance lazy. During that conversation, he’d done his best to remain aloof while trying to discover if Naruto had any knowledge about their affair. In that short conversation, he’d come to the conclusion that Naruto had absolutely no idea, but he’d also come across the knowledge that Sasuke would be leaving the village soon.

The news had set Kakashi into motion. Although he’d been telling himself that Sakura would come to him when she was ready, the idea of Sasuke leaving made him feel as though maybe he could just  _ talk _ to her…

But he found himself even battling with  _ that _ idea. What if she wasn’t ready? What if there were too many things going on and she needed space? After all, he did say that she needed to figure out how to resolve things on her own, so what would going to see her do? But was it the right thing to do to avoid each other as if nothing had happened at all?

And now that Sasuke was leaving, he wondered if… maybe he should go and see him too. Yet Kakashi found himself scoffing at the notion because that couldn’t possibly go well. Regardless, he felt like he should talk to Sasuke because he’d been the one to intervene in the Uchiha marriage in the first place, and if something were to continue between he and Sakura… wouldn’t it be the right thing to do? He still cared for Sasuke, after all.

Despite his inner conflict, Kakashi found himself returning home with the contents of his closet in mind. As he travelled to his apartment, he wasn’t ignorant to the murmuring of Sakura’s divorce amongst the civilians, and that the family had been spotted moving what looked like men’s stuff into a new apartment.

He’d thought about it all the way home and couldn’t help but think about what must’ve transpired between Sasuke and Sakura. As he walked through the door of his apartment, he quickly turned to dig into that secret corner of his closet, the one that held the evidence of where his heart lay. He then reached for a small canvas bag that he stored in the closet and began to place some of the items in the bag.

He didn’t exactly have a plan, but he knew he couldn’t stop the nagging in his chest. 

Something would have to be done about it. He just hoped that whatever he did wouldn’t be stupid… or end up in a fight.

* * *

 

Instead of returning to the house with Sakura, Sarada asked if she could run off to meet with her friends for the rest of the evening.

Sakura found no reason to deny her; besides, she felt that she could use that time to wrap her head around everything that had happened in the past week. And although she considered taking the time to think about everything, what she really felt that needed was someone to talk  _ to _ .

For a moment, she found herself walking in the direction of Kakashi’s apartment, only to stop herself before going to far. She wasn’t ready to return to him, and even she felt that he might say it was too soon for her to have completely resolved everything that had just happened in her marriage.

She remembered his words clearly:  _ “I think we should take a step back. I think we need to go home. You have your family affairs to sort out, and I think we both need to revisit ourselves as individuals… learn from our mistakes.” _

He was right, and although she’d been initially upset by the notion and had been crying her eyes out, she knew that it  _ wouldn’t _ be the right thing to do to just fall back into his arms.

_ “I want this to be genuine,” _ he’d said to her, and she found herself smiling lightly.  _ “... and if it is, don’t you think we’ll come back to each other?” _

Although the question was posed to her through her own memory, she closed her eyes and nodded gently. 

They’d come back to each other, but just not yet.

_ “I want you to keep believing in the Sakura you found here,” _ Kakashi’s voice reminded her, and she’d taken the first step. She’d separated from the force that she felt had suppressed her after all these years.

Walking aimlessly in the direction of town, Sakura peered up at the sky which was colored a mixture of purple, blue, and orange from the setting sun. She  _ could _ return to the hospital, taking her position once more as the head of the medics, but that had a sour taste to it.

No, it was the adventure she’d loved. It was having a team, pulling off the dangerous, coming out victorious against all odds.

The office was not where she wanted to be any more.

She thought about Sarada and how lucky her daughter had been—she had the excitement of being a new shinobi, the exhilaration of discovering how your team worked best.

And with that thought, Sakura found a nugget of an idea—one that would combine all of the things she’d just mused over in one simple solution.

She smiled widely, energy pouring throughout her body, and she found herself running in the direction of Hokage Tower. The day was ending, which surely meant Naruto’s appointments were dwindling down. Naruto was her best friend after all, and if she wanted someone to talk to, someone to run her ideas by, the Hokage was definitely the right person. 

As she ran towards the tower, she couldn’t help but think about all of the things that had transpired. She started this whole thing as an insecure woman—one who didn’t know how she fit into the world. She’d felt unwanted, unneeded, left out, and lonely. Even when Naruto had put her back onto the active roster with Kakashi, she’d initially been afraid of violating her role as a mother, of being inactive for so long that she’d potentially end up dead.

Despite that, however, she and her team had emerged from their latest mission victorious simply because  _ she _ had been on it. She remembered that without her skillset, it was likely they would have been defeated. This particular mission called for offensive medical ninjutsu.  _ No one _ —save for maybe Tsunade herself—would have managed what she’d done on that mission, and it was from that experience that Sakura validated that she was indeed one of the most powerful kunoichi on the field. It didn’t matter  _ who _ she was romantically involved with, or  _ who _ her famous teammates were.

No one could take that strength away from her, and she reveled in the thought that she could now admit this to herself without a speckle of doubt. She had the kind of jutsu only available to a small few. Most medical nin didn’t have the same offensive power as she did, and most offensive shinobi lacked the chakra discipline to conjure proper medical ninjutsu. But Sakura had it all—she wielded offensive, defensive, and medical skills to the highest degree, and she  _ knew _ these were skills that she should share with the world.

And so she smiled bravely as she approached the Hokage Tower, ran up the steps toward Naruto’s office, swirled past all of the people making their way towards the exit. Once her hand made contact with his door, she almost didn’t care who was inside and essentially slammed the door wide open.

Naruto was sitting at his desk, holding a mug of some hot beverage, mid-conversation with Shikamaru. Both men paused as she stood at the doorway panting, her grin as wide as her cheeks could manage.

“Sakura-chan…” he began quietly, confused by her sudden positive entrance.

“Naruto,” she declared resolutely, fixing her stance by standing straight and leveling her shoulders. “I want my own team of academy genin!”

* * *

 

As Sasuke walked further and further away from the gates, he could hear his daughter turn to Sakura and ask if she could spend the rest of the evening with her friends. He’d listened to Sakura cheerfully agree to the idea before his daughter ran from the gate.

He didn’t turn around, but he wondered if Sakura remained at the gate watching him or if she had turned away this time. He’d never told her this, but the act of her waiting for his image to disappear always made him feel loved. Perhaps he should have told her—years ago, even—but it was too late. She’d never know now.

But when he looked into the hesitant face of his now ex-wife before he’d walked away, he knew that she too was troubled by the moment, unsure of what the future held for dismantled Uchiha family. She’d never been good at hiding her emotions whereas he was all too skilled at doing so. 

The truth was that the last parting caused a soreness in his chest, made him feel regret for all the things he should have said but never found the strength to say.

Once upon a time, he’d believed that Sakura’s desire to spill her heart out at every opportunity was her weakness. Now he realized it was another one of her strengths.

Many, many years ago, when he was 13 and he’d abandoned Konoha for the first time, he’d traveled down this very path and found Sakura waiting near the gates to stop him.

_ “Why are you hanging around in a place like this in the middle of the night?”  _ he’d asked her, though he knew the question was redundant. Sasuke had been acutely aware of her purpose in meeting him by the gates.

_ “One has to pass down this road to leave the village…” _ she’d hesitantly responded behind him.

He’d dismissed her then, as usual, telling her to do anything other than what she had been attempting to do in that moment. But as he walked away from her, she’d spoken the words that he never realized would haunt him for the rest of his life until now.

_ “Why… why won’t you tell me anything? Why are you always silent like that? You won’t tell me one single thing.”  _ Sasuke had been able to tell from the tremble of her voice that she’d started crying. He didn’t have to turn around and look at her to confirm it. Yet despite his slight softness for his teammate, he wasn’t able to perceive her questions as anything but another one of her weaknesses.

_ “Why should I have to tell you anything?!”  _ Sasuke had snapped back, losing his cool for a moment before he had regained his sense of calm.  _ “I’m telling you to keep your nose out of my business. Stop bothering me over everything I do.” _

She had been quiet then, likely still crying, and after hearing words like that, in retrospect, he wasn’t sure he could really blame her for it.

And yet, she’d said more that would stick with him, words he didn’t realize had such weight until she’d truly left him:  _ “I… make you dislike me all the time, don’t I?” _

Sasuke had always believed that Sakura jumped to conclusions. Back then, they’d made a little more sense; he’d been angry, dead-set on revenge, and she had the spoiled perspective of one who had everything Sasuke and Naruto didn’t. But in their adult lives, in their marriage, he realized now that his lack of sharing his thoughts and feelings with her was perceived by Sakura as if he thought she were inadequate to him.

He’d been such a fool. Yet even after his clear rejection of her, Sakura hadn’t backed down, and she’d tried to persuade him to stop his nonsense with appealing to him of happier times with their four-man team.  _ “Do you remember? … Sasuke-kun and me… and also Naruto and Kakashi-sensei. The four of us went on various missions, didn’t we? Those were tough and difficult times… but… more than anything, it was so much fun!” _

She had paused then. He could her that she’d begun to smile faintly during her reminiscing, but the tone of her attempted plea quickly changed after that.

_ “I know about your family, Sasuke-kun,”  _ she’d admitted softly.  _ “But revenge… that won’t bring anyone happiness. No one… neither you nor I.” _

As an adult, Sasuke now understood that his path had been misguided, but young Sasuke only saw this as more of an irritant. 

_ “As expected, I’m different from you guys,” _ he’d responded as he attempted to rein in any displeasure in his voice.  _ “I’m walking a road that’s incompatible with the rest of you. The four of us worked together… and that’s true that there was a time when I thought that was my road… but in the end, I decided on revenge. That’s been my reason for living. I can’t become like you and Naruto.” _

Sasuke inwardly scoffed at the damned parallel between now and then. Even in his own redemption, he wasn’t able to shake that off… Even if revenge was no longer his reason for living and redemption was, he  _ still _ was unable to settle into life in the same way as Naruto and Sakura had.

Just as it had been then, it was now. This idea that he was different was still his reason for leaving, for isolating himself. Sakura had never been a stranger to that notion.

_ “Are you going to isolate yourself again, Sasuke-kun?!” _ she’d asked in utter panic, realizing that her pleas were not being received.  _ “You taught me that solitude is a very rough thing… now I know exactly how that feels! I have both family and friends… but if you were no longer here Sasuke… for me, it would be the same as solitude.” _

Sasuke shook his head. He closed his eyes as he walked forward, scrunching his eyebrows from the weight of his realization. She had been sobbing, he’d heard the pain in her voice, but he’d been so blinded by anything and everything else but her confession. Her words meant almost nothing to him then, but today, they meant almost everything. They embodied every mistake he’d made between now and then.

At the time, he’d inwardly scoffed at the prospect of her believing that she even remotely understood solitude. How could she when even she’d admitted that she had family and friends? How could she have equated true solitude with just her  _ crush _ leaving the village. He was nothing to her, and at 13, he thought it was pathetic that she’d given him so much importance in her life.

But that was the fatal flaw in their marriage—this idea that Sakura would  _ never _ truly understand him or his feelings of solitude or the need to redeem himself. He’d believed all this time that there was only  _ one _ kind of solitude—the kind that only he and Naruto truly knew and lived.

What he didn’t understand was that solitude could take on many forms. She loved him. He left. Over and over again. And even as an adult who was  _ still _ surrounded by friends and family, by their own daughter, Sakura had always held onto that same feeling:  _ “If you were no longer here, Sasuke… for me, it would be the same as solitude.” _

He’d never listened. He’d never heard her. He simply dismissed it because it wasn’t the same as his understanding of solitude. But he understood now that just because it was different didn’t mean she wasn’t feeling it.

And he’d let it her feel it for too long. Now it was too late. 

_ “From here again,” _ he’d begun, dismissing her once more.  _ “We’re going to start walking our new paths individually.” _

Sasuke had made his choice, and he’d continued to make the same choice over and over again. It was as though Sasuke had put Sakura under an Infinite Tsukuyomi of sorts. She may not have realized in the same way as he had, but suddenly Sasuke understood that Sakura lived through this same memory over, and over, and over, and over again.

He wanted to leave, and she’d try to stop him, and instead of tending to her heart, he caused more pain.

_ “I love you so very very much, Sasuke-kun!” _ she had screamed, attempting to use her volume to stop him and alert anyone nearby that there was an issue.  _ “If you would only be with me, Sasuke-kun, I won’t let you regret it, no matter what! I’ll make it fun every day and you will definitely find happiness! I’ll do anything for you, Sasuke-kun! So I’m begging you, please… stay here!” _

Sakura had truly done her best over the years. If only he knew then what he knew now… if only he’d known it even a few months ago.

Uchiha Sakura  _ had _ made him happy. He just… refused to acknowledge it to himself or to her, and he had refused to show it to her.

And so Sasuke concluded then that the very thing he thought was a weakness in Sakura ended up being a weakness in himself.

If he could’ve just made different choices…  _ showed  _ her,  _ told  _ her that she did make him happy—if only he would have listened earlier, maybe, just maybe he could have fixed everything. It never occurred to him that Sakura would reach her limit, and that was honestly a foolish and selfish conclusion.

He and Sakura had unknowingly been walking on different paths for too long, and now, they’d walk on separate ones for good… and really, he thought to himself, he only had his own choices to blame.

* * *

 

Kakashi found himself pressing his back against a tree located in the outer perimeter of Konohagakure’s main gates.

Once he’d heard that Sasuke was departing today, his feet had automatically taken him in this direction, and although he’d been mentally questioning his decisions, he forced himself to dig his feet into the ground rather than to retreat.

He spent the hour or so thinking about how he would start this conversation, what he could possibly say to Sasuke after all he’d done to the man. Even worse, Kakashi had the small canvas bag of Sakura’s memorabilia tied to his leg, and the small velvet jewelry box stuffed into his pocket, his fingers fumbling over the soft material.

Yet even when he sensed the chakra of all three Uchiha, Kakashi realized he’d made no progress. He didn’t know what he was going to say, and he knew he didn’t have anymore time.

Soon, Sakura and Sarada’s chakra faded away as they left the gate, but Sasuke’s chakra grew stronger as he approached Kakashi’s location.

Kakashi wasn’t necessarily hiding himself, and so he knew that confrontation would be unavoidable at this point. Before he knew it, Sasuke’s cape dragged and swept over the foliage of various bushes and leaves near him, and when his image emerged in front of him, the two men stood in silence for some time.

Kakashi’s fingers swept over the velvet box a few more times before he pulled his hand from his pocket and crossed his arms over his chest. He sighed heavily, and then began to speak.

“Sasuke,” Kakashi said quietly, and despite his attempt to sound calm, he wondered if Sasuke could sense the strength of his pulsing veins. He was nervous. 

“I heard,” was all he could manage, and he hoped that Sasuke would put two and two together and conclude that he was talking about the divorce.

Yet, as usual, Sasuke failed to produce a response. The only difference that Kakashi could sense was that the once deadly aura that surrounded Sasuke whenever Sakura came up was surprisingly absent, causing Kakashi to lower his guard a tiny bit.

It wasn’t at all like their last encounter in the apartment; it was nothing like the electricity of anger that sparked between them in the forest of Takumi before they’d settled on going to see Orochimaru as a two-man team. 

Instead, Sasuke seemed to be regarding him somewhat passively on the surface. Kakashi couldn’t be too careful though. Even though his former student reminded him of himself, he couldn’t read him too well. Sasuke would always remain somewhat of an enigma.

But instead of standing in utter silence like he’d expected, Sasuke took a moment to close his eyes and conjure up a response. Kakashi couldn’t help but mentally brace himself. The last time he’d waited for Sasuke to finish an unexpected thought, he’d slapped him in the face with the most painful realization—that Sakura wasn’t his Rin.

“Do you remember the conversation we had in the forest?” Sasuke asked quietly, keeping his eyes closed. With that one question, Kakashi envisioned the two of them sitting across from each other once more in the dark of the forest, with only the fire they’d sat built between them.

Kakashi nodded once, but inwardly, the nervousness returned in full force. There had to be a reason Sasuke was referring back to that night, that painful conversation. He began to brace himself once more.

“You asked me if I found happiness.”

Kakashi waited. He didn’t know how to respond and instead, his eyes drifted down to the dirt at their feet, to the place where the fire would have been had it been that night.

“I didn’t know I already had it,” Sasuke replied quietly, shocking Kakashi into looking straight at him.

The revelation, of course, was a painful one, causing slight regret in Kakashi’s chest as if, once again, he were personally responsible for all of this turmoil. As such, Kakashi didn’t have time to think about his response before his mouth was moving on its own.

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi sighed, looking away once more and raising a hand to rest his fingers on his temple. He couldn’t stop his mouth from rambling either, from revealing all sorts of guilt that he’d held hostage for so long. “I’ve failed you as a sensei and as a friend—twice: when I let you leave Konoha and… now I’ve come between you and Sakura.”

Kakashi couldn’t believe what he’d just admitted to Sasuke, and from his peripheral vision, he saw Sasuke’s fists tightening for a moment before he released them. Yet despite the moment of anger that he sensed, Sasuke shook his head and peered off into the distance.

“That day in the jail cell, I told you that I couldn’t be the man that Sakura wanted me to be,” he admitted quietly, almost regrettably. “And you said that if that mattered to her, she would have left me a long time ago.”

Kakashi looked up once more, and Sasuke slowly turned his head to make eye contact. “She finally left. But we all have a role in the way our story plays out. My marriage wasn’t a matter of fate or intervention, it was a series of choices. Sakura helped me understand that. I chose to leave. Sakura chose to wait. I left an opening…”

But even as Sasuke—in this incredibly rare moment of insight—seemed to be justifying what had happened, Kakashi couldn’t find it within himself to just accept it. Sure, Sasuke might’ve left an opening, but Kakashi didn’t have to fill it.

“But I—” he began, only to be interrupted once more.

“You chose to try and make her happy.”

And then the two men fell into silence once more.

Kakashi looked at the ground, troubled by the conversation. After all of his guilt and turmoil, Sasuke of all people was the person offering him a way out of it. 

When did he suddenly… grow so mature? What had happened between him and Sakura after he’d taken her away from Takumi?

“Sasuke… it doesn’t justify what I did. I betrayed you,” Kakashi continued, shaking his head gently. “You have every reason to be furious with me.”

“I’m angry but… I couldn’t be the man Sakura wanted me to be. Maybe you can be.”

Kakashi’s head jerked back in surprise, certainly from the notion that seemed like  _ approval _ . But Kakashi found himself continuing to shake his head anyway, rejecting it as if that were instinctively the right thing to do.

Surely, he couldn’t jump at the chance to openly date Sakura after what had just transpired.

“Actually, Sakura and I have decided to… grow as separate people first.” Although this was the truth, Kakashi was inwardly smacking himself for saying  _ first _ . He probably could have done without the implication that they’d definitely end up together again.

But instead, Sasuke gave a little scoff in reply. “Is that really true?”

Kakashi nodded, and although it was originally Kakashi that had proposed this notion, he’d speak for Sakura for the sake of this conversation. It wasn’t  _ really _ a lie, after all. “She needed to establish herself as her own shinobi again. When you showed up at the apartment, we’d actually just came to that conclusion.”

Sasuke paused for a moment. Kakashi wondered if Sasuke had been thinking about his arrival to Takumi and how both Kakashi and Sakura had tried to stop him to explain what they’d decided. He offered something like a smirk of amusement before beginning to turn away from Kakashi, “Hn. That’s a very Sakura thing to do.”

For a second, Kakashi wondered  _ which _ version of Sakura Sasuke had been referring to, especially since it had taken so much for present-day Sakura to come to that conclusion. Perhaps Sasuke might’ve been referring to Sakura’s teenage-self, the one who took it upon herself to seek Tsunade’s tutelage, but  _ that _ version of Sakura had been dormant for years—that is, until now. He wondered if Sasuke could sense the return of that vigorous Sakura, or if he’d never noticed that she’d changed to begin with. Regardless, he’d decided to let it go because  _ that _ version of Sakura had been reawakened.

“Yes, it is,” Kakashi replied despite his thoughts. “She’s done it once before, and she’ll do it again.”

And then Sasuke walked off. He didn’t say goodbye, and he didn’t offer any sort of parting gesture. He simply walked away.

That was okay with Kakashi because despite everything that had happened between them, things felt  _ okay. _ As he watched Sasuke retreat into the shadows of the trees, Kakashi’s hand made its way into his pocket and fumbled once more with the velvet box meant for Sakura.

* * *

 

Sakura found herself almost skipping on her way home. The conversation with Naruto and Shikamaru had begun with confusion on their part, but Sakura’s happiness and determination was likely just so disarming that Naruto couldn’t bring himself to reject her proposition.

She’d left the office was a formal request form for a genin team, and a general timeline of when she’d adopt one. It was approaching Spring, and so graduation of the next cohort of new academy shinobi wouldn’t be for a few months. As such, Sakura agreed to resume her duties at the hospital until the matriculation date arrived.

The sun was just beginning to disappear as she approached her home. She was thinking of the ways to tell Sarada the news, thinking of what relaxing ways to spend her time now that most of her tasks were done for the day.

As the house came into view, she saw the frame of a very familiar man standing in front of her mailbox just before he turned away. Instantly, Sakura felt her insides turn into mush, and she felt a sweet giddiness radiating from her abdomen. All of the events that took place in the last week gave her little time to really think about Kakashi. Most of her headspace was consumed with dealing with Sarada and the divorce, which probably amplified the feeling she was experiencing now.

It was the first time she’d seen Kakashi since they’d returned to Konoha, and although her body reacted in utter excitement, everything within her was telling her to calm down and play it cool. She wanted to throw her arms around him and give him the news, but she knew better. It wasn’t the right time. There were still things in her life that needed time to settle.

Sakura’s skip halted to a slow walk as she approached him, and when Kakashi turned to walk away from the house, his eyes widened in surprise when he realized she was behind him.

“Sakura…” he breathed, and Sakura swore there was a dusting of pink on his cheeks beneath his mask. The thought made her insides flutter, but she restrained her smiles or any instinctive reaction that her body wanted from her.

“Kakashi,” she asked quietly. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh…” he chuckled quietly, raising an arm to place a hand at the back of his neck as he avoided eye contact. “I actually just wanted to drop some things off.”

Without responding, Sakura side-stepped and reached into her mailbox. At the base of the mailbox was a duffle bag, likely holding her clothes in it. She pulled out a small canvas bag stuffed inside the mailbox to see familiar items inside, and a small crinkled envelope right on top.

As she pulled it out, she made eye contact with Kakashi who was watching her nervously. Sakura looped the bag around her wrist and removed the letter from the folded envelope, reading the message that was messily scribbled on a characteristically ripped piece of paper.

_ “Sakura, _

_ Here are your things from Takumi: the bear, Sarada’s keychain, your letters, the painting, and your clothes too. I kept everything else. My apartment is pretty sparse so I figured I could use them. I kept the picture of us though. That thing is top secret. I hope that’s okay with you. _

_ Kakashi _

_ P.S. When Pakkun went searching for you that day, he found the broken necklace. I had it fixed and it belongs to you… so here it is.” _

Sakura couldn’t contain her smile as she read through the letter. She briefly looked up at Kakashi who seemed to be worried about her reaction, but quickly dug through the canvas bag to pull out the small velvet jewelry box. Fumbling with the box, she snapped it open to reveal the white and pink opal necklace that was impeccably repaired, as if it had never been ripped off of her neck in the first place. 

She ran her thumb over the necklace before closing the box and putting it back into the bag. This time, she couldn’t help herself. Her chest bubbled with happiness and all the butterflies within her stomach took flight. In response, she threw an arm around Kakashi’s neck and said “Thank you, Kakashi!”

Kakashi’s hand hesitantly placed itself on her back, but she could hear his distant voice growing softer as he whispered, “Of course.” She could tell that even he could not stop himself from reflecting the same happiness.

Yet Sakura quickly realized where she was—out in public, in front of her home where Sarada or villagers could see her at any time—and so she separated from him, clearing her throat as she bounced gleefully on her heels. 

As she stepped away, Kakashi seemed to understand her sudden distance. He smiled softly; she could tell even with his mask on. 

“You seem happy,” he said quietly, tilting his head as he stuffed both hands back in his pocket.

“I am,” she grinned, thinking of all the things that had taken place that day. This was the cherry on top. “I’m learning to love myself—like you suggested. You told me that we had to discover ourselves before coming back to each other, and I realized that you were right.”

Sakura mimicked Kakashi’s head movements, tilting her own in the opposite direction as she smiled. Feeling emboldened, she admitted, “I don’t want my identity to be centered around another man. I need my identity to just… be my own.”

Kakashi chuckled lightly in front of her. He seemed as though he was proud of her revelations. “You know, strength has always been your forte: both emotionally and physically.”

She hummed for a second, rocking on her feet before replying, “I don’t know about that, but that’s what I’m hoping to find.”

Kakashi shook his head, and Sakura found herself loving the openness of their conversation. It felt like home. “I’ve seen it all this time, throughout all the hardship and adversity. Not everyone can make it out of the other side like you have.”

And although Sakura knew better, and although she’d just created distance due to being out in the public, she found her hand reaching out to grasp his. 

“Thank you, Kakashi…” she cooed affectionately. “For all of your support.”

“That’s what I’ve always been here for,” he responded, swiping his thumb over her hand, holding it for a moment longer before separating. He took a step back then, offering her one more genuine smile before turning to walk away. 

Yet as she watched his back, she knew there was one more thing she needed to do. Digging into the contents of the canvas bag, she pulled out Sayuri’s painting, looking for the scribbling inscription that read:  _ “To Haruna-san’s Husband… this expression of love is only for you.” _

And then she set into a short run. “Wait,” she called out before grabbing onto his hand once more.

When he turned around, Sakura gently pressed the painting onto his chest.

“This…” she began softly, hesitantly, allowing all of the love she felt in her chest to come through her tone. “This was made only for  _ you _ . It’s yours.”

Kakashi’s eyes widened at first, then softened affectionately as he raised a hand to place it over hers on the canvas.

And in that moment, she felt all kinds of electricity between them. There were so many things that were unsaid, so many things that she knew both of them were so desperately wishing they could do in this moment. 

Yet despite the silence, neither of them needed for anything to be spoken. That was something she’d always appreciated about him—that they  _ knew _ what they were thinking without it being said, that she could communicate with him without words.

_ I love you _ , she was saying to him, and she knew he was saying it back.

Haruno Sakura was known for falling in love hard, so hard that she could dismiss any visible or deeply rooted flaw in the man of her choice, so hard that she could craft an imaginary image of that man.

But Hatake Kakashi wasn’t a dream or an illusion. He wasn’t a fabrication of all the things she  _ wished _ he could be. He was perfect, but perfectly flawed, just like her, and that’s what she loved about him. 

And just like he had, she swiped her thumb over his hand before pulling away. She was trying to communicate with the gentlest of smiles and the tilt of her head,  _ “Wait for me.” _

She knew that the look he’d given to her was saying something along the lines of,  _ “Do you even have to ask?” _

Finally, Sakura’s hand fell to her side, and Kakashi turned to walk away without saying a word more. She watched him go with a smile on her face and a renewed sense of hope in her purpose.

Yet just before he was out of earshot, Kakashi raised his hand in the air and flicked two fingers in her direction. “See you later,” he began, pausing for a moment before leaving her with his final two words. “... Haruno Sakura.” 

Sakura couldn’t help but giggle, even if something about his words brought a slight tear to her eyes. It wasn’t an angry or sad tear; it was more like liberation. She knew that he was recognizing her  _ freedom _ , that she had her own identity and was no longer chained to the Uchiha name in the same way that she had been for the last 13 years. 

Sakura had found herself and she had to be absolutely certain that she didn’t lose herself again, that she wouldn’t attach her identity to another man. She looked down at the bag around her wrist for a moment and then dug inside of it to pull out the velvet box. Opening it once more, she smiled, committing herself to wearing the necklace every day as a reminder of her journey, of her discovery, of everything she wanted to do from this point on.

She looked up once more to catch Kakashi turning the corner. Just before he disappeared out of sight, he turned back to look at her. He nodded in her direction once more and dug out  _ Icha Icha _ from his pocket, leaving her with the image of Hatake Kakashi that everyone knew so well.

She giggled once more, holding the bag to her chest and watching him disappear.

_ See you later, Kakashi _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke’s memory is from Naruto Episode 109: “Invitation From The Sound Ninja.” It’s the one where he abandons Konoha for the very first time.
> 
> This is what I consider to be my true ending. I never wanted the ending ending to be Sakura running back into the arms of Kakashi, because then I feel like she’d just be shifting herself from one guy to the other. If I did that, I feel like that would’ve been contradictory to the point of this whole story in the first place—for Sakura to find herself. I do end it with hope that they will rekindle because it is a kakasaku story, and I will have an epilogue because I know I’ve gotta give everyone what they want. I want it too. So there will be an epilogue about the future LATER. In the meantime, however, this is again what I consider to be the real ending.
> 
> We're almost there. See you all at the epilogue. Thanks so much for supporting me and following this story for so long! <3
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


End file.
